Don’t Do What We Did! A Conversation About Online Dating With an Ex-Not-Quite Couple Who Met on the Internet
Michelle Y. Talbert and Ricardo Kingsbury
Smashwords Edition
Copyright © 2011 by Michelle Y. Talbert and Ricardo Kingsbury
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Manufactured in the United States of America
Cover design: ManjariGraphics
Cover illustration: Corne Cartoons – Enroc Illustrations CO
Michelle’s photo: Eric Johnson-Gamez, Visual Concepts Photography
Ricardo’s photo: Sandy Kolar
Editor: Sharon Honeycutt
Hearts and minds and technology intertwine to become one.
~ Michelle Y. Talbert
Dedicated to hopeful romantics everywhere.
~ Michelle
Dedicated to the possibility of finding true love…or not.
~Ricardo
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 Love, Lust & Loneliness
Chapter 2 You only get one chance to make a first impression: Profile Matters
Chapter 3 Social Butterfly or Shut-In?
Chapter 4 Sex, Lies and Dashed Expectations
Chapter 5 Grown Folks’ Business
Introduction
“Nice smile.” That message, sent from one online dating account to another, began a whirlwind love affair and subsequent friendship between Ricardo and Michelle that led us to write this book.
Welcome! If you’re like us, you’re single (or some semblance thereof) and have either contemplated online dating, have dipped a toe into the waters of the online-dating scene, or have jumped right into the water off of the diving board. Unfortunately, for all of your efforts, you still haven’t found that person you’re seeking. Well, neither have we. But, what we have found is each other. And through trial and error in our relationship with one another, through experiences that friends and loved ones have shared with us, and through the relationships we’ve had with others in the twenty-plus years we’ve collectively spent looking for love in technological places, we believe we’ve amassed a great deal of information about what works and, more importantly, what doesn’t work when dating online.
Between us we have had four marriages, three and one-half divorces (Michelle has been separated for two years), some kids, cats and dogs, various romantic relationships, heartbreaks, great sex, and not-so-great sex. Through all of this, we’re both still pretty happy and well-adjusted people, even though we’re still single.
According to dating site commercials, 20 percent of relationships now begin online. Even if that number is inflated, it’s a fact that with varying degrees of “success” more and more people are meeting online. Once we (Ricardo and Michelle) determined that we probably weren’t a love connection, we began comparing notes about some of the experiences we had had prior to and since meeting each other. Ironically, we are both back on the website where we met! We have reconciled, for the most part, what went wrong between us (hey, we’re human) and, during that process, discussed some of the pitfalls and positive attributes of relationships that begin online. We realize that even though more and more people are meeting online, there are still a large number who are not getting the results they want. That’s where we come in. This book represents our promise to each other and to you to be honest and to share our insight about online dating—the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Michelle talks to the fellas out there about how they can improve their online skills and attract the type of woman they’re pursuing, without harming all the women they meet along the path to The One. Ricardo hopes to decode the behaviors exhibited by many of the men online and give women a peek into their minds. As he says, “I think all men want to be good, but we kind of start off being bad.” He also shares some Man Code—yeah, he knows his boys may not be speaking to him by the end of this book—but ladies, he’s willing to risk it for you!
We discuss the do’s and don’ts of profiles, pictures, electronic and telephonic communications, and, of course, the all-important, first face-to-face meeting—or not. Some people seek only pen pals. We share with you some mistakes we made. For example, Michelle got into Ricardo’s car the first night we met. Even though we were only driving two blocks, this was a serious safety issue. By the way, that first message was sent by Ricardo, but she ‘initiated’ first contact, we’ll discuss how. These anecdotes, served up with a good helping of humor, will let you know that you’re not alone in your quest. Even if you don’t meet the love of your life online, hopefully you’ll meet a really cool person or two—like we did—who you can call ‘friend’—with or without benefits. Our sincere hope is that our honesty, for better or for worse, will improve your chances for success online.
We are honored and excited to share our story with you, as a cautionary tale of sorts and a story of what amazing things can happen when we remain open to the possibilities that life brings our way. It is our sincere hope that the wisdom we’ve gained from the crystal clear, 20/20 vision of hindsight will help you along your journey to find who you are searching for online. We’re not perfect, but we’re perfectly qualified to tell you what not to do!
Michelle
& Ricardo
Washington, DC
August 2011
Chapter 1 Love, Lust & Loneliness
Michelle: Ricardo, why are you writing this book?
Ricardo: Well, I’ve always been intrigued by this online dating thing. I’ve been online for probably seven years, and when you suggested that you wanted to get together and write a book about it, I was very interested in doing it because I’d like to give women an inside track as to what we men think about, why we do the things we do, and why we say the things we say. I guess I’d like to make it easier for women to find a good man online.
Also, this book is going to be a learning tool for me because you’re also telling me what women think. So, I’m letting you know what men think, and I’m also learning. I’m getting the woman’s perspective, too.
Michelle: You said that you wanted to help women find good men online. Are there any good men online?
Ricardo: There are some good men online. I think all men want to be good, but we kind of start off being bad.
Ricardo: Michelle, it’s your turn. Why are you writing this book?
Michelle: Since I’ve been single again, the topic of dating online has come up in conversations with my friends, and it’s now prevalent in the media. It seemed to me, though, that so many of us are just out there flailing about without any real guidance. While there are some success stories, most of the people I know are really not finding what they thought they could find online, at least not as far as long-term relationships. So, when you and I dated and shared some of our own stories as well as our friends’ stories with each other, I noticed some similarities, but I also had a few epiphanies. I thought, “Wow! Wouldn’t it be great if each of us could know a little about what our love interest thinks?” You and I are so comfortable talking to each other that I thought it could be fun and enlightening for others if we had this conversation openly. With any luck, we will all walk away having learned something helpful that we didn’t know before.
Excuse me, What is My Motivation?
Michelle: What do you think drives men to go to an online site in the first place?
Ricardo: In my case, I went online for the first time to try something new. It was probably—shoot—seven or so years ago.
Michelle: So when you say you wanted to try something new, does that mean you wanted to meet someone to hang out with, or …?
Ricardo: Yeah. I just wanted a new way to meet people. It was something different. Actually, I have a cousin who pretty much introduced me to online dating, and, once I got on there, I saw how easy it was to get women. It’s like going to the club, but you’re sitting in front of your computer. It’s a lot less effort.
Michelle: So, is it about finding sex, or is it for finding a relationship?
Ricardo: Well, for me at first, yeah, it was just sex.
Michelle: But that was seven years ago. What is it now?
Ricardo: Now it’s sex.
Michelle: It’s always sex, right?
Ricardo: Yeah, pretty much. Actually, for most men it may be sex at the outset, but I think everyone is online with the long-term goal of finding someone. No one wants to grow old alone. But I don’t know. Online dating is fun. I like talking and interacting with people, chatting, going back and forth.
Michelle: Yeah, there is a bit of an adrenaline rush when you are first getting to know someone—maybe because the possibilities of a new relationship are exciting? Many men say that they’re looking for relationships or are open to the possibilities of relationships. Are you saying that this is untrue, or are some men more open than others? I’ve talked to more than one woman who has told me that she began an online relationship with a man who said he also wanted a relationship only to discover—in the end—that wasn’t true.
For example, one friend of ours went online to find a relationship. She had never really been online before, and she went on one date with a man who appeared to be exactly what she was looking for. He said that he wanted a relationship, and she was over the moon. It’s now twelve months later, and she is the mother of a beautiful, precious bundle of love, but the guy she met is gone. The blessing is that she’s still over the moon because she has her first child, and she loves her dearly. But she was involved with someone who really wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship even though he said he was.
Ricardo: Some guys just aren’t looking for long-term relationships. A friend of mine asked me about a site that I’m on because he was going to Philly for the weekend and wanted to set up a page to see if he could find a woman to keep him company for the weekend.
What we found is that this isn’t uncommon. We interviewed a few guys who have set up “temporary” profiles for the purpose of finding companionship in geographic locations away from where they live—from a few hundred miles to a few thousand miles away. Many of these men stated that they had traveled for various reasons and that meeting women was not the purpose for their trips—it was secondary. However, a few mentioned that they traveled to distant locales because they’d met someone online and were curious enough to travel the distance to spend time with the woman. One guy mentioned that while he set up the profile intending to have only weekend or temporary companionship, he ended up having two long-distance relationships that stemmed from what was to be a weekend tryst.
Additionally, when we pushed the men to reveal whether they make the women aware that they don’t live in the area and are just visiting, the men said “it depends.” Michelle raised an eyebrow at these responses. Ricardo, however, nodded in understanding.
Ricardo: This goes back to men telling women what men think the women want to hear so that the men can get to the next level. At some point, the women will be told the truth, but, instead of saying everything at the beginning or in their profile, some men wait to feel out the woman when they speak or meet. But remember, Michelle, it can still lead to a relationship. I really think men are more open to just going with the flow than women.
One woman we spoke with mentioned that she met a man online, and, when they spoke for the first time, he was packing for a business trip to South America. He told her that he would like for her to come over and give him some “happy travels” sex. She declined. To his credit, she had no doubts about his intentions from the outset!
Networking
Michelle: It’s interesting to me that there are people who use dating sites to further their business aspirations. They make dating sites a part of their marketing strategy—for networking and to sell services and goods. I’ve been contacted for travel discounts, personal training, and real estate investment opportunities.
Ricardo: Oh yeah, this lady sends me these invitations to mingle at local dating get-togethers. I’ve never attended. She and I have never really communicated otherwise and have never met in person. That’s all she does is organize these events and send invites. Sometimes people are scamming too, but we’ll talk about that in the safety chapter.
People do go online for various reasons. Some are looking for short-term interaction, others for long-term, and still others are seeking business opportunities. It’s funny, we both had romantic reasons for going online, and we ended up collaborating on this book!
Up next, we’re going to talk about your ‘calling card’—otherwise known as your profile. This is where you introduce yourself and articulate your desires to a universe of people—one of whom just might meet those desires.
Chapter 2 You only get one chance to make a first impression: Profile Matters
Your dating profile is your initial presentation to the other members of the dating community. It’s how people get to know a little bit about you—just enough that they will want to contact you so that they can get to know more. It’s important that you put your best foot forward here so that hopefully you’ll capture the attention of the people who have the potential to be the best match for you and to provide the type of relationship you’re looking for.
A picture is worth a thousand words
Michelle: Do you think that online dating makes people shallow? We really do place a high level of importance on someone’s profile and on the profile picture when we think about initiating contact.
Ricardo: Not necessarily. I think that when you first get online you may be like that, but over time, especially for men because we don’t have as many options as women. I mean, it seems that there are so many more men online than women. Most of the women I know get hundreds of messages from men and men get so much less interest. It seems like online women have the upper hand and can choose whomever, so for men, we feel like we’re competing with so many other men for the attention of the women we’re interested in.
Michelle: Wow, that’s interesting. In traditional dating it feels like, and numerically is the reality, that men have the upper hand and women are competing for a shrinking pool of men.
We asked one of our male interviewees about online dating and using pictures as the basis for deciding whether or not you move forward with a person’s profile. He answered this way:
I think that online dating can actually make you less shallow because before you even initiate contact, you have more information about a person than you would have if you met in a club or out somewhere. Most of the time, I know whether a woman has kids or if she smokes. So, while it may begin with the picture, I have a depth of knowledge about her before we even say hello. So, no, I definitely think it doesn’t make you shallow because you start with a picture. All interaction begins with whether you’re physically attracted to the person.
Michelle: I admit that I’ve bypassed men whose profiles weren’t physically attractive to me. Then they’ve messaged me and said something witty or something that made me realize that they may be a nice guy.
Ricardo: Exactly. It can start shallow, but you find that when someone has a personality you like, you’re open to seeing where it may lead.
All right, so what attracts you to a person’s profile? Guys want to know what to do, how to set up their profile, what to say, and what type of picture to have up there that will attract the most women.
Michelle: The most?
Ricardo: Yeah.
Michelle: So it’s about quantity, not quality?
Ricardo: It’s about quantity, and then quality can come after that.
Michelle: I would say put up your best picture as your profile picture. And when I say, “best picture,” I mean the one that shows who you are today, not fifteen years ago, not back when you were in the military …
Ricardo: … or, high school.
Michelle: … or in high school, or in college when you were shooting hoops because now you weigh 300 pounds. Be truthful in that first profile pic. I don’t know that that’s going to get you the most women, but at least it will attract women who are attracted to you.
Ricardo: So do you like guys to smile in their pictures?
Michelle: Oh yeah. I think so. But not necessarily.
Ricardo: Wear a suit?