GENERATIONAL DYSFUNCTIONS Vol. I
“Perfect Imperfections”
By Anica Walston
Published by Anica Walston at Smashwords
Copyright © 2011 Anica Walston
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Dedication
To a woman who exemplified class, style, and grace. She was an elegant and sophisticated woman. Her life was fruitful and fulfilled. I will always be mindful of the lessons you taught and the support you provided to your entire family. For all you shared and legacy you left. I will remember you teaching me to, “take my burdens to the Lord, and leave them there.” You will always be loved and remembered, my beloved grandmother.
Ruth Bell Ore
Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV’
Generational Dysfunctions Vol. II (Intro)
Generational Dysfunctions Volume I is a collection of stories highlighting four women who are connected by trials throughout their lives. The stories outline incidents, which are learning experiences for these individuals. There are choices, which have to be made. They encounter heartaches, heartbreaks, tragedy, and strife, but there are no assumed happy endings. Their circumstances are some women’s reality. There is bliss, moments of triumphs, and their durability is tested in each situation. These stories do not outline their entire lives but are pivotal moments, which set a certain chain of events into action. You must read carefully to see their connections.
The truth is no one really knows what goes on in each other’s minds. We do not always know why we make the decisions we do. Women sometimes put up facades because of shame, guilt, and insecurities. They hide secrets; cover up truths because they do not want the world judging them. In actuality, no one has any right to judge. When you start to examine these women’s supposed exteriors of perfection, you find perfection is obsolete.
Generational Dysfunctions is a series of books that contain sixteen different stories of sixteen different women’s plights. In each volume, you will find their connection through their environment, genetics, circumstance, or situation. This is the first volume in a series of four books.
“Understanding the women of Generational Dysfunctions Perfect Imperfections”
Tracey
Tracey is a young woman who weds out of haste. She is a beautiful talented woman who allows others to dictate her existence. Her principal dictator is a young strapping man who all the women want and have probably have partaken in, at some point. These discrepancies never bothered Tracey. She is willing at all cost, to keep her man just to declare he is hers. As you read Tracey’s story you find he has never been, nor will ever be, completely hers. From the moment they marry, her life becomes chaotic. She is trapped in a mentally abusive relationship. Tracey wants to believe he is someone else. She maps out their lives together with the expectation they will weather through any storm.
Tracey has three children whom she loves dearly but tends to get distracted by the turmoil’s which her husband has inflicted upon her. The mental abuse becomes toxic. Tracey finds herself allowing things in her life, which to most women see as insanity.
She has a supportive family. Her sister is loyal, but disgusted by Tracey’s decisions. Tracey’s mother assists her with her children because even in Tracey’s decision-making she cannot allow her grandchildren to be subjected to the evil, which lurks in Tracey’s home. Tracey does not openly discuss the private matters of her household. However, because her husband is not discrete with his actions, outsiders are more aware of his day-to-day activity than she is. She defends him because she believes in her vows.
No matter how hard she tries, it becomes apparent he does not wish to change. He has a woman who answers at his disposal, and appears to believe every lie he conveys. Is she naïve, or detached? This can be decided by you the reader, but not judged.
Tracey is like many young women who suffer through impossible relationships, due to lack of self-esteem and self-awareness. Should Tracey have to deal with such disrespectful actions? No, she should not. All of Tracey’s decisions and actions are by choice. She wants to believe he loves her. As the story unfolds, she finds her husband has become her excuse. She is mentally broken down, and due to an audacious incident, Tracey must reevaluate her decisions. Tracey is grieved with pain, which causes her to stop and reflect on her life, and how it reached such a damaging hiatus.
Tracey’s character, as all the other characters, is introduced by a poem. Excuse the Reality, is Tracey’s introduction. The poem outlines Tracey’s emotional state, and present circumstances.
Diana
Diana is a single mother. Her whole life is dedicated to her children. Diana sacrifices everything for the betterment of her children. Her story begins under very drab circumstances. She is attending a funeral. This funeral is devastating because she never believed this situation could ever happen to her. During a breakdown while attending the funeral, she begins to reflect on her yesterdays. She reflects on her life and the circumstances which have led to the existing events.
Diana was born into a hard working family, which consisted of both parents. She was born in a time where black people were looked upon as inferior. Her father was a black businessman, which was not the norm during this time. Diana’s father inherited land from his grandfather who was a slave.
He was an independent businessman who wanted the best for his family. Her mother struggled carrying her other unborn children to term. When Diana was born, her parents were extremely protective. Diana was a child of hope.
When her father dies, Diana is subject to straining circumstances. She becomes a single mother of four bastard children with no immediate help from their fathers. During her strife, her strength comes from her mother and another individual who pushes her to aim high for whatever she wants out of life.
Diana searches for comfort in her children. They fill the voids in her life and take the place of Diana ever finding true love. The thought of being rejected by any man is frightening to Diana. Her only focus is to remain determined and provide a healthier life for her four children. She does not recognize that her children are her crutch. Even though she is a supportive mother, she loses sight of her own personal needs.
Diana’s story begins with a poem entitled, Where was I? This poem questions who she is as a mother and the trials of motherhood. Diana realizes, even in her commitment, at some point her children will eventually make their own decisions. Even with her strong belief in God, she recognizes that she cannot control the outcomes of their lives.
Veronica
Veronica is a heartbroken, bitter woman who is harsh to the world. She has closed off any possibilities of true love. She does not bounce back gracefully from her break-up. Her break-up hardens her heart. All men are the same, is Veronica’s belief. Her only focus becomes herself. She is selfish and self-righteous and does not believe she has to compromise for any reason. She truly believes in her independence.
One day a man who adores the ground she walks on befriends her. Due to her internal issues, which she does not address, she continues to focus on self. Veronica hopes to reap the benefits of a good man, without having to reciprocate. When Veronica meets Kareem, she treats him poorly from the time he says hello. He deals with her brashness because he is aware she has had many disappointing relationships. He believes he has the ability to restore her wounds.
Veronica’s story starts in her home where she is all alone. She realizes she has no one. She has her dream house, car, and career, but no one to share it with. She has shut out all possibilities of love.
Veronica’s character is introduced by a poem entitled, Releasing a good man. Veronica’s selfishness is unruly and intolerable. Her poem highlights her decisions and actions from not releasing the grudge of a prior faulty love.
Bernice
She is very dedicated to her role, and loves her security. She refuses to be spontaneous or take chances when it directly affects her stability.
She has given up the joys of life for surety. She has lived her life trying to accommodate everyone but herself. A co-worker questions her happiness one day while her husband is out of town. Bernice has time to reflect on the choices she has made. She questions everything she has embraced, and finds herself angry and disappointed in her decisions. She opens up feelings of regret, and she is angry at the façade she has created. Along comes a stranger who touches her spirit in an unbelievable manner. Her confusion causes anxiety, which leads her to make a decision; whether to stay secure or become the spontaneous women she never knew she could be.
Bernice’s story begins in a doctor office where she believes she has run her body down and has contracted the flu. She begins to reflect on the secret she has held, which is constantly eating away at her conscious. She realizes if she reveals her secret, it could destroy everything in her perfectly structured life.
Bernice’s story is introduced by a poem entitled, Decadence and Divinity. This is Bernice’s defining moment in her life, which sets the stage for her to question who she is. The poem describes a secret that she can never share or lives will be destroyed.
PART I
Excuse the Reality
Tracey
“Detached?”
He smiled because he appeared gentle
He promised because words are free and unjustified by his actions
He smelled of cool water, which caused fire in her femininity
Unlike Jeremiah his soul was tainted
Spurned with a closed evil, which could only be recognized by the prey he hadn’t pounced
His grasp caused tension, which crippled the spine
His love came with the condition, due to his lack of morals
His body fit the crevices of her once shapely form, and those that were his secret
His outburst created guilt in her, lest his own
Buried in her unconscious causing fear
Though his power mesmerized the flesh for a moment in time,
She could not help but recognize
The hole that was separating her heart from her sanctity,
The birds bellowed songs of ruefulness
As detriment was a midst
The banter and chuckles of those who opposed her position
Ran wild through the ears of ugly, planting seeds of regret
She remembered the yesterdays of whimsical bliss
Yet she wondered, how and where was the creature God created
She had sold her soul to a devil
Which was unrecognized by her naked eye and opened heart
Not understanding why the retreat seemed so hard
She satisfied her disdain with the understanding; this may be the only love she would embrace
And a least his presence was panoptic
Nevertheless, she veiled her battle scars, internal and external,
And proceeded to complete the task of settlement, for loving self was but a mere remembrance.
Why not, he still appeared gentle
Smelled of cool water but a bit tainted
Satisfied her flesh by impregnating her with undiscerning spirits
His smile still illuminated, but a contradiction of truth
His words now rumbled with aches and were tarnished
With unlikely colorful metaphors
His actions now accepted under no duress
But he was her reality,
He was her excuse
Tracy was tired. She stared at the floor wondering, trying to figure out what her next steps were. She closed her eyes as the tears welled. Her body was stricken with stress. She had no answers. She just knew the mental dismantling had been more than enough for her to sustain any sanity. All of this for love? Not realizing his implication of love was false, she tried to retrace her steps to figure out, what were the sequences of events that had led her to this very moment. Her mind was not clear and she could not even remember one kind word that had ever been whistled in her ear. As the tears left indentations in her cheeks, she heard footsteps coming closer to her bedroom door. The anticipation caused her heart to flutter, for she could not embrace any more disgust. It was bad enough she had just seen the man who promised his life to her, till death do them part, in a compromising position.
The door creaked open and their stood the image. This image she fell in love with so many years ago. Now the man she thought she loved was a flagrant mystery. In embarrassment, and shame she refused to lift her head. She refused to observe the lie that was going to spew out of his mouth. She had heard his untruths so many times before but never accepted them as a part of her reality.
“Tracey babe,” the very masculine tone fell from the lips of the perpetrator. “Tracey…”
Tracey did not know whether to answer him or just leap in anger. Tracey did not have the strength for either action so she sat still. He walked closer to the bed still calling her name, but still no answer. In my house, she thought. In her house while she and her children were asleep. She wondered how he proposed to get out of this obvious blunder. He cannot, she thought. There was nothing he could say. Something in Tracey’s spirit stirred because her curiosity had gotten the best of her.
In a shallow tone, she answered, “Yes.”
He opened his mouth and out poured these audacious words. “Look I don’t have time for all this crying tonight! Janine woke up because she pissed all over her bed, and I think you need to change her sheets. You know I do not know where nuthin is, so go on girl! She is in there crying just like you. I shouldn’t be forced to listen to everyone whaling in this house! Now get!”
Tracey’s jaw dropped. What did he just say? What did he just murmur out of his mouth? Is he serious? Was I the only one present at this ungodly sight I just witnessed?
“Tracey dangit…,” he bellowed. “Get the sheets changed, man I’m tired! I don’t want to hear all this damn whining!”
Shocked with no refute, Tracey sighed and began to exit her room to remedy her child’s mishaps. As she was leaving, he proceeded to remove his wife beater and basketball shorts. Once he had removed his clothes, he climbed into the bed.
“Are you not going to shower?” she asked.
“Man nawww..., its late I will take one tomorrow.”
He proceeded to put his soiled body between the sheets she carefully washed weekly. She was sickened but did not mum another word. Tracey closed the door behind her and went into her child’s room.
“Mommy, Mommy!”
Tracey heard screeching through the hallways. She had fallen asleep on the floor of Janine’s bedroom without notice. She was so tired from the trifles of the night before. She had not realized that once she repaired the boo-boo’s, she had laid her head on the carpet and cried herself to sleep.
“Mommy, wake up!”
“What Janine?”
“Brystal is trying to cook in the kitchen and you said she couldn’t turn on the stove, and she did.”
Brystal had a nasty disposition and was extremely disrespectful. Janine was the baby of the house and felt she needed to tattle on everyone and everything. Tracey was tired and did not feel like listening to her whiny child or her disrespectful teenager.
“Mommy, mommy…!”
“What Janine!” Tracey said now agitated.
“Brystal is in the kitchen!”
“Okay, okay,” said Tracy, trying to get up off the floor.
It wasn’t as easy as she thought. Tracey was more than voluptuous these days. Since her wedding day she had gained an additional fifty-five pounds plus, from her once curvy one hundred and fifty-five pound frame. Things were now placed in hidden spots, which moved around freely if they weren’t taped or wrapped. Tracey began to pick herself up from off the floor when she heard her nine-year-old running through the hall. What the…?
“Jo-Jo…!”
“Yes ma,” he answered.
Jo-Jo was nine years old and full of energy. Tracey made sure she never gave him sugar because apparently he was born high. High is how he acted until the very moment he fell to sleep, which Tracey prayed for often. His body never stopped, he kept running and running like an energizer bunny. He did not stay still long enough, or allow his food to settle in any place of his body. Tracey prayed to God for peace because she knew her children were going to drive her loony.
Boom, blub, blub! A terrifying sound came from the hall. It sounded like an earthquake tearing her home apart. Tracey could not deal with any more destruction to her once beautiful home.
“Jo-Jo…!”
“Yea,” he said in a devilish tone.
“What on earth are you doing?”
“Skatin...,” answered Jo-Jo.
Skating? Tracey knew Jo-Jo couldn’t be skating because she had never purchased him a pair. She became concerned with her only son’s activity. Tracey got a burst of energy to see what her child had destroyed. She walked to the door and wanted to let out a loud scream, but she couldn’t; her mouth trembled when she witnessed the hideous sight before her eyes.
Jo-Jo decided he was going to make his own skates using the wheels from one of his many monster trucks, and super glued them to his brand new pair of Air Jordan’s that she had just purchased not even a week ago. Trying to roller skate, he slid down the steps and grabbed the railing, which was not sturdy enough to hold the impact it endured. A loud scream came from the bedroom.
He yelled, “What are you doing!”
Just then, the bedroom door open and this well of fire dispersed from Satan’s mouth. The colorful metaphors that spewed out of his opening, sounding like an unedited rap song, by 50 Cent.
“Get your dumb ass up! What in the hell are you doing you stupid mother…!”
“But, dad,” Jo-Jo wailed.
He screeched, “Shut up! You dumb S.O.B.!”
Jo-Jo began to cry and ran to his room. Tracey stared in amazement because she never used such harsh words ever in her life, let alone directed them at her children. Tracey stared at the evil figure as he rolled his eyes and returned to their bedroom slamming the door.
Brystal was in the kitchen, cooking breakfast without permission. She was fourteen years old, but had a body like an eighteen year old. Brystal was developing in areas, which were in comparison to women seen in music videos. She possessed a sharp tongue and a nonchalant attitude toward authority. Brystal had no respect for Tracey because she witnessed the monstrosity of her mother’s lack, daily. Even if the ugliness was from father, she believed her mother was weak and could not fathom ever-falling prey to such deceit, lying, and cheating. To Brystal, her mother wasn’t a mother she was just a shell of a woman who lacked a soul.
Brystal was a mediocre student, who was more concerned with her looks. People always echoed and praised her beauty. She believed she didn’t have to work hard. She assumed her beauty would send her on journeys of the impossible. Brystal lived in a fantasy world with big pipe dreams with no true rational.
She was 5’6 coco colored skin weighing about 134 pounds. She had a Coke bottle shape. A shape her mother possessed before she lost sight of keeping up with her appearance. Perfection is what she hummed daily because she believed she was perfect. Brystal had the ability to be very articulate because her mother stressed the importance of speaking clearly, so others would comprehend her dialect. Brystal however chose a different route somewhere around the age of thirteen, right after she and Mother Nature went to war.
“Come on mane! What up with dis,” Brystal screamed! “This snitch is crae-ezy...! Jo-Jo I hope you break your freakin neck. I am sick of all this got dern noise!”
She could hear the train wreck on the second floor. She knew Jo-Jo was the conductor. She heard her father correct the tyrant and began to laugh, after Jo-Jo was silenced. As she continued to cook, she could hear someone coming into the kitchen.
“Hey baby,” she heard a soft voice say while she proceeded to cook.
“Hey daddy,” she grinned.
Despite the way her father treated her mother she held no ill will towards him because he favored her. He allowed her to do anything she wished. This was one of the reasons Brystal found all of the hypocrisy in the house to be her mother’s fault. He kissed her on the cheek.
“Whatcha cooking baby girl?”
“Sum eggs, sum hash browns, and grits,” she said grinning.
She knew her dad was not going to complain about her using the stove as her mother often did. Brystal had caused a kitchen fire while cooking and her mother banned her from using the stove. Brystal was only allowed to use the microwave. She deliberately ignored her mother’s commands because she knew her father did not oppose.
“You want sum daddy?”
“Sure baby girl,” as he stared at her, with a non-paternal look.
His eyes pawed over her body as she danced promiscuously while flipping the eggs. She was only fourteen, but there was something familiar about the way she moved. She looked like a younger version of Tracey. The version he had set to conquer, and did.
Tracey was always eye candy for the boys in school. She wasn’t aware of the attention and talk, and didn’t really care. She had her sights set on one person. Although he was a grade ahead of her, she couldn’t help but desire that their paths would cross at some point. He was a smooth talker and pretended to have his eye only on her. From the moment he slithered into her path, Tracey was never the same.
“Here you go daddy.”
Brystal handed her father a large plate of scrambled eggs with cheese, side of corn beef hash, toast, and a bowl of grits. She handed him some utensils and a paper napkin. She loved the attention she received from her father; because she knew her, other siblings were not as adored as she was.
“Thank you baby, that’s daddy’s girl. You gonna make sum one real happy one day. Just be careful with all this rich food you cookin, or you gonna end up like yo momma. Sloppy and fat, you see how she don’t do sh…”
Just then, Tracey walked in with a hurtful stair. She had overheard the comments he was about to share with their daughter. Instead of directing her anger towards him, she looked directly at Brystal with fire in her eyes.
“What are you doing Brystal?”
“What it look like,” Brystal replied sarcastically.
“I thought I told you…”
"She doin more than you ever do around this house and the food taste better! Leave da girl alone! You should stand over there and take sum lessons. Maybe she can teach you sumthin your lazy behind never learned. Leave her alone and go make yourself useful! Starting with that faggoty boy you got upstairs you can’t control. He tearin up errythang in dis damn house and you don’t say nuthin to him. That’s why I had to cuss his dumb ass out this morning.”
He continued to rant and rave at Tracey not even caring that Brystal was present. Brystal just stared with a sly grin on her face because she knew her father was about to put her mother in her place. Brystal didn’t care about the impetuous words because he was taking her side.
“And where is Miss Pissy? Let me guess, she somewhere crying? I don’t know what happened to those two porch monkeys, they must get their traits from yo side da family,” he snarled.
Tracey was stunned; she was just checked in front of her fourteen year old. Her heart became heavy and instead of responding, she stood silent. Tracey walked over to the sink and began to clean up the mess Brystal created from her so-called breakfast. Brystal and her father began to taunt the weak woman.
“Ain't that right baby,” he said to Brystal.
“You know it iz. Ma since you cleanin, imma get ready for school. Oh yea, I made the wonder brats breakfast too, but I am sure you can’t mum a thank you. Maybe you should ask permission first.”
Brystal giggled as she began to walk out of the kitchen. Before she left the room, she stopped and kissed her daddy on the cheek. Tracey refused to turn around and look either of them in the eyes. She was ashamed of the belittling she just endured.
“See ya daddy, I’m on my way to da bus stop.”
“Hol’on Brystal, Ka-jon is bout to be here, we can run you to school.”
Run her to school? Tracey thought. Tracey was trying to figure out why Ka-jon was coming over so early. Neither he nor Ka-jon had a job. Tracey knew she had to get to work, and her two younger children had to be dropped off at the bus stop. If she waited for both of them to get on the bus, she knew she would be late to work. Tracey did not have any other options but she refused to voice her concerns. To avoid any arguments Tracey said nothing and continued to clean the kitchen.
“Sure daddy, no problem, let me get my stuff.” Brystal said as she ran up the steps.
He exited the kitchen at the sound of the doorbell. He said nothing to Tracey and acted as if she were not present. This was Tracey’s household. This is what she had become accustomed to day in and day out. After last night, she wondered how she had gotten to this place in her life. What was Tracey’s excuse for allowing this to happen?
When Brystal and her father left the house, Tracey began to ponder. She could not believe what had just happened. Her fourteen-year-old daughter had just spoken to her as if she were trash in the street. Her husband had berated her and placed her in another compromising position.
Tracey could not believe this was her life. However, she knew she was only fooling herself; this had always been her life. She began to wonder if she was still asleep on Janine’s floor trying to balance out the other montage of issues, which had taken place in her home. Tracey knew she couldn’t fool herself because this activity always took place in her home. This chaos had gone on since the day she had married him. Since the day she said, “I do.”
Tracey was ignorant to the man she married. She didn’t budge at any of the signs. From his slick talking, numerous girlfriends, and despicable rumors, Tracey had ignored everything that was dangled right in front of her eyes. Tracey ignored the red flags because she desired this man. Other women were jealous of her and treated her cruelly. Tracey never stood up for herself and when he approached her with an offer, she immediately grabbed it. Tracey felt she deserved to be with him. She knew it would anger others because they would want what she had. She wanted to make a point to the people who taunted her daily. Tracey was determined to show them how wrong they were about her. She had the "guy" every girl wanted. What Tracey did not know was most of the jealous woman had already stumbled upon his deviance.
When he and Tracey started dating, they appeared to be so happy. He was her first love and first encounter. He loved her naiveté, and knew he could take advantage, at any given time. They were inseparable in the beginning. From that, moment on Tracey knew she would make it her life’s work to make him her husband. She was willing to do whatever was needed to keep her dream alive. She refused to argue even if he was wrong. Tracey did not want any confusion to cause a wedge in her relationship. He knew she would remain under his control for as long as he desired. Tracey believed most women made the mistake of not letting a man be a man. Tracey was going to handle her relationship differently so she could keep him happy. She refused to nag, question, or bother him about issues, which seemed trivial. Her concern was that he came home to her. Somewhere in her warped sense of thinking, she believed if other women lived by the same principals then they would be able to keep a man.
She could not appreciate when women would scream about what they would or would not tolerate. Tracey’s understanding of companionship was if you want to be in love, and want it to work, you would have to tolerate something. Running out at the first sign of any obstacles was not an option. It was going to work. She didn’t care what her mother, daddy, or friends thought. She and he were going to weather the storm and prove all of the naysayer’s wrong.
Tracey sat down at the kitchen table trying to remember the way it was. She now found her decisions to wreak total oblivion. She remembered the smiles and could not help but wonder if she could have done anything differently. She closed her eyes to meditate.
****
He and Tracey were married on June 30, two weeks after their high school graduation. He had left school for a brief period. Rumors had circulated about him having trouble with the law, but nothing was ever documented. When he returned he found himself in the same graduating class as Tracey. She helped him complete all of his credits so he could walk with her.
Tracey found out later that she was pregnant with their first child. Her parents thought it would be appropriate for Tracey to be married. They did not want her to be a single mother because of the appearance it would have created. They were not happy with the idea of her marrying him; however, they were strict Christians and did not believe a child should be born into this world without both of their biological parents. Tracey had no idea she came into this world under a false pretense, because her father was not her biological father.
Nevertheless, she and he were married in her grandmother’s huge backyard under a white gazebo. There were not many guests. Tracey’s sister and best friend Cynthia stood beside her in their JC Penney’s pink flowery dresses. Tracey wore an off-white suit. Tracey didn’t think spending a lot of money was necessary.
He was looking for a job and they were going to live in Section 8 housing. Tracey’s Aunt Barbara got a hook up from one her friends who worked for Social Services. Since she was pregnant, she qualified for all of the benefits. She just needed to make sure they didn’t find out about their marriage. Therefore, they didn’t change anything legally until four years later, but the ceremony was necessary for her parents. They took vows under God, which was enough for her and her parents.
Now she was married and didn’t have a care in the world. She had one of the finest men at her side daily. She was getting herself prepared to go to college because she had promised her mother she would not sit at home and become a welfare mom.
“The system is a temporary means of assistance.” Her mom would say.
She knew an education was necessary because she had always dreamed of becoming a Social Worker. Her pride would not allow her to ask her family, even though she knew their financial stability could assist her in her time of need. Tracey wanted to do things her own way.
Everything in Tracey’s life appeared to be moving fast. She spent two years at community college and changed her major to Business Administration. Somewhere in between classes and all the issues other people had keeping their households together no longer interested her.
She too had enough issues at home. Tracey miscarried in her first trimester. She tried and tried to get pregnant right after but things just did not seem to be going right.
He supposedly was working long hours. He didn’t talk to her, or even notice she was present. He seemed to have a chip on his shoulder since the day they said, I do. When they went to sign their official marriage license, he was two hours late arriving at City Hall. He claimed he was working on something and lost track of time. Tracey had never seen or been to a job of his and she just assumed he was preoccupied. Tracey believed there was no need to bother him. It was ok for him to help when he could. He had been hired and fired so many times before that the pressure of her nagging was not going to help the issue. It didn’t matter to her at first because she was getting money from financial aid. Rent was only fifty dollars, they had a nice house, and they never went without a thing. Section 8 was fantastic. They didn’t question anything going on in her house because she always kept things up to par. They were not going to increase rent because she was receiving assistance from the state. Tracey knew if she really got in a bind, she could swallow her pride and ask her family for help. In Tracey’s mind, this would be her last resort. Therefore, she and her husband lived in a four bedroom home, with two baths, living room, den, and a porch, for only fifty dollars a month. She was pursuing her education and had success on her mind.
****
Cynthia and Tracey were out making plans for graduation later on in the spring. They were so excited to finally graduate.
The program Tracey had entered allowed her to add extra credits to her already strenuous schedule. She doubled up on her classes and pushed herself to finish school. She believed the added stress of school might have caused some of the issues in her house. With her being out of school, she felt she could try to spend more time with her husband if he allowed her to. She assumed her plan was going to work out perfectly.
Tracey never got a chance to enjoy college life because she was bound to her home. He did not want her going out to parties and interacting with others.
Cynthia thought her friend was foolish. She never liked him from the time Tracey had expressed her feelings for him in high school. Cynthia was aware of the rumors, which circulated around his reputation. Once Tracey fell in love with him, there was no talking to her. Cynthia decided she would stand beside her friend regardless of her decisions.
They had been driving around all day trying to figure out how they were going to celebrate once they received their diplomas. Tracey became hungry and wanted Cynthia to stop so they could grab a bite to eat. Cynthia wanted to continue to shop and plan for their big day, but Tracey insisted.
“Girl I am craving hot dogs and French fries,” said Tracey.
“Hot dogs and French fries Tracey? We can eat in my momma’s kitchen girl.”
“No Cynnie, I want Andrew’s Grill,” pleaded Tracy.
“Andrew’s Grill, really, are you crazy? Girl they are nasty and their hotdogs are not that big.”
Cynthia laughed because she made a joke with sexual undertones. Cynthia had a dirty mind. She was always making dirty jokes and talking about her sex life. Cynthia was single and living life to the fullest. Tracey always insisted she try to settle down.
“You are out of your mind. Andrew’s has the best hot dogs I have ever eaten in my life.”
Cynthia laughed again.
“I am just craving them for some reason.”
“Girl you have been craving anything that won’t bite you back. You better slow down before graduation gets here; we are going to have to put you in a tent all by yourself.”
Tracey knew she had put on a few pounds but she was not aware if they were actually noticeable. She thought it could be the stresses of her home but she would never admit it to anyone let alone her best friend. Cynthia went ahead and verified her suspicions of her weight gain.
“Girl you’re becoming a fatty,” said Cynthia. “When is the last time you saw your woman’s works?”
“Huh…,” Tracey said.
“Key lo-lo, down low...” Cynthia said while pointing her hand to her femininity below her belt.
“I see it all the time,” said Tracey as she rolled her eyes.
“Uh, huh, in the mirror as you admire your naked body,” Cynthia burst out into laughter again.
“Don’t start Cynthia I have been under a little stress and sometimes I eat for comfort.”
“Sure it does. So I guess I should ask you what you don’t eat, cuz you have eaten everything you have come in contact with for the last month. Except the dog that was going to fight you, after you sniffed his bowl.”
“Girl shut up! Look, let’s go get my hot dogs.”
While Cynthia was turning into the parking lot of Andrew’s Grill, she noticed a green Honda Civic parked with a couple who appeared to be in a heated conversation in the corner near the garbage cans. The windows were cracked because it was cold outside. Their faces were a blur but anyone could see they were arguing. Tracey and Cynthia could make out some of the words they were saying but not the entire conversation. Just then, the young man in full throttle punched the young woman in her face. She began to scream and belted profanities at him.
The man said, “You stupid bitch! I told you there is nothing I can do!”
She returned the blow hitting him with some object she must have grabbed. Cynthia and Tracey became concerned and wondered if they should interfere. Tracey looked to see whom she could signal for help.
“Girl, stay out of folk business,” said Cynthia. “They are going to fuss and make up. Trust me the police will get here and then she will be sorry they were called.”
They watched the couple go back and forth for a few more seconds just to make sure there was no immediate danger. It appeared she was throwing just as many blows as he was. The debacle was a sight for sore eyes. The women decided not to stay to watch the rest of the action. Cynthia drove off never to even enter the store.
“Girl, what did we come out here for?”
“I don’t know, but at least we didn’t have to go home to watch the Jerry Springer show. Ha, ha,” laughed Tracey.
“Folk is crazy,” said Cynthia.
“But she a good one, I would have tried to kill his ass if he hit me like that,” Tracey said rolling her eyes.
“Does it really matter the type of abuse, whether it be physical or mental?” Cynthia retorted.
Tracey ignored Cynthia’s question. Cynthia could not believe Tracey’s rational of abuse. She knew Tracey was detached but not this far-gone from reality. Tracey did not believe her situation was as devastating as the fight she just witnessed. She thought to herself. As long as that nigga do not get crazy and act like he wanna fight, we will be all right.
That afternoon, Tracey prepared a feast for her man because she thought she needed to make more of an effort. He appeared to be stressed. She didn’t know what to do for him. His imaginary job was keeping him out at all times of the night and he was hardly ever at home. They didn’t even have enough time to make love. The last time they made love, he appeared very angry and distracted. Once he was finished he hopped up and left the house. This was about four weeks prior. Tracey was determined she was going to get some affection that night.
Nine, nine- thirty, ten, ten- thirty, eleven, eleven -thirty, twelve…
Oh God where is he, she pondered? Just then, her phone rang.
“Hello,” Tracey answered.
A recording came on, “You have a collect call from the City Jail, from…” Tracey froze and began to become anxious. What is going on God what has happened?
“Yes I accept,” she said in a panic.
“Tracey,” he said. “Baby I need you to come and get me.”
He seemed so disheveled over the phone. Tracey did not give him time to explain. She heard her husband’s voice on the other end and all she could do was grab her bags and run to his rescue.
Tracey waited outside with the bail bondsmen who had agreed to meet Tracey at the jail and get him released. Tracy did not even bother to ask what was going on, she only knew she needed to be there for her husband now, and ask questions later.
The steel doors opened to the jail and out came her husband appearing as if he had been battered. He had a slight head trauma with dried blood to the upper left part of his eye. His lip was swollen and face was scratched up.
“Baby what happened to you!” Tracey screamed. “Who did this to you?”
Feeling ashamed, he held his head down. He did not want to explain any of the happenings of the evening. He knew Tracey was not going to pressure him. He was just happy to be out of jail.
“I am okay baby. Thank you for coming to get me.”
The bail bondsmen shook his head in astonishment of Tracey’s response to her husband. She automatically assumed he was the victim even though he was the person who was locked up. The bails bondsman was aware of the charges and did not a mum a word to Tracey. When he realized the bail, bondsman did not go over his charges he decided he did not need to explain himself. He never said exactly what happened, and told Tracey, he would take care of it.
Tracey was so worried and scared. She believed someone was after her husband. He took the time out to explain how he was attacked but because he was drunk in public, he claimed that was why the police arrested him. Not once did Tracey figure out he should have been at work. She did not even question when he had time to get a drink. He did not smell like alcohol, he smelled like cheap perfume. Wild Irish Rose, she thought.
“Baby you can’t be drinking that stuff, it will kill you. Come on upstairs let me give you a bath.”
That night he made love to Tracey, as he had never done before. Tracey was happy and believed every word her husband had uttered.
****
Seven and a half months later Brystal Renee Collins was born. Tracey was already portly before and after graduation and the level of stress she was going through during her husband’s legal activity did not help. Tracey developed blood clots in her legs, and at one point, the doctors were not sure if she or the baby would survive. Luckily, she was already on bed rest at the time Brystal was delivered prematurely. Brystal was small and beautiful. Her father thought the world of her.
“She is perfect,” he said. “She is going to make my life so much better. You watch baby, she is our good luck charm.”
He had been supportive since he spent his time in jail. Tracey was not able to attend his court hearings because of the issues she was having during her pregnancy. He knew she was going to support him even if she was not aware of all the details. He was relieved she was not aware of all the despicable particulars.
“Baby, why do they keep continuing this court case?” Tracey asked.
“Baby don’t worry bout it, the lawyer said he is working on sumthin, because the guy is saying it was self-defense. You know a bunch of technical terms, I don’t even care bout.”
He could not get his lie straight so he pretended to be focus on the baby. He did not want Tracey asking any more questions. He was trying not to be insensitive but he knew if he provided any elements of the case, then Tracey might ask more questions.
“I just know we are all better now, since baby girl is here.”
When she looked at his face and saw how happy he was, she thought it would be a shame to steal his joy. She stopped asking him questions because, in the end, it really did not matter. She had her family and this was all she wanted.
“I know we are baby. We are going to be just fine.”
He followed Brystal around the house. He would not let other people talk to her or touch her. He kept Brystal on a pedestal and most of the time he didn’t even want Tracey to interfere with anything that they were doing.
I will take her here, I will do this, and I will do that.
He paid more attention to Brystal than he did Tracey. Tracey was upset by this at first, but she found an excuse for his behavior. She convinced herself she had never seen a man love his child the way he did. If people know like I know they had better not ever bother her because her daddy would kill them. She considered his actions territorial because Brystal was his first-born.
****
Tracey began getting Brystal ready for daycare because she had to recertify her paperwork for Section 8. She could have kept Brystal at home but she believed she needed to interact with children her age. She wanted to go back to school, so she could have a chance of getting better employment opportunities. The money she was bringing in paid the bills but she still had to depend on assistance to cover his part. She knew she would only have to use the government services just a little while longer with him going through his court issues.
He told her he had been fired from his job because he had been locked up. There was only one car in the household, and Tracey needed to get around daily. Not to mention it was her car that she had purchased. Every morning he left bright and early to make it to the city bus so he could complete his daily tasks. Well at least that is what he told Tracey.
Tracey walked into the Department of Social Services realizing how much she hated coming to the office. Tracey felt her circumstances were different from the other women present; she was only receiving partial assistance. She could not believe most of the women survived from day to day, off one check that was issued monthly. She refused to live under those conditions. Tracey knew she was not going to have to wait long because she still dealt with her aunt’s friend who had handled all of her affairs for years.
Sitting diagonally from Tracey, was a woman who stared at her as if she knew her. Tracey was positive she had never met the woman a day in her life. Tracey thought. She had better look the other way before I drop this 190 on her frail ass.
The woman was about 5’6 brown skin, and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She was not skinny but she definitely was not Tracey’s stature and clearly did not want to get stomped after Tracey gave her the look of death. The woman had a child with her who appeared mentally retarded. Tracey gathered her thoughts and immediately felt bad when the woman picked her son up and moved her chair to the other side of the room. He could not have been more than 3 years old.
Tracey thought to herself. Lord I thank you for taking care of Brystal during our time of need. It could be the other way. But we are so, so blessed to have our baby girl. Her daddy adores her and I love her dearly. A tear almost fell from her eye but she noticed the young woman had left some papers in the next chair. When Tracey went to pick them up and hand them to her, the woman immediately snatched the paper work right out of her hands.
She shouted, “This is mine!”
Tracey stood back and realized something was not right with this young woman. She did not want to cause a scene so she cracked a fake smile. Tracey tried not to over react but the woman was starting to get under her skin.
“Ma’am I know that,” stated Tracey. “I saw that you had left them on the chair, and I was actually bringing them to you.”
“Look I don’t need nuthin from you. I will get what I need. Trust me… me and my son are fine!”
Tracey looked puzzled. She had no idea what the woman was talking about. She looked at her son and her heart became heavy again. She knew arguing in front of the child was not the appropriate thing to do. Tracey stepped back from the agitated woman.
“I don’t know what your problem is but you have a good day,” said Tracey.
“Tracey? Tracey?”
The woman behind the counter called her name. She saw the confusion, which was glaring up in the waiting room. She didn’t have time to intercede so she called Tracey’s name repeatedly to get her attention.
“Mrs. Cunningham will see you now.”
Tracey had fallen into a daze trying to figure out what just transpired. The woman continued to stare at her with abhorrence. She looked as if she wanted to pounce on Tracey for no apparent reason. Tracey turned from the woman. She walked over to the counter and asked the receptionist where she needed to go. Tracey tried to take her mind off the mysterious woman. Tracey had other pressing issues in which she was more concerned.
“Mrs. Cunningham, thank you for always seeing me in such a timely fashion.”
“Not a problem Tracey, I needed to talk to you because some changes had to be made on your rent.”
“Changes?” questioned Tracey.
“Yes ma’am you have been paying fifty dollars for rent for the last six years. Times are changing so we have to update your paper work with your information. Do not worry; I have not added anything about you being married. Since he is not working, right now you would not have any issues in the first place. Now I received your paycheck stubs about a week ago. You seem to be doing okay with the income you are getting. Therefore, there will be an adjustment of $250 to your current rent payments. Now this will not take affect for another three months. This should be enough time for you and your husband to resolve some of the issues you are having. These payments should be manageable.”
“Please, this is still a blessing there are some people that are probably paying double that. I have no complaints ma’am.”
Tracey gathered up her paper work and proceeded to leave. When she went back in the waiting room, she realized the young woman she previously had a confrontation with was no longer present. Tracey did not think much of the incident and returned home.
****
Two years later, Tracey received a letter from the Department of Social Services notifying her that her Section 8 was going to be terminated if she did not provide paper work of all her income for her household.
The letter stated:
Mrs. Collins,
This letter is to inform you that you may be due for an increase in rent. If your marital status or income has changed, you will need to update our records immediately. If we do not hear from you by 9/10/2000, your rent will increase to $875. This is the original renting price. This is not including benefits from Section 8. Please note this information will not be backdated. However, this information must be updated before the following date above.
If you have any questions or concerns, please speak with your new caseworker. My information has been provided below. Thank you for your immediate attention with regard to the matters listed above.
Sincerely,
Ms. Bello
(434) -554-2145 Cell
(434) -535-2117 Office
Hours of Operation
Mon-Fri 8am-5pm
What the heck is this? Tracey thought. Where is Mrs. Cunningham? Tracey went to grab the phone and down the steps ran Brystal.
“Mommy, Mommy where is daddy!”
“I am not sure honey but mommy has to take care of something right quick so give me a second,” Tracey said agitated.
“But mommy, I want daddy!
“Brystal,” Tracey said firmly. “He is not here. I will take care of whatever you need in just a few minutes.”
“I hate you,” Brystal screamed! She began to stomp away from her mother.
Tracey was shocked, at the words of her 4 year old. She could not believe a child knew such a strong word as hate. Where did she learn this from, her mother pondered?
“You hate me?”
Tracey immediately dropped the phone and went to snatch the soon to be five year old. Right when she grabbed the little girl, the phone rang. She looked at Brystal and wanted to throw her across the room. Tracey knew she needed to channel her anger before she hurt her child.
“I don’t know where you got that from but I will smack the piss out of your mouth, if I ever here it again.”
Brystal was shocked her mother had grabbed her in such a manner. She was rarely disciplined and thought she could get away with murder.
Her father always stepped in during her time of need. She was a very keen child. Even as bold as she knew she could be around her father, she did not feel the need to take any chances with her mother today.
Brystal got herself in order, wiped her nose saying, “I sorry mommy,” and ran up the steps.
What had gotten into that child, Tracey thought? Tracey needed to focus on the matters at hand. She remembered the phone had rung. She ran over to the caller ID and she did not recognize the number. It was the Clerk’s Office, at the courthouse.
“Hello,” said Tracey. “I just received a call from this number.”
“Yes, is this Mrs. Collins?”
“Yes.”
“I was asked to give you a call by a Lawyer named, Mr. C. J. Jenkins. He stated he needs you to come to the courthouse tomorrow at 9 am.”
“9 am, what is this about?”
“This is about a legal matter ma’am. He will answer all of your questions when you meet. If you have any additional questions, you will need to contact Mr. Jenkins at the following number 434-665-8986. Thank you Mrs. Collins, have a good day.”
Tracey was puzzled. She did not know any Mr. Jenkins, and she had no legal issues that she was aware of. What the hell? What is going on today? First Section 8… Oh, my God Section 8. Tracey had almost fallen over the phone cord. Everything around her seemed to be going at a fast pace. She needed answers about the letter she had received. She needed to call Mrs. Cunningham immediately.
Tracey picked up the phone and dialed her number. It rang several times until the answering machine picked up. Tracey was infuriated.
“You have reached….”
Tracey immediately hung up and called her aunt. She knew she would have an answer because all she did was gossip and keep up with the latest news. Besides, Mrs. Cunningham was one of Barbara’s best friends. Aunt Barbara answered the phone.