How to take care of your Human pet
An owner’s guide
by
Oskar Hallbert and Sami Said
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PUBLISHED BY:
Oskar Hallbert and Sami Said on Smashwords
Copyright © 2011 by Imaginary Publisher & Oskar Hallbert and Sami Said
Smashwords Edition License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.
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How to take care of your Human pet
An owner’s guide
Thank you for purchasing a Human pet. In this guide we will tell you everything you need to know about caring for Human pets. The amount of information can seem overwhelming in the beginning, but follow our advice and you will be fine.
Note: Please read the safety information carefully to ensure the correct and safe handling of your Human pet.
General Recommendations
Always handle your Human pet with care and in a well kept and tempered vivarium. This Human pet is intended for use in the home and not for commercial purposes. The Human pet must be handed exclusively in accordance with the specifications stated in these guide. The Human Pet Company (HPC) shall not be held liable for any damages which arise from handling or which is not as directed or has been caused by an incorrect management of Human pets. Therefore, please ensure that the following information is observed and heeded.
• Always keep your Human pet in a vivarium.
• Do not drop, throw or try to bend your Human pet.
• Do not paint or scratch your Human pet.
• Do not attempt to cut open your Human pet.
• Keep your Human pet in normal temperature. Your Human pets are most comfortable between 25 °B and 123 °B.
• Use approved accessories only.
• Do not expose your Human pet to open flames or lit tobacco products
Obey Laws and Regulations
Obey all local laws, regulations, rules, orders, signs and notices while handling your Human pet. Laws about the handling of other pets should also be obeyed as referring to animals including Human pets. Do not handle your Human pet where it may be unsafe to do so.
Recommendations for Children
Do not allow children to play with your Human pet. They could accidentally damage the Human pet.
Cleaning and Maintenance
• Before you clean or maintain the Human pet, make sure it is awake.
• Clean your Human pet with water and soap. Dry carefully with Human pet bath cloth.
• Do not use scouring agents, glass or all-purpose cleaners.
• Never immerse the Human pets head in water.
• If your Human pet looks sick or if any of its accessories does not work, turn to your local Human pet provider for help.
Environmental Protection
Observe the local regulations regarding the disposal of your packaging materials, old Human pets and its accessories. The Human pet is made of environmentally friendly materials and can therefore be recycled. Please promote their recycling.
Agency/Regulatory Information
The Human pet is approved for use in many regions of the world. For more detailed information about your region please contact your local pet provider. Governments around the world have adopted comprehensive global safety guidelines for the correct handling of Human pet.
Warranty
Warranty is void if your Human pet is not treated according to our guidelines. We do not take responsibility for injuries caused by mistreatment. Warranty void in Northern Coroa region and any other areas where the gamma radiation is higher then fifteen ba per square herook. Please consult your local Human pet provider for more details.
Setting up a living space
Your Human pet provider offers many kinds of enclosures and for a novice it is a taunting task to choose. Please don’t be scared to ask a salesman for advice. The simplest option is the standard glass enclosure, also known as a vivarium. As a general rule you should calculate a minimum of 5 square herook for every Human pet. But the bigger the living space the lower maintenance costs you will have. Larger space makes it easier to keep a stabile climate and they are also more self-sustaining. That means that they are less vulnerable to technical malfunctions. Although there is no reason to be overly nervous about changes caused by malfunction technology. Shorter burst of climate change will not necessarily lead to damage to your Human pet and can even at times be desirable. Extreme changes in weather are part of Human pets natural habitat. Try to at least keep the temperature between 25 °B and 123 °B.
In nature Human pets live in many types of biotopes, and therefore there is no reason to be overly cautious. But as a general rule you should make sure that your Human pets have enough shelters, that there is some soil, vegetation and a stable source of water. There should also be lights, an air filter system and a thermostat. This is the bare minimum. We strongly recommend that you procure a food dispenser, a waterfall and cleaning bugs. In addition we at the Human Pet Company offer a wide variety of accessories, decorations and tools.
Shelter
Your Human pet needs a place to call home. To replicate Human pets natural environment you can purchase structures that resemble the homes they inhabit in wild. However they tend to build their homes out of non recyclable and sometimes even harmful materials and their structures are weak, vulnerable to moulds, vermin and weather. Our Human pet homes are obviously made of more modern and safe materials. We also carry a variety of tanks, cages and other kinds of shelters. Please contact your local Human pet provider for further information and leaflets.
Lighting
You should at least have two different kinds of lights. One for regular use and one UVB light. In their natural habitat Human pets are used to a 5 serith day rhythm. They are a lazy animal that needs a minimum of two seriths of sleep. However their day rhythm is easily manipulated. You can control it so it coincides with you leisure time by enforcing a 6 serith day rhythm using the Night/Day modulator which takes care of the main lights. The UVB light is unfiltered sunlight, and should be on for only 17 – 23 persips per day.
Note: Warranty is void if non approved UVB light bulbs are used.
Vegetation
It’s impractical to list all the plants that are known to be toxic to Human pets. If safety is a priority we suggest that you forget using found plants altogether. There are so many plants that are either mildly toxic or downright lethal that to list them and then worry if you properly identified the plant isn’t worth the hassle. Therefore you should not use plants or soil or rocks from your garden. We offer a great variety of hardy plants, because Human pets are destructive and in times of stress, anger and frustration may ruin weak plants.
Other species
To create a more interesting and amusing vivarium it can be favorable to introduce other species to your Human pet environment. Even though several attempts have been made at crossbreeding Human pets with other species none have been successful. It’s never a good idea to mix breeds of humanoids. They will not get along with each other. Don’t be fooled by pictures of Human pets and Klingon pets cuddling. Photos like that are done with infant pets and have no base in reality. As adults they will fight and likely inflict severe or even fatal wounds on one another. In nature these humanoids do not inhabit the same planets. If you hear that they get along fine, ask why the breeders always keep them in separate cages.
However there are reasons to introduce other species to your Human pet environment. Human pets are genetically disposed to save energy and require encouragement to move about. Mixing it up with a couple of Three Horned Tentoch’s can lead to more activity. The hunts are dramatic and exciting to watch. Make sure that there are enough shelters.
At your local Human pet provider you can find several kinds of useful bugs that help with the day to day maintenance of your vivarium. This will spare you some of the tedious work. For example the Grouch slug will feed of the human excrement and decompose it into soil.
Finally other species such as the small Boncccobu can add some colorful esthetical value and are not harmful to Human pets.
Note: If uncertain always consult your local Human pet provider.
Tools and equipment
Remember that Human pets are fragile. Handle with care and use gloves if possible. We recommend the following tools that can be purchased at your local Human pet provider. If your hide comes in contact with their skin, make sure to sanitize.
Grabber
For grabbing in your vivarium. Be careful with the pressure you apply. If insecure use a bag net.
Rake
The rake makes it easy to arrange the soil in your vivarium without sticking your tentacle into it.
Bag net
A bag net is the easiest way to safely single out a specific specimen. We recommend that you practice how to use is in a non-critical situation. This way you know that you can handle it correctly when necessary.
Stun rod
The stun rod delivers a low electric charge which will immobilize your Human pet without causing any harm.
Padded poking rod
The padded poking rod is the perfect device to make your Human pet move in a certain direction. You will find this most useful in many situations.
Toys
We offer a great variety of Human pet toys. Everything from rubber balls to crayons. Human pets often like to endorse themselves in meaningless activities like looking at motion pictures or jumping up and down on a trampoline.
Biology of Human pets
It can even be hard for an expert to determine age, race, gender and so on of a Human pet. For a novice they tend to resemble one another. Black market traders sell off less valuable species as Human pets. Please contact the authorities if you have knowledge of such activity in your area. It is of outmost importance to only make purchases from a certified Human pet provider. This is the only way you can be completely sure to get what you have paid for, a well trained, vaccinated, healthy Human pet. Receiving this guide with your purchase is not a guarantee since black market traders give out counterfeit copies.
Note: Even though your Human pets behavior at times suggests that it is capable of real emotions, our scientists have after extensive research concluded that Human pets have no souls or sentience. Their behavior is strictly a product of chemical reactions and biological instincts.
Anatomy
Length: around 10 to 25 con. It has to have at least four limbs. Two are used for walking upright and two for grabbing things. On top it has a head and if you look really close you will see two oval shaped eyes, a mouth and in the middle an outgrowth with two holes in it, this strange organ is actually sensitive to smells, and on each side another outgrowth that are sound receivers.
If you have bought a creature that can fly, burrow or has sharp claws you have most likely been deceived. If this is the case immediately contact the authorities.
Senses
Usually in the animal kingdom species specialize in order to survive. Like the Three Horned Tenti who can take the shape of a Wontobzu bush to fool prey. This is a natural adaptation to get an edge in the environment they inhabit. However with Human pets everything is average. It is a mystery how they survived for so long. They cannot see very far, less than 20 con, and their range of vision is limited to light between 40 and 42 uton rays. They have weak hearing and a numb sense of smell. They are not particularly strong for their height. They can neither jump very high nor run very fast. They have no telepathic abilities and are unable able to stun prey with their mind. They have limited regrowth capacity, if they lose a limb it will not grow back. This is the main reason why they we're near extinction when we discovered their home planet. If it wasn't for our preservation programs they would probably be lost forever.
Note: In order to be a successful Human pet owner you have to imagine your vivarium from their point of view. Many things that are harmless to us can be dangerous to them.
Colors
Human pets in wild come in variety of colors. Brown, pink, red, orange, black, olive and albino. These differences are certainly entertaining but are also believed to serve a function, camouflage. Albeit, a very crude form of camouflage. For example olives can only hide in sand and not grass and most of their home planet is blue. Colors such as green, purple and yellow has been added, courtesy of our research programs, to give you even more freedom of choice.
Feeding
Like every living creature your Human pet needs nourishment to survive. The only way your Human pet can get food is by you supplying it. Your Human pet’s needs vary depending on age and size. The process of food intake has to be strictly controlled because Human pets lack self constraint. In their natural habitat food is scarce so therefore they instinctively eat everything they find. Feeding time can be a source of conflict. Even in situations with abundance they tend to fight each other in order to get more than their fair share. We strongly recommend that you purchase a programmable food dispenser at your local Human pet provider. We have developed many varieties of fodder to meet all kinds of needs. We understand that the number of brands can seem confusing, but we recommend novices to use a combination of Zaxa™, and Nioo™. For exact doses read on the container. These will fulfill your Human pet’s dietary requirements and will keep your Human pet healthy and strong.
Tips: Try to hide food. Human pets love to find treats hidden in holes or hanging from strings. They seem to love the idea that they found a treat and typically twitter with joy in the process.
Note: Warranty is void if your Human pet is feed by non certified nourishments and if dosage guidelines are not followed.
Water
Human pets need a daily intake of water. The risk of dehydration is a serious problem and even the slightest water shortage can endanger you Human pet population. Make sure your Human pets have a stable source of water. The simples and safest way to ensure your Human pets water requirements is to install a waterfall connected to your plumbing. This will give your Human pets a constant flow of fresh water. If you only supply them with a bowl of water this has to be changed at least twice a day since Human pets use the water not only to drink but to play in.
Note: A water bowl even as shallow as 5 con can be a drowning hazard.
Breeding
Keeping infants is a huge responsibility. Human pets needs depend on what stage of development they are in. Infants, only visible difference is in size, require more maintenance than adults. They are less self-reliant, their diet is calculated differently and if not put trough a training program they will soon be too daft to receive any training what so ever. Their learning capability lessens greatly with age. Therefore breeding is not recommended for novices. Use sterility substance Grojxopin™ or let your vet neuter your Human pets.
If you are still interested in breeding you will not have too many difficulties. Human pets require no specific temperature, shelter or food. They are even known to mate in times of distress. They don’t have a specific mating season. In wild they spread like wildfire. Sometimes Human pets need help with courtship. Give your Human pets some alcohol containing liquid, play some rhythmic sounds and constantly switch the lights on and off. The effect arouses them. As you will notice they will start moving about in a spastic manner, and you can also see other strange behavior such as heightened aggression, shouting, lewdness, obscene gestures, and those who don’t find a partner will often show signs of depression. All this is normal, however when your Human pets start vomiting and lose control of their bodies take away their alcohol source. At this stage their procreation ability is very limited. If a female Human pet suddenly becomes really fat without a change in diet, you can be quite sure she is pregnant. After a short period of pregnancy the infant is pushed out of the female genitalia. In this phase they are very little, vulnerable and unable to fend for themselves. For more details consult Human pet farming – a complete guide.
Note: Human pets have a courtship fraught with conflicts; males become more aggressive, and often fight for female approval.
Communicating with your Human pet
We have spent a great deal of resources and time on establishing a line of communication with Human pets. However we have so far been unable to teach them more than a few commands: Sit, Stop, No, Ok, Go, Clean, Danger and Entertain.
The language Human pets use to communicate with each other consists of inarticulate vocal expressions. They seem incapable of comprehending even the simplest form of mathematics. Every attempt of telepathy has been unsuccessful. The Human pet you have purchased has been trained to answer to the following signs and with a little hard work they can even been trained to recognize the voice of their master.
Note: Make soft vocalizations and twittering noises so your Human pet can learn to recognize your voice.
Diseases and how to treat them
Studies have shown that most problems that arise in a vivarium are caused by our negligence. Taking care of your Human pet is a big responsibility and you should not be careless with the maintenance. Maybe you should keep a diary. It is easy to forget when you last fed them. Was it this week you cleaned the air filter or last week? You should also make a note of behavioral patterns. This will make it easier to spot changes and help you catch diseases early on.
New Human pets
To ensure your new Human pet is healthy put it in quarantine for a couple of days before introducing it to your main vivarium. Does it have any strange outgrowths not belonging to its normal anatomy? Does it seem apathetic? Force it to move. It should be scared and trying to get away. This might seem as an overly cautious approach but it isn’t. Never take chances. Remember it is cheaper to lose one Human pet then to lose all of them. Make sure never to come in direct contact with your Human pet as it is vulnerable to our bacteria flora. Any object that is introduced to the vivarium has to be sanitized in advance. Sometimes symptoms may show but it doesn’t always have to be caused by diseases, it may also be caused by the change in environment.
The diseases that are described below are only the most common. They are all fairly easy to treat as long as they are discovered in time. Before issuing a treatment make sure that you made the right diagnosis. Remember that even the most neat-kept vivarium can get infected by diseases
External parasites
Sometimes bugs that are kept for cleaning can attach themselves to humans. This is most likely caused by malfunction of your air filtering system that makes the bugs mistake Human pets for food. They can easily be physically removed. Please be careful when handling Human pets and repair your air filtering system.
Fungal infection
Symptoms consist of changes in skin color, bad odor and frenetic scratching. Most likely caused by an environmental change. Check your humidity, your air filtering system to see if the rates are abnormal. If it’s only a mild outbreak use an antiseptic. If that doesn’t work contact your local Human pet provider.
Malnutrition diseases
Symptoms consist of weight loss, teeth loss, hair loss, tiredness, no response to poking, strange behavior and aggression. Caused by too little or wrong kind of fodder. If unsure always use Zaxa™ and Nioo™.
Extreme attachment syndrome
Symptoms consists of lone moaning, wet discharge from eyes, disruptive behavior, rejecting of fodder, non mutual attachment to specimen of opposite gender and refusal to heed calls. Caused by hormonal imbalance. A very common disease that every Human pet owner sooner or later will experience. Put infected specimen in quarantine and mix hormonal treatment, Grojxopin™ in drinking water.
Death of a Human pet
The death of a Human pet is different from the death of a people. Nevertheless we are an emphatic people and we can experience grief when a Human pet dies. Grieving for a Human pet follows the same basic pattern as it does for people, and we can learn a lot about grieving from these experiences. Remember death is a natural part of our existence.
Discarding of a living Human pet
If you for some reason no longer are interested in or able to care for your Human pet return it to your nearest Human pet provider. If this is impractical put it to sleep in a decent way. It is strictly against the law to release Human pets into the wild. They spread like wildfire and devastate the ecosystem.
Experiments and tips
HPC cannot be held liable for any damage caused by these experiments.
Human pets are by nature lazy and will not willingly move unless forced to do so. Since this is not very interesting to observe you might try different methods to increase activity. It is possible, without causing irreversible harm or distress to your Human pets, to perform simple experiments and observations. Any Human pet can be used in making interesting studies on behavior. Here are a few tips:
1) Human pets are driven by biological instincts and chemical reactions that can be fun to manipulate. Try introducing pheromones, drugs and other substances.
2) Memory test. Place down fodder at regular times and always in the same spot. Do your Human pets understand and get out in time for meals? Human pets have good memory when it comes to basic needs.
3) Human pets have no self restraint so if you gradually change their daily doses you can manipulate their size. Observe them grow or decrease in size.
4) Human pets have a strong capacity of uniting in face of danger. Introduce a Razor Denti or similar creatures that you can find at your nearest Human Pet Provider. Watch them fend for themselves. Caution! If there is not enough shelters a Razor Denti can seriously decimate your Human pet population.
5) Human pets have minimal intelligence that can be slightly improved with exercises. Give them a simple task, hide their food and let them search for it. Hang their food from the ceiling and see if they can cooperate to reach it. To make sure that they try their best let them starve for a few days in advance.
Note: For more exciting and fun experiments. Please read the popular 500 things to do with your Human pet by HPC’s founder Bouo Tzi.
Common misconceptions
We are a curious and emphatic people and we often see our self in others. This is usually to our benefit but sometimes our imagination runs wild. This has lead to a string of misconceptions about Human pets.
It has been suggested that the structures that the Human pets inhabit in wild are signs of civilization. However remember that these structures are no more complex then the hives of the Cochobird.
There are some that have the misguided belief that Human pets are harmed by captivity and that we should leave them be. But then again what is their purpose if not for our enjoinment?
The popular story, the Grochnaicha incident is an urban myth. Anyone with some sense understands that Human pets can never somehow rise up and become a threat to us.
There are no Human pet parts in perfume. This is an illogical myth. Their smell is not appealing.
Science fiction stories about Human pets developing a higher form of consciousness and technology are if not impossible, improbable. They have no tentacles, a mile stone in evolution.
Frequently Asked Questions
My Human pet is aggressive. What should I do?
Don’t be too hasty. Human pets solve conflicts through violence. Wait ½ persip. If you’re Human pet doesn’t calm down use a bag net and put it in quarantine. If this doesn’t help you can try to introduce sedatives to its drinking water. This will temporary solve the problem. Keep your Human pet in quarantine and under observation for at least 12 seriths. If nothing changes please contact your Human Pet Provider.
Help, my Human pet has stopped eating!
Try to change its diet. It might also be a sign of sickness. If it doesn’t get better in a few days – contact a vet.
Yesterday I had 5 Human pet infants. Today I only have 2. What happened?
Do you have a Three Horned Tenti in your vivarium? Look for small white bones in dark places. Build more shelters for your Human pet.
My Human pets are building something and I don’t know what it is.
Destroy it quickly.
My Human pets have escaped from the vivarium.
Buy Human pet traps. It is important to catch stray Human pets before they hurt themselves or escapes into nature. They spread like wild fire.
Do Human pets dream?
Does a Cochobird have a sense of humor? Does a small Boncccobu know how long a year is? Science cannot answer these kinds of questions. Maybe one day there will be a device that tells us what animals are thinking.
One of my Human pets makes strange symbols in the soil.
This doesn’t mean anything. You can ignore it.
My Human pets always scatter and hide when I come near the vivarium.
This could be because they fear you. Give them treats so they will become more familiar with you and soon they will stop hiding from you.
My Human pet is not moving.
Wait 2 seriths, it might be asleep. If it doesn’t wake up poke it with a padded poking rod. If it starts moving catch it with a bag net or grabber and put it in quarantine in case of disease. You don’t want to endanger your whole Human pet population. Try diagnosing and treating the disease if it doesn’t get better by itself.
If you poke it and it doesn’t move, we’re sorry, it’s probably dead.
Note: If your warranty is still valid. Please contact your Human Pet Provider for a new specimen.
For more advanced troubleshooting please buy The Complete Human Pet Troubleshooting Guide. This is only a limited selection of the problems that can arise.
Finally, we encourage you to speak with experienced owners or your local Human pet provider. Expect to dedicate a lot of time and energy to properly take care of your Human pets. There simply are no shortcuts. If you want easy, we suggest getting a Morsh fish.