THE COOLEST PEOPLE IN COMEDY: 250 ANECDOTES
By David Bruce
Dedicated with Love to Martha Farmer
SMASHWORDS EDITION
Copyright 2010 by Bruce D. Bruce
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Cover Photograph
Photographer: Alexandr Stepanov
Agency: Dreamstime
•••
The Coolest People in Comedy: 250 Anecdotes
Acting
• Whoopi Goldberg has had excellent success as an actress. When Stephen Spielberg told her that he wanted her to make her film-acting debut in his movie The Color Purple, she was happy. In fact, she says, “My teeth caught cold ’cause all I could do was grin.” However, she did have to think about appearing in the movie. At first, she thought that Mr. Spielberg wanted her to play a small role, but instead he wanted her to play a major role. But she did not think about it for long. She realized that this was Mr. Spielberg wanting her to be in his movie, so she thought, Wake up, stupid. Say yes. She did say yes, and she was nominated for the Best Actress Oscar but did not win. Later, she was nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her performance in Ghost—and won. In her acceptance speech, she said that she had been practicing making an acceptance speech for an Oscar since she was a little girl, and she joked, “My brother’s sitting out there, saying, ‘Thank god, we don’t have to listen to her anymore.’”
• On The Drew Carey Show, Mimi Bobeck, played by Kathy Kinney, became a breakout character and Ms. Kinney became a major co-star, although Mimi was originally conceived as a minor character. Mimi, known for her outrageous makeup and clothing and hatred for all things Drew, owes a lot to Ms. Kinney, who is able to make funny many actions that seem to lack funniness. For example, in one scene, she had to obey the direction, Mimi hands an envelope to Drew. But instead of merely handing the envelope to Drew, first Ms. Kinney coughed on it. Ms. Kinney says, “In that moment, Mimi was born.”
• Actresses sometimes have love scenes in movies, and some actresses find these scenes difficult to do. Ellen DeGeneres once was asked to do a lesbian love scene with Sharon Stone in an Anne Hecht-directed segment of HBO’s If These Walls Could Talk 2. Ms. DeGeneres at first did not want to do the scene, but she gave in after Ms. Hecht pointed out, “I’ve made out with some weasels [on film], and I got you Sharon Stone!”
• When Chris Rock made the movie Nurse Betty with veteran actor Morgan Freeman, he would sometimes overact. Mr. Freeman had an interesting way of showing Mr. Rock that he was overacting: Mr. Freeman would overact, too, and Mr. Rock knew that he had to start acting instead of overacting.
Ad-Libs
• Back when vaudeville was alive and well, Eddie Cantor and George Jessel were performing together. Mr. Cantor made an ad-lib that got a big laugh, and then Mr. Jessel made an ad-lib that got an even bigger laugh. Not knowing anything to say to get a bigger laugh than Mr. Jessel, Mr. Cantor took off a shoe and hit Mr. Jessel on the head with it. Upset, in part because of the huge laugh that Mr. Cantor had gotten by hitting him, Mr. Jessel started complaining to the audience, “Ladies and gentlemen, this so-called grown-up man, whom I have the misfortune to be working with, is so lacking in decorum, breeding, and intelligence, that when he was unable to think of a clever retort he had to descend to the lowest form of humor by taking off his shoe and striking me on the head. Only an insensitive oaf would sink so low.” Mr. Cantor had the perfect response to Mr. Jessel’s speech. He hit Mr. Jessel on the head with his shoe again.
• Being an insult comedian has its advantages. Comedians Don Rickles and Joan Rivers performed together in Miami, Florida. A Florida judge asked, “Mr. Rickles, why don’t you come have lunch and play golf tomorrow?” If he had asked Ms. Rivers, she would have politely replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I have a prior family engagement and I can’t get out of it, but thank you.” Mr. Rickles, on the other hand, is an insult comedian, so he replied, “Listen: One, I’m leaving town. Two, you’re a putz. You’re loud, obnoxious, incredibly boring, and I wouldn’t play golf with you because I don’t live here and you couldn’t fix a ticket. No.” What was the judge’s response to being insulted by a famous insult comedian? He laughed.
• Comedian Joey Bishop was quick with an ad-lib and with a joke. One evening he was performing in a nightclub when glamorous actress Marilyn Monroe came in wearing very expensive furs. Mr. Bishop said to her, “Marilyn, I told you to sit in the truck.” And after he got a small part in the movie The Naked and the Dead, he told an audience, “I played both parts.” Mr. Bishop didn’t mind making fun of his good friend Frank Sinatra, who did mind when people other than Mr. Bishop made fun of him. Mr. Bishop once said about his good friend, “Frank regularly calls Dial-A-Prayer to pick up his messages.”
• One of stand-up comedian Greg Dean’s students made the mistake of rehearsing her act silently instead of out loud, with the result that, as Mr. Dean had predicted, she forgot her act when she got up in front of a nightclub audience. Fortunately, she maintained a playful attitude and got a few laughs ad-libbing a few jokes about forgetting her act. When Mr. Dean yelled out a few words to remind her of the topic of one of her funniest bits, she got a laugh by saying to him, “Thanks, Greg, now I have to stay up here and actually do my show.”
• On Jack Benny’s radio show, Virgil Reimer, the show’s sound-effects man, ran into a problem. A telephone was supposed to ring on the show, and he had just discovered that the machine that was supposed to make the sound of a telephone had weak batteries and wasn’t working. Therefore, Mr. Reimer said into a microphone, “Ding-a-ling-ling.” The audience in the radio studio laughed, and Mr. Benny ad-libbed, “I’ll get it—it sounds like a person-to-person call.”
• British comedian Danny La Rue performed in drag, and he was very funny. One night, a woman in the audience was annoyed that her boyfriend was paying attention to Mr. La Rue’s performance instead of paying attention to her, so she bared her breasts and told her boyfriend, “Look—these are real.” From the stage, Mr. La Rue said, “Yes, darling, they are—but I can hang mine up when it’s hot!”
Advertising
• The profit motive makes many retailers feel kindly toward men who like to dress like women. Joan Rivers was selling some of her bejeweled products on the Home Shopping Network when a person named “Margaret” telephoned to rave about a certain bejeweled product she had previously purchased. Based on the sound of Margaret’s voice, Miss Veronica Vera, founder of Miss Vera’s Finishing School for Boys Who Want to be Girls, wondered whether Margaret’s real name might be Pete rather than Peggy. Ms. Rivers didn’t care either way—she kept on plugging her bejeweled products.
• A hotel owner once telephoned comedian George Jessel to find out how much he would charge for a performance. When Mr. Jessel said his price was $1,000, the hotel owner offered, “I’ll tell you what I’ll do for you, Georgie my boy. I’ll give you $500 and put your picture in the Sunday Times in my ad.” Mr. Jessel replied, “I’ll tell you what I’ll do for you, Julius my boy. You give me $1,000 and you can put your picture in the Sunday Times in your ad.”
Alcohol
• When children’s mystery writer Joan Lowery Nixon was young, her parents moved the family to a new house, very close to the house owned by W.C. Fields. Being both observant and curious, Ms. Nixon noticed that a closet in her new home was unusual in that it could be locked from the inside. She investigated, using a measuring tape, and discovered that the closet was in front of another, hidden space. Her mother would not let her investigate further, but after Mr. Fields died, Ms. Nixon toured his house in the presence of a real-estate agent, who showed her a hidden room that had been used to hide liquor during Prohibition. Both houses—that of Mr. Fields and that of Ms. Nixon’s family—had been built during Prohibition.
• Some comedians take a drink to steady their nerves before performing. George Gobel once had Garry Moore as a guest on The George Gobel Show. Mr. Moore visited Mr. Gobel in his dressing room before the live TV show started, and Mr. Gobel motioned to a bottle of whiskey and said, “Have a drink.” However, Mr. Moore replied, “Thanks, but I don’t believe I’ll have anything before the show. I’ll be happy to join you for a drink after the show.” Mr. Gobel could hardly believe what he was hearing: “Garry, do you mean to say you go out there all alone?”
• Comedian Bill Hicks used to do a lot of drugs, especially alcohol. Fortunately, after going on a late-night drug binge, then doing a radio show at 7 in the morning—during which he was funny although his heart was pounding instead of beating—he decided that he needed help. Mr. Hicks asked a friend who was currently peaceful although he had formerly been wild and crazy, “Are you going to one of those AA meetings today?” The friend replied, “I’ve been waiting three years for you to say that. There’s a meeting in 15 minutes. Let’s go.”
• While the movie The Captain Hates the Sea was being filmed on location, the atmosphere was that of a party, and expenses mounted quickly. Columbia studio head Harry Cohn wired the director, Lewis Milestone: “HURRY UP! THE COST IS STAGGERING!” Mr. Milestone sent back this telegram: “SO IS THE CAST.”
• In his home, W.C. Fields kept a chalkboard on which he listed his appointments. When comic writer H. Allen Smith visited him, Mr. Fields had listed, “Stay home and meditate on the follies of humankind. P.S. Get stiff.”
Animals
• As a small boy, Wally Cox owned a cat that was smarter than he was and smarter than the adult humans in his household. For example, like all house pets, this cat would sometimes be accidentally shut in a room with all the doors and windows closed. When that happened, the cat would meow, then wait. If that didn’t bring a human running to let the cat out of the room, then the cat would knock something small off a shelf or table onto the floor, then wait. If that didn’t bring a human running to let the cat out of the room, then the cat would knock something large off a shelf or table onto the floor, then wait. The bigger items made lots of noise, and soon a human would come running to let the cat out of the room. Once the cat was shut in the basement with lots of canning jars. This time, however, the humans thought that they would train the cat. No matter how many jars of canned goods the cat knocked onto the floor, the humans would NOT come running to let the cat out of the basement. The cat knocked a canning jar onto the floor, then another, and then another—until 32 canning jars were on the floor. The humans remained resolute, and did not come running to let the cat out of the basement. Then a truly major racket exploded in the basement, and the humans came running and opened the door to the basement. The cat came out of the basement—objective achieved—and walked haughtily away. This is what had happened. An ironing board was at the top of the basement stairs, and the cat had managed to knock it over so that it crashed down the basement stairs. After that experience, the humans were properly trained. Whenever the cat needed to be let out of a room or the basement, the humans came running—quickly.
• When Margaret Cho was in Tibet, she visited a dog monastery, which she describes as a temple for reincarnated monks—that is, monks who went astray during their human lives and who have come back as dogs. Ms. Cho remembers that the temple is quiet: The dogs do not bark, howl, or fight, and at the temple the major activity of both monks and dogs is quiet meditation. Visitors can feed the dogs pieces of dough, and the dogs wait in line for their turn to eat! Ms. Cho says, “When I think of Tibet, I remember the politeness of the dogs, pulling back their dog lips and ever so gently taking the food from my hand with their open teeth, not wanting to bite my hand accidentally, and then looking warmly into my eyes with a silent thanks.”
April Fools Day
• Someone at Google Maps has a sense of humor. Close to April Fools Day, an editor of the website Nevada Thunder asked it for directions from Chicago, Illinois to Amsterdam, Netherlands. Step 20 said, “Swim across the Atlantic Ocean: 3,462 mi.”
Audiences
• British comedian David O’Doherty once performed in front of 40 people, 20 of whom were members of the Active Elderly Association, which meant that much of his audience were in their eighties. Unfortunately, his act was not meant for people in their eighties, so he was performing routines about iPhones and about spying on a naked lady doing aerobics when he was 12 years old. During intermission, he figured that all the old people would leave, but they were still present when he walked out for the second half of his act. He asked them, “Why are you still here?” One of the old people replied, “The bus doesn’t come to get us until 11.” He also used to do readings of children’s books in libraries. Ten minutes after he began reading one book, a small boy raised his hand and asked, “Does this get good soon?” Mr. O’Doherty says, “It was so profound. How many times—not just at a gig, but in a relationship or at a family get-together—have you wanted to raise your hand and ask that?”
• Stand-up comedian Kristen Schaal used to practice her act in front of an unusual audience: the cows on the Colorado farm where she grew up. She says, “I had time on my hands. I would perform in front of the cows. They never mooed. They never heckled. They were very polite. That’s how I learned to not expect anything from an audience.” Despite its being unusual, this kind of audience is good practice for real audiences, as Ms. Schaal points out, “I went back home recently, and I looked at the cows again and thought, ‘God, they have the same expression as audiences.’ Just expectant—they want something but they’re just, like, waiting. And they have no idea what they’re waiting for. After that training, I was set.”
• Comedian Larry Storch was doing stand-up comedy in Detroit at a time when Soupy Sales was doing a Detroit children’s show that was widely watched by adults. Mr. Storch heard that a local TV celebrity was in the audience, and he thought that the audience would like to know that, so he announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, there’s a guy named Soupy Sales in the audience who you might know and he’s sitting right over there. Let’s say hello.” Big mistake. The audience mobbed Soupy Sales, leaving nobody to listen to Mr. Storch’s act. Mr. Storch says, “It was embarrassing. They left the joint empty.”
• Early in his career, British comedian Danny La Rue appeared in a nightclub where the audience sat quietly throughout his performance. He thought that he had bombed completely and that his career was over, until he was informed that previously the audience had always ignored whatever comedian was performing so that they could talk amongst themselves. Getting the audience to listen to his performance was a tremendous achievement, and Mr. La Rue was on his way to a very highly paid career as a comedian.
• Fred Weintraub owned the Bitter End, a club where many comedians plied their art and became famous. He listened to the audience and let its reaction decide whether he should keep an act. If the audience hated an act, he kept it. If the audience loved an act, he kept it. If the audience members said after a performance, “That’s a nice act,” he dropped that act. According to Mr. Weintraub, the one thing he did not want was for an audience to be indifferent.
• Comedian Eddie Cantor often spoke in Christian churches, and when he was present “officially” for a charity, the church was usually standing room only. But when he dropped in without advance notice, the church would often be half-empty. Once he ended a speech by saying, “Your minister tells me you’ve set an attendance record today. I suppose I should be honored—but isn’t it a shame that God Himself isn’t a big enough attraction!”
• Starting out as a stand-up comedian can be tough. Dallas comedian Sherry Belle remembers getting laughs her first time on stage; unfortunately, the audience was laughing at all the wrong places. For example, she finished a joke, but the audience didn’t laugh, so she said, “That was the punch line.” That made the audience laugh.
• Sam Mayo was a British music-hall comedian who was popular for a time, but whose comedy fell out of favor and forced his retirement. After retiring, he used to stand outside of music halls listening to the applause given to other performers as tears ran down his cheeks.
Auditions
• Jim J. Bullock is famous in part for playing Monroe Ficus on the TV sitcom Too Close for Comfort. To get the part, he first had to perform at the audition, which started late and kept him waiting for an hour. Mr. Bullock stormed into the audition, threw a hissy fit—and threw the screenplay at the feet of the producer—screamed that he should never have been kept waiting that long, and stormed out. A moment later, he entered the room again—on his hands and knees, begging for the job. Everyone laughed, and he got the part.
• Comedian Robin Williams earned great fame as Mork of the TV sitcom Mork and Mindy. Mork was an outer-space alien, and when Mr. Williams was asked at an audition to sit in a chair while in character as Mork, he did exactly that—and sat on his head. Fame really did come quickly. At an ice-skating rink, Mr. Williams stepped into a telephone booth to make a call. He was recognized by fans, who gawked at him through the glass. Mr. Williams says, “I felt like I was in the San Diego Zoo.”
Autographs
• Morris “Moe” Feinberg was the brother of Larry Fine, one of the Three Stooges. Mr. Feinberg went to a nightclub in Atlantic City, where an entertainer recognized him and introduced him to the audience, talking about the Three Stooges and saying, “I see Larry’s brother, Moe Fine, a good friend and a fellow performer. Moe, would you stand up and take a bow?” Afterward, a woman came up and asked for Mr. Feinberg’s autograph. He explained that he was only a small-time performer and not famous, but the woman smiled and said, “You can’t fool me with that ‘brother’ stuff. You’re Larry, all right.” Mr. Feinberg signed the autograph, “With warm regards, Larry ‘Stooge’ Fine.”
• English comedian Benny Hill appears to have been very likeable in real life. For one thing, he answered every letter from fans and never turned down a request for an autographed photograph. Also making him popular, of course, was his talent at being funny. Mr. Hill did joke about his public image as a comic lover. He used to say, “I imagine people also think I’m having it off with the girls in my show. Well I haven’t had it off with them since … what time is it now?” and “This is the book where I keep the names of all the girls I’ve been to bed with. They’re in alphabetical order. Starting with Zelda.”
• Being a popular entertainer does have drawbacks. Country comedian Jerry Clower once ordered a ham dinner at Cracker Barrel, but he never did eat it because his gravy got cold as he signed 39 menus. He ended up going to a Seven-Eleven and buying crackers and Vienna sausages.
• Groucho Marx wrote this note in reply to an 11-year-old autograph collector: “Here is the autograph. I would send you a lock of my hair but it’s at the barbershop getting washed.”
Automobiles
• When he was a teenager, Soupy Sales used to double-date with a friend named Bill Cravens. The two would take their dates to a movie, go to the park to neck (smooch) for a while, and then get something to eat. On one double-date, Soupy’s date didn’t want to go to the park because she said she wasn’t feeling well, so Soupy told Bill that they needed to take his date home. She asked, “Aren’t we going to get something to eat?” Soupy replied, “If you’re too sick to neck, you’re too sick to eat.” Back when Soupy was a teenager, not every teenager who was old enough to drive had a car. On his double-dates, a friend with a car would drop Soupy off at his date’s friend’s house, and then the friend with a car would pick up his date and then come back to get Soupy and his date. Once, Soupy was in a house waiting for his date to come down from upstairs. The young woman’s father said, “Gee, I wonder what’s keeping Elaine?” Soupy said, “Wait a minute! Isn’t this Joanne Pinckard’s house? The young woman’s father said, “No, Joanne lives across the street.”
Beauty
• In 2008, comedian Margaret Cho debuted a new show: Beautiful. The genesis of the show came when a radio host asked Ms. Cho, “What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and you were beautiful?” She was shocked by the question because, as people who know and love her (or see her) realize, she is beautiful. She asked the radio host, “What?” and he explained, “What if you woke up and you were blond, blue-eyed, 5’ 11” and weighed 100 lbs and you were beautiful, what would you do?” Uh—5’ 11” and 100 lbs! Ms. Cho says, “I told him I probably wouldn’t get up because I would be too weak to stand!” She also thought, “It upset me because I thought if that was the only person he thinks is beautiful, he must not see much beauty ever. I wanted to do a show about how we are all beautiful. It is something I have to constantly tell myself.”
• Apparently, the Ziegfeld Follies’ Flo Ziegfeld was a good judge of feminine beauty but lacked a sense of humor. He once watched W.C. Fields make the audience roar with laughter with a comedy sketch, then asked how long the sketch had taken. The answer came back: 28 minutes. Mr. Ziegfeld next asked how long it took for the girls to get ready for the next scene. The answer came back: seven minutes. Mr. Ziegfeld then ordered Mr. Fields to cut his comedy sketch to seven minutes.
Children
• As a small boy, Wally Cox learned that some of the best things in life could be purchased with a box top from a box of cereal or the aluminum seal from a jar of Ovaltine. Just send in a box top or an aluminum seal and a small amount of money to cover shipping and handling, and all kinds of neat stuff—including a Cub reporter’s certificate (from a radio program starring Dick Steel, the boy reporter)—would arrive in your mailbox. The aluminum seal from a jar of Ovaltine bought young Wally the knowledge of how to decode the secret messages that were broadcast at the end of the Little Orphan Annie radio program—secret messages that gave hints about Little Orphan Annie’s next exciting adventure. Young Wally was proud to know the code: A is 2, B is 4, C is 6, etc. Unfortunately, soon after young Wally learned how to decode the secret messages, the dullest boy in school told him, “Hey, you wanna know the Little Orphan Annie secret code? A is 2, B is 4, C is 6 ….” Disappointed at being unable to amaze even the dullest boy in school with his foreknowledge of Little Orphan Annie’s next exciting adventure, young Wally soon stopped sending away for things that required payment of a box top or an aluminum seal.
• Some people are fortunate in that they know what they want to do at an early age. When she was six, lesbian comedian Liz Feldman saw a Purim play at her synagogue in which her 11-year-old sister played Queen Esther. After the show, Liz pointed to the stage and told her mother, “That’s what I want to do!” At age 10, she asked her parents for an agent for her birthday. Unfortunately, she got a 10-speed bicycle instead. At age 12, she started auditioning in Manhattan. At age 15, she answered an ad looking for children who wrote and performed their own stand-up material, so she wrote three minutes of material and got a role in a play about very young stand-up comedians. One of the jokes she wrote—which she now considers “so bad” and yet “so gay”—is this: “You know how some kids will get embarrassed when their moms will spit on a napkin to wipe the dirt off their face? My mom just licks my face.”
• Jim Carrey was funny even as a youngster. One of his “acts” was to put a lot of colored candies in his mouth, chew them up, and then pretend to vomit. His very young audience loved it. In school, he once got in trouble when his teacher saw him mocking some musicians on a record. Fortunately, all turned out well. Thinking to embarrass him, his teacher ordered him to do what he was doing in front of the class. Young Jim did, and he was so funny that his teacher invited him to do the act at the school’s Christmas assembly. And when his mother became ill, Jim’s comedy cheered her up—sometimes at odd times. Occasionally, his father would wake him up and say, “Sorry to wake you up in the middle of the night, but your mother and I could use a good laugh. You’re on in five.”
• As you may expect, comedian George Carlin took too many illegal drugs in his life. According to journalist David Hochman, when Mr. Carlin and his 11-year-old daughter took a vacation to Hawaii, she made him sign a contract stating that he wouldn’t snort cocaine for the duration of the vacation. Despite his illegal drug use, and despite his heart problems, he got old, something that really wasn’t a problem for him. He stated that “the richness of memory, the richness of acquired and accumulated experience and wisdom, I won’t trade that. At 67, I’m every age I ever was. I always think of that. I’m not just 67. I’m also 55 and 21 and three. Oh, especially three.”
• David Letterman was an original even in high school. For an English assignment he was required to write about an important event in a person’s life, so he wrote about a man who had swallowed paper towels—his way of committing suicide. While working at a grocery store, David once put cornhusks in a box of cornflakes and put it on the shelf. Not everyone was impressed by him—or his sense of humor. His high-school guidance counselor, Marilyn Dearing, wrote that he was “a run-of-the-mill ordinary average kid.” In an interview after he became famous, she said, “I didn’t think David was funny then, and I still don’t think he is funny.”
• George Burns was Jewish, but once he wanted to become Presbyterian. Why? As a small child, he was a member of a singing group that sang in an amateur talent contest at a church picnic. They won first prize—each boy received a watch. Young George was so excited that he ran home and told his mother that he wanted to become a Presbyterian—he had been a Jew all seven years of his life and never gotten anything, and he had been a Presbyterian for 15 minutes and gotten a watch. His mother told him, “First help me hang up the wash, then you can be a Presbyterian.”
• Frank Sinatra loved his kids. Sometimes, he took daughter Tina out to eat. She was surprised that so many people stared at her in restaurants. Frank was embarrassed as he said to her, “They’re not staring at you, Pigeon. They’re staring at me.” Frank’s love for Tina worked out well for television comedian Soupy Sales, who was happy to get a telephone call one day from a major, major star: “I’m Frank Sinatra. My kid wants me to do your show.”
• Like father, like son. When comedian Robin Williams was a boy, he had a large collection of various kinds of toy soldiers, and he would engage the soldiers in time-machine battles. For example, he would pit World War II soldiers with machine guns against knights in shining armor. Zach, Robin’s son, is also original. At his first formal-wear event, he didn’t wear a tuxedo—he wore camouflage and Doc Martin boots.
• As a boy, Quaker humorist Tom Mullen attended Boys’ State, where a military officer inspected him and some other lads. Young Tom had some fuzz on his cheeks, so the officer asked, “What’s the matter, son? Don’t you have a razor?” Young Tom replied, “Yes, sir, but I don’t lend it to strangers.” The witticism drew laughs from the other boys—and the largest number of demerits possible from the officer.
• Ron Howard, of course, was only five years old when he started co-starring in The Andy Griffith Show. Later, he became a renowned Hollywood director. Comedian George Lindsey, who played Goober, was once asked what he thought of his little co-star Ronny’s work as a director. He replied, “We call him Mr. Howard now.”
• The early life of comedian Bill Cosby was not one of privilege. One place he lived in as a child lacked a bathtub, so the Cosby children would put a metal tub on the stove to heat the water, then move the tub to the floor and take a bath.
Christmas
• When Fanny Brice’s husband, Nicky Arnstein, went to jail, Fanny kept the truth from their children, telling them that their father was working in Paris. For Christmas, the children wrote their father, telling him that they wanted a pair of rabbits for Christmas. Fanny therefore arranged to have two rabbits shipped from Paris to their home, along with lots of food and water to keep the rabbits healthy. However, when the crate was opened in the United States, many more than two rabbits hopped out—the journey had been long, and the rabbits had been doing what rabbits do. The children thought that their father had been especially generous that Christmas.
• One Christmas, comedian W.C. Fields called a locksmith to come to his house on an emergency. When the locksmith arrived, Mr. Field showed him a door with a lock in which a key had been broken. “My best friend is trapped in there!” Mr. Fields cried. “Do something before he smothers to death!” However, when the locksmith opened the door, nothing was to be found except many, many bottles of liquor.
• Early in his career, stand-up comedian Greg Dean made little money and consequently had no money to buy Christmas presents. Therefore, he developed a comedy routine, then went to the houses of his friends and relatives, where he gave the routine and made that their Christmas present.
Clothing
• Comedian Fannie Brice needed time to develop a sense of fashion. When Ziegfeld Follies impresario Florenz “Flo” Ziegfeld invited her and Lillian Lorraine to dinner, Fannie went all out in acquiring what she thought was an outfit that would impress Mr. Ziegfeld. Among other items, she bought a hat that looked as if it was growing a vegetable garden. Unfortunately, her outfit horrified Mr. Ziegfeld, who was a man of taste. He told Ms. Lorraine, a woman of taste, “Why don’t you take this kid out and teach her how to dress? Here is $250. Get her some clothes.” Ms. Brice did not throw her hat away, but instead she sold it to Ms. Lorraine’s maid. Unfortunately for Mr. Ziegfeld, the maid wore the hat one day while traveling with Ms. Lorraine. Mr. Ziegfeld saw the hat, and he was so upset that he told the maid, “I never want to see that hat again. I’ll give you $25 [a lot of money in the early 20th century] to get rid of it.”
• Early in their careers, British comedians Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders shared a house. Ms. Saunders was known for being disorganized and messy, although she later became much neater after having children. Unfortunately, their house was broken into. They called the police, who investigated and said, “Well, it is quite bad, but the worst is that room at the top.” Actually, the burglars hadn’t entered the room at the top. That room was Ms. Saunders’ room, and it was in its usual messy state. Ms. French says about Ms. Saunders, “She used to be up to her knees in old pants.”