Going Bananas
Lady Baji has no secrets. She rips off her clothes and runs outside into the woods shouting loudly, ‘I have no fear.’ Well, that’s what we call courage; courage in its pure form, and the woods just can’t resist being in love with that kind of courage. Meanwhile Durrani Sahab is playing with his toy in the garage of Haseena.
Durrani Sahab is in love. His first and last love has been the same since ages. He likes no alterations, cause his love alters when it alteration finds. How pathetically convenient is that! He plays with his toy and hums, ‘Hit hai bhai! Hit hai!’ And it’s not just that, he’s also giving lessons to all the ladies in the vicinity, which revolves around the point of maximum pleasure. Yes, he is some cool guy. Even the woods are literally begging him to give some juicy lessons.
Haseena gets jealous whenever Durrani Sahab diverts his attention towards the woods and the ladies. She’s disgusted by her jealousy. One day, she decides to leave Durrani Sahab and makes love with the woods. The woods go ‘crazily romantica’. That experience is beyond any human’s naughty imagination. So, use all your imagination. It can help you a little maybe. The woods know that Haseena is no ordinary being, so they have elated her to the level of a duchess, that is, no ordinary duchess but the Duchess of the Woodland where Haseena walks over the ass of Lady Baji all the time. And Durrani Sahab has been forgotten; he is no longer the ‘Hit’ lover boy. He has been locked in a cage with the Dragon Eye that sets fire at Durrani Sahab’s lethal weapon day and night.
Alisha is utterly bored of this entire episode of Haseena and Durrani Sahab. She believes sex is somehow being exploited, but she wants to sound all ‘shareef’ (naïve) as is the norm to pretend. So, she goes on shouting at the top of her voice that “life is all about good fuck and cooking, better not waste your time on bitching. Before censor board comes in the picture, discover cute toys and wicked joys and let everyone rejoice. This will certainly help in dispelling some of the myths.”
The bad news is that Lady Baji is speaking against Durrani Sahab to win over Haseena on her side.
Oh cut the crap! What the fuck is happening here? The seductive conspiracies will kill quite a few. Who could escape this thunderous side? None other than Baqar Bihari, who is sexy and chic, but above all this, he is an artist. I’m sure you must have heard about ‘artist log’. However, he doesn’t brag about being unique. Instead he preaches about love and peace. He has a group of followers that wear leaves and run around the world in forty-five days. This peaceful journey is watched by the entire world.
Nagura, however, loves to see everything in its purest form, so he sends his army of goats after Baqar Bihari’s followers. When this gang completes the peaceful march…the world is at peace, all naked and pure with no pretensions. Yeah, the goats also look pretty content.
At the moment, Lady Baji is thinking and picking her nose quite ferociously. She finds Nagura awfully sexy and she’s looking forward to a sexy evening with him. However, that evening turns out to be nothing short of a nightmare. The rumor goes that Nagura is a suction pump and he’s proud to be that. Unsurprisingly, Lady Baji is telling herself, ‘Nothing is final. Trust your analysis! And find your reasons for it…if there isn’t any, invent one.’ To the best of my knowledge, I think she’s still sobbing.
Baqar Bihari, however, is the best analyst around. He can sense the sensitivity of this sensuous situation. He knows the gravity of the situation and he, of all people, cannot see any woman upset-especially not for a man. He becomes Lady Baji’s confidant and puts some sense into her empty head. It is he who makes her believe that she is the dream girl of every dream girl. Lady Baji has no more tears now. She kisses Baqar Bihari and promises him a sexy night the day she’ll meet her dream girl. Thus, Lady Baji has left the sultry Woodland and is off to Lamataba – the hill of beauties.
Baqar Bihari is all happy to show Lady Baji a ray of hope and a new beginning. However, he also knows that Lady Baji’s dream will never come true, because he is Nagura’s favorite concubine. The two lovers, Nagura and Baqar both know that the truth would certainly kill Lady Baji, so they plan to send her off to Lamataba. Not surprisingly, Baqar and Nagura turn out to be two sexy gentlemen who really understand all that a woman can feel or want. That night is stormy; the woods stay widely awake for they are enjoying every moment of Baqar and Nagura’s passionate lovemaking. It is a lovely sight. The woods sing the love song of every innocent heart, which ultimately becomes a smashing hit.
Lamataba is indeed a beautiful valley, but it’s plagued with hypocrisy and all the ugly germs that eat away humanity. Naturally in that sort of place, you can’t find what you’re searching for. Lady Baji is absolutely disappointed, cause people in this part of the world say one thing and practice quite another. They play false 24/7. Yeah, that’s how cool they are. Of course, it’s nothing salacious or remotely criminal but it hurts, terribly. Alright. Now is the time to make a list of things that hurt and that too terribly…just for the heck of it. Moreover, Lady Baji couldn’t find any spot whatsoever, but she meets a very queer creature Ms. Darbie Sha. Oh no she’s not a replica of any doll you’ve seen in your childhood.
Darbie Sha is what you all know, but pretend that you don’t know at all. Now that’s bad. Anyway, she’s in love with her satin sheet. Every morning she tells it, ‘Charmed to meet you baby.’ Actually she prefers pouring her ideas into the heads of idiots. You know there are so many times we don’t remember what’s missing in our lives, but someone is always there to remind us of it. Yeah, she’s one of those…and Lady Baji is literally reduced to dirt when she befriends her.
Since Lady Baji has no thinking of her own, she very conveniently becomes a big time slave of Darbie Sha. And this particular slave is a lot more different from the slave you met in the first paragraph. She has lost her charm. Now she cannot own up to anything. She lives with fear. So forget about ever getting inspired. She won’t be seen running stark naked in your backyard…at least not in the near future. That much I can tell you for sure. The rest is your luck, if you strongly believe in the impossible.
Lady Baji is so lost, she doesn’t even have a clue that her brain’s dying a slow death. She is hideously clueless of her state and that too is no longer a pitiable sight. There are two kinds of people – one who are aware of who they are and others who are aware of who others are. Lady Baji is neither of the two. Living in this world will not be an easy task for her. ‘This is no drama…Let me tell you that.’ Lady Baji, whenever she’s going to discover herself will see the worst of the ugliness around her…for truth is often treated as crap here.
While Lady Baji was pondering over nothing one day, the Goodie Angela came to meet her. Goodie Angela has a perpetual grin on her face. She told her beautiful tales of how dream girls unite in Lamataba. There is a rock behind the purple lake where dreams come true every Monday. Goodie Angela gave Lady Baji a reason to dance naked once again after such a long time. Lady Baji was happy and hopeful once again. She was all set to visit the lucky rock on the coming Monday.
Two days later, she had an uninvited visitor, Badie Angela, who is apparently the twin sister of Goodie Angela. Unlike her sister, Badie Angela has a perpetual frown. She forewarned Lady Baji not to be fooled by the lovely words of Goodie Angela for she is a bloody liar and a merciless killer who comes up with unusually creative and obnoxious ideas when it comes to shedding blood, that is, killing. Goodie Angela kills two lovers every Monday night near the purple lake. Sometimes she kills in the morning too, if she’s in the mood. In short, Goodie Angela is the serial killer of dream girls in Lamataba. She cannot be trusted.
Lady Baji is shocked beyond doubt. She knows she can’t trust anyone here – no one but herself and as you know, she can’t even confess that to herself. So she sends one long scary mail to Alisha pleading her to come to Lamataba immediately as she needs her help. Moreover, what the Badie Angela has said about the killings on every Monday is very true. Lady Baji has verified through a reliable source, of course, by asking a couple of stupid and obvious questions. Very smart folks also have a tendency of asking stupid and obvious questions. I mean those who are trying to act smart or whatever. No wonder truth is raped everyday, thanks to everyone.
On the other hand, Darbie Sha could smell something is going on inside the filthy mind of Lady Baji and she doesn’t like thinking people. After all, momentary pleasure doesn’t mean much to such folks. Though Lady Baji is a gone case, but still Darbie Sha plans to kill the very root of mind-boggling thoughts. She confronts Lady Baji and throws a very filmy question, ‘How dare you refuse to repent of your sins? Badie Angela is showing you the right path and yet you obstinately follow in the footsteps of ghoulish beings. You miserable whore! You only live for fleshly desires…always fantasizing about sex and never missing a chance of dancing naked.’ While Darbie Sha is lecturing, Lady Baji has a weird kind of fit. She starts dancing on the head…of course all naked and after five minutes she faints. The two security hawks of Lamataba arrive at this scene of nudity within a fraction of second; they drop piles of shit on Lady Baji and she’s fully cladded now.
It’s raining in the Woodland and just like any sane couple, Alisha and Tashah, are having the most of it. It’s actually the summer of 69. Everything is cool till Alisha reads the dreadful mail and then she panics. Oh when she panics, she yanks out her hair. She really wants to rescue her bosom buddy from the clutches of Darbie Sha and Angela sisters, but she is utterly clueless as to how she should go about it. Though Alisha knows how to move her ass, but the problem is she is not smart in the real sense of the word.
Haseena as usual is breaking hearts. Durrani Sahab has escaped from the inhuman jail where he had been humiliated beyond any repair. In the great escape he had dugged the tunnel by using his toy. However, Guru Laadla of Zafana is working on this notorious weapon, which is indeed mutilated very badly, but Guru jee has a track record of doing wonders with his hands.
Guru Laadla has advised Durrani Sahab to take a break, as the toy trauma has left him all shaken up. The best thing to do is to go to a beautiful yet peaceful area where Durrani Sahab can recover from his haunting past. So, Durrani Sahab packs his bag and catches the first flight to Herbistan – the land of herbs and exotic natural beauty. Durrani Sahab is at ease. He has found the lost peace. The interesting part is how he heals his toy himself.
Since Herbistan is filled with the herbs of valuable scientific importance, Durrani Sahab doesn’t have much of a hassle in getting his toy upright once again. Earlier on, it always itched and it was painful. The moment it itched, Durrani Sahab halted at that spot and started rubbing the raw herbs over his toy. It seemed he was enjoying this healing therapy more than anything. A few days passed and Durrani Sahab is no longer a stranger in Herbistan. Everybody knows him as the ‘Great Organ Healer’. Both men and women consider him no less than a healing god. Durrani Sahab becomes famous and rich. Women love his gently soft hands while men adore his toy for obvious reasons. There is no way Durrani Sahab could leave this paradise in this life…not till the hand of death grabs him.
There the Duchess of Woodland, Haseena, got the news of Durrani Sahab’s ever increasing power and position. She wants him even more brutally than ever. A man is wealthy and popular, yet his toy is not Haseena’s possession. This is not on baby! Durrani Sahab get ready for the real game!
Alisha and Tasha are all too aware of Haseena’s vicious plan to get the notoriously famous toy. Things are not so okay in the Woodland. Haseena, the Duchess is going insane without the toy. While Lady Baji is trapped and lost in Lamataba. Alisha and Tasha decide to take the step once and for all. They will bring peace with their love and kill all evil ideas. The moment they decide this…there is a pause…then everything rocks. Alisha and Tasha are all satisfied after fifteen very active minutes. The next day, they leave their home town to help Lady Baji.
The journey is long, but romantic for the lovers. They reach an incredibly amazing river with green mountains behind. They couldn’t help themselves. They gaze at each other and wham the next minute they are making love…wildly and savagely. The feeling is awfully crazy. Moreover, Alisha is making too much of noise. When they are done, they have a vague feeling that somebody is watching them, but the lovers carry on their journey towards Lamataba.
They stop at a tea shop where the crowd is enjoying a movie. Alisha and Tasha are literally struck by a mental lightening. The crowd is watching their intimate moments near the river. There it dawns on the silly lovers that they are standing in Cameristania – the town of cameras. Nothing’s hidden in this town for the cameras are always on. So, lovers and foes watch every move for I can see your sweaty ass all the time. It’s good to have fun, but better still to have it at the right time and the right place. The right person…doesn’t matter. And on second thought, even the right time can be any time.
Sometimes I wonder why do they call it Cameristania. I guess Jailistania would be a more apt name for this suffocating and horrid place. You’re constantly being watched and followed. Nobody is your friend. They are all spies of Masternee. She is desperately trying hard to copy each and every move of Big Brother, but the strange thing is that she has never read 1984. Her advisors and spies poison her ears against anyone who seem to be a dire threat to their positions. These positions aren’t sexy, so I won’t go into innumerable details. To put it mildly, hatching plots against someone seems to be a favorite pastime. Wickedness rules over everything. They want Cameristania to stay filthy and sordid forever.
Masternee and her fatty lover Mr. Constipated Balloon have successfully managed to invade the privacy of individuals. Right now they’re devising plans to have ruthless control over the souls too. By the way, you’re penalized in Cameristania, if you don’t call out anyone’s name with respect, did I tell you that? You must always say the name and not just that, you must add Mr. or Miss as is the case. That way you’re respectful, so to speak. You’re prohibited to utter anything like he/she, him/her etc. etc. or else Masternee will eat you alive. Restrictions, restrictions and restrictions…so much of it that it gives me headache.
For your kind information, do not even think about going beyond conventional lovemaking. You can’t even breathe in this atmosphere without the permission of Masternee and Constipated Balloon. The inside news is…whenever Masternee and Constipated Balloon fuck shuck, it’s followed by a massive earthquake. They play with whips and chains. It’s all about pain, suffering and a trip to heaven.
In the book, ‘Waiting for the Calamity’ by Muntazir, it’s written in very clear words that for many years, people of Cameristania waited and waited in vain. When the town was hit by the tsunami for the first time, they all came out to help and donated as much money and stuff as they can. Later on, they go around hurting people with their words and deeds as usual.
Alisha’s world is gone upside down ever since she has seen that video. The oppressed and shameless inhabitants have asked her point-blank to commit suicide as she’s a fallen woman. According to them, she has been disgraced in the eyes of people. A man can get away with it, but not a woman, cause there is no such concept as a fallen man. In fact, she should be punished. Such is the custom.
All the while, Tasha has been very supportive and he doesn’t loose his cool. Since Tasha and Alisha have been trapped in this squalid dungeon, so he sends a letter to Durrani Sahab via a pigeon in which he asks for help and also informs Durrani Sahab about the impending danger, that is, whenever Haseena turns green, she leaves no stone unturned. She had spared Durrani Sahab once, but now she’s all set to destroy the object of her misery. Such is the effect of jealousy on her.
Alisha has made a simple vow. Once she gets out of this mess, she’ll have some fun in the sea. It’s such a gorgeous feeling. Playing kissy-face is something she can’t abandon…though she’s definitely going to give a sermon ‘Anything and everything beneath the sheets’ in her home town.
Meanwhile Darbie Sha has made Lady Baji more miserable than ever. It’s gone down to physical abuse, which the whole of Lamataba is witnessing and yet people prefer to stay mum about it. Every morning with the lovely sunrise begins the tormenting abuse. Darbie Sha has made a dance floor all filled with the shit of pigs and there Lady Baji has to dance and sing songs all day praising the calculatingly ruthless Darbie Sha. The accolade is a must. What an unexciting disco it is! Lady Baji sings one number after the other praising Darbie Sha endlessly.
Darbie Sha loves her praise and enjoys the jalwa in her, while Lady Baji repents coming to Lamataba. Her life is no less than a meaningless shit. Though she exists but in reality, she is dead. She has realized her mistakes. Her greed for pleasure that brought her to this land of liars was her biggest fault. Nevertheless, she does not understand why her miseries don’t see an end. Why are miseries multiplying by the minute? What has she done to deserve all this? Why this unfair destiny of hers doesn’t change its route even after she has realized her flaws? Why devilish souls like Darbie Sha have it all when they have black hearts and despicable minds? Life is unfair. It is unfair till the time’s wrong. When the time passes, life changes and as life alters, so does one’s destiny. That’s the way it is. There’s a time for everything. Some don’t suffer at all and some too much…but only till the allocated time. After that…we see how the picture changes. Isn’t it amazing we change…our perceptions change…what remains is a haunting memory that you can discard, if you have the will and you’ve learnt the lesson as well!
Durrani Sahab got the very crucial message of Tasha. He is shocked to hear the news. Moreover, he expected Haseena to behave that way. Once a bitch, always a bitch – that’s Haseena. We keep forgetting that a person who had shown you his ugly self once will do so again, if we give him the chance. Anyhow, Durrani Sahab is not going to take Haseena’s shit anymore. There’s a limit to everything and Haseena has, by all means, crossed that limit long time ago.
Durrani Sahab knows how Tasha and Alisha can leave Cameristania. There’s only one way to escape from that town of spies where privacy has no place. All Tasha and Alisha need to do is to find the Legarzi Rose and eat its petals. That’s the only way out of Cameristania. This message is sent to Tasha through the pigeon.
Alisha has a slight idea as to where this Legarzi Roze is. It’s in the flower bed near the sacred stream. So as soon as they read the message, they rush towards the sacred stream. Alisha is desperate to leave Cameristania. In her search, she goes ballistic. She starts pulling out the grass and then the sand. On top of this, she’s repeating these words, ‘Legarzi Rose kay liye main iss hadd tak ja sakti hoon.’ ( I could go to this extent for Legarzi Rose.) As she’s engrossed in her search, she finds shit, coal, diamonds, oil and gold coins, but Alisha damn cares and she keeps saying, ‘Jee haan Legarzi Rose kay liye iss hadd tak bhi ja sakti hoon.’(Yes I could even go to this extent for Legarzi Rose.) Some of us never value freedom for we don’t know what it feels like to be free. But like many other things, once we lose freedom we come to know how significant it is.
However, Tasha discovers the Legarzi Rose and both the lovers desperately eat its petals. The next minute, they turn invisible. So they leave Cameristania without any fear and reach Herbistan where Durrani Sahab gives them the herbs to become visible again. At least one problem is tackled because of Durrani Sahab’s help.
It’s true this world has become ugly, way too ugly, because humans have become ugly from within. But the only reason why the world’s not yet wiped off completely despite all the odds is that little goodness still left amongst the few good humans. And this ray of hope is more than enough.
Durrani Sahab arranges a meeting with two gentlemen, Shams and Fakhru, who used to live in Lamataba few years ago, but have shifted to Herbistan owing to a variety of reasons. Anyway, one of them is the cousin of Darbie Sha. Shams knows his cousin very well and so he gives a million dollar tip. Darbie Sha speaks only one language and that is the language of money. Her world revolves around money. It also revolves around sex, but she’s kind of discreet about it. The freedom of Lady Baji can be bought. It’s more about naming the right price.
Back in Lamataba, poor Lady Baji is thinking about good old days and how she used to take everything for granted. She’s also upset that even Alisha has let her down. Maybe she’s expecting too much of her. While Lady Baji is lost in her thoughts, Darbie Sha comes in the room and starts whipping the poor soul. And that’s not enough. She’s also yelling, ‘How dare you think in my house? What the hell are you thinking? You don’t have the luxury to ponder over here dumbo. This ain’t any philosophy class. You’re just a lousy attention seeker. If you want to eat bread in my house, you live by my rules. Understand!’
It’s quite easy to yell at someone, if you have the power over him. The oppressors say whatever they feel like and the powerless victims don’t even protest. Perhaps we are all born with customized whips – our tongues and when we have the chance to oppress someone weaker than us, we use them so well and so shamelessly.