Schitck to the Script
A short collection of comedic skits
Virginia Beach, VA
Also by Kathryn Lively
Pithed an Andy Farmer Mystery
Little Flowers
Schitck to the Script copyright 2004, 2010 by Kathryn Lively
All rights reserved under the International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, organizations, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
PO Box 55071
Virginia Beach, VA 23471
Cover art © 2010 Kathryn Lively
First DLP Edition – January, 2010
Printed in the United States of America
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Warning the unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a fine of $250,000.
Author’s Note
In the spring of 2004, I answered a call online from an actress in the South Florida area seeking original, short comedy skits for a revue she was planning to benefit her local American Legion and another non-profit. While I mainly write fiction, I am not adverse to trying new things—I have written greeting cards for Gibson, tech articles for now defunct magazines, and some really bad poetry. Though the post was voluntary (read no pay) I offered some material anyway, if only for the opportunity to tell people one day that I had co-written a comedy sketch revue.
Of the skits I submitted to Julia Street Players, all but one were used—presumably because Party Favors featured adult material. That and all the skits, as performed in 2004, are included in this collection. Should anybody decide to perform them on stage, I’d be happy to hear about it (you can e-mail me at info@dlpbooks.com). If anybody, too, happens to run into a big shot television producer in need of a writer and you slip him/her this book…I certainly won’t get mad.
Keep laughing,
Kat
PARTY FAVORS
CHARACTERS
Darlene – gum-chewing brunette, early 20s, favors tight clothing
Myrna – Darlene’s mother, favors more conservative clothing
Chrissy – Darlene’s pest of a younger sister, mid-teens, bouncy cheerleader type
PROPS
Living room setting (couch, coffee table, etc.)
Magazine
Portable phone
Snack tray with box of crackers and soda cans
Big cardboard box wherein Darlene’s “supplies” will be contained
Bottle of chocolate syrup, label removed
Jar of edible cream, label removed
INTERIOR – LIVING ROOM NIGHT
DARLENE is pacing the living room, phone pressed to her ear. CHRISSY is following her around, clearly agitated because she wants to use the phone
DARLENE
(all the while waving CHRISSY away) So basically the more people that come over and buy stuff, the more merchandise credit I’ll get, so you can bring friends if you want. Uh-huh. (swats away CHRISSY’S hand; CHRISSY stomps over to the couch to read a magazine and pouts) Well, you’ve been to Tupperware parties, right? Well, this is like a Tupperware party, too. (moves away from CHRISSY so she can’t hear) Except instead of plastic bowls, we’re selling…you know…(lowered voice) sex toys. (louder) I said sex toys. (rolls her eyes) Sex toys! (checks for CHRISSY’S reaction, relieved to see none; a bit more indignant) Of course, it’s legal! We’re just selling stuff; we’re not hosting an orgy. (look of disbelief) No, I don’t think I could whip one up on such short notice. Look, do you want to come to the party or not, ‘cause I need an idea of how many people are coming so I can buy snacks. (nods) Okay. No, you can’t bring pot. (staves off annoyed look from CHRISSY) Look, Chrissy isn’t going to leave me alone, so I have to go. Okay, I love you, too, Grandma.
CHRISSY is now by her side as DARLENE hangs up the phone. CHRISSY snatches the receiver and starts dialing.
CHRISSY
About time! I’m growing a beard waiting for you to get off.
DARLENE
That’s ‘cause you take after Grandma.
CHRISSY sticks out her tongue and trots offstage with the phone pressed to her ear. She passes MYRNA, who comes into the living with a tray of cheese and crackers and soda cans. She joins DARLENE on the couch.
MYRNA
So, how’s Grandma doing?
DARLENE
(nibbling a cracker) I guess she’s okay. It was hard to hear for all the loud music playing in the background. I’d forgotten her KISS fan club meets tonight. But she says she’s going to come to the party tomorrow.
MYRNA
Yes, about that, Darlene…I’m having second thoughts about letting you have this party.
DARLENE
(whining) Mom! You said I could. Chrissy’s going to be gone, and Dad’ll be watching the ball game in the den, and you didn’t see anything wrong with it before.
MYRNA
I know, dear, but I got to thinking about it, and I’m wondering if it’s appropriate to bring…things like that into this house.
DARLENE
Mom, they’re just plastic objects people use to spice up their love lives. They don’t bite. (pause) That stuff won’t be available until the holiday catalog comes out. (senses her mother’s nervousness) It’s okay, Mom. This party isn’t for horny single women; it’s for people who want to put the zing back into their marriages. Take you and Dad… haven’t you felt at times he needed a little jump start to satisfy your needs?
MYRNA
(shocked) Darlene, this isn’t the kind of thing a mother discusses with her children. (pause) Besides, if I wanted to jump start your father, it’s going to take more than one of your little sex parties. Host an Auto Zone party and sell jumper cables and dynamite, and that should do the trick.
DARLENE
Mom, you don’t need to do that. All you need is a little imagination. (reaches beside her for the cardboard box on the floor next to her) Look, I have some samples of the stuff we’re selling right here. I can guarantee anything in this box will get Dad in the mood.
DARLENE rifles through the box. MYRNA is pessimistic.
MYRNA
Right. You know what gets your father excited? Randy Johnson pitching a no-hitter against the Cubs. My best bet would be to grow three feet taller and a mustache, but unfortunately I don’t take after Grandma.
DARLENE hands her the chocolate syrup.
DARLENE
Here you go, this is our best seller. Chocolate Dream Body Topping. Turn your man into a hot fudgin’ sundae. Guaranteed to tickle your taste buds.
MYRNA
(studying the bottle with skepticism) At ten bucks a pop, it better tickle more than that. (hands it back) I can get a bottle of Nesquik at Publix for a buck ninety-nine.
DARLENE
(frustrated) All right, let’s see what else we got here.
DARLENE hands her a small jar of edible body cream.
DARLENE
Now here’s something you won’t find in a grocery store. Edible body paints for intimate nights. Comes in all sorts of flavors pina colada, passion fruit, wild cherry…