Discovering Awareness
A Guide to Inner Peace, Strength and Freedom
Tony DSouza
Bud
Wonsiewicz
BROADBAND LIVING PRESS
Copyright © 2006 Tony D’Souza and Bud Wonsiewicz
All rights reserved.
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Designed by Ann W. Douden
Cover photograph by Michelle Maloy Dillon, MMD Photography
Packaged by Betsy R. Armstrong
Library of Congress Control Number: 2006935677
ISBN 978-0-9790304-0-6
Broadband Living Press
A division of Broadband Living Unlimited LLC
www.BroadbandLiving.org
A set of audio guided meditations,
Discovering
Awareness: Guided Meditations,
is
available at www.BroadbandLiving.org
For more information about Broadband Living
Press,
contact info@BroadbandLiving.org
All net income from this book will be donated to charity.
Dedication
We dedicate this book to those who helped form us,
particularly
Fr. Anthony De Mello, S. J.,
mentor, guide and friend.
Acknowledgments
The authors wish to thank Fr. Robert de Rouen, S.J., who introduced Tony D’Souza to the people of Denver and to Ann Connor, David Connor, Tom Lundstrom, Harv Bishop and many others who made it possible for Tony to regularly visit the United States and develop his ideas there. Special thanks for hospitality are due to the Xavier Center Jesuits who provided a home in Denver and supported Tony’s programs. The support and encouragement of the leaders of the Bombay Jesuit province is deeply and gratefully acknowledged.
Frank Stroud, Dottie Rossi, Lynn Streeter, Catherine Bauer, Janet Dean, Harv Bishop, Denis Rodrigues, Toti Martinez, Sandra Ebling, David Connor, Vaughn Smith, Andy Bryner and Alice Levine each read the manuscript and provided thoughtful comments and criticism for which we are very grateful. Martin Wonsiewicz gave invaluable advice and encouragement based on his editorial and publishing experience. Special thanks are due to Marie Wonsiewicz who read and critiqued innumerable drafts and to Betsy Armstrong who guided us through to publication.
Finally, in awareness and gratitude, we salute the many teachers, coaches, friends and colleagues who have helped us understand life more deeply. We hope to pass their gift of awareness and understanding on to others so that we may all contribute to a society based on trust, peace and mutual understanding.
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Authors’ Note
Introduction
Suggestions for Using This Book
Part One
Becoming Aware
Chapter 1: Quest
Chapter 2: Truth
Chapter 3: Awareness
Chapter 4: Fear
Part Two
Coming Home to Our
True Self
Chapter 5: The False Self
Chapter 6: The True Self
Chapter 7: The Larger Self
Chapter 8: A Psychospiritual Framework
Part Three
Applications to
Everyday Life
Chapter 9: Person and Behavior
Chapter 10: Labels, Roles and Identity
Chapter 11: Relationships
Frequently Asked Questions
Additional Resources
Appendix 1: Guided Meditations
Appendix 2: Summary of Key Points
Index
Exercises
What Do I Want?
Awareness of the Breath
Body Awareness
Awareness of Sounds
Messages
Exploring My Influences
Discovering Beliefs
Coming Home A—Experiencing Myself as I Am
Coming Home B—Experiencing Myself as I Am
Using Awareness to Deal with Past Negative Experiences
Separating Behavior and Judgment
Exploring Our Criteria
Exploring Our Labels
Exploring How I Label Others
Coming Home to Love
AUTHORS’ NOTE
Why would an Indian Jesuit and a retired American high-tech executive write a book together? We collaborate because we want to distill two lifetimes of seeking into a simple practical book that all can read and put into practice. Tony has worked bringing education and better nutrition to the slum children of Mumbai (Bombay), treating the mentally ill and training young professionals. Bud has spent a lifetime building creative high-tech organizations. By using the tools we describe in this book, we have discovered a base of inner peace, strength and freedom, which helps us live simpler, more powerful lives. We find it easier to be productive. We find it easier to be happy with our lives and the world around us.
The book is based on a ten-day retreat Tony D’ Souza conducted from the Jesuit Retreat House in Bandra, a suburb of Mumbai, India. Thousands have attended his retreats there, across India, and around the world. Tony’s mentor and spiritual advisor for many years was Tony De Mello, author of Awareness, The Way to Love, Sadhana, One Minute Nonsense and many other well-loved books. Bud Wonsiewicz collaborated with Tony to organize and write this book. His contributions are those of a student attempting to practice these skills in everyday life. Bud is a former assistant professor of materials science at M.I.T. and a senior technical executive in the telecommunications industry.
Generally, the voice speaking should be taken as Tony’s. However, both authors take full responsibility for the contents of the book.
Introduction
My brothers and sisters,
we must become what we already
are.
One.
—Thomas Merton
Within each of us lives great spiritual strength. Think of Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Mother Teresa. Each epitomized strength; each drew strength from resources within; each brought peace to a troubled world. Many of us seek inner peace and strength. Many of us wish to bring peace to our families, our work, our world.
We offer a practical way to tap into and grow your inner resources. The way is simple but not easy. The exercises in this book can help you develop the basic skill of awareness—a profound awareness of yourself and others. You may find yourself growing stronger every day. You may experience the inner peace that brings profound joy and liberation.
The ideas are based on ancient wisdom common to the great religions of the world. Mystics of all faiths share a common ground across faith, geography and time. Most likely, the common ground reflects our common biological heritage and evolution as humans. Our meditation techniques are similar in part because our minds and brains are similar.
The scientific understanding of the mind-brain-body connection is rapidly expanding. Various clinical studies show a connection between meditation and improved wellness, in particular a stronger immune response and relief from depression.
The practices contained in this book can help you develop the skills to cope with many of the emotional problems of everyday life with the exception of serious trauma and phobias. By increasing your awareness, that is, your ability to observe situations clearly, you gain insight into emotionally charged events. By increasing your capacity for compassion for yourself and for others, emotional conflict can be drained out of these situations. Health, both physical and emotional, is one reason to practice awareness.
Another reason to practice awareness is to develop a deeper spirituality, sometimes called mysticism. Our simple definition of mysticism is the ability to see life as it really is or, alternatively, to see ourselves as we really are. We can restate the definition from a deist vantage: Mysticism is the ability to see ourselves as God sees us.
You do not have to believe in God to practice awareness or to gain its benefits. It is not necessary or helpful to change religious or spiritual beliefs. As Thich Nhat Hahn points out, trees do better if not uprooted. If you are a Christian, you do well to use these practices to deepen your practice of Christianity. Likewise if you are a Jew, Muslim, Hindu or Buddhist, you do well to keep your roots.
Read this book with an open heart and mind, and it will draw you along the path of Truth. You will begin to see yourself as you really are rather than how you wish or fear you are. You will begin to see others in the same light, and your compassion for all will grow.
Suggestions for using This Book
The exercises, which follow every chapter, are the heart of the book. They are designed to build your spiritual strength. Like many other skills, you learn about meditation and awareness by doing.
Practice, Practice, Practice.
The book is short enough to be read at a single sitting, but we don’t think you will get much out of reading it that way. It is structured to serve as a guide and coach for a lifetime practice of awareness and compassion. You might try working on a chapter per week, taking plenty of time to repeat the exercises until you feel comfortable. For a more intense experience, you could follow the pace of the ten-day retreat, work on a chapter a day. Do a mid-morning and mid-afternoon meditation session.
The books format lends itself to easy use by established meditation, contemplation or prayer groups. Groups that meet weekly may wish to focus on one chapter per week and incorporate the exercise into their established practice.
As you become familiar with the exercises and the skills they build, you may want to incorporate some in your daily practice:
Any of the Awareness exercises from Chapters 2 and 3.
Either of the Coming Home exercises from Chapters 6 and 7.
Using Awareness to Deal with Past Negative Experiences from Chapter 8.
Coming Home to Love from Chapter 11.
If you find yourself depressed or angry, try returning to the exercises in this list. Anger and depression can be great opportunities for spiritual growth. Awareness is the tool for that growth. If I am angry with someone and blaming them for my troubles, I turn to Using Awareness to Deal with Past Negative Experiences. I usually wind up smiling or laughing within a few minutes.
You may also wish to add the recorded guided meditations appropriate for each chapter (see Appendix 1: Guided Meditations). We caution against using these guided meditations until you feel comfortable doing the awareness exercises on your own. Guided meditations are a nice addition; the exercises are essential.
Part One
Becoming Aware
Chapter 1
Quest
You begin building spiritual strength by asking the basic questions: What am I looking for? Where am I going? What do I really want?
Most mornings, evenings, and often all during the day, in every city and town and in rural areas, adults, teens, and even children rush from one activity to another. Some are on foot; others are driving, and many others are using some other form of transportation, including buses, bicycles and skateboards. Young and old hurry to school, to work, to sporting events, exercise classes, after-school activities, and to shopping centers. A tide of humanity ebbs and flows. Often, I have been a part of this rush. However, on occasion I have stood at a vantage point, waiting to meet with a friend. As I watched I wondered, Where are they rushing to? What do they want? What are they looking for?
Of course, most are going about their daily routine. But are they aware of the deeper implications of the above questions: What do they really want? Where are they looking for it?
Where Do We Look for What We Want
A man is intently searching for something under a lamppost. After a while, someone passes by and asks, “Friend, what are you doing?” The man replies, “I am looking for my keys.” The other man joins in the search. After about 10 minutes, the stranger asks, “Excuse me, where exactly did you lose your keys?” “I lost them over there,” replies the man and continues his search. “Then why are you searching here?” persists the inquirer. “Because there is more light here.”
Our institutions—our families, churches, schools and media are quick to tell us what we should want and where we should look for it. Sometimes the helpful advice works, and sometimes it doesn’t. Some of us end up like the man in the story—searching for meaning in the wrong place—because the light is better there.
What do you really want in life? Where are you searching for it? How will you know when you have found it? Often, we think we are aware of these questions, and we think we know the answers. But, unfortunately, what we think we want may not be what we really want. The classic story of Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse is a vivid illustration of this human conundrum.
Siddhartha was a young man, born in a traditional Hindu family. His father was a priest in a local temple and by tradition Siddhartha was to succeed him. One day, Siddhartha begins to experience restlessness within himself. So he leaves his home in search of happiness. While on his search, he encounters a group of ascetics who live an austere life in the forest. Siddhartha is drawn to them and thinks to himself: This is what I really want. This will make me happy. He joins them and lives an austere life. He feels happy.
But after some months, the restlessness returns. Siddhartha decides to leave the ascetics and continues his search. Soon after, he meets a group of monks and is drawn to their monastic lives. He says to himself: This will make me happy. He joins them and experiences happiness. But after some months the restlessness returns. He then decides to leave the monastery and continue his search. Along his journey, he falls in love with a beautiful woman. For the first time he experiences the thrill of sexual love and says to himself: This is what I really want. He decides to stay with her. But after some time, the restlessness returns. He leaves her. Next he comes in contact with rich businessmen and he soon becomes a rich businessman himself. He has money, power and influence. He feels he has achieved what he really wanted. But the restlessness returns.
Tired of searching, Siddhartha decides to return home. Years earlier, at the start of his search for happiness, he had to cross a river. Now, years later, he is on the banks of the same river, waiting for the boatman to ferry him across the very same river. When the boatman comes near, he recognizes Siddhartha. He asks him, “Weren’t you the same man who, some years ago, went across in search of happiness?” Siddhartha answers, “Yes.” And then Siddhartha asks the boatman, “Have you gone across in search of happiness?” The boatman responds, “No. I am not ready yet. The river is my teacher. I am learning much from the river and I have still more to learn.” Just then Siddhartha looks at the river and experiences enlightenment. He decides to be an assistant to the boatman, helping him ferry people across the river.
Let’s examine the story for its essential lessons. Siddhartha, who is in touch with his restlessness, tries to deal with it by searching for happiness in one way of life after another. After many false starts he finds an end to his restlessness right where he began his search. Unlike Siddhartha, however, many of us tend to get stuck. We often relentlessly pursue what we think will make us happy. We might chase money, power, fame, status or achievement. A businessman may say to himself, “If I make a million dollars, I’ll be happy.” He works hard and makes a million dollars. He feels happy. But after some time, the old restlessness returns. Then he may say to himself, “Perhaps two million will make me happy.” Once again, he works hard and achieves his goal. He feels happy but only for a while. The old restlessness returns. Again, he ups the ante, “Perhaps four million will make me happy.”
The man, like many of us, is stuck. Instead of realizing that money fails to make him happy and that, like Siddhartha, he should search for something else, he pursues more and more of what does not really satisfy him. We witness the same phenomena in a person’s struggle for power, influence or achievement.
We Look Outside for Happiness
Another important aspect of Siddhartha’s story is that he looks outside for happiness.
Mr. Brown’s dog, Tiger, liked to chase trucks. Whenever Tiger heard a truck on the road outside his house, he would chase it until he was exhausted and then he would return. Just when he recovered, another truck would come along and he would chase this truck, and once again, when exhausted, he would return home. Mr. White, Mr. Brown’s neighbor, watched these futile efforts. One day, he remarked to Mr. Brown: “I wonder when Tiger will succeed in catching a truck.” “That’s not what I am concerned about,” replied Mr. Brown. “I am wondering what he will do once he catches the truck.”
We are like Tiger chasing trucks. We search for happiness outside ourselves. Because we are social beings, we compare ourselves with others. We all compete in a big treasure hunt, seeking wealth, power, influence or achievement. It’s a race we cannot win. Someone will always have more than we do. Yet we are willing to sacrifice ourselves and climb over others in a quest for something that does not deeply satisfy us.
What We Want Is Inside
Some years ago, I met a young American woman who had traveled to India on several occasions to study yoga and meditation under distinguished teachers. She practiced many hours a day and was eager to attend more retreats with more teachers. After listening to her life story, I asked her why she was doing this. She told me that she was fed up with the materialism of the West and was now looking for the spirituality of the East. I told her that essentially she hadn’t changed. She reacted strongly. “What do you mean, I haven’t changed? Isn’t spirituality better than materialism?” I told her that in the past she was collecting material toys to entertain herself; now she was collecting spiritual toys. The problem was that she was still collecting. Her mindset was the same. Only the object of her “treasure hunt” had changed.
The words “Don’t put new wine into old wineskins” are relevant here. We need to fundamentally change our mindset. The change that is required is not just the object of our search but also our approach. Thousands of foreigners come to India in search of spirituality. Most often, the mindset is the same. Only the object has changed.
We need to acknowledge that our mindset is the result of thousands of years of conditioning. We look outside to meet our basic needs. We apply the same approach to meet our deeper spiritual needs. We need to look inside. We need a radical transformation in our way of thinking.
We think what we want is outside, but what we really want is within us. Kabir, the mystic poet of India, powerfully illustrates this idea. He says that the musk deer has the musk in its navel. It smells the scent but does not know the source of the musk scent. It searches for the scented object in the grass. Likewise, Kabir says, people are searching for God in temples, churches and mosques when God is in their own hearts. In another of Kabir’s poems, a small fish asks the big fish: “I hear the ocean is a vast and wonderful place. Where is it?” And the big fish replies: “This is the ocean. You are in the ocean.” And the small fish responds: “Oh, is that all?”
Tony De Mello tells a beautiful story expressing the same idea.
God is tired of being pestered by people asking for this and for that, so God calls a meeting of the most trusted angels and asks for suggestions as to where one can hide from pestering people. One angel advises God to hide on the highest peak of the highest mountain because no one will search there. Another angel says, “No, hide in the depth of the deepest ocean in the world and no one will search for you there.” Finally, God turns to the most trusted angel and asks: “Where do you suggest I should hide?” And the angel responds: “Hide in the human heart! No one will search for you there.”
Key Points
Inner growth begins with a profound question: What do I really want?
We tend to look outside ourselves for what we think we want: money, fame, love.
We tend to get stuck looking for what we want.
What we want, true happiness, is inside.
A Word about the Exercise
The following exercise may give you insight into what you might be really looking for in life. Approach it with an open, expansive mind. It is not an analytical process requiring focused, rational thought. Rather, it is closer to daydreaming about a question.
Be gentle with yourself as you do this exercise. Approach it with a “no violence” attitude. Don’t try to force anything to happen. Don’t try to force yourself to feel or act in any particular way. Let what happens, happen.
EXERCISE
What Do I Want?
Place a notepad before you and take a posture that will keep you relaxed and alert; close your eyes. Gently, ask yourself: What do I want? Let your response come from within rather than from your rational mind.
When you get your response, note it on your pad. After a few seconds, ask yourself: What do I really want? Again, allow the answer to surface from within.
When the answer comes, do not judge or evaluate it; just jot it down in your notepad.
Then repeat the same question: What do I really want?
Continue this process for about 10 minutes.
During the questioning process, if no answer surfaces, let it be. After a while, repeat the question to yourself. If the same response surfaces, let it be.
After about 10 minutes, stop the exercise, and review your responses in your notepad.
Do this exercise gently and without effort.
Chapter 2
Truth
Once we are aware that each of us is searching for something deep within ourselves, that what we think we want may not be what we really want, we then naturally ask: How do we move inward to find the treasure within? The answer is simple: Walk the path of truth. We invite you to follow the path of truth that leads to a new life of freedom, peace and joy.
What Is the Truth?
We know that people often disagree violently on what they consider to be the truth. Think of political opponents, quarrelling couples or religious zealots. Each is convinced that they are in sole possession of the truth. Each believes the others are out of touch with reality and are living a falsehood. Perception has become reality; the map has become the territory.
Truth is difficult to define. It is easier to say what it is not. Truth is not the beliefs we hold, although they may point to truth. Truth is not the conclusions we have drawn based on our experience, although they, too, may point to truth. The truth we are talking about is not the dogmas or definitive statements people make regarding religion, life, relationships and so on. It is first and foremost the truth of who we are and our place in the world.
We are not saying that belief is wrong or inconsequential. Far from it. Belief is necessary to living daily life. We are saying that the process of discovering the truth of who we truly are is lifelong and continual. This process leads to self-understanding without evaluation and judgment. Very simply, truth is what is: what is real. Truth is greater than our concepts or beliefs. To grow in inner strength and peace, we must be willing to go beyond our rational ideas of ourselves and the world. We must wake up and see ourselves and the world clearly. We must see things as they are, not as we believe them to be.
When we say that we will experience the truth, we are not saying we will make another belief of it. A belief is the articulation or conceptualization of an experience, however inept or inadequate it may be. Essentially, our goal is to develop the skills to directly experience ourselves, the world and others, as they actually are.
Tony De Mello’s story of a conference of devils is pertinent to this idea.
The devils were sharing their successes as well as challenges in dealing with the wards entrusted to their care. They had a special way of knowing who was doing what as things were happening. During the conference, one devil said to the other, “Hey, look! Your ward has found a piece of truth.” The other devil, not the least perturbed, said, “I am not worried about that. I will get him to make a belief of it.”
Do You Prefer Truth or Security?
The path of truth is not so easy, as the man in the next story from Tony De Mello quickly learns.
A man noticed a shop sign. It read: Truth Shop. The man’s curiosity was aroused, and he decided to enter the shop. A woman standing behind a counter welcomed him and asked, “What can I do for you, sir?” He replied, “I read that this is a truth shop. Do you sell truth?” She replied, “Yes, sir. But what kind of truth do you want? Do you want the whole truth or the partial truth?”
The man replied, “Oh! I want the whole truth.” “Certainly, sir,” the lady responded. “Kindly go to the other counter.” The man went to the other counter and a young man asks him, “What can I do for you, sir?” The man replied, “I believe that you sell the whole truth. I want to buy the whole truth.” “Certainly, sir!” the man responded, “But sir, it will cost a great deal!” “What’s the price? I am ready to pay any price.” The young vendor hesitatingly replied, “The price is your security.” The man walked away, sad.
Often, we do not face the truth because we prefer the way we have organized our world to the truth. Being open to the truth means being open to things as they actually are, as opposed to how we believe they are. Letting go of the security we have built for ourselves from childhood can be very threatening. Think again of political opponents, quarrelling couples or religious zealots. For example, the aggrieved member of a quarreling couple often obsessively focuses on the injustices and insults they have suffered because that keeps them secure in the view that the other is at fault. The very thought of abandoning judgment of the other person’s behavior undermines the fragile security and causes panic or resistance. One of the parties might ask, “Who do you think I am that I could forgive this behavior?”
Trading our security for truth is not easy, but it is essential to our progress.
A Preference for Misery?
Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, is reported to have said that we assume when clients come for counseling or therapy, they want to change and improve. Not at all. He uses a metaphor to illustrate this behavior. It’s as if people who come for therapy are in a cesspool with filthy stinking water. We would expect them to say that the water is stinking and nauseating and that they would be screaming to be pulled out of the cesspool. In fact, that is not at all what they are saying. Instead, they are saying: “Please make sure others don’t make waves. It disturbs our breathing.” They do not want to get out of the cesspool. They have grown comfortable with it.
We humans have very creative ways of adjusting to the worst possible situations and surviving. Consider the worst slums in the poorest countries of the world. Most people cannot imagine how anyone could survive in such misery and filth. But for the residents, life goes on. Children play and adults chat and carry on their business.
The government of Kolkata (Calcutta) wanted to help the residents of a particular slum by housing them in more comfortable and secure buildings. Each family was moved into a room in the new buildings. But after three months, they returned to the slums, which apparently were much more comfortable and secure for them. This story illustrates how difficult it is for us to change and give up the things that make us feel secure. In many cultures, social workers often complain about people not wanting to change although they are suffering greatly.
Security is very important to us. It is connected to our survival. Our drive for survival is our basic instinct. Animals and birds brought up in captivity and then released as adults tend to return to their cages because they have grown secure in captivity and have adjusted to their situation. Introducing them to a new situation, something unknown, is threatening.
When we talk of security, we are referring to two types—physical and psychological. Physical implies our bodies, our health and ultimately our life. We notice an in-built mechanism, particularly in animals, for physical survival. We humans have inherited it through the evolutionary process. However, psychological survival is peculiar to humans. When our mental concept of who we are is threatened, we experience a threat to our psychological survival. Chapter 5 covers this concept in depth. We do not like to change because we also feel threatened at the psychological level.
Change implies letting go of what has given us security and moving on to something else we think will give us security. There is a gap between what is and what will be. The gap creates fear and insecurity. It is this fear that prevents us from letting go of what we think makes us secure.
How Is Our Security Formed?
As a part of growing up, we have each received conditioning that unconsciously influences our beliefs and our behavior. Our parents conditioned us as they were conditioned. Our culture conditioned us through schools, teachers, church, social organizations and work. As we acquire discipline, good manners, taste and a sense of order, our culture passes on its traditions.
We may be proud of our punctuality, neatness, diligence, friendliness, creativity and so forth. We may believe these traits are important, even vital. Through the process of reward and punishment we develop behaviors which society considers appropriate and learn to avoid the inappropriate ones. Over time, we have managed to internalize our conditioning, and now we function almost automatically. We have organized our world and learned how to remain secure. As we will see in Chapters 4 and 5, much of this conditioning extends internally into our very sense of self and what we believe we must do to keep ourselves secure.
Compromising the Truth
When the truth we face threatens our security, we quickly find ways of compromising it. One of the coping or defense mechanisms frequently used is rationalization or justification. Through this process, we learn to cut corners. We compromise with the truth, as this Sufi story clearly shows.
Nasruddin was arrested for mixing horsemeat with chicken meat and selling it as chicken cutlets in his restaurant. He was found guilty. But before sentencing him, the judge, out of curiosity, asked Nasruddin, “Nasruddin, what proportion of horsemeat did you mix with chicken meat?” Nasruddin, under oath, promptly replied, “Fifty-fifty, your honor.” He was sentenced.
When Nasruddin was released, a friend of his who was in the court when the sentencing took place, asked him, “Nasruddin, when the judge asked you what proportion of horsemeat did you mix with chicken meat, under oath you replied, ‘Fifty-fifty, your honor.’ What did you mean?”
Nasruddin quickly replied, “I meant one horse to one chicken.”
Social psychology experiments demonstrate how subjects compromise truth to maintain psychological security, as shown in this experiment from Elliot Aronson’s book Social Animal.
A man was hypnotized and under hypnosis, it was suggested to him that at 4 PM, he would wear his raincoat and rain shoes, take his umbrella and walk eight blocks to the supermarket where he would buy six bottles of bourbon. When he returned home, he would snap out of his hypnosis.
There are three pertinent things about the situation: (1) It is a bright, sunny day; (2) The man is a teetotaler, and does not drink alcohol; (3) A nearby store on his street sells bourbon at the same price as at the supermarket.
As per the hypnotic suggestion, the man wears his raincoat and rain shoes, takes his umbrella and walks eight blocks to the supermarket, purchases six bottles of bourbon and returns home. When he returns home, he finds himself wearing his raincoat and rain shoes, carrying an umbrella and six bottles of bourbon, having walked eight blocks to the supermarket. The experimenter questions him:
Experimenter: Where did you go?
Subject: I went to the supermarket.
Experimenter: Why did you walk all the way there?
Subject: I went to buy bourbon.
Experimenter: Why did you walk so far when alcohol is sold in the store down the street for the same price?
Subject: Well, at my age a little exercise will do me good.
Experimenter: Excuse me, why did you buy bourbon when you do not drink alcohol?
Subject: Well, you see, sometimes I get guests who like to drink, and it is good to have something handy.
Experimenter: Why are you wearing your raincoat and rain shoes and carrying an umbrella?
Subject: You know, this weather is so unpredictable. It is better to be safe than sorry.
How do we understand the behavior of the young man who was the subject of this experiment? In social psychology, there is a concept known as cognitive dissonance. We like to believe that we are normal, rational beings, like all others. When our behavior does not match or is dissonant with what is considered normal, then we experience cognitive dissonance, which threatens our sense of being normal or rational. We rationalize or justify our dissonant behaviors so that they appear more consonant with our self-concept. That is exactly what the subject in the experiment did. His reasoning makes his behaviors more plausible.
The Truth Will Set You Free
Truth is the way to life. Truth is the way to freedom. If we want to live in freedom, peace and joy, then we must choose truth over our security.
This path of truth involves being honest with ourselves—our feelings, our thoughts and our behaviors. It involves facing ourselves truthfully, although sometimes it can be very threatening and frightening. When we are able to face ourselves as we are, without evaluating or judging ourselves, then we will grow in the understanding of who we truly are. We will begin to understand why we do what we do and why we feel the way we feel. We will be able to understand where our fear originates and why we often react to certain situations more than others.
As we discover and understand ourselves, we will begin to experience greater freedom and love. We will become more compassionate toward ourselves. We will begin to feel love for ourselves and others. We will become less judgmental of others and begin to feel greater compassion for them. We will develop a deep reverence and respect for all the beings of the world, including nature. We will develop a strength and peace that nothing can change or destroy.
Discovering awareness is the key step toward truth. Our goal is to develop the skills to directly experience ourselves, the world and others as they actually are, not as we believe them to be.
Key Points
The path of truth is to directly experience ourselves, the world and others as they actually are, not as we believe them to be.
This path of truth involves being aware of ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts and our behaviors—without evaluation or judgment.
To follow the path of truth, we must be willing to let go of many of the things and beliefs that make us feel secure. The price of truth is security.
Through a process of conditioning we have developed a security system that operates automatically and mostly unconsciously.
When truth threatens our security, we often cope by rationalizing or justifying ourselves.
The truth will set us free.
A Word about the Exercise
Thomas Keating, the founder of the Contemplative Prayer Movement, warns seekers not to evaluate their experiences in meditation, offering with two observations:
Students do not grade their own papers. Don’t evaluate your performance in doing the exercises.
The fruits of meditation are found in everyday life, not in the meditation itself.
Sometimes the exercise may seem easy and fun. Sometimes it may seem hard and boring. What Keating is saying is that none of this matters. Just keep doing the exercise; the fruits will come later. In this way, it’s much like athletic training or practicing the piano. It isn’t so important to enjoy or feel satisfied. It’s just important to do it.
Here is a simple exercise to introduce you to awareness. It is one of many exercises that focus on the simple act of breathing. This one focuses on the sensations in your nostrils as you breathe. It is traditionally called Anapan.
We invite you to enter this exercise with an open mind and heart. Let the experience be soft, like the gentle rain, slowly penetrating your thoughts and sensations.
Be gentle with yourself as you do this exercise. Approach it with a “no violence” attitude. Don’t try to force anything to happen. Don’t try to force yourself to feel or act in any particular way. Let what happens, happen.
EXERCISE
Awareness of the Breath
To begin, take a comfortable posture, one that keeps you relaxed and alert. If it helps, close your eyes.
Become aware of your breathing—the breath flowing in and the breath flowing out.
Allow the breathing to happen. If it is slow, let it be slow. If it is fast, let it be fast. If it is shallow, let your breathing be shallow. If it is deep, let it be deep.
Become aware of the breath flowing in. Notice the sensations in the inner walls of the nostrils as you breathe in. You might notice that more air flows through one nostril than the other.
Next, focus your attention on the breath flowing out. Once again, become aware of the sensations on the inner walls of the nostrils as you breathe out.
Now, become aware of the whole cycle of breathing—the breath flowing in and the breath flowing out. Notice the sensations on the inner walls of the nostrils as you breathe in and as you breathe out.
Become aware of the sensations without evaluation or judgment. Let each sensation arise and disappear in the vast spaciousness of awareness.
No need to control your breath. No need to control the sensations. Let the breathing happen.
After about 20 minutes, spend a couple of moments enjoying the silence and peace within. Then gently end this exercise.
If you find it difficult to practice for this long, you may want to start with shorter times and work up to 20 minutes gradually.
When you find your attention wandering, very gently notice this. Say the word “thinking” to yourself, and return your attention to the breath. Avoid making the exercise a task or an achievement test by evaluating how well you keep your attention focused. Instead, simply and softly, return to the focus on the breath.
Use your posture to keep you relaxed and alert. Most people find a seated posture with a relaxed and erect spine to be helpful. Lying down might help you relax but won’t do much for keeping you alert. Conversely, standing on one foot might keep you be alert but won’t help you relax.
As before, take a “no violence” approach to the exercise. Do it gently and without effort.
Chapter 3
Awareness
We see now as through a glass, darkly.
— I Corinthians 13:12
If we wish to discover what we really want, then we must follow the path of truth. Awareness is the tool that will help us walk this path. It will help us to experience things as they are.
Awareness is simple to understand but difficult to practice. Awareness is the heart of spiritual growth. Its goal is simple— to see things as they are. We think we are aware. Are we?
When we see a rose in the garden, do we experience the rose directly or do we experience the memory of a rose we have in our mind? When we enjoy a dinner, do we enjoy the food or the memory of other dinners gone by? Often we do not distinguish between our experience of the present and our memories of the past. Often, the present triggers memories of the past. We live, most of the time, in a world our minds have constructed, and we are blissfully ignorant of it.
Reality is truth. However, we can’t experience reality directly because we wear colored glasses. Our experience is colored by our perceptions. Our perception is filtered by our past experiences, values, attitudes and beliefs that have been developing since infancy. We are generally unconscious of how the lessons from parents, schools, organizations, etc. influence how we experience reality. So, unconsciously, we experience reality through a filter of preconceptions, beliefs and past memories.
Imagine that a close friend is coming to visit. What do you feel? If she is your close friend, you are likely to be excited. The mere news of her arrival has activated pleasant memories. The memories, rather than the present news, cause most of your excitement. This is typical. Often we experience and react to memories rather than the current reality.
Further, our mind acts as a gate to reality. Based on our values, attitudes, beliefs and past experiences, our mind evaluates the in-coming reality as good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate. Whatever is evaluated as positive is welcomed, and whatever is evaluated as negative is pushed away.
Imagine you meet a person you strongly dislike based on your past experiences. What do you feel? Most likely you feel angry or upset even though the experiences took place many years ago. The presence of this person in the here and now activates the experience of the past stored in your brain. Are you responding to this person or are you reacting to the past event?
Elements of Awareness
Awareness consists of two elements:
Being in the present
Observing, without evaluation or judgment
Awareness exercises are simple to understand but difficult to do because in our everyday life we are accustomed to move instantly from a perception to an evaluation or judgment. This movement happens automatically and often unconsciously. For example, at the first taste we may declare, “This soup is delicious.” Awareness asks us to observe and experience the soup and to suspend evaluation and judgment.
The elements of awareness, though distinct, are very much related to one another. Now, let us explore the elements.
Being in the Present
Buddhism reminds us that everything is impermanent and transient; everything is changing and passing. All that we have is the present moment, the NOW.
An Indian story tells of a man chased by a tiger. The man is terrified and, as he runs blindly for his life, he falls down a precipice. As he falls, he manages to grab hold of the exposed roots of a tree. He desperately hangs on. He looks up and he sees the tiger; he looks down and he sees a cobra at the bottom of the precipice. He looks at the base of the tree roots and he notices a mouse nibbling at the roots. Just above is a honeycomb. Drops of honey fall on the back of his hand. All he does is reach up and lick each drop.
The tiger is the past and the cobra is the future. As the mouse nibbles at the roots, even the present slips away. All that the man does is lick each drop of honey. This is the present moment.
Reality is only in the present. It is not in the past nor in the future. However, we find ourselves often living in the past or the future. The past is gone, never to return. The future has not yet arrived. All that we have is the present moment, which is slipping by.
We say that we are in the present. What does it mean, being in the present? When I say I am present with you, am I really? I certainly am physically present. But my mind could be somewhere else. I could be thinking of a friend who looks like you. I could be thinking of the things I plan to do after my meeting with you is over. I could be wondering if you are really interested in what I am saying or whether you like me. Being in the present means being in the now—present to what is. It involves being totally present to the reality manifesting itself here and now. In this case, it means a total absorption with you, your words and your actions, just as you are in the present moment.
Sometimes our past experiences may prevent us from being in the present. Consider a woman who was sexually abused by a tall man with dark hair when she was 10 years old. Now she is about 30. A tall man with dark hair approaches her. She reacts with fear and withdraws. Is she responding to this man or reacting to her past negative experience of the man who abused her? Obviously, she is reacting to her past. The man approaching her has done nothing to hurt her. She may not even know him. But just his presence triggers memories of her negative past and prevents her from interacting with this man.
Similarly, past positive experiences may prevent us from experiencing the present. On my first visit to the United States, I stayed in Montauk, Long Island, which is famous for its seafood. I am fond of the spicy, hot seafood dishes from my part of India and so looked forward to going out to the local restaurants for fresh seafood. When the menu arrived, I searched for something similar to my favorite dish in India. When the dish arrived, I tasted it and found it bland and disappointing. It did not have the taste I had in mind.
After about a week, I realized that I was not enjoying the lovely seafood because I was looking for something that matched the Indian dishes. So next time, I asked for the house specialty. When the dish arrived, I decided to be present to the taste of the dish without comparing it to the past memories. As I did that, I began to appreciate the delicate spices that blended beautifully with the natural taste of the fish. Slowly I began to appreciate American food and even enjoy it.
Our anxieties about the future can also prevent us from experiencing the present. We notice this in some students who are studying for exams. As they study, they worry about taking the exam. Will I remember this stuff? Will there be trick questions? Will I fail? Will I flunk out? What will my parents say? Will I ever get a job? Their worries about the future prevent them from studying in the present moment. The future blocks the present.
How much better off would these students be if they could stay in the present moment and get their work done?
Observing without Evaluation or Judgment
The second element is observation without evaluation or judgment. Observation implies neutrality and objectivity about what is being observed. This requires an emotional and psychological distance between the observer and the object observed. If we become emotionally involved with the subject, we diminish our ability to perceive reality accurately. Psychologists, when counseling or doing therapy, maintain a psychological distance between themselves and the client. This distance is necessary for the psychologist to have an objective assessment of the problem as well as the ability to empathize.
For example, in the heat of a fight we may no longer accurately hear what another is saying. If we are seized by fear, our ability to perceive the threat is impaired.
One analogy is the difference between watching a video of an emotionally charged scene and being a participant in the same scene. In the first case, we can more accurately perceive the words, actions and emotions of those involved. When we observe, we are said to be dissociated from the situation. When we are involved, we are said to be associated. Since our goal in awareness is to observe, we must dissociate from the subject of our observation.
We constantly and unconsciously evaluate our experience as good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate. For example, you go into a garden. You see different plants and flowers. If you observe carefully, you will find yourself evaluating or judging what you see. You are drawn to those things you evaluate as positive, and you are repulsed by those you evaluate as negative. It is difficult to observe something without evaluation or judgment. By suspending evaluation and judgment, we increase our ability to be present to reality as it is in the here and now.
The process of evaluating and judging is almost automatic. The criteria we use to evaluate something as positive or negative are values we have internalized since our infancy through our culture, institutions and experiences. This process helps us to organize and maintain order in our internal and external world. We are able to control what is happening and not be taken by surprise.
Key Points
Awareness is the path to truth—to see things as they are.
Awareness is
Being in the present
Observing without evaluation or judgment.
Awareness is a skill that can be discovered and developed.
Skill is developed by frequent practice of any of the awareness exercises.
A Word about the Exercises
The following exercises build on the experience you gained in the previous Awareness of Breath exercise. The process is the same as before; only the point of focus differs.
The first focuses on the sensations in the body; the second on the sounds that surround us. It is not the subject matter that constitutes awareness but rather being in the present while observing without evaluation or judgment.
Awareness, although a conscious process, is not strenuous. It is a conscious choosing of being in the present without violence, without denial. If awareness becomes tiring, then we are likely to be striving for awareness as a goal rather than simply being aware.
Awareness is the basic skill for spiritual strength. Practice an awareness exercise as often as you can. Your skill will increase and eventually you will find yourself living more and more of your everyday life in awareness—being in the present and observing without evaluation or judgment. You will begin to experience things as they are, not as you think they are.
Be gentle with yourself as you do this exercise. Approach it with a “no violence” attitude. Don’t try to force anything to happen. Don’t try to force yourself to feel or act in any particular way. Let what happens, happen.
EXERCISE
Body Awareness
This exercise, traditionally called Vapashna, is a variation of the Awareness of Breath exercise. The method is identical except the point of focus is body sensations instead of the sensations in the inner walls of the nostrils.
To begin, take a comfortable posture, one that keeps you relaxed and alert. If it helps, close your eyes.
Become aware of any sensations at the top of your head. Slowly and smoothly turn your attention to your forehead, then the area around your eyes, then nose, mouth, chin, etc.
Without judgment or evaluation, notice any sensation that arises. You may notice no sensation in a part of the body. Do not be concerned. Simply continue in awareness to the next part of the body.
Proceed downward through your body in this manner, pausing to notice the sensations. When you reach the tips of your toes, begin the process again at the top of your head.
If you find yourself distracted, simply notice the distraction, say the word, “thinking” and gently shift your attention back to the body.
Resist the temptation to evaluate or judge your performance. Try to stay in awareness of your body and notice what happens without judgment or evaluation.
After about 20 minutes, spend a couple of moments enjoying the silence and peace within. Then gently end this exercise.
Take a “no violence” approach to the exercise. Do it gently and without effort.
EXERCISE
Awareness of Sounds
This exercise uses sounds as the point of focus. You may find this more difficult than the previous awareness exercises. You may notice yourself automatically evaluating or judging. If you do, just notice the judgment, and softly return your focus to the sounds.
To begin, take a comfortable posture, one that keeps you relaxed and alert. If it helps, close your eyes.
Focus on your breath for a few minutes.
Slowly and gently, become aware of the sounds around you—some loud, some soft; some distant, some near. They may come from all directions.
Be aware of each sound that presents itself to you. Do so without evaluation or judgment.
You do not need to identify the source of the sound; if you do automatically, let it be.
Sometimes, you will find yourself automatically evaluating or judging the sound; become aware of your evaluation of judgment and go beyond to observe the sound as sound.
If you find yourself distracted, simply notice the distraction, say the word, “thinking” and gently shift your attention back to the sounds.
After about 20 minutes, spend a couple of moments enjoying the silence and peace within. Then gently end this exercise.
Take a “no violence” approach to the exercise. Do it gently and without effort.
Chapter 4
Fear
The previous chapters discussed the path to truth, which is awareness. We learned that the price of truth is our security. This brings us to the topic of fear. Fear blocks us from experiencing the truth about ourselves. We are even willing to distort the truth to avoid facing the fear.
In this chapter we examine the fear within us so that we may unblock ourselves and be free. Sometimes our fear is obvious but often it is hidden and affects almost every aspect of our lives. Exploring the dynamics of our fear will help us to understand ourselves and increase our awareness and peace.
Coming face to face with our deepest fears is a hallmark of spiritual maturity, as noted in the scriptures of the world’s religions as well as in most psychological theory. Fortunately, exploring the dynamics of fear does not lead to further fear. In fact, if we explore fear with the tool of awareness our lives will become more and more “choiceful.” We will be able to make choices that bring peace, joy and love. We will experience greater freedom within.
Therefore, it’s crucial to understand fear in all its dimensions because fear left unchecked distorts awareness, saps strength and destroys peace, thereby affecting all aspects of our lives. We will also discover that fear is a powerful motivator, a means of controlling others and the unconscious basis for much of our behavior.
The Basics of Fear
Physical Threats
Why is fear such a strong force in our lives? At the most basic level, fear helps us survive. If fear were totally absent, we would not look before crossing the road. We might play with cobras or rattlesnakes.
Imagine a physical threat, say a tiger charging toward us, roaring and baring its fangs. A real physical threat will automatically trigger a high-speed response from our body—dilated pupils, narrowed vision, increased heart rate, fast breathing, muscles ready to fire, bladder and bowels voided. This is called the fight or flight syndrome. Unconscious and automatic systems in the brain and body prepare us instantly to run from the threat or fight off the threat. Psychologically, our response to a threat is similar to other animals and is controlled by a similar part of the brain and nervous system.
Under threat, our bodies react automatically before the rational part of the brain even realizes what’s happening. The response is immediate and intense. The more primitive brain seizes control from the more evolved, rational brain. Our fear hijacks our thinking so that we can more quickly and efficiently fight or flee.
Psychological Threats
Most of the threats we experience, however, are psychological, not physical. If we perceive a great threat to our reputation, power, wealth or relationships, we experience corresponding fear. Our reputation, power, wealth and relationships, among other things, give us a sense of security. Threats to them are threats to our psychological survival.
Think of the two-year-old who constantly carries a tattered blanket. The blanket is no longer used for physical warmth but for a sense of comfort and security. What will happen if someone gently but firmly takes the blanket away? The child will react as if his or her life were threatened. It doesn’t matter that the threat isn’t a tiger; the child’s sense of security has been threatened.
So it is with us adults. The brain does not differentiate between threat to physical survival and threats to psychological survival. It activates the fight or flight syndrome. If the threat is chronic, as in job stress or relationship stress, our body remains on constant alert with serious consequences for our physical and mental health. This is true even though there is no physical threat to our life or health. Comments like “This job is killing me” or “You make me sick” reflect the threat to our psychological survival.