This book was written to be used in situations where the normal run of the mill excuses just won't cut it. The simple I have a stomach ache, or my tire is flat has gotten you in trouble, and your boss simply won't accept it from you any more. Just read one of these excuses, and not only will you get the day off no questions asked, the boss will start asking how you were able to manage to get into work. *Disclaimer* I am not responsible if you try one of these excuses and it blows up in your face. Also I want no credit if it works to perfection.
Excuse #1: The rent a car place gave me a Delorian.
Scenario: You missed work on Monday after being there for only a half day on Friday. The boss approaches you and asks what happened?
You respond "Well you know I had to leave early Friday for my doctor's appointment, and I made it to that in plenty of time. Unfortunately the medicine the doctor gave me made me a little drowsy and I fell asleep at the wheel and crashed my car. I am perfectly fine, and it was a one car accident, but unfortunately my car is completely totaled. So after the accident I called a rent a car place and they bring me a freaking Delorian. So I drive it around all weekend and don't have any problems with it. Then on the way to work yesterday I noticed the clock had switched to military time and was wrong. It claimed it was 19:55 but it was actually 7:55 in the morning. Since I was still 15 minutes out and needed to be there in 5 I floored it, well the next thing I know I'm at a high school sock prom with my mom. This weird gray haired science guy was able to help me get back using a lightning bolt and some kind of weird capacitor thing. Unfortunately when I got back, it was 7:30 today and the car gets hit by a train with the same science guy on it. He had two really weird looking kids, and I think one of them had a thing for his girlfriend because he kept motioning towards his crotch. Any way the car is gone, the science dude went back to the old west, and I shouldn't have any more problems making it to work on time.
Version 2 of Back to the Future excuse
Well I was in a wreck on Friday and had to rent a car. Unfortunately all they had available was a Delorian. So I'm flooring it to work on Monday I'm doing 85 and I'm still going to be late so I go a little faster. All the sudden there's a huge flash of light and I'm literally 20 feet from a T-Rex. My first thought was somehow in the flash of light I accidentally drove into a drive in theater showing Jurassic Park, then I realized why on Earth would there be a theater showing Jurassic Park in 2011. Then again I'm using a Back to the Future reference in my excuse, but that's neither here nor there. So anyway I see the T-Rex, rationalize that it is not Jurassic Park and soil myself. I see a huge boulder hurdling towards Earth so I start the car back up. Then I floor it as fast as I can and another flash of light and I'm back on the highway. I look at the clock and the whole time travel ordeal took me five hours, and I didn't want to come to work with crap in my pants, so I drove home changed my pants, and by that time it was already 3 and I didn't see any reason to come in for 2 hours. So anyway sorry I couldn't make it yesterday, but I'll try to keep my car below 88 until my other car is out of the shop. Also I'm pretty sure I inadvertently helped with the extinction of the dinosaurs, so if anyone asks you didn't hear this from me.
Excuse #2: I've joined an Amish community, and my buggy has not arrived yet. This takes some dedication to pull off, but if you're willing to drive a horse and buggy to work for a few months, you won't get in trouble for being late as often.
Excuse #3: I was driving along the highway and I saw an injured dog along the side of the road. I couldn't just leave him there, so I drove to the vet and dropped him off. Also I have to leave at 4:30 to pick him up since the vet closes at 5. If your boss is a pet person, this will work excellently, if they don't like animals I would suggest not using this one.
Excuse #4: A classic excuse, but the key is to be as specific as possible. My rear passenger side tire went flat after the truck in front of me had to slam on his breaks and I swerved onto the shoulder in order to avoid him, and that's when I saw the shatter glass and tried to slam on my brakes, but it was too late. Luckily the front tire was fine, but my back tire was completely shredded. I was able to change it, and I'm sorry I know it's not a good excuse, but there really wasn't anything I could've done.
Excuse #5: I'm sorry I flew to a different timezone over the weekend and forgot to reset my watch. When I finally checked my phone, I realized I was late and got here as quick as possible.
Excuse #6: This one can only be used after a bad thunderstorm but if done correctly can work pretty well. Call your boss on his cell phone using your house phone, not your cell phone this is very important. Call your boss and say "The power is out in my house and my cell phone is completely dead, I was just wondering what the exact time is." Don't call the office phone, it's a dead giveaway that you already know you're late and are trying to make an excuse. If you don't have a house phone, as I know many people don't you can always call him and say the power just now came back on and your cell phone was dead.
Excuse #7: Blame a buddy: Call the boss and say you were supposed to be carpooling with someone and they never showed up. If the boss believes you, your coworker will be pissed, but at least you'll be in the clear. Version 2: Call the boss and say "I'm sorry I was halfway to work and forgot I was supposed to pick up (insert coworker's name) we'll both be there in 10 minutes" As long as your coworker goes along with this story the boss won't get too mad.
Excuse #8: Last night I went to this new sea food restaurant and long story short apparently I'm allergic to shrimp. I'll be in tomorrow though.
Excuse #9: I'm not actually late I just moved all the clocks up 30 minutes on Friday so we could go home early. This might actually get you fired depending on how your boss feels about practical jokes. However, if you attempt this excuse actually adjust the clock otherwise everyone will be pissed about staying thirty minutes late on that day.
Excuse #10: I'm sorry boss I was up all night making up excuses.