THE CHIEFTAIN AND THE SHAMAN
A Short Story
By
LB Andrews
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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PUBLISHED BY:
LB Andrews on Smashwords
Cover art by Alissa
The Chieftain and the Shaman
Copyright © 2011 by LB Andrews
Smashwords Edition License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.
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Dedicated to Cavemen and Cavewomen everywhere
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The Chieftain and the Shaman
It always went the very same way.
“Those are GODS up in the sky!” Shaman shouted at Chieftain.
CRACK! BOOM!
They ducked their heads when lightning hit a bit too close for comfort.
“That’s lightning, Shaman,” Chieftain replied as they ran for the cave. “That’s all it is. It ain’t GODS. You’ve been drinking too much wine or smoking that whacky vine again!”
“I don’t drink!” retorted Chieftain. “Hey, what is ‘wine’ anyway, and who told you that word? Do you have some? Who has that?”
Chieftain and Shaman often argued for hours. When Chieftain got appointed to be the first ‘cop’ in the cave, he began to see things from a different perspective. “I need a tree and a noose,” he declared.
The other cavemen glanced around at each other. “What have we done?” they wondered.
At the same meeting, Shaman got appointed to be the first ‘diviner’. He tried to put Chieftain in check. “I’ll decide which tree to use if one is needed; and what is a noose?”
The cavemen glanced around at each other again. “Why did we need a Shaman?” they wondered with much regret.
●
It all started the day Caveman Toto caught a big-ass fish and drug it back to the cave. All of the Cavegirls ran up and smooched on him.
“This is bull!” Caveman Lasso exclaimed. His girl had joined in on the smooching up of Toto. “Mine was bigger than his!” All of the girls looked in his direction when he said that, but Lasso had no fish. They went back to smooching on Toto.
Lasso called for a council. “What is council?” Caveman Jetto asked.
“I know what that is!” Caveman Sotto said with great exuberance. “It’s a meeting!”
Sotto’s statement started an argument, which started a war - a war that lasted two generations.
●
“I think my grandfather meant to say ‘Trial’,” said Caveman Doggo. “Not meeting.”
“But he said ‘Council’, Doggo. Why didn’t he say what he meant?” Caveman Loggo complained.
They were interrupted by Cavewoman Preggy. “What are the two of you doing? Get your backsides down there and catch us some fish! Sitting around up in the cave all day long and arguing over words, isn’t putting food in our mouths!”
Preggy stormed out of the cave with her hands on her hips.
“When did we stop dragging them around by their hair?” Loggo asked, as they watched her stride away.
“Some moons ago,” Doggo replied.
Loggo didn’t like Doggo’s answer. “Some moons ago? How long is that? We need a better way to keep time. This ‘moons ago’ crap doesn’t work for me. What happens if it gets cloudy and we miss a moon?”
●
Time passed and soon Loggo and Preggy had a son. Loggo named him Scientisto.
“Scientisto?” Litiltoes asked Preggy. “What kind of a name is that?”
“I have no clue,” Preggy replied. “Ask Loggo; he’s the one named him.”
Scientisto was forced to grow up quickly. His name attracted abusive remarks from the other Caveboys. “Hey, Scientisto,” Caveboy Bullybo mocked. “What time is it?”
“What time? It’s time for me to kick your ass again, Bullybo!” Scientisto said.
Scientisto was winding up bird intestines into this stretchy thing. He tied the ends onto a flexible stick he had found. He picked up a piece of bone with a groove in it and hooked it onto the bird intestine string thing. He pointed it at the grinning Bullybo and pulled it back and let it go.
WHAP! The bone stuck right into Bullybo’s forehead. Bullybo keeled over dead.
The other Caveboys were amazed. “Whoa!” Caveboy Curiso exclaimed. “What is that thing you have, Scientisto?”
Bullybo’s last jerking spasm (along with the blood squirting out of his head), was completely ignored as the Caveboys gathered around Scientisto. They were amazed at his new thing that shot the bone.
“I’m making myself one of those!” Caveboy Soldiero declared. The group ran outside to see what else Scientisto could kill with his new thing.
But that night, Loggo made Scientisto give up his new invention. “You’re supposed to be working on something to help us keep time better,” he scolded Scientisto.
Suddenly, Preggy yanked the thing away from Loggo and threw it on the fire.
“Your father is right!” she said.
Loggo was trying to grab the thing out of the fire. “You dumb cow!” he shouted at Preggy. “Don’t call me dumb!” she shouted and pushed the leaning Loggo headlong into the fire.
The next morning everyone gathered around as Preggy pulled Loggo’s charred bones out of the fire. They were amazed at how his bones were connected together when Preggy pulled on his feet.
“It smelled bad in here last night,” Preggy said. “We could barely sleep.”
Later, Cavemen Jumbo and Limbo were amazed as they watched the fish nip the remaining flesh off Loggo’s bones. Preggy had Loggo’s body down to the water and thrown him in earlier. Jumbo and Limbo had been lying on the rocks in the stream - the way they always did - trying to snatch a fish as it swam by. But there had been no fish swimming by all day long. That’s when they noticed that the fish were over snacking on Loggo’s bones.
Jumbo reached down and easily grabbed two fish. Limbo grabbed two more.
“Hey, Jumbo,” Limbo said. “I have an idea. Once Loggo goes away, we just put someone else down here. We wouldn’t have to lie on the rocks anymore. All we have to do is come over here and reach down. We can catch all the fish we need.”
“Yeah,” Jumbo smiled. “Then we can get more girls too!”
Limbo suddenly had a smile from ear to ear. “Don’t tell anyone about this, Jumbo. Nobody will find out the secret if YOU don’t tell. It was my idea!”
That night Limbo ambushed Jumbo and smashed his head open with a big rock. Limbo drug Jumbo’s body down to the water and threw it in over Loggo’s bones.
“There,” Limbo said smiling. “Girls; I be the CAVEMAN NOW! Whoop-tee-doo!”
●
The years passed and although the chaos continued, the clan managed to survive. When the ‘council meeting’ finally came about, the men decided to NOT allow the women to attend.
“What are they doing in there anyway?” Bigbooty asked the other Cavegirls.
“Who knows and who cares!” Lilbooty replied.
“They’re making new rules,” Longlegsy said. “They decided we need new rules.”
“Rules for us too?” Droopity asked. “They’re making up rules for us and they didn’t want us to be there? Cavemen!”
“We won’t follow their rules anyway,” Nicebooty smirked.
Meanwhile, the council meeting started with all brawns and no brains. The biggest man in the cave, Maximo - who could lift the biggest club - took control.
“Anybody speaks I swing,” he warned as he waved his big club. “Now, Sheeto will speak.” Maximo pointed his club at Sheeto.
“I have a new rule. But first, see this pile of rocks?” Sheeto pointed to a pile of rocks in the middle of the cave. Everyone shook their heads for ‘yes’ and then glanced at Maximo before looking back at Sheeto.
“If you like the rule, take a rock and throw it over there,” Sheeto said pointing at the fire.
“Huh?” Unanimous among the facial expressions, also fell upon Maximo.
“Hold on, Sheeto!” Maximo said. Maximo reached down and drew a circle with the tip of his club. “Throw rocks here,” he said.
Better, oh yeah, with ‘yes’ head nodding all around.
Sheeto continued. “No more killing each other and throwing each other in the river, so as to catch more fish, so as to get more girls.”
Caveman Tortisto raised his hand, causing everybody to quickly look at Maximo to see if he would strike Tortisto with his club. Maximo pointed his club at Tortisto to go ahead.
“I have a question for Sheeto; on his rule,” Tortisto said. “What happens if somebody breaks the rule?”
“Tar and Feather,” Sheeto said. “And then, no more girls – ever!”
“Vote now!” Maximo ordered.
Everybody looked at each other as in ‘What is vote?’
Maximo rolled his eyes at them. He reached down and grabbed one of the rocks and threw it in the circle. He stood back waiting until the caveguy closest to him followed suite. Everybody looked at the next caveguy, and so it went around the cave until all of the rocks had been thrown into the circle.
Maximo reached up on the cave wall and drew a line with his club. “Rule this one,” he said.
●
The first argument between the Chieftain and the Shaman occurred immediately after the men came out of the meeting.
“Hey, Maximo,” Sheeto started to say something.
“Don’t call me Maximo anymore; I’m Chieftain now, Sheeto!” he scolded.
“Well, then don’t call me Sheeto anymore; I’m Shaman now!”
The two Cavemen looked at each other trying to figure out what to do about this new situation, when Nicebooty came walking by.
“Hi, Booty,” Shaman said.
“Don’t call me Booty,” she said not stopping. “It’s Nicebooty.”
“Where are you going?” Chieftain asked as both men stared at her ‘walk away’ backside.
“To a meeting,” she replied.
Chieftain and Shaman looked at each other with disbelief. “What meeting?” Shaman asked, as she STILL hadn’t stopped walking away.
“Girls club meeting,” she said.
And that’s when the thunder and lightning struck, and that’s when Shaman told Chieftain there were Gods up in the sky, and that’s when our history was first getting made.
Boy, I wish I could have been there – you know - to see the drama.
The End
Afterword
We used to joke around about how things might have happened for the first time back in the days of the cavemen and cavewomen. Things like making up rules and appointing the first policeman and first priest. The Chieftain and the Shaman came out of the fond memories of those useless but funny conversations.
Sometimes I wonder how in heaven’s name humans managed to survive those early days. It’s academic but fun to wonder about since no one really knows how things first happened.
Thanks for reading The Chieftain and the Shaman!
LBA, June 2011
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Other titles by LB Andrews on Smashwords
Kill Bonnie is a novel about Betty and Bonnie and long awaited revenge.
Nature Ride is a novella and the story of 12 year old Jeremy Jenkins and family as they brave Jeremy’s birthday present: Tickets to hop aboard the mysterious new thrill ride everyone is yapping about.
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About the author:
LB and his lovely wife Paulette, reside in Seminole, Florida on the Gulf of Mexico. LB and Paulette have two children and two granddaughters. They have a Boxer named Bama and two cats, Kiki and Ozzie.