The Peculiar Poetry Book
of
Funny Christmas Verse
by Paul Curtis, Patrick Winstanley and Max Scratchmann
A Christmas poetry collection which mixes funny poems, parodies and nonsense verse to create a rich, but easily digestible confection.
Smashwords Edition
Copyright Peculiar Poetry 2011
THE PRELUDE
To get your juices flowing for the feast that follows, a medley of funny poems about the build up to Christmas – shopping, decorating, preparing the turkey et al. Don’t forget, amid the frenzied preparations, that the sprouts need to go on by December 17th if they are to be served, as is traditional, al denture.
Christmas Came Early
Well I think it has happened.
It is my darkest fear
Christmas is getting earlier
Each and every year.
When I was at the mall today
I heard Bing Crosby croon
‘White Christmas’
And still it’s only June
Christmas In The Shopping Mall
‘Twas Christmas in the shopping mall, the lights were burning bright,
As throngs of grim-faced shoppers, went trudging through the night,
With bags of Christmas chocolate bars and trees of cerise pink,
And Christmas bags of wrapping foil, and the bloody kitchen sink.
There were biscuit tins for grandma, and a pipe for Aunty Doris,
A bubble bath for Little Flo and a bra for Cousin Morris,
There was a mega bag of Chrimbo cards and pile of Christmas stamps,
A Play Station drum and guitar, and a stack of fender amps.
And underneath the mistletoe, some groping was going on,
‘Twas Dad and Mrs Amersham, who lives beyond the Don,
And all the shoppers roll their eyes and look towards God’s heaven,
Then rush off to the next gift shop, the market shuts at seven.
Christmas Time In Primark
It was Christmas time in Primark, and gifts were in the store,
And Xmas wrap and festive socks and mistletoe by the door.
The staff were all in Santa hats, the bouncers wearing holly,
And tacky sequin party frocks lined up the racks quite jolly.
So I asked a shop assistant if I could buy a jumper,
But he said that they had been replaced by stickers for a bumper.
“Well, how about some winter boots?” “So sorry, only slippers,
Or a party box of Simpsons socks or festive frogman flippers.”
“But, I need to buy an overcoat, so I can watch the swifts.”
“Sorry, mate, there’s none in stock, we’re loaded down with gifts.”
So I left that merry Christmas shop, my brow set in a frown,
But I went again at dead of night, and burned the bugger down.
Christmas Shopping
Christmas is coming, the till is very full,
Christmas socks and Santa hats for girlies on the pull.
Tinsel strands and baubles bright and Hong Kong angel toys,
Simpson’s stuff and Kylie cards for girls to send to boys.
Christmas is coming, let’s go and buy mince pies,
And Christmas cake and Stollen bars and flashing Santa ties,
Turkey pizza, Christmas pud and Twiglets cheese and onion,
And Elastoplasts for Uncle Fred to put upon his bunion.
Christmas is coming, let’s deck the halls with booze,
Carlsberg cans and vodka shots and pills to make you snooze,
Potato chips and sweet prawn rings and Yuletide chocolate logs,
Some Chinese pizza nibbles and Santa suits for dogs.
Christmas Post
Mildred went to the post office
To buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
“What denomination do you want?”
She was asked by Mr Everard.
“That’s political correctness gone mad,
Has it come to this?” said she
“You’d better give me a book of Catholic
And a book of C of E.”
Christmas May Be Cancelled
Christmas may be cancelled
The reindeer are on strike