FIVE SECOND FICTION
Volume One
by Al Bruno III
rev 1.0
Copyright Al Bruno III 2011
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FIVE SECOND FICTION
Totally Twitterable Tales
by
Al Bruno III
Volume One
5 Second Fiction One
Lorelei hid in dreams and lost herself in nightmares but whenever she awoke there he was- plain as day.
5 Second Fiction Two
Lorelei and Audra stared in disbelief as the last thug crumpled. Who would ever have thought the Amish kid knew kung-fu?
5 Second Fiction Three
Magwier explained they were called the dark gods because they lived in men’s' hearts.
5 Second Fiction Four
For Rachel the best and worst part of being a vampire was the feeding, tasting both soul and memory before snuffing it out.
5 Second Fiction Five
"I love being a secret agent." Bernard Flapdoodle explained, "But I just can't take all those goofy codenames."
5 Second Fiction Six
It was the kind of Honeymoon she had always dreamed about -until the burning clown hit the balcony.
5 Second Fiction Seven
The man in the high-backed chair was dying and Zeth was content to watch
5 Second Fiction Eight
Lorelei breathed a sigh of relief, "How did you know which of us was the duplicate?"
Zeth holstered his pistol, "I guessed."
5 Second Fiction Nine
Gary paused, when he spoke his mouth was full, "What do you mean I'm not eating cheese curd?"
5 Second Fiction Ten
Passion spent they lay half-clothed and entwined on the buffet table. This was class reunion that no one would ever forget.
5 Second Fiction Eleven
Terrance never realized how much his girlfriend and her mother sounded alike until he called her house to ask for oral sex.
5 Second Fiction Twelve
"It's rough going." Magwier said, "Keep hold of my hand."
Isobel cleared her throat, "Uh, I'm over here."
"Oh dear."
5 Second Fiction Thirteen
Lorelei HATED zombies. They were like Wal-Marts- easily created and seemingly around every corner these days.
5 Second Fiction Fourteen
Things were tough all over, that was why Captain Hero patrolled the city from a taxi. And the fares paid for fresh spandex.
5 Second Fiction Fifteen
It wasn’t so much the rumors of cannibalism that destroyed his candidacy as much as it was all of those damn photographs.
5 Second Fiction Sixteen
"I've never been to a haunted house before." Isobel said.
"How can you truly be sure?" Magwier grinned at the thought.
5 Second Fiction Seventeen
Psychotic Kid had been Captain Hero’s sidekick for years. Mostly because restraining orders meant nothing to him.
5 Second Fiction Eighteen
The instructors were reluctant to let Isobel learn any new incantations until she promised not to use any on them.
5 Second Fiction Nineteen
Zeth let the last of them get away ...at least for a while.
5 Second Fiction Twenty
Special Agent Krump waved the DNA test results triumphantly, "According to the lab the blood on the walls was ...mine?"
5 Second Fiction Twenty-One
The suspension bridge lurched, cables snapped. One of the three men hanging to the edge said "Is this male bonding or what?"
5 Second Fiction Twenty-Two
As far as Gary was concerned you hadn't lived until you heard your supervisor screaming at you to put your pants back on.
5 Second Fiction Twenty-Three
The terrorists had control of the prom but Captain Hero had a secret plan- Barry Manilow music playing at maximum volume!
5 Second Fiction Twenty-Four
This wasn't the first time Audra had put herself in danger for the sake of a frozen custard but it just might be the last.
5 Second Fiction Twenty-Five
Jason Magwier wasn't afraid of death or dismemberment- poetry slams on the other hand...
5 Second Fiction Twenty Six
Professor Mayhem abandoned super villainy shortly after the night he realized he couldn't find his invisible zeppelin.
5 Second Fiction Twenty Seven
Vic stumbled from his car and stared up at a sky of alien stars and broken moons. He breathed, "Damn you Mapquest."
5 Second Fiction Twenty Eight
The air was thick with ghosts; Audra inhaled deeply.
5 Second Fiction Twenty Nine
He was like a sculptor creating a living breathing monument from her desire, she cooed and purred. Then the rancid omelets kicked in...
5 Second Fiction Thirty
Magwier said, "This can only end in blood and tears."
Dan shook his head, "You guys take open mike night way too seriously."
5 Second Fiction Thirty One
The seven shambling creatures drew closer. Zeth checked the clip- just six bullets left, “This is going to be tricky.”
5 Second Fiction Thirty Two
Yes she had once said "Not if you were the last man on Earth" but Barry was sure the actual Apocalypse had changed that.
5 Second Fiction Thirty Three
"He's not truly dead." The call center manager choked back tears, "He's gone on to work in the queue eternal."
5 Second Fiction Thirty Four
"Great." Lorelei said with annoyance, "Vampires. The douchebags of the supernatural world."
Lord Evernight just glared.
5 Second Fiction Thirty Five
Max sighed and sat down on the edge of the curb. He wondered to himself, "Why are the cute ones always Nazis?"
5 Second Fiction Thirty Six
"What did you do?" Rachel's voice was a whisper.
"What does it look like?" Dr. Flesh said, "I turned him inside out."
5 Second Fiction Thirty Seven
Jason Magwier wasn't about to go jumping from one rooftop to another, his girlfriend on the other hand...
5 Second Fiction Thirty Eight
Psychotic Kid knew being tied up was one of the risks of being a super hero. Then one day he realized he kind of liked it
5 Second Fiction Thirty Nine
They might have gotten away with it if not for that damn mime with tourettes.
5 Second Fiction Forty
Lorelei hated LA- there were too many blondes with empty heads and foolish dreams. It was like an ingénue factory.
5 Second Fiction Forty One
Bad enough he was a cyborg- even worse his name was 'Rusty Johnson'.
5 Second Fiction Forty Two
Once the technology was available the time travelers to hippies ratio at the original Woodstock was 4 to 1.
5 Second Fiction Forty Three
Zeth raised his aching head as far as the chains would allow, "What do you mean things could have been worse?"
5 Second Fiction Forty Four
All through his marriage he had tried to keep a tight hold on her but in the end all he was left holding was a photograph.
5 Second Fiction Forty Five
"I have a thing for older men." Audra explained, "Mostly because they're idiots."
5 Second Fiction Forty Six
It was a widely held opinion that the super-hero known as Amoeba-Man had self-esteem issues.
5 Second Fiction Forty Seven
"Not only do you have no idea WHAT the Hell you're doing." Audra said, "You also have no idea WHO the Hell you're doing."
5 Second Fiction Forty Eight
The real tragedy of Dr. Craven Slaughterface was that he actually was a pretty damn good pediatrician.
5 Second Fiction Forty Nine
If two celebrities hadn't died that week the news outlets probably would have spent more time covering the alien invasion.
5 Second Fiction Fifty
My one regret is that I never had the chance to use the words 'werewolf', 'linguine' and 'outhouse' in a single sentence.
5 Second Fiction Fifty One
Andrea had never intended to become a serial killer but Sunday afternoons in Utica were just so damn boring...
5 Second Fiction Fifty Two
The only thing that saved mankind from the blasphemous spawn of the stars was their mind bendingly poor sense of direction.
5 Second Fiction Fifty Three
Karl stayed away from hookers that promised to "love him long time", it was too intimidating.
5 Second Fiction Fifty Four
George found being able to transform into a burly Viking advantageous in a fight but disastrous during a job interview.
5 Second Fiction Fifty Five
Lorelei stood at the fountain, staring down through the water to the piles of bones. Of all the places to drop your keys...
5 Second Fiction Fifty Six
For Gary going crazy felt just like falling in love and he didn't want to be medicated for either.
5 Second Fiction Fifty Seven
Captain Hero felt that the only thing worse than a mad scientist was passive aggressive one.
5 Second Fiction Fifty Eight
Mario Krump wondered to himself if he would ever blunder upon a group of attractive cultists engaging in orgiastic rites.
5 Second Fiction Fifty Nine
Magwier was not clairvoyant, he just remembered things that might happen. It made him terrible at chess but good at poker.
5 Second Fiction Sixty
"There is this guy I met. He the most clueless, helpless person I ever met." Audra looked down at her shoes, "I miss him."
5 Second Fiction Sixty One
Bloodthirsty dachshunds surrounded Captain Hero and his sidekick. He shouted "Only submissive urination can save us now!"
5 Second Fiction Sixty Two
Lorelei was in an existential funk, so naturally she dyed her hair a shade of burgundy.
5 Second Fiction Sixty Three
He hated being a jester but loved the curly shoes.
5 Second Fiction Sixty Four
"Great power," Captain Hero said, "is great responsibility." Psychotic Kid replied, "We can be completely irresponsible!"
5 Second Fiction Sixty Five
Agent Krump compiled the statistics; the number of serial killers working in the tech support field was staggering.
5 Second Fiction Sixty Six
A tragic error during the parade left the authorities searching through the remains of floats and band instruments.
5 Second Fiction Sixty Seven
His name was Bazooka Jim and he was the least subtle hitman ever. He was also wanted for copyright infringement
5 Second Fiction Sixty Eight
Her kisses were cold and wet, like a bus station toilet seat in wintertime.
5 Second Fiction Sixty Nine
Special Agent Krump never read Edgar Allen Poe so when the trained orangutan attacked he had no frame of reference.
5 Second Fiction Seventy
"The world could be unmade by Angels or Devils," Magwier explained, "But at least the Devils won't say 'I told you so'"
5 Second Fiction Seventy One
Crime fighting luchador Fuego knew no fear because his secret identity was a substitute teacher.
5 Second Fiction Seventy Two
He roared,” I am the chosen of Kressor, the blade that cleaves worlds!" Mario Krump frowned, "That's not what your blog says."
5 Second Fiction Seventy Three
...but it was all just a dream. He wasn't an accountant- he was the Pendaroth gold eyed messiah of the Verge. How he wept.
5 Second Fiction Seventy Four
The damn vampires are everywhere!" Lorelei said, "It's like an orgy of bad posture and crushed velvet."
5 Second Fiction Seventy Five
There were too many superheroes and too few supervillains. Most evil madmen kept to themselves now, or worked in marketing.
5 Second Fiction Seventy Six
Zeth slipped and fell to the pavement. He thought to himself that if the mobsters didn't kill him these new shoes would.
5 Second Fiction Seventy Seven
"My faith gives me strength." Fuego explained to Captain Hero, "The sweet baby Jesus, he has a headlock on my soul."
5 Second Fiction Seventy Eight
It wasn't that he had an eating disorder, it was just that the sight of half-digested food fascinated him.
5 Second Fiction Seventy Nine
By the time he was close enough for her to see he was covered with tics it was already too late.
5 Second Fiction Eighty
Renovations on the old house were going smoothly; walls knocked out, flooring pulled up. That night the shadmocks escaped...
5 Second Fiction Eighty One
Joe vowed to get a new agent when he landed a role in a groin punching fetish video. If only he had read the script first...
5 Second Fiction Eighty Two
And once again Captain Hero had to explain to his sidekick it was their duty to capture villains not strip search them.
5 Second Fiction Eighty Three
There was no stopping Fuego but then he heard the phrase every superhero dreaded, "Ninjas with bulldozers."
5 Second Fiction Eighty Four
He said goodbye but she didn't listen, that had been the problem all along.
5 Second Fiction Eighty Five
He had two options- he could shoot his way out or hide in a time-share seminar. Zeth was glad he brought extra ammo.
5 Second Fiction Eighty Six
Magwier didn't want to dignify his execution with a final statement but he hated not getting in the last word.
5 Second Fiction Eighty Seven
Over the course of her freshman year Audra made enemies among students, faculty and, surprisingly enough, the Chinese mafia.
5 Second Fiction Eighty Eight
Lord Evernight dropped onto his prey, leaving them wide-eyed. These were the moments he wished would last forever.
5 Second Fiction Eighty Nine
The Denny's manager had a real problem with the way Brett cleaned the ladies room. Mostly because he didn't work there.
5 Second Fiction Ninety
They had the makings of a great super hero team but sadly all the good names were already under copyright.
5 Second Fiction Ninety One
He learned that not only was pro wrestling real but it was also how the nations of the world secretly resolved disputes.
5 Second Fiction Ninety Two
The question that haunted Agent Krump was why would gunfights erupt between gangs of Cryptozoologists and Furries?
5 Second Fiction Ninety Three
Possessed of an apocalyptic vision he built an ark in record time. When it started to snow his screams scared the animals.
5 Second Fiction Ninety Four
She left him overcome with passion. He left her wondering if she'd made a mistake.
5 Second Fiction Ninety Five
Of all his wife's birthmarks it was the one that resembled Elvis that disturbed Cliff the most. It seemed to stare at him.
5 Second Fiction Ninety Six
At first he hadn't been sure about wearing a cape but after his first spandex malfunction Captain Hero was glad of it
5 Second Fiction Ninety Seven
Psychotic Kid defended patriotism in a ninja costume made from an actual flag. If you mentioned the irony you got punched.
5 Second Fiction Ninety Eight
For Matrim revenge was easy, knowing when to stop wasn't a skill he ever bothered to learn.
5 Second Fiction Ninety Nine
He knew dozens of ways to take down an enemy; unfortunately none of them involved those little Styrofoam packing noodles.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred
The hot date ended when maggot-ridden zombies surrounded the car. They could see parasites by the dashboard light.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty One
In space no one can hear you scream so it was inevitable that someday the karaoke Olympics would be held on the moon.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Two
"Foolish monster!" Fuego said, "You may be able to conceal your tiger claws and jaguar teeth but you can't hide your lion eyes!"
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Three
Jeff's first day of lockup might have been better if hadn't pointed out his cellmate's swastika prison tat was backwards.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Four
The starship Persea's crew met with an alien race that used vulgar language as a powersource. Negotiations with them were lively.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Five
No one should have been surprised when Joe Aardvark had killed both his aunts.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Six
The Red Parthenon woke their daemon-children and they in turn drove men to madness. The Apocalypse had been outsourced.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Seven
Amazing Ed became a costumed avenger late in life but the rough and tumble lifestyle helped keep his kidney stones manageable.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Eight
The only thing Audra hated more than the persecution of witches was witches with persecution complexes.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Fifty Nine
All the guys visited the massage parlor for their 'Happy Endings', only a brave few opted for the 'Cathartic Finale'.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty
It wasn't that she was a hypochondriac it was just that every illness was one step closer to her last illness.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty One
Most of his adult life was spent collecting cats and memories, as he grew older he had a hard time keeping track of both.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Two
Daisy reeled at the news- her husband to be had run off with the caterer. She sure as Hell put a stop payment on that check.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Three
The police chased his car for almost an hour. He wouldn't stop until he reached the end of the audiobook.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Four
Finally at age 40 Sherrie realized why bad things happened to good people. God was too busy folding laundry.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Five
Time travel led to the discovery of parallel universes- which was a boon to swingers clubs. The term do-over gained new meaning.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Six
Gary had almost talked his way out of the speeding ticket when the patrolwoman realized he was staring at her mustache.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Seven
“It's not that I want the Albany division to perform better,” Bob said, “I just want to be able to do a half-assed job too.”
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Eight
The longer she drove the stranger the landscape became and while the voices on the radio became more familiar.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Sixty Nine
Working nights for meager pay in a bad neighborhood sure wasn't Cal's dream come true- but being a DJ in a strip club was.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy
It was his life's dream to become a cagefighter but he started small by getting into shoving matches in gazebos.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy One
They named the kitten 'Nacho' because he was pretty crunchy.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Two
Captain Hero had a hard time fighting Doomsday Girl- her costume was so sheer her could see her apocanips.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Three
Professor Lindquist only became a mad scientist because he had a thing for hunchbacked women.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Four
In a bold move Hollywood studios began to remake movies that were still in post production
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Five
His youth was an endless summer but middle age became a perpetual fall.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Six
By combining time machine technology with her snooze alarm she overslept every day but was never late for work again.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Seven
He'd been through the desert on a horse with no name- it was a rental.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Eight
Alone in the restroom Psychotic Kid fashioned crude armor out of duct tape and feminine napkins. The element of surprise was his.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Seventy Nine
“I've got too much on my mind right now.” he said.
Zeth pointed a pistol at his temple, “Then maybe this will clear your head.”
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty
That night at the drive in, he fumbled for her breast only to catch her nipple in his watchband. There was no second feature.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty One
It was a world where the 1970's never ended and Cleopatra Apocalypse was its savior.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Two
Stan wanted to create a cult of followers but an error at the printers ended up encouraging people to worship Satan instead.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Three
Jim found that while being a lobbyist didn't give instant access to coke and whores it did offer a substantial discount.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Four
Zuntar came to Earth to end all strife, 100 years later war broke out over whether he had been left handed or right handed.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Five
No one wants to hear fiendish laughter in the dentists' office.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Six
Future archaeologists would find Disneyland to be a complex tomb filled with deathtraps and shoddy souvenirs.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Seven
Then he realized that for men the childbirth was like warfare- long periods of boredom punctuated by moments of terror.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Eight
He understood that the female contortionist had the hots for him but he still couldn't wrap his head around it.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Eighty Nine
Fuego cornered Megaton Minotaur in a china shop. This, he realized, was going to get very ugly very fast.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety
All Gary wanted for his birthday was a lap dance- to his horror Aunt Gladys found out and was more than willing to comply.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety One
Grandpa died as he lived- screaming at Grandma to shut up.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Two
“I don't care what Amazing Ed thinks.” Captain Hero said, “Excessive nose hair is not a super power.”
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Three
Stirring gently he reached across the bed his hand settling on soft warmth. The dog had pooped on the bed again.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Four
Since Sam could sleep through anything, so there was a clear case on his nightstand that read 'IN CASE OF RAPTURE BREAK GLASS'.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Five
As far as Agent Krump was concerned having your gout inflamed by bad takeout food was an injury in the line of duty.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Six
If it was going to be just a standard employee meeting then why was the room soundproofed? And why was there plastic on the walls?
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Seven
A sickly few vampires had pledged to never feed but like all abstinence pledges it only led to frustration and bloodshed.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Eight
The shadows twisted with shapes familiar and unreal, she kept the covers drawn up to her chin praying for dawn.
5 Second Fiction One Hundred and Ninety Nine
Issac stayed close to the girls and they were glad of his company- even more so because he had taken a vow of silence.
5 Second Fiction Two Hundred
The dark bikini offset Erin's pale skin perfectly, but it was still the weirdest open casket funeral anyone had seen.