Extramarital
By Colin Marks
Copyright 2011 Colin Marks
Smashwords Edition
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Special thanks as always to Mark Mitchell and Allan Jardine for their editing and enthusiasm. And I should thank Katherine, as her operation provided me with enough spare time to write this!
The three of them sat in silence, pint glasses held firmly in their hands. Doug stared into his drink, looking for inspiration amongst the bubbles. Realising no inspiration was coming he glanced across at Ian who seemed to be employing the same fruitless tactic himself. Mike was swirling the beer around his glass, anxiously looking between the two, waiting for a response. Doug accepted he had to say something soon, something supportive; this man’s life could be falling apart in front of him. Doug rubbed the back of his neck, an old injury that doubled as his stress barometer, and decided to play it safe. ‘Sorry to hear that mate. Are you sure? And, uh, do you know who with?’
‘Thanks. No, I’m not sure. But you know when you’ve lived with someone for a few years, when things aren’t right, you can’t put your finger on it, but you know there’s something going on, something wrong. Well, not even wrong exactly, it’s more like just not right. An example. Yesterday the toilet seat was up when I came in. She said she’d been in all day on her own. But you know her! She would never leave it up. She’s always giving me a hard time for it. There’s no way she’d leave it up.’
‘Yeah,’ replied Doug, massaging his fingers into his neck, his barometer suggesting potential storms ahead, ‘I know she does, me too whenever I’ve come around. She’ll kick you in the Khyber for that. Leaving it up. That’s a clue alright, stupid mistake to make.’ He drooped his head, shaking it, muttering something under his breath.
Mike lifted his pint to his mouth and slowly drained his glass. He suspected that first beer might be the first of many tonight.
Ian went to lift his glass, hesitated, and whilst still staring into his glass repeated Doug’s question. ‘So, Mike, uh, do you know who with?’
‘No.’ Both Ian and Doug gulped down a mouthful of beer. ‘But I’m sure, well, fairly certain, that she’s having a bit of extramarital.’
‘That toilet seat is a definite clue,’ Ian smirked towards Doug,
Doug moved his hand from his neck back onto the table and glowered at Ian. ‘I guess it could be, mate. But then again, it might not. Maybe she was doing a spot of housework. Your place is always spic and span, so maybe she was just cleaning the loo and left it up. No big deal, mate. I can’t see how just one toilet seat being up should get you marching down to the divorce court.’
‘It’s not just that, it’s lots of little things. That was just the first one that came to mind. Let me think. Okay, another one: John’s stag weekend last month.’
‘Now that was a good night. I think that hangover lasted a week,’ commented Doug. ‘Shame you couldn’t make that Ian.’
‘Too right, damn shame, I was really looking forward to that. Seems like I missed out on a good one. It was rubbish catching that bug when I did, just bad timing. I was in bed all weekend.’
‘In bed all weekend, mate? All weekend?’ asked Doug.
Ian gazed into his glass, eyes fixed on the remaining mouthful. ‘All weekend. I was shattered.’
Mike chipped in. ‘Great weekend. Ian, yep, bad luck with that one. But, that weekend, whenever I did my duty and phoned home, she never answered. Not once. She said she was in the bath or the garden, never heard it ringing she said. She seemed to hear her mobile just fine mind you, answered that alright. Every time! So you know what? I don’t think she was home. I think she was somewhere else all weekend.’
‘All weekend?’ asked Doug, looking across at Ian.
‘All weekend. I called her loads of times. Again, like the loo seat, nothing you can put on the divorce papers, but it just doesn’t seem right. You know, we’ve been together for years, I can sense when things aren’t right.’
Ian emptied his pint. ‘You could be right there, Mike, but you could also be barking up the wrong bush. That stag weekend was a gorgeous weekend, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, all the neighbours were having barbies. Shame I caught that bug and stayed in bed, bad timing I guess. Louise might’ve been in your garden like she said, topping up her tan, she does like topping up her tan. And Rachel was always taking baths with the door closed and Celine-bloody-Dion blasting out. It was so loud she wouldn’t have heard the phone ring if it was right beside her. So maybe Louise was doing the same. Maybe you’re fishing in the wrong pond here and you’re looking for something that just ain’t there.’
‘Not disagreeing with you. Could be, could well be. I checked the phone when I got back and my calls were all listed as missed calls so it’s possible she never heard the ring. But listen to this. Do you know what I did this morning? I checked her mobile phone. I checked her messages.’
Doug’s fingers sought his neck; thunder storms were being predicted. ‘Really, mate. You checked her messages. Surely that’s an invasion of privacy or something.’
‘I’m in Magnum PI mode here. I’m out finding clues. And do you know what?’
Silence.
‘Go on. Guess. Go on’
Doug drained his beer, cleared his throat, ‘I’m guessing either you’ve bought a wardrobe full of Hawaiian shirts and put a down-payment on a Ferrari, or, she had lots of messages on her mobile. Lots. From her friends.’
‘No,’ interrupted Mike, ‘she didn’t, that’s the thing. Not a single message. Nothing in her folders, not in the sent or the inbox. Nothing, it was empty. She had the phone set to not save them. And no call history either. Nothing there, made or received. It was like the phone was brand new, just out of the box. She’s trying to hide something.’
‘Bloody hell, that’s a relief, mate,’ said Doug, brightening. ‘For you I mean it’s a relief. I never look at my old text messages, does anyone? So really there isn’t point saving them, maybe that’s what she thinks. That’s probably it. I think you’re fishing in the wrong place here mate, like Ian said. This sounds like you being Mr Paranoid, not Mr P.I.’
‘Sounds like it to me,’ confirmed Ian. ‘Louise is a great girl, gorgeous, and she loves you. She bought you that Xbox for your birthday. She really looks after you. You’ve got a good one there, a keeper. Don’t arse it up like I did with Rachel. Drink time. Same again?’
Mike leaned back in his chair. ‘Yeah, love that Xbox, great present. But guess what? She bought that from our joint account, and we’re a single income household. I pretty much bought my birthday present for myself! So I’ll get these drinks from our joint account. She can pay for these as well! Same again? Shout if not.’
Mike stood, picked up the empties and took the couple of steps to the bar. Tom, the landlord, was flicking through a copy of NME whilst Emma, one of the regular barmaids, loaded the dishwasher.
‘Is that mag still going? I was reading that twenty years ago!’ Mike put the empties on the counter. ‘Emma, here’s a few more for you.’
Tom looked up. ‘Don’t know about that. But it’s definitely going now, I bought it across the road this morning. I’m thinking of getting bands in here on Monday nights, it might pull in more people. Those quiz nights were going well until those bloody iGadgets came along.’
‘Yeah, you don’t want to start those quizzes again,’ replied Mike, looking down at the dent in one of the wooden panels under the bar.
‘Pubs need something different these days. It says in here we need to give “extra value”. People can drink at home, so they need a reason to drink in the pub. That’s what it says. What’s wrong with just getting drunk with your mates like we used to? It’s a different world out there these days. If you boys can think of anything, let me know. There's free drinks in it for good ideas. Anyway, what can I do you for?’
‘Same again, Tom,’ Mike asked, knowing that since the place was so quiet even Tom’s pickled brain could remember the previous order.
Mike looked around the bar. There was Pat and his dog Chester in their regular corner, both content in each others company. He didn’t recognise a couple in a booth; they were obviously on an early date since he was showing far too much interest in her. Mike thought of Louise, they had their first date in here. He wished she was here now. She’d tell him to stop being retarded and give him a hug.
Tom pulled down three glasses from the shelf above his head, lined them up on the bar before choosing the first to fill. ‘So what’s up with you lot tonight? You’ve got faces longer than Spurs’ losing streak.’
‘It’s a bad one, Tom. I’m thinking my Louise is having a bit of extramarital.’
Tom put the first pint on the counter and reached for the second glass, eyes concentrating on the pump. ‘That’s too bad. Uh, do you know who with?’
‘That’s the problem, I’ve no idea. I’m not even sure she is. I think she is, but Ian and Doug don’t think so.’
Tom pulled the second pint, picked up the final glass and rolled it in his chubby hand. ‘Well, your friends over there know you both well. If something was going on, I’m sure they’d know.’
‘You could be right,’ agreed Mike, handing over his money when the last pint was placed in front of him.
Mike stretched his fingers, held the glasses in a triangle and carried the drinks back to the table. As he was carefully putting them down, Doug jerked up his hand to wave at somebody coming through the door, almost knocking the glasses out of his hands. ‘Steve, mate, over here. What’s happened to you? You look like you just got out of bed.’
‘Nah, I just got changed into my smart gear. I’ve been doing jobs round the house all evening.’ Since he was made conscious of his appearance, he smartened his hair with his fingers and tucked in his shirt as he sat down. ‘It’s been hard work, but good, all finished now. I need that pint someone is about to buy me. Whose round is it?’
All heads turned to face Mike. ‘There you go mate. She can buy another drink now as well,’ Doug laughed.
Steve looked confused. ‘What’s that? Have I missed something?’
‘Mike thinks Louise is having a bit of extramarital. So we’re spending her money on the beer,’ Ian explained.
‘Louise? You’re kidding. Uh, do you know who with?’ Steve’s hands started to brush his hair again even though it was as neat now as it ever was.
Mike sighed. ‘I’m not even sure that she is. We were just talking about some funny stuff that’s going on. I don’t know any more, it could just be me misreading it, seeing things that aren’t there. What do you want to drink?’ Mike headed to the bar.
Steve leaned side to side on his stool trying to see the taps behind the bar as Emma approached Mike. Steve shouted across the bar to them, ‘Just get me a strong lager. Cheers, mate. By the way, if you guys split, can I have the Xbox?’
Emma looked first at Steve laughing at his remark, then at Mike as she started to pour the drink. ‘You and Louise aren’t splitting, are you?’
‘No, ignore him. He thinks he’s being funny. We were just saying that Louise might be, only might be, having a bit of extramarital.’
Emma focused on the glass, pulling it straight as the beer reached the top. ‘There you go. Sorry to ask, but, uh, do you know who with?’
Mike was about to reply when he felt something cold on his leg. He looked down and saw Chester’s nose rubbing up and down his thigh. He was just about to lift his leg to brush him away when there was a tap on his shoulder. ‘Don’t worry about him,’ came Pat’s croaky voice, ‘he’s too old to be frisky, your leg is safe. Sorry, my hearing isn’t as good as it was and I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but did you say you and Louise are separating? You both make a lovely couple.’
‘No, Pat, it’s not like that.’ Mike was finding it hard to repeat the same story. ‘I was thinking that Louise might be having a bit of extramarital.’
Pat frowned, appearing thoughtful. He looked like he was trying to find the right words, ask the right question. Doug and Ian glanced at each other. The bar silenced as everyone turned, waiting to listen to Pat’s croaky voice. Emma’s nose started to curl, her hand raised involuntarily to cover her mouth which had opened in anticipation.
Pat coughed, then swallowed. ‘Uh, I’m sure you’ll both work out!’ He gave Mike a friendly pat on the shoulder, picked up Chester’s lead and headed for the door.
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From the author:
Thank you for reading this story, I do sincerely hope you enjoyed reading it. If you did enjoy this story, please look out for others and any future stories I may write! Please do get in touch if you’d like to find out more or to let me know what you thought, I’d love to hear your feedback!
Smashwords: http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/colin0117
Email: mailto:colin.marks@yahoo.com