A Lover's Constraint
A Stage Play in One Act
Steven Ayckbourn
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Copyright © 2011 Steven Ayckbourn
Smashwords Edition
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The author is aware that plays are not written to be read but performed. So should you subsequently decide to conduct a read-through of the play, additional copies of the script for each of the play's characters can be downloaded. Please note that any performance, either professional or amateur, is strictly forbidden without the prior permission of the author and copyright owner. Visit the author's Web site for further information on obtaining performance rights. Thank you for respecting the author's work.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.
Author's Web site: www.stevenayckbourn.com
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A
LOVER'S CONSTRAINT
A Stage Play in One Act
By Steven Ayckbourn
Characters
CONNIE
1*
CONNIE 2*
GARY
* Playing aspects of the same character
The bedroom of a hotel by the sea.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
O that infected moisture of his eye,
O that false fire which in
his cheek so glow'd,
O that forc'd thunder from his heart did
fly,
O that sad breath his spongy lungs bestow'd,
O all that
borrowed motion seemingly ow'd,
Would yet again betray the
fore-betray'd,
And new pervert a reconciled maid!
From
A Lover's Complaint
(Attributed to W. Shakespeare)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"A Lover's Constraint" received its British premiere in conjunction with "In Your Dreams" (also by Steven Ayckbourn) under the umbrella title "Double Suite" at The Beverley War Memorial Hall, Beverley, East Yorkshire on 20th November 2009. Directed by the author, the cast was as follows:
CONNIE
1 - Karen Tite
CONNIE 2 - Ciara McClelland
GARY - Matt Cox
Author's
Note:
A double solidus // inserted within the dialogue represents
a pronounced pause and/or change in a character's thought process. I
have included them solely as sight reading aids. Just as stage
directions are for guideline purposes only.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
SCENE
Connie 1 is looking out of the window and is dressed in a Japanese robe. Connie 2 is on the bed reading a substantial book and is dressed in a nightie.
CONNIE
1
I think it's the sea. It's hard to tell with it being so
overcast. "Sea and castle views" - that's how they
described the room. I would say glimpse - as opposed panorama. // I
discovered the castle in the loo. I was sitting there wondering
whether Sebastian would come - when I found myself looking up at the
skylight. I could just make out the castle walls - the part which had
been renovated using red brick. Then I didn't come here for the
views.
CONNIE
2
Oh God, Connie. What are you doing here? He's not going to turn
up. Not here.
CONNIE
1
We've arranged to meet. He's late - not unusual these days. When
I say arranged, I made the suggestion. Well, it was more than a
suggestion. A demand. "Sebastian. We need to discuss where we're
going - where we're intending on going - as a couple - as lovers - as
part of each other's lives." He looked at me as if to say,
"Don't be so stupid, woman - we're not going anywhere." But
I needed to test the water. Was it still flowing - or were we just
stagnating? // I figured a room - in a quiet, out the way spot -
would be ideal. Away from distractions - of work - and city. We could
talk - clear our minds. Now I'm not so sure. Perhaps he doesn't want
to go this far.
CONNIE
2
It's only two hours - not even that, if you drive like
Sebastian.
CONNIE
1
So he's late.
CONNIE
2
An hour late.
CONNIE
1
Supposing he drove straight from the office - which he would
have done six months ago. I could look at the clock - know he'd be
finishing work. Ten minutes later he'd be here - my place that is. I
was lucky - my flat mate was working the late shift. Sebastian would
roll up. Have his shower. Then we'd... relax. Afterwards, we'd both
get in the shower - then finally go out. For the whole night.
CONNIE
2
I could have had half a dozen showers by now.
CONNIE
1
It's not as if he doesn't enjoy driving. He was always offering
to drive me places - places I never knew existed. Now all he does is
drive me up the... wall.
CONNIE
2
(Closing the book) But don't go there, Connie.
CONNIE
1
Mind you, the shower in there isn't the kind that makes you want
more than one. It's one of those tap thingy devices. You have to hold
it with one hand while you wash with the other. Too high and all you
get is a dribble - too low and it's a gush of alternating hot and
cold - never at the same time. I managed okay - but then I don't mind
squatting. But I doubt Sebastian would assume such an undignified
position - plus he's over six foot. I should have booked something
more up market. But this sounded so cosy - intimate. He can always
borrow my flannel.
CONNIE
2
He's stopped for a coffee and a bite to eat, I'm sure.
CONNIE
1
(Picking up the book) I never travel without a book. You
never know when you'll be stranded. I devour books - like Sebastian
devours food. If I had to confess to a cardinal sin - it would be
bibliolatry. Though when I began seeing Sebastian, my book intake
plummeted. No more fat, meaty tomes in which I could loose myself.
Instead... short stories - with a sprinkling of poetry on the side.
Though I don't recall Sebastian eating less. As you can see, I'm back
to normal.
CONNIE
2
Sebastian doesn't care for books. Manuals are his thing. I don't
count those. Pages of illustrated body parts. Cars - that is.
CONNIE
1
He did buy me one once (Looking for a book in her bag) -
a book, not a manual - for my birthday. Japanese Haiku - very short
poems in a very small book. I love it. I carry it with me. (Wondering
where she has put it) How Sebastian happened to choose it still
remains a mystery. He must have picked it off the counter.
CONNIE
2
Or an attractive sales assistant recommended it. // He doesn't
care for films either. Not the films I like.
CONNIE
1
I love going to films. My films.
CONNIE
2
As for theatre - Sebastian wouldn't be caught dead in one. Then
I've always seen it as more of a woman's thing - which might explain
why most husbands look like they've been dragged there.
CONNIE
1
Philip enjoyed theatre. Loved my films too.
CONNIE
2
Then Philip was an exception. Philip was before Sebastian. //
Sebastian... What do I see in him?
CONNIE
1
They do say "Love works is mysterious ways".
CONNIE
2
They? Who? Men? What's so mysterious about love? Here's a
mystery. How two people - so different - could have met in the first
place.
CONNIE
1
We complement each another.
CONNIE
2
We do?
CONNIE
1
At least he complements me. In bed. Our opposing energies
mingle. Our odours... yes, I get excited by his smell. Perhaps I
should run a bath. He's not going to want to crouch under a dribble.
Supposing there is enough hot water. Maybe it's not too late to book
a proper hotel - with a large bath and high pressure shower.
CONNIE
2
Look at the time, Connie - he's not coming.
CONNIE
1
I'm not even bothering getting dressed. If by some miracle he
should materialise through that door - I'd only have to get undressed
again. This way I can go straight to bed whatever.
CONNIE
2
Not to suggest I let him use me. I might give him that illusion.
It seems to empower Sebastian.
CONNIE
1
Sebastian empowered can be thrilling.
CONNIE
2
I have Jane to thank for that.
CONNIE
1
Jane Austen. // I've even purchased a new nightie.
CONNIE
2
(Showing her nightie) Silk chemise with a lace trim.
CONNIE
1
For me. Sebastian wont notice - with those x-ray eyes of his.
CONNIE
2
I've seen how he looks over other women. (Taking mobile phone
from handbag and switching off)
CONNIE
1
Right! I'm turning off my phone. I'm no longer in the mood to
listen to excuses.
Connie 2 sits on the bed to read the Russian novel
I'm going to read my book. That way I won't have completely wasted my time.
Connie 2 passes Connie 1 the Russian novel. Connie 2 picks up a magazine.
I love reading - especially in bed. In some ways it has more going for it than sex. You know what you're up against. A Thriller or - Biography.
CONNIE
2
In Sebastian's case it would be Autobiography.
CONNIE
1
I bet he fancies himself as Action. Me? I'd like to think
Romantic Fiction - right now Science Fiction - waiting for an alien
to emerge. Oh God! Why this expectation? I feel exhausted already. //
I read an article in a magazine. Penned by an another disillusioned
soul - in a similar boat - in my case - bed. During a rare moment of
clarity, she postulated that...
CONNIE
2
(Reading from magazine) "By encapsulating each of
her past lovers within a single paragraph - one paragraph for each
man - she might discover a common, destructive thread weaving it's
way through each."
CONNIE
1
It made sense. If we had a means to identify those recurring
errors - couldn't we take steps to avoid them - the next time round?
CONNIE
2
Or the time after that.
CONNIE
1
Of course, I'd failed to grasp the main constant running through
all my relationships was Constance.
CONNIE
2
Was I that destructive thread?
CONNIE
1
Still - I thought I'd give it a go. It can't be too difficult
scribbling a few paragraphs. Who knows what truths might surface.
CONNIE
2
The author said she'd found the exercise surprisingly cathartic.
CONNIE
1
God - I could do with a bit of that. (Taking journal)
Here's my journal. I've given it a title
"My Loves in a
Nutshell".
CONNIE
2
(Taking the journal from Connie 1) Sebastian would enter
at paragraph five - after Philip.
CONNIE
1
I'm choosing not to include the fling I had at the Christmas
party three years ago. The one time I was foolish enough to throw
caution to the wind - only to be swept up and rudely deposited in the
back seat of Wally. Wally was my Volkswagen. After that I was forced
to trade him in - which given the bond we'd forged down the years -
was difficult. But I no longer felt at ease driving him - given the
ordeal in his rear seat - and I'm sure he felt betrayed...
CONNIE
2
Oh God, Connie! You're beginning to sound like Sebastian.
(Passing the journal to Connie 1)
Connie 1 crosses to the bed and starts to smooth down the covers and straighten the pillows.
I've watched him - stroking it lovingly before sliding in behind the wheel. Calling it she. When was a car exclusively female? Next moment, he's changing it... excuse me - her - for the latest model. She has some extras, (Drawing attention to her bust) the previous ones didn't have.
CONNIE
1
At least have the decency to tell me what I've done to deserve
this. What have I done, Sebastian? Allowed you into my life.
(Noticing herself in the mirror)
CONNIE
2
Twenty nine. That's how old everyone says I look.
CONNIE
1
Everyone except you know who. He guessed my age without me even
asking.
CONNIE
2
I wasn't bothered. (Taking her brush from her handbag and
brushing her hair)
CONNIE
1
Yet there are few things more discouraging than having your age
correctly guessed by a man - a younger man. I felt exposed - as if
I'd been discovered in the act - of getting old.
CONNIE
2
He's counting on my expertise.
CONNIE
1
I try to reassure myself. Though I soon found out I had little
to teach Sebastian in that department. The other way round - if
anything. // At thirty four I'm not without experience. That's my age
- not past lovers. Five relationships in thirty four years.
CONNIE
2
Not even that. Kicking off at seventeen - with Bernard.
CONNIE
1
Bernard. Not the most exotic of names - especially given the
first love tends to linger the longest.
CONNIE
2
And the thought of Bernard lingering.
CONNIE
1
Before that I'd only kissed.
CONNIE
2
Really?
CONNIE
1
Well... if I did let them have a quick grope - it was always
north of the navel. // I wouldn't call five excessive. When I think
of some of my colleagues.
CONNIE
2
Like shopping - something to do on a Saturday night. If that
wasn't enough, they brag about it at work - over coffee and cake.
CONNIE
1
I certainly don't buy into this multitasking nonsense. Strictly
sequential - that's me.
CONNIE
2
I like to know who and what is on my plate at any one time.
CONNIE
1
The problem is none have offered that je ne sais quoi -
that special... French word - the va va voom which sweeps you
off your feet. Sebastian had it - at the beginning.
CONNIE
2
Le thrill! A free sample - promising so much more.
CONNIE
1
(Pointing to bathroom) Like my loo view.
Connie 2 she stares out of the window.
I shouldn't clump them together. They've each offered something - in their own peculiar way - I was going to say unique way. There's something frighteningly generic about men - at least the ones I meet.
CONNIE
2
(Closing the curtains) Is that why I'm here? To conduct a
critical review of my past? A no holds barred appraisal of my
inadequate relationships to date. Alone. Sans men. Sans Sebastian.
Planning to meet was all a subterfuge.
Connie 1 picks up the magazine and starts flick through it.
When I told Sebastian I'd booked a hotel by the sea, he looked faintly amused. Initially I took this as a good sign - but I should have known better. Especially when he followed it with, "Isn't that where you go when you want to get pregnant?"
CONNIE
1
I chose Friday. It allowed for the unlikely possibly of spending
a weekend with each other. I'm told - spending time together can do
wonders for a flagging relationship. (Tossing aside her magazine)
It also means Sebastian will have to make a choice - between me
and his mates down the pub. Call me naive or what?
CONNIE
2
Supposing he is having bite to eat? Sebastian needs his
nourishment.
CONNIE
1
Just as I need my dreams. (Reaching for her journal) I'm
giving them three pages each. Two for notes - one for that all
encompassing paragraph - the distillation of what had been. (Turning
the pages) The less than vivid Bernard - numero uno. Followed by
frivolous Frank.
CONNIE
2
The pious Patrick.
CONNIE
1
Philip - my movie poet.
CONNIE
2
Soon to be joined by the vanishing Sebastian.
CONNIE
1
(Opening the journal) Here are some notes I made on
Bernard.
CONNIE
2
Bernard... (Taking journal from Connie 1)
CONNIE
1 & 2
The bore.
CONNIE
2
(Reading) I'm seventeen. As for Bernard - I never found
out. He tells me he's in his late twenties. I'm young, but I'm no
fool. I don't question him, because he doesn't like it. Isn't that a
sign of an old person? He also doesn't like to be interrupted while
he's reading. Which he does - a lot - more than me even. His hair is
greying round the edges - it could be premature, But once he let his
beard grow for a week - it was fifty percent silver. The afternoon we
visited my parents, I mustered up the courage to ask him to shave. He
looked younger - but no way in his 20s. Dad never took to Bernard -
beard or no beard. Mum was just happy he was librarian and not in a
band.
CONNIE
1
Bernard in a paragraph. (Recited like a poem) "Our
eyes first met across a deserted room with silence posted on
every wall. He liked to draw doodle figures on scraps of paper which
he would use as bookmarks. He gave me them as gifts instead of
flowers. I lost count of the hours we lay together in his musty bed.
Each reading our books beneath a shroud of silence. We might as well
have been dead! Sometimes, he would read the newspaper - when he
would become animated and noisy. The last I saw of him - he was
peering through a grimy window of a second hand bookshop. His grey,
dappled beard pushing up against the moist glass." I like the
last line. It reminds me of that poem by Gerald Manley Hopkins,
"Glory be to God for dappled things".
CONNIE
2
Not Bernard's beard. Bernard - as exciting as a mossy rock.
CONNIE
1
True - we both loved books. In another age, our ardour for the
printed page might have proved sufficient. But rarely did I sense we
were reading from the same one.
CONNIE
2
I was a virgin - ready and willing to confess I knew nothing of
love's ways. Yet he did little to suggest he knew much more. Which,
given his assumed age, I found odd.
CONNIE
1
For better or worse, what Bernard lacked, Frank had in
abundance.
CONNIE
2
Frank - number two - and needs no introduction. (Taking
Connie 1 by the arm and leading her around)
CONNIE
1
"Two weeks after we met he took me to his sister's wedding.
Introduced me to everyone (Waving) - nobody I knew - only to
announce we too were to be married. All the time - plying me with
Champagne - until I believed it myself. After that we danced...
Connie 2 releases Connie 1, flops on to bed and clasps pillow.
Until I became so queasy I had to sit down. (Flops on to chair) I lost sight of Frank, as he mingled with the crowd (Looking around and rising). When eventually I tracked him down, he was fast asleep behind one of the marquees - lost to the world and clasping an equally drunk, plump, snoring bridesmaid. It was when I was sick over my new shoes. I never heard from Frank again." // Maybe he has broken down - and he's been trying to phone.
CONNIE
2
(Sitting up from bed) Impossible! Sebastian's cars never
break down. Just as he's never had an accident.
CONNIE
1
He can phone the hotel. I gave him the number - the address -
the time I would be checking in...
CONNIE
2
Connie! Let's stop pretending, shall we? He's in the pub - with
his mates.
CONNIE
1
When Patrick entered my life, my faith in men - mankind - was at
an all time low. If I thought by having a relationship with someone
of strong religious convictions would change this - well... Patrick.
(Exit to bathroom)
CONNIE
2
(In the style of a priest) "Destined for the
Priesthood, Patrick re-instilled within me a new found faith. Though
in what I'm still not sure. Partly as a result of guiding me around
most of England's cathedrals - plus a couple in France. Patrick had
the oratory prowess to transport the enthralled listener through the
ages. At times he had me believe I was a medieval nun stooping in
penance.
Connie 1 enters from bathroom wearing wimple.
Next moment - a woman of high standing - though not particularly noble.
Connie 1 offers Connie 2 an imaginary glass of wine then sits on chair.
(Sitting on bed) After we would sit in silence sipping on his favourite cheap, sweet Spanish wine.
Connie 1 and 2 raise glasses to toast each other.
CONNIE
1
Patrick's was a make believe world and for a while I was happy
to share it.
CONNIE
2
(Holding a pillow like a baby) Until a girl calling
herself Rosy and carrying his love child - turned up on our
doorstep."
CONNIE
1
Finally to Philip. (Looking in mirror) Philip discovered
me sobbing in front of a mirror. Nothing strange in that. I'm prone
to the periodic sob. Only on this occasion it happened to be in the
ladies loo of the local cinema. He'd followed me in there with an
overwhelming urge to help. That's what he said at the time. I didn't
question him. He'd noticed my distress - that was sufficient. It all
clicked into place later - when he told me he worked for the
Samaritan's hotline on weekends. There were still questions. Had I
been feeling suicidal? If so - how close had I been? In the loo I'd
attempted a lie - I told Philip the film had struck a resonant chord.
How many times he'd heard that one? Still - he insisted on inviting
me back to his flat for tea and scones - his mother's special recipe.
I'm not sure what made them special. Comforting perhaps. Like Philip.
It's why I likened him to the opening lines of an uplifting poem.
CONNIE
2
But like a poem, a relationship must move on. While movies and
scones had now become a weekly ritual, I sensed something was
lacking.
CONNIE
1
How did it end?
CONNIE
2
I have a recurring image of us leaving the cinema after a
matinee performance. I'm stepping into the bright sunshine. Only to
discover that Philip is no longer next to me.
CONNIE
1
But was he ever there at all? Had I gone alone on that
particular afternoon?
CONNIE
2
Nor did I find out the secret behind his mother's special scone
recipe. I suspect it was to put on weight. Philip was skinny.
CONNIE
1
I've never been skinny.
CONNIE
2
Trim.
CONNIE
1
So I headed for the gym.
Connie 1 and Connie 2 walk on treadmills.
My mission - to lose excess baggage.
CONNIE
2
(Stopping) Or so I thought.
CONNIE
1
In the process, I gained some more. In the form of Sebastian.
CONNIE
2
The day I enrolled, there he was - fit, muscular and rather
sweaty.
CONNIE
1
He didn't see me. (Turn to look at herself in Connie 2) I
had to shed a few pounds first.
CONNIE
2
But when he did.
CONNIE
1
There was no looking back. (Picking up the haiku book and
flicking through it) The book he brought me for my birthday. By
accident.
CONNIE
2
I bet he thought it was a type of Japanese cuisine. "Yes,
sir, one stir fried Haiku and noodles coming straight up."
CONNIE
1
Accident or not, I'm glad to have it. (Opening the book and
reading a random selection) "The bee emerging // from deep
within the peony // departs reluctantly"
Connie 2 crosses behind Connie 1.
"Cold as it was // we felt secure sleeping together // in the same room"
CONNIE
2
(Taking the book) "Now I see her face // the old
woman, abandoned // the moon her only companion."
CONNIE
1
I'll cast you in Haiku Sebastian.
CONNIE
2
Sebastian - in five - seven - five.
CONNIE
1
Sebastian in three fleeting thoughts - connected.
CONNIE
2
Yet disconnected.
CONNIE
1
Like you.
CONNIE
2
Like us.
CONNIE
1
First - clear the mind. (Breathing) You're on your own,
girl.
CONNIE
2
You've been here before.
CONNIE
1
Only this time.
CONNIE
2
In a hotel room.
CONNIE
1
Yes - In a hotel room.
CONNIE
2
Wait. How many is that?
CONNIE
1
"In - a - ho - tel - room"
CONNIE
2
Five.
CONNIE
1
"In a hotel room... I wait."
CONNIE
2
"She waits."
CONNIE
1
"Patiently waits."
CONNIE
2
"Waits impatiently."
CONNIE
1
"In a hotel room..."
FX: Knock on door.
CONNIE
1
It can't be.
CONNIE
2
Can it?
CONNIE
1
Good God!
CONNIE
2
Look at me.
Connie 1 and 2 check themselves.
FX: More knocking
CONNIE
1 & 2
I'm coming.
CONNIE
1
That will have to do. Now Connie! Compose yourself. (Taking
her perfume and spraying the room)
Connie 2 runs through the perfume and opens the door, then sits on the bed. (During the following Connie 1 reacts directly to Gary. Connie 2 provides the odd comment not audible to Gary.)
(Turning to the open door) Sebas...tian.
GARY
(Entering
at the door and carrying a box of tools) Hi.
CONNIE
1
Sorry! I was...
GARY
Expecting
Sebastian? I didn't mean to disappoint you.
CONNIE
1
No…
GARY
I'm
Gary - Gary Scott.
CONNIE
1
Connie.
GARY
I
tried getting here as quickly as possible.
CONNIE
1
You did?
GARY
Mrs
Brennan.
CONNIE
1
Mrs Brennan?
GARY
She
owns the hotel.
CONNIE
1
Of course... Mrs Brennan.
GARY
May
I?
CONNIE
1
Yes - if you want.
GARY
(Taking
out tools from box) Frank usually deals with emergencies.
CONNIE
1 & 2
Emergency?
Connie 2 rises from bed.
GARY
I
tide things over while he's away.
CONNIE
1
Frank?
GARY
(Looking
at Connie 1) Thing is - something always seems to come up.
CONNIE
1
What exactly are we talking about?
GARY
Sorry
- I am being rather vague. Plumbing.
CONNIE
2
Plumbing?
CONNIE
1
As in... Pipes?
GARY
(Taking
more tools from box) I'm hoping it's only a tap.
CONNIE
1
Did someone call?
GARY
Kate...
Sorry - Mrs Brennan. (Looking at Connie 1) After you called
her?
CONNIE
1
I did?
GARY
Sebastian
perhaps.
CONNIE
2
Sebastian called?
CONNIE
1
When?
CONNIE
2
Is that what Kate said?
CONNIE
1
Mrs Brennan?
GARY
I'm
not sure... It doesn't really matter.
CONNIE
2
(Over shoulder or Connie 1) Not to you.
GARY
Perhaps
after I've taken a look. (Continues to look at Connie 1)
CONNIE
1
Gary… What exactly are you intending on doing?
GARY
I'm
not sure yet. (Cross to bathroom door) Once I've inspected it
- I'll have a better idea. // By the way, it suits you. The robe.
CONNIE
1
Oh. Thanks.
GARY
Japanese.
CONNIE
1
Yes...
Gary exits. Connie is momentarily lost as to what to do.
FX: Tapping of pipes from bathroom.
Connie 1 glances into the bathroom then checks her robe in the mirror.
GARY
(Off)
Any idea where it's leaking?
CONNIE
2
Leaking... The tap?
(During the following Connie 2 reacts directly to Gary. Connie 1 provides the odd comment not audible to Gary.)
GARY
(Off)
I don't think it is.
CONNIE
2
There's been a mistake.
CONNIE
1
It's not leaking.
GARY
(Off)
Maybe you're right. (Entering with suit tied round waist) It's
a pipe.
CONNIE
2
No - you don't understand.
GARY
These
things aren't always obvious. But I'll find it. Kate has a tendency
to panic.
CONNIE
2
About taps?
GARY
What
she considers an emergency.
CONNIE
1
This isn't.
GARY
But
you don't want to be waking up in the middle of the night in a metre
of water. Okay - you were taking a bath?
CONNIE
1
Bath?
CONNIE
2
Shower.
GARY
A
shower?
CONNIE
2
Is that bad?
GARY
It's
your choice. Kate told me it was a bath.
CONNIE
1
Which it is - in one sense.
CONNIE
2
It's one of those hose thingies.
GARY
They
can be tricky - I've known guests flood out the place with those -
I'm sure you're very careful.
CONNIE
2
Look - there's definitely been a mistake. I didn't call Kate.
I'm quite sure Sebastian didn't.
CONNIE
1
If he did - it wasn't to do with leaks - (sotto) in our
relationship perhaps.
CONNIE
2
When did you get the message?
GARY
It
must have been... Twenty minutes ago - I was having dinner.
CONNIE
1
Dinner?
CONNIE
2
I didn't mean to interrupt.
GARY
You
didn't. // Perhaps you wouldn't mind if I call?
CONNIE
1
Who - your girlfriend?
CONNIE
2
Kate?
CONNIE
1
Wife?
GARY
May
I?
CONNIE
2
What?
GARY
Use
your phone?
CONNIE
2
Please...
GARY
(Crosses
to phone and dials) Kate... Gary - I'm in room nine.
CONNIE
1
nine?
GARY
There
doesn't seem to be a problem.
CONNIE
1
six.
GARY
No
leaking... Nothing.
CONNIE
2
(Getting Gary's attention) Six.
GARY
Hang
on. (Covering the receiver)
CONNIE
2
I'm room six…
GARY
Six.
CONNIE
1
Not nine.
GARY
That
probably explains... (On the phone) Kate... It's okay, I think
she's discovered the problem... The guest ... He - right... (Hanging
up) Whoops!
CONNIE
2
He?
GARY
The
occupant in room nine is a man - apparently. (Packing up his
tools)
(During the following Connie 1 reacts directly to Gary. Connie 2 provides the odd comment not audible to Gary.)
CONNIE
1
Man? This is all getting very confusing.
GARY
I'm
really sorry...
CONNIE
1
I'm sure I haven't been the most co-operative guest.
Connie 2 relaxes on the bed.
So what is it you do?
GARY
When
I'm not pretending to play handy man. Teach.
CONNIE
1
Japanese?
GARY
(Facing
Connie 1) Marine Biology - though I was based in Kyoto for
awhile.
CONNIE
2
It's all slotting into place - unlike the plumbing.
GARY
Well…
I hope you don't have to wait much longer.
CONNIE
1
Actually - I'd given up. I was on the verge of going to bed.
CONNIE
2
When the phantom plumber appeared.
CONNIE
1
I like to read.
GARY
Basho?
CONNIE
1
Sorry?
GARY
I
couldn't help noticing your book. (Pointing toward the bed)
Connie 2 holds up the small book of haiku.
CONNIE
1
Oh - right. Basho.
GARY
Have
you read Yosa Buson?
CONNIE
2
Yosa Buson.
CONNIE
1
I don't believe so.
GARY
He's
mainly known for his painting, but his Haiku is well worth it.
CONNIE
1
I'll have to look into... Yosa?
GARY
Buson.
"A lightning flash // the sound of water drops // falling through bamboo"
Well... I'd better attend to number nine - if he's not already underwater.
CONNIE
1
I haven't heard any cries.
GARY
No.
CONNIE
2
Maybe he's drowned. (Rising from bed and crossing to door)
CONNIE
1
Thanks for dropping by.
GARY
Everything
appears to be working - that's what matters. As they say - "If
it ain't broke - don't..."
CONNIE
2
Meddle?
Gary turns to face Connie 2.
(During the following Connie 1 & 2 react directly to Gary who treats them as one entity - so reacts to both simultaneously)
(Slowly walking forward) What if it did break?
CONNIE
1
Would I need to take a cold shower?
GARY
I
thought you said you'd taken one.
CONNIE
2
Suppose I wanted another.
CONNIE
1
Or a bath.
GARY
I'd
suggest... Request you wait until Frank returns.
CONNIE
2
Frank.
CONNIE
1
Who is this Frank?
GARY
Frank
Brennan - he's married to my sister.
CONNIE
1
Sister... (Twigging) Kate?
CONNIE
2
You're right - it's too early for bed. It's Friday night, after
all.
CONNIE
1
Maybe you could you recommend somewhere. Bar.
CONNIE
2
Pub.
CONNIE
1
I don't mind. As long as I can hear myself talk.
CONNIE
2
Not that I make a habit of talking to myself.
Gary begins to make exit.
CONNIE
1
Just no loud music.
GARY
Well...
CONNIE
1
You can always think about it.
CONNIE
2
While you're at number nine.
GARY
Yes...
I'll give it some thought. (Exit)
CONNIE
1
Oh God! Connie - what in heaven's name are you doing?
CONNIE
2
You know exactly what you're doing. Well, it serves you right.
CONNIE
1
Do you hear that, Sebastian? It serves you bloody well right! //
A Marine Biologist.
CONNIE
2
Who speaks Japanese.
CONNIE
1
Enjoys Haiku.
CONNIE
2
Knows what it is.
CONNIE
1
In an emergency can fix the plumbing. I'm not sure about the
name Gary.
CONNIE
2
Better than Bernard.
CONNIE
1
God, yes. // I'm told sea air can make you light headed.
CONNIE
2
Pregnant if you're Sebastian.
CONNIE
1
Well I feel pregnant. Pregnant with... (Twirling around)
CONNIE
2
Connie, Connie, Connie - don't do it.
Connie 1 stops and sits on bed.
You know what will happen.
CONNIE
1
We'll end up writing another paragraph. (Lying down on the
bed) "In a hotel room // She patiently waits."
CONNIE
2
"In a hotel room // Patiently she waits alone."
CONNIE
1
"In a hotel room // She..."
CONNIE
2
Feels like dancing.
CONNIE
1
Dancing?
Connie 2 crosses to Connie 1 to grasp her hand to pull her from the bed.
FX: Tapping on the door
CONNIE
1
Gary?
CONNIE
2
Sebastian?
Connie 1 and Connie 2 remain frozen.
LX: Blackout
###
* * * * *
Author's Note
Please remember plays are not written to be read but performed. Even though this e-script is free, if you subsequently wish to put on a performance of this play, either professional or amateur, you will need the permission of the author and copyright owner. Information on performance rights can be found at the author's Web site. The author also welcomes any feedback you might have.
* * * * *
About the Author
Closely involved with theatre all his life, Steven trained at Guildhall School of Music and Drama in Stage Management and Technical Theatre. He went on to spend several years working in theatre publicity, while continuing to write plays and occasionally directing. If you are interested in reading more of Steven's work, please visit these links:
Author's Web site: http://www.stevenayckbourn.com/
Author at Smashwords.com