We Need
Each Other
Building Gift Community
Bill
Kauth
Copyright
2011 Bill Kauth
You never change something by
fighting the existing reality.
To change something, build a new
model that makes the existing model obsolete.
- Buckminster Fuller
Eighth
Draft Edition: March 2011
Note: This book is a work in progress,
not yet a completed project.
However, it is fully adequate to
share and begin putting value into the world.
The authors would
much appreciate any suggestions for additions or
corrections.
http://www.weneedeachother.net/
ISBN obtained from
Silver Light Publishing
1/18/10
ISBN # 978-0-9744890-9-4
Credits:
Cover
design by Zoe Alowan with Nik Colyer.
Photos: Zoe Alowan and Bill
Kauth
Chapter 4 artwork:
Appearance
of the Firebird by Zoe Alowan
Work in Progress – Evolving Process
This book is the result of the authors many attempts to build community over several decades. It exists in this form as our highest truth about what has worked and might work to build community at this time in the history of our world.
As our best practices network continues to evolve, this book will evolve. Please share your successes and failures as we learn and co-create together. You may contact us directly at this e-mail address: bkindman@mind.net
Dedication
This
book is dedicated to our parents and children:
Ardell & Rita.
Henry & Blanche
Joseph & Sarah, Asha & Ari
And to our many ManKind Project “brothers” for your devotion, passion, and work to bring healthy masculinity back into our world!
Acknowledgments
The people whom we bless as collaborators include Jeff Golden, Craig Comstock, Charles Eisenstein, Dianna Leafe Christian, Herb Rothschild, Margaret Shockley David Kaar, Alpha Lo, Wendy Fullerton, Jack Leishman, Nik & Barbara Colyer, Carol & Timothy Nobles, Tracy Sage, Steve Lawler and Chris Bullock.
For their influence on our understandings we are indebted to Jean Houston, David Korten, Richard Heinberg, Robert Augustus Masters, Richard Rohr, Neale Donald Walsh, David Gershon, Carolyn Schaffer, Robert Bly, Peter Block, Gordon Clay, Peter Senge, Marshall Rosenberg, Carolyn Myss, Carolyn Baker, John Michael Greer, Cecile Andrews, Robert Moore, Ken Wilber, Michael Dowd, Norma Burton and Kate & Rusty Lutz.
Chapter 1 - Proposal And Premises
Chapter 2 - Reclaiming Each Other
Chapter 4 - The Feminine Voice: Our History
Chapter 5 - Bonding Vs. Bridging: An Important Distinction
Chapter 7 - Dark Times: A Little Faster Now
Chapter 8 - New Story: We Need Each Other
Chapter 9 - What Is Community? A Definition
Chapter 10 - Types Of Community
Chapter 12 - A Safety Net For A New Generation
Part 3 - Who Are We And Are We Ready?
Chapter 15 - The “Gift Culture” Movement
Chapter 17 - Ways Of Being Together: A Four-Stage Map
Chapter 18 - Values And Principles
Chapter 19 - Men And Women Together
Chapter 20 - Loving Each Other
Chapter 21 - Needing Each Other
Chapter 22 - Protecting Each Other
Part 4 - Our Story Of Lost Community
Chapter 23 - Stranded Among Strangers
Chapter 24 - Money: “Alone In A Crowd”
Chapter 25 - Food: Needing Connection
Chapter 26 - Beyond Addiction: Face In The Gutter
Chapter 27 - Beyond Cynicism: Do What We Can Do
Chapter 29 - Champions With Vision
Chapter 31 - Core Community Values
Chapter 32 - Structure Of Community
Chapter 34 - Commitment To Each Other
Chapter 35 - Commitment To Place
Chapter 36 - Commitment To Time Together
Chapter 37 - Gender Safety: Community rooted in Trust and Transparency
Chapter 38 - Commitment To A Small Group
Chapter 39 - Resolving Conflict
Chapter 41 - Do I Have The Right To Choose?
Chapter 42 - Selecting Members
Chapter 43 - Preparing Ourselves to Invite
Chapter 44 - Inviting & Sponsoring
Chapter 45 - Greatest Caution: Vampires
Chapter 47 - Basic Information And Application Form
Chapter 48 - Initiation In Integrity
Chapter 49 - Optimal Community Size
Chapter 50 - Leisure Together: Playing & Praying
Chapter 51 - A Personal Context & Mkp History
Chapter 52 - Gratitude: Living Into Our Gifts
It's a tool, friends, so write
in it,
sharpen your interest, your passion calls you.
Take out
your fishing line and cast into the River Gift.
It's a guidebook, friends, to
follow the ins and outs
that inspire you to co-create community of
heart;
to weave the nets and gather the sparks.
It's a movement, friends, that
leads you to wonder
How is this lifeboat built?
What would be
strong enough to hold the hearts
of Wildman and Wildwoman crewing
together,
sailing the big waters, living the gift?
- Zoe Alowan
Never doubt that a thoughtful
group of committed
citizens can change the world.
Indeed, it is
the only thing that ever has.
- Margaret Mead
This book is designed to build trusting, long-term, face-to-face communities as safe social orders, which in turn generate the energy needed to build our new social systems. Though it sounds simple, it is complex and challenging. We have been working on the process of community building for decades, each in our own way and writing this book for years. Zoe graciously offers the feminine voice to balance the years of Bill’s doing men’s work. Her cover, art, chapters as well as editing are much in the flow of this book.
Note on “I & we”: We use these interchangeably: working together we’ve become the “we” co-creating this body of work.
Note on writing style around gender: We will use her and his – he and she interchangeably. We honor the women’s movement for bringing this profound awareness forward, only short decades ago.
We Need Each Other for Love and Support.
Love: We recognize that we have been so alienated from each other that our hearts are longing and calling out for connection. Here we find the intimacy, family, friends, and community we long for. Here lives the love!
Support: The disintegration of our social, economic, and environmental systems will require us to co-operate with each other in ways we can barely imagine. We will need each other more and more. In our core community, we know who we can really count on and who can really count on us. Here lives the support!
Book
at a Glance
SECTION ONE: Overview and
Context
OUR VISION: This book opens with a new model of “Core Gift Community” designed to be world changing. We meet the authors; Bill, his worldview, background, where is he coming from, and Zoe, who brings a feminine voice to this discussion.
WHAT IS COMMUNITY: We explore what community is in many forms and what’s possible. The exploration then is placed in the context of the times we live in, the urgency of the task, and its transformational possibilities.
WHO ARE WE: This vision of community is being grounded by the people who are ready to live a “Gift” community. Just who are these people and what are their values, psychosocial and spiritual qualities? Here we find an invitation to step into the challenge of our times by creating something which reflects an increasingly visible new worldview. We consider what values might be shared and how we might love, protect and indeed need each other.
OUR STORY OF LOST COMMUNITY: We take a fierce look at reasons why community seems to have vanished and why people are so rarely living their gifts We explore the economic, psychological and political forces in our culture that actually sabotage community.
SECTION TWO: How to
Build Your Community
WHO VISIONS: We explore the actual process, which starts with a champion who holds the vision, sets the values, and offers the basic structure.
COMMITMENTS: We advocate a bonded type of community that has in-depth commitments to each other, place, time, gender safety, and shared core values.
MEMBERSHIP: We work through the complexities of membership, such as finding, welcoming, evaluating readiness, selecting, and establishing the “gates” on their path to initiation.
Charles leads us to a grand vision of Gift Culture
Chapter
1 - Proposal and Premises
In a shift similar to that
which nature makes–
humanity is being challenged to make a
jump
to a new level of community.
- Duane Elgin
Proposal
Establish “core communities” designed to co-create “gift culture.”
The “core” is the special group of people chosen as family to be with, share with, laugh and cry with. The “gift” is the focus on “what can I give.” The word “community” comes from the Latin word cum-munere—munere meaning “to give” and cum meaning “among each other.” So, “to give among each other” is a useful way to think about community.
Vision of Our Core Gift Community: We’re a local, non-residential, committed, intimate, bonded, tribe of men and women supporting each other as we build the new gift culture.
Defining components of the vision
Gift Culture: This appears to be the emerging worldview as humanity matures. We can see the transition of values moving from transaction to trust, from consumption to contribution, from scarcity to abundance and most relevant to this book - from isolation to community.
Gift community: Rooted in the values of the Gift Culture, it both recognizes that we need each other and honors our need for autonomy. It’s a “fictive kinship” in which people choose each other in a kind of tribal family. We support each giving their gift, especially new social inventions.
Core Community: Describes the tribe of choice with whom we spend our time and invest our hearts.
Local: Connected and committed to staying in one place. We live within a few square miles (roughly bicycling distance) of each other.
Non-residential: We mostly do not live on the same property, but can visit each other easily and often.
Committed: We choose each other and make clear agreements to stay together for a “long time”—ideally a lifetime
Intimate: We feel safe, and love and trust each other as in a healthy marriage. Our authenticity and integrity shine.
Bonded: Our basic focus, after family, is with each other. We consider the well-being of our tribe/core first.
Tribe/core: Between 30-150 people, we hold each other as family, yet we’re bigger than family, bonded in an archetypal, visceral level beyond words.
Men and women: The time has come for both genders to feel safe and respected with each other, like close sisters and brothers.
Action in the world: We support each other as conscious, creative people actively building a new gift culture based on these new values.
Premises
Our current culture and its systems are rooted in premises (beliefs or memes) that no longer serve us. We believe that the following premises to be necessary in establishing stable community:
Humans most want love, family, friends and community.
We come to love and trust those with whom we are most transparent and spend the most time.
Commitments help build enduring relationships and community.
Staying in place is essential to the possibility of authentic community.
We can effectively choose the tribe we feel best with.
A relationship with energies of the Great Mystery informs our work.
It is now possible for women and men to be safe with each other, practicing transparency and observing clear boundaries.
We prefer fewer deep, close friends rather to many casual acquaintances.
Knowing and bonding with each other in part depends on the amount of quality time spent together.
Current social and economic uncertainty suggests we will be well served by forming mutual safety nets.
Once authentically happy, each of us will move towards creating the new world.
We see the need, and feel called to serve, in the co-creation of a new culture that honors all life.
We are aware that our proposed “Core-Gift Community” model is different from anything that has been popular in the last few decades. Because it is highly intentional and includes structure, commitment, and membership, it may make some people bristle with anxiety or perhaps feel some fear of being overpowered or betrayed. Others may object on principle to anything that is not completely inclusive.
We invite you to hold the tension of opposites and stay open to a new possibility.
We use some of the best learning from years of co-housing and eco-villages adapted to non-residential situations. On the shoulders of those pioneers we co-create our future. We trust that within the safety of our core community the needed social, economic, environmental and other “safety-net” inventions will become practical and support the balance of all life.
Chapter 2 - Reclaiming Each Other
“The creation of a core
community is a powerful answer
to our collective crisis of
isolation and alienation.
Because we live in the belly
of a soul-eating culture,
we face enormous pressures every day to
adjust,
accommodate and abandon our essential self.
Coming into the shelter of our
own village
or core community is one way
to protect our
intrinsic value
and restore our indigenous soul.”
- Francis Weller
If you can feel the deep truth of the above quote, I invite you to consider living into the possibility of a core gift community.
Most research indicates that, when we ask people what they really want, they always say love, family and a community of friends. It’s what we all want. Given this deep hunger for community, why is it NOT available and how might we open ourselves to the community we have been longing for?
Why is it so hard? The answer is that our current culture conveys the message that WE DO NOT NEED EACH OTHER. The truth is that WE DO NEED EACH OTHER, now more than in over a century. Subsequent chapters in Section One, especially Part 4 explores how our consumer culture has hijacked our ability to bond with each other and how, as we learn to live more fully in community, we might come to know that we do indeed need each other.
Social, psychological, political, and economic design factors are all in play here. As I speak with fellow elders, we recall a once vital sense of community that has been lost. And it is lost forever. We can’t simply go back to what we remember. Our circumstances have evolved well beyond that. We must create something as yet unknown. Some of us see the current dramatic world changes as offering possibilities for utterly new and more mature kinds of community. We have dared to hope for the designs that are just now beginning to evolve.
The times in which we live feel so scary, yet they are so ripe, so ready to birth deep community as never seen before. Just as data technology has advanced over fifty years from a room-sized card calculator to a hand-held chip computer a thousand times more powerful, so have human relationship skills evolved dramatically.
Given the world situation, we must take seriously the challenge of using our refined relationship skills to build long-term, loving community! We do this so that we can feel safer, experience more joy, build a future, build a new culture.
But something is in the way. Why does it seem as if we do not need each other? What are our inner blocks to authentic community? Are we far more entranced by the current system than we realize? Can we imagine a possibility that does not yet exist? If we dare to see a new vision, we can move toward what we truly want.
As we discover our own courage to need each other, really need each other, and the awesome power to truly be with each other, men and women face to face, then we will discover how we can give our gifts and meet each others’ needs. So many of our unmet needs for beauty, intimacy, love, support, safety, and play are waiting to be fulfilled.
As we accept this challenge, we might just change the world. Most people are willing to unplug from the system only when they see repeated examples of a better way to live. They need to see a workable alternative and feel invited to walk towards something better, not away from something bad. Those of us who are already, as Gandhi said, “becoming the change we want to see,” might just be the inspiration for those who follow.
From the Tamera community in Portugal:
Functioning community is the foundation of every humane transformation: human community and the community amongst humans and their fellow creatures. A universal way of being, which re-connects us with the sources of creation, can only be sustainably developed upon the foundations of an existence that is principally communitarian, not private. The paradigm shift, which is necessary for this is thus one of our core tasks.
At this time of supreme testing, we are being challenged to give nothing less that our highest and best gifts to the world.
- Duane Elgin
When I read a book I always want to know, “Who is this author, what is her background, where did she get their ideas and who are her friends?” Having that context allows me to sort out the relative level of truth or wisdom I can expect. In that spirit I want to offer some sense of who I am in the world and in my heart. And because I’m making assertions and “professing” ideas that I believe are true, I want you to know how I’ve come to be influenced in finding my own truth. This will help you know who this book was designed for.
“Friends, community, and personal growth all sound wonderful, but is it going to change the world?’ you ask. Some medical people have been saying that there are people in our society who are literally dying of loneliness. And why not—what is there to live for if not for other people and love? TV? A new car? Am I saying, change or die"? Well, in a way, yes I am. People living in an alienated world without connection to other people tend to act in ways destructive to themselves and our planet. In their desperation to feel OK, too often they will abuse themselves or others. Scared people caught up in the shame could kill us all. Those who continue to build nuclear bombs, cut down rain forests and dump toxic wastes are examples. Those of us who stay ignorant or do nothing are passively supporting the way it is. Perhaps we humans do need to change to continue to live on our planet.”
The quote above is from A Circle of Men, a book I published with St. Martins Press in 1992, nearly twenty years ago. Rereading it in 2010, especially the last sentence touched me to tears. We have not yet changed enough to protect our life-supporting planet. So what can we do?
I know the answer only for me. Building personal community, writing this book, now, at this time in my life is my calling. Given who I am, the very best use of my life energy is this book. It is the best gift I have to give. Indeed for me, it is the most important work in the world, right now.
Allow me to share a brief history. For thirty years I’ve been a social pioneer hacking through the underbrush of human bonding, arriving at amazing successes as well as many disappointing dead ends. This accumulation of lived experiences has informed me about what does and what does not work.
In the mid 1970s, as part of a men’s support group I found a kind of safe closeness with men I had not known before. I was also a feminist therapist, which meant relating through authentic relationship. And I was becoming alerted to the world political situation. These three experiences led, in spring of 1984, to a “call” to do something for men. I invited two friends with great hearts.
Ron Hering, Rich Tosi and I, fairly simple guys from the Midwest, yet each with our own genius, somehow allowed the New Warrior Training Adventure (NWTA) to flow through us into the world. Seeing the potency of the training, we realized that the men needed on-going support and bonding, so we developed the Integration Groups (I-groups). These weekly groups were designed for men to sustain their inner learning process, so they tended to stay together for years. Many have lasted ten to twenty years.
Very organically, training centers emerged, and by the early 1990s we had a coast-to-coast presence, just about the time Robert Bly’s book Iron John sold a million copies. Men were hungry for something, and the number of our centers tripled quickly. It was obvious that we offered something men really wanted. To feel their own deep sense of manhood, masculinity blessed by other men, is archetypically enlivening. Finding our hearts, trusting other men and feeling our life missions come alive also brought men to a new way of being.
By 2000 we had taken on the name ManKind Project (MKP) and were getting established around the world. As of 2010 we have served nearly 50,000 men via flourishing centers in eight countries. Our essence is service and integrity. Around the globe we have hundreds of splendidly trained leaders and an administrative system that works primarily by loving consensus. I feel very proud and hold these brothers as amazing. There is a more detailed history of MKP in Chapter 51.
For fifteen years I have served for MKP as Visionary-at-Large. In this role I studied intensely on a daily basis the “state of the world.” At every annual meeting I report to my brothers what I have observed. As I dug deeper down the rabbit hole, each year I would return saying, “Brothers, remember how bad I said it was back last year, well it’s worse.” I could see economic, energy, and environmental collapses as inevitable and wanted to alert my brothers. In 2005 I visited 25 cities, meeting in groups of 15 to 50 men and women. Everywhere I could feel both the general fear and the anxious longing for community.
Between wanting to serve my brothers with my best gifts, feeling a bit too much like Chicken Little, and having some powerful experiences of intimate community, I felt called to bring forward communities of men and women. I yearned in particular for a deeper local community of close long-term friends, and I knew from many conversations the same yearning in so many others.
With MKP we already have an established brotherhood of tens of thousands of conscious men. Many are bonded in their I-groups, but I wondered, might it be possible for both men and women to bond? The wondering turned to action. Lots of research yielded the daunting discovery that there is not much out there and “if it is gonna get done, I’ll have to do it.” You too may have known this feeling.
Just build community! How hard can that be? Well, the list of failed attempts lengthy. But each noble experiment bettered our understanding of what might work next time. This book is full of much of this hard-earned wisdom.
JUST ANOTHER DAY IN PARADOX
I hold both an awareness of the fragility of our world for ourselves, our children, and grandchildren, and of its divine possibility beyond my capacity to comprehend. I know I share this paradox with billions of others as the immune system of Gaia leaps into action. Gift communities are one potent manifestation of the essential goodness of humankind to protect and care for others. I believe we are highly empathetic beings looking for the ways and structures through which we can use our extraordinary hearts and skills.
Most of the writers and theoreticians whom I respect say some variation of, “if we make it . . . ” They have found the courage to recognize the environmental, energy, and economic dangers facing us and future generations. The outlook is stark and hard to swallow. Yet, because of the internet, many millions of us do know the painful facts. And there are tens of thousands of suggestions about what to do, ranging from business as usual to finding another planet. Eventually though, the challenge gets personal.
What will I do? Somewhere among all the desperate, brilliant, silly, and simple down-home proposals I sit with my own answer. It goes something like this:
Community as tribal kinship is the best way I can imagine to accelerate the rate of reconnection and the consequent changes needed to protect the planet and our grandchildren. I believe that via deliberate community we can reconnect and support each other in giving our gifts to make a sufficiently big difference.
And the really good news is that we are hard wired to do this. The answer to the hunger so many of us feel is in our genes. We cannot delude ourselves any more that we can go it alone. We know we must build the new society, and doing so starts with community. And community means tribe. The family is actually not the fundamental unit of society. It is the tribe. Tribe is who we are. We must recreate it. This is our time and this time is calling us.
My reality. Finally, to know me, you should know how I know what is real. We each have our own way of choosing what we believe is real, so I want to share the glasses through which I see life. As I tell you my basic philosophy of life, my metaphysical take on our world, you can know how I find my truth. Because I’m professing a view of reality and suggesting certain behaviors, you should know the source.
Over the years I’ve learned to observe the “sea of memes” in which our collective reality rests. We can call these worldviews or the larger beliefs with which we make sense of our decisions. I’ve come to trust both my intuition and my rational cognitive process to work together.
When new ideas show up, I want to know both rationally and intuitively just who is this person professing this belief, this idea? The internet allows me to Google and get information. Often if the book or new idea feels important enough I reach out and make personal contact with the author. Most of the books and websites in the lists of recommendations (see AFTERWORD) are the work of people with whom I’ve spent enough time to have touched-hearts in a way sufficient for me to trust them.
For example, I had come to know Richard Heinberg both personally and from many years of reading his monthly Museletter. So when his research uncovered “Peak Oil” and he took his learning public I trusted both his heart and his academic rigor. Having this insight about him opened doors to other authors whom he knows and trusts with a similar message and the courage to put it out publically.
On the cognitive level I have studied certain social, political areas with the many hundreds of hours needed to make a discriminating decision as to what feels deeply 99% true. From that vantage point I can view other authors or researchers as to their depth of insight or gaps in their knowledge base. This allows me some reasonable judgment as to how much to trust what they profess.
In all of my “truth” I also hold the possibility that I am wrong. I hold everything as my highest truth as of today. If someone shows me an idea or reality that is simply superior to the one I’ve been holding, I adopt it. And I believe we should test ourselves. If we stay too insular, we may not trust our truth. Over the last two years I had a rare opportunity to be in a very safe group with a brilliant man who holds Ayn Rand as his highest ideal. Because I hold her philosophy as the epitome of the obsolete story that has brought us to the edge of destruction it was with trepidation that I entered into hours of intense discussion. That interaction was so very useful for me, because I discovered that even under extreme challenge, my truth held strong. And, I suspect, so did his for him. It was not about win/lose, but rather about affirming the best truth each of us could know.
In your experience of this book I ask you to hold me to these same standards. Relationship is what it’s all about. Do you know me, can you feel my heart? Do you know and trust the people I know and trust? Does what I hold as true resonate with some essential “truths” that you hold? Are you willing to stretch into a new possibility? Can you feel your fears and doubts and still hold a vision? In your heart you’ll know if we can play together. If you do, read on and enjoy!
With all that said, I want to end this section with my basic beliefs summed up in one paragraph.
I believe that we humans are good, kind, compassionate, and empathetic beings. Our essential human nature has been disconnected from Earth. The resulting separate identity has led to both self-centered abuse and self-transcendent individuation. The abuse has now brought the planet of sentient beings into mortal danger, and at the same time given humankind an opportunity to take a leap of maturity into consciously serving all life.
Chapter 4 - Zoe - The Feminine Voice: Our History
"Let your river run sister. It is not what you think. There is still life waiting for the miracle of grace and the touch of springtime long buried but never vanquished."
- Alisa Starkweather
Reading an early version of Bill’s manuscript for We Need Each Other, I stopped to gaze into the evening fire and it occurred to me that a woman’s voice, my voice, was called for in this book about circles of men and women together. How obvious, you might say. Yes, obvious, but not easy, as I felt the need to speak to some of the difficulties of being immersed in the work of drawing people together. Our life revolves around this work and Bill’s unrelenting focus on it as a vitally important social invention. Being a serious artist while in the midst of “Gift Community Central” is challenging and I struggle to claim time for teaching and painting. Also, as a menopausal woman who has spent her life giving and caring for others I can’t ignore the voice that says “No. I do not want to see anybody right now. I need to be alone with the earth, quiet, singing or painting, but not with people, not today.” This need for inner voice listening accompanies my enthusiasm and dedication for building gift community. I actively support women and men to stretch into the demands that community brings and to also know their limits and ask for what they need. This way there is actually room for building a sane and respectful community that balances the riches of collective group engagement with the riches that come from individual autonomy, self-knowing and deepening.
Her Story: A new community journey begins: Stepping into a weeklong experience of men and women together called Clearing the Air, I was filled with trepidation. The prerequisite trainings of both Healing the Father Wound and Healing the Mother Wound had been with other women. Sweet open-hearted connection had developed as we recognized our shared patterns of limitation and supported each other releasing old stories and hurts. But, was it possible to open up in the presence of men? During an early break, one of the women spoke saying, “We are so lucky. Most of the men are Warrior Brothers!” This meant nothing to me at the time. But over the course of the week I experienced how much more emotionally available and capable of transparency these Warrior Brothers of MKP were compared to those who hadn’t had that experience with its skill sets.
Clearing the Air, focused on clearing up the swampland of misunderstanding and hurt between men and women. Before the beginning of the training, the signing of an agreement was required. Each of the sixteen people agreed to never be sexual with anyone in their group. This challenging agreement sparked a tremendous amount of discussion. Especially potent, the word “never” brought up: “Nobody is going to tell me what I can or cannot do, forever. What if I meet my life partner there? How do you define ‘never’? Does that mean three months, six months, one year? What happens if I can’t resist the attraction? Does that mean I will need to become secretive, banished from the group? Or move into even greater transparency somehow?”
It was a curious thing, but with that shared agreement, a remarkable opportunity for safety was established. Because much of our sexual posturing and courting behavior was locked into place as teenagers, this shared agreement offered a rare zone of opportunity. Fairly quickly, our old sexual strategy patterns dropped away sufficiently so that we could begin to be genuinely open, angry, fiercely truth telling, inquisitive, empathetic and self-owning. The safety of the space held and honed over the years by founder Gordon Clay and Shauna Wilson combined with the breadth of the inner work we did as a group showed me the possibility that men and women can reconnect with each other as truthful and courageous, honoring of our gender differences, yet available and intimate FRIENDS. My capacity to trust men, women and myself has only grown since this time.
For thousands of years what a terrible cycle has been playing out. It was only ninety years ago that women in America were imprisoned and tortured for declaring their right to vote. The patriarchy has and continues to encourage men to rape, scar and kill women as a form of power over in every war of land domination. This odd behavior, based perhaps on the twisted premise that men are superior to women, has also damaged the feminine spirit, the inner feminine aspect of men and the very body of the Mother Earth to horrific detriment. In turn, women have internalized this predation and have harbored a deep-seated anger and disdain for men. This turns all too often into manipulative emasculation by covert and overt shaming. In Clearing the Air, I was shocked to learn of rampant sexual abuse of boys by men and women. All this creates suffering, despair and further hatred. If we are to end war on this planet we must first heal the war that exists between the genders. In order to reclaim each other we need to honor and celebrate our differences. We need to take a stand to live beyond gender prejudice, self-owning the times when we do slip up. As we do this it is possible to reclaim each other and rebuild trust.
Notes on “trusting” from my dream journal: I am walking blindfolded, hand in hand in a procession of men and women. We are all blindfolded except for our guides, a man and a woman. I feel disoriented and clumsy as I attempt to find my gait. We begin to walk beside flowing water. I can hear it trilling and rippling at my side. Suddenly, I see all of us with eagle vision from above. We are a snaking chain of man, woman, man, woman, all who have released venomous anger and shameful secrets. We are open, loving and vulnerable. Suddenly, I am terrified. Without my sight, yet moving forward into the unknown, I am reminded of being led to the gas chambers. How can I trust when this terror is rising up. Horrible scenes of another time shake me to the core; a time when I stopped trusting anything... I let this feeling move in me while I hold more securely the hand of the man ahead of me. We arrive somewhere, a building perhaps. As we enter, still blindfolded, I step through wafts of sweet smelling sage. There is silence. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, whispering voices of men and women speak into my ear, "Welcome home. ...Welcome to your community.... We have been waiting for you." I burst into tears and wake up.
So Why Me, Why Now? Why am I so engaged in this core community building of men and women? In August 2005, friends gifted me with an experience of Burning Man. There you step into a world where everything but coffee and ice, and your own basic essentials of food and shelter is gifted-- art, showers, massages, teaching, performance, etc. It was there that I was introduced to this guy, Bill Kauth, and we spent a long night talking and preparing graham cracker, melted chocolate and marshmallow s’mores for hundreds of travelers on the dusty road past the camp. When he got up to leave I tenderly wiped melted marshmallow from his beard as though we had been married for twenty years.
Then, some three months later my dearest women friends gifted me with a trip to the ancient Goddess temples of Malta. In these six thousand year old circles of standing stones we joined twenty modern day priestesses in ritual around the divine feminine. On November first, after a breath-work session I experienced a deep inner cleansing and the words "You have work to do with Bill Kauth." I found this quite surprising. Upon returning to the states, I found his number and gave him a call, and indeed he had been holding me in his heart. After six months of extraordinary friendship we realized our work involved a deeply personal relationship. We declared this and celebrated with a group of friends.
Answering the Call: There is a Russian tale that storyteller, Michael Meade tells, called, "The Firebird", which begins with an ordinary fellow out on a ride with his extraordinary horse. They are on the path riding through the mountains when suddenly the man notices an unusual, eerie silence and sees before him, right in his way, the feather of a Firebird. This pulls them to a stop and he bends forward to look at it. His horse speaks saying, "I wouldn't pick up that feather if I were you, because if you do you will know pain and suffering." But what do you think? Does he pick it up? Of course he does. He is drawn to answer the opportunity, the call. Michael Mead often queries his audience, asking , “So, when did you pick up the feather? What feather was it? Drugs, meditation, a big project, bungee jumping? What was the cost?”
When I drove from California to Oregon to join Bill, I picked up the feather. On this memorable occasion the inspiring music of "Soul Fire" by New Zealand artist, Peru, was enveloping me. As my car rounded the bend, a stunning vision of Mt. Shasta, spectacular in early spring all capped with snow and set against a blue sky exploded into view. Simultaneously, a vision of a new society seemed suddenly quite possible. A culture rooted in gratitude and loving respect for each other, for the sacred earth where people lived beyond prejudice, in balanced harmony. With this vision I also glimpsed the role that I could play in making this a reality. It felt overwhelming, very challenging, but so beautiful that all thought of any suffering or pain that might accompany this mission melted away. Really, I think there should be a notice on this section of Interstate 5: ”Warning! Shockingly beautiful vista next bend! Prepare to take appropriate measures.”
But what appropriate measures can you really take? In the Firebird story, even as you weigh the costs of suffering with the chances of success there is this unreasonable knowing that it’s yours to do. The cautioning voice of the wise companion horse helps the hero champion part of us out, even when things become dire. It’s been my experience that the universe is quite alive and responsive to our deepest prayers and longings. It does, however, seem to require greater and greater levels of trust and letting go.
In that Mount Shasta moment I let go of my past and opened to something unknown. Perhaps it was the multiple impact of music, inspired lyrics, a vision of beauty and a heart filled with new love. I am sure people the world over have had similar moments, experienced similar visions of something so awe inspiring and sweepingly grandiose that one feels it should be kept to oneself. Who would believe you? Even as I muttered to myself, that this was too outlandish, I answered the call. I picked up the feather of building new community as I headed over the mountain into Ashland and a new life with Bill.
Our History
“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Champions Choosing Each Other
Diving into the Creative Pool: In the early days of our community building adventure, Bill and I were fortunate to join together with Norma Burton to develop a way of birthing this new vision. She brought tremendous courage, passion, devotion and vision to our team and a deeply grounded feminist perspective. We all had a great deal to learn from each other and our work was rich and full of promise. For over a year we met weekly; brainstorming, sharing, celebrating and diving into examining our shadows. Bill was plunged into an intense learning curve as he navigated the waters of collaborative partnership with two women. We attempted to impart to him the feminine perspective, elucidating how different it was from that of a patriarchal, privileged, white male. We formed a bonded collaborative friendship.
However, it can happen that champions who choose each other can proceed with the best of intentions yet actually want different things. Bill devoted himself to research and writing and was often frustrated that he couldn’t find an existing model or a tangible structure for the community template. He concluded that what was essential to build trust and safety in the communities that we were envisioning was the need for bonding in small, selective groups. After presenting several weekend seminars where we explored people’s longing for community, the idea of commitment to place and selectivity became even more significant. We built interest but the aspect of careful vetting began to trigger concern and misunderstanding between our core of three. Although we were in astonishing alignment in so many places, we were not in agreement around the issue of selectivity versus inclusivity. This was a very key element. Each approach has its virtues and pitfalls. Many important great works in the world can only thrive with the embracing arms of inclusivity, where all are welcome. Equally, tremendous brilliance that eventually comes to serve people throughout the world can often only begin its growth in conditions of contained safety and support.
After many efforts to reconcile the differences our little threesome disbanded. It is painful when champions discover that they want different things but through this time and process, the seeds of our community had been sown.
Community Building Symposium: In 2008, after the set back with our disbanded team, Bill and I went on to host a Community Building Symposium. Since we were questioning our own expertise, we called in a bona fide expert, Diana Leafe Christian. Wikipedia describes her as “an author, former editor of Communities magazine, and a national speaker and workshop presenter on starting new ecovillages and community and sustainability. She lives in an off-grid homestead at Earthhaven Ecovillage in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. We were joined in planning and facilitating this three-day residential experience by Carolyn Shaffer, author of Creating Community Anywhere, and MKP leader, David Kaar. Together with Diana, we opened up the whole question of building community in a very productive way.
Diana brought us face to face with two of the biggest challenges that face community building. The first is, “Shared Vision/Shared Outcome” and second, the need for “Potential Member Evaluation.” In regard to vision and outcome, she engaged the fifty people in some creative theater role-playing. One person was assigned the role of alternative energy fanatic, the second, a person focused on emotional processing, and the third, a person who was drawn to community for its spiritual connections. The outcome was quite humorous, but demonstrated how important it is to clearly determine if your shared outcomes are the same. Otherwise, sooner or later, the newly formed community goes nowhere due to the stress of really not wanting the same thing.
As to member evaluation, Diana presented disquieting information. She shared situation after situation where one person completely brought down an otherwise successful community. She emphasized the importance of background checks, contacting personal references and giving a time period for getting acquainted. This was quite challenging to many of the participants and she agreed that it is a hard thing for the generation of the sixties to be hard nosed and practical about qualifying people. She also advised that the ideal core group to begin with is between three to five people. Too many people feels like too many cooks spoiling the soup.
Diana’s substantial knowledge included a wide range of practical suggestions and expertise from choosing members to agreements around individual and group rights. We added exercises and processes about how community has touched each of our lives. We also considered such difficult subjects as “Who might the people be who you would feed and house for a month, three months, a year, etc.?” The symposium was quite dynamic and we were extremely grateful for the opportunity the Symposium offered.
We handled the money in a way that was new to me. Bill suggested collecting hard costs up front with the registration then advising people that at the end of the symposium we would distribute feedback forms and ask them to gift the facilitators based on their ability to pay and on the value that they felt they had received. This was a three-day event and all food was included. The chefs for the occasion consisted of two fine cooks: David Kaar’s partner Joanne, and myself. This cooking part was intended to provide for the varied diet restrictions of the attendees while offering them the healthiest and most delicious food at the lowest cost. We donated our time and cooked for two days. The food was wonderful. I wanted to create the ambiance of a family with everyone eating together. The lesson learned was also wonderful. I realized that my days of cooking for over fifty, organizing, facilitating, serving and cleaning up are over. It was ridiculously self sacrificing and unsustainable. The contributions that people made varied widely according to ability to pay, but it all evened out and we were able to pay our presenter well. Most people just filled our hearts to brimming with their comments and generosity. However, there were two whom I would not recommend for another such event. They were inappropriate, deceitful and energetically expensive. Because we had not been sufficiently selective we got to experience the sort of dysfunction Diana had warned us about.
Seeding the Gift Culture: Following the Symposium, Bill turned his attention to writing and researching on the Internet even more extensively. One day he made a louder than usual expression of delight from his computer cave. He had discovered the work of Charles Eisenstein and promptly ordered his book, "The Ascent of Humanity." Of course he liked it so much, that he contacted Charles, a young man in his early forties, and soon a case of Chuck's insightful books arrived at our door. There was something so profound about the way Charles talked about the Gift Culture that Bill invited him to fly from Pennsylvania to offer a workshop in Ashland on Gift Economy. Charles attracted young thinkers in their twenties as well as well as middle aged people and elders. It was very engaging to sit in circle with this diverse population and share common ground.
Charles’ workshop on Sacred Economics was so well received, that soon Bill engaged two other visionary brothers, Rod Newton and Will Wilkinson to join him in planning a five-day September retreat with Charles. They began to meet weekly and Bill worked on it every day. Informed by our learning experience with Diana at our Community Symposium, Bill undertook the task of carefully interviewing the registrants to be sure we were aligned in our interest. When what we called, Seeding the Gift Culture was ready to commence, we realized that we had exactly fifteen men and fifteen women. Buckhorn Springs, an old restored retreat center outside of town was the perfect place to host us. Seven of us were on staff. The three planners and their uniquely competent wives (Brooks, Tashina and myself) joined Charles in offering a rich, mind opening, heart expanding journey into a new way of holding the Earth, each other and our culture.
We turned a corner from focusing on collapsing environmental, economic and energy systems to stand in the abundance of our natural gifts and our ability to give back to each other and our Lover Earth. We danced, sang and released old stories of separation and greed as we listened to Charles point out a new paradigm shift into Gifting and accepting ourselves as The Gift. As we were learning from Charles, I watched how Charles was, in turn being mentored, especially by Bill and Rod. We all added to each other's deepening in such a beautiful way that by the end of our four days we accomplished a small miracle. Just before dawn we all ascended a steep mountain. (See photo-Section One page 1). We moved so slowly and collectively that everyone, even those with some physical restrictions and the elderly, were able to climb to the summit of the mountain to a flat meadow. There, Bill and Charles initiated us as seeders of the Gift Culture. It was gloriously beautiful from that majestic vantage point. Then we carefully descended, caring for the well being of the whole group each step of the way.
People are capable of so much depth. Humanity is an untapped resource just waiting for a mythic purpose and integrity to call them to their greatest joy. From this Seeding the Gift Culture retreat the most excellent creations are flowering. One man has started The Gifting Tree Wellness Center, a Gift Clinic. In Ashland we are holding monthly Gift Circles that are sparking all sorts of networking, camaraderie and change. Another man from the retreat, Alpha Lo, has composed a booklet on Gift Circles and has inspired circles at Yale University in New Haven, Connecticut and in Chicago, Illinois. Charles has lead three more Seeding the Gift Culture retreats and Bill and I have presented dozens of Gift Community seminars in England, France and throughout the US; from Portland to Raleigh, from Santa Barbara to Manhattan.
We are at an auspicious time in history. Structures are breaking down, disciplines long held are up for renewal and paradigms that have held for thousands of years are in the midst of profound change. We as humans feel all of this and a deep need for a place of belonging. We Need Each Other invites you on a journey to create your own community as we step into the emerging Gift Culture.
Chapter 5 - Bonding vs. Bridging: An important Distinction
Bonding catalyzes potency, which catalyzes bridging.
Understanding the difference between “bonding” and “bridging” social capital is important as we imagine building core community. Because this book is all about bonding communities, this distinction will allow us to focus attention on exactly what we want so we can clearly see our best possibilities.
As I was searching for a good working definition of community I found a powerful and useful distinction that allowed me to see a unique power in the MKP work over these last 25 years. In his wonderful book with the great title Community: The Structure of Belonging, Peter Block mentions Robert Putnam, the author of Bowling Alone, one of my all-time favorite classic books. Block points out how Putnam, in his new book Better Together, written with Lewis Feldstein, distinguishes between “bonding” and “bridging” social capital.
Putnam and Feldstein explain what social capital refers to as they lament the loss of social capital:
“social networks, norms of reciprocity, mutual assistance, and trustworthiness. The central insight of this approach is that social networks have real value both for the people in those networks, as well as for bystanders.”
“…our stock of—the very fabric of our connections with each other—has plummeted, impoverishing our lives and communities.”
They continue with the clear distinction:
“Bonding social capital are networks that are inward looking, composed of people of like mind.” Bridging social capital networks “encompass different types of people and tend to be outward looking.”
Peter Block uses the distinction to make it clear that his book focuses on bridging communities. This book you are reading is all about bonding communities.
Both ways of rebuilding the social capital, that has been lost, feel deeply important at this time in the world.
Most of the social capital building we see locally and around the world is of the bridging variety. As Paul Hawken noted in his visionary book Blessed Unrest: How the Largest Movement in the World Came into Being:
“I soon realized that my initial estimate of 100,000 organizations was off by at least a factor of ten, and I now believe there are over one – and maybe even two – million organizations working toward ecological sustainability and social justice.”
While I profoundly honor and support these magnificent bridging projects, the communities I envision are of the bonding variety. For 25 years I have observed closely how so many men of MKP bond in their I-groups. Rooted in these friendship communities, they often find the energy and volition to “live their mission,” which leads to deeply impactful and wonderful bridging community projects. These small groups of men supporting each other have generated thousands of splendid “social inventions” serving children, women, minorities, the disabled, the incarcerated, and other people around the world.
Every year, for over ten years, MKP has given out the annual Ron Hering Mission of Service awards. The men from each of the forty centers choose one man who has manifested his mission in a particularly remarkable way. Every year as I see these men blessed for the beautiful service projects they lovingly have guided into our world. It always touches my heart and I feel so proud of my brothers. Men in loving bonded groups find their hearts and the motivation to do bridging work in the world.
In this context I hold this vision for bonding communities to amp up the size and power of the gifts. If a bonded group of five to ten members such as the MKP I-groups can generate so many positive projects and changes, imagine the potential of a bonded community of 30-150 men and women joyously supporting each other.
Now imagine hundreds of core gift community groups living harmoniously with others. It’s a potent vision for our future. Bonding generates trust. Trust provides the footings that creative projects require. From this base we can easily see these communities creating safety nets for each other, including food, healthy medical care, education, even a complementary currency system that keeps wealth local.
By expanding our capacity to trust and being trustworthy, we further our ability to build bridges between divisions in the larger world.
"Social movements are humanity's immune response to political corruption, economic disease, and ecological degradation."
- Paul Hawken
“I don’t know of any great movement that hasn’t depended on base communities to sustain individuals in the demanding work of social change.” Parker Palmer
Parker Palmer, a very wise and courageous truth-teller I have admired for decades, precedes the above quote with this observation:
“[I]nstitutional change doesn’t come about simply through the actions of courageous whistle-blowers. It happens through the formation of communities of people who have a shared moral concern and who can provide encouragement, resources, and protection for each other.”
Duane Elgin, in his 2010 edition of Voluntary Simplicity, calls for “a new village movement” or “greenhouses of human invention.” Indeed, right now the world needs social artists, architects and inventors all humming along—full speed imagining, building and disseminating the social designs of the new culture. In Gift Community our task is to provide the fertile soil in which new methods can grow. In joy we water and nurture the buds regularly, keep them warm, harvest when ready, and launch into the larger neighborhood, community and eventually into the world.
The movement of social inventors has begun in earnest. We use different names for these change agents—for example, the social artists of Jean Houston, the social entrepreneurs of David Gershon and the social architects of Jim Channon. By whatever name, each invites us to offer our creative gifts as we step up to do what needs to be done.
Jean Houston, my friend and fellow resident of Ashland, Oregon, calls us Social Artists because we are creating it fresh as we go. We have no map, just a feel for the beauty that is possible. “Social Artistry,” she has written, “is the art of enhancing human capacities in the light of social complexity. It seeks to bring new ways of thinking, being and doing to social challenges in the world.” It was her old friend Margaret Mead who famously said, “Never doubt that a thoughtful group of committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”
David Gershon, in his visionary new book Social Change 2.0: A Blueprint for Reinventing Our World, says, “Given the scale of change required to pull our planet back from the brink we need a social entrepreneurship revolution. To do this we need to increase the percentage of people who walk this path from one in a thousand to ten or even a hundred in a thousand.”
Jim Channon suggests that social inventions can be most anything created by humans, however social architectures focus on culturally significant purposeful creation. He says, “The purpose of social architecture is to make known the tools and practices for the conscious construction of a planetary civilization.”
The following examples of social inventions on his website are focused on youth; they are but a sample of the volume of ideas and practices that cross all social distinctions:
Download this book for your ebook reader.
(Pages 1-30 show above.)