FIVE SECOND FICTION
Volume Two
by Al Bruno III
rev 1.0
Copyright Al Bruno III 2011
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FIVE SECOND FICTION
Totally Twitterable Tales
by
Al Bruno III
Volume Two
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and One
No superhero was sure if Doomsday Girl was wearing a risqué new costume or publicly flossing her labia.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Two
Bad enough he had been turned into a pillar of salt- worse yet someone had written on him 'I FOUGHT THE LORD AND THE LORD WON'
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Three
Every craft of the galactic fleet had a doomsday button that would instantly kill any officer crazy enough to use it.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Four
He lived in a world of shit but there was no denying his lawn had never looked better.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Five
It was the kind of order no police officer wanted to hear- “Arrest that dragon.”
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Six
And on that day Otto and Bob formed Task Force Palindrome. Wow. They even had a racecar.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Seven
Production on 'Mummies on Motorcycles' was shut down after the 3rd cast fatality.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eight
Audra knew that Studying Quantum Theologics was just a double major in blasphemy.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Nine
Given the choice between monsters and witty people Zeth preferred monsters, they were less dangerous.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Ten
“Who was that masked man?” Beverly wondered as she pulled she bedsheets up over her sweaty, sated flesh.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eleven
They say the secret is to never let them see you sweat, so spontaneous nosebleeds are out of the question.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twelve
They met on the field of honor but the cows had been through there. It was the messiest duel ever.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirteen
Windshield shattered, chassis torn to bits, he had been in such a hurry but not any more. Now he would wait alone.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fourteen
He volunteered for a vasectomy and a lobotomy, it was the best choice for this economy.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifteen
The disease left her flesh peeling away in little strips. They were delicious.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Sixteen
One of Dracula's ancestors worked in adult films- he too was called 'Vlad the Impaler'
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Seventeen
“You must understand that the only difference between a reality show and religion is that in the end we all get voted off.”
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eighteen
Unlike most dads Brian didn't care how many sleepovers his daughters had, after all that was how he had met his third wife.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Nineteen
Mario Krump's childhood heroes were slowly dying off, he was determined not to join them no matter what the cost.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty
In the end she left him because he was a slob. She took the kids but left him the ants.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty One
There is a rift between our reality and the Porniverse. Ironically that rift does not go both ways.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty Two
It turned out Satan had only been a cosmic temp- when the real guy showed up all Hell- literally- broke loose.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty Three
He caught his breath as he ran his hands over her bared breasts- those weren't pasties, those weren't pasties at all.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty Four
Captain Hero might have respected Amazing Ed more if his costume had been more than khakis, sandals and a cape.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty Five
The Cannibal Congressman's defense became his re-election slogan- “Lobbyists: The Other White Meat”
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty Six
He was the most inept lover she had ever had, somehow that intrigued her. Soon she fell in love, rugburns and all.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Twenty Seven
It was the 4th mummy that had shambled from its museum directly to New Orleans, perhaps drawn there by ragtime music.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty Eight
It was the one thing no paranormal investigator wanted to hear; "angry gay leprechauns"
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Twenty Nine
The fan forum for the TV show about a TV fan forum caused the Internet to collapse into a singularity of complaints and porn.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty
Once paper currency was replaced by erotic lithographs people started saving again.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty One
They cried havoc and let slip the dogs of war, followed quickly by the cats of hurtful language and budgies of ennui.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Two
He had lost his soul to drugs and depravity but no one in Kartoon Kingdom even knew Magic Mallard had a problem.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Three
Sobering up all he recalled was kissing a woman with a mustache. Then a pair of underpants was found in the manatee tank.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Four
There are a million stories in the city, none currently involve shuffleboard.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Five
Peaches the Pony was her wish come true! If only she hadn't made her wish at that cursed well.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Six
She was so busy chasing her dreams that she trampled over his reality.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Seven
Whoever thought it didn't hurt to just ask had never gone to Mr. Nelson for a raise after he'd had a bad golf game
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Thirty Eight
Everyone knew Captain Hero was conflicted about Doomsday Girl- men in spandex have no secrets.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Thirty Nine
The year they held GenCon at the Playboy mansion a lot of gamers failed their save vs. hyperventilation.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty
Several soulless cyborgs were sent to the past from the future, most became gym teachers.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty One
It seems like the iPhone app for Zeno's paradoxes will never get here.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Two
Of all the positions in 'THE NERDS KARMA SUTRA' the Behind Meld is still illegal in some states.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Three
Of all the positions in 'THE NERDS KARMA SUTRA' the Floating Jedi position is the most rewarding.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Four
If there was one thing all super heroes understood it was that in a crisis the guy no one ever heard of dies first.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Five
The villain in the first PETA-Approved horror film was called Pleatherface.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Seven
War after war of succession was fought over the Kingdom, no one wanted to be in charge of the damn place.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Six
Hrothgar was a barbarian spy with a license to cleave.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Eight
Mass confusion erupted when the International League of Hypnotists blundered into the National Staring contest.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Forty Nine
The car ride took a million years subjective time and there was only one Van Morrison CD to listen to.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty
Doomsday Girl's master plan involved a dirigible and some bungee cords. It failed.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty One
At 7 PM a giant meteor stuck the Earth, some only noticed when their cable TV went dead.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Two
The Reverend Ferdman was the first one to open a church sanctioned casino; they called it 'Holy Rollers'
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Three
Oh sure the army tried recruiting ninjas but no one ever noticed them during role call.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Four
The aliens landed in a warship that looked just like Spongebob Squarepants. The rest was easy.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Five
As he climaxed he whispered his one true love's name, everyone else in the library thought he was just talking to himself.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Six
None of the other guys in the Mob suspected Vito the Icepick's love of romantic comedies.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Seven
Captain Hero tried his luck with a darker, edgier costume and nearly got run over crossing the street at night.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Eight
Horothgar thought the mage had told him to beware of harpies when he reached Spring Break '99. He was so very wrong.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Fifty Nine
Hip hop inspired by the works of Ayn Rand was an original idea but Galt-sta Rap was a short lived fad.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Sixty
Derrick didn't know about his evil doppleganger until they both showed up to take the SATs
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Sixty One
A blow to the head caused Joe's mind to shift of all his pin numbers one memory to the left, he never used his ATM card again.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Sixty Two
Like Robinson Caruso it was primitive as can be, like most bachelor pads really.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Sixty Three
Of all her stalkers Lucy thought the one that wanted to bathe in her blood had the nicest handwriting.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Sixty Four
Psychic Pleasurebots fulfill an enduser's secret desires, many endusers don't truly know their secret desires until its too late.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Sixty Five
Supervillain Professor Ipecac is considered to have the most disgusting superpower ever.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Sixty Six
Since moving to America the vampire count had fallen on hard times but beware the Trailer Park of Dracula
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Sixty Seven
They made love and she cried out- not from pleasure but from the sight of the spider slowly lowering itself down towards the bed.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Sixty Eight
Only impure thoughts could save them now.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Sixty Nine
They tortured the morbidly obese Agent Krump by tying him to an exercise bike and letting it run. He felt the burn.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Seventy
"We may be twisted subhuman dwellers from beneath the Earth," Degmoor said, "but at least WE have health care."
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Seventy One
There was an avalanche at the ballpark, thankfully everyone got dugout.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Seventy Two
He tried to hide from the police in a bowling alley, he would have gotten away if he hadn't stopped to rent shoes.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Seventy Three
An error required the entire class of 1986 to retake their senior year, it was just like old times but with more medication.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Seventy Four
If getting sparkly vampires in headlocks while their girlfriends watched was wrong the Fuego didn't want to be right.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Seventy Five
Suspended animation stranded the cheerleaders in a far future wasteland, but they still had spirit yes they did.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Seventy Six
Lepers prefer to have parades on windy days, that way the confetti is free!
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Seventy Seven
Magwier had just come to accept that every once in a while he was going to find himself bound and hanging from something.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Seventy Eight
Lorelei didn't plan to have a knife fight in a petting zoo but then again she was only going to turn 16 once...
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Seventy Nine
The list of things Bob wouldn't put up his nose was upsettingly brief.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eighty
Time travelers learned the dinosaurs were accidentally wiped out by time travelers trying to learn what wiped out the dinosaurs.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eighty One
The morale of employees can always be judged by how they treat the company restroom. Tread carefully.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eighty Two
He didn't know she was a Born Again Vegan, she didn't know he was a Narcoleptic Transvestite. That's dating via Twitter for you.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eighty Three
“Just don't” she said. And to her eternal disappointment he didn't.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eighty Four
He spent his youth trying to escape from his father's legacy, then the rest of his life trying to hide behind it.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eighty Five
Psychotic Kid was terrible at detective work, thankfully he knew how to use GOOGLE.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eighty Six
Once they were alone in the honeymoon suite it was time to reveal the lingerie, it was the first time she had seen him in it.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eighty Seven
Birthday Party Clown and Anger Management are two words that should never have to go together.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eighty Eight
Many thought that once prostitution was legalized the streets would be safer, then the Pimp Wars began.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Eighty Nine
Even on his deathbed he was still trying to talk her into a threesome.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Ninety
Their love was like poetry but his was an imperfect rhyme.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Ninety One
Everyone in the company crowded into the IT department for the annual 'Running of the Nerds'
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Ninety Two
Clem was so naïve that when she asked him if he wanted to taste her muffin he told her he was on a diet.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Ninety Three
The brutal interrogations continued until morning but no one ever admitted to stealing the boss's lucky pen.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Ninety Four
There was no debate needed, they all knew 'Weaponized Vagina' was the worst name ever for a Christian rock band.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Ninety Five
The HR department hired a dominatrix, the male employees suddenly became very excited about cutbacks, no matter how much they hurt.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Ninety Six
They say that hard times build character, well Amazing Ed was one Hell of a character.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Ninety Seven
This wasn't the first time Captain Hero cursed the asylum for the criminally insane's work-release program.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Ninety Eight
Everyone always assumed the katana in the boss's office was decoration, that was before the HR massacre of 2007.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred and Ninety Nine
Sometimes at of night Yang would wake up and think a ninja orgy could be going on somewhere in his house and he would never know.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred
He fell into an automated sandwich making machine and died a hero.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and One
The starship Persea spent weeks in orbit around the Lodoarian Pleasure planet, finally someone found the captain.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Two
He'd always found humor in the most tragic of circumstances until he had a tragedy of his own.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Three
When you wish upon a star your dreams may come true but when you wish upon a porn star your chances are better.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Four
No branch of the armed forces wanted to be involved in 'Operation Silver Periwinkle'.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Five
The three women pushed him onto his back and tore at his clothes, it would have been damn sexy if they hadn't been hungry zombies.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Six
Doc Mullins was a steely eyed gunfighter with an unfortunate fear of horses, so he bicycled across the west dispensing justice.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seven
By the time he noticed her she was already gone.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eight
Carl had met many women via the Internet but she was the first one to try and kill him with real determination and enthusiasm.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Nine
Lorelei had to admit that her lover's precognitive abilities made him amazing at foreplay.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ten
The cheerleaders of the wasteland soon learned that the best defense was often an UZI and a well executed basket toss.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eleven
Mario Krump couldn't understand how he had gotten jock itch when he never exercised.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twelve
Agent Krump knew that no craft store would be safe until the Macramaniac was stopped.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirteen
“Amazing Ed, this utility belt of yours...” Captain Hero quaked with anger, “is full of cigarettes and condoms- some used.”
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fourteen
“The trick to skinning someone,” Reddeath explained, “is to start at the feet, that way you can enjoy their expressions longer.”
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifteen
“This is all just a bad dream,” he said over and over, but he really was at school in his underwear.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixteen
Every year one DragonCon attendee has a night of of pleasure with the cosplayer of their choice before they are sacrificed.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventeen
Despite everything Lorelei hoped she'd see her father again someday, because now she'd be ready for him.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighteen
Psychotic Kid found himself trapped in a building full of his deadliest enemies- it was a Shriners' Convention.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Nineteen
He unburdened himself completely, telling her all his secrets and dreams, there was no second date after that.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty
No one told him that being the veteran of a thousand psychic wars would be such a headache.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty One
His code name was “The Brazilian” and he had ways of making you talk, and baby smooth.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Two
Even crueler than the curse of lycanthropy was the fact that even as a werewolf he still had male pattern baldness.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Three
The suspect hissed and skittered up and over the wall. Agent Krump stared after him, dreading how this would look in the report.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Four
When you come right down to it, Egyptian mummies are proof that you can be too rich and too thin.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Five
Few time machines can survive the trip to the big bang and beyond and those that do for some reason come back filled with pasta.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Six
He turned the thermostat up, she turned it down. On and on it went until weather patterns developed in the living room.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Seven
His years as a washroom attendant had prepared him for a career in tech support. “Please hold.”
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Eight
The years may not have been kind to her but the people that loved her were and that was more important by far.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Twenty Nine
The albino mutants might have killed the Cheerleaders of the Wasteland if the girls hadn't offered up such great skin care tips.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty
He vowed to leave town tonight before his dreams were pushed aside by the needs of the newborn son he was holding in his arms.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty One
Amazing Ed insisted that he could talk to fish, it was just that the damn fish wouldn't listen.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Two
She explained to them that she refused to go to church until they put the jokes back in the bible. It was all downhill from there.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Three
There was no doubt in Captain Hero's mind that each of these crimes had been inspired by a one hit wonder from the 80's.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Four
At 12:15 PM the entire defensive line of the varsity football team began spontaneously lactating.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Five
She was caught between the Devil and the deep blue sea... and soon discovered that Satan was surprisingly buoyant.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Six
The villainous Lord Pigman could have revealed Captain Hero's true identity but he knew no one likes a squealer.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Seven
Nobody expected the CEO visit to go well, but no one expected the division supervisors to feed him marijuana-laced brownies either.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Eight
After years of suppressing her sexual fantasies they call came bubbling to the surface, tragically she was driving at the time.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Thirty Nine
It looked like a massage parlor but it was really a den of sin and depravity, Karl had to go twice just to be sure.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty
Captain Eagle of the Galactic Patrol secretly liked breaking wind in his space suit.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty One
The Rolling d20s are the only known biker gang composed of D&D players.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Two
Mario knew that suspenders were just a fat man's way of freeing himself from the tyranny of a belt.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Three
They made love, his senses reeled, that made it all the worse when her cat rubbed its cold nose across his ass.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Four
In order to increase employee self -esteem the call center had all headsets designed to look like tiaras.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Five
Thirsting for revenge the Reddeath blew up Captain Hero's taxicab, Fuego's apartment and Psychotic Kid's Love Boat memorabilia.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Six
It took a trip the US for ballerina Wanda Oliszewski to learn that Pole Dancing was very different from a Dancing Pole
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Seven
There are many times when a spit take is appropriate, delivering a eulogy is not one of them.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Eight
At last Captain Hero told Doomsday Girl he loved her, she still thew him down a well but she was blushing when she did it.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Forty Nine
As far as Agent Krump was concerned having your gout inflamed by bad takeout food was an injury in the line of duty.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty
The unmanned deep space mission was really a plot to get rid of all the really sarcastic robots.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty One
'Disposable fingers' The thought woke him up in the middle of the night and kept him awake till dawn.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Two
Captain Hero found the big city superheroes intimidating with their actual superpowers, gleaming costumes and armies of lawyers.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Three
Time travelers ruined the joy of rare coin collecting for everyone.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Four
Rebooting an entire starship was a dangerous business but the Persea was light years from the nearest software upgrade.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Five
There was a fine line between what was erotic and what was weird; Karl spent his life moving the goalposts.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Six
Magwier awoke with a gasp and found the satin lined walls of a coffin pressing in around him. “Not again,” he groaned.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Seven
Whenever he ran naked in a thunderstorm it was always the same thing, a quick flash and a huge crack.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Eight
Captain Hero founded the super team known as the Local Heroes, they fought crime and attended the occasional mall opening.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Fifty Nine
He was a magician by trade so no matter how much stripper glitter transferred to his clothes his wife never suspected a thing.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty
Each night John Sig heard beatings and abuse going on next door; but even after he killed everyone there he still couldn't sleep.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty One
Captain Hero had no powers aside from his noble heart and better than average people skills- a rare thing in his business.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Two
Once it was decided that shaky cam films were passe, shaky movie screens became all the rage.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Three
The morbidly obese Agent Krump kept shooting fleeing suspects in the legs until Homeland Security bought him a Segway.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Four
The monster was built from body parts of celebrities that died young. It was horrible to look at but damn well knew how to party.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Five
Fearful of the spread of socialism many Americans fled to an island where they survived by sharing resources and responsibilities.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Six
“and I was filled with sepulcherous dread at the hint of playthings hidden in my house- the BRATZ in the walls.”
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Seven
Luchador crimefighter Fuego was on disability for 12 weeks after throwing his back out fighting robots and Aztec mummies.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Eight
Since being dead is a pre-existing medical condition, few zombies have health care of any sort.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Sixty Nine
“It was the Devil's picnic and we were the ants.”
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy
By and by the family lost interest in the dog but he never lost interest in them, and that made it worse.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy One
Special Agent Mario Krump went through each suspects' file until his suspicions were confirmed, they were all idiots.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Two
Fuego and Rusty Johnson captured one of the dreaded Shellfish Gang, but then they lobster.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Three
In a war between super heroes and mobsters no matter who lost only the cliches won.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Four
He road off into the sunset, it was all in another days' work for Slim Baker: Grief Councilor of the Wild Frontier.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Five
Every night the super team The Local Heroes went on patrol, excerpt for Sundays- that was the pot luck dinner.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Six
There were to things Audra never seemed to have enough of; spell components and clean panties.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Seven
After years of chanting and ceremonies Madame Tara was contacted by the spirit world. They told her to shut the Hell up.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Eight
The Olympic Committee had to choose between D&D or Co-Ed Mud Wrestling as new events. No one expected them be combined instead.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Seventy Nine
Jason Magwier knew that if you were a shape shifter you went through a lot of shoes.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty
One by one the Muses were driven out of Olympus by the gods of remakes, fan fiction and sampling.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty One
Inspired by recent political events Gary shouted “YOU LIE!” at an employee meeting. The District Manager burst into tears and agreed.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Two
Once HP Lovecraft was resurrected from his essential salts he promptly began suing the Hell out of everybody.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Three
Captain Hero offered to reform Doomsday Girl, she offered to ruin him- both left the encounter tempted but alone.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Four
“The difference between a succubus and a poetess is that a succubus won't make you listen to her poems before she eats your soul.”
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Five
The meeting of the Morality Action Group became so heated that an orgy broke out. Later they blamed the television.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Six
A lifetime later he still kept a photograph of his old love hidden away, he never suspected that his wife knew and understood.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Seven
Attending church became like flossing and making love, something she only did once or twice a year- and usually under duress.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Eight
Psychotic Kid and Fuego were the only members of the team brave enough to confront Hrothgar the Viking about his hygiene issues.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Eighty Nine
A job opening for a professional time traveler was listed in the paper months after the position was filled.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety
It was a sin for him to fantasize about other women so instead he re-imagined his wife in series of complex disguises.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety One
The first starship powered by Google technology truly was a Search Engine.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Two
It wasn't a wasn't a rare thing for Lorelei to be overcome with love for her mother- just never to the woman's face.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Three
Lesser women might have traded their virtue but the Cheerleaders of the Wasteland took their purity rings very seriously.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred Ninety Four
The ship hit an iceberg then the rescue plane hit the ship; and to think she had taken a vacation because she was feeling suicidal.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Five
The young prince tried to woo the maiden fair but in the end just hooked up with her slutty older sister instead.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Six
That night the demi-god Erato joined the team, and Amazing Ed almost ruined it all by asking if she was there for light housework.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Seven
He confessed that he was an atheist and came to church to pick up chicks, Pastor Ferdman was glad to learn he wasn't the only one.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Eight
Little is known of the Dread Lords save that they can only be summoned by love and only be sated by blood.
5 Second Fiction Three Hundred and Ninety Nine
"I don't negotiate with terrorists." He said.
"Stop being dramatic and tell the Laundromat we lost the damn ticket." She ordered.
5 Second Fiction Four Hundred
The rescue mission ended awkwardly when Captain Hero and Doomsday Girl were found engaged what was not a life and death struggle.