MODERN ETIQUETTE
A Practical Guide
Copyright 2011 by Dale Cameron
Smashwords Edition
CONTENTS
FOREWORD
It is not unusual for people to feel uncomfortable in common social situations. While we are all expected to know the basics of social etiquette, many of us can still feel inadequately prepared. Despite there being dozens of etiquette books available, few provide any information from a modern perspective. The focus has instead been on out-dated rules of chivalry and how to share a meal with the Queen. This lack of relevant advice means that many people have been left to find things out the hard way; a trial and error process which is time-wasting and unnecessary.
Dissatisfied with the status quo, and determined to find a solution, Dale wrote this book so as to provide a relaxed and enjoyable way for people to find out how best to deal with social situations in today's society. It is not an all-inclusive view on every possible point of etiquette, but rather a practical discussion with real life examples of the key aspects; ranging from general conversational skills, to writing CVs and preparing for job interviews.
Throughout this book, Dale provides real and sensible advice for a range of social situations so that we may all experience life in a way which makes the most of the opportunities presented to us.
INTRODUCTION
Over the years, etiquette has lost much of its significance as an acknowledged social concept. With the word itself now conjuring up nothing but dated clichés and old-fashioned rules of courtship, many would argue that it simply lacks relevance. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth.
Etiquette is little more than a way to interact with those around us. It is less about a set of rules than it is about feeling confident and at ease with others. In a world where social skills are quickly becoming a rare commodity, good etiquette is an asset which helps us to advance both our careers and our relationships.
This book provides a modern perspective on the fundamentals of everyday life, and serves as a practical guide which is both domestically and internationally relevant. There are no clichés and there is no academic theory, just a discussion of real life situations in concise and simple language.
MEETING & GREETING
Overview
The
saying that "first impressions count" is more than a mere
expression - it is a reality. Whether we intend to or not, we all
find ourselves making assumptions about the people we meet based on
the smallest amount of information. If someone is rude to us when
we're introduced, it is all too easy to assume they're always like
that and to make no effort to see them again. On the other hand, if
someone is conversational and welcoming when we meet, we're more
likely to want to get to know them better. It is this tendency which
makes a first impression so important and is the reason a good first
impression is so crucial to the development of any new relationship.
Being
introduced
When being introduced to someone, or
introducing yourself, basic manners go a long way. Always be polite
and attentive regardless of the person’s age, sex, or status.
Extend your hand and greet them sincerely by saying “How’s it
going” - or in a more formal setting, “It’s a pleasure to meet
you.” People will pay less attention to your choice of pleasantries
than to the way you express them - so smile, look them in the eye,
stand up straight, and speak clearly.
If you’re sitting down when you’re introduced to someone who is standing, it is both polite and practical to also stand. This allows you to talk at eye level and makes shaking hands more comfortable. Be careful not to stay standing too long however, as it may seem rude to the other people sitting with you.
Shaking
hands
A handshake is often taken as a communication of
personality. A “wet fish” handshake with a limp wrist and soft
grasp gives an impression of weakness, while excessive gripping and
pumping can make you seem aggressive. Aim to be firm without
squeezing; and always look the other person in the eye.
If you’re holding a cold drink and you know that you may be shaking someone's hand, hold it in your left to avoid your right hand becoming cold. Equally, if you feel that your palms are sweaty, discreetly wipe them before shaking. You want them to remember you, but for the right reasons!
Meeting a
group
We can often find ourselves being introduced to a
number of people at once. When this happens, try to greet each person
with as much enthusiasm as you would if they were alone. If however,
the group is particularly large, you may find that going around in a
circle shaking each individual’s hand may be awkward and disrupt
conversation. If that is so, no one will think you rude for simply
nodding and smiling at the people to whom you’re being introduced.
If you find yourself able to shake some hands but not others
(because, for example, you're sitting down and cannot reach them
across the table), it is still polite to shake those hands you can
reach, even if you can only nod to the others.
Making
introductions
Everyone appreciates a person who is
helpful when making introductions. Remember, the people you’re
introducing do not know each other as well as you may know them and
may not feel quite so at ease.
A good introduction can be done simply and quickly. The key is to say both names and give a small piece of information about each person, which can be used as a starting point for further conversation. For example, “Mr. Senior, I would like you to meet Mr. Junior. I was just telling Mr. Junior how your experience in the construction industry could be helpful to a report he is writing.” As in the example, always present the younger or less senior person to the older or more senior. This is a simple mark of respect which, even in today’s less formal society, is still appreciated.
If you introduce two people and it’s obvious they have little in common, don’t walk away. While most strangers are capable of handling idle conversation, neither person will be very happy if you leave them standing there feeling awkward.
Remembering
names
Many people struggle when it comes to remembering
names, which unfortunately has the potential to undo even the best
first impression. To recall names with ease, and to avoid the
potentially embarrassing situation of having to introduce someone
whose name you can’t remember, make a habit of repeating names back
to people when you first meet. This can be done as simply as saying
“It’s nice to meet you, Sue”. This associates a name with the
person’s face, making it much easier to recall later on. It also
addresses the fear of mispronunciation, which can be of particular
concern when the name is uncommon. In such a case, asking how it’s
spelt can often help.
If you can’t
remember a name
If you’re ever in a position where you
can’t remember someone’s name, honesty at the earliest
opportunity is generally the best approach. You can try to get by
without it, but this can land you in trouble later on if you’re
expected to make introductions.
The easiest thing to say is: “I’m so sorry but I’m having real difficulty remembering your name.” If you’re genuinely apologetic, the person whose name you’ve forgotten won’t be offended and will happily remind you. Keep this in mind if it is your name that has been forgotten. Don’t be embarrassed and don’t make it worse for the person who has forgotten it. Just smile and tell them again.
Cultural
considerations
When meeting someone from a different
culture to your own, it is important to keep in mind that your way of
doing things is not necessarily the right way, but just one of many
right ways. Different cultures have different customs and
expectations, so if someone comes across as being a bit odd, don’t
think them rude or impolite; they are simply acting the way they
believe is appropriate.
When faced with a different culture, rather than shying away, consider it a learning experience and make the most of it. Doing so will put you in the best position to take advantage of new opportunities presented to you, and will help you to create new and interesting relationships.
It pays to also be aware of your own conduct and to recognise when your actions and words could seem strange or unfamiliar to someone else. At times, this may even require you to explain why you’re acting in a particular way.
CONVERSATION
Overview
Mastering
the art of conversation is one of the most valuable things a person
can to do. Learning how to converse well with others will not only
help you to build on existing relationships, but will allow you to
successfully create new ones as well.
So many of life’s opportunities come down to who we know, which largely stems from our conversational effort with those we meet. It is no mystery that the people who are enjoyable to talk to know lots of people, and often end up with especially interesting and successful lives.
Eye
contact
Making eye contact during conversation is
absolutely essential. It shows that you are both listening and are
genuinely interested in what is being said. A person whose gaze
wanders distractedly around the room can come across as being rude,
and can make the person they’re talking to feel unimportant.
With that said, it is worth remembering that in some cultures it is considered a mark of respect to lower your eyes when speaking with someone. It should also be noted that some people can find eye contact to be unnerving and will frequently look away. If you’re talking to someone and they seem a little uneasy with looking you in the eye, don’t be offended and don’t be put off by it – just keep these things in mind.
Listening
Whether
you’re talking to a friend, a stranger, or your boss, the key to
being a good conversationalist is to be a good listener. Everyone
thrives on the feeling that what they’ve contributed is valued, so
an eager listener will always be appreciated more than a spirited
talker.
When a good idea pops into your head during a conversation, wait until the other person has finished talking before saying it. When someone tells you a story that they’re particularly excited about and it reminds you of something that you did, make sure that you actually do acknowledge what they’ve said before launching into your own story - otherwise it may sound like you’re trying to one-up them.
Listening attentively allows others to talk about the things which interest them, and makes them think they’ve had a brilliantly interesting conversation even if you’ve contributed very little.
Being
present
If people thrive on the feeling that what they’ve
contributed is valued, acknowledgement is what people must crave the
most. When you hear talk about being “present” in a conversation,
it is a reference not just to your physical state, but to your mental
state as well. It means taking an active part in the discussion by
giving it your full attention and acknowledging what each person
contributes.
Body language is very important as the simplest movements can send the strongest messages. Even the straightforward act of folding your arms can be interpreted as you not wanting to be there. Nod your head every so often to show that you’re following the conversation and make sure you listen and respond to what is being said. If someone says something that you don’t understand, ask about it.
Open ended questions are the best because they allow the speaker to take the conversation in the direction they want. If you arrive at a topic that you absolutely can’t stand, you can always change it.
Being present goes both ways, so keep an eye on other people’s body language as well. If someone starts to check their watch every two minutes the chances are they’re bored, so change the topic or bring the conversation to an end.
Personalise
Personalising
a conversation brings it down to an individual level and allows you
to build relationships much quicker than would otherwise be the case.
A great and simple way to do this is to frequently use the other person’s name during the conversation. Not only will this help you to remember it, it will make you seem friendly and genuinely interested.
Make sure however, to only use the name they introduce themselves with. This is most applicable for younger people talking to older or more senior people, who may prefer to be addressed as Mr. or Mrs.
You can also personalise a conversation by tailoring your style of language to match that of the person you’re speaking with. Care should be taken though, to not sound out of place. While joking and using slang can be a good icebreaker in the right setting, when your conversation partner is communicating with you formally, it’s polite to keep things at that level.
How to
disagree
Disagreement is as much an art as conversation
itself. We are all hard to deal with at times and we can be
particularly stubborn when our pride is at stake. Most people don’t
have a problem with admitting their mistakes or changing their mind,
but NO ONE likes to be told that they’re wrong.
When you disagree with someone, the trick is to disagree with the argument and not the person. To do this, first acknowledge the merit in what they’ve said by finding something that you do agree with. Then you can state your view without it sounding personal - for example, “I agree that something needs to be done about the high crime level, but I’m not so sure giving police broader powers is the right solution.” This focuses the discussion on the actual issue, rather than the person who made the comment.
The next step is to calmly explain your view and provide an alternate solution – for example, “The police already have a lot of discretion, but what they lack, in my view, are the numbers to adequately cover the region. If we increase the number of police, it would have the same impact as broadening their powers but with less change in the actual law.”
Handling disagreements in this manner gives both room to change their views without embarrassment.
As a general point, if you’ve only just met someone, there are certain topics which are best left alone; or at least until you’re better acquainted. Disagreements on things such as politics, religion, and finances are more likely to leave you with an enemy rather than a new friend - so pick your battles.
DATING
Overview
Dating
can be viewed as a way of “trying out” a relationship. It is the
idea of spending time with someone in order to determine whether an
initial level of attraction is deep enough so as to justify becoming
emotionally intimate.
Asking
someone out
Both men and women can ask each other out.
While the potential for rejection can seem daunting, there is really
nothing to lose - it all comes down to confidence. Try thinking about
the things you’re good at and the characteristics which other
people have admired about you.
Choosing the right moment is important, but never pass-up an opportunity to ask someone out because you don’t think the timing is quite right. Men and women have quite different ideas about what a clear signal of interest is, so whether you’re planning to ask them out or whether you’re hoping they will ask you out, it will only get harder the longer you wait.
Having a mutual friend to set you up can help, but make sure that you’re first introduced in a group situation to avoid the pressure of being two strangers trying to make conversation.
The simplest way to ask someone out yourself is to see if they would like to join you for coffee or a drink. Keep it casual so they don’t feel obliged to go if they don’t want to, and ask over text, email, or Facebook to avoid putting them on the spot. If they say yes, get their number and be prompt about actually setting up a time and place. If they say no, don’t make a big deal about it. Smile graciously and tell them that it’s no problem.
If someone asks you out and you’re really not interested, it is always better to say no than to play along and hurt their feelings later on down the track. Be considerate by letting them know quietly and be sure to tell them that you’re flattered that they asked. As long as your answer is clear, there is no harm in exaggerating how busy you are or how little free time you have.