“Prepare for the Harvest”
Daily Meditations for Those with a Dual-Disorder of Addictions/Alcoholism and Borderline Personality Disorder
“Prepare for the Harvest”
by Amy L. Allison
Published by Amy L. Allison at Smashwords
Copyright 2011 Amy L. Allison
Smashwords Edition, License Notes:
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
ISBN for EPUB format~ 978-1-4660-4257-5
Printed in the United States of America.
Cover of book designed by Amy L. Allison
Introduction A dual-diagnosis of a mental illness and addiction requires dual recoveries. This book addresses the opening of one’s mind to accept the seeds of knowledge, courage in the winds of change, and the wisdom of the tears that grow our recoveries. We will reap a harvest we never imagined possible.~ the Author
Dedication~ I dedicate this book to (DBT-specialist) therapist, Barbara K. Wightman, PhD. She was my therapist for six years and retired in 2010. Her training, in part, was with the originator of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Dr. Marsha Linehan, Director of Behavioral research at the University of Washington in Seattle. Her calm and methodical manner of teaching, coupled with her continual application of the *DBT Skills, taught me that regulated emotions made for a more peaceful life. I could control myself. Her unrelenting dedication to my recovery from BPD saved my life, literally, more than once. I believe that during this time, this guardian angel “with skin on”, stayed on board with me during the raging storms, as well as when I was adrift. She also taught me to be mindful of the joy to be found in still waters. Her willingness to help me and her never-ending wisdom will never be forgotten.
From the Author~ This book was written in a particular sequence was for a progressive unfolding of recovery from addictions along with the mental disorder of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). “Addictions,” says Joseph Frascella, director of the division of clinical neuroscience at the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), “are repetitive behaviors in the face of negative consequences, the desire to continue something you know is bad for you.” For a discussion of BPD traits, please refer to the reading on January 27th for clarification. You may start your reading on page iii of the introductory pages (numbered with Roman numerals). The introductory pages will provide you with some background information on addictions and BPD, enabling a better understanding as progression is made through the year. The daily meditations begin on Page 1 of this book. You may then start the daily readings on today’s date.
Acknowledgments~ I wish to thank all of those who encouraged me as I wrote this meditation book on dual-disorders. My sponsor, Jan L.; therapists Linda Caldwell and Gina Minks, who cheered me as I finished it; my mother, Christine Doumas Conlin, who is a writer of poetry, as was her mother, the deceased Helen C. Doumas. Special thanks goes to my writing mentor, Marion Redstone, J.D., who provided the light on the path of my writing and publishing journey with his wisdom and experience. He assisted with the proofing and editing of this book. Also, much appreciation goes to Doug Bunch, who spent countless hours proofing the original draft of “Prepare for the Harvest”. Doug’s unrelenting dedication to this book and his constant support helped make this book possible. Without the challenge made by retired therapist, Barbara K. Wightman, for me to actually write this book, it may not have ever been attempted or accomplished. It is my first book written and published. Other writings of mine may be found on my personal website, “Rebel Odyssey”, copyright 2003: by Amy L. Allison Four Components of DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy)- as outlined by Dr. Marsha M. Linehan. 1. Core Mindfulness: Cultivate Wise Mind. 2. Interpersonal Effectiveness: DEAR MAN, G.I.V.E. F.A.S.T. 3. Distress Tolerance: Wise Mind A.C.C.E.P.T.S., I.M.P.R.O.V.E. the Moment, Build Mastery, Radical Acceptance, Quieting the Mind. 4. Emotion Regulation: Opposite to Emotion Action, “P.L.E.A.S.E.”, Build Mastery, Build Positive Experiences. Any text with an asterisk (*DBT) will refer to Dr. Marsha Linehan's book in the Bibliography.
Twelve Steps of Recovery~ 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong and promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Serenity Prayer~ (Long Version) God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen. by Reinhold Neibuhr
Forward~ Maybe we reached for this book on a bookstore shelf, because its title caught our attention, and we saw “for those with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).” Or we heard this term casually mentioned by a therapist. Well, you are not alone. You see, I am BPD too, and have been in treatment since May 2004. I am also a recovering alcoholic; I got sober August 21, 1989. My alcoholism masked my Borderline; at fifteen (15) years sober from active alcoholism, I was a raging mad-woman. A psychiatrist told me I could die without treatment for this disorder. A psychologist, specializing in the Dialectical Behavior Therapy treatment, coached me on how to live my life more skillfully. Found within this book are little gems of wisdom and recommended practices from professionals, who are dedicated to our survival and healing. Also, the echoing words and caring spirits of those who have recovered before me can be heard and experienced in this book. I started a website of this mental health disorder in May 2009. Go to “Webquest”, appearing after December 31st for more information.
Introduction~ This book of daily readings is based on the Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills, and loosely on the other cognitive therapies: such as Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy, Schema Therapy, and combinations of these methods with other cognitive therapies. These combinations of methods in treatment hopefully re-program the Borderline's brain to operate at a more centered baseline starting point than from a constant state of erratically aroused emotions. Many of the daily readings are based on these mental health practices and methodologies. Interwoven into the lessons of “Prepare for the Harvest”, are the spiritual aspects of the basis of any of the Twelve-Step programs that are available for alcoholics, drug addicts, food addicts, gamblers, sex addicts, shoppers, and just about anything on which one can “get hooked”. After fifteen years of 12-Step meetings, sponsors, individual therapy, group therapy, workshops, and retreats. I was forced to look at recovery in a different context and from a different viewpoint. I was diagnosed as a classic “textbook” Borderline, and I was starting at Step One again. I thought I was powerless over my Borderline Personality Disorder. However, I was quickly taught that I was not powerless, and that I had more control than I thought. I was told that I needed to re-train my “Emotional Mind's” zany ways, temper it with my stable “Rational Mind” to achieve what is known in the DBT Skills as having a “Wise Mind.” I am fortunate to have a set of recognizable symptoms with successful treatment methods. Most recovering people engage in non-productive thinking for which there is no prescribed remedy. A tried-and-true system of skills and behaviors, though, had been developed, and if practiced, could definitely change how I reacted to others' behaviors, situations, and my own actions. What!? Re-program my brain's mental processes after fifty years of habits? Yikes! “What an order, I can't go through with it!” (from the text of Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 5). I was told I could die from this. No therapist would take me on as a client until I went into treatment for BPD after I had been diagnosed by a psychiatrist. Prior to this, others had just not accurately pinpointed the problem. When I was about two years sober (1991), one therapist brought it up, had me read the book “I Hate You, Don't Leave Me”, but did not really force me to seek treatment for BPD because an effective treatment had not been developed yet. Fortunately, Dr. Marsha Linehan's concept of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy was introduced in 1993. By the time I was diagnosed in 2004, BPD had gotten eleven years or so of deliberation and discussion. The fun and games of my Borderline charades came to a screeching halt for me. People were worn out from all my trauma-drama.
“Prepare for the Harvest” is from Me, to You, for Us both to stay in touch with time-proven skills for a calmer life, and practical behaviors of how we can quiet our minds. Maybe just having another option of a more inviting path to travel as you walk through your life one day at a time is the motivation for looking closer at this book. Possibly, you have come to realize that your life is being run by an addiction. It has become the main problem, and needs to be addressed. After a while, another layer of the onion is shed, and a mental disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) surfaces in a discussion with a healthcare professional. This disorder is cunning, baffling, powerful, and impatient to destroy you, your life and everyone in your life. You may not think you need a daily prompting for a more emotionally-regulated life. This disorder is stealthy and lethal. Alcoholism or another addiction will be the lesser of the two problems, should the diagnosis of BPD be handed to you. I have lived it for over half a century, and am lucky to have survived. A glossary of terms is provided at the back of this book to clarify some concepts concerning BPD. We all can use some help now and then. Emotions and stressors are part of the Human Condition, and they may both be managed to enhance our lives, and to not hinder our journeys. I am only about seven years ahead of you on this journey of healing from this dual diagnosis at the publication of this book, should you just be starting yours. Each dawning day can throw me back into the bewilderment of the first few Skills classes of DBT treatment. I will be right here with you in spirit as you read. Let our travels begin.
The Facts~ Borderline Personality Disorder affects 2 out of 50 people, or roughly 4% of the population, which is 10.8 million people in the United States. 70% of those with BPD also abuse alcohol, drugs, food, sex, gambling, or some other addictive activity. Borderlines diagnosed are 3% female, and 1% of male, but more males are being diagnosed, and the proportions are changing. There are approximately 14 million alcoholics in this country, and 3 million of them are recovering in Alcoholics Anonymous. Seven (7) million alcoholics have psychiatric disorders; and 1.8 million people are inflicted with the dual diagnosis of alcoholism and Borderline Personality Disorder. This problem is huge. Approximately 7.6 million people in the United States alone suffer from some form of addiction and Borderline Personality Disorder.
Daily Readings By Month - January February March April May June July August September October November December
January 1 | Don’t Judge
It's New Years' Day, and the resolution to keep more order in the household isn't working. House-guests are sleeping all over the floor. The little tykes are wanting their cereal now, and the overly-cheery morning news on the TV is about to make us come unglued. Instinct is to start barking out commands to the sleeping household. Trying to pry a burned-to-a-crisp pizza off the bottom of the oven, a smile breaks out. Take a deep breath and think. Everyone is safe. Everyone had fun. No one was in a car accident. No one drank too much (even with 5 teenagers sleeping somewhere in the clutter). We ask ourselves the questions, ‘how did we get so lucky?’
“No matter how busy or difficult life may seem, there is always a peaceful, serene, powerful and untouched part of us that is in complete control, and quietly witnessing all that we do, without judgment.” ~ Craig Townsend
January 2 | Shame Smothers
Following is a story once heard: “I thought I was all alone in the room. Not a soul was in the business wing of the church. I had been asked to tidy up the office while all were at lunch. I was a trusted volunteer and had served for several years. As I was cleaning I spied the Record of Receipts: Congregants’ Financial Offerings by family in alphabetical order. Curiosity prompted me to leaf through the confidential journal, and I checked on some prominent names, a bit nervously. You could hear a pin drop in the silence, so there was no mistake when I heard the faint squeak of the sneakers. With dread I turned around and met the eyes of the senior pastor, as I quietly closed the book. Self-hatred consumed me as the minister walked up, took the journal, locked it in his desk and left. On my knees, I prayed fervently that I would not cut myself, as I always had done when full of shame. My Higher Power was there for me.”
January 3 | Meditate Daily
The mystical “secrets” of a more serene life had eluded us for years. Our lives were not tranquil. We had heard that life was 10% what happened to us, and 90% how we reacted to it. Maybe life was going to keep on happening in its unpredictable manner, but we had to do something with our “inner calm”-it wasn't just going to happen one day. We may have been exposed to meditation in a *DBT Skills Group, and needed to try it again. It's all about clearing the mind; focusing on our breathing. It's just that simple. Breathing is necessary for living, and is pretty basic. We really can't mess the process up. Breathing and clearing our mind of thoughts will ripen our mental state for a calmness to appear in our consciousness.
“Inner silence promotes clarity of mind; it makes us value the inner world.” ~ Deepak Chopra
January 4 | Relaxing Respite
The speech to the committee did not bring the results we had banked on, after hours of preparation. Our cell phone was vibrating every five minutes, and our drama-queen mother was repeatedly phoning until we picked up, which we didn't. An insistent reminder on our computer was alerting us of our next meeting in an hour. The co-worker in the next office was talking too loudly on his speaker phone, and two people were waiting six feet away to talk to us. Now. We shut down our computer, turned off our cell phone, put our office phone on “Do Not Disturb”; we stood up from our desk, walked to our office door, smiled at our impatient co-workers and closed the door. We turned on our iPod. We looked at the wall clock, and smiled. “Nothing is so urgent here, that won't wait for 900 seconds (15 minutes),” The Stock Market didn't crash, and nobody died because of these actions. However, we prospered.
January 5 | The “NO” Sentence
Feeling good about who we are as a person is vitally important to our recovery. Peoples' expectations of others, over-loaded schedules, inconsiderate ingrates, and our co-dependency can compel us to say “yes” to a request from our friend, instead of “no, my schedule will not permit it.” We over-extend ourselves, and get tired, irritable, and resentful of the favor that we are doing for a friend. Mastering the art of Saying No may be a really good place to start building some self-esteem, and consequently reducing our guilt feelings when we are approached and asked to give of our time. It is our right to simply say, “No,” without an apologetic explanation. This act is a *DBT Skill called Building Mastery.
“The two words yes and no will always lead you to success. Undoubtedly, you've mastered saying yes. So start practicing saying no.” ~ Jack Canfield
January 6 | Don't Drink.
1. Don't drink, drug, gamble, over-eat, spend or partake in any addictive activities
2. Go to meetings
3. Read the Big Book (or recovery texts)
4. Call your sponsor
5. Work the Twelve Steps of recovery.
Making a commitment to do #1, and one or more of suggestions 2-5 everyday, we can almost guarantee that we will not, and will not want to practice our addiction. Staying plugged into our program will be a constant reminder that we DO have other options. Choices that will bring emotional and spiritual growth, instead of bringing us chaos, pain, self-loathing and severe consequences that could alter our lives dramatically. We don't need that.
“What simple action(s) could you take today to produce a new momentum toward success in your life?” ~ Anthony Robbins
January 7 | Do the Opposite
The *DBT Skill of Opposite to Emotion Action is a tricky undertaking. It is necessary in regulating our emotions. Here is a scenario: my sister said she would help me with my algebra homework. However, at the last minute she always had something else to do and could not work with me. I got into trouble with my parents because my math teacher emailed them about my poor grades. I was angry with my sister for not keeping her word to me, and I ended up being grounded until the end of the grading period. I chose to not even speak to her for a week. My school counselor pointed out to me that my grades were my responsibility, not hers. Gritting my teeth, I offered to do her chores for her on the weekend so she could have plenty of time to get ready for the big dance on Saturday night. I guess I just needed to get over myself.
“I cannot control what goes on outside; but I can control what goes on inside.” ~ Wayne Dyer
January 8 | Powerless, Not Helpless
Being helpless is being unable to function independently. Powerless is not possessing controlling influence over something or someone. The two words are very close in meaning. Powerlessness indirectly has a hint of wishing to control, and not being able to. Power has a more direct reference to “ego.” Looking at it from the other side: what do we think is a better description for someone who is more approachable: someone who is “helpful”, or someone who is “powerful”? Someone powerless over alcohol is someone who can no longer exert any control over his drinking of alcohol. Yes, we have heard the term “a helpless drunk”. He cannot function under the influence of alcohol. He is powerless over the effects of what alcohol can do to him; he is not helpless if he does not ingest alcohol, thus not allowing it to have power over him. Are we helpless when we give our power over to our addiction, whatever that might be?
January 9 | Toxic Relationships
A fellow from my childhood neighborhood ended up within my circle of adult friends. We both even worked in different departments for the same company. When we were both 12, he saved me from drowning when I fell through the ice in a small pond. He had a knack for saying inappropriate things, especially around women. In groups involving social projects he often would not contribute nor complete his tasks. He was always borrowing money, and rarely repaid it. Repeatedly, this guy showed a lack integrity, and always had some dismissive comment to say about the next person. He had a way of just sucking the life out of me or anyone. With all the courage I could muster, when in a private setting, I told him that we both had changed, and no longer shared the same values - and that hanging out was not in his and my best interest.
“Relationships based on obligation lack dignity.” ~ Wayne Dyer
January 10 | Validate Others
“Central to my existence is the distrust of other people” (GV). Some relationships are worth keeping, even when the two people are at odds with each other's viewpoint on something important. It is a natural reaction to “imagine the worst”, and paint a person with some ulterior motives in wanting to do something with which we do not agree, which may include our participation. BPD's immediately ‘go there’, and start to make our presumptions into reality of a situation. Then we act or react to that reality. Nothing good ever comes of this. We need to “validate“ (part of the *DBT Skill G.I.V.E.) the other person's feelings, wants and opinions. They deserve this consideration from us. They are our friend. Their goal is to not cheat, hurt or humiliate us. Keeping good relationships is a sign that we are making some good choices.
“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” ~ Anthony Robbins
January 11 | Double Trouble
People with addictions problems are more likely to develop other psychiatric conditions than the general population, and people with psychiatric problems are at a greater risk of becoming addicted to escape the mental pain. (see page xvii) This is not good news for people who are either addicts/alcoholics or have a psychiatric problem. This is not always true that if you have one problem you will have the other. However, if we are a diagnosed Borderline and an addict of some sort, our needs are quite complex because we are not just dealing with mental illness alone, or an addiction alone. The synergistic results of the interaction between the two can wreak havoc on the individual and those around them. The pain brings you to recovery; hope and help are there for you if you request it.
“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.” ~ Wayne Dyer
January 12 | Borderline Relapse
Alcoholics can relapse or “fall off the wagon.” Drug addicts can “pick-up”. A relapse for a Borderline is engaging in any unsafe behavior using alcohol or other drugs, self-harming, or non-compliance with medications. Abstinence from drugs and alcohol is a goal of treatment for all BPD's who are substance abusers, and a prerequisite for those who are deemed as high-functioning. In any case, abuse of drugs or alcohol should be confronted, but not be the cause for termination from treatment. Know that drugs, especially alcohol, will magnify a mood; how effective would treatment for emotion regulation be if we continued to drink or use drugs? What shape are we going to be in to attempt to address our issues?
“If you don't set a baseline standard for what you'll accept in life, you'll find it's easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes that are far below what you deserve.” ~ Anthony Robbins
January 13 | New Freedom
It may be too early in recovery from an addiction for us to have heard of the Promises mentioned in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. There are 12 Promises. The Promises can start to come true in our lives before we are even halfway through the Ninth Step. “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.” This is the first one. It tells us that we will find a release from the years of self-torment as we start making amends to those we had harmed while we were drinking. This Promise will come true in a sense as we learn coping skills for dealing with our disorder. Possibly we are part of a treatment “group” of BPD's, and have shared our stories about our pain, self-loathing and low self-esteem. Learning how others have suffered, and overcame adversity, are valuable lessons. You are free to live your life as you choose; Anything less is a form of slavery.” ~ Wayne Dyer
January 14 | Negative Feelings
A myth is frequently uttered by ignorant folks, that negative feelings are bad and destructive. This is not true. Feelings are your emotional sensitivities. They cannot be judged by others. Two people can have two different emotions involving the very same event. The winner of a national spelling bee can be elated. The one who lost to him may be experiencing disappointment. Same event, different feelings. Negative feelings could possibly be inappropriate reactions to a situation, but they are not bad. How we react to and what we do with those negative emotional beliefs separates Wise Mind from the often out-of-control Emotional Mind. As Borderlines, we continually put in place skills and regulators to steer ourselves away from behaviors that could lead to destroying a relationship. But remember: 1) it's okay to have negative feelings 2) it is not okay to allow these negative feelings to throw us into a Borderline “moment”.
January 15 | One-Mindfully
“Can you multi-task?” a job interviewer asks us. He wants to hear us say 'yes.' The world is about successfully handling a multitude of tasks within a workday. In recovery, we are taught to focus on one thing at a time; to live one-day-at-a-time. We need to give our full attention to what we have in front of us and to concentrate on it fully. Be present in the moment. Be mindful. Zero-in on who is before us and hear what they are saying to us. In a given situation, if we are ruminating over the drama from yesterday and worrying about the upcoming unknowns, our present moment will not even be noticed. Worrying about the outcome of something with which we were not fully present is doubly pointless. What a waste.
“One reason so few of us achieve what we truly want is that we never direct our focus.” ~ Anthony Robbins
January 16 | Spiritual Bankruptcy
Someone spiritually bankrupt is spiritually ruined. Void of the “Life Force” (a hypothetical force thought to cause the evolution of organisms). With this kind of “nothingness”, we do not grow mentally or emotionally, and our spirit feels like it is dying. Even the human body dies in another 50-70 years, after growing the first 20 years of life. We are powerless over alcohol, (or drugs, food, sex, gambling etc). No one believes us, wants to be around us, or wants their children to be around us. We've alienated everyone, hate ourselves, hate our lives, dread every morning when we awaken, and are a slave to what we crave. Our Soul's wallet is empty. We are in an airless void. Our lungs are screaming to live, but our lips do not move. We are powerless over people, places, and things. Like it or not, with grave uncertainty, we arrive at the realization that we are powerless over our addiction. (Step One)
January 17 | Spiritual Death
In the world of addiction, it is generally thought that a prolonged state of spiritual bankruptcy will bring about a spiritual death, where we as addicts give up mentally and emotionally. At this point we could be so overcome with poison and disease (our mental and physical processes shut down), and our physical death could take place. But still, at any point along this decline, we could ask for help. People have been present to assist every step along our descent into the abyss of addiction. Once our bottom has been hit and realizing that fact, we see that we want out of the hell in which we reside. The key has always been asking others for help.
“Those who speak ill of the spiritual life, although they come and go by day, are like the blacksmith's bellows: they take breath but are not alive.” ~ William Hazlitt
January 18 | Hit Bottom
“Rarely have we seen” a person truly use the 12-Step program of recovery unless they have hit their bottom, and find their life absolute chaos. It is very unlikely that we find ourselves intoxicated and dancing drunk at a party on a Saturday night, making out with a co-worker's wife thinking to ourselves, “Gee, I need to stop acting like this! I'm embarrassing myself. This is inappropriate.” Not a chance. But if we fast-forward a year, and we have racked up a DUI and a Disorderly Conduct charge we begin to see a pattern. We groped (while drunk) our 14-year old daughter's best friend at a sleepover at the house, and the parents are pressing charges. Maybe not until we land face down in a jail cell for being arrested as a drunk driver do we sober up; how about the horror of being the cause of another’s death due to our drunk driving? What then?
“We are each responsible for all of our experiences.” ~ Louise Hay
January 19 | What If?
We've heard it all before. Countless times scolded by parents, spouses, employers: “Why can't you just straighten yourself out?” “Why do you DO these things?” “Why can't you be more of a good-guy, instead of a screw-up?” “You're going to lose the best boyfriend you've ever had!” “Your kids won't respect you, or even want to be around you.” Do these sound remotely familiar? For just one minute, try to get our thoughts around this simple concept: what if all these people are speaking the truth? Could all these people be crazy or making up these observations? Why are we all pretty much hearing the same things said repeatedly to us about our behavior? Could there possibly be some truth in what they are saying? What if?
“All personal breakthroughs begin with a change in beliefs.” ~ Anthony Robbins
January 20 | High Bottom
How bad has our addiction beat us down? Not too bad? No DUI's? No job losses? No broken marriages? No major health problems? It could be that we really don't have a problem. Do we experience self-loathing at times? Do we put ourselves in high-risk situations with strangers? Do we embarrass ourselves at family functions by our actions? Are we well-known at every liquor store within a three mile radius of our home? Are we late to work after a “night out” with the friends? It just hasn't gotten that bad, has it? Yet, we realize that we are experiencing a problem with alcohol that could become a bigger problem in the blink of an eye. “The difference between a high-bottom drunk and a drunk is that the former has his head up on the curb and not in the gutter.”
“What we can or cannot do is more likely a function of our beliefs about who we are.” ~ Anthony Robbins
January 21 | Your Life
Avery wise healer once said, “It's YOUR life. I cannot make it all better. You have to commit to your own healing.” This brief statement made a profound difference to us, but not immediately. Somewhere along the way, we slowly realized that we had to take responsibility for our own behaviors, habits, actions, words, beliefs and morals. We could not blame our parents any longer for the things that happened in our childhood. We were responsible for how we reacted to those events in our past. We drank over these traumatic memories. We refueled the memories by acting out and behaving badly. When we were really into the “poor me's”, we would cut ourselves … trying to tell ourselves it didn't hurt, and to show others how much pain we were in.
“No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change whatever it is that is making you unhappy.” ~ Wayne Dyer
January 22 | Your Recovery
Imagine this concept for just a moment. Suppose we made a decision to do something about our addiction and/or newly-diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder? Let's ignore the fact that people have labeled us as “problematic”. We have reached a point of being tired of being sick and tired of our whole life of chaos, pain, abusing our drug of choice, and maybe self-injury. Suppose we just decide that we have had enough? We choose to seek a way out of the darkness where we have existed for a good, long while. We are surprised to find that there is a whole community of people with tried and true solutions for our particular problems! What a relief! Maybe we just got a taste of having some hope.
“If you develop the absolute sense of certainty that powerful beliefs provide, then you can accomplish virtually anything, including those things that other people are certain are impossible.” ~ Anthony Robbins
January 23 | Your Decision
Upon reading yesterday's meditation, we may find ourselves thinking, “now what?” It may feel like a purgatory as we sit in shock, just having realized that we are between just taking Step 1 (admitting our powerlessness), and wondering what's next. We feel as if we are standing on the edge of a huge, bottomless crater. We have just hit one bottom with our addiction or Borderline disorder, and now we stare into another vast void, where we pray to God there IS a bottom. As our sponsor once said to us, “There is no rush. Just sit with your powerlessness for a bit.” A counselor once said, “Just sit with your feelings. Don't do anything. Just be. Don't judge those feelings.” (a *DBT Skill)
“The point of power is always in the present moment.” ~ Louise Hay
Right now, it is probably a good idea for us to think about this.
January 24 | Be Patient
Sit. Don't look down into where we are dangling our feet into the “large void of the unknown”. We are on solid ground, and we may need to be able to count on that for a spell. Don't do anything. We are a “human being”, not a “human doing.” Be mindful of where we are right at this very moment. Don't panic, don't talk to ourselves, (we are alone, remember?), don't plan, and don't stress about what we have just come to realize. Yes, we have a lot of work to do. Think of a simmering stew or marinated steaks - how much better they taste when they have sat in their own juices. We are not belaboring this point because we may not get it...it is being stressed because we did not get what it meant for a long time. Stick with the winners - somewhere along the line, they’ve gotten the message.
“Find someone who has achieved the results you want and copy what they do and you'll achieve the same results.” ~ Anthony Robbins
January 25 | Don't Apologize
..that is, unless we really have acted out of turn, or hurt someone unintentionally. We have a good friend with one little annoying habit. She is always apologizing for something petty. For example, apologizing to a stranger for walking slower than them and holding them up. Or she excuses herself for not being more thoughtful towards us (in a given situation). This person may constantly explain why she is deficient for some reason. It can drive us crazy! Does this “chronic apologizer” not think well of herself? Is she trying to portray some contrived humility to us? Some of us with mental health issues have self-esteem issues. Early in recovery, we act in a manner that could be viewed as “being a doormat” to others. Self-Respect Effectiveness is a learned skill of *DBT.
“Self-worth comes from one thing: thinking that you are worthy.” ~ Wayne Dyer
January 26 | Do the Opposite
We can regulate our emotions and modify our current mood by acting in a manner that is the opposite of how we feel. Scenario: We are bored with our current job, and it is unfulfilling. We worked so hard preparing for an interview with a prestigious firm. Fate had it, though, that we were not offered the position. We can't seem to get over feeling sad and disappointed about it. Then we see an opportunity on a flyer at the grocery store where we can volunteer in our spare time helping underprivileged kids prepare themselves for their first summer job. We think, “why not?” We need an activity where we feel we are doing something beneficial for others. Little did we know of how it would lift our own spirits.
“Being unselfish is the first and final commandment for those who would useful and happy in their usefulness. You cannot develop spiritually without thought for others.” ~ Charles William Eliot
January 27 | Borderline Behaviors
1) Identity disturbance, 2) Unstable relationships, 3) Real or imagined abandonment, 4) Impulsivity, 5) Suicidal behavior, 6) Mood instability and volatility, 7) Feelings of emptiness, 8) Intense anger, 9) Stress-related paranoia. Five of the above 9 criteria are needed to diagnose the disorder of BPD. Because these criteria may be present in different combinations, and be very different from one person to the next, many inaccurate or misdiagnoses may be derived from clinicians not trained in this area. More often than not, other disorders are present along with the BPD, making the highly insidious disorder even more so. Are we drinking or drugging to avoid or to numb the pain of living.
“There is a great deal of pain in life and perhaps the only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain.” ~ R.D. Laing
January 28 | Alcoholism Defined
The main symptom of alcohol abuse occurs when we continue to drink after our drinking reaches a level that causes recurrent problems. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV (DSM-IV) defines alcohol abuse as drinking despite alcohol-related physical, social, psychological, or occupational problems, or drinking in dangerous situations, such as while driving. Both alcoholism and BPD revolve loosely around a lack of control, where something inside us compels us to do things that are harmful to us. Arresting our compulsion to drink or drug or become addicted to anything becomes of paramount importance above all other actions. It becomes the disease itself.
“A bodily disease, which we look upon as whole and entire within itself, may, after all, be but a symptom of some ailment in the spiritual part.” ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, “The Scarlet Letter”
January 29 | Been There
“Religion is for those who are afraid of going to Hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there.” This has been heard in the rooms of 12-Step programs. What does this mean? Religion is defined as an institution that expresses itself in a divine power, or “how we do it.” Spirituality is the essential emotional component that determines one's character, or “why we do it.” If and when we got sober, joining a congregation of a particular church was not high on our list. To belong, we had to believe like them. There was more of a chance of joining a fellowship of people who experienced the same problem with drinking or drugging. To live without all the chaos, we needed to do like them. We were ready for some suggestions on how we could find the way out of our own little Hell.
“In my addiction, I was running from the dark. Now that I am in recovery I find that I am walking toward the light.” ~ Anonymous
January 30 | Done That
Prior to having “been there” (in the previous reading), our goal to prove to ourselves and others was that we didn't have a problem with substance abuse, nor did we exhibit irrational behaviors and explosive anger. We switched from hard liquor to wine coolers. We tried getting high with marijuana instead of meth. Our ultimate desire was to prove that others were wrong in their allegations of how difficult we were to live with. We believed that our employers were making us into company scapegoats. According to our reasoning, our friends were just jealous of us, and were saying things to hurt our reputations. It was all their fault. They were to blame for our discomfort. “The faults of a superior person are like the sun and moon. They have their faults, and everyone sees them; they change, and everyone looks up to them.” ~ Confucius
January 31 | Came to
We have realized that our life has been one big mishap after another. Only now do we realize that we have messed up Big Time? Oh my God, how we wish that it all had not happened the way it did. We alienated people. We destroyed the home where we lived. Well, it's been four weeks, and we have de-toxed, finally. Well at least the worst is over. We have this strong impulse to run around and make apologies to all the people we have run rough-shod over. We want to go to meetings and wave A.A.’s Big Book or N.A.’s text in the air, exclaiming that we are a new person. We want to carry the message on the stages of the social gatherings. We are beginning to become a recovery addict. But, it is a program of healing that is one-day-at-a-time.
“In order to change the world, you have to get your head together first.” ~ Jimi Hendrix
February 1 | Came to Believe
We quit the drugs, drinking, gambling, whatever. Somehow through all of the fog that slowly lifted from around our bewildered heads, we sense that there was something else “out there” that was in our court, and playing on our team. The game seemed the same, and was played by the same rules. But what? The method of scoring was different. It wasn't all about grabbing for everything we thought that we deserved, pushing and shoving our way to the forefront. The goal was about grasping the hand of the person next to us and working together to reach the goals of the team, whatever they may be. We were not working alone anymore to win, and there was no scoreboard. We won when we realized that we needed and accepted help.
“Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
February 2 | Open-Mindedness
In the Twelve and Twelve text of the A.A. Program, it is stated that we don't have to believe in anything; the Steps are suggestions, and we should keep an open mind. Before getting sober, we didn't even believe in ourselves (and we drank to cope with that), no one was going to tell us what to do, and we were usually pretty opinionated and had definite ideas about everything, and dared anyone to change our minds. At this point, admitting to having an addiction, and then turning to a higher power was asking a bit much. Basically, it was only recommended that we keep an unbiased mind about any- and everything that we heard which was new to our awareness. We had come to the conclusion that our way was not working.
“I have experienced many instances of being obliged, by better information, to change opinions, even on important subjects, which I once thought right but found to be otherwise.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
February 3 | Spiritual Disease
It has often been said that any addiction is a disease of spiritual origin. Infection, diabetes, heart disease and a broken bone are all malfunctions of the body, usually remedied by a doctor with medication or medical procedure. However, addiction of any nature usually takes a sort of behavioral, emotional, and mental addressing of the problem to hopefully arrest the problem. These three, often not-so-visible, components are highly complex, and are multi-faceted when it comes to getting to the root of the problem of what caused addictive behavior in an individual. It stands to reason that a spiritual remedy would best address the spiritual illness before it causes disease within the body itself (in its later stages). Can we accept this possibility? Does this make any sense at all?
All addictions are attempts to cover the pain of the spiritual disease of not facing your reality.” ~ Keith Miller
February 4 | Fully-Present
One Day At A Time, Just for Today, Use the 24-Hour Plan, Stay in the Present, Every Day Is a Gift, That's Why We Call It the Present, and so on. It is no coincidence that one of the *DBT Skills in Borderline treatment refers to the same concept: Core Mindfulness - participate and be fully in the present. “Put a foot in yesterday, and a foot in tomorrow and you doo-doo all over today.” Pretty good visual. Recovery in both addictions and BPD suggest that we stay focused on today. Untreated BPD brings a misery so unbearable, that escaping our pain is our main concern. Our addiction enables us to do that, but it brings us more pain and heartache. Recovery is living each day fully with acceptance, peace, sobriety, and mindfulness. Do we want recovery, and the gift of sobriety? Yes, we deserve to be happy, free of addictions and loved.
“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live earnestly in the present.” ~ Buddha
February 5 | Be Truthful
We learned that not being truthful had consequences when we were as young as 2 or 3 years old. There is the old joke, “How do you know an addict is lying?” (Answer) “His lips are moving”. Three spiritual principles in the A.A. program are: Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness. An acronym for D.E.N.I.A.L. is Don't Even Notice I Am Lying. Part of the *DBT Skills of Self-Respect Effectiveness yield the acronym F.A.S.T. The T stands for “be Truthful. Don't lie.” (see page viii) Addicts and Borderlines have a continual need to falsify the truth or lie to hide their addiction and manipulate people. Being truthful is a component of both suggested treatments for both disorders. Sticking with a made-up lie can be a lot of hard work. If in doubt, be truthful.
“It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.” ~ Anonymous
February 6 | Don’t Dally
Mom used to say, “Don't dally!” She meant to not linger, piddle around, or idly waste time. Procrastinating is putting an action off that we really don't want to do. The two words are similar but different. “Dallying around” is moving about our days without much motivation, ambition or purpose. Grandma used to say, “Idleness is the Devil's workshop.” In programs of recovery, if we truly wish to go to any lengths to stay sober and sane, we are willing to take certain actions today and every day. The 12-Steps are not dance steps; it is unadvisable to dance around recovery. They are Steps to taken one at a time, to achieve a serene life, to repair our wreckage from the past, and to rely on a Higher Power for help. So get on a good pair of walking shoes because we have many miles to walk in this journey.
“A wrong decision isn't forever; it can be reversed. The loss from a delayed decision is forever and never can be retrieved.” ~ Unknown
February 7 | Past Regrets
The 2nd Promise in the AA Program tells us that “we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.” One of the *DBT Skills involving emotions is a discussion of the after-effects of sadness, and to not ruminate over past times of pain and losses. Again, similar as they are, the AA program means that we will not blot out the past in our minds as if it didn't happen. In Borderline Personality Disorder, repeatedly cycling in our minds a particular sadness may only spiral us down into feelings of depression and low self-esteem, and possible self-harming acts. An A.A. slogan is: “Sorrow is looking back; worry is looking around.”
“Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.” ~ Al Franken
February 8 | Pushing Away
In the *DBT Skills for Distress Tolerance, we are shown that pushing away thoughts that come to mind in a stressful situation is a way of distracting ourselves. This distraction could save us from boarding the emotional runaway train that may lead us to a mind-set of anger, impulsivity, rage and acting out. The *DBT model tells us to distract ourselves with a different activity, changing the scenery to divert our focus of attention onto something else. All of this falls under the broad category of “Wise Mind ACCEPTS”. (P=Pushing Away). Quick and easy activities for distracting are: walking, listening to music, going to a movie (watching TV may not be enough distraction). The key here is to change locations for a couple of hours.
“It take a powerful man to rule over all with a loud voice. But it takes a truly wise mind to change one action with a whisper.” ~ Unknown
February 9 | Relax, Now
The importance of relaxation is paramount in any program of recovery. Relaxing reduces stress, inhibits acting out, helps pain management, and aids faltering relationships. Healing from an illness or surgery or a disappointment or a broken relationship is a gradual process. Realizing and taking steps to relax ought to be put at the top of our list of “things to do today,” now. Possibly, our life before treatment was similar to that of a hamster running in his wheel and getting nowhere. The time has come to get off the wheel, out of the “prison cage” of our addiction, and to try a few suggestions of others who have more time sober. Recovery is not a chore to be compared to scaling Mt. Everest. Take a couple of steps in the right direction and relax. Rome wasn't built in a day.
“Relaxation is the prerequisite for that inner expansion that allows a person to express the source of inspiration and joy within.” ~ Deepak Chopra
February 10 | Have Faith
“Have Faith” doesn't mean believe in God, or go to church. It means to be loyal to a cause (your recovery), having complete confidence in ourselves, and a strong belief in a Higher Power of some sort, not necessarily God. Having “Faith” is a good thing, but it works better when it is coupled with action. In several places in the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous it states, “Faith without works is dead.” It stands to reason also that “works without any faith” is pointless work. No ends, no goal, no pay, no importance, no outcome or no reason does make such an expenditure of energy a waste of time. Acts without hope that something will come of them can be considered as aimless. Aimlessness begets inertia and inactivity, stagnation, then spiritual rotting all lead to “stinkin' thinkin', which can lead to drinkin'.”
“A man of courage is also full of faith.” ~ Cicero
February 11 | Stigma
“Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all.” That statement was made by former-President Bill Clinton. Decades ago, there was a stigma attached to a person who had alcohol and drug addiction. With the proliferation of the “Anonymous” programs of recovery, the stigma of addictions has lost its some of its negative connotations. Then the prevalence of mental illness and “insane asylums” filled the average man, namely us, with repugnance and fear. We fear that which we do not understand. Our ignorance becomes a revulsion, then a stigma is created so that we can justifiably disapprove and spurn those of us who are afflicted.
“The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don't know anything about.” ~ Wayne Dyer
February 12 | Borderline of Life
There is a realm of our existence referred to as “the borderline of life”; a place where we can experience the spiritual world while remaining in the physical. Somewhere in recovery, we may stumble upon hearing something about “our guardian angels.” Many, many people believe that they truly exist in our lives. As BPD's and addicts we survived such harrowing events where only the Grace of God or a Guardian Angel could see to it that our life was spared - when by all logic we should have perished in that auto accident, or shooting, or house fire, or boating accident. Alcoholics have reported angels in human form helping them through a perilous situation. Have we ever felt their presence beside us ? “Make friends with the angels, who are always with you. Often invoke them, constantly praise them, and make good use of their help in all your affairs.” ~ Saint Francis de Sales
February 13 | Karmic Debt
“Life as a person with BPD is a life lived in between…in between what you hear in your head and what is actually said in the real world.” Ann V. This is the predicament of the BPD. Our life spreads out before us: scenes, conversations, events. Then there is the dialog in our heads of how we are reacting to these occurrences. As BPD's, we all know that inner dialog. It can be one of distrust, splitting, paranoia, or irritation. The world “out there” doesn't have a chance of being experienced in a congenial manner--we BPD's can make mince-meat out of everything 'out there' as translated in our heads. Our Inner Critic. We alcoholics have this capacity to do this as well, and it is quadrupled if we are Borderline.
“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” ~ Wayne Dyer
February 14 | Sobriety and Stability
The message in this day's reading is simple: sobriety from drugs and alcohol will help us in stabilizing our moods. As we keep our emotions regulated, we will not feel the need to “numb out” with substances to avoid our chaotic and painful emotions. It doesn't get any more plain than that. A drinking Borderline will remain just that: a drunk with a mental disorder. A sober Borderline will clearly and rationally realize that they need to go into treatment for their mental disorder. The chaos, self-loathing and instability will only get worse if left untreated. Sobriety alone will not cure the torment. Sobriety and treatment of our mental disorder will put us on a more stable path.
“The road to sobriety is a simple journey for confused people with a complicated disease.” ~ Unknown
February 15 | Dual Recoveries
Our recovery depends on a Twelve-Step group and a mental health support group. Our needs are many and complex because of our dual diagnosis. Interaction of the two maladies presents very complicated consequences. The BPD symptoms can be so painful that relapsing is very possible, because we BPD’s need to seek relief to our mental pain. The cycle of insanity begins anew. It can be extremely difficult to discern whether our insanity is a result of our addiction or our mental disorder. Which do we address when we don't know? Does it really matter? Because we have both occurring at the same time, we have to treat both with equal importance. Both can be tearing our lives apart.
“Insanity is as close as saying yes to the wrong impulse.” ~ Anonymous
February 16 | Dual Dilemma
We have heard in group discussions: “I am dismayed when treated in the following manner by those who know I have BPD: People seem to appear courteous when I speak up in conversation. They nod politely, smile, then go on talking about something else when I am finished talking. Talk about making me feel as though I were invisible! Am I that insignificant? Or is it just my distorted perception of what is occurring?” If we've heard it once, we've heard it many times. A lot of us have major self-esteem problems. We constantly doubt ourselves, and can feel uncomfortable interacting with others socially. We do not feel as if we have any value. Do we all feel this way sometimes? How is that working for us?