FIVE SECOND FICTION
Volume Three
by Al Bruno III
rev 1.0
Copyright Al Bruno III 2011
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FIVE SECOND FICTION
Totally Twitterable Tales
by
Al Bruno III
Volume Three
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and One
In a world where people Twittered while eating and driving, trapeze artists suddenly seemed passe.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Two
It was the first multiple monster brain transplant, then Professor Lindquist realized they had a brain left over.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Three
Erato disabled the bank robbers with blasts of mystical energy and the occasional kick to the groin.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Four
Lorelei stared at the yellowed photograph. “Jason...” she said with dawning horror. “You had a PERM?”
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Five
Reading through the memo filled him with the same kind of dread he felt watching a pregnant woman rollerblade.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Six
Karl worked up the nerve to go to a nudist colony- sadly it was during Enormous Goiter Acceptance Week.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seven
Psychotic Kid learned that dramatically crashing through windows and bulletproof glass did not mix.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eight
The difference between telemarketers and serial killers is that not everyone thinks serial killers deserve the death penalty.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Nine
The minute his date's Mom said he was the nicest boy she had ever brought home he knew he was done for.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ten
Every kindergärtner makes a flower pot from a soup can, glue and uncooked pasta. Not every student gets it stuck to his hair.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eleven
Once Karl was at the brothel he made love to Hope and Faith- they had no Mercy.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twelve
Bad enough Captain Hero had been captured by Nefario worse yet he was saved by the smug and invulnerable Commander Infinity.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirteen
It was to be a mystical duel of the deadliest, most arcane kind, of all the time for Lorelei to get a zit on her nose
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fourteen
The dog had gas, the cat had hairballs and the parrot was molting- the hamster ran from home the first chance he got.
5 Second Fiction four Hundred and Fifteen
Finally at his wits end the Lord God made Richard Dawkins the messiah and let the chips fall where they may.
5 Second Fiction four Hundred and Sixteen
Rusty Johnson was able to save Captain Hero's poodle from the brink of death by making it bionic. It was too late for the goldfish.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventeen
Time travelers frequently stopped in the early 21st century to place bets on the fights that broke out at town hall meetings.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighteen
The rift between our world and the Pornoverse widened, slowly... sensually... yeah... just the way you like it.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Nineteen
It was a fantastic morning, the sun shone, the birds sang- then she went to work and ruined it.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty
She always thought of herself as resilient, a veritable stress sponge. But now she just felt wrung out.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty One
Zeth thought that was the last of the shapeless demons but he had another Thing coming.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Two
Her beasts heaving the dyslexic erotica writer gently stroked her lover's pens.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Three
There may be no atheists in foxholes but there are a surprising number of D&D players on base.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Four
The woman that worked at the bank found being an informant easy, after all she was already a teller.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Five
The only difference between goth chicks and hippie chicks is in the way they redecorate your place after they move in.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Six
Management pulled all but three employees off the floor so they could have a meeting about the improving customer service.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Seven
It doesn't matter what the subject of that day's group therapy for monsters will be, it will always end with the vampires crying.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Eight
Psychotic Kid always wanted an animal sidekick but Snappy the Box Turtle of Justice was more trouble than he was worth.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Twenty Nine
“I thought you were joking!” she cried.
He stood there naked save for flippers and KY jelly trying to think of something to say.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty
George was a mechanic and every time a customer tried to imitate the sound their car was making he died a little more inside.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty One
The only place more dreaded than the Garden of Torture and the Pit of Terror was the Foyer of 1,000 Screams.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Two
Corporates' new 'Problem Ownership' policy made it easy for everyone to blame the new guy in IT for everything.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Three
And 9 months later she gave birth to a bouncing baby boy, that's what they got for having sex on a trampoline.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Four
“I've lived with ghosts and I've lived with cats,” Magwier explained, “and I don't like either watching me on the toilet.”
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Five
Each time he hit the snooze alarm he was sent to a new and bizarre parallel world but in each of them he was still late for work.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Six
Captain Hero worked hard at rehabilitating Doomsday Girl, sometimes until it chafed.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Seven
In the cruelest of ironies Hell's only radio station only plays nothing but 'Stairway to Heaven' 24 hours a day.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Eight
Today would be the last chance for her to throw her arms around him and confess her love, sadly he had chosen to be cremated.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Thirty Nine
The laziest zombies learned to follow retirees as they drove to the Golden Corral or the farmer's market.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty
Agent Krump captured a serial killer with a fetish for elaborate deathtraps by watching the hardware stores with the best prices.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty One
Captain Hero explained to Novablaze he didn't have anything against fire based powers but the team just didn't have the insurance.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Two
It wasn't easy for Agent Krump to justify spending $4000 at a strip club on his expense account but that was the challenge of it.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Three
Leo's wife didn't understand him, mostly because he refused to speak anything but Klingon these days.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Four
Brad's parents didn't realize they had put their son on the bus for ballet camp instead of Boy Scouts. It was the best summer ever.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Five
There are a thousand ways to say you're leaving for good this time, but each sounds like something breaking.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Six
In the future everyone will have a blog they update in real time, no one will ever have free time to read any of it.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Seven
No one thought of Jason as technically-minded but he really was on the cutting edge of upskirt technology.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Eight
They raised the prices on the snack machine as downsizings neared, it was binge and purge on a corporate scale.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Forty Nine
Hrothgar the Viking never thought of himself as much of a superhero, the supervillains he stabbed felt likewise.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty
Orphaned, raised by a family of Bonobos and then orphaned again, Nature Boy had issues with boundaries, hygiene and abandonment.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty One
Like every mad scientist he started out in childhood with an Etch-A-Sketch, an EZ-Bake Oven and a thirst for revenge.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Two
She understood that the secret to a happy marriage was humor, understanding and occasional use of a strap on sexual device.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Three
If nothing else putting Darrin Puffnstuff in charge of the HR Department did raise morale.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Four
For his 1st adventure Mr. Xtreme tried to arrest a biker gang for double parking, there was no 2nd adventure.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Five
Nature Boy's only power was the the ability to find convenient vines to swing from, even on the subway. It was uncanny.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Six
Once he saw the truth he had to look away.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Seven
“Cthulhoid breast implants? That explains it! No man can resist the Mounds of Tinados.”
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Eight
In the end cats saved the world, and they were pretty damn smug about it too.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Fifty Nine
Once the zombies reached Margaritaville he truly became a Jimmy Buffet.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty
The rivalry between genetic research teams escalated into a battle between armies of hairless mammoths and singing landsquids.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty One
Lord Wells challenged several rivals, scheduling all the duels for the same day and escaped in the chaos of swordplay and gunfire.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Two
“Christians smell like incense, worshipers of eldrich gods smell like musty tomes and Satanists smell like Astroglide.”
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Three
It wasn't until he was having sex with a beehive that Hui realized the 7 Challenges of Death were just a way to screw with newbies.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Four
The warrior, the magic user and the thief abandoned exploring dungeons in favor of an elaborate Ponzi scheme.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Five
Karl finally understood why some condoms were for enhanced sensitivity when she started pointing and laughing
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Six
The juice box fight quickly got out of hand and the entire server system went down in a shower of sparks and lemon-mango.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Seven
On the way home to his wife he took a Viagra then got stuck in traffic for two hours. Thank God for tinted windows.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Eight
A bizarre scheduling error resulted in GWAR playing at the late senator's funeral.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Sixty Nine
There were tiny bells on the silver anklet she wore; they jangled wildly as she ran for her life.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy
It was a banner day when Dave's therapist declared him to be less bi-polar than his job.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy One
The magical kingdom was plagued by wandering monsters- real estate was that expensive.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Two
He was a maverick, unafraid to bend the rules or take chances, not a good thing when you run a daycare for hemophiliac children.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Three
Karl kept his pornography alphabetized and cross indexed by fetish because even being anal-retentive turned him on.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Four
The new supervillain in town was named 'Skidmarks' and Captain Hero prayed that it was because he had super speed
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Five
Actually no one was surprised when it was discovered the Quality Control Department misspelled their name on their stationary.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Six
In his confusion Grandpa Jones tucked his shirt into his boxers that day, all the kids thought he had gone gangsta.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Seven
Magwier said, “Avoid your past self, it never changes anything and you'll think you're going to turn into a know it all.”
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Eight
It was not the sound of the rats in the walls that drove him mad, it was the bagpiper in the toaster oven.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Seventy Nine
The Cheerleaders of the Wasteland fought the rabbit men until all they saw was a receding hare line.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty
Scientists created a device that gave orgasms based on Twitter popularity. Sadly no one Re-Tweeted the news.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty One
The MPAA created a new film rating called "May Cause Insanity In Young Viewers" but people brought their kids anyway.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Two
Once Jason Magwier discovered they were going to try and kill Audra with an explosive welcome mat he knew he better step on it.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Three
Whenever time machines collide everyone in the world gets déjà vu, just not at once.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Four
Sure jetpacks are all fun and games until someone accidentally burns the flesh from their ankles.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Five
The house was sleek and modern until she stepped into the basement and found herself in the Rec Room That Time Forgot.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Six
Ironically enough the supervillain Sharkface was captured using a bait car.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Seven
The Cinemax After Dark reboot of 'Gilligan's Island' was a surprise hit.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Eight
Ironically enough the Devil couldn't stand Death Metal.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Eighty Nine
“The demon promised to bring back grandma if I gave up my fiancée,” Captain Hero said. “It was the stupidest thing I ever heard.”
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety
“There is no logical way to make this argument,” Zeth said. “We'd better get a woman to do it.”
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety One
Then the elevator Karl and the supermodels were trapped began to fill with K-Y jelly. When the alarm clock went off he smashed it.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Two
Brad's wife warned him she was going to try and kill him in a few moments but he never paid attention to anything she had to say.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Three
You can visit the Erotic Dental Institute but you damn well better rinse throughly afterwards.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Four
The office had catered meals all week – no one in management ate, they just eyed the plumper employees and licked their lips.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Five
Amazing Ed insisted that his invisible and intangible sidekick was not imaginary.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Six
She was very concerned about sin – everyone else's' anyway.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Seven
The clown car skidded into oncoming traffic; torn metal, broken glass and rubber noses littered the highway.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Eight
Todd went to college hoping to major in bacchanalia but he couldn't even manage a minor in epicureanism.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred and Ninety Nine
Marriages shouldn't be loveless affairs organized by strangers- but all the best bachelor parties are.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred
“In the end love makes monsters of us all.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and One
The thumbless serial killer and the skull-faced woman had more in common than they thought.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Two
There were songs he liked to make love to and songs he liked to drive to, none were longer than 5 minutes.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Three
"The spark of divinity is not so far removed from the flame of madness and most will never understand the difference."
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Four
The thing Captain Hero and his team dreaded the most about alien zombie invasions was the post-crisis cleanup.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Five
Going from villainess to heroine was not easy but Doomsday Girl loved not having to worry about escape routes and master plans.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Six
"That's the problem with sci-fi," Magwier said, "It tells us otherworldly beings will either be kind or cruel- the truth is worse."
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seven
Lorelei grinned, "Mother said that heartbreak was the anvil that forged our souls- not the 'Facts of Life' talk I expected."
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eight
Psychics revealed that the humidifier was haunted but Gary didn't mind, his sinuses had never felt better
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Nine
The flavor packets included with most brands of instant noodles are in fact mummy dust, the reason this is done is unfathomable.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ten
Discovering that humanity was created as part of a cosmic open mic night did not drive her mad, learning the punchline did.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eleven
All during puberty his family kept the catbox in the bathroom, that's why the sent of kitty litter still gave him an erection
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twelve
Rusty Johnson held the truck full of itching powder over his head knowing that things were going to get real ugly real fast.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirteen
To punish Brian for his strip club addiction he was sentenced to the 'death of a thousand lap dances'. He was pretty OK with that.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fourteen
Many time traveling conspiracy theorists died trying to prove President Taft sank the Titanic to hide his birth certificate.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifteen
Karl entered politics dreaming of having the only presidential library with an extensive collection of cake farting videos.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixteen
Scientists learned to harness the power created by elderly people trying to use their computers and the energy crisis was solved.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventeen
Like all highly trained ninjas Psychotic Kid had to make sure never to pick his nose with his 'finger of death'.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighteen
Trapped on a ship full of creepy children and alien warlords Amazing Ed vowed to survive and sell the movie rights to his story.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Nineteen
Commander Infinity could crush lumps of coal into diamonds, but he wouldn't because it was tantamount to socialism.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty
In the end the Cheerleaders of the Wasteland decided the new girl's perkiness more than made up for her horrifying mutations.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty One
In 2012 the Mayans revealed the whole calendar thing was just a plot to plague the world with bad movies.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Two
Like many paranoids with delusions of godhood she had a natural proclivity for blogging and talk radio.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Three
The Cyclops Brothers Detective Agency always kept an eye out for crime.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Four
It always pained him that he was so scrawny he was always picked last, at least until the day the cannibals attacked.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Five
The manager was short-staffed but his wife loved him anyway.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Six
Captain Eagle of the Space Patrol was captured and brought to the torture planet of Agon-Y.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Seven
There is a social networking site for Colonoscopy Addicts- it isn't exactly called 'Facebook'.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Eight
Chuck's secret for staying thin was what he called 'nature's candy' but what everyone else referred to as 'his own boogers'.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Twenty Nine
Lots of employees have sex on the boss's desk but Gary and Melanie should have waited for him to go home first
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty
Schrödinger's Tube allowed you to view videos of things that might have happened.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty One
The challenge of being a serial killer working in tech support was tricking the callers into killing their pets.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Two
'Deathcloud' the ninja had turned his irritable bowel syndrome into a calling card of sorts.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Three
And his final words were, “I was wrong... you don't look fat in those jeans.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Four
When the Local Heroes fought the Carnival of Doom the battles were in tents.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Six
Once he had dreamed women every night, now he only dreamed of donuts, his libido had taken a powder.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Seven
When fossil fuels ran out NASCAR tried to replace cars with lamas but it wasn't the same and the pits stops were disgusting.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Eight
Tara's hopes for Barbados were dashed when the she saw the guests for the Fat Guys In Speedos convention begin to arrive.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Thirty Nine
Once again he failed to become an Internet sensation, another tale of heartbreak on the boulevard of broken memes.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty
"Faith can change the world," Jason Magwier explained, "that's the terrifying thing about it."
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty One
When he learned that she too had a love of auto-erotic asphyxiation he was almost too choked up to speak.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Two
In his dream Sasha Grey was a guest on the Muppet Show. It brought new meaning to the term Gonzo Performance.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Three
Since the only way to advance in the Council of Mystagogues was either via thesis or assassination- it was publish or perish.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Four
Like most vampires he wove a web of schemes and sycophants, surprisingly iPhone had an app to help him keep track of them all.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Five
“Only good looking rich dudes are sex addicts, the rest of us are just fat guys with too much porn.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Six
Most workplaces banned the use of time machines to keep employees from extending their 15 minute breaks by years.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Seven
Scarlet Squid was a famous big city superhero, but years of watching anime had left Psychotic Kid with no instinct but to attack.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Eight
Once people with cancer sued cigarette companies it was only logical that long time virgins would sue the makers of Star Trek.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Forty Nine
Once Geppetto bought a laptop and router Pinocchio could finally go wireless.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty
Brian had a gym membership and a World of Warcraft account but used both a little too infrequently.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty One
“Now I will teach you the meaning of the word fear.” he said as slowly paged through the dictionary.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Two
Many in Space Patrol feared the aliens that burst from your chest but Captain Eagle had seen the ones that burst from your urethra.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Three
CGI dinosaurs and robots battled on the screen until finally someone shouted “What is the fucking plot of this thing?”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Four
Brad's parents sent him to a private school in hopes of keeping him virtuous, they didn't know about his schoolgirl outfit fetish.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Five
After the first bear attack Jim thought he was just unlucky, by the third he realized he must be delicious.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Six
He wasn't the first mad scientist to invent a shrinking ray, he was to create one that specifically targeted NFL players' junk.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Seven
“I am glad Doomsday Girl and Captain Hero are in love,” Fuego said, “But these pet names they call each other must be stopped.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Eight
They found him on the roadside reeking of industrial bug spray and douche. He described his day as a 'misadventure'.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Fifty Nine
He came home to furniture covered with dog hair, which was odd because he owned a goldfish.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty
Like all great adventures Matt and Brian's cross country trip began with a need for adventure and a desire to escape creditors.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty One
For the first few hours of the road trip they listened to a book on CD, only to realize it had been on shuffle play.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Two
They took turns, one would drive while the other updated Facebook; every few hours they switched.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Three
For their cross country trip they set a leisurely place, stopping out of the way places, then they gave up and bought a map.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Four
They might have been able to pay for car repairs if they hadn’t come across that strip club with a buffet and an ATM machine.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Five
Stranded in a strange town they earned cash to pay for car repairs with manual labor and the occasional bit of street theater.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Six
Once Matt and Brian got thrown out of three Waffle Houses in three days they made it part of their daily itinerary.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Seven
It was in North Carolina that they found themselves embroiled in a feud between beekeepers and fainting goat enthusiasts.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Eight
They say whatever happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas, Brian and Matt hoped that applied to warrants for public indecency.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Sixty Nine
The stink of feet and flatulence moved through the car like a living thing. The pine scented air freshener only made it angry.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy
They reached Los Angeles, almost immediately their car was stolen as they blundered about blinded by the smoke from wildfires.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy One
She lived fastidiously, she loved cautiously and died regretfully.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Two
"Why did you play me that way?" the ghost of Hamlet wailed as the actor cringed in horror.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Three
He was a private eye and lived on a diet of booze, coffee and smokes; doctors said that was why he died of massive organ failure.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Four
The cast of the 'MEGABOOBS' reunited for a 20th anniversary production but sales and, other things, were pretty low.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Five
He's the one they call Dr. Peelgood He's the one that makes yer sunburn all right...
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Six
Every year she promised him a birthday lapdance but they were both running out of birthdays and laps.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Seven
Mark was told split beaver pictures would increase traffic to his blog but he declined because he was no outdoorsman.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Eight
"Ice cream is like sex, sometimes you want it hard, some times you want it soft but if you go too fast it's a real headache."
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Seventy Nine
IThe Reddeath preferred to kill all witnesses, not because he had to but just to keep in practice.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty
It spoke volumes that no one in marketing realized naming a new kids drink 'Donkey Punch' was a bad idea.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty One
The evil ninjas threw Fuego head first into a jukebox, a song started to play and ironically enough everybody was kung fu fighting.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Two
Some said Ted was a sick for what he did to that Shetland pony, other folks just thought he was just feeling a little horse.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Three
Of all the Mad Gods that tore at the edges of reality and madness, Buttercup got the least respect.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Four
“Haunting is passe' so the world's ghosts while away eternity by having orgies. You're probably sitting in the middle of one now.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Five
He had refused the extended warranty and now there was no way for Chaz to make his pleasuredroid stop pointing and laughing.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Six
The line for Judgment Day will be arranged like the lines at Disneyland but most won't know which ride they’re on until its too late.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Seven
Technological advances and societal setbacks kept perfect pace until humanity was reduced to Neanderthals with BlackBerrys.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Eight
While the oncologists were used to dealing with aggressive cancers they were not used to dealing with passive-aggressive ones.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Eighty Nine
Most superheroes stay in on Halloween night if not they ended up getting into fights with drunk strangers or going home with candy.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety
“If there is one thing people universally hate its dreams,” Magwier said, “other peoples' dreams that is.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety One
It is a rare wargaming tournament that divides its players into shirts and skins, maybe that's just as well.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Two
Psychotic Kid justified his actions by insisting that he was “Defending freedom.”, the owners of the petting zoo still sued.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Three
“Witchcraft,” Audra observed, “is like sex. Fully workable alone but much more effective in groups.”
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Four
He had the looks of an Adonis, the mind of an Einstein and sadly the voice of a Muppet.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Five
A girl started working in the IT department but none of the guys there ever got past her firewall.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Six
Doomsday Girl wouldn't have beaten the Obnoxiator quite so hard if he hadn't kept trying to put dollar bills in her costume.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Six
Karl spent weeks trying to find a porn film that synched up with DARK SIDE OF THE MOON.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Seven
First the political commentators started weeping on air, then the weathermen started speaking on tongues.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Eight
Bob found that with the proper combination of vitamins and bran he was unable to leave the bathroom for hours.
5 Second Fiction Five Hundred and Ninety Nine
It went without saying that Charles Goatse was open to all possibilites.
5 Second Fiction Six Hundred
Doomsday Girl and Captain Hero laughed till they cried remembering all the good times they had shared. Then she died in his arms.