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Before the dawn

©Wendy Maddocks 2011

Before the dawn

Smashwords edition

Copyright Wendy Maddocks 2011

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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Introduction

Has anyone ever noticed how much cooler everything is when you do it at night? There’s something about those hours of darkness that has always fascinated me. Magic, moonlight, mystery. All of those things are only really real when there’s no harsh light of day with its’ cruel and cold logic.

Have you ever been awake and staring out of your window at three in the morning when you know you should be asleep? It feels as though the rest of the world is sleeping and you’re the only one awake. Even if you’re surrounded by other people, you feel special – as if whatever you do now holds some air of secrecy because it is only worth doing wrapped in the blanket of night. You can do things – special dark things – and you can love people – people who live in the night... like you.

Stolen night

Velvet sunrise steals my spider dark night

As I haunt this hollow house

Screaming my misty spells

By silver candlelight

Shimmering in and out at silken will

Phantoms and ghosts from the grave

Words from beyond

Dark night

Silver-white shot peppers my midnight sky

Talcum powder shower in this dark night

Suddenly there is nowhere I can hide

Dying stars rain down on me I cry

Inside

Shadows come out at night to play

Black unseens spook around their graves

Far from starlit safety I have strayed

And I can’t hide although I’ve lost my way

Again

Straight from hell

Fires are roaring and the furies are raging

Somewhere in the tunnels a banshee is wailing

I swear in the darkness

I saw dead men parading

And have no respect for the live

In the darkest of shadows on the darkest of nights

There’s a gun in a hand, getting ready to fight

The sewers are crawling

Towards the home of the dead

And the sirens scream out their toll

White splits the night, a silver-black ghost

It screams down the road like a bat straight from hell

Running wild and free

Spewing flame from a barrel

Gunning like a bat straight from hell

The banshee wails on in the fires that surround

The sirens were too late to save the boy with the gun

He put a bullet in his head

And another in the ground

The dead men are rising again

Didn’t see the curve and went straight over the edge

Lying twisted and torn at the foot of a cliff

Bleeding to death and defeated

He saw his own heart rise from his chest

Screaming like a bat straight from hell

White roses

Red roses lost their colour

The rain washed it all away

And now the roses are white

From the cradle to the grave

And all that is in between

Colour is bleached by the rain

Beauty is bleached from roses

And they lie, white, on a stone

For the shadow lasts longer

Than the whole

Sailor to a siren

You mustn’t

You shouldn’t

But you know you will

I know you will

I picked you out in the crowd

It wasn’t hard

Them – heaving, shouting

You – tranquil, serene

Glowing like a bright beacon

Of tarnished purity

Shining like a wave on the water

Come tell me what you’ve done

Confess all your sins

Renew your vows

But you know you will break them

You shouldn’t follow me

Or obey my commands

But you can’t help yourself

The lights are seductively low

But I can see you

You can’t hide

You don’t want to hide

Look at the moon-kissed sky

Yes

You are outside now

Under the darkness

I did not demand you come

Free will did

And you listened to it

As you will to me

You come to me

Like sand to the shore

Breath to the bones

Rolling

And flowing

And now I see how you remind me

Of the sea

Somewhere

Where feet wade through blood

Where hands claw for air

Where eyes close in hate

Where guns draw their fate

Where nerves are on edge

Where bombs are the norm

Where innocents have bled

Where angels fear to tread

Where graves are three deep

Where children are armed

Where soldiers are scared

Where ‘goodbye’ is prepared

Where skin tears by knife

Where screams fill the air

Where the darkness is bliss

Where the living’s just this

Where pain is the peace

Where death is release

Black velvet

And looming before me

Like the darkness of the grave

Is the shadow of death

The shadow is not welcomed

But nor is it feared

It is soft and black like velvet

And breaks my fall

I do not run to it with open arms

Though I embrace it like sleep

Sleep that will keep me

For ever

Darkness is growing

Enveloping me in its’ comfortable grasp

There is no escape from

The final sleep

I accept the shadow of death

And the sleep it provides

But it offers no rest

For never

My cradle is my grave

And it holds me

No saviour will come to my rescue

But I don’t need saving

Lying here still

In my bed of plush velvet

Did no-one tell you…

I’m just sleeping

2 a.m. at the dirt track with Jim

I hear motorcycles

Grinding away at their dirty

Oily passions

And the satisfied purr of completion

Petrol fumes and

Speed

Nothing better than that

Gnawing into a body with silky

Silver phantom bike

Growling

Craving ever more

Than it can ever be given

Anger and greasy moans and

Tyre tracks

Roars of rapid, fleeting

Pleasure

And broken hearts

Hiding in the night

All around, the cold night air falls

And I’m afraid to break the silence

In these same four walls

The still night surrounds us

There is no escape

So surrender to the darkness

Surrender to fate

And the purpose of the darkness is to drive us all wild

Till I find myself hiding in your arms like a child

And all that’s around us is so cool and still

And it feels like forever tonight

So give yourself to me

Sacrifice your free will

Till everything evil just falls out of sight

In the silence, one heart beats loudly

In the stillness, one soul is not calm

Safe in this one room

The cold does not touch us

And we hear no stories of doom

Lonely is the night-time

But worse is the day

For the darkness conceals the pain

It’s been a long night tonight, too long

Silent and tranquil and dark

And your arms held me strong as dusk deepened to black

Something about this peace time is wrong

Sweet revenge

Find another hundred ways to make me bleed

And I’ll find a hundred more to hurt you

I spill red when you cut me

My bones splinter when you break them

So I press charges

Or key your car

I stain the carpet crimson

But I’m not cleaning it

Well, you’re the one with the knife

You call the carpet cleaners

I bruise too easy and deep

You tell me to cover them up

But I like this kaleidoscope of colours

Like when I torched your clothes

Now

You still planning to hurt me?

Twisted

It was over a long time ago

Only I didn’t want to believe it

So I kept sleeping with him

Telling him I loved him

I even wore his ring

And it didn’t even sting

Never thought it’d be this easy to lie

Always imagined I’d feel worse

But it’s more of a blessing than a curse

Love doesn’t mean anything

It’s only a word we used to know

So I can say it

I can maintain the twisted truth

Always preferred it twisted

More fun to straighten it out

‘Cos I don’t have to know what I’m talking about

Phantom

The night she died, it was dark

It was hot too

The middle of summer, in fact

It was midnight

Thunder clouds rolling overhead

The rain held off

But the tyres didn’t grip

Silver ghost bike

Speeding through each bend and curve

Silver ghost bike

With a silver ghost girl

I shall wake

One day

I know

I shall wake from this dream

I shall shake myself from this slumber

Oh, how I wish

I was just sleeping

That I could still be that safe

This is no dream

Still, I shall wake from it

With silent fright

I know

I shall make no sound

Noise escapes me

I am not sleeping

Or breathing

Just dreaming

And

One day, I shall wake

At the end of the tunnel

My world gets so dark

Sometimes

It gets hard to see the light

And then I have to wonder

If there’s even any light left

The dark goes on so far

My eyes seem to have adjusted

To the black

But I still can’t find the light

Is it still out there?

When we sleep

The whole world is burning

Orange and golden flames light up

A dark night sky

Stars are exploding

Into millions of sparking splinters

And the howls of the fires hang like

The agonised power chords

Of bleeding guitars

Sirens scream through the night

Begging to be heard

As tears run in rivers

For those who danced with the devil

The whole world is burning

For all you know

You’re the only one left alive

What are you gonna do?

My own flames

Wish I could say sorry

Or forgive me my sins

But I’m not sorry

And I don’t seek forgiveness

I’m twisted

And wicked

And consumed by the flames

Of my own creation

I’m an abomination

Or so society says

And who am I to argue?

Hell, I argue it

All the time

Defending my crime

I’m happy

And warped

But lost in the confusion

In which I live

Learning not to give

I’m genetically screwed

Not what they expect

Smart

Funny

Determined

Happy

Independent

Insane

Engulfed in my own flames

Wish I could say sorry

But I don’t like lying

Princess of nightmares

The armies of darkness

They give and they take

The soldiers of sleep-time

They scream and they shake

The princess of nightmares

And she will awake

Awake into darkness

She blends and she fades

A shadow in shadows

She smiles at her trade

A life in the light

For a life in the shade

The princess, she tells us

We’ll die in our dreams

So dark and demonic

She sings and she screams

The hush

I see the darkness

And behind the shadows

I hear the silence

And under the whispers

You’re still here with me

Watching me

Saving me

Leaving me

The ghosts of your laughter

A phantom settles

Into a silver silhouette

You were pushed before you fell

To this quiet place

Where you call my name

Silently

It grows darker

And the shadows lengthen

You chase them away

The coldness comes

And your phantom freezes

Noiseless

Motionless

You’re still here

I see beyond the darkness

You are in the shadows

I hear beyond the silence

You are all the whispers

Nocturnal pleasure

Engines purring for greasy passions

In dirty back alleys

Beautiful in the afterglow of

The need for speed

Motorbikes breeding by night

Growling to be pushed

To work the throttle a little harder

They’re not built for comfort

They were built for speed

In the shadows

The shadows are coming

And they’re growing large enough

To swallow me

Things used to hide in them

Now nothing does

Sometimes everything does

Ready to pounce and tear me apart

Like the beast

Most things are too scared of

What might already be there

Something darker

Something deeper

Than the superficial ebony flashes

The shadows want me to join them

To be black and hateful

And unable to claw mw escape

Yet, I refuse the offer of the shadow

Unwilling to join the beast

Running from its blood red gift

Drawn to the light

But the shadows are coming

Splinters

My childhood has shattered into splinters

Of memories

And pieces of dreams

It is as it must be

And it should now be broken

Away from the horrors and terrors

And nightmares best unspoken

Flashbacks to times once lived

Bring out the worst of the bad

Times when I dreamed of fortune and fame

And freedom from the one I call Dad

Now the splinters are buried deep

And all ties are being severed

But the price for that gift is steep

My youth must be shunned

With savage abandon

Running from cover

Running from home

A child no longer – no illusions

Shatter-proof dreams

Spider-webbed thoughts of what if…

Ruby red

The sun has set

The moon will rise

His time has come

He fills the night with their screams

Of agony and ecstasy

Until they can scream no more

Nor walk in the sun

He tears at their throats

Drinks deep

Bathes long in the ruby red

Of the willing

And the not

He catches them all in his eyes

Lets them drown in them

Holds them under

Until he smells

The stench of the desperate

He tastes and bites and drinks

Running his river of blood

That never runs dry

He kills some and feeds on more

Takes his fill

Ripping at tender flesh

Watches it spark like liquid jewel

Grinning dark

He knows life once more

Star of night

Star of fire

Star of ice

Star of silence

Star of night

In the night sky, only silver should shine

Pure and unpolluted – the most revered of times

But the night can be anything

You want it to be

The stars can show you anything

That you want to see

Hundreds and thousands

Of these tiny, twinkling lights

Trying to hide in the blackness

Trying not to bite

Not to bite and swallow

And feed on the life

The souls that survive on the night

Night brings the chaos

Stars bring the calm

Night gets corrupted

Stars hide the storm

Star of fortune

Star of fate

Star of innocence

Star – too late

A Walk in the Park

The moonlight threw silver

Threads through the dark

What a beautiful night

For a walk in the park

The lake shines so brightly

That reflections are clear

Please don’t blemish this night

With one slow, painful tear

No sound in the air

But the wind in the trees

The birds, they all wait

For the deep, winter freeze

A shriek cracks the calm

A girl screaming ‘PLEASE!’

There is silence again

The plea is forgot

Moonlit calmness returns

Stars like white shot

The lake does seem blacker

Filled with oil or blood

A deader time of night

That’s normal and good

Nothing to disturb the

Tranquillity of dark

It’s a beautiful night

For a walk in the park

Death penalty

In my dreams, I’m dying

And I don’t want to wake

Heaven can take me now

Or let me burn me Hell

And I will not complain

Drowning in guilty seas

Because I killed a man

All the lives I have saved

And I make this mistake

It lies heavy against them

And I can’t even the score

In the night, it haunts me

His broken body’s ghost

Maybe I deserve to die

To lose what I’ve taken

But I always wake up

And find I am punished

I am sentenced to life

Hiding in the night

All around, the cold night air falls

And I’m afraid to break the silence

In these same four walls

The still night surrounds us

There is no escape

So surrender to the darkness

Surrender to fate

And the purpose of the darkness is to drive us all wild

Till I find myself hiding in your arms like a child

And all that’s around us is so cool and still

And it feels like forever tonight

So give yourself to me

Sacrifice your free will

Till everything evil just falls out of sight

In the silence, one heart beats loudly

In the stillness, one soul is not calm

Safe in this one room

The cold does not touch us

And we hear no stories of doom

Lonely is the night-time

But worse is the day

For the darkness conceals the pain

It’s been a long night tonight, too long

Silent and tranquil and dark

And your arms held me strong as dusk deepened to black

Something about this peace time is wrong

Misery

Misery found a friend in me

And now

It’s the only one I can rely on

There used to be others

But they all left

And misery stayed here for me

She is grey and empty

And everywhere

She is in my every breath

And in everything I do

Death is not good enough for misery

She wants life to corrupt

To corrode and decay

My silence is too loud for her

So misery tolls a bell

Misery fills your every space

And soon you forget

There was ever anything else

She’s all I’ve got now

All I’ll ever have

I shall wake

One day

I know

I shall wake from this dream

I shall shake myself from this slumber

Oh, how I wish

I was just sleeping

That I could still be that safe

This is no dream

Still, I shall wake from it

With silent fright

I know

I shall make no sound

Noise escapes me

I am not sleeping

Or breathing

Just dreaming

And

One day, I shall wake

Cheated

What did she tell you and how did she know?

Where have you been?

Did she let you touch her?

Why didn’t she fight?

When did it start and where will it end?

How far and how did it feel?

Where did she take you and what did you do?

When were you winning?

Did you think you could lose?

How did she reach you?

Where did you meet her and when will you leave?

Who knows and who will get hurt?

What did you whisper and what did it mean?

Who made the first move?

How long did it last?

Where did you go?

Why was it her and why was it you?

What was it worth and what did it cost?

Cold night

I cowered alone

In my room that cold night

Mommy was drunk again

And Daddy – he’d cry

I prayed for somebody to care

I wished I had died

In my room that cold night

There were no tears or blood

Just the silence of rage

I tried to tell them it’s not fair

I wanted to stay

In my room that cold night

Away from my parents

The destruction they made

I didn’t have the tears to spare

Everyone dies

In a world where everyone dies

And the air is full of a million goodbyes

There’s blood on your hands

But you don’t understand

When you can see Armageddon coming

And all you do is keep on running, running

Calling your enemies your friends

Don’t know who to defend

Yet another child gets blown away

A midnight sky promises a darker day

Pray to a God who isn’t there

Learning life isn’t fair

‘Cos everyone dies

Tonight

Breathing space

She can beg for her world to fall away

She can plead for it to be over

While the walls are crashing in

She can listen to them laughing

And saying it’s fine

She can see the child smile without knowing

Or the old woman cry because she does

The last ashes are black and cold

The fire burnt out

And the party, the noise, the craze

People pulling her this way and that

It all fades away

And there is room to breathe

At last

To breathe

For the future

You held me tight

Said you’d never let me go

And we ran

Oh, God, we raced

Like there were raving wolves at our feet

Then you looked away

Up to the sky

The past like a ghost in your face

Your face like a ghost in mine

And the future...

The future is our ambition

As we skirt its edges and fall

Forward like a feathery domino

With you still holding me

Clumsy but sure

Like an ape holds a teacup

And I watch you

Watching me

Watching the sky like a searchlight

Austria nights

The trees at my window

So dark and so dense

I wish my angel was here

Without it I’m so tense

I can hear the dark thing

it will hear my heart sing

and I rush to meet it

with open arms I greet it

the blackness is out there

waiting to play

just running and hiding

away from the day

something undefined

shadows designed

target assigned

it fails to break the curtain of dawn

biding hours for night

stalking hunting chasing

on the edge of sight

Torn to shreds

There’s no name for it

No cure for it

No healing

The feeling inside

Only it’s getting out now

And tracking you down

But you run and it always catches you

Always tears you into shreds

And then hungry dogs, mad dogs, rabid dogs

Dogs with too many teeth

Rip you up, rip you down and

Have their way with you.

Fragment

I remember the hero of the dream

Slipping, floating away

With nothing but ‘save me’

For a hero of the dark

Is now nought but a memory

A fragment of a last wish

Forgotten

I remember the hero of the dream

He does not remember me

Unfinished

Even numbers, odd words

Logic and imagination

A head and a heart

And only one can win

The brightest, loudest, fastest

Thoughts

The boldest, angriest, quickest

Beats

All connecting, sparking, flashing

In a head and a heart

That pump and pulse

The black door

If eyes show you everything

Like a door into me

I’ll close it just to save you

All the things you won’t see

Don’t turn away

Don’t forget me

Don’t hold too tight

And don’t forgive me

Can’t remember how it feels

Without you

Lost in the coldness, softness

Beneath darkness

Come swim in the lake

Bathe

Float

Splash in it

Try for the bottom

Beneath dark surfaces

And water so dark and

Darker and deep

It could be should be death

Be careful

Not to drown in it

Not to slip into the sea-glass

And be lost to it

A thankful of time

But you don’t have to stay

By a blank lake

A mirror

That only reflects real things

It chokes

Chokes and clogs and

Pulls you under

Because it will only be happy with you

So swim in the lake

Gasp

Fight

Thrash in it

The last time

I remember what it felt like

To dance in the rain

I remember what it felt like

To sing in the sun

I remember what it felt like

When he called my name

I remember what it felt like

To laugh for the fun

But that was so long ago

I drowned in the ashes

And rose from the flames

Too strong to be restrained

I played and ran and twirled

But that’s not my world

Not now

I remember the last time

My legs let me jump

I think I was touching the sky

I remember the last time

These nerves were alive

I see with my third eye

I remember the last time

This body worked as it should

But that was so long ago

Love and leave

At the edge of tomorrow

And the brink of the end

I’ll say we’re forever

‘Cos I have to pretend

I’ll tell you it’s okay

And I’ll make myself smile

Like the world won’t fall away

If you stay for a while

These chains can be broken

And clocks can be turned

I think this is the price

For the passions we burned

I’ll watch you and hold you

But I can’t live on sparks

So I’ll say we’re forever

As I leave you to the dark

Withdrawal

Oh, I can’t remember

The last time

You hurt me

And I can’t defend her

For what she’s done

And you are the dark need

That creeps through my soul tonight

Consumes me so sweetly

Completely

On, I can’t remember

Kill me and I’ll come back to life

For you

Stab me and I’ll rip out the knife

For you

But I can’t defend her

Long tunnel

There was darkness

And I walked toward it

There was redness

And I turned from it

There was lightness

And it raced toward me

As I raced away

I was standing still

Still racing

Light that longs to expose me

Burning shadow away

The planets are still

Still turning

Into flames that will brand me

Keeping people away

Nothing can be still

Still walking

Towards night that never comes

Hiding darkness away

Let it come for me

And it will eat me

Let me run from it

And it will chase me

Let me stand still for it

And it will stop

As I walk away

Fantasy forever

I dream of a million mirrors

Of broken windows

And open doors

And a mad genie in a jukebox

I dream of a thousand black flames

Of swimming pools

And puddles

And the gypsies that curse them

I dream of a dozen passions

Of shattered pleasures

And promises

And a mad man with a gun

I dream an endless craze

An endless poison

An endless acid

Ashen demons rise up

Paper phantoms wait

Insane angels dance

Endlessly