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Dealing with Difficult People;

How to deal with nasty customers, demanding bosses and uncooperative colleagues

Roberta Cava

Published by Cava Consulting

info@dealingwithdifficultpeople.info

http://www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info

Smashwords Edition

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ISBN 0 9580132 17

Everyone who has had to deal with irate, rude, impatient or aggressive people in the workplace will welcome this book. Dealing with Difficult People offers detailed, proven strategies for handling stressful situations calmly and professionally. Discover the root causes of poor communication and learn how to deal with the most common personality conflicts and improve your own people skills so that you work better with others.

Completely updated and revised, this international bestseller outlines proven techniques to help workers keep their cool in a variety of situations.

Dealing with Difficult People is an absolute must for anyone who wants to defuse tensions and resolve stressful situations.

Roberta Cava is the owner of Cava Consulting in Australia and has presented her seminars worldwide, including her most popular session: Dealing with Difficult People that has been presented to over 52,000 participants. She is the author of 20 books and will be writing more.

BOOKS BY ROBERTA CAVA

Dealing with Difficult People

(22 publishers – in 16 languages)

Dealing with Difficult Situations – at Work and at Home

Dealing with Difficult Spouses and Children

Dealing with Difficult Relatives and In-Laws

Dealing with Domestic Violence and Child Abuse

Dealing with School Bullying

Dealing with Workplace Bullying

What am I going to do with the rest of my life?

Before tying the knot – Questions couples Must ask each other Before they marry!

How Women can advance in business

Survival Skills for Supervisors and Managers

Human Resources at its Best!

Easy Come – Hard to go – The Art of Hiring, Disciplining and Firing Employees

Time and Stress – Today’s silent killers

Take Command of your Future – Make things Happen

Belly Laughs for All! – Volumes 1 and 2

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

My gratitude is extended to the thousands of participants of my seminars who have contributed ideas on how they handled their difficult people. Special thanks go to Tim Field (in the UK) through his website “Bully OnLine” Beyond Bullying Association and Dr Sam Samenow for their input into the workplace bullying chapter, and to the Alberta Government Telephones who let me to quote directly from several of their brochures.

Thanks to my mother Mabel Hastie who taught me patience and stick-to-itiveness, and to my daughter Michele who tolerated my many hours of isolation this book demanded of me.

DEDICATION

Dedicated to those seminar participants who have had to deal with difficult people and have passed on their ideas so others might benefit from their experience.

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Table of contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Understanding Behaviour and its

effects

What is a difficult person?

Do your moods control you?

Negative feelings

Angry feelings

Hurt feelings

Revenge

Guilt

If only.... I should have....

The positive approach

Ways people deal with negative feelings

Logic vs. emotion: the analytical approach

Analysing stress

Are you a workaholic?

Techniques for reducing negative stress

The way to win arguments

Agree to disagree

Being constructive

Accepting compliments

What kind of person are you?

Personality types

How to work with other personality types

Introvert & extrovert personality types

Approaches to conflict resolution

Styles of behaviour and their effects

Passive/aggressive/assertive people feel

about themselves

Consequences of these behaviour styles

Chapter 2 - Dealing with Manipulators

Passive manipulators

Passive-resistant Manipulators

Indirect Aggressive Manipulators

Passive-Aggressive Manipulators

Other Manipulators

Chapter 3 -Basic Communication Skills

Paraphrasing

Using paraphrasing in training others

Sensory language

Different interpretation of words

Male and female interpretations

Feedback

Process of feedback

Feedback steps

Using feedback with very difficult people

Listening

Kinds of bad listeners

Blocks to effective listening

How do you rate as a listener?

Qualities of a good listener

Speaking

How do you rate as a speaker?

Avoiding ambiguous messages

Understanding non-verbal signals

Space bubbles

Eye contact

Arguments

Chapter 4 - Dealing with Difficult Clients

General principles and techniques

Customer service

Dealing with language barriers

Dealing with persistent people

The stuck record

Using the stuck record technique

Dealing with frustrated clients

Dealing with angry clients

Correcting your own mistakes

Using the telephone

Telephone etiquette

Telephone responses

Using common sense and good manners

Special situations

Government offices

Doctor’s offices

Restaurants and hotels

Recreational facilities

Services to the elderly

Clients with disabilities

Other supervisory problems

Conclusion - Are you ready for success?

Bibliography

INTRODUCTION

Do you have to deal with irate, rude, impatient, emotional, persistent or aggressive people? Do you come home from work stressed out from having had to deal with difficult people all day? If so, reading this book will enable you to control your moods by not allowing others to give you negative feelings. You’ll learn how to control your anger and stress levels and obtain a psychological edge by improving your people skills.

Businesses (especially those offering services) are learning the importance of having employees who are capable of handling all types of difficult people and situations. Employees who succeed in this area are in great demand.

Difficult people are the ones who try to:

Make us lose our cool;

Force us to do things we don’t want to do;

Prevent us from doing what we want or need to do;

Often use coercion, manipulation or other underhanded methods to get their way;

Make us feel guilty if we don’t go along with their wishes;

Make us feel anxious, upset, frustrated, angry, depressed, jealous, inferior, defeated, or any other negative feeling;

Make us do their share of the work.

Knowing techniques that work for dealing with difficult people and situations can boost your confidence, improve your competence at work, reduce stress and anxiety and increase your enthusiasm for your job.

You’ll experience a feeling of accomplishment when you handle difficult situations well. You employer, co-workers and staff will trust and rely on you, will admire and like you, will think twice before pushing you around and will be more willing to try to please you.

How do I know that the techniques outlined in this e-book really work? Because more than 52,000 participants have attended my seminar and have given their input. Many took the time to write to me with examples of how they dealt with particularly difficult situations. These contributions are scattered throughout the book. I endorse every technique described here and use them regularly. Not only do I handle difficult situations better, but also I’ve gained control of my reactions to negative situations. So can you!

CHAPTER ONE

UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR

AND ITS EFFECTS

Question: What is a difficult person?

Answer: A person whose behaviour causes difficulties – for you and for others. Dealing with difficult people simply means dealing with difficult behaviour. Or could your actions or behaviour contribute to the other person’s difficult behaviour?

This book is about the interaction between you and others, and specifically with customers, bosses, your staff and colleagues. Interaction is a two-way street. You react to a person; the person reacts to you. We may not be able to control other people’s behaviour directly, but by learning how to manage our own behaviour and developing techniques for communicating effectively, we can influence other people in a positive way. We can turn their (and our own) difficult behaviour into civilised, constructive behaviour. This allows all of us to think well of ourselves.

Learning how to deal with difficult people involves learning how to manage your side of a two-way transaction. This gives the other person a chance to work with you to resolve whatever is making him or her difficult.

When we encounter a difficult person, many of us react in ways that make the problem worse - for instance, by making a sharp retort, by becoming defensive rather than attempting to deal with the real issue, by taking the person’s anger personally. These natural but counterproductive responses reduce our chances of transforming a negative encounter into a constructive one.

For example, many times, when you are dealing with people who are irritable, rude, impatient or angry, you’re not in a position to yell back. This is especially true if you work on the front lines for your company and run into difficult people either on the phone or in person. Or you are the front-line personnel’s supervisor and you get the really difficult people! You can control your negative reaction if you mentally refuse to accept the negatives they’re throwing at you.

Suppose that a client starts to shout at you, really takes a strip off you for something that wasn’t your fault. What would your natural reaction be?

You defend yourself or your company

Most of us respond this way. The client attacked you verbally, which triggered your defence mechanism. This response is instinctive, as natural for you as breathing. When you respond defensively, does it usually solve anything? Not likely. Is this going to satisfy the customer? Not likely. You could end up in a shouting match, resulting in negative feelings in each party. This is a lose - lose situation.

You’re furious at the client’s behaviour, but grit your teeth and concentrate on solving the problem.

Even though you don’t show it on the outside, inside you’re seething. If you absorb their anger, it will have to be removed later. Some bark at the next person they see, drive like a maniac on the way home from work, or go home and kick the dog or yell at the children. Remember, you choose whether to accept the person’s anger or not.

You’ve allowed the situation to get to you. This is also a negative response - in this case, for you. Stop for a moment and ask yourself, ‘What is the client angry at - me or the situation?’ In most cases, you’ll find it’s the situation. You happen to be there, so you become the recipient of the client’s frustration and anger.

Before responding, you take time to recognize that the client is angry at the situation, not you. Therefore, there is no need for you to defend yourself.This last solution works best. You accomplish this by stopping your defence mechanism from kicking in. It’s easier to do this than you think. It takes practice - but you can do it if you set your mind to it! As soon as you feel yourself getting uptight and feel the need to defend yourself, stop and analyse the situation. The customer is upset at your company or the situation - not at you. There is absolutely no need for you to defend yourself. Instead, you can concentrate on solving the client’s problem. The client ends up happy and so do you - a win - win situation.

You choose the correct approach by concentrating on the client’s problem, rather than your own feelings. You accomplish this by:

Taking notes while the person is talking;

Using paraphrasing to be sure that you understand the person’s problem. This proves that you have been listening to what s/he is saying;

Asking questions.

Passing the buck, saying you’re not responsible, or defending your company is not the answer. The customer doesn’t care whether the mistake is yours or someone else’s; s/he just wants you to remove the problem. You’ll stay calmer if you don’t take a defensive stance. Usually, when you’ve solved the problem, the client will say, ‘I’m sorry I shouted at you.’

Do Your Moods Control You?

Do you have mood swings that affect what kind of day you have? Are you up one day, down the next; up one hour, down the next? Many times this depends on what’s happening around you - somebody snarls at you or gives you a mountainous job to do. You think, ‘Oh God, give me strength!’ It’s the little annoyances that can ruin your day, so if you can handle them constructively, you’re certainly ahead of the game.

Before you can tackle difficult people, it’s essential that you have your own act together. Think of the last time you didn’t feel in control during a trying situation. What happened to your self-esteem level? Most people find that their feeling of self-worth plummets after these kinds of encounters, so staying in control during difficult situations is essential for good mental health.

One way that can help you identify these kinds of situations is to be aware of the physical reactions happening to your body. The ‘fight-or-flight’ syndrome kicks in whenever we encounter a difficult situation. Physical signs may include:

* tense muscles;

* gritted teeth or a clenched jaw;

* rapid pulse;

* a pounding heart;

* increased perspiration;

* shortness of breath;

* a rise in blood pressure;

* clammy skin;

* cold hands and feet; and

* rapid breathing.

Whenever you identify these signs in yourself, stop for a second and ask yourself: ‘Am I reacting correctly, or am I overreacting to this situation?’ You’ll find in about eight out of ten situations you’ve overreacted - given someone else control over the situation.

Too often, we let others control how we feel about ourselves. We allow them to give us good or bad days. We can attempt to change others’ behaviour, but that might not happen. However, we do have control over how we react to their behaviour. My life changed when I realised that I could choose how I reacted when confronted with difficult situations. I could either take the bad feelings being handed to me by others or simply not take them. When I learned this simple technique, I found I had far more control over my everyday moods. Gone were the roller-coaster mood swings of the past. Other people didn’t decide what kind of day I’d have - I did! You, too, can have this control. Mind you, there will be exceptions to this, but many moods and reactions you can control. If you control the little difficulties, you’re better equipped to handle the really big ones.

Angry Feelings

Picture this scene: You’re driving to work, feeling pretty good about yourself and life. Suddenly, a car swerves in front of you, nearly causing a collision. You slam on the brakes (everything on the front seat goes flying) and hope for the best. You car stops centimetres from the offending car. You peel yourself off the steering wheel, scrunch over to pick things up off the floor and look for the car that cut you off. It has disappeared.

What’s your first reaction - to rant and rave about rotten drivers? How long do you stay mad at the driver of the other car? And what good does it do? I’ve seen people stay at fever pitch for hours, relating their experience to anyone who will listen.

When the car cut you off, you had two choices: you could stay upset about it, or admit you were in an emergency situation that you handled well, and continue calmly driving to work.

If you chose to remain upset, you can’t blame the other driver for it. What you do after something negative happens to you is your decision, not the other person’s. If you allow someone else to upset you, you’ve made the wrong choice.

Hurt Feelings

How do you react when a close friend or colleague says something that hurts your feelings? Do you withdraw into yourself and mull over the situation for a couple of weeks before you deal with it? Possibly the only thing that breaks the ice between you and that person is that s/he notices your reaction and say, ‘What’s wrong? You’re so quiet.’ You may or may not honestly explain about the comment that hurt your feelings. Instead of spending this time in misery, learn to:

1. Immediately identify that you’re hurt;

2. Right away, talk with the person who gave you the bad feeling.

Depending on your personality, your response may range from, ‘That last comment was below the belt. Can you tell me why you made such a comment?’ Or, ‘That comment hurt my feelings - did you mean it the way I heard it?’

Revenge

Someone has done something really awful to you, and you don’t care how long it takes you, but you’re going to pay him or her back! You know what this is - revenge.

It feels good when we can pay someone back for a misdeed, but if you can’t do so within a reasonable amount of time, let it go. If you analyse this situation, you’ll realise that the other person has control over your life the entire time you’re planning your revenge. In the meantime, you can’t get on with your life and do constructive things. I’ve witnessed divorced people still planning revenge ten years after their divorce. What a waste of energy! I’ve also discovered that if you let it go and observe, you’ll find that ‘what comes around goes around’, and the person is paid back for their misdeed without you having to waste your valuable energy.

If Only.... I Should Have....

Do you spend your time wailing, ‘If only I’d . . .’ or ‘I should have . . .?’ What a waste of your life! Instead, concentrate on the present and the future - not the past.

Guilt

We live in a guilt-ridden society. Others take glee in pointing out our faults. My philosophy is that if you’ve done your best, that’s all you can expect of yourself. If you didn’t succeed at something, you haven’t failed - you’ve learned something.

Do you feel guilty if you’ve made a mistake? Did you give your best effort? If so, the best way of dealing with your own mistakes (especially if someone else points them out) is to say, ‘You’re right – I did make a mistake. It won’t happen again.’ So don’t feel guilty if you’ve made a mistake. Instead, learn from it and don’t do it again.

Here’s another example. You’ve worked very hard completing an assignment and you’re proud of your accomplishment. You wait … and wait for some kind of recognition from your supervisor. Is it likely to come? In many instances - no. You’re more likely to hear about the small portion of the assignment you did wrong.

In addition to this, you’re probably your own worst critic. There’s a little twerp in us all who is forever criticising us. It says such things as, ‘you goofed again! Can’t you do anything right?’

Learn to stop criticising yourself and start giving yourself positive reinforcement. If you’ve done a good job, mentally pat yourself on the back with such thoughts as, “I’m really proud of how I did that job.’ Don’t count on others to do this. If they do, think of their praise as ‘gravy’ – but you don’t need gravy on the potatoes every night, do you? Too much praise can make you swollen-headed. The person you should be trying to please is yourself. Never compete against the record of someone else. Just improve your own record of accomplishments.

The next time something like this happens to you, don’t accept the negative feelings it causes. This takes hard, concentrated effort on your part. Practise this skill until you automatically respond the way you want to. You may find yourself slipping back into your old defensive or retaliatory ways, but keep at it. If you do, you’ll be able to keep your cool more often when under fire.

Negative Feelings

Whenever you’re having any strong negative feeling, stop to examine whether or not the feeling is realistic. Every day we’re bombarded with negative situations. Examine the list below and determine which of these feelings you have not felt in the past month:

Angry; embarrassed; dubm; hurt; intimidated; suspicious; guilty; rejected; troubled; anxious; nervous; uneasy; depressed; distressed; tense; frustrated; concerned; upset; ignored; flustered; emotional; disappointed; humiliated; worried; ashamed; resentful; agitated; jealous; restricted; remorseful; inferior; stupid; offended; insecure; sad; or hindered?

Is there any wonder why many people have become negative-thinking people? So watch for the physical signs (which you will likely have when faced with people trying to make you feel any of the above), and ask yourself whether you’re overreacting. If you’ve determined that the feeling is not realistic, you’ve overreacted. This could be ten minutes after the negative situation happened. Turn off your negative reaction - let it go! If you find your mind constantly returning to these negative situations, remind yourself that you’re giving someone else control over your life - and don’t do it!

The positive approach

I’m sure there have been times when you’ve had a bad day where everything’s gone wrong. You wish you could go back to bed (and it’s only 10 a.m.). How you react to this kind of day often determines its outcome. Most people respond by saying ‘Oh Boy, it’s going to be ohne of those days!’ They expect the rest of the day to be bad, and, of course it is!

After three or four things have gone wrong in the day, have a talk with yourself. Instead of saying, ‘It’s going to be one of those days,’ say, ‘Thank goodness I got that over with.’ What you’re doing is telling yourself that the rest of the day is going to be better. Try changing to a positive attitude when you’re having a bad day and see if it doesn’t turn things around.

Ways people deal with negative feelings

Many people believe (incorrectly) that bad emotions are always dangerous and powerful. If they express these feelings openly, they tell themselves, they’ll lose someone’s love or provoke people’s anger, boredom or dislike. They can’t accept, either, that wanting to be liked by everybody all the time is an unrealistic goal.

On the other side of the scale other people believe (also incorrectly) that it’s ‘unhealthy’ or ‘dishonest’ to try to control how they express their feelings. They believe they have the right to let people know how they feel in any manner they choose; no matter what the circumstances - or the consequences.

To summarise, most people believe there are only two things they can do with their bad emotions: (a) repress them or (b) express them in the form in which they experienced them - that is, negatively. Most of us are also aware that both ways can be pretty destructive.

Temper tantrums. These are childish, inappropriate, and uncontrolled expressions of anger that can be triggered by anything - some trivial current event or something that took place long ago that the person has stewed about for years. People who are prone to temper tantrums may deal with minor irritations of day-to-day life by saying nothing at the time, then, when a chance remark acts as a trigger, they can erupt in a red flash of rage and lash out at the nearest person. This fury has unfortunate consequences; the person feels terrible and others are alienated. This person needs professional anger management.

Sulking. Sulkers are ready to show they’re in a bad mood but refuse to explain why. The ‘silent treatment’ and ‘acting hurt’ are variants of sulking.

Sarcasm. People who resort to sarcasm to express negative emotions are usually reluctant to confront the cause of their bad mood directly.

Logic versus emotion: the analytical approach

If negative emotions go in, they have to get out somehow. We have seen some of the instinctive ways people deal with them. Most of these instinctive and/or impulsive reactions have negative consequences. The challenge is to find ways to deal with negative emotions constructively.

Two forces - logic and emotion - are at work throughout our lives. Often they push and pull in opposite directions. The one that prevails at any particular time will determine how we get along with others and may affect our level of achievement. We all know it’s easy to respond to situations with emotions rather than logic, but responding logically helps us deal constructively with difficult circumstances.

If it does not come naturally to you to behave logically under stress, don’t be discouraged. The ability to use logic to resolve conflicts and problems can be developed. The first step is to gain some insight into the nature of the difficulty. You can do this by analysing the situation, your feelings and your behaviour. Armed with information from this analysis, you can then learn to take charge of your reactions instead of letting your instincts control you.

Here are two examples that show how the analytical approach could be useful.

Suppose you feel depressed for no other reason than because it’s a Monday morning. Do you phone in sick, or do you try to figure out what’s wrong? When you analyse your reactions, you realise that you regularly have an upper on Friday afternoon and a downer on Monday morning. You may be one of the 80 per cent of employed people who are in the wrong job. Do you let that depress you further, or do you do the logical thing and seriously consider looking for suitable employment?

When you consider that most of us spend ten hours a day, five days a week either getting ready for, travelling to, or in the workplace, it’s a shame that people don’t spend more energy deciding what they would like to do with their lives. If you find yourself in the wrong job or occupation and decide to look for something you enjoy more, you could start by contacting a vocational guidance centre (they are listed in the telephone book).

Suppose you are under pressure to finish a job by 2:00 p.m., when your supervisor suddenly gives you an extra batch of work. Because your supervisor often does this, you find you regularly have difficulty completing your allocated work on time. This makes you feel inadequate. On the other hand, you don’t want to annoy your supervisor and end up at 2:00 p.m. having to say, ‘I’m sorry, I haven’t finished it yet?’ Or do you say, ‘I won’t have time to complete this and the Jones report by 2:00 p.m. Which would you rather I do?’

In the first case, your supervisor is angry with you anyway, because, by not speaking up, you prevented her from making other arrangements for completing the report. You then complain saying, ‘My job makes me feel that I’m under a lot of pressure.’

In the second case, your analysis of such situations has made you realise that it is your supervisor’s responsibility to help you make priorities. To ensure she can do this effectively, you make sure you have a good idea of your present workload. Perhaps you have taken a time-management course to help you choose your priorities. You keep ‘to do’ lists, so you know exactly how much you can handle in a day, and you are careful to keep your supervisor informed of your workload.

Analysing stress

Certain physical and behavioural symptoms are associated with stress. Besides those flight-or-fight symptoms mentioned earlier, stress shows its pressure through:

- Heightened sensitivity to noise

- ‘Racing’ thoughts

- Impatience

- Restlessness

- Sudden rages

- Bouts of laughing or weeping.

In some cases depression and apathy may also be reactions to stress. Not all stress is bad. The heightened emotions and physical symptoms associated with stress can occur in response to pleasurable or exciting events - such as being promoted or being in love. It’s not stress in itself that’s the problem, then, but negative stress - the kind that produces distress.

For example, most people assume that workaholics are unhappy, but that’s not always true. There are two basic kinds of workaholic. There are those who love their jobs and work hard and long because they receive pleasure from doing so. They’re under stress but seldom suffer from distress. Other workaholics are motivated not by enthusiasm but by such things as:

- Competitive feelings;

- Job pressures;

- Budget cuts;

- Family or relationship problems;

- Financial problems.

Their stress becomes distress and they suffer because of it. We all know these people. They:

-Work all the time, often bringing work home

in the evenings and on weekends - but are

resentful about it;

- Suffer from nervous disorders;

- Don’t eat or exercise properly;

- Never take time off from work when they’re

ill (they’re the ones who pass on the flu bug

to the rest of the staff because they come in

when they shouldn’t);

- Seldom spend time with the family;

- Don’t know how to relax, or play or simply

do nothing. (They often use competitive

sports ‘to relax.’)

If you suspect you’re a workaholic, the following questionnaire may give you further insight into whether your work is a source of positive or negative stress:

Are you a workaholic?

(Answer Yes or No.)

Part A

1. Are you always punctual for appointments?

2. Are you more comfortable when you’re productive than idle?

3. Do you carefully organise your hobbies?

4. When you participate in recreational activities, is it mainly with work associates?

5. Even under pressure, do you usually take the extra time to make sure you have all the facts before you make a decision?

6. Are most of your friends in the same line of work as you?

7. Is most of your reading work-related?

8. Do you work late more frequently than your peers?

9. Do you talk shop over coffee or cocktails on social occasions?

10. Do your dreams centre on work – or family-related conflicts?

11. Do you play as hard as you work?

12. Do you become restless on holiday?

13. Do your spouse and friends think of you as an easygoing person?

If you answered yes to the first twelve questions and no to question 13, you’re a workaholic all right; but keep in mind that this is not bad unless it’s causing you distress. To find out if your workaholism is a source of negative stress, answer the questions in Part B.

Part B:

14. Do you seem to communicate better with your co-workers than your spouse (or best friend)?

15. Are you better able to relax on Saturdays than on Sunday afternoon?

16. Do you take your work to bed with you when you’re home ill?

17. Are you usually annoyed when others keep you waiting?

18. Do you wake up in the night worrying about business or family problems?

19. In your competitive sports do you occasionally see your supervisor’s face on the ball?

20. Is work sometimes a way of avoiding close relationships?

21. Do you usually plan every step of the itinerary of a trip in advance and become uncomfortable is plans go awry?

22. Do you enjoy small talk at a cocktail party or reception?

If you answered yes to questions 14 through 21 and no to question 22, you’re probably not enjoying your long, hard hours of work. If your distress keeps up long enough, the almost inevitable result will be burnout. To check for signs of burnout, ask yourself the following questions.

Do I

Feel down or depressed most of the time?

Feel tired most of the time?

Have trouble eating and sleeping properly?

Feel there’s no hope for improvement in my circumstances?

Complain constantly?

Feel that no one cares?

Feel upset, frustrated or angry most of the time?

Experience feelings of intense pressure and competition at work?

Feel that no matter what I do it won’t be enough?

Fear that I’m going under any day now?

Stress becomes distress when we’ve been under pressure too long or the pressures in life become overwhelming. The first step in dealing with distress is to analyse all the sources of stress in your life to determine first, which sources are positive and which are negative, and second, which sources you can do something about, and which you can’t change. To do this, go through the following exercise as accurately as you can. Write down your answers; don’t just go through the exercise mentally.

1. On a sheet of paper, list everything that’s causing you stress. (Leave space between each stressor.) Try to give at least five stressors.

2. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest) determine the stress level of each stressor.

3.Determine if the stressor is positive (a wedding, a promotion, a new baby, a new job) or negative (rudeness, driving in rush-hour traffic).

4. Put down the feelings you have in the stressful situation (anger, frustration, happiness, fear) next to each stressor.

5. Identify which part of your life is most affected by each negative stressor (family, social, business/work).

6. Then for each stressor determine whether:

a) You do have the power to alleviate the problem. Put the word ‘do’ next to the item; or:

b) You don’t have the power to change the situation. It’s beyond your control - there’s nothing you can do about it. Put the word ‘don’t’ next to the item.

Techniques for Reducing Negative Stress

Once you have identified the negative sources of stress in your life and have determined which of them you could do something about, you’re well on the way to obtaining relief from the worst pressures.

Two more steps should then follow your analysis:

1. If you don’t have the power to do something about a negative source of stress, forget about it. Mentally throw the problem away and don’t waste any more precious energy thinking about it.

2. If you do have the power to change the situation, think about what you are going to do about it. Draw up a plan of action.

These steps put the ‘Serenity Prayer’ (written by Reinhold Niebuhr) into practice:

‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.’

One of my seminar participants identified the following problem that involved road rage: ‘My personal annoyance is rush-hour traffic. Almost every day, I get into a bad mood watching the stupid things other drivers do.’

This is probably one of the things in your life that you have no control over. What you do have control over is your reaction to it. Drive defensively. Remind yourself not to get upset. Use your favourite radio station or play a tape you enjoy. You might consider travelling earlier or later to miss traffic jams.

The Way to Win Arguments

Nobody likes to lose an argument. Here are clues to how you might win your next one:

1. Ask for time to think things over. Then both of you can take this opportunity to calm down.

2. ay attention to your body’s reaction. Has the fight-or-flight reaction been triggered? Take a deep breath to increase your oxygen intake to your brain so it can analyse your situation more clearly.

3. Don’t snap back at the person. You may regret a fast retort, which may have lasting repercussions.

4. Determine what it is you want that you’re not getting? Should you be willing to negotiate more - to give in a little so you can both win?

5. If the other person has ‘lost it,’ don’t negotiate until s/he’s calmed down. A quiet manner is always your best approach.

6. Wait until s/he’s willing to listen to your side of the story. Make sure you’re listening carefully to his/her side of the story.

7. Make sure s/he knows you’re listening. Use paraphrasing on a regular basis to confirm that what s/he’s said is what you heard.

8. S/he doesn’t seem to be listening to what you have to say. Insist that s/he does. Say, “I’ve made a point of listening carefully to what you have to say. Can I count on you to do the same for me?’

9. Ask, ‘What do you want me to do?’ Clarify that you know what s/he wants. Listen to his/her answer and confirm or correct.

10. State what you want, clearly and sequentially. Again, be willing to negotiate.

11. When an agreement is reached, summarise the agreement and go over pertinent areas again to re-confirm your understanding.

Agree to Disagree

There are times when you’ll find yourself in a conversation with others and recognise that you’re on opposite sides of the issue. For instance: abortion, gun control, politics, religion and euthanasia. Neither of you will budge an inch and both parties become more and more upset because the other can’t see things from their perspective.

This is especially trying for people who have great respect and admiration for each other. It’s important to recognise that no two people (no matter how close they are) can think the same way about every issue in life. They are not traitors (as each might feel the other is) should they have differing views.

Whenever you find yourself in this kind of situation say, ‘You’re entitled to your opinion and so am I. It’s obvious that we’re never going to agree on this issue, so let’s agree to disagree, and not talk about this in the future.’ If the person insists on continuing with the argument, refuse to participate in the discussion. If s/he brings the issue up later, remind him/her that you will not budge in your opinion, so it’s unwise to get hearted up about the issue again.

Being Constructive

Of course it is sometimes necessary to discuss people’s mistakes - in other words, to criticise them. Criticism can be either destructive - making the person feel worthless - or constructive - offering specific suggestions for improvement. When criticising others, always correct the person’s behaviour. Don’t give them labels such as dumb, stupid, lazy, sloppy, ignorant, or uncaring. People don’t know how to improve these things, and using such terms just brings out retaliation in the person receiving the comment.

Think about the last rip-snorting argument you had with someone. Did you label the person, or did you play fair and discuss the person’s behaviour?

For example, you could say: ‘John, you didn’t spend much time preparing your report, did you? It turned out to be useless, and I had to do it over again.’ That’s discussing his behaviour and giving him specific information about how he can change it.

In an argument, if you found yourself labelling someone, please apologise to him or her. Say, “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. What I meant to say was . . ..’ You then discuss the behaviour that offended you.

If people label you, ask for specific reasons why they have given you the label. Remember, you have the choice of accepting or not accepting the criticism.

We can decide not to allow people to hurt us. A co-worker may betray us, gossip about us, or try to make us feel guilty. It’s not easy to forgive this behaviour. We may feel that we’re letting ourselves down if we forgive others too easily. We may feel we should wait for them to do something to mend the rift. We may be tempted to dwell to an unhealthy extent on the injury we feel they have done us.

In many cases, however, forgiving is the only thing that will mend and heal. Forgiving can actually lead to a renewed relationship. You may say, ‘That’s easy for you to say! Your co-worker didn’t gossip behind your back and pass on untrue information about you.”

Here’s what you can do to mend the rift. Stop pretending that you like the person. Acknowledge to yourself that you are angry, and examine why. Then be direct with the other person, telling him or her frankly what has offended you. Keep in mind, however, that the person is only human, and that we all make mistakes. Then make a conscious decision to forgive and forget. (You have to mean it.) Once you have forgiven the person, you can get on with your life.

Many people don’t agree with this approach. They believe that forgiving wrongdoers just lets them off the hook - it’s too easy on the wrongdoer. Anger and hate use up energy that should be spent positively on picking up the pieces.

I found that I could get on with my life when I forgave others for injuries done to me. Ironically, in my case, all these people have subsequently had problems resulting directly from their own hurtful behaviour. For instance, one boss I had was afraid that I might be after his job. He made my life a living hell for months, which caused terrible stress and health problems for me. I finally had to admit defeat and look for work elsewhere. That man is now bouncing from one job to another, each at a lower level than the one before. He leaves behind a string of former co-workers who despise him.

Accepting compliments

Many of us have difficulty receiving compliments graciously. We discount or refuse to accept them with such comments as, ‘Oh, I could have done better’, or ’This old rag?’

If you don’t accept compliments graciously, what are you telling the person giving you the compliment? You are implying that s/he is insincere, has poor judgement or even worse - is lying. You repaid a warm-fuzzy (a good feeling) with a cold-prickly (a bad feeling). Remember this the next time you discount a compliment.

What Kind of Person are You?

Before we learn how to deal with difficult people, it's important for you to identify not only your personality style, but also that of your difficult people. We can change how we deal with others, so we’ll be more on their “wave length” and can match their particular communication needs. We’re all a mixture of these four personality types, but one should match more clearly than the others. To do this:

From the information given below, (reading only the strengths and descriptions below each type) choose the personality type closest to your behaviour pattern. This will require you to look inside yourself to determine what you actually feel and do in "real life."

Personality Types

We are all a mixture of the following types, but one will fit you better than others will. It's now time to choose which one suits your personality the best:

Your Strengths

Type A:

Strengths:

Direct; outgoing; up-front; stimulating; people skilled; persuasive; risk-taker; persuasive; risk-taker; competitive and self-assured.

These people are spontaneous, often employed in sales, are people-people - they want respect from others. Others may feel they’re aggressively competitive in their pursuit of what they want. They dislike people who lack enthusiasm, keep them waiting, are indecisive or rigid, or those who go by the book. They love attention, a sense of achievement, and crave recognition, adventure and excitement.

Type B:

Strengths:

Practical; ambitious; efficient; methodical; direct; results-oriented; conventional; resolute; determined; organised and dependable.

These people make good entrepreneurs and directors. They like to direct and take charge of things. They’re task-oriented, and must always win. They hate emotional people, ambiguity, disrespect and laziness in others. They like others to be controlled, loyal, to keep a fast pace, and like responsibility.

Type C:

Strengths:

Team-oriented; warm; faithful; enthusiastic; cooperative; approachable; trusting; sensitive; good listener; good friend; likes change; outgoing and ambassador.

These people are often in the service industry (hospitality, health care, transportation, social services) because they have a strong desire to help others. They hold in stress and store it away - seldom putting themselves first. They’re protective of the underdog, want everyone to love them, and are often passive in their behaviour. They dislike insensitive, argumentative, insincere or egotistical people. They like others who are warm, kind and caring.

Type D:

Strengths:

Rigid; meticulous; accurate; inhibited; painstaking; sensible; serene; high standards; avoids risks.

These are more detail-oriented than people-people. They enjoy working alone, often in accounting, technical, or engineering fields. They dislike people who are fakes, overly assertive, careless or arrogant. They like those who are perfectionists, consistent, informed, practical, good workers, are easy to get along with.

Your weaknesses:

Now look at the weaknesses of your chosen personality type. These are typical weaknesses for the types of personalities and can make YOU a difficult person to others. You may have eliminated many of these negative traits, but you’ll likely recognise many that you’ll need to work on.

Type A:

Weaknesses:

Browbeater; domineering; restless; impatient; pushy; manipulative; grating; reactive and controlling.

Type B:

Weaknesses:

Uncaring; critical; frugal; unyielding; aloof; uncompromising; distant; insistent; stubborn; inflexible and inaccessible.

Type C:

Weaknesses:

Too empathetic; indecisive; unreasonable; defenceless; wishy-washy; subjective; hesitant; irrational; vulnerable; pushover; passive; pleases others and walked-on.

Type D:

Weaknesses:

Procrastinates; perfectionist; unsociable; uninteresting; brooding; bashful; passive; hates change and monotonous.

Do everything you can to try to correct the weaknesses you have that make you a difficult person to others.

Dealing with your Difficult People

Then analyse the information to determine the personality of your difficult people. This requires a high degree of empathy - you'll have to place yourself in their shoes to come up with an accurate analysis of your difficult people.

List your difficult people giving their name. Then determine their personality type from the earlier information.

Next determine what adjustments you should take to adapt your communication style to make it more in tune with that of your difficult people. (To do this, you have to be willing to adapt your personality style to come closer to theirs. Remember you likely can't change their behaviour, but you can change your reaction to their behaviour.)

How to work with other personality types

If you’re in a working or personal relationship with someone of these types, here are a few things that may be helpful to remember:

A Type

Give praise, credit and recognition regularly.

Be sociable with them.

Treat them as if what they’re doing is

important.

Encourage them to use their creative abilities.

If they’re hyperactive, re-channel their

energies - help them choose priorities.

B Type

Give them as much control as possible.

Give loose supervision - lots of rope.

Make them feel important.

Utilize their efficient, practical and ambitious

nature.

Use their organisational abilities.

Respect their conventional values and

methods.

Be flexible in accepting their way of doing

things.

C Type

Don’t get upset with their need to have

everyone like them.

Treat others even more fairly when in their

presence.

Be up-front in your dealings with them.

Give them opportunities to mingle with

others.

Have patience with their indecisive behaviour.

D Type

Listen to their ideas.

Help them set deadlines.

Give them room to do the job their way.

Use logic and facts in discussions.

Show respect.

If your supervisor or manager is from one of these types, consider these guidelines:

A Type

Be sociable with them.

Give them lots of credit.

Help them interact with others.

Help them see things in a realistic light.

Show enthusiasm and excitement.

Be up-front in communication.

Feed their ego.

Be open and friendly.

Be outgoing, not shy with them.

B Type

Document everything.

Be results-oriented.

Respect their authority.

Give them challenges.

Follow rules and regulations.

Be punctual. Keep to the point.

Be a buffer between them and other

employees.

Help them see alternative ways of doing

things.

C Type

Show you’re interested in them and what they

do.

Offer support.

Express thoughts and ideas freely.

Be a team player, willing to compromise.

Help communicate with others.

Set your own objectives and complete them.

D Type

Give detailed hard facts and data.

Acknowledge their proficiency.

Be consistent.

Document ideas, giving facts to back them up.

Offer new ideas and approaches.

Look at the “Working with Type As, Bs, Cs and Ds” and see how you could get along better with others. It’s often impossible to get others to adapt their personality to match ours, so it’s up to us to try to adapt to theirs.

How could you improve your communication with them?

Introvert and Extrovert Personality Types

It’s important to analyse where your difficult people fit in relation to their wants, needs and desires. Analyse your difficult person - see how you can more effectively deal with their difficult behaviour by evaluating where they fit in the following three categories:

Extreme introvert: This is an extremely careful person, is contemplative and analytical, leans toward perfectionism, and can work doggedly at detailed work. Introverts tend to be a ‘cerebral’ type of person concerned with affairs of the mind rather than a lot of physical activity.

Extreme extrovert: This person is more action-oriented, prefers to get started quickly, deciding on details along the way (or ignoring them altogether, thinking someone else will take care of them). Extroverts may get many things started, but leave some details unfinished.

Combination introvert/extrovert: This person combines some attributes of both the introvert and the extrovert and is a balance of the two extremes. Their individual actions would tell you which phase they are in at that time.

Common ways extreme Introverts feel and behave:

Don’t like to lend things to others. They’ll do it, but with much hesitancy and caution.

Would rather make a report in writing than give it verbally.

Can be very blunt and straightforward.

Are more reserved in their laughter or other displays of feelings and emotion.

Are very careful with their personal possessions. Keep things looking nice and in good order.

Are slow in action and decision-making.

Considered perfectionists by many. Write and rewrite until everything’s perfect.

Become embarrassed quite easily.

Considered perfectionists by many. Write and rewrite until everything’s perfect.

Are chronic worriers.

Are quite concerned and deliberate about most routine decisions.

Are very sensitive about comments made about them.

Resent autocratic commands from others.

Can be extreme in religion, politics and other social issues.

Tend to struggle alone with problems.

Quite comfortable working alone, rather than as a member of a team.

Enjoy and need praise and recognition, but won’t ask for it.

Tend to be suspicions.

Are more moody than a strong extrovert.

Enjoy work requiring precision and attention to detail.

Prefer intellectual pursuits.

Daydream a lot and think about what might have been or what is yet to come.

Are extremely conscientious and berate themselves for less than perfect performances.

Common ways extreme Extroverts

feel and behave:

Lend money and possessions readily.

Fluent talkers; can give reports better orally than in writing.

Usually careful not to hurt others’ feelings, and want to be liked by others.

Laugh readily.

Don’t take care of personal possessions.

Make decisions quickly.

Are quick in their actions. Seldom rewrite letters or give attention to detail.

Hard to embarrass.

Are quick in their actions. Seldom rewrite letters or give attention to detail.

Aren’t worriers.

Aren’t bothered by details of what wear, what to eat, where to go, etc.

Aren’t very concerned by what’s said about them.

Accept orders as a matter of course.

Are usually moderate in their religion, politics and other social issues.

Don’t hesitate to ask for help in solving problems.

Would rather work with others than alone.

Make their own opportunities for praise.

Aren’t suspicious of others’ motives.

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