Eternal Joy — Volume II — Engagement and Marriage
A Guide to Shidduchim and Marriage
Based on the Teachings of the
Lubavitcher Rebbe,
Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson
by Rabbi Sholom B. Wineberg
Published by Sichos In English
Eternal Joy — Volume II — Engagement and Marriage
Published by Sichos In English at Smashwords
Copyright 2000 Sichos In English
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Chapter 1: Foreword
B”H
With heartfelt gratitude to G-d, we hereby present the second volume of Eternal Joy, A Guide To Shidduchim & Marriage, based on the Rebbe’s teachings. The present volume encompasses the Rebbe’s directives and advice concerning matters from the time of engagement through the wedding day.
The Rebbe has spoken about the issues of engagement and marriage at numerous farbrengens and has responded to the questions asked of him by many hundreds of individuals in his Igros Kodesh, as well as in personal responses during Yechidus and through his secretariat.
Through the study of these sources, it is possible to gain understanding of and valuable insight into the fundamental elements of the Rebbe’s approach to engagement and marriage.
In addition, the Rebbe transmitted to us numerous customs of the Rebbeim concerning engagement and particularly marriage, customs that are of vital importance to our lives and in affirming our connection to the Rebbe.
As the Rebbe writes:
“The customs that relate to a wedding in particular are relevant to everyone, for in a marriage the infinite power of the Ein Sof is revealed. This is drawn down by the leader of the generation. Therefore it is appropriate to follow the customs of the Rebbeim.”1
In this volume, as in the first, we have collected2 and translated selections from a variety of the Rebbe’s letters, sichos, and personal responses regarding the period of engagement to wedding.
It is worth reiterating that there are a number of difficulties with such a collection.
Firstly, the collection and translation are our own; this is not a guide to the time of engagement and marriage authored or edited by the Rebbe.
Secondly, it is not all-encompassing. There is considerably more material from the Rebbe on these subjects than that which has been collected here.
And finally, while the customs and public directives “are relevant to everyone,” it is entirely possible that the personal advice the Rebbe gave one individual may be inappropriate for another. Moreover, some of the responses to individuals are not necessarily the Rebbe’s final word on the matter.
In an attempt to try to resolve this latter difficulty we have quoted a wide array of letters and sichos, even though some may appear different from others. The dates or sources cited may be of benefit in discerning the Rebbe’s later responses. So, too, by noting that numerous answers are in the same vein, we have an indication of the Rebbe’s general approach to a specific issue.
Nevertheless, it must be borne in mind that the Rebbe’s answer to one individual does not necessarily apply at all to another, as the Rebbe has pointed out on a number of occasions. To quote but two:
“I have already expressed — and have done so numerous times: My answer to one individual does not constitute a directive — it doesn’t even constitute a response — to a second individual.”3
On another occasion the Rebbe writes:
“It is patently obvious that a directive to an individual does not serve at all as a directive to the multitude, even when the issues are the same. Particularly so, when this is written as a private letter to him.
“For most often this depends on the conditions of the life of that individual, his personality and temperament, the possibilities that exist for him concerning that which he wrote [to me about] in his letter, and more, and more [reasons, not enumerated here].”4
In instances of doubt, one would therefore do well to remember the Rebbe’s exhortation to “ask one’s mashpia or rav....” We are then assured that not only will the Rebbe’s holy blessings accompany every chassan and kallah, but his instructions on these matters will be followed as well.
May the marriages that are currently taking place, and are soon to take place, herald and hasten the coming of the ultimate marriage celebration, the marriage and union of G-d and His people.
As the Rebbe states: “The marriage of every couple ... is connected to the ultimate marriage between G-d and the Jewish people that will be consummated in the Era of Redemption.”5
And at that time, “we will again meet with the Rebbe on this earthly plane, and he shall redeem us.”6
Sholom B. Wineberg
Overland Park, Kansas
Rosh Chodesh Sivan, 5760
Jubilee Year of the Leadership of the Lubavitcher Rebbe
Chapter 2: Some Thoughts on Marriage
Life’s Most Important Event
Marriage is the most important event in the life of a man or woman.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. IV, p. 272)
Perfect Union
... Marriage is not only the beginning of a partnership but the beginning of a union, where both parties truly become one, united for life.
(From a letter of the Rebbe, dated 8 Tishrei, 5722)
True Union
The essential quality and substance of a proper marriage is “cleaving to one’s wife and becoming one flesh,”7 which is to say, that one is in a constant state of acquisition and cleaving — rebuffing anything and everything that leads to and causes the cessation of this cleaving and unity.
(Likkutei Sichos, Vol. XXXIV, p. 138)
The Greatest Joy
Marriage is the greatest degree of joy that human beings can find in their lives.
(Sichos Kodesh 5714, p. 245)
“An Emotion That Increases”
Love is an emotion that increases in strength throughout one’s life. It is sharing and caring, and respecting each other. It is building a life together, a unit of family and home.
The love that you feel as a young bride is only the beginning of real love. It is through the small, everyday acts of living together that love flourishes and grows. And so, the love you feel after five or ten years is a gradual strengthening of bonds.
As two lives unite to form one, with time, one reaches a point where each partner can no longer visualize life without his mate by his side.
(From a private Yechidus)
Establishing the Ground Rules
The Creator, in His infinite kindness, has revealed and given to us certain directives and precepts concerning the establishment of a close relationship between two persons, especially between spouses, which clearly is one of the most important aspects of human life — especially in the view of our Torah.
The purpose of these directives and precepts is, on the one hand, to ensure the conditions under which the couple will be blessed with an abundance of blessings, and on the other, to guide them and protect them from undesirable acts and consequences.
(From a letter of the Rebbe, dated 5732)
The Foundation
Mazal Tov! May the edifice [of the forthcoming marriage] be an eternal edifice, [based] on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos. May your lives indeed be happy and fortunate in all aspects.
(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe to an engaged couple)
The Foundation — Tried and Tested
I extend my heartfelt wishes to you that your wedding take place in a fortunate and good hour and with mazal tov. May you construct a Jewish edifice on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos.
Understandably, it need not be emphasized that on a deeper level marriage means that chassan and kallah jointly embark on constructing a life — a most joyous life — and an edifice that endures for many, many long and happy years.
It is self-understood that it is of primary and crucial import that the foundation of an edifice be constructed of the most durable material possible, material that is able to withstand the changes and havoc that can be wrought by changes of temperature and moisture, by an earthquake, and so on.
The same holds true when chassan and kallah embark on building a life together [and lay the foundations for that life]. This joint life is to be founded on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos, the strongest materials in existence.
These materials have withstood the test of time, overcoming a multitude of obstacles during the passage of the approximately three and a half thousand years since G-d gave us His Torah and mitzvos.
These, then, are the vessels through which a couple receives G-d’s blessings for a truly joyous life. May G-d bless you — as previously stated — with a mazal tov and [with the ability to construct] an everlasting edifice on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VI, p. 194)
The Jewish Home
G-d demands that the Jewish home — every Jewish home — be quite different from a non-Jewish home, not only on Shabbos and Yom Tov but also on ordinary weekdays, as well as in regard to “weekday” [i.e., mundane] matters. It must be a Jewish home in every respect.
What makes a Jewish household different from a non-Jewish household is that it is conducted in all its details according to the directives of the Torah, which is known as Toras Chayim — a Jew’s Divine guide in his or her daily life.
Hence, the home becomes an abode for G-d’s Presence, a home for G-dliness, concerning which G-d says: “Make Me a Sanctuary, and I shall dwell among them.”8
It is a home where G-d’s Presence is felt not only on Shabbos and Yom Tov, but every day of the week; not only when its occupants are engaged in prayer and Torah study, but also when they are engaged in very ordinary things, [e.g.,] eating and drinking, etc. For all their actions are performed in accordance with the directive, “Know Him in all your ways.”9
It is a home where mealtime is not a time for indulging in ordinary and natural “eating habits,” but a hallowed service to G-d, where the table is an “altar” to G-d, sanctified by [ritually] washing one’s hands before a meal, reciting the blessings over food, and reciting Grace After the Meal. Moreover, every item of food and beverage brought into the home is strictly kosher.
It is a home where the mutual relationship between husband and wife is sanctified by the meticulous observance of the laws and regulations of Taharas HaMishpachah, permeated with awareness of the active third “Partner” — G-d — in creating new life, in fulfillment of the Divine commandment: “Be fruitful and multiply.”10
This also ensures that Jewish children are born in purity and holiness, with pure hearts and minds that enable them to resist temptation and, when they grow up, avoid the pitfalls of their surrounding environment.
Moreover, the strict observance of Taharas HaMishpachah is a basic factor in the preservation of peace and harmony (shalom bayis) in the home, which is vitally strengthened and fortified thereby — obviously, a critical factor in the preservation of the family as a unit.
It is a home where parents know that their first obligation is to instill into their offspring from their most tender age on, love of G-d and also awe of G-d, a home wherein parents infuse their offspring with the joy of performing mitzvos.
With all their desire to provide their children with all the good things in life, the Jewish parent knows that the greatest, indeed, the only real and eternal legacy they can bequeath to their children, is to make the Torah and mitzvos and Jewish traditions their life source and polestar in daily life.
(From a letter of the Rebbe, dated 18 Elul, 5735)
Chapter 3: The “Vort” or “LeChayim” — Celebrating the Engagement
Currently, the prevailing custom among Anash is to celebrate the engagement of chassan and kallah with a celebration known as a Vort — “giving one’s word” — or a LeChayim.
In the course of this celebration, non-written assurances are received — primarily in the form of a kabbalas kinyan — from the parties, in which they pledge to go through with the marriage.
The more formal written agreement regarding the marriage and the conditions attached thereto, known as the Tena’im, or “Conditions,” are formalized on the day of the wedding itself.
Quite often, the Rebbe would issue the following blessing in honor of the Vort:11 “May it be in a good and auspicious hour. Mazal Tov. Azkir al haTziyun.”
The Rebbe would urge that the Vort be celebrated with the recitation of a maamar, a Chassidic discourse, preferably by the chassan himself, if not by others.
Additionally, during the Vort, an earthenware plate is broken [generally by the mothers of chassan and kallah], and a Chassidic farbrengen is conducted.
The Rebbe very much favored12 that the Vort be celebrated in a modest and non-ostentatious manner.13
The Rebbe was also quite emphatic that the engagement period not be termed “eirusin,” “betrothal.”
Tena’im or Kinyan
In reply to your undated letter in which you inquire whether to celebrate the engagement with a tena’im or a kinyan, [i.e., a vort]:
It really does not make too much of a difference in which manner you choose to celebrate it. Inquire among your local Anash as to the current prevailing custom and conduct yourself in this manner.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIV, p. 255)
Reciting a Maamar
Surely you recited a maamar at the time of your kishurei hatena’im...
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIII, p. 134)
Singing the Alter Rebbe’s Niggun
The Previous Rebbe, Rabbi Yosef Y. Schneersohn, of blessed memory, writes the following with regard to when it is appropriate for the Alter Rebbe’s Niggun to be sung:14
“This song was sung in Lubavitch only on recognized occasions — from Rosh Chodesh Elul through Simchas Torah, Yud-Tes Kislev, Purim, during the festive meals of a tena’im, or a wedding....”
Someone asked the Rebbe whether the Alter Rebbe’s Niggun may be sung during a vort, as there is no formal writing of the tena’im at the vort.
The Rebbe responded: “The answer to this question is within the province of a Rav who regularly rules on matters of Jewish law.”15
(From a Teshurah)
It’s Perfectly Fine
Not to Immediately Write the Tena’im
... You write in your letter that you are planning to write the tena’im on the day of the wedding.
There is absolutely no room for doubt [that this may be done]; indeed, it is proper to do so. May the tena’im as well [as the wedding to follow] be celebrated in a good and auspicious hour.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VII, p. 19)
“Engaged” — Not “Betrothed”
Neither Verbalize nor Write “Eirusin”
Until the Proper Time
... It is my considered opinion that the term “eirusin” (“betrothal”) neither be verbalized nor written [in describing the engaged couple] until the actual [ceremony] of eirusin takes place [on the wedding day].
(From a letter of the Rebbe, dated 5 Sivan, 5729)
Denoting the Engagement Period as “Eirusin”
Bespeaks Ignorance
There are those who, when desiring to notify others about the engagement of a chassan and kallah, write and publicize that “so and so” and “so and so” were betrothed (nisarsu).
The use of this terminology is a matter of sheer ignorance, since the state of eirusin means that the woman is considered an “eishes ish” (“wife of her husband”) with regard to all matters [relating to her relationship with others]. This state [of eirusin] possesses implication with regard to capital matters as well.
Here, however, [when they are simply engaged to be married], we are speaking merely of that which is termed “kishurei tena’im” — “bound by the pledge that they will be getting married.” This term [as it relates to the engagement of a chassan and kallah] is found in the codes of Jewish law.
(Shaarei Halachah U’Minhag, Vol. IV, p. 90)16
Chapter 4: Gifts to Kallah and Chassan — What to Give and What Not to Give
Sefarim Are Meant to Be Used
It is an established custom in many places for the kallah to purchase a Shas for her chassan; the Chassidic custom is that the chassan receive Chassidic sefarim as well.
The intent of all the above is that one should continuously study Torah.
... The chassan and also the kallah should increase their Torah study, both Scriptural and Oral Torah. For “... also women are obligated to study and to know the laws that pertain to them.”
This is especially so regarding those laws connected with marriage and family purity, laws that are mainly contingent on the woman.
Thus, observance [of these laws], care [in keeping these laws], “taharah,” and holiness, that is to say, all the particulars that are part and parcel of the laws of marriage and family purity, depend on them. They, in turn, are expected to encourage their husbands in this area as well.
There should also be an increase in prayer. This, too, has a special connection with women, as their emotions are more developed than men’s. Prayer is termed “service of the heart,” and therefore women can apply themselves to prayer with greater intensity and strength than can their male counterparts.
Similarly there should be an increase in tzedakah, especially on the wedding day. They should take a percentage of their money, with which they could have purchased the necessities of life, and donate it to tzedakah. In this way it is considered as if they were giving their very soul and life to G-d.
These coins of tzedakah are then transformed into “coins of [heavenly] fire,” irradiating and illuminating their homes with the light and glow of Torah and mitzvos.
All the above is to be done with enthusiasm, fervor and radiance — with the fire of Yiddishkeit and Chassidus.
(From a general Yechidus to chassanim and kallos, 17 Shevat, 5745)
The More Sefarim the Better
... So, too, with regard to a chassan and kallah who are preparing to build a Jewish home: In concert with their efforts to obtain furnishings for their home — “a bed, chair, table and lamp”17 — they are to exert themselves (indeed, this should be their primary effort) that the house contain sacred books, which they will use for Torah study.
So much so [will the house be influenced by these sacred volumes], that the house verily becomes a “house filled with sefarim”18 — included in which is the interpretation that the entire physical edifice and all its accoutrements are permeated with the content and substance of the sefarim. In the words of the Rabbis,19 the house itself becomes “an assembly place for Sages.”
It is an established custom in many places that the chassan receive a gift of a Shas and the kallah receive a Siddur Korban Minchah, a Siddur with a simplistic Yiddish translation (ivreh teitch), wherein are cited — in the lingua franca — many laws that relate to Jewish women.
Presently, since women study [much] Torah, are knowledgeable, and so on, they do not need a simplistic Yiddish translation — in fact, receiving such a gift may even cause them embarrassment. Instead, they should receive books of Jewish law that relate to conducting one’s home [in the proper Jewish way].
[These gifts of books should consist of books that are written] in a clear and concise manner. They may be either in Lashon HaKodesh, or translated into the local language, etc.
And the more books given, the better.
(Sefer HaSichos 5748,Vol. I, p. 191)
Purchase of a Pushkeh
There is the established Jewish custom that the chassan receive a gift of sefarim — here, in this country, the custom is that he receive a Shas and the like.
It should also be established that in the “new home” a gift that is connected to tzedakah be brought— a tzedakah pushkeh, a “charity box.”
... This will serve as a reminder both “below,” [i.e., to the inhabitants of this world] and “above” [those who inhabit the spiritual realms] that this is a home built on Torah and mitzvos.
On Torah — inasmuch as it is “a home filled with sefarim”; on mitzvos — by means of the tzedakah pushkeh, as tzedakah represents the general aspect of mitzvos.
(Sichahs Kodesh 5739, Vol. I, p. 364)
The Kallah Should Not Receive a Ring as a Gift
Prior to Her
Marriage
In my opinion it is advisable, for obvious reasons,20 that a ring not be among the gifts that are given to the kallah.
(Likkutei Sichos, Vol. XIX, p. 510)
Other Gifts but Not a Ring
I have already spoken very forcefully about the unfortunate custom wherein the chassan gives the kallah a ring [in honor of their engagement]. [How can this possibly be done, when] this can lead to a great pitfall, since this is similar to the ring the chassan gives his kallah under the chuppah.
There were those who responded with the argument that the intent [in giving the ring] is not an act of marriage, and so on.
However, this is a specious argument, for the whole intent and purpose of presenting the kallah with a gift of a ring is to stimulate thoughts about marriage.
Why, then, give a gift that leads to many [halachic] questions if, G-d forbid, chassan and kallah should break off the engagement — questions that are so severe that they are of a capital nature.
Even when they stay together, [the chassan’s giving the kallah a ring for their engagement results in] questions with regard to the marriage blessings.
[This being so, why give a ring as a gift] when one can give a gift that avoids all questions and problems?!
This leads to an even greater snare: when the chassan conducts himself in the manner that it is specifically he who places the ring on the finger of his kallah.
This is done, of course, in order to bring about a degree of closeness between chassan and kallah — so that it should not be said that the chassan’s presentation of the ring to his kallah is being done without sincerity, etc.
[When this is done in such a manner, then] this results in the obvious question of why this should not be considered [a prohibited] “affectionate closeness” (kirvah shel chibah)!21
If this were not enough, the Rav or Rabbi is invited [to the ring-placing ceremony] so that he may give a sermon — something that he happily does, without offering the slightest murmur of protest that concurrent with his sermon the chassan is placing a ring on the kallah’s finger!
Why enter this quagmire by giving a ring?! To be sure, the chassan is not being compelled to give [his kallah] a Siddur Korban Minchah, so that he not be thought of as a batlan [other worldly] — but neither should he give a ring. If one insists on giving precious gems and pearls — then do not give a ring, give another piece of jewelry.
It is a mitzvah to publicize the above.
(Sichos Kodesh 5741, Vol. II, p. 512)
Chapter 5: The Date, Timing and Location of the Wedding
Who Sets the Date and Location of the Wedding
There is the known Jewish custom that the mechutanim on both sides jointly decide on the date and location of the wedding.22
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIX, p. 200)
The Two Sides Jointly Set the Date
The date of the wedding — [should be] in accordance with the decision of “both sides.” Surely you will not draw it out, [i.e., you should celebrate the wedding sooner rather than later].
(From a letter of the Rebbe, dated 18 Teves, 5725)23
Date and Location of the Wedding: Mechutanim
After-Wedding
Arrangements: Chassan and Kallah
The location of the wedding and the manner [of how it will be celebrated (caterer, music, etc.)] — [should be] according to the joint decisions of the mechutanim.
The arrangements after the wedding, [e.g., where to settle, to go on shlichus, etc.] mostly relate and belong to chassan and kallah sheyichyu, and they are [the ones who are] to ask [me questions that pertain to these matters].
(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe)24
The Decision Rests With the Kallah’s Family
... Regarding your question about the place of the wedding:
The prevailing custom is that it is celebrated where the kallah’s family (tzad hakallah) is located— that is to say, in the location of their choosing.