Women at P.L.A.Y!
Peace, Love, and Acceptance of
Yourself after 40
By Suzan Tusson, CPCC
Copyright 2011 by Suzan
Tusson
Published by Suzan Tusson
www.SuzanTussonAuthor.com
www.SuzanTusson.com
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Disclaimer
The
purpose of this book is to educate and empower. The author does not
guarantee that anyone following these techniques, suggestions, tips,
ideas, or strategies will be successful. The author shall have
neither liability nor responsibility to anyone with respect to any
loss or damage caused, or alleged to be caused, directly or
indirectly by the information contained in this book.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgements
Preface
Introduction
Chapter 1 You Are Your First Priority
Section
One: Living Your Passion
Chapter
2 Indulge Your Body, Mind, and Soul
Chapter
3 Write Your Heart Out! Journaling for Full Self-Expression
Chapter
4 Strengthening Your Relationships
Section
Two: Living Your Purpose
Chapter
5 Burning a Passageway into my Soul
Chapter
6 Transform from the Inside Out with Daily Ritual Practices
Chapter
7 Be Prosperous
Section
Three: Living Your Playfulness
Chapter
8 Life Adventures and Creative Splurges
Chapter
9 Move Your Body!
Chapter
10 Life Deserves a Celebration
Conclusion
Coaching
Resources
Testimonials
About
the Author, Suzan Tusson, CPCC
I am forever grateful to the people who assisted me like mid-wives to birth this book. I first thank my dearest friend and life partner, Jim McNeil for his love, encouragement, candid feedback, and belief in me. Donna Pinto and Karen O’Connor, I thank you fellow authors for your tremendous support. Andrea Glass, I am grateful for your meticulous editing of my book and for your patience. Marianna Pinto and Tina Mertel, I appreciate your friendship, and most of all, for urging me to continue. Laura Rubinstein, thank you for your generous support, friendship, and business advisement. Adriana Toro and Bahman Djalali, I am so grateful for your gifts as healers. For my mentors, Katy Guard, Sandra Schrift, Dr. Carolle Jean-Murat, Sheryl Roush, and DeAnna LoCoco, I am indebted to you for the wisdom you have shared. To my sister, Adele and brother, John, thanks for cheering for me on the sidelines. To my niece, Jessica and nephew, Connor, in spite of the miles between us, you are both in my heart. Jessica, I appreciate your helping me name this book. To my cousin, Rick I thank you for our belly laughs over the years which have kept me grinning. Sophia Benenson, in your memory, thank you “wherever you are” for teaching me unconditional love which helped me to write this book. To the many outstanding groups I have facilitated programs with, and the coaching clients I have had the privilege to work with, THANK YOU. I am so grateful for all I learned from you and for the opportunities to help you to discover your authentic selves and experience more joy.
I was born on the outskirts of New Orleans, Louisiana in an area called Belle Chasse, the eldest daughter of John Tusson III from Gretna, Louisiana and Patricia Price from Pass Christian, Mississippi. My sister, Adele and brother, John followed eight and eleven years later respectively. I remember playing Mom to them, never quite certain of how to be a sister. This began my strong desire to nurture others.
In third grade I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. My mother could not handle both a newborn and me so she had my grandmother pick me up at school. She then took me to her home, and my dad came by to get me in the evening. He would often find me doing my homework with Aunt Birdie Mae.
She had polio and could not walk without crutches so she lived with her parents. My grandparents did not send her to school because they never thought she needed an education. I did not see a disabled woman; instead I saw a woman with a beautiful smile and an eager mind. I brought my school books over and any supplies I could gather for our lessons and became her teacher.
At first Birdie Mae threw my schoolbooks back at me. She would open up her magazines and stare into them. “Birdie Mae, would you like to read your magazines rather than just look at the pictures?” I would ask.
After some time she knew how to read and do basic mathematics. She eventually landed a job making her own spending money and shared, “Suzan, thank you for opening up a whole new world for me.”
This is when I knew my destiny. I would empower other women to go beyond what they ever thought possible to claim their joy.
In my teens my father developed bi-polar disease which went undiagnosed for many years. He had been my best friend, the man who I cuddled with while we painted together in the “tree house,” his office built on stilts around a tree surrounded by Plexiglas. He had also brought me and our family to national parks across the country where he taught us about respecting the earth. Due to him I became an avid hiker and nature lover.
Like bright daylight becoming the darkest night, he changed to a raging, red-faced screamer with a belt in his hand ready to strike at a moment’s notice. If we talked at the dinner table, he would toss it against the wall. Changing the television channel from his program would evoke a fierce whipping. Once when I missed the school bus, he forced me to stay home and wash windows, scrub floors, and do other duties instead of going to school. He walked around like a foreman on a construction project, and any time I took a break, he would yell and rip the belt into my skin. Sometimes he included other family members in his altercations, though they were more often directed at me.
For so many years I did not know how to listen to my body and eventually developed an eating disorder, as it seemed to be the only thing I had control over in my life. I later was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and was also told that due to living with someone who had bi-polar disorder, my life mimicked the ups and downs of this mental illness. For so long I had no idea what I felt or what I wanted as I lived my life consumed by the fear of my father’s footsteps. This continued even when I no longer shared a home with him.
I began emotional recovery work in my mid-to-late 20s which included talk therapy, Codependents’ Anonymous meetings on a weekly basis for a few years, and later, bioenergetics, art therapy, imago relationship therapy with my husband Jim, and numerous personal development programs. I now rely on weekly meditation group meetings, monthly sessions with my energy healer, monthly meetings with our imago therapist, and bi-monthly meetings with my life and business coach to keep me on a healthy track.
Although healing is a lifelong journey, it seems much easier now. Along the way I made a vow to support other women. My passion is encouraging women to fully express who they are and to become advocates for their well-being in their personal lives and in their significant relationships.
After working in the service-driven hotel and non-profit industries for many years, I started my own coaching business so I could fulfill the vow to women I had made earlier in my life. I attained my certification through Coaches Training Institute, an internationally accredited program in the behavioral sciences. For more than 10 years I have been an empowering guide for women in both individual and group well-being coaching programs. I also facilitate women’s well-being playshops and am an interactive speaker on a large range of well-being topics to reach as many women as I can. The majority of women I assist are in transition and over 40. Through our work together they become clear, motivated, and move powerfully through their transitions (life purpose, health, relationships, and career). Ultimately they create astounding results for their lives as they discover their true essence and learn to accept themselves.
I wish you a “PEACE FULL” journey as you explore healthy practices to incorporate into your life. May your pathway lead you to the passionate, purposeful, and playful wise woman within your heart.
After coaching hundreds of women over 40, a theme emerged. No matter how stylishly we dressed, or how much we exercised or followed a healthy diet, or even if we had the most impressive business titles, at the core we felt “not good enough.”
What had us feeling this way? Was it the continual bombardment of advertisements with overly sexy, attractive women to whom we compared ourselves? Did it begin in childhood when nothing we did seemed to satisfy our parents and/or our teachers or coaches?
Our feelings of lack create an endless quest for something “out there.” We want something to satisfy the emptiness we feel inside, to quench the thirst of our inner-desert landscape so much so that we falsely believe “it” exists outside of ourselves. We believe when we attain “it,” all will be well with our world. Is it money, the “ideal” relationship, the “perfect” career, or the right home? What is it for you?
When we are desperately searching, we are no longer present to ourselves or to one another. For our wisdom lies within us, and personal transformation is an “inside” job. We must turn inward to know who we truly are. The only way to be at peace with ourselves is to continually take the time to “go within” to connect with our inner wise woman. We must be willing to release the frantic search for what we believe is missing and realize we are already whole. This does not mean we are perfect or ever will be. It is about letting go of all of the stories we have made up about ourselves which are not true. We allow ourselves to be okay exactly as we are, “warts and all.”
I wrote this book because I have struggled with issues of feeling “less than” and “not good enough.” I came from a family where we were not allowed to talk at the dinner table, and my only friends as a young girl were my pretend friends. Avoiding the wrath and violent altercations of my parents became my primary occupation, and I clearly did not learn how to express myself or understand I had any worth. After spending many years in recovery, the tools which helped me the most to get in touch with my authentic nature were journaling and meditation which I include in this book. Learning to be quiet and listen intently to my inner voice helped me tune in to who I truly am and what I really want for my life. Although there are still remnants from my past of “I’m not good enough” which I encounter at times, I am very well aware of them and know how to care for myself to deflect them.
The wisdom of “going within” is at the core of the practices in this book––learning to be still and to trust your “small voice” inside. We must be quiet enough to hear it over the volume of our thoughts. When we allow silence, we deliberately open our "third eye.” Wikipedia defines the Eastern concept of the “third eye” as something that exists on the forehead between our brows and serves as the gate to our higher consciousness. Once it is open we can connect fully with our wisdom and thereby make the best choices for our lives.
Through this book I share my self-care healing journey which helped me to love and embrace myself as I am. I have also used many of the tools and recommendations I write about to empower hundreds of women to reconnect with their passion, purpose, and playfulness as they recognize the wholeness and beauty of their being. The practical suggestions and resources can assist you to deepen your relationships, especially your most significant one––the one with yourself.
Each chapter has many recommendations. Choose the ones which resonate with you. You are under no obligation to try anything if it does not feel right. As you’re reading it is important to notice what captures your attention. By no means are you expected to practice all of the suggestions in the book. Some ideas may not interest you or be within your budget. Only you know what is right for you. If inside you feel a young girl jumping up and down shouting “yippee,” this is where you begin.
After each chapter you will find a section entitled, “Checking in with Your Inner Wise Woman.” I would recommend using these coaching questions as inquiries. Be as curious as a small girl when she looks into a mirror for the first time. Revisit the questions to gain deeper access to your natural wisdom. It is like eating an artichoke––each layer takes you closer to your heart.
Section One: Living Your Passion
You will learn how to put yourself first so you can access your passion. When you pay more attention to your own needs, you will feel a deeper sense of inner peace and self-acceptance. So many women place everyone and everything else before themselves and wonder why they feel weary, down, and maybe even, angry. It is vital to learn how to take exceptional care of ourselves first. Then we have the necessary energy and the motivation to attend to the myriad of responsibilities many of us women share.
This section engages your travel dreams and encourages you to make them a reality. You learn how to strengthen your relationships even during the holidays. Overall, you will discover how to take charge of your own happiness and make it a priority.
Section Two: Living Your Purpose
Here you have an opportunity to create ritual practices which allow you to carve out “me” time every day for yourself to unravel the real you. Once you gain clarity on what it is you truly desire, you will acquire tools to help you manifest your intentions. Pacing yourself for the journey is an important lesson you can acquire. Baby steps are encouraged because the size of your steps does not matter.
As long as you are going in the right direction, you will end up where you want to be. Gaining clarity on who you are and where you’re going will lead you to more peace and self-acceptance. You will also gain practical wisdom on how to acquire and maintain your wealth so you can live on purpose as well as have more to share with others.
Section Three: Living Your Playfulness
You are encouraged to make time every day for play by exploring what would be fun for you. This is where you can tap into a deep sense of joy and love both for yourself and others. A new mindset around creativity is encouraged. We are all creative and we can bring this energy to everything we do: to cooking a meal, to planting in the garden, to planning a birthday party, and even to our projects at work. You will have a chance to explore and experience your creative self. Moving your body becomes a chance to feel free and playful, and simple pleasures takes on a whole new meaning.
Thank you for your interest in my book. If you would like to share any insights or comments as you read it, I would love to hear from you. Please feel free to write me at suzan@suzantusson.com.
Chapter 1
You Are Your First Priority
Do you ever feel as if you are a spinning gyroscope spiraling out of control? How do you slow down? “Hurry” seems to be the culprit of time. As women we often face a collage of activities with each one overlapping until there is little or no white space left. With exploding to-do lists and imploding time to do them in, who winds up at the bottom of your priority list?
What if you could try on a new perspective? Imagine for a moment that you are the solid rotor in the middle of the gyroscope. You are the center point—the place which remains still even though the other silver strands swirl in multiple directions. Chaos and confusion may surround you, yet you remain unaffected.
You are the rotor in the middle who dares to be at peace in a world which does not encourage this. You create space in your life for joy and harmony to co-exist with life’s volatility. Through placing yourself at the top of your list, you become the role model for others to do the same. Your legacy is world serenity. We heal our world one enlightened person at a time.
Many years ago when working at a non-profit organization I felt like a gyroscope in perpetual motion as if a small child hovered over me swirling my outer frames back and forth never tiring of the game. The executive director knocked at my office and asked me to meet her and a board executive in the meeting room. Oh, it is about my promotion, I thought. My team and I had successfully completed a one-year project which took them to a new level.
“Suzan, we have run out of funding for your position,” the executive director shared. “We did not receive the grants to extend the project. We are very disappointed, yet we must ask you to leave effective today.”
I later leaned against the closed door on the floor of my office with tears bearing down observing all of the boxes around me. I felt as if my life had begun to spin out of control.
I stared for a long while at the heart-shaped mural on the wall in front of me which I had created. In front of me were smiling faces of children of all ages and ethnic backgrounds, treasured photographs from the numerous school programs I had lovingly directed over the last two years. It had taken me almost forty years to find such meaningful work and only two years for it to be ripped from me like an umbilical cord from a baby. I felt so alone.
I phoned my husband, Jim to share the news and found out he had just been asked to go to Oahu, Hawaii to attend a conference the next week. After we hung up, he contacted his travel department to see if they could help find an extra ticket. The travel team finagled a ticket for me allowing me to spend my first week of unemployment on the beaches of Hawaii.
Through prayer and deep reflection I made a conscious decision to become the solid, silver anchor in the middle of the gyroscope by hiring a life coach to guide me through my transition. I paid close attention to what I needed in every moment and opened my heart to “possibility.” Without grounding I feared I would spiral out of control.
My life coach skillfully helped me create my own business within ten months. I could not have accomplished this had she not also encouraged me to make myself my first priority. By taking exceptional care of myself, I then had ample energy to care for others. This dedication sustained me as I became a “one-woman, new business owner, juggling show.”
My daily life practices became a transformational ritual for me. I call it my Daily 7 which includes prayer, meditation, reading positive literature, selecting an angel card to guide me for the day, seven yoga poses (I randomly pull the cards from my Yoga Deck), jotting down what I’m grateful for, and finally, “writing three pages” in my journal (a practice I learned from Julia Cameron’s, The Artist’s Way). While journaling I first answer some key questions which help me note what I learned the day before.
My intention is to devote one precious hour each morning to my Daily 7. I am sure many women would agree that an hour alone can seem like a lifetime. Home and career challenges often compete for our attention. There are many days in which my rituals become 15 minutes or 30 instead. I have found the time involved is not what matters most as it is more about honoring my commitment to daily quiet, reflective space. Each day is more fulfilling and productive simply by my taking the time to feed my soul first.
Checking
IN with Your Inner Wise Woman:
What would your life look life if
you became your first priority?
Section One: Living Your Passion
Chapter 2
Indulge Your Body, Mind, and Soul
Pamper Yourself From Head to Toe
Sweet
Indulgence
Erase any Stress or Tension From Your Face
As women we have a tendency to put everyone and everything else as a priority before our own lives. To live our passion, it is essential we adapt a new mindset. As we make our health and well-being our first priority, we will connect with our joy and also have ample energy to attend to everyone and everything else.
Below are suggestions on how to pamper ourselves so we can learn to relax and enjoy life more:
• Schedule a facial at a day spa to cleanse your skin and mind of any impurities.
• Give yourself a facial as part of your bath ritual or before you go to bed to renew and soften your skin.
• Allow any tense facial muscles (especially around the jaw) to dissolve into the air with the steam.
• Breathe in the aromatic air and scintillate your senses.
• Relax into the firm hands of your aesthetician as she/he massages your face and neck. Meld with the lotions and oils as you allow the tension to evaporate.
• Imagine your stress is a color. Observe it as it flows up and out of the room.
• Envision the facial peeling back more layers of the mask(s) you sometimes share with the world. You are now closer to your authentic self.
Make Your Bath a Sanctuary for Your Soul
Luxuriate in your bath and make it a private sanctuary for your soul. Treat yourself to this ritual a few times a week (or at least once a week). Place the Do Not Disturb sign on your door and set all phone ringers to “off.” Indulge in this rejuvenating experience.
Ideas for Your Bath:
• Light candles and dim the lights.
• Use bath oils, salts, and/or bubble bath. Have many aromas to choose from.
• Listen to calming music.
• Enjoy the silence.
• Buy yourself a bath pillow and relax into it. Buy two and use one as a foot pillow.
• Sip a glass of wine (if you care to imbibe). Have a fruit smoothie if you want something non-alcoholic and refreshing. You could also have a cup of hot tea.
• Read your favorite magazine or book. You can purchase a floating book stand at Aqua Reader http://www.aquareader.net.
• Use a loofah sponge and give yourself an invigorating foot scrub.
• Apply a mud facial while you relax.
• Invite your significant other to join you. Massage one another’s feet and/or shoulders. Wash each other’s hair with a generous scalp massage. Gaze into each other’s eyes and soak up one another’s presence.
Honor Your Hands and Feet with a Regular Treat
• Give yourself full permission to enjoy a manicure and pedicure, two affordable luxuries many establishments offer for $30 or less.
• Try the “Spa Chair,” an oversized massage chair with a remote which massages your back, neck, and shoulders while the steamy waters encapsulate your feet in the tub below. Then later have your feet and legs massaged with a gentle, rhythmic motion by the pedicurist.
• Play with colors for your nails. Find the ones which sizzle to the touch.
• Dare to paint your toes Hot Mama Red or even have something fun painted on them—a flower, a star, or a butterfly. What is YOUR choice?
Going Au Natural
I treat myself to a manicure once a week. A while ago I released the one thing fake about me (aside from my hair color)—acrylic nails. With the faux nails I visited the manicurist less often (every two to three weeks); though I did not care for all the power tools used to apply, sculpt, and beautify them. The miniature drills interrupted my peace in the afternoon. Also I did not like the food, paint, and other items which became trapped in the long nails. I resented the one nail which chose to break off at will—every other week.
Now my nails are au natural and liberated. I treat my toes to shades of red every month and at times have butterflies painted on my two big toes. When I am walking barefoot on the beach or around the house I am reminded to show my colors, spread my wings, and fly!
Allow your hands and feet a TREAT. Soothe them and give them rest. They work hard for you! One of my mentors, DeAnna LoCoco, taught me that our feet are our “Under-Standing.” Pamper them.
Engage in the Healing Art of Massage
Schedule a massage on a regular basis either monthly, bi-monthly, or splurge for a weekly ritual of nourishment. What a way to release the tautness of your muscles and your mind. How gracious, loving, and kind to take care of yourself in this way.
Several massage schools offer greatly reduced rates for students to acquire hours toward their licenses. Prices are often half of what fully licensed, experienced masseurs and masseuses charge.
Exchange massages regularly with your significant other or a close friend.
Go to a massage class with your significant other or close friend to learn techniques or rent/watch instructional videos.
Buy an inexpensive massage table for your home and create a massage room or area for you and your partner or friend to indulge in regular exchanges of this life enhancing ritual.
If you choose to design your own home massage sanctuary, I recommend the following:
Find a quiet area both in sound and in contents. Select a place which allows you complete relaxation.
Purchase an array of scintillating massage oils, aromatherapies and candles for your renewal time.
Have a CD player for your calming stress relief replete with ocean sounds, classical music, nature sounds, or the lull of background piano—whatever brings you inside to rest.
When having your massage allow yourself to be fully present for the experience. In silence pay attention to the poignant messages your body has to share. Where do you feel discomfort? What feels good? What do you notice?
Place a pillow under your knees for support, use a blanket for warmth and fitted sheets in flannel or cotton depending on the season.
Avoid the temptation to chat with the massage therapist, or whomever is providing your massage, as this only takes you away from yourself.
Permit the massage to draw you into your inner sanctuary and bring you closer to yourself. Surrender fully to your regeneration.
Pause for your own pure refreshment and revitalization. Give your mind a rest. Your body will love you for it.
Indulge with Full Body Care
I schedule a massage every two weeks with a holistic health care professional who works out of his home. Because I pay in advance for four massages at a time, he offers a generous discount. He uses hot stones to loosen the tight areas, particularly in my neck and shoulders. He also does Thai Yoga Therapy to help me stretch areas which I have difficulty doing on my own. I am reminded I am not Atlas so I release my grip on the world and meld into this natural escape for my body, mind, and soul.
Years ago I had regular massages at a wellness center which offers massages from experienced professionals for reduced rates. With an average of $70 per hour for massages in my area, I paid considerably less at $45 per hour (this is still the going rate). Most large cities have comparable places such as massage schools with lower prices.
Jim and I offer each other massages every Valentine’s Day and for our birthdays. We also indulged by investing in a massage chair http://www.omegamassage.com. We enjoy every minute in it as do our friends. The only challenge with our massage chair has been learning to share.
Checking
IN with Your Inner Wise Woman:
How will you indulge yourself? What
speaks to your soul?
Basic life requirements like eating and sleeping are critical to our well-being. What we put into our bodies and minds affects our energy and overall health. Sleeping well is often contingent on our going to bed with “quiet” minds. Below are recommendations and personal anecdotes on how you can take exceptional care of the house of your soul, your precious body.
Healthy Eating – A Diet Makeover
Nurturing Your Nutrition
• For uncensored, pertinent information about matters that affect your health and well-being, please visit http://healthimpactnews.com.