A NEATS Analysis of Children
with Sexual Behavior Issues & Their Families
by Jane Gilgun
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Copyright 2011 by Jane Gilgun
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Summary
Children show many different kinds of sexual behaviors. These behaviors range from developmentally appropriate to exploitive and aggressive acts that harm others, almost always other children. In this article, I discuss the varieties of children’s sexual behaviors. This article provides information that will help parents and professionals make informed decisions about how to respond to children’s sexual behaviors.
About the Author
Jane F. Gilgun, Ph.D., LICSW, is a professor, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA. She does research on children and families with a variety of developmental issues, on the meanings of violence to perpetrators, the development of violent behaviors, and on how persons overcome adversities.
A NEATS Analysis of Children
with Sexual Behavior Issues & Their Families
Children have many different kinds of sexual behaviors. These behaviors range from developmentally appropriate to exploitive and aggressive acts that harm others, almost always other children. In this article, I discuss the varieties of children’s sexual behaviors using three kinds of assessments. They are the Gil and Johnson typology, the NEATS, which is a child and family assessment that I developed, and ideas from research on resilience and risk.
Through the use of these assessments, I build understandings of the complex issues involved in children’s sexual development. I also provide guidelines for how adults can respond so that children develop to their optimal potential. Too often parents and other adults do not know what to do. Their attempts to help sometimes are effective and sometimes not. Concerned adults may make things worse. This article provides information that will help parents and others make informed decisions about how to respond to children’s sexual behaviors.
The types of childhood sexual behaviors that I discuss are developmentally appropriate, inappropriate sexual exploration, abuse reactive sexual behaviors, extensive mutual sexual behaviors, and molesting behaviors that children commit. By children, I mean young people 12 and younger. These categories are based upon the work of Eliana Gil and Toni Johnson. I have done long-term research on the development of violent behaviors and use my own research and understandings in this article as well as ideas from Gil and Johnson.
Developmentally Appropriate Sexual Behaviors
Children’s sexual development begins before birth. Studies of fetal development in the womb show that girl fetuses experience genital swelling and boy fetuses have erections. This is nature’s way of ensuring healthy development, just as fetal kicking signals physical development.
From an early age, children enjoy touching their genitals. Parents know well that when they bathe young children, it’s not unusual for children’s hands to go directly to their genitals. Little boys may run around naked to show off their erections. Some say, “Look. My penis is standing up.” Running around naked is an activity that preschoolers enjoy.
Most children take pleasure in touching their genitals. Early in their lives, parents teach young children when and where such touch is appropriate and when it is not. This is an example of what parents and others, such as day care providers, can say, when children touch their genitals in public.
I know it feels good to touch your penis/vulva. This kind of behavior is private. That means you do not touch your vulva/penis when other people are around. You can touch yourself in your own bedroom or when you take a bath or shower and you are by yourself.
Sometimes parents or other adults find children undressed and inspecting each others’ genitals. When adults are taken by surprise, it’s okay to take a minute or two to think about how to handle this. Then adults can walk into the area where the children are and say something like the following.
I see you are curious about what girls and/or boys look like.[The adult pauses to allow the children to respond.] I want you to get dressed now.
Then you and I can talk about the sexual body parts of boys and girls. I have a book called A Very Touching Book that I think you will like. We’ll read it together. Then you can read it whenever you want. You can talk to me about sex any time you want.
As children grow older, they continue to engage in behaviors that are related to sexuality. They wonder about where babies come from. They often have boyfriends and girlfriends even as young children, and they may find sexual terms and jokes hilarious. Some elementary school teachers find fourth graders to be the most foul-mouthed of all people they have known. They laugh in the teachers’ room about what they overhear students say to each other.
As children enter teen years, they may hug and kiss each other. Some may touch each other sexually. Group masturbation sometimes occurs. As children mature toward adulthood, their sexual behaviors become more focused on sexual pleasure and hopefully also on mutual respect.
When sexual development is appropriate, sexuality is one of many interests that children and young people have. They have many other interests, such as sports, school, hobbies, hanging out with friends, and volunteer work. Each area of development requires parental guidance, nurturing, and encouragement.
Inappropriate Sexual Exploration
Without realizing what they are doing, some children may cross the line and take advantage of other children out of sexual curiosity. An example is Charlie, an eight year-old boy who told four year-old Alexa to pull down her pants and then touched the child’s genitals, including poking into her vagina. Alexa told her parents who told Charlie’s parents. The parents asked Charlie about what he did. He told them. The parents said.
We don’t want you to do this. Alexa is a lot younger than you. You probably didn’t realize that this behavior is wrong.
Charlie immediately said he was sorry and won’t do it again. He explained to his parents that he had been wondering what girls look like. When he was alone with Alexa, he decided to find out.
The parents said
We know you didn’t know it is wrong. Now you do. We want you to tell Alexa you are sorry, and you won’t do it again. Now you and I can talk about sex. You obviously want to know about it. We’re sorry we haven’t talked to you about sex more than we have. We can talk any time you want. If you don’t bring up topics about sex for a while, we will.
Both Charlie and his parents did exactly what they said they would do. Charlie apologized to Alexa. She told him she didn’t like what he did, and she didn’t want him to do it again. Her parents asked her if she is afraid of Charlie. Alexa said, “No. He’s nice to me.” Charlie and Alexa lived on the same block but they didn’t play together. Both children had friends their own age. They saw each other at the bus stop and the community center.
After the apology, both children were cautious when they saw each other. The parents continued to have short conversations with their children about the incident. Both were willing to meet together again as families if necessary for the children’s well-being. They did not because they saw that the children resumed their casual relationship with each other.
Secure Attachments
Charlie and his family had what professionals call secure relationships. Charlie trusted his parents and his parents trusted him. Ever since he was born, Charlie’s parents have been there for him. They fed his when he was hungry and responded well to any distress he experienced. They played with him and respected his cues that he had had enough. They were contingently responsive. As he grew older, they helped him to express his emotions and want appropriately and helped him to learn that sometimes he had to wait for something he wanted.
They had the qualities associated with secure attachments: sensitive responsiveness, emotional availability, setting of limits, and showing Charlie how to behave in appropriate ways.
Charlie came to believe that he is a trustworthy person whom other people care about. He gradually internalized how his parents and other care providers treated him. He became a trustworthy and trusting human being.
Alexa’s parents, too, provided Alexa with secure attachments that helped her as she worked through the effects of Charlie’s behavior. In fact, she trusted her parents in new ways because of how they handled her fright about Charlie’s sexual aggression.
Charlie was not perfect. His sexual behaviors with Alexa were inappropriate. His parents were not perfect. They could have done a more adequate job of educating Charlie about sexuality and respect for the personal boundaries of others. Charlie and his parents made mistakes, but they took responsibility for their mistakes, admitted when they were wrong, and took steps not to repeat their mistakes.
Protective Processes
When children have secure attachments, they have built-in protective factors. This means they develop capacities to cope with, adapt to, and overcome adversities. In Charlie’s case, he had internalized trust of his parents, capacities to admit mistakes, and desires to be accountable. These protective factors were the foundation of his sense of being sorry over doing something that hurt Alexa, his willingness to apologize, and his openness to his parents’ offer to talking with him about sexuality.
Charlie’s parents showed they had internalized protective factors, too. They held Charlie accountable. They guided him toward appropriate behaviors, and they took responsibility for their inadequate sex education of Charlie.
In Alexa’s case, she, too, had internalized trust of her parents. She told them right away about the abuse. They responded sensitively to her. They also contacted Charlie’s parents to let them know. They did not want Charlie’s parents to punish him, but to tell him not to do it again and explain why. They knew Charlie and his family well enough to trust that they would handle Charlie’s behavior in ways that would not harm Charlie. They were willing to prepare Alexa to talk to Charlie about the abuse, which they did. They trusted that Charlie’s parents would prepare Charlie, which they did.
Both sets of families and children showed the kinds of behaviors associated with secure attachments.
A NEATS Assessment
When children have secure attachments within their families, they typically have optimal neurological functioning, good executive skills, proscocial styles of self-regulation, and have the safety of secure relationships where they can process their experiences, including the effects of any trauma they have undergone. These five areas of functioning comprise the NEATS, which stands for Neurobiology, Executive Function, Attachment, Trauma, and Self-Regulation. The five parts of the NEATS assessment are connected. If children have secure attachments, they typically develop well in the other four areas. If there are issues with one area, then there may be issues in the other areas.
Neurobiology has to do with brain development. Charlie showed evidence of good neurological functioning because he understood what he had done, was appropriately sorry, and did not react emotionally to the point where he could not understand what he done. In other words, he had good executive function and self-regulation because, although he felt stressed, he was able to understand what he did was wrong, and he did what he needed to do to make up for his harmful behaviors.
Telling Alexa to pull her pants down and then penetrating her with his fingers shows poor executive function and the impulsivity that is part of issues with self-regulation. He did not think about the effects of this behavior on Alexa, on himself, on his family and on Alexa’s family. He only thought to satisfy his own curiosity. This is tunnel vision characteristic of poor executive functions. Behaviorally, he violated another child’s personal space and acted disrespectfully. This shows a lack of imagination and empathy that are also part of poor executive skills.
Fortunately, his parents and Alexa’s had good executive function and self-regulation. They responded appropriately. They set limits on Charlie’s behaviors, told him his behaviors were wrong, and guided him on how to make up for what he had done. His parents also realized that they needed to provide Charlie with more information about sexuality. These behaviors indicate good executive function.
The experience may have been difficult for Charlie. He may not have experienced trauma, which are life events that overwhelm children’s capacities for coping with, adapting to, or overcoming trauma. Charlie’s trauma would have been related to events surrounding responses to his inappropriate behaviors.
Children with trauma may have several behavioral and emotional effects. These include intrusive recall of memories related to the trauma, nightmares, fear and avoidance of reminders of the trauma, difficulty with self-regulation or mood swings, preoccupation with the trauma, and repetitive re-enactment of the trauma.
Charlie was unlikely to have experienced trauma when his behaviors become known. His parents provided the safety and security required to work through stressful life events.
Alexa could have experienced trauma. Certainly she was frightened when she turned to her parents who provided her with a safe haven, where she worked through the effects of Charlie’s abusive behaviors.
Worst Case Scenario
Had the police arrested Charlie, taken him from school in handcuffs, put him in jail cell, and then called his parents, Charlie would have been traumatized. Police have done this to young children. Such actions may have set Charlie back. Therefore, his apology to Alexa could have been delayed for weeks and months. The delay would have hurt Alexa.
If Charlie had received this treatment, Alexa may have blamed herself, which would have compounded the effects of Charlie’s abusive behaviors. With the kinds of parents she had, Alexa is likely to have worked through the effects of both experiences.
Charlie and his parents had secure attachments. They would have been there for Charlie, and he may have worked through the trauma of police involvement. In addition, his parents would probably have sought professional help in this situation. They may not have been able to cope well without the help of others. Being as well put together as they were, they would have realized they needed the wisdom and guidance of professionals.
Parents who provide their children with secure attachments know their own limits and welcome the help of others.
Even without police involvement, well put together parents like Charlie’s and Alexa’s often seek professional consultation. They view professionals as possibly helpful to them, both in terms of educating them about children’s sexual behaviors but also for providing them with emotional support and guidance during a difficult time in their lives.
Problematic Sexual Behaviors
An indicator of whether children’s sexual behaviors are problematic is whether they stop the behaviors when parents ask them to and when parents explain when and where sexual behaviors are appropriate and inappropriate.
If children do not stop their behaviors, parents require consultation with knowledgeable professionals. The next three types of childhood sexual behaviors require parents and children to work cooperatively with professionals.
Sexually Reactive Childhood Behaviors
Some children behave in sexual ways as a means of coping with sexual trauma or other kinds of trauma. These are children with sexualized behaviors. They may masturbate in public, keep a stash of sexually explicit material, think about sexual things for much of the day, peep on persons who are in various stages of undress, or expose their sexual body parts.
While they often do not, some children with sexualized behaviors may also engage in sexual behaviors with other children. In their sexual behaviors, however, they do not force or trick other children. They persuade other children with no false promises or threats.
Many children show sexualized behaviors. Parents and other adults know that children have issues that require professional attention when parents ask the children to stop the behaviors, explain alternatives, and the behaviors continue. Some children may stop, but they and their may still benefit from professional attention in some situations.
When parents see their children act in sexualized ways and do not stop the behaviors after being asked to, parents may wonder if someone has sexually abused their children. They can gently ask if anyone has behaved that way with them. This is an example
I see that you enjoy touching your penis/vagina/looking at pictures of people with no clothes on. Has anyone done this with you?
Parents have to prepare themselves for the answers. Typically, abusers are people parents know and trust. It’s terrible for parents when they find their children have experienced sexual abuse. They may be shocked and devastated when life partners or close relatives are the abusers.
Many children who have sexualized behaviors have experienced child sexual abuse. Gil and Johnson believe that these behaviors are reactions to being sexually abused. The younger children are when they are sexually abused, the more likely they are to develop sexualized behaviors.
A Case Study
Here is an example of a child who had sexualized behaviors and then stopped. Josie at four had experienced sexual abuse by her father a few times when she was between the ages of three and four. Within a few months after the abuse began, she began to stuff wet toilet paper into her vagina. She enjoyed how that felt. She also rubbed her vulva against her Teddy bear.
One morning, her mother saw her stuffing the toilet paper into her vagina. Her mother asked her to stop. Josie did. She also stopped rubbing herself with her toy bear. Josie did not have professional help for these behaviors. Her mother told her father about Josie’s behaviors. Josie’s father stopped molesting her, although he never told his wife what he had done.
Josie forgot all about her sexualized behaviors until she was in her forties. Her mother was dying of breast cancer. Her father had died about ten years earlier. Josie’s mother told Josie about her sexualized behaviors when she was young. Josie felt a shiver of recognition. She had vague memories of her father’s abuse and her sexualized behaviors. She never felt as if this early experience of abuse had harmed her sexual responses. She enjoyed sex and was happily married.
Josie told her mother how grateful she was that her mother talked to her about these behaviors. She assured her mother that she had had therapy and had no residual effects from the early sexualized behaviors. Josie believed her mother felt guilty, and that she, Josie, had eased her mother’s guilt.
Josie came from a fairly well put-together family where she felt valued and loved. Her relationship with her father had been rocky, but she felt validated about her relationships with him because her mother and siblings agreed that her father was difficult. As a young adult, Josie had therapy to help her work out her guilt and rage toward her father. The therapy appeared to free her to fall in love and maintain good relationships with her husband and children. She had an excellent education and a good job. Overall, she had high life satisfaction.
A NEATS Analysis
A NEATS analysis shows that Josie had a secure relationship with her mother and with her siblings, but an ambivalent relationship with her father. She argued with her father a lot. Fortunately, he tolerated her resistance to his often autocratic rule. Their arguments probably helped her to maintain some semblance of trust in him and some sense of herself as someone who can stand up for herself.
There is evidence for Josie’s good neurological functioning and for others in her family. Her father may have had some sort of neurological issues, perhaps a low grade form of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia. He had mood swings that Josie sound unnerving. That is why she argued with him. Two of her father’s cousins and one of his uncles had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, lending further evidence that her father may have had neurological issues.
On the whole, Josie had secure attachments, good self-regulation, good executive function, and a lack of debilitating trauma. Her family lived in the same house in the same town with adequate income throughout her childhood and teenage years. The protective factors in her life outweighed the risks.
Some children have sexualized behaviors, and they have not experienced sexual abuse. They became sexualized through exposure to the sexual behaviors of others. If their sexualized behaviors become resistant to change, they are like to have several risks in their lives and no one with whom they have secure attachments. If they had secure attachments, they would have had the safety children require to work through the effects of adverse life events.
Marty: A Case of No Sexual Abuse but Sexualized Behaviors
Marty’s story shows that some children have sexualized behaviors but no known history of sexual abuse. Marty remembered his childhood as painful to the extreme. He experienced severe anxiety and fear of his parents. One of the last of several children, he reported that his parents not only beat him and verbally abused him, but they also neglected him emotionally and psychologically. He did not experience his parents as there for him.
In terms of the NEATS, he had an insecure style of attachment with his parents. He did not feel close to his siblings. They, therefore, did not provide him with the safety of secure relationships, either. On his own to deal with the many difficulties he faced, he was unable to develop good executive skills and self-regulation in regard to his anxieties.
Marty used to peek in on his older siblings having sex with their girlfriends and boyfriends. He found this sexually stimulating. He masturbated while watching them. He began this behavior at eight. Within a short time, he found that when he masturbated. He felt a lot better. He masturbated whenever he felt anxiety in order to feel better. He masturbated several times a day to the point where he had sores on his penis.