TIARAS, TEACUPS, AND TALL TALES
By
Patty Padgett
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Patty Padgett
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A book for all women who love a good laugh and/or a good man (or even a bad one). A compilation of short stories and poems for about women.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
STORIES
1. The Tissue Issue
2. Witty Aunt Kitty
3. New Year's Eve With Aunt Kitty
4. The Kallen Kids
5. Judy's Wedding
6. Bunnie
7. Love Come Hither
8. Friends Forever
9. Thanksgiving Circus
10. The Winner
11. The Mistress
12. Paper Heart
13. Small Town Justice
14. Two Old men
15. What Kind Of House??!!!!
16. The Christmas Memory
17. Danny's Day
POEMS
Tiaras and Tea Cups
Celebration of Women
Faith, Hope and Joy
Haversham Square
For Vivian
Cell Phones
Lady Godiva's Ride
Molly McFinn
Will You Dance
Who'll Take Out The Trash
Ageless
The Actress
No Rockin' Chair
When Pigs Fly
The Widow Walks
She Is Woman
The Ribbon
The Lord Of The Manor
Cheater's Lament
Story # One
THE TISSUE ISSUE
Just some musings on how men and women are more alike than we realize in their admiration of the opposite sex.
The Chug-A-Lug Tavern was a popular spot in town. Almost everyone who worked in the area went directly to that establishment upon finishing a day’s work. Happy Hour started at 4:00 and was in full swing by the time the nine-to-fivers arrived.
Angie, Grace and Liz were three of the regulars on any given Wednesday afternoon. There, over wine spritzers or margaritas, they discussed any and every thing that came up, taking on even the silliest subjects in a serious manner.
The three had met in the elevator of the building where they worked. A large corporation, the Milton Company manufactured office furnishings and supplies. Each of the trio was a secretary on a different floor. During the sharing of so many elevator rides on a daily basis, they got acquainted, realized they had much in common, and decided to meet for drinks one afternoon. That one time turned into two and eventually became a habit of two years to date.
Today, during their usual Wednesday ‘session’, as they referred to it, the topic of discussion was breast sizes. The topic was introduced when another regular customer entered the room.
“Look at her. I swear her boobs enter a room a full five minutes before the rest of her body.” Angie nodded her head in the direction of Sandy, a voluptuous brunette in a short tight skirt, stilettos, tight sweater and a wide belt pulled so tight it was hard to imagine how she could breathe.
“Yeah, look how all the guys drool. What is it about big boobs, anyway? Why do all the guys get so stupid when they get around a set of ta-tas?” This was Liz adding her two cents’ worth.
Grace had to turn around in her chair in order to fully observe the subject. She knew it was considered rude to be so obvious, but no one noticed and she surely wasn’t the only one doing it.
“Beats me. It’s just a big wad of fatty breast tissue. Nothing to get excited about. Besides, I have heard it said that anything over a champagne glassful is a waste.”
“Yeah,” interjected Liz, “I’ve heard that too. If I could find a guy who thought anything over a shot glassful was a waste, I’d be happy.”
“I heard it was anything over a teacupful is a waste.”
“Then, in that case, I need to find one who thinks anything over a demitasse cup is a waste.”
“Or a thimble.” laughed Angie, as she playfully punched the small breasted Liz.
“Well, you’re no Dolly Parton look-alike, yourself.”
The three of them laughed at that and went back to their drinks.
After a couple of minutes of silence, Liz turned to Grace. “You know what you said about it being only fatty tissue? Well, let me tell you, my brother-in-law is a pathologist’s assistant and he dissects breasts all day from mastectomy patients. He knows what they consist of but he is still just as nutty about a pair of big boobs as any other man.”
“I guess they look different with skin on them.”
“Oh well, that’s just one of life’s mysteries we’ll never understand, I guess. A man thing.”
They sat there awhile longer, discussing events of the day. They had just acknowledged that it was about time to leave when a good looking young man entered the room. Neither of the girls had ever seen him before. A good six feet plus, brown eyes, tight jeans, shirt open at the neck, light brown hair neatly combed but with one loose strand hanging over his forehead. And cowboy boots. All three girls admittedly were suckers for a guy in cowboy boots. They sat there staring, all but drooling. He walked up to the bar and stopped beside a girl who was obviously there waiting for him.
“Oh well, he’s taken,” said Grace, turning back to finish her drink.
“Yeah, but we can still look.” Angie gasped. “Good Lord, look at how he fills out those jeans.”
“Come on Angie, we have to go.” said Liz. “Put your eyes back in your head and grab your purse. I thought we decided to go to the movies.” She rose from her seat and put her purse strap over her shoulder. Angie didn’t move. She was mesmerized by this guy. Grace slowly got out of her chair and picked up her purse, while continuing to stare at the guy. “I see what you mean, Angie, he does have a cute butt.”
“I’m not talking about his butt, wait until he turns around. He sure fills out those jeans.” Almost on cue, as if he were modeling for them, he did indeed turn around.
“Good Lord,” gasped Grace as she obviously saw what Angie was referring to.
Liz couldn’t resist, she had to look too. “Holy moly.” Then, looking directly at Grace, she added, “Oh come on, it’s no big deal, it’s just penile tissue.”
Laughing, as they headed out of the tavern, Grace replied, “Touché.”
*******
Story # Two
WITTY AUNT KITTY
It was Wednesday afternoon and quitting time at the office. As was their custom, the girls boarded the elevator preparing to make their usual Wednesday afternoon trek to the Chug-A-Lug Lounge for Happy Hour. Angie, Grace, and Liz were looking forward to the mid-week outing. This is what makes the week bearable, Grace had commented many times. Little did they realize that this particular Wednesday afternoon was to be quite different from the norm. As soon as the elevator doors had closed, Liz spoke.
“Girls, I must warn you. My Aunt Kitty is in town and insists on joining us for drinks this afternoon.”
“Why the warning? What is she like?” Grace wanted to know.
"Like nobody you've ever met. She's quite a character. You'll see. That's all I'm going to say. The rest you'll have to see for yourself.”
"Oh Lord, you make her sound intriguing. This I'll have to see,” added Angie.
Liz refused to say anything further regarding Aunt Kitty. Words didn't do her justice. Aunt Kitty was an experience that was not easy to describe. Once they were settled at their usual table. Liz sat where she could watch the door while they anxiously awaited Kitty's arrival.
“Should we wait until she gets here to order drinks? What does she look like, what am I watching for?”
“ Believe me, Grace, you will know her. She will make a grand entrance and I can assure you, the entire place will be aware of her arrival.“
Almost as if on cue, the door swung open and there, adjusting her eyes to the dimness of the lounge, was the effervescent Aunt Kitty. It took her only a moment to spot Liz and the others.
“Yoo-hoo, ‘Lizbeth. Am I late?”
Liz hated it when she used her own short version of her full first name. Why does she have to announce herself like that? Of course, she's late. That's the way she always plans it. Oh well, that's just Aunt Kitty. Ya ' gotta' love her guts.
Every head in the lounge turned toward the door to see where the cheery voice was coming from. No eye could believe the spectacle in front of them. There stood Kitty in her tight leopard print leggings, low-cut top revealing an ample bosom, stilettos, dangling leopard print earrings and numerous gold chains adorning her neck. Her dyed red hair lay in curls around her face and much too long to be fashionable for a woman of her age, which was not a day short of seventy-five
"Lord, Liz, she looks sorta' like that character, Laverne, on the Sonny and Cher Show,” Angie blurted.
"You ain't seen nothing yet.”
"Yeah," laughed Grace, "All she needs is the bra strap hanging out of her sleeve."
Kitty sauntered over to the table, taking a moment to wave at
anyone looking her way. She draped her over-sized purse over the back of the high stool-type chair and took her seat, earrings swinging back and forth with every movement. She leaned over and kissed Liz on the cheek.
"How are you, Aunt Kitty?"
"Honey, if I was any better, I'd have to take something for it.”
Liz introduced her to the occupants of the table and a few nearby regulars within ear-shot who were still staring.
"Well, this is a lovely place. I'm glad you invited me to join you."
Then, looking around and saying to no one in particular, " I don't get to town much, but I wanted to spend some time with my ‘Lizbeth." She waved for the waitress. “’Lizbeth is my favorite, you know," she added.
Invited her to join us. That's not exactly how it happened. She more or less invited herself when I had a lapse in judgment and told her about our usual meeting on Wednesdays. I should have just told her I would meet her at the hotel later. Oh well, I'll make the best of it. I do love her and she can be fun.
After drinks and snacks were ordered, Aunt Kitty monopolized the conversation, asking each girl about the men in their lives among other personal questions. In between questions, she looked around the room. “There sure is a lotta' eye-candy in here. Have you girls gotten a good look at that fine specimen over there? He could put his shoes under my bed anytime.“
Yeah, he's cute alright ,” offered Angie.
“I bet he's good in the sack. I'd take him on in a heartbeat."
You just never knew what would come out of Kitty's mouth.
"Aunt Kitty, it may be the last heartbeat. Having sex with someone that young could cause sudden death."
"Well, I'd hate for the world to lose such a fine specimen, but if he dies, he dies." Even though it was said in a serious tone, the quick, dry wit Kitty was famous for, the girls and anyone close enough to hear, laughed uproariously. Aunt Kitty's eyes roamed the room, checking each and every patron. Her eyes finally landed on one man sitting alone.
"Look girls, that poor guy seems so down. Maybe one of you should go over and offer to cheer him up."
"Aunt Kitty, I'd feel awkward approaching someone uninvited."
"I can't understand you being so stand-offish. Look at him, he needs someone. He's so low he'd need a ladder to kiss a snake's behind." Before anymore could be said, Aunt Kitty descended from her chair and headed in the direction of the man. The next thing the girls knew, Kitty was herding him over to their table.
"Girls, let me introduce you to Tim. He's a little down because he's new in town and doesn't know anyone. "
"Hi Tim," they said in unison. He sat with them for about forty-five minutes, talking more to Grace than to anyone else. He had just been transferred to town, was single and was an up and coming architect. He had to leave to attend a dinner meeting with his new boss but not before he and Grace exchanged phone numbers. As he was leaving, Kitty turned to the girls.
"You see how easy that was? Now Grace has a prospective new suitor."
"Who may be Jack the Ripper, for all we know. Aunt Kitty, things are different these days. You can't apply the same rules as when you were out and about."
"Honey, I'm still out and about. I know the ropes. I'm a good judge of character. He's fine."
"Well, he was kind of cute, the way he laughs. Sounds a little like Woody Woodpecker."
They all sat there nursing their drinks, each girl hoping Aunt Kitty knew what she was talking about concerning Tim. It was obvious to everyone that Grace was smitten already. Aunt Kitty was the first to break the silence.
"Do any of these guys ever hit on y'all? Surely, you wouldn't turn down these fine things." Aunt Kitty was looking around the room like a hungry tiger sizing up her prey.
"Yes, Aunt Kitty, they do. Some of them are considered quite undesirable when you get to know 'em a little better. Looks can be deceiving, ya' know."
"Not only that," added Angie,“ but some of these fine specimens as you call them, are our competition. They are also looking for guys, if you get my drift."
"Hmm, that is a problem. You have to weed those out."
"Yeah, and when we weed them and the losers out, that doesn't leave many to choose from."
"Well, let me tell you how to handle the undesirables, the losers. Let me give you some replies to use when they feed you those old outdated lines."
"Like what?"
"Well, for instance, if they ask you out and you want to thwart their efforts, just tell them that you don't date guys whose IQ and neck size are the same."
"That seems rather harsh."
"Well, it works. And if they ask you if it hurt and you say, ‘did what hurt and they say ‘when you fell from Heaven.‘ You then reply ‘no, that pile of manure you're dishin' out broke my fall.’
"Another old worn out line is ‘do you come here often?’ to which you reply ‘not any more‘. And then there is ‘what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?’ and you say ‘slumming.’
"That sure seems harsh and rude, Aunt Kitty."
"But, it works. If you really want to get rid of them. Of course, sometimes it does make them that much more persistent." At that point, Aunt Kitty excused herself to go to the ladies' room. When she was out of hearing distance, Angie turned to Liz.
"Do you think she really says things like that to guys?"
"No, not Aunt Kitty. She's too busy schmoozing and buttering them up. She'd never say an unkind thing to anyone. She's all talk. I don't think she would put up with any crap but she has a way of handling them that doesn't call for rudeness."
At that point, they looked across the room and there was Aunt Kitty in the center of a group of guys, talking and laughing and having a big time. They all found her quite charming and amusing. As she slowly inched her way back to her table, the group followed her. The girls just stared in disbelief.
"God, she's like the Pied Piper."
Before the evening was over, the girls, with Aunt Kitty's help, learned the names of all the new guys and some of the girls, in the place and became better acquainted with the ones they already knew. It turned out to be quite a long evening with Aunt Kitty the star of the show. They all had a ball. Aunt Kitty had quite an effect on everyone there and added much to the entertainment. She was quick-witted and laughed a lot. Even if you didn't get her jokes, you had to laugh. Her own laughter was contagious. Before they left that evening, Tim had returned.
"I was hoping you would still be here," he said to Grace.
Liz had to admit that everything worked out for the best and Aunt Kitty provided them all with a fun evening. She felt a little guilty for originally thinking she shouldn't have told Kitty about the Chug-A-Lug. She also knew the patrons of the Chug-A-Lug had not seen the last of the flamboyant and witty Aunt Kitty.
*******
Story # Three
NEW YEAR’S EVE WITH AUNT KITTY
It was New Year’s Eve and the celebration was about to begin at the Chug-A-Lug Lounge. Angie, Grace and Liz, frequent Wednesday afternoon Happy Hour customers had reserved a table for the night’s festivities. They rarely came here on weekends, as it is located near their work and inconvenient to their homes. New Year’s Eve was a special occasion, however, so the trek into town didn’t seem a problem at all. This year, even though they were dating and/or engaged, the boyfriends, for one reason or another couldn’t make it to the party. A heck of a way to start the New Year. Such was the sentiment of all concerned.