Dipping into a darkened soul
by
Philip Mackenzie
SMASHWORDS EDITION
PUBLISHED BY
Philip Mackenzie on Smashwords
Copyright 2011 by Philip Mackenzie
This ebook is a work of non-fiction.
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Dipping into a darkened soul
Depression…..Sorry did I say a bad word? Did I swear? No I merely stated an illness. Many people still do not see depression as an illness, “snap out of it“, they say. Others acknowledge it but do not handle it “I suffer from depression” is often met with “Oh ok, I have to go, bye“. Unfortunately, many people, me included, live with depression.
WAIT…This is not going to be a woe is me tale, taking you through every micro emotion that finds me here today. It is an exploration of certain points of an illness and the journey that is a long way from over.
My viewpoint on depression may be somewhat different than most people and is likely to raise an eyebrow or two. I have the opinion that the illness is along the lines of a deficiency, if my iron levels are low I am prescribed iron tablets. Vitamin C deficiency ? pop a pill. A person diagnosed as diabetic is given insulin. My point of these examples is they all replace something that the body is not making in sufficient quantity. Clinical depression is, in its most basic form, a chemical imbalance in the brain so therefore should be judged in the same way as other deficiency illnesses.
Ok lets get personal. I was born into a stable family with no major upheavals in my formative years. My memories of my first school are mostly good but an incident occurred that may have had an effect that has stayed with me till this day. I can’t recall my exact age but I was either 9 or 10 years of age and preparing for PE by jogging around the school play ground, my next memory of this incident is waking up in the local hospital a day and a half older. The story that was reiterated to me was one of high drama, actually it wasn’t at all dramatic. I collided with a friend ( who has gone on to be a pretty successful actor…I digress but won’t name drop ) and was knocked unconscious. Maybe some neural pathways were knocked about a bit maybe not. The rest of my schooling passes without any turmoil or major upset to speak of. The next little adventure of my life and probably the point of some major damage was college. I was a pretty good student and kept out of trouble. I had a good core group of friends and never thought that we were the “wrong” crowd. I can’t remember when, where or how but certain substances were consumed that maybe shouldn’t of. This probably would not of been too much of a problem if it had been an experimental use but it became a regular part of life for two years. There are many reports concerning the long term damage that certain drugs can inflict upon the human brain. I don’t wish to dwell on this too much but I think it is hard not to make any connection with this and depression.
The next period of my life is one that I wish to devote very little narration to as it took me many years to come to terms with. To break it down I married, became a father, divorced and fell apart. I was in my very early twenties and at the time felt that my world had collapsed. I didn’t have the mental strength or life experience to deal with such an upheaval and this heavily darkened my soul. With perfect hindsight I should have dealt with my emotions but I instead became somewhat introverted and once again turned to substances as a crutch. I continued a course of erratic behaviour but kept an outward presence to most people of normality. This course of action continued in waves for four years until I found someone to help steady the ship of my life.
The term "soul mate" is easily banded about but I truly met mine. She joined me on a destructive course and stuck by me through some very erratic times. It quickly became apparent that no matter where my journey was destined to lead me I would not be going alone. The decision to clean up my act was quite a simple one but also one that would once again open up the darker part of my nature. The destructive nature of substance abuse was replaced by a destructive force that was, in some ways, more destructive. I became consumed with paranoia, mistrust and jealousy. All these feelings were totally unjustified and ultimately led to me leaving my job. It started to sink in that I required some help in dealing with issues. After consultation with my doctor I was given antidepressants and counselling. I was one of the “counselling won’t help me” kind of people so was quite shocked that within half an hour of my first session I was in floods of tears and had a bad case of verbal incontinence. After a period of counselling and medication I felt it time to leave my “crutch” behind. I thought I had faced down all my so called demons but still had a feeling of sadness. Life continued in this way for many years with me thinking I was dealing with things successfully but clearly not.
I had (and conversely still do) a good home life and a good work life but I still could sit in a room full of people and feel alone, I could be fully involved in a conversation but within seconds feel alienated. My moods started changing and my emotions were uncontrollable. I found myself crying for no reason and finally had to admit, after breaking down to the point of hardly being able to speak to my boss, that I had never got through my depression.
This brings me to where I am today and my thoughts onto where the future may lead. I am currently taking an antidepressant that does not numb me but gives me a sense of evenness. I still feel emotions but am not controlled by them, I am not too proud to admit that I see my use of antidepressants as a long term solution.
I know that some of my thoughts will not stand up to either logical or medical examination but I feel that they work for me.
Putting these thoughts into words has been a slightly selfish but cathartic experience, if one person looks at this and questions their ideas of depression than I have achieved more than I set out to.
The saying goes something like “every journey starts with a single step, I'm not saying I have taken that step but at least I am looking at a map.