Gay Enough
2
German
Alcala
Published
by German Alcala at Smashwords
Copyright
2011 German Alcala
Poem Listing
Prologue
– Naive Child
Poem
One – I’m A Faggot
Poem
Two – Is Gay Enough?
Bonus
Poem - **** ***
Poem
Three – Aftershocks
Poem
Four – I Have A Dream
Poem
Five – Hardly Brave
Poem
Six – House Of Mirrors
Poem
Seven – It’s Not A License To Kill
Poem
Eight – It Happens To Matter
Poem
Nine – The Chances
Poem
Ten – That’s So Precious
Poem
Eleven – One Toe At A Time
Poem
Twelve – One Little Detail
Poem
Thirteen – Beware Of Dogs
Poem
Fourteen – It’s About Human Spirit
Bonus
Poem - ****** *** **** **
Hello, my darling, it’s wonderful to see you here. Due to the popularity of my book, Gay Enough, I asked my readers if a second Gay Enough would be intelligent, and they responded with pure joy. So, I spent many months while Gay Enough only gained more popularity to write this following collection which I hope you enjoy, because I know I had a great time crafting this collection. I added the commentary throughout the book betweem each poem just to give it a little comedy, and tell the backstories behind a few poems. You can skip them if you want the bare poetry, but for the full meal you should read them. I’ll present them in italics so as to not become a full part of the book, but rather a voice in your mind whilst reading. Thank you for reading, darlings.
(And now I introduce the collection with this prologue to the book called “Naïve Child” about my little cousin who surprised me when I found out she had opinions on homosexuality…)
Prologue
Naive
Child
Fool
who does not understand,
I’ll let your thoughts pass like
sand
But then my own blood
Thinks that I am no good
My
sweet child, you suspect me
And if I ask what you see
You
respond with hesitation:
“When I see them I am sickened
They
are disgusting and stupid”
How I pray for Cupid
For our love
has been threatened
My
sweet child, know that you break my heart
Whenever you say that my
heart is torn apart
How could I possibly still love you in this
way?
Yet, I’d jump in front of bullets for you any day
My
naïve child
The
world at large knows what I am far and wide
Yet around you I have
to push it aside
Should I allow my appearance to fall away despite
me
You would cry, and deny me to be part of your family
Damn
the society in which we live that taught you well
And when we are
older you will know and force me to sail
For I will not be silent
if you grow older with these ideas
With teary eyes I’ll speak.
This boy no longer hides
My
sweet child, know that you break my heart
As you glare at the
colorful flag as if it were a fart
What do you plan to do if your
child should be like me?
Of flesh and bones. Would he be one you
never want to see?
My naive child
Should
you like a few others feel dishonored by my life
Do not bother to
approach me with a raised knife
“Who’s family are you? You are
not my cousin”
Know that you cannot kill me. I will leave in
sin
My stupid child, if you grow older with these ideas
Our
love could easily be abandoned to the past
My
sweet child, your eyes tell a story of love
Yet your mouth tells a
story for a God above
Will you be an honorable woman? I ask
myself
I carried you once. Soon you will be twelve
My naïve
child
I remember those nights that I have helped you not
cry
What will become of us if I reveal and you tell me to
fly?
What if I come out to you? Will you tell me to vanish?
To
a world in my dreams?! Where our love did not tarnish?
(Beautiful,
no? Let’s move on from fears into gayness, and allow me to
introduce the first poem of this book colorfully named “I’m A
Faggot”. This poem was inspired by the rash stupidity of those who
speak in disgusting vulgarities. I believe that they are stupid and
pathetic, but never become suicidal over the stupid ways in which
these people express their most hidden desires…)
Poem One
I’m A
Faggot
Empty words only vibrate away and die in thin air
Speak
words filled with hatred and disgust. I don’t care
There’s a
thing that you’ll never understand: Love
I really don’t care
why you speak for your God above
I used to be so scared by the
truth, but now I’m proud
There’s a joy I find in it, so, I
don’t mind saying it loud
I say it a million times, but won’t
wear it out “I’m gay”.
However, you always have something
intelligent to say
Call me a faggot. Or a queer. Tell me to
suck your dick
I’ll laugh at your smarts. Of my ass you can take
a lick
I’m a faggot, a gaywad, and I love it when you say it
You
waste your breathe all you want. I laugh at your shit
Why
take offense at words? It’s a simple statement so rude
But why
should I let some intolerance ruin my good mood?
It happens to be
what I am, and I won’t deny it feels good
Tell me to suck you
off some more. I know you wish I would
So,
when I sing my Cher songs you can yell it in my face
When I watch
RuPaul you’re welcome to call me a disgrace
As I play with Hand
Fans you can look at me and gawk
Like I give a shit about what
other people decide to talk?
I
live for the pleasure in life. Just
like a faggot
I’ll
dance not cry during strife. Piece
of shit
I’ll
stare at boys as they walk along. Queer
Yes,
I am, and it gives me so much cheer.
Call
me a faggot. Because that’s what I am. Quite proud
I’ve
done nothing wrong. There are no demons to be found
So,
speak of my eternity in hell with such intellect
I
don’t care. It’s not something I decided to elect
Just
a fact of my life; I’m a Faggot
(Provocative? I agree. Let’s walk away from these gay-haters, and let’s take a look at my own sadness in a poem named “Is Gay Enough?” that comes from my own depression which I desperately tried healing by coming out of the closet, because I thought the sadness I felt was related to being in the closet… it turned out to be only a small pebble on the mountain…)
Poem Two
Is
Gay Enough?
So long I thought that being found out was my
fear
I thought for months and prayed for strength in life
There
was a freedom that I didn’t have to hold dear
The loneliness and
darkness hurt me like a sharp knife
It was a struggle. It took
all my courage, but I said it
I was accepted with open arms and I
felt at peace
Yet, my happiness lasted only moments like a bong
hit
Then suddenly the tears redecorate my bed’s fleece
Now
in this sadness I begin to ask. Is Gay enough?
Despite my hopes I
can still feel my heart giving up
The openness and the pride seems
to mean nothing
There is happiness and a new life that it didn’t
bring
I realize now that my dreams of a new life were
dumb
Being gay is nothing except the fact that I like males
I
realize now that my heart will continue to go numb
For wherever
people should smile this bitch always fails
I’m not
surprised. I deserve a life filled with misery
I’m a terrible
person at heart. I deserve this pain
I know that my God can
justify showing me no mercy
So in my life there must never be any
happiness to gain
Under
a dark cloud something is slowly dying inside of me
And I have no
idea of how to deal with my life’s problems
At the end of a
tunnel there is no bright light I can see
I feel like a plant, a
rose, which has been cut by its stem
I sit in the sun and all
I see is the impenetrable darkness
Surrounding me are all the
people in misery and pain
I now know that the world can’t hold
any true happiness
Perhaps the pain I have seen and felt will make
me insane
Here, feeling more alone than ever I ask. Is Gay
enough?
Should I lose hope already? For my heart has given it
up
There’s a freedom that I can’t grasp no matter what I
do
There are no longer good beliefs I hold to my heart as true
(Tragic… now this next poem “Walk Out” is meant for the gay boys and girls who hide in fear. Keep this next one a secret, but don’t let its message stay as hidden as its words…)
You
know the truth
You know your power
Don’t let yourself
down
It’s time to be fierce
Does
it even matter? This is just you, dear
What’s stopping you from
walking out of there?
It’s been in you for life or a new
decision
It’s just you and you don’t need permission
If
walking out means you have something lose
With everybody here do
whatever you choose
Then wait to tell those you love so much
Just
don’t let fear give you a terrible crush
This
is in your heart now, and you must do it
Don’t wallow in shadows
and always be hid
You know what to do, it’s always the time
To
get you in a mood to do it follow this rhyme
Walk out of the
closet, dear
Don’t be stunned by the fear
Those who matter
will love
Those who hate aren’t above
Walk on water
across this sea
Time to walk out, you’ll be free
Walk out of
the dog house’s dark
Walk out and give a loud bark
I
remember when I was stunned by the doubt
I was fat as hell. Food
was pushing the fear out
I cried sometimes in the anger and
shame
I was somebody losing in life’s terrible game
Even
when I was four I was looking at the boys
I remember I would dress
up all of the girl’s toys
I’d do their hair so nice and
perfect, I was free
Later I realized that this was not right to
be
Now I implore it to all the boys and girls with me
There’s
a greener grass that you should come see
Cast the curse away; just
click your heels together
Promise me you won’t hide from
yourself forever
It’s the time to walk out of the
closet
Don’t keep your feelings inside a basket
Time to walk
across the oceans so vast
Don’t be left behind, don’t be
last
Walk out of the dark shadows of fear
The light is so
much warmer here
Walk out the living room is clean
Walk out
onto the anxious scene
Don’t be afraid
Listen to what I
said
Don’t be intimated
Don’t be insulated
Just walk on
out
Don’t hold doubt
Walk out of that closet
You surely
look fabulous
(Aimed for inspiring… hit encouraging, but that works right? Oh, whatever, I thought it was okay. This next poem “Aftershocks” comes from that sensation of fear that I think I share with all openly gay people who meet new people, and are then asked if they’re gay or not. It’s fun to coyly reply “Why? You wanna fuck?” just to break the ice before I say yes or no… oddly enough I was the one getting a yes once, but sometimes it’s your family members, and it would be frowned upon by society to reply in any other way but the direct truth… or sometimes you’re not in the mood for jokes… I’ll shut up…)
It’s
the aftershock of telling somebody
It’s not something I tell to
just anybody
But when the subject comes back up
I suddenly feel
like I want to throw up
I remember all the doubts of saying it
I’m
suddenly struck by fear of being hit
Or being looked at with total
repulsion
Scared of being thrown out in expulsion
Aftershocks
vibrate through my stomach
Then waves of thoughts cause a
headache
I harden my stomach and say the words
I prepare to see
the reaction of the worst
My fears never come to fruition.
Amazingly
It’s either taken or admired. Surprisingly
The fear
is slowly washing away from me
An aftershock washes through my
body
From the darkness appears my mental army
The guards
raise their swords once more
Ready to deny anything to any
accuser
The words “No, never” are on my tongue
My nerves
all become so tightly strung
Then in only moments it’s over and
done
There was never any battle to be won
Never was a volcano
expected to erupt
After all: Denial is only needed in
Egypt
(…it’s
a pun for those of you who didn’t get the last line. Whatever. This
next poem is inspired by a friend who… now rests with the moon.
Written while he walked among us from his point of view “I Have a
Dream” mixes what he spoke of and what I learned from his long
forgotten rant that inspired this poem…)
Poem Four
I
Have a Dream
A vision of acceptance where it’s not an
issue
Where everybody is a civilized being without care
The Gay
Pride parades are a historical affair
And we don’t follow the
person with huge hair
I have a dream of a world where we are
equal
I
have a dream of a world where the word is ignored
A world where we
acknowledge that we’re not aliens
I have a dream where I have
been highly groomed
And I marry to another man, and nobody
argues
I have a dream of a world where we’re all so special
A
perfect vision of a world where we all face facts
We’re the
same. We’re humans striving for happiness
We all work or study,
have friends to hold our backs,
Find somebody to love, and then
sleep for rest
And then the process begins again the next day
I
have a dream where we don’t need such things
Like parades and
huge celebrations for equality
Only a vision of a patient people
who want rights
Their God given rights returned to them
swiftly
Not a world where being who we are begins fights
I
have a simple dream. A vision of only equality
Neither a struggle
nor a people plagued by hatred
Where nobody could care less about
preferences
Because in the end Me, You and They are no
different
We all dream our dreams of joy and of success
I
have a dream of a free world, of free people
Of a world without
fear of ridicule and hate
I have a dream where we are all as free
as eagles
A vision of a world where we all suddenly equate
I
hold to a premonition of equality and peace
(Makes you cry when you know the back story to that poem… no? Geesh, you’re the kind of reader that leaves behind the one star reviews aren’t you? Bastard. I’ll forget about you, and give a shout-out to the boys and girls who come out of the closet and into the fire with this poem “Hardly Brave” which was inspired after seeing a bunch of people calling me of all cowards brave…)
Poem
Five
Hardly Brave
What
a brave and strong boy
What a brave act of pride
What
bravery
That’s very brave, what an act.
I
never thought I would be seen as brave
I’m
not brave; in fact I’m quite cowardly
I
only thought that the secret was grave
The
terror it had on me had to meet a boundary
I
brought about the end of horror and fright
I believe it was
something I needed to do then
And it would let me comfortably
sleep at night
People’s ridiculing still did not meet an end
Hardly
brave of an act, I don’t feel brave at all
No, I feel like I was
just admitting a dark secret
It doesn’t make me feel like a
hero, not very tall
I only felt tired of being scared and being
discreet
I don’t know if it’s very brave, I do know it’s
good
It’s not the bravest act on Earth, I could be braver
I
was holding onto a secret which I no longer could
But the secret
could have been so much graver
Maybe
while I pondered it I worried about nothing
It was the bravery to
stand up and say it
No, it was the bravery of facing the chance of
hate
It was the bravery of risking being brutally hit
I
could be quite cowardly, but I was scared
I was not brave at all;
at least I don’t feel as such
I find it braver to brave what
could have arrived
I find it braver when coming out does not
touch
I find it braver to live what I hope is nobody’s story
I
find so much scarier and braver when it fails
When the home
becomes a banned territory
But still you brave it all, and live to
tell the tales
Am
I brave at all? No, I’m not brave at all
Were my fears
justified, truly they were
Would you have been brave against a
wall?
Trust me it’s something I would conquer
(I
love those powerful beings that prosper despite oppression… this
next poem “House of Mirrors” is written from that same depression
that inspired “Is Gay Enough?”. I hope you enjoy it, and… yeah,
I’ll be quiet…)
Poem
Six
House of Mirrors
I’m
shaking without a clue
Of what I really should do
Every
breathe I take is another attempt at it
Every step I take is
another feeling of being hit
I’m in search of myself, and I
can’t find him
I don’t know which road to take in this insane
asylum
I feel like I’m going through a house of mirrors
When
I get to the end I’ll say “bye” to the terrors
But for now I
only keep getting lost and crashing
I could break a mirror and
begin wildly thrashing
I
feel like I’m trying to navigate the darkest ocean
My senses
lost; I’m sure somebody snuck me a potion
I only keep crashing
into cliffs, but this is not my land
I have to get to my land; I
care not if I lose a hand
I
must know who I truly am, I must escape this pain
And once I find
a way out I won’t be back ever again
I just need to find the
right path in this house of mirrors
I can only try to escape
before my poor mind withers
I
no longer know who the real me is.
Finding that out will bring me
bliss.
I know that I’m only a reflection of what I used to
be
All I want to do is return back to what is naturally me
In
this house of mirrors I could go insane
In this house of mirrors I
find only pain
But I know that I must escape this place
Before
I’m gone from life with no trace
A
house of mirrors has enveloped my mind
I look in the mirrors and I
feel blind
Because everything about me is a lie
To be somebody
else I always have to try
It’s a house of mirrors, darling,
help me out
All these mirrors reflect back is a world of doubt
So,
help me find freedom from this house
Before I go insane and tear
at my blouse
In a house of mirrors don’t let me take the
wrong corridor
I’m afraid of ending up somewhere where I am a
foreigner
In this house of mirrors I’m slowly losing my mind to
time
And couldn’t find my way out before the end of this rhyme
(Don’t worry. I smashed all the mirrors and found my way out so I could publish this book. Somebody will push me back in later. Oh, here comes the bastard to plunge me back into sadness now. Inspired by unfaithful lovers gay or straight this next poem “It’s Not A License To Kill” cusses through pain…)
Poem
Seven
It’s Not A License To Kill
You’re not my
friend, but you’re not my enemy
You’re supposed to love me for
all of eternity
Time goes on and you think that your dick
Allows
you to go off and touch some other prick
Asshole! What the fuck is
wrong with your nuts?
We’re gay but that doesn’t mean we’re
sluts!