Marriage Counseling by the Book
Published by Paul Darnell at Smashwords
Copyright 2011 Paul Darnell
Discover other titles by Paul Darnell at Smashwords.com:
How To Save Money Now – http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/26893
Cure For Anger - http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/81286
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Table Of Contents
2 - Resentment
3 - Irreconcilable Differences
4 - Understanding The Most Feared Word
8 - Making Peace With The Children
9 - Building Morals Into Children
10 - Decision Making
Introduction (Top)
The following is a fictional story about a married couple with two unruly children at the end of their marriage. They've tried everything else they can think of and as a last resort come to a Chaplain for Biblical counseling.
A Chaplain is an accredited individual usually of retirement age (at Christian Resort Ministries) that instead of spending his or her golden years on the golf course have dedicated themselves to teach God's Word, serve in a free medical clinic, visit and counsel the sick and dying in hospitals or serve in an orphanage setting. While a very few Chaplains are paid a small stipend, most are volunteers called to serve God in various ways as non-denominational servants.
We teach Protestants, Catholics, Jews, Muslims and atheists The Way of Christ through the Word of the Bible. Our 'doors' are open to everyone regardless of their background. As counselors we teach the wisdom handed down word for word from thousands of years ago as written in the Bible. Many Chaplains at CRM will provide Biblical counseling to the troubled as time permits.
Chapter One (Top)
The Most Feared Word
There is only one word most of us fear and avoid at all costs, perhaps because it is the most powerful as well. This word sets our heads spinning and hearts pounding because of its power. Using this word in conversation causes an immediate cessation of speaking and usually produces a pregnant pause. It's not a swear word, but has become unacceptable to use in polite conversation.
It's also the most misunderstood word in our language. Many think of this word as a type of judgment, but in reality it is the roadmap to happiness in our lives. Isn't most everyone's goal happiness and yet most are almost miserable because we don't use this word.
What possible word can make the most powerful men in the world cause their knees to knock together?
An interesting story comes to mind from the book of Daniel (chapter 5) regarding the power of this word. King Belshazzar held a great feast with thousands of Lords attending. He had been 'tasting' the wine and became inebriated. He ordered the golden vessels his father King Nebuchadnezzer had taken from the Jewish temple. As they drank from the cups they praised gods of gold, silver, brass, iron, wood and stone. Within the hour a man's finger appeared and wrote a message on the wall. Then the King's countenance changed, and his thoughts troubled him, so that the joints of his loins were loosed and his knees smote one against the other. (Hopefully the king was wearing brown pants).
If I tell you what the word is right now most readers would stop reading in fear because they have no understanding, so instead I will call it something else for now. Let's call it E I J. I will define this acronym shortly.
Since the meaning of this word is so misunderstood I will begin to explain it's proper use by producing fictional circumstances that pertain to most of our lives.
Chapter Two (Top)
Resentment
A man and woman go to a house warming party and during the conversation someone who has had too much to drink makes a derogatory remark laughingly about your wife perhaps because she worked all day and didn't have time to really dress up. End of story, right?
In actual fact it's not the end of the story, but rather the beginning. Although the incident is over you will not easily forget the slight. If the person again makes catty remarks about your wife’s dress or figure and snidely congratulates you on how lucky you are to have her, you will either leave their presence, correct them or force a confrontation. It doesn't matter at this point how you react. What does matter is you resent the person for their insensitive remarks.
Resentment can be labeled as a root of bitterness or grudge. I prefer root of bitterness as a more graphic representation because anger will flow from it every time you think of that man or woman. Anger is the opposite of happiness. You can't be angry and happy at the same time. The two states of mind are antipodal. Therefore unresolved resentment is preventing happiness. Allowing resentment in our lives is an E I J (Error In Judgment).
Before I divulge the actual word, please score your own personal life as they relate to the following questions.
Is there resentment or do you carry grudges in your life?
Do you become angry?
Is there hate in your life?
Do your children drive you to distraction?
Does your spouse not live up to the expectations you had when you married?
Do you drink often or to excess sometimes?
Is there someone you want to get 'even with'?
Do you use profanity in communicating with others?
Do you think about cheating on your spouse?
Do you envy what others have?
Do you resort to lying when the truth is inconvenient?
Are you demanding in expecting others to do as you want?
The final question is the easiest. Would your life be less conflicted or stressed if you could have answered no to all of the previous questions?
Would you agree you would be happier if you could agree with the following statements?
I carry no resentment of others. I am at peace.
When I become angry I deal with it as the Gospel of Luke describes. Anger is immediately abolished.
Since I have no anger, there is no hatred of anyone in my life.
My children and I get along very well and we love and respect each other.
My spouse is the best in the world. My spouse is my best friend.
I either drink socially or not at all. I shun drugs.
I carry no grudges for anyone.
I set a good example for my children and do not use profanity.
I don't look at others sexually. I already have the best spouse.
I have enough of everything. Things of a material nature are secondary in my life.
Instead of lying I either find something good to say, tell the truth or say nothing at all.
I am respected by others and when I ask them to do something they do it gladly. They are anxious to serve me.
Most everyone is going to answer yes to most of the first questions and not agree with the second set of statements. When we compare the questions and statements it becomes obvious the more statements we can agree with while answering no to the questions, the happier and less miserable we will be. We will also find the ones that answered yes to the questions do not use the most powerful word in the English language while those that agree with the statements do use the word.
Chapter Three (Top)
Irreconcilable Differences
I find the best ways to learn something is either to teach it to someone else, or actually do the job you're trying to learn. Since neither is practical at this particular moment we will use a hypothetical scenario where you are a Chaplain trying to help others with problems. Your name is Chaplain.
Your first patient is a husband and wife couple.
"Chaplain we want a divorce. "
"I don't do divorces. You need a lawyer for that."
"Chaplain, No. You don't understand. We are at the end of our marriage and came here as a last resort to try and save it. We've come to hate each other."
"I see, then you are in fact in the right place. Your chart says your Christians and have been married for 8 years and since have had a 7 year old boy and a six year old girl that are badly behaved. When you first got married did you say to one another I'm going to do my very best to make the other person’s life miserable?"
"Chaplain No. When we first got married we were very much in love and couldn't say or do enough good things toward each other."
(You hand each of them a piece of paper with the questions and statements noted above). "Please take a few minutes and put a check mark beside all that apply to you personally."
"Chaplain, as you can see we have finished and both of us answered yes to almost all the questions and have almost nothing in the statements we could agree with."
"Would your marriage and life in general be much better if you were able to answer no to all of the questions and be able to agree with the statements?"
Both agreed they would be better off by far.
How would you the reader as their counselor get them to be able to agree with the statements and answer no to the questions? I'll tell you what I would counsel them with in a moment, but first must divulge the most feared word in the English language.
One of the best kept secrets in the world is these social problems were solved thousands of years ago. The label under which all of these problems go is called........ hold on to something..... SIN. As soon as that word is mentioned it acts like a mirror and when we look into it we see our failings. If you haven't run away yet let me assure you there is a cure for sin. All of the questions are the result of what is called either Errors In Judgment (EIJ), or sin. All of the statements are a result of how the Bible tells us to live our lives. Those who don't really believe in God, or trust the Bible might want to consider just taking the advice it gives on how to live happily. Since I'll be copying the relevent verses you won't even have to read the Bible.
When we think of sin we think of the Bible, God, retribution, punishment and worst of all having to change our lives. When we dispose of sin in our lives we not only move closer to what God wants for us, but we do so because we want to and definitely not because we have to. The reason for that is we begin to experience peace in our lives and we get to like it very much. In the meantime we fear losing control and do whatever we must to avoid that. Because we fear the unknown we choose to navigate our ships of life onto the rocks instead of having calm seas. We are indeed a stiff necked people.
Chapter Four (Top)
Understanding The Most Feared Word
The most difficult thing to understand is sin hurts us, is detrimental to our social lives and will destroy everything we care for. Anger is named as a sin. Can anger bring happiness to a marriage? Drunkenness is called a sin. Can a drunk bring happiness or are they more likely to bring violence to a marriage? Adultery is named as a sin. Can someone who cheats on a spouse bring happiness or destruction to a marriage?
Can anyone be in a state of happiness (good, warm, fuzzy feeling) if they are focused on anger, hatred or envy to name just a few? Unless our goal in life is to be unhappy and miserable, doesn't it make sense to get rid of things that prevent happiness, and instead adopt things that provide peace and contentment?
When we think of sin our thoughts trouble us just as they did for King Belshazzar when his sins were written on the wall. Since it is easier to run away and hide from the troubling thoughts most of us make up things to avoid it. The list of things we make up is almost endless. They range from simply blocking anything to do with the Bible to denying God's existence and attributing everything to random chance even though believing in something like Darwin's Theory of Evolution requires billions of time more faith than believing in "All scripture is given by inspiration from God".
The reasons we block God out are almost as varied as the excuses we use to deny Him. Those reasons are based on fear of having to change ourselves to fear of losing control. If we admit there really is a God we become accountable to a higher Being for our actions and God gives no quarter, not an inch, not one iota when it comes to unrepented sin, but the good news is there is a cure for sin and God is quick to forgive. The most excellent news is if we get rid of the things God lists as sin and when we repent them we also get rid of the things in our lives most certain to cause unhappiness.
Many have heard the expression we are born in sin. In actual fact it may be said as we are born S.I.N. positive. Every one of us starts off with sin on our souls and just for that reason alone we can not be excepted by a Being that can not abide sin. Fortunately He wrote His love letter to us which provides both a remedy and a cure for sin.
God calls all of the things that make us unhappy sin. He doesn't want unhappiness for us. He even made a list of sins that make us unhappy.
Read the list of things God does not want for us very carefully. Is there even one that has a hope of making you happy or do they all lead to unhappiness? Sin is something that God does not want for us.
Gal 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
Gal 5:20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
Gal 5:21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.
Col 3:8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.
Col 3:9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds;
Doing things that are guaranteed to make us unhappy is ludicrous. It is an Error In Judgment (EIJ) to do things that hurt us. God calls these things sin because they drive us away from Him. If the word sin is too much to bear, call these things EIJs, because to allow these things in our lives can only hurt us.
Although we are right to fear God, we fear for the wrong reasons. He has written a love letter to us created over thousands of years that tells us how to live our lives in happiness, full of peace and joy. The Bible describes in detail how to be happy.
Chapter Five (Top)
Washing Of The Feet
I'm going to help the couple in the scenario described above by using Biblical counseling in a way that is real time, but still fictitious for the most part.
To the husband I would ask, "If your wife served you unquestioningly in everything you asked of her just like a slave would, how would that make you feel toward her"?
"Chaplain, that would be great. I'd sure appreciate her a lot more than I do right now."
To the wife I would ask, "If your husband served you unquestioningly in all you asked him to do just like a slave how would that make you feel toward him"?
She replied, “That would certainly be different than it is right now.”
"So if both of you were a slave to one another mutually neither of you would really be a slave would you? Both of you would be a master choosing to act like a slave."
Gal 5:13 For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.
Luk 22:25 And he said unto them, The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and they that exercise authority upon them are called benefactors.
Luk 22:26 But ye shall not be so: but he that is greatest among you, let him be as the younger; and he that is chief, as he that doth serve.
"Jesus demonstrated this very graphically in Joh 13:5 where Jesus as the unquestioned master acted like a slave to His disciples when He washed their feet. By abasing Himself He rose in their esteem for there is no man that stands taller than he who stoops to help another."
"As we move through this counseling session I want both of you to consider, those who demand respect get only fear, while those who earn respect have it given to them freely and abundantly."
"What I would like both of you to do at this point is to take a tissue and symbolically wash one another's feet beginning with the husband. While you are washing each other’s feet I'd like you to whisper to God to intervene in your marriage and lead you to happiness. Ask God to bless the other person and forgive you for the hurt you have caused the other person."
The wife takes the tissue I offer, but the man simply glares at me. I'm asking him to humble himself not only in front of his wife, but me as well. There is a tense moment. I say to him, "Your wife is willing to humble herself before you. Does she want the marriage to work more than you do? If you are the leader in this family you must begin to realize a leader with no followers is just out for a walk."
Although his resolve began to crumble he still hesitated. I said, "If you want to be the leader you must go first as leaders do."
He took the tissue and towering over his wife asked her permission to wash her feet. With an unsure smile on her face she agreed. The smile remained for a bit as he slowly lowered himself to one knee and then it hit her he was humbling himself before her. He was about to serve her in the most humbling fashion she could imagine. The smile disappeared and her eyes glistened as the import of what was happening sunk in.
When he reached one knee he began to whisper as he rubbed her shoes. Small snippets of his words reached our ears as he prayed and as he prayed tears began to drip from his eyes. The words became incoherent as he quietly sobbed and cleaned the shoes with his tears. When he finished he rose to waiting arms that held him tightly. They were both in tears when she asked his permission to wash his feet. When she arose to his waiting embrace they kissed each other haltingly at first and then with a little more passion.
I interrupted with a noisy "Ahem." They both sat back down, but this time were holding hands.
I said, “Someone with a servants frame of mind will put those whom they serve in high esteem acting as though their wishes are secondary to those of whom they serve. A servant thinks of how their actions will effect the other person before they consider how it will effect them. A marriage that works is one where two come together as one. They are of one mind with the goal of happiness.
"Chaplain I think we have it from here. We feel a lot differently now than when we came in, the husband said."
"Actually I want you to come back in one week. You've learned that through serving each other you are learning how to get along. There are many other issues in your lives that need to be dealt with including anger, frustration, envy and resentment to name just a few. You have learned how to live together by sharing the work. Next time I want to show you how to structure your family life and learn how to love one another properly.”
Chapter Six (Top)
An Immediate Improvement
A week passes and the couple returned.
"So how did it go with you two last week?"
The wife responded first by saying, "I knew things were going to be different as soon as we left. I had the car door opened for me and was treated like a princess on the way home. As soon as we got home I ran ahead to the front door of the house, unlocked it and held it open to allow my husband to enter first. He took out the garbage before I asked and even began setting the table. The important thing is we didn't fight with each other at all last week."