The Getting of Wisdom
The Smart Midlife Woman’s Manual
By Zita Weber Ph.D.
Copyright 2011 Zita Weber
Smashwords Edition
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Contents
Chapter One – The Rise and Rise of the Smart Midlife Woman
Chapter Two – Magic in the Looking-glass
Chapter Four – The Art of Looking Younger
Chapter Five – Birthdays and Celebrations
Chapter Six – The Relationship Battleground
Chapter Seven – Suddenly Single
Chapter Eight – Coping with the Younger – and the Older Generation
Chapter Nine – Whose Empty Nest?
Chapter Ten – What Change? No Change!
Chapter Eleven – Challenges and Choices
Chapter Twelve – Life’s a Kaleidoscope
Chapter Thirteen – Staying Younger
Chapter Fourteen – Your Hold the Key
Chapter Fifteen – Facing the Future
For Iris
My sincere thanks go to all those women who shared their thoughts and feelings about their midlife experiences. The richness of their narratives is shared in this book. From their stories we can all learn a little and be that much more empowered about our own experiences.
A big thank you to John, who is more than generous in his continuing support and encouragement.
The smart woman knows that the midlife years are important ones offering new opportunities and challenges. Most of us seek landmarks to guide us on life’s journey. This is particularly important in our midlife years – because we want to be smart. Smart women know how to handle life. Smart women can deal with the changes that happen. Smart women are empowered enough to know that they are special – and that they know a thing or two.
In this book, you'll read the stories of other smart midlife women. Women like you, whose stories reveal possibilities you may never have considered. These stories offer new shades of experiences that can offer us consolation and hope. Recognizing the common themes in our stories heals and restores us. It helps us affirm ourselves.
One smart woman who felt affirmed and who offers a testimony to managing changes and transitions is Eva. Eva shares some good advice with us about the benefits of keeping a journal and recording your journey. Eva, a 43 year old working mother says:
'I remember going into the doldrums just before my 40th birthday. I wrote in my journal, `I'm closer to 40 than 39. I want time to stop. I have no practice at being 40'. But I turned 40 anyway and I was depressed for about six months, until I got a grip on things and realized it wasn't the end of my life as I know it. But I do think it's hard for women in this society. You know, 40 is such a big hurdle. I found writing out my fears and anxieties helped me understand and heal. I recommend it to every woman as a source of self-help and self-healing.'
The journal has a long and rich tradition amongst literary women. A journal allows you to release your thoughts and feelings in a constructive way. A journal provides you with a safe haven for your innermost emotions. A journal also helps you make the unconscious conscious - letting ideas and emotions lying under the surface become obvious - and thereby able to be dealt with. Essentially, a journal helps you gain insight into yourself. A journal will prove to be a worthwhile investment offering you the opportunity of reflecting on your entries and making sense of your life. Invest in a journal that will inspire you or maybe you’d like to make your own journal using beautiful note paper and designing a cover that is unique to you.
The smart woman that you are is going to gather up the loose threads of your experience and weave them into a meaningful tapestry. With patience and imagination, you can create a faith map for your pilgrimage – and offer others your smart ideas about the midlife years.
This book does not have all the answers. In fact, it doesn't have all the questions. It’s up to you as the smart woman to find your own answers – and questions.
While every woman is unique, smart women have a lot in common.
The smart midlife woman begins with the motto:
Cherish the past
Enjoy
the present
Welcome the future
THE RISE AND RISE OF THE SMART MIDLIFE WOMAN
Half
a century ago women were perceived as
'old' at the age of 30 or
35. The generation born
in the years after World War II are
redefining what
aging gracefully' means.
Dr. Stan Levy, Director of Medical Affairs at Almay
There is a new phenomenon at work. The message that there is a female shelf-life is no longer an acceptable message in the 21st century. A growing band of women are ignoring their 'use-by' date. Not only is the midlife woman redefining what 'aging gracefully' means, she is also redefining what it means to be sexy, vital and powerful. Compared to previous generations of women, today's midlife women have significant health, diet and skin-care advantages. They have more information. They have more control over their lives.
Women today have the opportunity to look and feel younger for longer. Our general health is better, our fitness levels higher and modern appliances have meant that housework does not need to take the toll it once did!
Consider this. Today, the average 40-year old woman can expect to live to be at least eighty-four years old. Redefinition by the smart woman is timely at midlife or 'half-time'. The new, smart midlife woman is reclaiming her life and tapping her personal power to move forward.
It's true that the midlife years bring changes, challenges and opportunities.
These years can also bring frustrations, obstacles and potential setbacks. It's up to you. To quote Marcus Aurelius: 'One's life is what one's thoughts make of it.'
The New, Smart Midlife Woman
Shifts in perception are occurring. Shifting images surround us. Diet consciousness, physical fitness and a 'looking great, feeling good' mentality are part of our everyday language. In fact, the average forty-year old woman today looks a lot better than a forty year-old twenty years ago. No longer is it necessary to 'act your age'. Whatever that used to mean. Perhaps it meant wearing longer skirts, looser trousers and sensible shoes.
Life has changed. Women are no longer 'past it' at 40, 50 or even 60. The boundaries have shifted – and the smart woman knows it. She knows that as she enters this new stage of her life, she has possibilities.
What is not possible is putting back the clock or having another crack at being 25. Probably just as well, you might think, given the mistakes you made in your twentysomething years!
The smart midlife woman needs to create a new image, which is not a faded version of the old, but one that corresponds in an attractive and lively way to the new stage in her life.
The smart woman needs to understand what is possible and what is not. What can you change? What can't you change? Does it matter? What are your alternatives?
The Smart Midlife Woman’s List of Ten Great Things
* Getting calmer
* Looking forward
* Refining values
* Eliminating trivia
* Enjoying freedom
* Knowing yourself better
* Willing to take risks
* Worldly wise
* No need to conform
* New skills, new experiences
Facing Your Fears
Important events in life are rarely free of fear. Part of learning how to deal with fear is facing the fear. Few things can seem scarier than entering a new decade of your life.
Remember how you survived the tortuous twenties? You managed to live through and thrive in your thirties. Facing the fears of being mature and aging gracefully can be done. And done with style.
Nancy, a 40-year old nurse was candid about her fear of facing forty. She says:
I used to think that forty was old. But now that I am forty, I'm beginning to think maybe I was wrong. But it's still scary - facing the big 4 - 0, as they say. I'm starting to re-evaluate everything - which is also scary. For example, I used to think my work was everything. I no longer think anything is everything.
Eva is a 43-year old mother of three, who runs a jewelry distribution business with her husband. She remembers her fear of facing forty vividly:
I remember going into the doldrums just before my 40th birthday. I wrote in my journal, 'I'm closer to 40 than 39. I want time to stop. I have no practice at being 40'. But I turned 40 anyway and I was depressed for about six months, until I got a grip on things and realized it wasn't the end of the world as I know it. But I do think it's hard for women in this society. You know, 40 is such a big hurdle.
Even the smart woman who is supremely positive about herself experiences moments of fear or apprehension. Looking young and sexy is still important and desirable in a society that lays such emphasis on youth and sex. Many women admit to feeling vulnerable physically and emotionally. Sexual insecurities might surface, anxieties about 'time running out' become more pressing and a dread of becoming 'invisible' takes hold.
Being a little frantic is natural when you live in a society that prizes youth. Becoming frantic about your looks and fearing invisibility is not uncommon. A fear of losing power in your relationship, in the workplace and in comparison to younger women makes some women frantic.
But the smart woman knows that youth is not the only currency.
Tessa, a 42-year old teacher and mother of two says:
I may not be as cute as I was 20 years ago, but I'm sure as hell a lot smarter. I've got a wealth of experience and I've acquired wisdom which gives me a better understanding of the ups and downs that are part of life. I can cope better in relationships. I find I'm more accepting and non-judgmental now - much more balanced.
Susanna, a 45-year old businesswoman, former model, mother of two and divorcee, confirmed this when she says:
I have to admit I flew into a real panic just before I turned 40. I'd always expected to turn heads and it wasn't happening as much anymore. I'd started to lose my collagen. My husband left me for a younger woman around that time and I went into a deep depression. It was hard to see it at the time, but that depression was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. It turned my life around. I had to look at myself closely and move on. I surprised myself by becoming a resourceful businesswoman. I developed new problem-solving skills. I now have a much deeper understanding of myself and others. Turning forty was a leveling out for me. I'm able to balance passion and reason. And most importantly, I can look outwards rather than focus in on myself.
The experiences of women like Tessa and Susanna demonstrate that the acquisition of wisdom that comes with age means a broadening of the understanding of life. Greater self-knowledge leads to the ability to relate better to others, to solve problems more easily and to respond intellectually and emotionally with more balance to life's twists and turns.
Life from the Female Perspective
Even smart women identify a number of concerns. These concerns might be minor for some, but they make others frantic. To be free of such concerns is the ultimate goal.
Some concerns:
* getting wrinkles
* physical deterioration
* losing looks
* losing confidence
* sexual anxieties
* children leaving home
* world moving too fast
* lack of energy
* overweight
* gray hairs
* having to work hard at fitness
* health of parents
* time running out
* less risk-taking
* have I done it all?
While there are some concerns about aging, women of the same age sometimes report completely opposite reactions.
What women say:
'It's a funny thing, but the older I get the less I worry about aging.'
Sharyn, 42
'I worry about aging a great deal. I obsess about it. I'd like to stay the same forever. I'm not looking forward to the grey hair and the wrinkles.'
Harriett, 49
'You know, I look at each wrinkle as a mark, a sign. I look at them with fondness. It's like I've come of age.'
Lisa, 45
'I'm more comfortable about my looks and body now than ever.'
Sandy, 47
'I worry about losing my looks and my figure. I hate the idea of losing my attractiveness.'
Janice, 45
There is no doubt that women's perspectives vary greatly. What messages they hear and take on board vary greatly too. Some women will filter out negative messages and maintain a positive, empowering attitude. Others will listen for and hear all the negative and stupid messages in our society.
We've all heard the negative messages. Those messages that program you to be fearful of losing everything from your memory to a firm bust-line.
Smart women challenge any stupid messages they hear. They use their sense of humor to confront the narrow stereotypes that stupid messages convey.
Ten Stupid Messages
* You can never be too thin or too rich
* It's all downhill from here
* Women age, men become more distinguished
* You have to keep your age a secret
* Everyone has a midlife crisis
* There's nothing much to aspire to
* Time's running out
* You'll lose your power
* You'll lose your confidence
* You'll become forgetful
One of the most common stupid messages is the one about 'everyone has a midlife crisis'. It's stupid to generalize.
Smart women know that not every woman will have a full-on crisis. She may become a little frantic, but she need not have a major crisis.
She may have a 'half-time' reckoning, a time for reflection and change, but she should not be panicked into believing she must have a midlife crisis.
Reinventing Yourself in a Reinvented World
The smart woman knows she must shape her own sense of identity. A woman is not merely a passive recipient of life's experiences. She is actively involved in life's challenges and opportunities. She must reinvent herself as vital, energized and forward-looking. She must be relevant in an ever-changing world.
At midlife, a woman may lose sight of this. The jigsaw puzzle of her life might seem too daunting and changes that could be seen as positive challenges may masquerade as obstacles and fears and corrode self-confidence. A feeling of being frantic might result in lessened self-esteem.
Reinventing yourself as a visible, powerful woman is central to your sense of self. Some women report feeling a little disappointed that they don’t turn as many heads as they once did. They might bemoan, ‘I’ve become invisible!’ Perhaps there’s a shift in the age group of the turned heads – and that’s what needs acceptance. You need to accept that as a midlife woman you will still turn heads but don’t expect them to be twentysomething ones. Rebecca, 49, speaks clearly about this:
I’m not invisible – I refuse to be. Besides, I know I’m not, judging by the number of men in my age group and older who find me attractive. It’s a little naïve to believe that as a mature woman you’ll be attractive to younger men. You have to leave your younger image behind where it belongs – and move forward.
Moving forward and becoming a smart mature woman of style and substance will ensure that you remain visible and attractive. Colleen, 47 states:
I don’t try to compete with younger women – that’s a silly practice. I know I am attractive but I’m no babe. I am an attractive, mature woman who values herself and that cones across to other people.
These messages tell us about changes in expectations and acceptance of these changes in yourself and from others. Forget about being ‘a babe’, as Colleen says, and take pride in your new identity. You can be visible and valued if you believe you.
You and Your Identity
Maintaining a balance between growth and stability in your life is not easy. However, it's essential when you are surrounded with changes and challenges. Try to not fall for every fad that comes along. Trust your instincts and appraise your situation. It's tempting to run from one supposed enlightenment 'fix' to another. Take time to examine what it is you want. Which challenges need to be met? What direction will they take you? Where do you want to go?
Our first identity crisis comes with adolescence. The teenage years are an angst-ridden passage. At half-time, similar definitions, or rather, re-definitions take place. Sometimes women are surprised by themselves wrestling with problems and queries that they imagined they had settled long ago. Once and for all. Remember how Lewis Carroll had Alice ponder the meaning of life. Alice posed the question: 'Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle?' and Shakespeare had King Lear exclaim: 'Ah who is it who can tell me who I am?'
Women who have previously got on more or less happily with the business of living find themselves asking questions like: 'Who am I and what am I doing that is of any value?' and 'Is this all there is to life?'
Just as teenagers need to find out who they are and where they are going, the smart woman needs to rediscover her identity and set herself new goals. After all, the aims and aspirations of your twenties and thirties are no longer appropriate to the forties and beyond.
The smart woman will look within herself. She may be surprised by what she sees. Making your own discoveries and deciding on new directions for your life can only come from within. This is your journey, your life.
Your sense of identity is important. With a strong sense of your identity you can take control of your life. With a strong sense of your identity you can even take on the world!
Your identity as a smart midlife woman has three dimensions:
* self-knowledge
* self-esteem
* self-acceptance
To have self-knowledge means to understand yourself fully. Self-knowledge is based on your awareness of yourself and your role and identity. Without this awareness there can be no change, no growth, no risk-taking.
Self-esteem is the feeling of worth you have about yourself, the value you place on you. 'Self-esteem isn't everything,' said Gloria Steinem, 'it's just that there's nothing without it.'
Developing high self-esteem means you believe you are valuable and worthy of the good things in life. If your self-esteem is good then you have a sense of self-acceptance. This self-acceptance reinforces your self-esteem.
Know Thyself
Some women arrive at midlife without thinking about their true identity at all. We all subconsciously add pieces to our own unique psychological jigsaw puzzle, but many of us choose not to study the expanding picture. Once we do, we can benefit tremendously. We can learn from it.
Don't sit and wait for someone else to define you - to tell you what your identity is - define your own identity.
Self-knowledge means self-help.
Smart midlife women commonly talk about how they had come to understand themselves much better. These women reveal how much more tuned in to what is going on inside them they had become. Most importantly, many say how much more comfortable they were to act out their true self instead of living behind a facade.
Moira is a 43 year old legal administrator who speaks glowingly about her new discoveries. She says:
You know, the older I get the more I'm getting to understand the different parts of my personality and how they all fit together. I'm getting to know myself better and being able to be myself more. It's very liberating. I was one of those women who dreaded the idea of the big 40, but it hasn't been as bad as I'd imagined. With me, it was psychological - like a barrier, but once I got over that - it's been a real learning curve. There are new challenges all right, but also this opportunity to understand myself better.
Carmen, a 44 year old lawyer agrees:
I'm interested in coming to terms with my spirituality. I'm getting much happier as I get older. As a younger woman, I was intense and unhappy. Things are becoming clearer for me all the time. Each day seems to bring a new discovery. Sometimes it's thrilling to discover things about yourself you didn't know existed. I'm becoming more of what I am.
Many women feel that one of the greatest strengths of midlife is that it is a time of self-discovery. Getting to know yourself better and being able to be yourself more are major achievements.
Exercise: Self-knowledge: Finding the way to yourself
Directions: Sit quietly with paper and pen and answer the following points:
1. Place of birth
2. Race
3. Religion
4. Marital status
5. Family background
6. Memories of early relationships
7. Memories of school experiences
8. Your experiences of mothering
9. Job history
10. Your material status
11. Where you live
12. The car you drive
13. Your age and appearance
14. The clothes you wear
15. Your image of yourself
When you've answered these points, look carefully at your responses.
What picture of you emerges?
Have you thought about yourself in all these ways consciously?
What do you see?
Do you have a sense of a strong identity?
Take advantage of your insights. Learn about yourself. Add another piece to that puzzle and realize that the power to define yourself is entirely in your hands.
By becoming aware of how you see yourself, you have empowered yourself.
Remember - don't panic! If you don't like your present identity, it is in your power to change it.
The smart woman knows she can choose to be the woman she wants to be.
Raising Your Self-esteem
Smart women know that self-esteem is crucial. As we saw earlier, there are stupid messages bombarding you and you have to be equipped to challenge them and reject them. Building self-esteem should be taken seriously.
Self-esteem has two facets - your self-image and your self-confidence.
Your self-image comprises your :
* physical self-image
* emotional self-image
* intellectual self-image
* social self-image
Take a Look at Your Self-images
* Your physical self-image
Most women can produce a list of physical drawbacks quite easily. One woman may think herself too tall or too short, too fat or too thin. Another may wish she had blue eyes instead of brown, bigger breasts and narrower hips.
If your physical self-image is affected by anything that can be changed, then it is worth considering taking some action. If not, then you have to learn to make the most of what you've got.
Sometimes others don't see our so-called defects. Or they find them endearing.
There is one fact that you have to understand. It's this: Your physical characteristics will only affect your self-image if you let them.
It's important to do what we can to improve on ourselves, but there's little point in obsessing. We have to decide to be happy with ourselves.
* Your emotional self-image
You know that if you're positive, happy, bright and enthusiastic you feel good about yourself. On the other hand, if you feel guilty, angry or worry a lot you probably feel bad about yourself.
Think yourself into positive emotions. As Shakespeare wrote: 'There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so.'
Which thoughts come into your head and which thoughts you hang onto will determine your emotional state. If you want to develop high self-esteem, you must choose thoughts that are positive and empowering.
* Your intellectual self-image
Your early socialization helped to form your intellectual self-image. If your teachers thought you were intelligent, they were encouraging. You probably went to college and studied hard for qualifications that helped maximize your job prospects and your earning power. On the other hand, if your teachers were not encouraging, then your formal education was probably curtailed.
Expectations of your parents were also important. If your parents believed in your abilities, you probably matched their expectations. If not, you probably met their expectations by failing!
Your belief about your intellectual ability can be traced back to childhood. The tragedy is that most people are brighter than they think they are. If you hold a limiting belief - challenge it. Don't limit yourself by not attempting something because you've convinced yourself you can't do it.
You must learn to rise above your own personal put-down. As John Donne, who was an English poet of the metaphysical school wrote:
'But I do nothing upon myself
and yet I am mine own executioner.'
* Your social self-image
Your social self-image is what you imagine other people think of you. Of course, it usually is not what they actually think of you.
You know yourself how you have suffered agonies thinking other people have a poor opinion of you. You know of other women, friends who have been convinced that others think poorly of them when the reverse is true.
In fact, you've probably found it amazing that others have held a high regard for you.
While it's nice to be well regarded by others, that's not really the issue. Most people are worrying equally about how others see them, to be too concerned about you.
Remember, there is no point in allowing yourself to be governed by what you imagine other people think. Queen Victoria has been quoted as having said:
'The important thing is not what they think of me; it is what I think of them.'
Adopt her view and stop agonizing about others' opinions. Do some self-talk when you hear that little voice in your head being critical of you. Ask yourself: ‘Am I just imagining what others think of me?’ Because if it doesn’t match what you really think of yourself, then delete the message immediately. It's your opinion of yourself that really counts.
Consider Your Self-confidence
Self-confidence is all-important in taking control of your life. The Roman poet, Virgil, of the 1st century AD wrote, 'They can do all because they think they can.'
Have you noticed that people tend to take you at your own valuation of yourself? If you feel secure in yourself, then others will treat you with respect. They will treat you according to your assessment of yourself. They will react to you as though you are the confident woman that you project. Their reaction to you, in turn, will make it easier for you to go on being positive and strong.
Baltasar Gracean, a Spanish writer of the 17th century instructed his readers: 'Respect yourself if you would others respect you.'
To build your self-confidence, you need to construct a self-image that consists of your strengths and positive qualities. All those things you are confident about.
Now you're ready to move forward and examine your self-image and self-confidence by completing the following exercises.
Remember:
a poor self-image reduces your confidence and power
vs.
a good self-image increases your confidence and power
Exercise: Your Confidence Inventory
Directions: Sit quietly with paper and pen and make a list of all the things about yourself that you know are strengths or positive qualities or that you are confident about. Don't be modest.
This is your private list, so list things which you do well, but take for granted, for example, running your house efficiently.
Make your list detailed. Don't just write 'good at my job'. Write the ways you are good at your job.
Remember, don't be too critical of yourself. You don't have to be exceptional at something before you include it in your list. What you're looking for are things you feel comfortable or secure about, as well as things you do really well.
To make a start, here are some convenient headings for considering your confidence:
* Achievements
* Personal qualities
* Independence
* Work
* Family
* Friends
* Home duties
* Relating to other people
* Physical/sporting activities
* Cultural/artistic activities
* Other skills and abilities
You owe it to yourself to do this inventory and learn from your responses.
You can make your own self-confidence tape by turning your list of strengths and positive qualities into a tape-recording and frequently playing it to yourself. In this way you can become more confident by re-programming yourself and wiping out from your brain any stupid, old messages.
The Power of Affirmations
Stupid old messages can be challenged by affirmations - by affirming to yourself positive messages. Affirm that you and your life are positive and full of potential. Affirmations help us achieve our goals.
An affirmation is a statement you believe - or one you strongly desire to be true. To affirm, you have to follow three steps:
(i) always use the present tense, for example, 'I am'
(ii) always phrase an affirmation in the first person, for example, 'I have', 'I am'
(iii) your affirmations should be expressed in the positive, for example, 'I am confident'
Strengthen your self-image now. Affirm to yourself:
'I think, talk and act with confidence at all times.'
'I am determined to have plenty of self-confidence.'
Try to recite your affirmations every day. They are most effective and powerful if you stand before a mirror and say them. Record these affirmations for yourself and play them often to yourself.
The smart midlife woman knows the power of affirmations.
*** Affirmations ***
I like myself
I love and approve of myself
MAGIC IN THE LOOKING-GLASS
I'll be your mirror, reflect what you are....
Velvet Underground
When I was a teenager, my grandmother had the sort of dressing-table that fascinated me. A plethora of perfume bottles and trinket boxes kept me busy smelling, looking and adorning myself. But the most fascinating was the three-part mirror. The outer folding mirrors moved inwards and I was reflected at different angles simultaneously.
This mirror was special. It held a certain magic for me. I concentrated on capturing myself as I thought I was. More importantly, I wanted to capture myself in the image I thought others saw.
I defined myself and my identity by the image which was reflected back at me. I defined my possibilities in relation to the face I saw in front of me.
But the mirror only reflects what you want to see. What you choose to see. There are flaws in the looking-glass.
Reflections in the Glass
Beauty, it is said, is in the eye of the beholder.
The midlife woman, beholding her own image in the mirror, may not much like what she sees. She can walk away quickly, or peer more closely at wrinkles and gray hairs, resolving to start a new beauty regime immediately.
Too often, a woman faces the mirror with a watchful eye, a critical eye - even an overly-critical eye. She may feel more confident in many ways, but just a little anxious about glancing into the mirror.
But the mirror does not tell the full story. The midlife years are years in which the woman can redefine her face and stop struggling to capture a particular style. She can relax in the knowledge that the person she is, is far more important than accidents of birth or artful make-up.
After forty, wrote the French existentialist writer, Albert Camus, we become responsible for our own faces. Our attitudes and beliefs, self-image and confidence are etched on the canvas of our face.
We all age at the same rate of one birthday per year. But aging is also social and psychological. It's as much a state of mind, as a state of matter.
For example, two forty-four year olds may differ dramatically in their image. Mary Alice is vivacious, healthy and content and often passes for thirty. Celia is frumpy, tired and reconciled to 'acting her age'. She is often mistaken for fifty-five.
Appearance is important, but it's not everything. Your state of mind and the self-image you project is just as important.
Some Mostly Good News
Research has found the following facts:
* Women do not become more critical of their physical appearance with age. In fact, when women in the 20's, 30's and 40's were asked how they felt about themselves, no significant differences were found. All age groups seemed equally critical of their physical appearance.
* Women become less self-conscious about their looks over time. Younger women tend to be more self-conscious about their appearance.