Semicolons and Colons: A Guide for the 21st Century
By
Lenny Everson
rev
1
Copyright Lenny Everson 2011
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It is probably just as well that I remember so little of my days at the Ontario high school I attended. True, some traumas like calculus came in later educational institutions, but that place laid its own scars upon my soul.
And yet, even though semicolons figure prominently in one of these, it was not semicolons themselves that caused me any lack of sleep. It was, rather, commas.
At the end of grade 13 (yes, Ontario had a grade 13 at the time) there were final exams to be written. They were sent off to Toronto to be marked. One’s whole year’s credit in any subject was based upon that exam. And one needed to pass English to get out of that school. Oh, Lord, I wanted to get out of that school.
Which brings us to the commas. (Bear with me; we’ll get to the semicolons in a moment.) We were told – and we believed everything in those days – that, regardless of how correct and brilliant our answers on our English exam might be, if one made three “major grammatical errors”, well, it was game over. One repeated grade 13 English the next year.
Most of these major grammatical errors were things that were obvious. But not the dreaded, so-easily made, “comma splice”.
Here’s a sentence with a comma splice in it:
I should not have tried to leap the ditch, it was just too wide.
What is wrong with the line above is that there are actually two sentences in it, joined by a comma. So easily done; so hard to notice in a desk in a gym under the stern gaze of a half-dozen teachers.
I could correctly have written: I should not have tried to leap the ditch, because it was just too wide.
I could correctly have written: I should not have tried to leap the ditch. It was just too wide.
Or I could correctly have written: I should not have tried to leap the ditch; it was just too wide.
And that’s the point. The semicolon allows a mere human to join two sentences that could have happily lived apart. It’s an underhanded and sneaky way to get away with the grammatical equivalent of gene splicing.
That’s not the only use of semicolons, but it’s the only interesting one; the other uses (which I’ll tell you about in a bit) are dull enough to have Snow White reaching for another bite of that apple.
About now, you’re wondering just how important semicolons are.
Well, they’re not. They’re just a convenience. Nobody’s going to hang you for a comma splice. You can leave semicolons out of your life and people will still understand your sentences, even if they have to read them a few times. Commas can change civilization. Commas are like royalty. Semicolons are like the guy who lives in a small apartment and still thinks he’s smarter than anybody else.
I asked a friend of mine what he thought of semicolons. By email, of course (I’m a bit unsociable most of the time).
He wrote back. “I thought about it for a minute; nothing comes to mind.”
In other words, he correctly used a semicolon while at the same time denying that he could find any use for one. Smartass.
He could have written:
I thought about it for a minute, but nothing came to mind.
He could have written:
I thought about it for a minute. Nothing came to mind.
He could have written:
Although I thought about it for a minute, nothing came to mind.
But he didn’t. He had to be a smartass. A semicolon smartass. There are a lot of those in this world….
I asked another friend, a professional writer, what she thought about semicolons. She wrote back:
Semicolons are useful sometimes but I hardly ever use them. When you need to use a semicolon, your sentence is probably too long.
Even Such as I
Talk about being overtrained…. I entered a portable toilet in Maine, once. Posted on the back wall was a sign that had once said, “PLEASE CLOSE LIDS BEFORE LEAVING IT HELPS CONTROL ODORS”.
There’s a rule for signs: “It has become acceptable to ignore bad punctuation in signs unless the sign is then incomprehensible”. The sign was grammatically incorrect but anyone could figure out what it meant. However, someone had added a comma after “LEAVING”.
This created an evil (and smelly) comma splice. I could not leave it. I changed the comma to a semicolon. Things were better; what a relief! For the grammar world and my own colon.
A Lesson Anyway
Now I’m going to give you a lesson, anyway. So you can be a smartass, too.
Here’s a thought. A perfectly fine thought in three sentences.
I’m not much like my brother. I’m a genius. He’s an idiot.
Note that the last two sentences are very similar in structure. This is where a smartass gets into action. He says those two sentences belong together like Romeo and Juliet. So he joins them:
I’m not much like my brother. I’m a genius; he’s an idiot.
That’s the main purpose of semicolons, according to the Smartass Department. They can join sentences that are not quite deserving of being separate. Maybe semicolons can be thought of as duct tape for joining sentences. They certainly have no status higher than that.
The sentence could also have been written:
I’m not much like my brother; I’m a genius but he’s an idiot.
I don’t think anything has been gained by that. People who have shortcomings in other areas like longer sentences, I find.
No English-speaking nation on earth has passed a law banning the use of two (yes, two) semicolons in a sentence like the one above, but I won’t even show you. You could cause an Angel to lose his wings by doing something like that. Possibly a tsunami in Kansas.
The Grammar Angel Loses a Wing
Another Use for Semicolons
People with half their colons removed are walking around with semicolons, but that’s not what I want to talk about right now.
Consider the following pair of sentences:
My brother bought a Nigerian hair-restoration formula. However, most of the new hair growth was in his ears.
Those are two perfectly good sentences. So, of course, the Smartass Urge overcomes some people, and they whip out a semicolon:
My brother bought a Nigerian hair-restoration formula; however, most of the new hair growth was in his ears.
Now we’ve made two sentences into one, using a semicolon.
I can be done so it is done; nonetheless, like naming your son, “Algernon”, we don’t recommend it.
The words most commonly used in this construction include however, accordingly, besides, consequently, furthermore, likewise, moreover, nevertheless, nonetheless, otherwise, therefore.
Remember, it works only when both sentences can exist on their own. (Perhaps they should exist only on their own. Once you start down this path of gluing sentences together, you’ll end up using words like “hence” or “thus”, which puts you onto a road you don’t want to explore. Trust me.)
Another Use for the Common Semicolon
Have a look at the following sentence.
When my brother planned his wedding, he wanted to invite his aunts Betty, Celine, and Doreen, his sisters Evelyn and Fatima, his cousins Gord, Harry, Iggy, Jack, and Kevin, as well as his cat, Testicle, and his dog Spleen.
There’s a school of thought says that people who try to figure out this sentence will have a hard time (personally, it seems fine to me). The theory is that the reader will get lost in the commas, miss a grouping somewhere, and have to read it more than once. Is that so big a crime? Have people no patience nowadays?
The solution, according to the people who object, is to use a colon to introduce the list and semicolons to break up the groupings.
When my brother planned his wedding, he wanted to invite: his aunts Betty, Celine, and Doreen; his sisters Evelyn and Fatima; his cousins Gord, Harry, Iggy, Jack, and Kevin; as well as his cat, Testicle, and his dog Spleen.
Well, whoop-de-doo, as Archie Bunker used to say. It does help. But lets take a lesson from the marines, and use bullets instead. They take up more space, but they’re so very, very clear:
When my brother planned his wedding, he wanted to invite:
his aunts Betty, Celine, and Doreen
his sisters Evelyn and Fatima
his cousins Gord, Harry, Iggy, Jack, and Kevin
his cat, Testicle, and his dog Spleen.
And that’s about it for semicolons. You can live your whole life without using a semicolon in anything but an emoticon. Which I don’t want to talk about.
Colons
When I started this, I said, “Colons are a lot easier than semicolons; they’re also a lot more useful.”
Wow, was I optimistic. I’ll start you off easy, then we’ll drift into the part where the rules wander into that dark borderland between logic and outright silliness.
Introducing a List
Here’s how to picture a colon. A guy is standing on a stage, and he’s about to list what he’d take with him if his place were on fire and he had only time to rescue five things.
He says, “I’d take…” Then he pauses, rolls his eyes up, and starts counting on his fingers. “My cat and my dog. My Mad Magazine collection. My laptop. And, of course, my signed spaghetti-monster poster!”
The point where he pauses to make sure he’s got the list right is the colon point. He would rescue the following items: his cat, his dog, his Mad Magazine collection, his laptop, and his signed spaghetti-monster poster.
A colon is the “wait for it…” pause that comes just before a list. It’s always best to prepare people buy saying that the list “will include the following”, “includes the following item,”, “is made up of the following”, or something like that. Colons are very formal items; they appreciate an introduction. Actually, they’re really in love with introductions.
And yes, you could use bullets just as easily.
He would rescue the following items:
his cat
his dog
his Mad Magazine collection
his laptop
his signed spaghetti-monster poster
A Note About Bulleted Lists
There are places that insist each item on a bulleted list begin with a capital letter. There are places that insist that each item end with a period. There are places that omit the colon before bulleted items.
DO WHATEVER SEEMS STANDARD AT THE PLACE YOU’RE AT. Bulleted lists are the Wild West; obey whoever thinks they have the rules. Bulleted lists are not worth taking a bullet for.
If you make up your own rules, don’t say I didn’t warn you. But be consistent in a list and in the document at hand.
To Continue with Introducing a List
There seem to be some people that have a problem with the question, “What is a proper introduction for a colon?”
Nobody, it seems has a problem with the following sentence:
We recommend the following pets: cats, small yippy dogs, and the Tasmanian Devil.
It’s got a decent introduction.
And nobody seems to have a problem with the following sentence:
For pets, we recommend cats, small yippy dogs, and the Tasmanian Devil.
Since the sentence has a natural flow. There’s no need for the pause that requires a colon. Heck, a colon after “recommend” would leave the words “For pets, we recommend” as the introduction. And that isn’t a complete sentence.
Grammarians want a complete sentence before a colon. They do.
Look at the following:
Road-kill animals I prefer to eat include skunks, toads, and chipmunks.
Apparently it’s a no-no to put a colon after “include” in the sentence above. But you have to put one after “include” in the sentence below:
Road-kill animals I prefer to eat include the following: skunks, toads, and chipmunks.
Grammarians feel that “Road-kill animals I prefer to eat include the following” is a complete sentence, and so a colon after “following” is considered good form but “Road-kill animals I prefer to eat include” is not a complete sentence so you can’t use a colon after it.
Well there’s a difference between a grammatically complete sentence and a logical sentence.
Let’s get real here, folks. If you want to learn the rules, get a grammar book and learn the rules. Just remember the name of that book – they don’t all agree and you may have to raise your voice a bit and quote the name of the book, along with the publishing date and the revision level.
But heck! If you violate the rules, INTERPOL will not order your arrest. SWAT teams will not rappel down from black helicopters. Really. Colon abuse is so common that the person who uses colons correctly will probably get knighted or stuffed into Guantanamo on suspicion, depending on the day. You could be considered a saint or a nutcase (choose to be a nutcase; they end up better).
Have you read the comment sections on web pages? Those people must think any talk about grammar and colons means the old lady they’ve got locked in the attic needs her laxative dose decreased.
Don’t worry! Be happy!
Capitals after Colons
Are you really sure you want to continue? It gets worse, you know….
Sometimes, you see, the part after the colon needs to start with a capital letter. Here’s an obvious one:
I give you a list of my brother’s favourite hobbies: Tammy, Brenda, Allison, and collecting freshwater mussels.
Since “Tammy” starts with a capital T, there’s no reason to change this. Anything that would normally start with a capital letter does so after a colon. If his hobbies were coins, bills, and stealing credit cards, you wouldn’t capitalize “coins”.
There’s another reason to use a capital after a colon: that’s when there are two or more complete sentences after the colon.
Here are the three steps you should follow after being bitten by a Massasauga rattlesnake: Put a tourniquet tightly around your neck. Stagger around while turning blue. Fall over.
You also use a capital after a colon if you’re going to use a quotation.
Here’s one of my sister’s favourite lines about men: “Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.”
After the above rules, grammarians differ. You shouldn’t. Follow this rule: If the part that follows a colon can exist as a complete and independent sentence, then start it with a capital letter.
Guess what: Your boss rules the rules.
Here’s what you’re going to do: You’re going to throw that computer into the garbage bin.
Smartass people might want to put a semicolon in there and do without the colon. However, the part before the colon is a genuine introductory sentence that needs something to follow. Remember: If it’s been introduced, it likes a colon.
Other Colon Rules
Here are a few more rules for using colons.
You use a colon after the salutation in a business letter.
TO: The Prime Minister of Canada
Dear Prime Minister:
You are an idiot.
You use a colon in a script.
PRIME MINISTER: Has the Right
Honourable leader of the opposition considered taking at least a
night course in economics?
LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION: Does the
Right Honourable Prime Minister know that he’s an idiot?
SPEAKER:
Order! Order in the House!
A colon separates time into hours and minutes and a book from its subtitle.
At 3:34:12, Little Johnny finished reading “Rascals and Idiots: A Guide to Canada’s Prime Ministers”.
When internet addresses were made up, a colon was used, for no good reason that I know of. And then there are smiley-face emoticons. Which I don’t wish to talk about.
Finally (even if there are a bunch of uses I’ve overlooked), the colon is used in definitions.
Professor: someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
***END***
For comments, email lennypoet@hotmail.ca
This
document was produced with the generous support of Gordon Varney of
Paris, Patron of the Arts.
On Tuesday, August 23, he bought me
lunch at the Mongolian Grill in Waterloo.