TOP TWAT TWIT TOSH
By Paul Bowden
SMASHWORDS EDITION
Published on Smashwords by Paul Bowden
Copyright © Paul Bowden 2011
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Social media is that great invention that allows us to broadcast information, images and our opinions to the world. Sometimes it lets us send these words and pictures only to people that we have agreed can be part of our social group (which seems like a sensible idea) but at other times anyone at all can choose to receive our broadcasts and then pass those broadcasts on to whoever has chosen to be on the receiving end of their broadcasts, and so on ad infinitum, which means that any tosh we broadcast effectively becomes available to the whole world.
The problem is that most of us don't have anything worth saying. That's why we're not paid to work in the 'real' media. What we say generally isn't worth hearing (except perhaps by family and friends and work colleagues), so social media - or at least some of it - seems to have solved a problem that doesn't exist, namely how can people with no meaningful connection to each other broadcast and receive each other's worthless opinions and useless information? It seems to me that social media is to a large extent being used by twats to send out masses of pointless messages to other twats. A person who is pointless and a waste of time and space is sometimes known as a twit, so I think a twat's message should be called a twit. (I hope no one is thinking of pinching my idea, or using a similar word to describe social media messages!)
I've taken real messages found on social media (but I haven't identified who the originators of those messages are) and I now present them to you (with some inventions and some editing) as a collection of the sort of tosh that twats twit! This is their top stuff!
To be fair, I have to admit that I've occasionally found a little gem of wisdom or some useful advice or information on social media, so I have included some of those sorts of message as well to give a slightly more balanced view of what social media is really like. Even so, it would be nice if we were able, or chose, to filter out all the twats, twits and tosh that are irrelevant and pointless and just receive the useful, clever and pertinent messages. If we did that, however, we probably wouldn't call it social media any more. We'd have to call it something like … the telephone!
THE TOP TWAT TWIT TOSH BEGINS HERE
Never confuse being strong and being naive. Never confuse being dumb and being in love with just plain being dumb.
Sometimes I wanna forward on the dumb shit I see on social media, but I'm afraid the people in my network would think I agree with the messages these other fools are sending out.
I hate hoes that just be so desperate to be loved.
Stupid ass niggas don't know a good bitch when they got one. They rather go tricking with a slut.
Regrets are useless thoughts that cripple our future.
If no dudes try to talk to ya girl, you are not winning. (Translation - she's ugly af!)
Cars in general are a waste of money. Who really needs a BMW or Benz? We'd all be fine riding around in Corollas for practicality.
I am hereby declaring myself completely teetotal.
"You're stuttering, so you're lying." That's a lie! People stutter when they're nervous, or just have a natural stutter like my bro.
Did Anyone Ever Tell You That Your Tits Look Saggy As Shit? O_O Yikes! You Should Really Cover Them. They Look Nasty.
The marijuana's loud and them hoes are following it like they follow people on social media.
I am capitalism, and I keep you warm at night. I keep you blind and ambitious.
I hate those really chubby white girls that dress black and date black guys.
"Wow, did you go to Glastonbury?" Listen, no one cares. You stink and we all hate you. And take the wrist band off … we don't need evidence.
OK, grammar dork, I'll explain the infield fly rule in baseball to you if you'll explain to me what a dangling participle is.
IDK why he says whoever wakes up first is to text the other, cuz he knows I always wake up before him. Punk!
Never ever put your hair next to a cooker when it's lit. It's dangerous. (Especially if you are a full-on thicko like me!)
I appreciate my dad for trying to build a relationship outside of just buying me what I want.
I know a place where the grass really is greener.
I see through all my friends' bullshit and flaws but I stay friends because they see through my bullshit and flaws and stand by me.
No classy black girl wants a white boy who tries to act urban. I want an authentic surfer dude, a beer-drinking, blond haired white boy.
I wanna talk to you, but it's too hard when I feel like I just annoy you.
Eww! Crazy fkn mutt tried to attack me! I swear that dog is demonic. -__-
I collect pubic hair from previous relationships.
God is truly working on, in and through us both. We're on the way to a sturdy type of love.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Girls , it's OK to have boyfriends, just don't revolve your life around them or you'll find yourself sooner or later to have no life at all.
I hate when people think I'm joking and I be dead serious.
Reading my Facebook news feed does nothing but annoy me. Why oh why am I friends with so many moaning, childish people?
A lot of y'all males just mess with the wrong girls and that's what gives y'all a negative view of females.
Don't mean to be rude, but hey, old people, less driving, more dying. Thanks.
I don't pop pills for nobody.
This girl is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust her. She is a FUGLY SLUT.
It's so sad how much y'all girls think y'all did it big for y'all prom :'( My god, y'all looked HORRIBLE! Only a few of you looked cute.
I woke up at like four to go piss. Okay?
I care cack.
I feel like I could down a glass of mauby, then a glass of sorrell, then a glass of golden apple juice, then a glass of ginger beer.
The combination to my vagina is in, out, in, out, in, right, right, left, out, in, out, in, out, yes, yes, yes, oh my god, YES!
My dad never replies to my texts till like a day later. tf!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
Social media amuses me. It's full of professional spell checkers, wannabe models, full time celebrity worshippers, social network thugs, fake CEOs … all sorts!
Can I have one day this week that doesn't make me want to slam my head into a wall somewhere? Pretty please? With cherries and chocolate?
What would u do if ur married friends told u they were swingers and asked u to partake in festivities?
Get up, get going and do something great. You deserve it, and so does the world.
But I tell u this. Give me a lemon and I'll give u back a tall glass of lemonade.
Being single doesn't mean no one wants you. It means God is busy writing your love story.
You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
Studies show that if your parents was sprung on drugs you can come out retarded and with a dinosaur grill, so I guess that's your excuse.
A gentleman is loyal, true, of humane and affable demeanor, and honorable both in himself and in his judgment of others.
Staying with someone who doesn't appreciate you will eventually cause you to depreciate.
I only follow the very finest people I can find on social media - people who are fun, facinating, amazing, interesting, etc. Anything less would just be a waste of my time.
Am I the only one that sees my sister is a douche bag?
I can't continue to be naïve and clueless. The evidence is right there in my face.
Too ambitious and very impatient … that's a very, very bad combination.
Waiting at the corner for the light to change, I heard a kid say to another, "Look, STD's aren't pokemon. You don't have to catch them all."
Some people really piss me off. They're cruel, stupid and foolish.
I'm convinced that if you give your daughter an ugly name she will grow up to be ugly.
Remember the three f's - you're not fucking me, feeding me or financing me, so your opinions really don't matter.
Seeing that you have seven albums of you being a sloppy drunk on Facebook, I have every right to judge you. Such class!
I hate when people put me on hold.
Let us be mindful today that power of life and death is in the tongue. Let us watch what we say.
Well, teacher, I'm sorry I'm not in Art today. Yes, it's my fault my teeth are retards and I have to go to the dentist. Go and fuck yourself, cunt!
It never seems like my work days move by fast enough, but my days off are over before I can effing blink. Screw you, relativity!
A woman who doesn't discover her worth will sell it under value and wonder why her stock continuously declines.
I'm going through my first eBay experience. I now understand the panic it causes. If I don't win, I'm gonna headbutt the screen ... or just sulk!
I'm a handkerchief, so if you actin' snotty, I'm gonna wipe you out!
There's this odd cross-dressing man in Hooterville who thinks he's a woman named Millie and he wants to be my friend on Facebook. WHY ME?
Social media isn't for the faint at heart. Everybody is so rude and disrespectful!
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but it pales in comparison to the power of the mind. Aspire to be the writer of your own destiny.
I've got golden rubbers in these denim pockets, and on my waist there's a black Glock.
If you're still a bad man at the age of thirty, you're not actually a bad man anymore ... YOU'RE A PUBLIC FOOL! A WASTE OF A MAN!
Live without pretending, love without depending, listen without defending, speak without offending.
I noticed the illiterate typo in my message moaning about illiteracy. I'm not going to delete it. I think it adds something. It adds humanity to pomposity!
In a world full of lies, hype and complexity, I'm searching for sincerity.
I'm in the Lake District, ready for a walk in the rain and then some fine real ales and scoff, so it'll be smelly farts tomorrow!
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today. She was seeing someone else.
How come whenever we go shopping, I spend the money, hold the bags and end up looking like a weirdo standing outside the fitting rooms while you try things on?
Some men are so crass. Can't they wait to adjust their package in a bathroom? My goodness!
I just ran into a snake outside my door. He thought he scared me but I was reaching to pick him up and he took off. I was gonna cook that fucker!
Why am I such a tit? Ha! OMG! I just ruin everything and kill all conversation.
What does parsley and pubic hair have in common? Push it aside and keep on eating!
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? It's so that men can understand them.
A wise person kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before being left.
I would really love to encounter a ladyboy.
My co-worker is trying to explain 'animal magnetism' to our Japanese co-worker, who is now confused and thinks I am into bestiality.
Remember when teachers, nurses, postal workers and librarians crashed the stock market, took huge bonuses and paid no taxes? No, me neither.
Lazy creatures that we are, we find it easier to fixate on envying people rather than on reforming ourselves.
Ladies, look for a man with small hands so your breasts will look big to him.
One thing I can't stand is when people don't text me back. It's the most annoying thing EVER.
I'm laughing so hard that I'm sweating and on the verge of projectile vomiting all over my bed.
Don't waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window, or break down a door.
I'm so tired of people who constantly complain about their lives but who do nothing to make things better.
Non-alcoholic fatty liver is becoming the most prevalent liver condition.
Fat ugly bird walks into a bar and says, "First one to guess my weight can shag me." Bloke at the back shouts, "Ninety-three stone, you ugly cow!" "Near enough!" she says.
The idea that America has allies because America is purely altruistic is ludicrous. We are not altruistic.
I love shaming my brother by going on his history and showing my mum his porn.
Knowledge is power. The most successful people in life are the ones with the best information. People with power are people who know how to make things happen.
I truly hate the justice system, but if this nigga don't stop putting his hands on me and talking shit, I'm sending his ass back to jail.
I ripped my dress pants again. I legitimately have humungous buttocks.
I hate people who get buck when they're drunk. That's just liquid courage.
Buddha once said, "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles."
Drunk drivers are the scum of the earth. First offense, you should get a minimum ten years, period.
I cannot describe the pleasure of being able to call my co-workers 'Stinky' and 'Lazybones' all the time.
I like to snatch kisses, and vice versa!
Did I just do something stupid? I did, didn't I? Actually I did it some hours ago. Crud. Crud crud cruddity crud. WHY?
Creating a constitution is like handing the car keys to your teetotal friend before going binge-drinking on power.
I'm in bed with my cousin and my ol gurl, talkin bout stupid but important shit.
I'm bout to start using 'coon' in my everyday vocab, lol.
Wise words from a customer - if you can't be happy sober, you sure can't be happy drunk.
If you ever worry you've made bad choices, just remember the world's youngest grandma is twenty-three years old.
If you stayin in an abusive relationship, you as dumb as hell.
Fornication is the way of the world.
I hate when people get mouthy over the phone or internet. If you can't say things to a person's face, why say them at all?
A woman can cry for someone she didn't really love. A man cries only for someone he truly loved.
Foolish people post photos of themselves on holiday, blind drunk, whilst swearing to a judge that they're teetotal and perfect parents. pfft!
No one ever gets tired of being loved, but everyone gets tired of waiting, assuming, hearing lies, hearing sorry's and hurting.
We've been together for so long that I just wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Chocolate, will you marry me?
Be miserable, or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.
You can chase the money but I rather collect it.
A little boy saw a puppy. He went near it and touched it. Again he touched it. Again he touched it. Again he touched it. What a touching story!
My brother just came out with the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard, and my mum believed him! Dear God!
Oh my God, seriously, I hate passing by Farrer Park and Little India. FOREIGNERS, THIS IS NOT YOUR LAND. PLEASE HAVE SOME MANNERS! Thank you.
You can't be gay and wanna walk with JESUS. GOD don't like gayness or nun o dat.
My dress blew up right in front of some vile old man. :| At least I had nice knickers on! :L
I don't give a fuck. God sent me to piss the world off.
When we have nothing to worry about, we are not doing much, and not doing much may supply us with plenty of future worries.
If your man is cheating on you, ladies, never call the woman he is cheating with. That's a fail mixed with desperation.
I'm trying to find a public toilet in north London. I'm really worried actually. Don't know if I followed through with that fart. o_O (No joke!)
Reality is just an unpleasant illusion that occurs when you don't party hard enough.
According to this guy in my unit who doesn't like me, I am a pompous, liberal douche. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
You can't have a plan for your day until you have a plan for your life.
I don't smoke no more, as y'all can see. I haven't sent out any high messages all week. I'm completely sober.
Ewwwwwww! Why did you tell me what a beaver bong is?
Until there is full employment you cannot talk about 'the workshy'. There are no jobs!
I go to the most annoying school ever with some of the most annoying people ever. I can't wait till summer break. I'm not gonna miss NOBODY.
Warning - Islam is coming. Goal is 'grand jihad eliminating and destroying Western civilization from within'.
If you keep having to figure out where you stand with someone, maybe it's time to start walking instead.
I could never afford a heroin habit. It would cut into my stilettos budget.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody's watching, and love like you've never been hurt.
Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.
I have fallen in love.
I've been helping kids make abstract compositions all fudgin day long and they repay me in farts. A bit of decorum, please, you snotty freaks.
Also, whoever that girl was, she just made a stupid argument. She said, "Divorce will only make an abusive husband abuse someone else." SERIOUSLY?!
Roses are red, violets are blue, faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you!
You can punish me if you want. I'm a man. I can take it. Just don't punish the children.
Honor your teachers. Study your lessons. Everything y'all are trying to do, remember ... SOMEONE HAS ALREADY DONE IT! GIVE THEM RESPECT!
Happy first day of summer! I hope you spent yours somewhere other than in an overcrowded office. Not that I'm bitter. No, I'm not bitter at all.
Old people, there's really no need to push in so aggressively at the bus stop. Haven't you seen how many seats there are on the bloody bus?
It's beer o'clock on the east coast. Cheers!
Sorry if I can't be the one that you really want. I know I'm selfish, I easily get jealous and I'm silly and childish.
I'm gonna fix everything, return to my old self, and bring happiness to all of my people.
Every forty seconds someone commits suicide. If you're there to listen to anyone who needs to talk, let people know on your social media network know.
Going GREEN means going DARK. Entering the Green Ages = returning to the Dark Ages. Are you Crazy? No Way! Reject Liberal Agendas!
Spam messages get on my nerves.
Social media is a bloody battlefield. We should seriously get gallantry awards for this.
Riddle - Who might not come when you call but is always on time? Answer - God.
If niggas worried about money as much as they do about pussy, y'all would be rich, lol!
It doesn't really motivate you to do a class in the gym when you see the instructor walk in and he's a fatty bum bum.
There's an albino on my floor. I know it's rude, but I keep staring at her. She gives me the creeps.
When I start catching deep feelings for a guy, I usually make myself stop talking to him. I'm not letting myself get hurt again.
Protect her, fight for her, kiss her, love her, hold her, laugh with her, but don't make her fall if you don't plan to catch her.
Dear teenage girl in the shopping mall wearing denim shorts and a tank top … if nothing else, I admire your commitment to being a skank!
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
I'm the opposite of a slut because I never give a fuck.
No female should settle for being the side chick and then feel proud of it.
That yogurt definitely tasted like vomit.
I like to sit on the crapper and drop timber.
I don't like buff guys. Ew!
I don't know how I'd feel if a guy referred to my vagina as 'the box'. Where's the romance and sexiness in that?
"In my day they were called turd burglars." - My mother on homosexuals.
I wish some people could understand how hard it is to actually admit you're gay/lesbian/bisexual. They actually think it's easy.
If your child is climbing tables in a restaurant, perhaps pop wasn't the best choice of drink to give your child.
Religious people turn to their Faith in times of need. If Faith worked, the Dark Ages would have been great!
Did you hear what that star said? - "I don't care if people criticize me. Those people have to go back to their crappy lives tomorrow."
The most common modes of expression on the internet are anger, irony and curiosity. It pisses me off, which is interesting!
That awkward moment when you give someone the silent treatment because you're mad at them … but they don't even notice!
If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Voicemail left for dad - "Hope you're having a good day. As for me, I'm spending it with your ex-wife and your sister."
Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits.
Sometimes I have to laugh at my damn self.
Helped my mate recycle his glass bottles today. Dared him to put a green one in the brown bank. He only went and did it! Should have seen us run!
I'm curled up in the futile position.
A positive attitude may not solve every problem, but it makes solving any problem a more pleasant experience.
Sometimes I miss you so much I just want to rip you out of my dreams and hug you.
Ever beep the horn at a chick while she's walking with her dude, then the dude gets mad at her cuz she looked? Me neither, lol!
8-year-olds today have social media and phones and iPods. When I was their age I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk and imagination.
No, darling, 56 guys didn't like your profile picture because you're 'pretty', they liked it because your BOOBS are hanging out!
Some people choose the wrong time to talk waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much. Please God, help me and spare me from their absurdity.
Women perform 66% of the world's work, earn 10% of world's income and own 1% of the world's property. Food for thought.
Someone who's bitter will never have or be in a successful relationship no matter how wonderful their partner is.
Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out.
I just got my STD/HIV test results back and I'm negative, bitches! Clean as a whistle. :)
It hurts when someone hits you in the nuts.
The best moves are silent. That way the haters can't keep up with you.
Monster dog is having a gas problem. He's been farting all day and it's super stinky.
Niggaz balls prolly od musty n salty in this heat.
Abandon not the everlasting beauty for a beauty that must die, and set not your affections on this mortal world of dust.
Glen is trying to slit his wrist with a plastic knife. lmao. Good luck with that!
Pick up yer housephone, ya turd!
What is it that makes some people hold onto tradition so tightly, whereas others are happy to move forward?
I don't fear Fathers Day. My nuts are in a jar of formaldehyde on the mantelpiece in my ex-wife's house.
One time this butthole surfer said to me, "It's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do."
Great. I can hardly sleep. And on top of that, I threw up, again. I hate my life.
It's crazy how music can bring you back to a specific time, place and feeling.
If you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything.
34, never been married, single mother, works odd jobs, lives with her parents, no car, battling mental illness ... need I go on?
Obstacles are camouflaged opportunities.
I love our morning fart competitions.
My fascination with women makes monogamy rather tricky at times.
In 1963 The Beatles recorded their first album 'Please Please Please Me' in just nine hours at Abbey Road Studio.
Social media should be for family, friends and colleagues, but I have loads of other people in my network. I'm gonna delete some of the ugly ones!
Life is what happens to you while you're making plans for the future. Learn to live for the moment.
It does annoy me that whenever I'm ill everyone is super nice to me, yet normally most people are complete douchebags to me.
I hate interfering people in doctors' waiting rooms. I'm here to see a doctor, not to have strangers tell me what they think is wrong with me!
I only ever pass on other people's messages when I'm being uncreative and can't think up anything witty to say myself.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald that they don't recognize you.
I finally got my dog to catch a frisbee like a demon. I'm so freakin' proud of him! Oh, and one of the kids got some sort of award in school.
My connections with the people around me are evolving and becoming stronger and more mature. It's beautiful to see love grow.
I want to make a cack.
If you've ever hit a woman, then you're scum and not a real man. A real man simply ignores his woman and busies himself with social media!
I remember when I was a kid and wanted so bad to grow up, but now I would do anything to be a kid again.
No guy or girl wants to go down on a hairy ass pussy and get pubes caught in their teeth. Like, yuck!
She love it when I hit her wit the deep stroke, nibble on her ear and give her a nice choke. I got her grabbin at the sheets like a tug-o-war rope.
Sometimes to get what you want the most you have to do what you want the least.
So I think I'm gonna audit some business classes in the fall. I'm super excited about it. Am I a nerd for loving learning?
Er, Harry Potter did not invent the invisibility cloak. It was an invention on Klingon Birds of Prey before Harry Potter even lived.
GENTLEMAN'S TIP - She requires fuel in order to be intimate. Communication fuels her.
U know I take the pussy seriously. Let me tell u, u gotta take the pussy seriously.
Donated money to Planned Parenthood. Anyone who doesn't understand how important this organization is to millions of people … you make me sad.
I like watching people fight. It's really funny, especially if their motives are retarded.
When I was a child and it rained, my mother would say, "That's God crying." "I am not an idiot," I would reply. "God is never sad."
It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games my children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television!
There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. Think about that before you judge someone.
I've never been on a date, lol. Isn't that ridiculous?
Life would be much easier if boys came with an instruction manual.
Don't let your ears witness what your eyes didn't see. Don't let your mouth speak what your heart doesn't feel.
That was funny, but I don't like you, therefore I won't laugh.
MYPENISINMYMOUTH! Shame on you if you didn't read that as 'my pen is in my mouth!'.
That great feeling you get when you see a smile on a person's face and you know that you put it there.
Social media is kinda like school. There's drama, relationships, the popular, the nobodies and the newbies.
I'm not clumsy, it's just that the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in my way.
This message is pointless. Sorry for wasting your time.
Here's my dilemma - one half of me wants ya and the other half wants to forget ya.
Smart girls open their minds, easy girls open their legs, foolish girls open their hearts.
I dislike it when someone ignores me, especially when that person means the whole world to me.
Just get on with it and piss it down, stupid weather! Must we tease each other so?
God created happiness and sorrow. Therefore you must enjoy both and grow every day.
Dis nigga a butthole bandit!
My dad had two boats. Today is one of those days I wish we knew where they were.
Facebook is really just another Bebo.
If dish detergent is strong enough to cut grease, it should be able to get rid of my fishy smell. I'm completely out of soap.
Not spoken to my dad yet. Do children from broken homes still have to 'do' Father's Day? I mean really, come on! Won't a text suffice?
I am guilty of doing walk-by farts, especially to people who piss me off. I'll do it. I'll walk to a spot, then wait to see their reaction.
Just because I have herpes and own eight dogs that defecate freely throughout the house doesn't mean I won't be a good father.
I think reality shows are starting to rust the human soul.
White girls will suck your dick because you have a first, middle and last name. Gotta love white girls!
When I close my eyes I'm just thinking about you and all the freaky things that we do. ;)
It's amazing when strangers become the best of friends, but it's sad when the best of friends become strangers.
I got money in my bank. I'm a banker. You ain't got no money in your bank. You're a wanker.
If we only ever sing about our feelings for God, we'll tend to worship our worship and be passionate about our passion.
Wanna fill you up til yo river flows all ova me. Wanna feel yo precious treasure wrapped around me oh so tightly.
I found myself falling in love with you too fast, but every time I try slowing down, my heart seems to just ignore me and keep going.
Not hating one bit, but every time I see a woman display her azz in her avatar, my stomach feels queasy, and the respect needle points down.
Oh Ed, you horrible, Marxian, cultural fascist, you can't 'create' a society!
I'm ill and I look it. If I don't get a seat on the train on my way home, heads will roll. Yes, I'm lookin at you, you self-righteous housewives.
I hate people who constantly go on about their ex. Go and rant to your ex instead of to me!
What makes you come alive? Whatever it is, go out and do it.
Pops jus did too much. Nigga, if you want the grass cut, just say it and stop tryna send subliminal messages and shit.
Found my cat guarding the alcohol when I got in. Another pisshead to add to the family!
I wasn't sure that haters are cowards who can only speak bad behind someone else's back, but now I'm certain about this. Cowards!
Your hating won't stop someone else's success or improve your own situation. Instead you should use that energy to step your game up, not to criticize.
That douchenoodle has removed comments from his bullying story. He's a thug and a coward, all wrapped up in one sweet-seeming package.
Why do Bollywood stars insist on informing us about the sweaty minutiae of their workouts? What next? Reports on their bowel movements?
Eighth day at office. Workmates talking about how to chill their hot chili-burned balls by teabagging a bowl of cool yoghurt.
Self-love should be the beginning and end of any love. Love yourself whole heartedly. Who else can you rely on to love you that much? DIY!
We went over Anacostia River. My dad called it 'body river' because that's where all the dead bodies is at, and it did smell like dead bodies.
Do you read to escape or to engage?
Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me beautiful, what happened to you?
A true friend is someone who makes you laugh until you cry and who allows you to cry until you laugh.
I'm going to bed and having a foursome tonight, with my bed, pillow, comforter and myself. We're going to make mad, passionate, mind-blowing and earth-shattering sleep!
I think I stand best alone.
when he stutter he lying
Ladies, don't ever try to get a taken man to cheat, cause if he does cheat on her for you, he'll cheat on you for another girl too.
A guy in the park was telling another guy that he has to shag Holly, otherwise his mates will shave his eyebrows. I hope Holly is a girl and not a prickly plant!
If you're a scumbag and use the defense of being 'a Christian' as a crutch, go fuck yourself you piece of shit! Fuck religion!
God! I had seven vodkas! Last time I had seven vodkas I woke up on the wrong side of a threesome!
Game of fightyboobs tonight! w00t! Hoping for at least eight tits and one muff. And of course one horrid bell-end for the ladies!
When a child finds something they excel at, even if it's the smallest thing, help make them feel great about it.
I want the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of you that you are afraid to share with anyone else because I love you that much.
Petty people are a waste of space.
Google's already made knowing-it-all obsolete. If new cars take away parallel parking as a skill, I'm done for.
Too much female-bashing from men on my timeline. Why so sensitive? Is it because you men got played at your own game and women are evolving? lol
Is there a psychiatric sub-specialty in curing addiction to dong shot spamming?
The tragedy of complacency is the acceptance of things as they are and the rejection of things that could be.
There's a turd in Saturday.
Basing our happiness on our ability to control everything is futile.
Bitches be so quick to talk shit about their ex-boyfriend. You wasn't talkin shit when you had his dick in your mouth, so calm that shit down!
People say I'm cold hearted, but I am that way so I will never be broken hearted.
The hair on the top of my head is a lot longer than on the sides. Should I dye the sides differently to the top, like a hip skunk?
Relationships fail bcause people want in-house romance but still want to live a single life outside the house. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
When my wife went to Thailand last year everyone asked her to bring iPhones. No one did this year. They're all running Android and Opera Mini.
I don't think there's anything worse than being ordinary.
I think copy and paste is the greatest invention ever I think copy and paste is the greatest invention ever I think copy and ...
Some hoes are dogging me on facebook.
I know I'm an ugly, disgusting fuck. I know I don't act like other normal guys. I know I'm a fucking bastard. I know I'm hated.
Ewwwww! My cat is a minger!
My building was just evacuated because some plonker on level four burnt their toast.
And now, having ascended to the very pinnacle of pomposity, I subside like an unwanted erection to enjoy my day. G'day!