1000 RULES FOR SUCCESSFUL LIVING
By Steve Brewer
Copyright 2012 by Steve Brewer
SMASHWORDS EDITION
When trouble occurs, don't be there.
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Don't fall on your mouth.
Neckties and paper shredders don't mix.
As tempting as that frosty flagpole may be, do not stick your tongue to it.
If you walk in circles long enough, you'll end up with a limp.
Don't spook the herd.
"Two steps forward, one step back" still gets you there. Eventually.
Before you jump in the haystack, check for pitchforks.
You don't need to outrun trouble, as long as you're spry enough to get out of the way.
Get a bigger hammer.
Don't pull your hamstring. Or anyone else's.
Do not use the defibrillator paddles for ping-pong. Clear?
It's important to use the right tool for the job, and that tool is rarely a butter knife.
Do undo others.
A lawyer is like a live grenade. Handle with care.
Do not engage in any activity that might result in the nickname "Stumpy."
Never argue with a man whose tattoos outnumber his teeth.
If that French fry burns your fingers, popping it in your mouth is not the answer.
Keep your nose to the grindstone all the time, and you end up with a flat nose.
If you emerge from the bathroom with something to tell us, it had better concern a magazine article you just read.
When nude, it's better to avoid revolving doors. And wringer washers.
When in the company of well-diggers, don't get them started on how cold it is.
"Close" may only count in horseshoes and hand grenades, but with hand grenades, it really, really counts.
There are better ways to find out if an electric fence is "hot."
Don't fall on your thumbs. You could put your eyes out.
The only reason to spit in public, ever, is if a bug has flown into your mouth.
Never wake a sleeping baby.
There really is no proper wine to serve with Pop-Tarts.
Always remember that half the people in the world are below average.
"Ass, gas or grass" is not a viable economic system.
It's better to be the person swinging the sledgehammer than the person holding the stake.
What goes up must come down. Down is usually faster.
Parents shouldn't let their slow children play in the street.
If you encounter a bear, you should "play dead." It might not save you, but it's a restful position and good practice for what's to come.
If all you have is a hammer, everything begins to look like a Whack-A-Mole.
A "G-spot" is not a one-thousand-dollar bill.
Friends come and go, but enemies are forever.
If you are color-blind, then time bomb disassembly is not for you.
If you're pulled over while driving drunk, quickly climb into the back seat and demand that the officer find your missing chauffeur.
If the poker stakes get so high that you go to your car to get the title out of the glove compartment, you should get behind the wheel and drive away.
Corporate decisions should not be made on the basis of "rock-paper-scissors."
If you can't be with the one you love, then you'll have to take matters into your own hands.
In all seasons, be patient. Snow eventually melts. Fallen leaves blow into the neighbor's yard.
Use your head for something besides a hat rack.
Mind your manners. Other people will.
Squeezing into a size smaller than you need is vanity. Two sizes smaller is insanity.
The squeaky wheel gets replaced.
It is wrong to judge others with artificial, subjective measures such as wealth or accomplishment. I judge a man strictly on the basis of his height.
Paper cuts and Tabasco sauce make for a bad mix.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a really good duck impersonator.
Every rose has its thorn, and every cactus has its flower.
Never turn your back on a drunk man or an hysterical woman.
If you always take the high road, you eventually get altitude sickness and nosebleeds.
Some people are like those Russian nesting dolls. You peel away layer after layer and, when you get to the core, you find a little baby.
There's a reason the people at the circus always refer to the lion tamer as "the new guy."
It's your soap and your water, and you can wash it as fast as you like.
Almost every situation can be improved by a soundtrack of jazz saxophone.
To err is human. To really mess up, you need power tools.
If you really worked in a salt mine, you'd enjoy your weekends more.
A stitch in time saves unnecessary blood loss.
You cannot push a mule. Or a rope.
Banging your head against a wall has its positive side. It feels so good when you stop.
In a time of loss, you must work through the Five Stages of Grief – denial, anger, grumpy, sleepy and sneezy.
A barrel full of monkeys isn't really all that much fun.
Pride goeth before the fall, and it doesn't cushion the landing at all.
Never argue with fanatics. They don't know when to stop.
Everything tastes better wrapped in bacon.
No matter how you do the math, two half-wits do not add up to one wit.
If you are egg-shaped and your last name is Dumpty, then wall-sitting is probably not for you.
If you feel the urge to accomplish some chore that requires a ladder, you should lie down until the feeling passes.
No matter how anxious you may be, you should stop chewing your fingernails when you hit knuckle.
Dumpster diving should never be done head-first.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's myopia.
At a funeral, it is considered bad form to peer into the casket and shout, "He moved! He moved!"
If it don't fit, don't force it.
Never take advice from a guy named Slappy.
If you spot a rear windshield full of Beanie Babies, give that motorist a wide berth.
If you can't say "cocktail" without giggling, then you don't need another drink.
The least macho thing you can do is complain that you mussed your hair pulling off your apron.
Despite what you might've heard about busy one-legged men, you almost never encounter an actual ass-kicking contest.
If your reach exceeds your grasp, you're almost certain to spill something.
Remember that maple syrup is essentially tree blood. To maple trees, humans are vampires. With pancakes.
Bragging is nature's way of singling out who needs a karmic slap.
Watch yourself around any guy who goes by the name Ray-Ray.
Spilled coffee increases in temperature as it travels from cup to lap.
Either avoid the gravel, or put on some shoes.
If you eat so much that you find it difficult to breathe, then you should probably save dessert for later.
Life is like a box of chocolates left on the dashboard in the summertime. Messy, disappointing and full of nuts.
Never try to use a monkey wrench on a live monkey.
Just because you lost your marbles doesn't mean we all must help you look for them.
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but you can't hammer your pens into plowshares.
Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug, but sometimes you're that squeaky wiper than drives everyone crazy.
Believe in yourself, and others will pretend to believe in you, too.
The louder the exhaust pipes, the smaller the "piston."
People who'd balk at sharing bathwater with twenty or thirty others will happily jump right into a public swimming pool.
Annoyance is cumulative.
Lift with your legs, but don't try to type with them.
If you find yourself on a dance floor, and you're the only one still wildly gyrating, it might be time for some fresh air.
You don't have to tell everything you know, and you certainly don't have to tell everything you don't know.
Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes the nut feels you.
If you are in a hurry, a little old lady in a Buick will pull out in front of you and drive slowly. It's her job.
A 3 a.m. phone call is almost never good news.
Having a "trick knee" does not make you a magician.
When drool is dripping out of both sides of the banjo player's mouth, the stage is level.
Don't prick your finger. And vice versa.
A lobster bib is appropriate for all occasions.
Having an opinion doesn't automatically make you right.
No matter how many buttons you push, that cordless phone is never going to change the TV channels.
Don't burn your britches behind you.
The cheaper the motel, the uglier the carpet.
Whenever possible, pause to admire the beauty of the ocean, and remember that beneath its churning surface lives a parallel universe of amazing creatures that want to eat you.
Standing on a chair does not help you hit the high notes.
Rubella, Malaria, Hernia and Diptheria may be melodic words, but they are not good names for children.
Some things can be done perfectly well in the dark. Shaving is not one of them.
Smacking yourself in the forehead does not help you do better next time.
Even blowhards have to inhale once in a while.
No matter how clever you are with your napkin, waitresses are rarely amused by hand puppets.
If you can keep your head while all those around you are losing theirs, then you get all the hats.
In a lifeboat situation, it's impolite to be the first to mention cannibalism.
A gun is never the answer, but it can make people stop asking questions.
"Calamari" is Italian for "rubber band."
Laundry never sleeps.
Modern medicine has found no cure for the rockin' pneumonia or the boogie-woogie flu.
If your fridge contains only leftover fast-food condiments and beer, it might be time to re-evaluate your lifestyle.
If you're willing to kiss a pig, you're clearly willing to overlook a little mud.
Whenever there's an awkward pause in conversation, fill it with the funniest word in the English language – "kumquat."
If you fall off there and kill yourself, don't come crying to me.
A man who wears skirts in public should be careful. He could get kilt.
If you can't be good in bed, try being funny.
Despite what you've seen in the movies, hysterical people don't appreciate being slapped.
A watched pot never boils, and a boiled watch isn't much good, either.
Avoid any endeavor that requires rubber boots.
When you talk on your cell phone in a public place, everyone can hear you. Whether they like it or not.
If you're a jumpy, flinchy person and you hate the sight of blood, then you probably shouldn't become a matador.
No firecrackers in the operating room.
"Foodie" sounds a lot better than "fatty."
A tackle box is no place to store your gummy worms. You could catch yourself making a mistake.
Just because you've never heard of something before doesn't necessarily mean that it's new.
Despite what you might've heard, it really difficult to slap someone silly. They usually get mad instead.
Beer is never really welcome in church.
"Go soak your head" is not a beauty tip.
Some people are so worthless that crucifying them would be a waste of good nails.
A pawnshop is no place to shop for dentures.
When it comes to parties, there's a big difference between BYOB and MYOB.
It's better to avoid meat that has been tenderized by spurs.
Even on the most triumphant of days, your boss really doesn't want to be soaked in icy Gatorade.
You never have to shovel sunshine.
Shitstorms are mostly wind.
Sideburns are for meek men who can't fully commit to a beard.
The bigger the cowboy hat, the shorter the lariat.
If a picket fence proves no barrier to your pumpkin consumption, it may be time to consult an orthodontist.
Learn to recognize Shinola, and you're halfway there.
In a just world, only gossips would get lockjaw.
Find a penny, pick it up, and all the day your vacuum cleaner will make a terrible noise.
If you insist on being a hamster, you could at least put some oil on that squeaky wheel.
It doesn't help to walk a mile in another man's shoes if you wear them on the wrong feet.
Beware the farmer who tries to fatten you up.
Don't invest all your money in crops, exotic pets, racehorses or anything else that can suddenly die.
Never cross a man called Tiny.
If someone invites you on a snipe hunt, don't be the one left holding the bag.
Whenever possible, sit in the shade.
The problem with homicide is that once you get started, it's hard to stop.
If at first you don't sauté, fry, fry again.
Butterflies are free, but moths are two for a quarter. Go figure.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man wears no pants.
If God really had a sense of humor, all the flowers would squirt you in the face.
Grown-ups don't do nearly enough skipping.
Eggs taste better if you don't think about where they come from.
You rarely see a pimp riding a bicycle.
You may be a terrific juggler, but that's no way to put away the silverware.
Any food or beverage guaranteed to "put hair on your chest" probably is not fit for human consumption.
Sweat is nature's way of telling you to go indoors.
Remember that the word "hardware" comes from the Latin root for "wrong part."
Pleasant conversation almost never results from the phrase, "What are you looking at?"
The problem with doing nothing is you can't tell when you've finished.
Some people need drama and conflict in order to feel alive. Avoid those people.
The fuller the bladder, the longer the line.
When the shit hits the fan, it's better to be standing off to one side.
When a conversation hits an awkward pause, you can start it up again by asking, "Do you play the trombone?"
No one else can hear the deadline clock ticking inside your head.
A hitch in your get-along can be extremely painful, but responds surprisingly well to acupuncture.
Tattoos do not prove you are tough. They prove that you have been drunk.
Of all the pet names couples call each other, the least popular remains "sugar booger."
Glaring at the object that tripped you will not erase the stumble.
Among common household objects, the most persuasive is the cast-iron skillet.
Arguments are almost never resolved by the words "bite me."
If I want some fresh ground pepper, I'll ask for it.
Never ask about another person's grandchildren. Life is too short.
Nothing lulls a teen-ager back to sleep like the sound of other people doing chores.
Sharp items are magnetically attracted to bare feet.
The sign may say "Giant Used Car Sale," but the cars are actually regular-sized.
If you listen to loud music over earphones while you're doing housework, you'll hardly notice the noise the vacuum cleaner makes as it runs over the cat.
Bakers have angel food cake at one ear and devil's food cake at the other.
The human body knew how to "reboot" long before computers came along. It's called a "nap."