How to Reach Your Peak Solo Potential
and Succeed in Career, Love and Life
*****
Carol Soares
*****
Copyright 2011 Carol Soares
All Rights Reserved
~
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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ISBN: 978-1- 4502-8397-7 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-1- 4502-8398-4 (ebk)
Contents
Introduction: The Greatness in You
Section 1 Greatness Defined By You
Leap Over the Confined Walls of Singlehood Prison
Define Your Peak Solo Potential
Section 2 Beyond Success is Greatness
The 10 “No Way But Up (NWBU) Factors
4. View Yourself as Exceptional
5. Be Your Own Greatness Guide
6. Set and Act Upon Your Goals for Success
10. Incorporate Habits of Greatness
Section 3 Mindset Preparation Principles – Aspire to Greatness
What You Believe, You Can Be Inspired By
What You Dream, You Can Become
What You Commit To, You Can Achieve
What You Face, You Can Overcome
“I Drive This Great Life” Motto
Section 4 Patterns and Behavior Principles – Create Greatness
You Know What Drives You, Now What?
Prevention and Planning for No Way But Up
You’re Not Too Old for Gold Stickers
Stumbling – Pause, Reflect and MOVEON ALREADY
Section 5 Maintaining Principles – Develop Habits of Greatness
You’re Taking Action Now What?
Section 6 Mentoring Principles – Inspiring Greatness in Others
What Your Greatness Means to Those Around You
Give without the Expectation of Return
You As a Greatness Guide to Other Singles
Section 7 Career Principles – Greatness in Work
Establishing Your Personal Brand
Section 8 Social Network Principles – Greatness in Social Communities
Social Media: Finding Your Rhythm
The Three Levels of Social Network Composing
Singles Personal Branding and Career Building
What is Interrupting Your Rhythm?
Section 9 Financial Principles – Greatness for Prosperity
It’s Just You, So Why Think About Money?
Attracting Prosperity – The Key Elements
Section 10 Relationship Principles – Greatness in Love
Inner Resources for Emotional Fitness
Greatness Travels Light – Check Your Baggage
Attracting What Is Right for Your Story
Section 11 Visualization - Your Spiritual Greatness Garden
The Components of a Spiritual Garden
Section 12 Seasonal Reflections on Greatness
Section 13 Message to Great Single Women and Men
Greatness in Women/Men Action Step
Section 14 Message to Great Single Parents
Great Message for Single Parents
Section 15 Message to Singles After Divorce
Renewal After Divorce Greatness Action Step
Section 16 Life Strategy Q & A
There is no single individual that succeeds without a magnificent group of people who collaborate with them on their journey – I am no exception. To those who believed in me, assisted me, cheered for me, and shared stories with me, I want to extend my most sincere gratitude. Your presence has been invaluable to the completion of this resource that I now bring ecstatically to the world.
I am grateful for the love and patience of my husband which has been a source of strength throughout this process. We came together at a time when I was re-awakening the deepest parts of my inner being. Thank-you for accompanying me on this journey.
I have also been blessed with the gift of an incredible family. My sister and my parents have continued to remain interested in my personal progress even when the specific steps along the pathway were uncertain. Their support has been priceless.
My children are the miracles that are most visible in my life each day. They add that additional beat to my heart as it strives to touch the lives of many.
Introduction: The Greatness in You
There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.
~Nelson Mandela
We are each born with an infinite capacity for greatness. In order to cultivate this capacity, a person must feel good about the vehicle of greatness; which is you. Unfortunately, our standards and practices do not sustain this concept and key qualities are often eroded along the course of a lifetime.
Where greatness is concerned, there are a multitude of experiences and interactions that occur throughout a life span that contributes to the path taken. This book is a guide for harnessing personal power. Growth does not require that you become a different person, but by learning to allow yourself to be who you are, fully, freely, and to the best of your ability.
Every person has arrived with what is needed to evolve in the direction of their highest potential. Just like the acorn, your daily habits can produce a magnificent presence. The optimal condition of the soil permits the acorn to send down its tap root. This root acts as the centre from which all other roots will sprout. Its role is similar to that of your own internal core. The life that you are experiencing stems from the strength of your “tap root”. If it is fragile, weak, and undernourished, growth will be stunted. When it is flourishing, the young oak shoot emerges from the ground and begins the journey to reach new heights.
What Greatness Is
If you ask singles to define greatness and provide examples of people whom they consider to have achieved this status, the majority would refer to leaders, athletes and the like. The term “greatness” appears to soar above the general population.
My objective is to dismiss this perception and I stand firmly in the belief that greatness is within reach of every single person. My mission is to broadcast this message to those who desire to achieve more in their lives. Greatness is an attainable result of hard work, a confident and constructive mindset, and is strengthened by the development of visual representation of its existence. I want you to think big – about you and for you! It’s okay if you are not thinking in those terms (yet ). I will be thinking big for you and I know you will jump on board your greatness “band wagon” very soon. I have your seat already reserved. Your climb to greatness is closer than you think.
For the purposes of this book, greatness is a self-defined competency relevant to one’s personal best that starts with a resilient and achiever-oriented state of mind. True greatness does not stem from short-lived, intermittent efforts. An amendment of character in addition to surpassing previously held beliefs about potential represent the hallmarks for heightened possibilities. It is not my intention to encourage singles to seek greatness while losing sight of the value that you have to offer by just being in the world and all that you have accomplished to date. I am suggesting that it is possible to build upon those endeavours.
Les Brown shared a quote that he had been incorporating to deepen his meditations. I also found the message to be profound and unquestionably synchronized with the essence of this book. He said that best-selling author and educator Debbie Ford reminds us that “if you insist on clinging to who you are right now, you will miss the extraordinary opportunity to meet the next greatest version of yourself”. A simple statement carrying tremendous weight. Challenging yourself beyond what you have already accomplished is essential to your growth.
What Greatness Is Not
A means to look down and cast judgment on others
Bragging or arrogance
The exertion of physical strength
A natural consequence derived from the existence of power or authority
Settling for ordinary
Who Is This Book for?
For Singles
This book has been primarily written for singles who seek to surpass their present circumstances and achievements while valuing all that exists within their lives today. Each person reading this book will take from it just what is needed for them. This resource is for you to expand your current way of thinking to include the pursuit of peak solo potential. The outcome will be a direct result of what you are prepared to contribute to this transformation.
For Coaches and Other Professionals
This book, along with the supplementary materials and training, offers you a powerful, structured approach to collaborating with your clients on their journeys of self- discovery and achievement. Individuals will benefit from this book when they learn to identify patterns for change and are ready to create a life which consists of their personal best. They are the men and women who do not define themselves as weak but who seek your skills that empower them to remain strong.
How to Use the Book
This book is an interactive, action-oriented resource that takes you through the process of constructing your story of greatness in addition to fulfilling the vision that is exclusive to you. Some topics will be illustrated by the integration of some of my own experiences in addition to that of other singles. I will be encouraging you to take full responsibility– and credit – for what you declare as your goals. Depending on where you are in your particular life, you may decide that this book will simply be a reading source that you will come back to when the time is right to take action. That’s okay for the moment, but know that (as Michael Gerber who quoted author Carla Needleman said) you will not learn about fire by thinking about fire but by burning. At some point the true movement will come when you are inspired to reach deep and expand your sphere of possibilities.
The format for this book includes a variety of strategies aimed to motivate and reinforce the development of greatness. The activities found within each section are not mandatory but completing them will improve results. The Greatness Reminders System (www.singlesguidetogreatness.com) can be used to outline your story and track your growth. You will also find resources that compliment the book in the final section.
It’s a Journey
Discovering and making the best use of your greatness will be a journey filled with learning experiences, hurdles, and special moments that will ultimately lead you to your destination. In this book, I will do my best to help you to prepare for and move beyond the challenges in addition to honoring the efforts and progress made along the way.
The challenges will put your commitment, courage, strengths, weaknesses, and beliefs to the test. I will be guiding you to follow the desired path that you have outlined in your story of greatness while applying valuable lessons learned from these moments. Remember that from every challenge comes an opportunity for growth. Your capacity to embrace life’s entire repertoire of lessons will determine the quality of your journey. This book has been written to help advance the expression and fulfillment of your greatness vision. It will be an individualized process that supports the use of the techniques that work best for you. Your journey cannot be duplicated by anyone in this world. Be open to the process and chart the course that brings out your optimum capability.
“If you are on a road to nowhere, find another road.”
~Ashanti proverb
My Story
I can vividly recall my 30th birthday. No one would have known that my goal was to try to let the day pass without slipping into the eternal cavity of misery that, I realized years later, had been consuming me. Single women can relate to what I was experiencing. There is something about that particular age that leads to a vulnerability of the soul related to marital status – unless you are amongst the few who managed to remain strong despite the circumstances. I witnessed women around me, who made no excuses for their personal vow to be married by the age of 30, enter unions that were completely deficient in the most critical factors for a fulfilling life together as a couple. To me, that was a fate far worse than being single and one that I was not prepared to endure.
As a social worker, what was gnawing at the very core of my spirit was completely out of sync with the messages of hope and resiliency I conveyed to the clients with whom I worked. I continued to put on the smile that I was known well for. At that time, my most significant relationship was a merry-go-round of on again and off again. It would end each time I recognized the contradiction to my needs and value system and it would resume each time I gave in to the belief that I could fix what had not been working in the past and the benefits that accompanied being in familiar territory. Trying to make a comfortable relationship work, especially as a single parent, just seemed easier. Of course, I knew that the challenges within my relationships were a source of anxiety, but I was oblivious to the extent to which I allowed my single status to dictate the decisions that I made. At times I even concealed my single status within my work environment. I was filled with shame about not having success in my relationships, remained in most far too long, and was absolutely lost with respect to the cause for being unmarried at 30 years old. I also struggled with the fact that I could not seem to settle for what many singles around me had – a good enough relationship that could quite easily result in marriage.
In 2001 I entered a relationship that seemed quite promising. Unfortunately, it eventually became obvious to me that this too was not the ideal connection that suited my soul. The break up was very difficult but I knew that it did not benefit anyone to prolong the inevitable. So what does a person do when they come to this place of personal awareness about what is not working for them? Well, this person took one step forward followed by ten steps back and reconnected with her previous partner under the mistaken belief that the time that had passed in between might have miraculously changed something – wrong! The good news is that it was a momentary set back on my journey to renewal. I very quickly recognized the presence of the same issues and took the first train back to “be true to you” station. No stops in between.
In 2002 I made a mental and spiritual shift that would take me on a very clear path of restoration. I decided that it was time to put as much time and effort into myself as I was providing to my clients. I revised my book library to include fewer titles that reflected their personal growth needs and expanded the collection with titles that I felt I would benefit from at that time. The proverb, “the true giver begins with herself” became one of my new mottos. I think that I read every book written by Iyanla Vanzant in addition to many others such as The Gift of a Year, written by Mira Kirshenbaum, which emphasized the need to discover and live life within the realms of your authentic truth. What an epiphany I experienced!
I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted the very moment that I recognized the value that I brought to the world and how to be at peace regardless of the absence of the ideal partner. This was not my first awakening but it was a profound one. I took that new found confidence and conviction and plastered it on my forehead for everyone to see. It was not in the form of bragging but in a way that naturally flowed from me. I felt as though I was surrounded by an aura of strength and self-assurance. I listened to music that was spiritually uplifting and started to compile a list of things that the former me would never have entertained. I let the essence of my revised greatness guide me to new heights that beckoned me to try new things. I acknowledged the tough lessons learned and vowed to remain on a forward journey. Of course, there have been times when I have needed to remind myself to pay attention to the principles that maintain my direction on this path.
In less than three months from the time that I started this process, I met a person that has now become my husband. Every now and then, I make light of the fact that I could have at least experienced this phase a bit longer, but after a number of relationships that taught me extensively about what I needed, it was obvious that he was the closest representation to what was in my soul than I believed to be possible. He’s far from perfect, but neither am I. What’s more important is that we support the growth of one another and feel connected on the highest possible level.
In terms of my career, I have been fortunate to have held a range of professional positions that have all contributed to my growth. I found that in spite of these opportunities, there still remained a yearning to fulfill my dream to have my own business where my passion for creative development and project management could be applied to facilitating the transformation and accomplishments of others. Today, this vision is being realized with this book being one of the many methods used to convey my message of personal best and success to the world.
I share this glimpse at my story as an example of the capacity to create and put into practice one’s life vision. In the past, I had allowed myself to be managed by a flawed belief system about being single. I hear many similar stories from other singles as well. This guide is for everyone who has the desire to reach greater personal and professional heights. I look forward to walking with you along the way.
Greatness Defined By You
Glance at Your Growth
Θ
In this section you will find strategies that can be used to uncover your story of greatness, your peak solo potential and the qualities of greatness. Take a moment to think about where you are in these areas. Are you already aware that you need to focus on specific areas to further your progress and live the more purpose-driven vision that stirs within? This is your chance to begin to target specific areas of growth that supports the greatness within you. What do you want to take from this section of the book?
You will have a chance to define your goals related to greatness at the end of this section. Keep these questions in mind as you read. Will you start by striving for greatness in a particular area of your life? Will you embrace greatness as an overall lifestyle? The possibilities are infinite.
Θ
Your Story of Greatness
Many Singles have life stories written with rationalizations and limitations. Throughout this journey, you will be encouraged to revise- or in some cases rewrite – these stories with characteristics of the greatness that is desired. This modified version ends with you at the top of your mountain.
What a feeling that would be! You will just need to be open to the amazing shift that is yours to embrace.
Your Greatness Story represents your plan for succeeding. There is so much power in having a concrete plan. It’s your primary affirmation for living a life that goes beyond mediocre. The unfolding of your story will be you in greatness action. Writing your goals on paper is comparable to carving it in stone. Taking the small steps required (i.e., each chapter written) and acting on your plan is vital. Nothing can change in your world unless you make it change. Without your greatness plan of action, you run the risk of wasting a lot of time running in circles. Throughout this book, I will help you develop your story with relevant purpose, so that your effort has significant meaning to you. The conclusion of your story will provide a target and each chapter maintains your focus so you are consistently moving towards its realization. Your journey probably has been, and will continue to be, filled with obstacles. It’s a natural part of life. With your plan, it will be easier for you to think in terms of prevention and strategies for response. The concept of planning seems very simple, right? It is a compilation of strategies applied to your life. That’s it. The reality is that more people would consider themselves to be fulfilled and living their lives at the highest possible level if it were. Let’s start today. I would like to see all singles persevere past the temporary discomfort that can be associated with some of the changes that accompanies self-growth while you expand your threshold for success. Robin Sharma says in The Greatness Guide: Book 2 that he believes in the “whole notion of growth” and that we are all here to “grow and expand through the work we do, the actions we take and the lives we lead”.
Magnificent Self vs. Muted Self
“Every day, people settle for less than they deserve. They are only partially living or at best living a partial life. Every human being has the potential for greatness.”
~ Bo Bennett
Somewhere deep inside each single person is true magnificence just waiting to be unwrapped and transformed. It is the best of you. At times it has peeked gently at you but again drifted away when you failed to acknowledge and build upon it. Greatness is that magnificent self. It has triumphed (without being malicious) over restricted self. It seeks:
The Muted Self Can Sound Like Concern
As I reached the final stages of this book, I can recall a few instances when I questioned whether or not I was prepared for the potential repercussions of publishing a book.
“Are you prepared for possible media, public speaking invitations, or partnerships on a larger scale?” I asked. “The things that you do well at but are far from comfortable with!” I emphasized.
My answers:
“Yes, this is me.”
“Yes, this is my gift.”
“Yes, this is my path.”
“Yes, this is my time to grow.”
My “muted” self spoke out with a dose of caution. That’s not entirely a bad thing. It reminded me that I’m challenging myself and it was my decision to advance or remain where I was. Remaining where I was, in this case, would have meant that I failed to express the truth of me in the form that was right for me.
During these visits from my “muted” self, I was able to detach from the “what-ifs” and the unknown outcome, and focus on simply allowing myself to be me fully and authentically. In a space of stillness I re-affirmed that whatever the expression of my gift was meant to do in this world was meant to be. It will be received by the right people at the right time. No more. No less. No worries. Greatness travels light and I’m not carrying the weight of what will be.
Dr. Wayne Dyer shared a similar story about his own “clogging” in Transformation: The Next Step to the No- Limit Person. He said that he stopped judging himself as a writer, how the words came out, and whether he sold books.
Instead he just became the “I am” that he is. The writing process then became “magic”. He encourages others to also think as the perfection that we innately are.
Your “muted” self will reveal the person that you may be presenting at any given period of time in your life but the “magnificent” self is your inner essence ready to be revealed as soon as you permit it to emerge. What you experience depends largely on how you choose to set in motion what you are.
Your magnificent self is not defined by external issues in attempts to find acceptance and a sense of purpose. It is not attached to an issue, an accomplishment, an income level, marital status or family. It is how the genuineness of you flows through these aspects of your life.
Start Writing Your Greatness Story– The Magnificent Self
Start With a Symbol
A symbol is an object or image that represents something else by association or resemblance. A material object is often used to correspond to something that is intangible or cannot be seen. Your new book of greatness can be reinforced by the use of a symbol that you have selected. What comes to mind when you picture the best that is possible in your life? Is there anything that you can carry that reminds you of this image? What can act as a motivator for your goals?
Your symbol will signal you to take action and it will be a component of your entire system for greatness success. If you are unable to locate something that suits this purpose, I have created the “My Great Solo Potential” wristband for you to wear or carry with you throughout your day. If you have created unique or interesting types of symbols, share them with others in our community.
Regardless of what you select as your symbol, it is important that it has the power and presence to support the essence of your advancing story. Introducing an object that fails to connect you to a significant emotional or spiritual response will not contribute to the consistency that produces change. This image or object can have one or more of the following characteristics:
Encourages
Inspires
Energizes
Enlightens
Nurtures
Reinforces
Engages
Strengthens
Stabilizes
Clarifies
Title
The title of your book will be the name you’ve given to describe the nature and focal point of your entire story. There can be a main and sub title. The best title will speak to your intention, promise and the significance of the narrative found within. It is a key and concise element that can immediately provide inspiration. Give careful consideration to what you call your greatness story. Make sure that it is a victorious personal reflection of your journey. The Courage to Reach New Heights: How a Girl Turned Fear to Ferocity and Living Fully and Fabulously: A Leap to Greatness are two examples of titles that could be used. Ask yourself the following questions as you develop your ideal title:
1. What is the primary focus of my transformation?
2. What words can be used to describe my largest victory?
3. What outcome am I seeking to obtain?
4. How will I know that I have successfully liberated the greatness within me?
5. What title will inspire me to continue on my progressive path?
6. What accomplishments am I most deserving and destined to enjoy?
If you are still having difficulties with your title, the online forum is a great place to request feedback. While others can help you to name your story, the core meaning has to resonate with you in the deepest sense.
Cover Design
The cover design is important because most readers take a quick glance at it before they decide whether to explore the product further or purchase it. The cover also articulates the author’s visual message to the readers. Although many say that the success of a book is more closely linked to the content and marketing efforts, the color and style definitely influences what is picked up off the shelf in a bookstore. Visually, it can influence your thoughts and feelings associated with your story. So many of our senses are activated by a picture that enters our mind. How we interpret and experience the image can produce a range of feelings.
To create the design for your story, start by visualizing an image of your life with greatness. What colors would you imagine to be in this picture? Do you like the bright and vibrant color red that represents energy, life and emotional intensity? What about blue? Blue is a more tranquil color and has been found to depict loyalty and productivity. Green is calming and symbolic of nature. Yellow is associated with joy, happiness, intellect, and it arouses cheerfulness. Purple tends to be associated with royalty. It suggests power, luxury and aspiration. It is believed to convey wisdom, creativity and mystery. For this book I chose a deep shade of red for richness, activation and intensity and a darker shade of yellow/gold for creative and intellectual energy.
Now that you have begun to create in your mind the colors that would reflect your story, let’s consider the setting that you feel most accurately captures the magnificence of your greatness. Would you be on the highest peak of a mountain? Once you have determined the setting, think about other details such as whether or not someone else would be there with you – perhaps a crowd cheering for your victory. These are all considerations for your design. Use a collage, draw it yourself or have a graphic designer create the best visual representation for your story.
Author Biography
Your biography will summarize your story by highlighting various aspects. This includes details of experiences, a description of your personality and other interests. How will you summarize your life up to this point? What have you accomplished? What would you want the world to know about you? Once you have summarized these fundamentals, review the content. Is it an accurate portrayal of your life up to this stage? Have you noticed any patterns? Would you be satisfied if this was your entire life description?
This could be one of the most difficult elements for you to write in the beginning stages. We are often very confined in our self-descriptions. There is a tendency to exaggerate the negative, minimize the positive features and emphasize those things that we have “done” in our lives – as opposed to moments of “being”. For your greatness story, I am requesting that you embrace a blended biography perspective. It can be one to two pages in length.
Acknowledgments
This section of your book will express your gratitude to those people and opportunities that assisted you in your achievements to date. There are no right or wrong entries for this section within your story of greatness. You can recognize someone on your acknowledgment page that did something as minute as greeting you at the start of each day, if it was something that produced fond memories based on your needs at that particular time in your life. The acknowledgment page should be personal, reflect this self- growth process, and can relate to significant contributions to milestones that have already been attained.
Testimonials
A testimonial is a positive affirmation of a person’s character or accomplishments and often serves as a personal recommendation. You can find information to add to this section in references and performance reviews however these statements will often be superficial and behavioural. Your story of greatness can certainly contain some of these types of testimonials but the goal is to really reach deeper insights about the benefits that your life has provided. How have others benefitted from your existence? What have you brought to the world? Where have you been of best service?
If you do not have documentation available to you that can be expanded upon or they are not suited for your story, write your own testimonial based on what you know that you do well, what you are most proud of and what others would say are your strongest gifts. Be as clear and specific as possible about your contributions to the world. Trust me, there are many. Even without recognition, your presence, skills, and natural abilities have impacted people and things on a variety of levels.
Hint: Write your own testimonial. Highlight as many accomplishments as possible and give yourself mega praise.
Introduction
The introduction will summarize the background and purpose, how your story will guide you and the format involved. Start by sharing how you came to read this book, what you hope to achieve and what the process is expected to entail. It is possible that you may return to this section and revise the particulars as you later reflect on your experience.
Introduction Writing Tips:
Think about how your story is being developed to alter your present life
Connect with the biggest obstacles and how this process aims to overcome them
Your introduction can also include the benefits to engaging in this process
You can include a personal invitation to yourself that encourages a commitment
Table of Contents
There are specific sections of the book where I will be suggesting that you apply the information to your own story. These are guidelines that include important themes to consider however, what you choose to concentrate your attention on is specific to you. Your table of contents will outline each area of self-discovery and development in your story. Be creative with the titles for the chapters.
Main Body
After establishing the outline for your story, each section will prompt you to consider your goals in that particular area, create a symbol to represent that goal and write the chapter. This is a process that will result in a plan that you can refer to and amend for some time to come. The details of your story can include reflections, affirmations, lessons learned, strengths, progress and future accomplishments. The goal is to end each chapter with you mastering this area of greatness in whatever way that you believe to be your personal best.
Conclusion
This may be the best place to start. Knowing what you want to aspire to can definitely provide motivation. Imagine your life filled with all that you deem to be the manifestation of greatness. What will you be doing? How will you be feeling? What colors surround you? Who is with you? Use all of these details to construct the conclusion to your story.
Audio
Why not add sound to your unfolding story? For most people, music and sounds can elevate moods and reinforce certain memories. I know that, to this day, when I hear songs that were played by my parents when I was a child I often reminisce about where I was and what I was doing at that period in time. What lyrics, sounds or music can you incorporate to strengthen your story? Some singles will select a tune that uplifts; others may choose something that brings peace. You can adopt a theme song or create a new one. Like your symbol, using audio can act as a prompt as well as sustain your new way of life.
Destiny
I held a butterfly in my hand
A dainty, fragile thing it was.
I asked what secrets it held
Within the beautiful color of its wings-
It said not a word.
I asked what it was like to hold
Such freedom within the strength
Of those fragile wings –
It said not a word.
I asked what it was like to be
Held in such awe and wonder
Because of its beauty, power and freedom –
It said not a word.
In my frustration – I let it go And
as it flew away it whispered You
are a cocoon – come out now
And show your strength, your power,
Your beauty – fly –
Then you will know my secrets.
~ G.T.
Break Free Singles
Throughout this book, I will share with you the most important strategies to bring about greatness in your life. You will see that it requires a certain amount of self- awareness, planning, and action to reach beyond what you have already achieved in your life. My goal is to help you get there, and the first requirement can be what many Singles find the hardest – breaking free.
There are two contributing offenders to be addressed in the break-free process, both equally important to your success in achieving maximum results. I am referring to the restrictions related to being other-people defined and self-imposed limitations.
Part 1: Other-People Defined Limitations
Let’s start with restrictions on your freedom to live your life to the fullest due to the influences and expectations of others. To some extent everyone is “Other-People Defined” (OPD). We are all influenced by cultural and societal norms, however some individuals find themselves (often unknowingly) shaping their decisions and limiting their options based on what is considered to be a preferred or acceptable path. In doing so, certain true desires become buried in exchange for what they believe should be desired due to financial rewards, status, commonality and so on. Our Society places very clear positive labels on career choices, for example, that are prestigious while imposing the opposite on other fields. The result is that many people find themselves feeling unfulfilled and going through the motions of life.
To use the same example of profession, the opposite can also occur when OPD is at work. There are many people who dream of a career in fields that they believe are beyond their capabilities because they have heard messages that they cannot succeed based on their socio-economic status or intellect.
OPD in Action – Michael, Age: 24
Michael had just recently been accepted to Harvard Medicine
His father is a doctor
He cannot tolerate the sight of blood
Michael is a mentor to youth which brings him joy. He has guided many at-risk young men to make constructive choices and changes in their lives
Parents wonder why he is still wasting his time in what they believe to be an unsafe environment
Parents have always told him that his level of prestige will attract the best possible partner for marriage
OPD Dilemma: Michael struggles with what path to take and questions whose life he is leading
Questions for Michael: What would you ask Michael if he came to you to discuss his present predicament?
Michael’s Course of Action: What would you suggest to be the best course of action for Michael to take?
Go to singlesguidetogreatness.com/
michael and share your feedback
“Freedom is not something that anybody can be given; Freedom is something that people take and people are as free as they want to be.”
~James Arthur Baldwin
The movie, Because I Said So, starring Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore offers a humorous, exaggerated illustration of what many single men and women say they struggle with in terms of the influence of OPD and their life decisions.
Diane Keaton, who plays the mother (Daphne), was committed in her mission to ensure that her youngest daughter (Milly) marries the “perfect” man. In the end, she admits that she did not want her daughter to follow in her footsteps and end up alone. She screened the men, ruled out those who appeared to lack financial stability, and then applied ample amounts of pressure in not so subtle ways. The inner conflict that her daughter experienced was apparent – in one relationship she felt accepted and understood while in the other relationship she seemed belittled. It was not until she was angry with her mother that she recognized the external influence to maintain the second relationship.
Milly remained in a relationship that restricted her from full expression and reinforced the negative beliefs that she had already accepted about herself. She did this because it appeared to be a great opportunity and the right thing to do. Not only did she lack knowledge about her values, vision, and self-worth, but at times when the inner conflict led to confusion about the relationship, Milly failed to trust her gut. How many times has this happened to you? Your meter is beeping…You can hear the warning signs, but for a multitude of reasons the alarm is silenced. You stay – in the relationship, in the job, in the school, in the home, and so on. What you believe is right stems from the values and desires of others and then becomes the basis for your story. Few people have stated that they have reached their highest life potential by walking in the path created primarily by others.
Part 2: Self-Imposed Limitations
“Most people are not really free. They are confined by the niche in the world that they carve out for themselves. They limit themselves to fewer possibilities by the narrowness of their vision.”
~ Vidiadhar Surajprasad Naipaul
It is important to understand what you have incorporated into the standards and limits that you have placed on your potential for growth. In the sections to follow, I will be discussing the mindset preparation principles that function in a way that encourages or discourages greatness. Quite often what is embedded in the mind has been a culmination of external factors and experiences that have established themselves as reality. It has become your truth and without realizing it, you structure your life based on messages and a belief system that restricts the vast range of possibilities. Most singles don’t think about the ways in which fear and uncertainty directs the particular route taken. Instead of trying new things that would result in your development, singles adopt a safe, comfort-based mentality loaded with self-imposed limitations.
Take time each day to connect with what you are doing and why you are doing it. Stop for a moment and ask yourself why you are eating a certain food, why you live where you do, why you work where you do, and other daily activities that have become part of your routine. Check in to see what is at the source. Have you decided on most of the things that exist in your story? Or have you limited options in response to what others may have told you?
“Don’t let someone else’s opinion of you become your reality.”
~Les Brown
Self-Imposed in Action – Jackie, Age – 37
Jackie is an administrative assistant for a real estate company
She has been writing poems and short stories for most of her life
Jackie wakes up each morning with thoughts about how she will get through another day in this job that she despises
She receives a call from her friend who tells her that she came across a call for submissions for a short story award that included a book publishing contract and plenty of publicity
Jackie is initially excited about the opportunity and imagines her life as a published author
She even imagines leaving her job to fulfill her passion for writing
Within minutes Jackie’s thoughts change and she questions her abilities
She begins to think that she will only be setting herself up for failure
Self-imposed Dilemma: Jackie is conflicted about her existing writing skills and contemplates a decision to enter the contest.
Questions for Jackie: What would you ask Jackie if she were to tell you about her present consideration?
Jackie’s Course of Action: What course of action would you recommend for Jackie?
Go to singlesguidetogreatness.com/
jackie to share your feedback
Leap Over the Confined Walls of Singlehood Prison
When you assume the labels and limitations that inhibit your vision, the wealth of opportunities available to you becomes stunted in its growth. Greatness in life is derived from mastering the life that you are living as fully as possible. If you cannot truly express yourself, you are confined. Living with constrictions of your character and essence is an unhealthy place to be.
Yes, we all have to make sacrifices and establish boundaries within our relationships and in some environments. The point is that your identity is not lost along the way. Are there elements of your authentic self that you have been withholding? Throughout this book, I will be guiding singles towards a plan to reclaim and revitalize all aspects of their greatness stories.
Break-Free Action Strategies:
The influences of being OPD as well as the self-imposed limitations can produce deeply ingrained thought and behaviour patterns. In most cases, they are the consequence of a lifetime of experiences and interactions.
Reflection
...the circle I was in and society at large made me feel that I was required to have a boyfriend. I felt so bad that I longed for a boyfriend all the time. I see so many couples everywhere and I was always jealous of them because I didn’t have someone like they did. It made me feel alone.
Then, when the time came that my last boyfriend wanted to see me, I had the strength to turn him down. It was then that I used him as my strength, how he used to make me feel, to be able to move on. I wasn’t sure how I did it. That gave me a kind of push, a lift in my spirits, that I was stilla person and that I had to start loving myself before being loved by someone else. I realized later on, that I hadn’t turned him down for revenge. I turned him down because it was over between us. Aside from that, it was over for me too. Over with the games, over with the hurt, over the pining and the jealousy, and over with the petty socializing problems. I guess I just grew out of it.
I’ve been single almost two years now, and I’m great. I flirt, I go places, and I’m not committed. I learn many things, I know myself more, I’m starting to see my worth and I learned to value the people around me more than I used to. Most of all I realized that I’m probably not yet ready to commit.
Marcia- Age: 22
Solo Affirmation: I choose the time, the place, and the person who is worthy of my attention. My relationships will nurture my spirit and enhance the potential in my life– not diminish it.
These strategies will help you to claim your power to control your destiny and enjoy the freedom that you deserve.
1 Remind yourself that you cannot possibly gain the approval of everyone. It is a self-defeating downward spiral that almost always results in disappointment.
2. Put yourself at the top of your priority list.
3. You don’t always have to be nice at the expense of your own values, thoughts and feelings (a challenge spot that still requires my attention).
4. Learn to say no.
5. Get comfortable with expressing your needs, thoughts and feelings.
6. Value your decisions.
7. Avoid the automatic internalization of messages (yours and others) by learning to recognize, reconstruct and replace them with those that suit your greatness story.
Have Your Break-Free Ceremony
Dear Limitations,
I want to thank you for all that you have attempted to protect me from. I understand that you may have sent the messages from others and from within me as a safety measure. Unfortunately, you have sometimes been hurtful and detrimental for my development.
I want you to hear me loud and clear –You are no longer working for me nor are you aligned with my vision. I am releasing you from my mind and my soul. I know that you will be trying very hard to remain however my determination is much stronger than you have given me credit for. The time has come to be free. Good-bye.
Signed: (Your Name)
10 Truths for Your Great Life Story – The “H” Funnel
1. Happiness: Your great life story must come from a place of sincere, complete and deep happiness. Marci Shimoff, in her book, Happy for No Reason, states “... in fact, happiness leads to more success in every area of your life”. She refers to the multitude of benefits that result from being happy from the inside regardless of the circumstances and events within your life. This is a crucial element. Truth: Your story of greatness thrives on happiness and, in turn, contributes to a greater quantity of happiness.
2. Heart: Your heart is the lifeline for your physical being. When it stops beating, you cease to exist in this world. It is the one location that we associate most with love. Truth:A truly great life story warms, excites and energizes the heart to receive from its surroundings and to give with pleasure. Strengthening your connection to the heart comes by authentically listening and following its gentle whispers.
3. Honor: The word honor suggests a sense of nobility. When your story consists of honor for yourself, it means that you respect yourself and value your life, but there is also more. To honor yourself is a statement that you are confident of the root of your being, and offer tenderness to yourself. Truth: With honor as part of your greatness story, you know that you have nothing to prove to anyone and that your value is indisputable.
4. Humble: Allow yourself to be imperfect. It is a trait we all share. When you realize that there is more to learn, more room to grow and much more opportunities that exist in the world, you can then understand the impact that being humble has on your potential. No great achiever succeeded without the support and guidance of others. Truth: Being humble opens your mind to acknowledge that you don’t have all of the answers, that you may need to alter your course, and that you are no better than others.
5. Help: An unhealthy level of pride is a characteristic that prevents many singles from seeking help. You believe that you “should” be able to do it all. The truth is that we were created as interconnected beings with one another and all that surrounds us. There is a cycle of gifts given quite often on a micro scale that transcends to join the larger spirit of our universe. Truth: It is important to include ample experiences of helping and welcoming help in your great story. If you have been helped through the message of this book, tell others who can be helped as well. It’s a good thing!
6. Hurdles: One of fundamental truths for any great story is that your personal best does not come without triumph over hurdles of all kinds. We all have them. The bar that seems to appear in front of you from nowhere. The finish line that seems to move farther each day. The ladder with broken rungs. Truth: Greatness rises above the hurdles, grows in spite of them and ultimately brings out the best in you.
7. Hug: Just as a mother’s touch calms and comforts, the concept of hugging is one that, by its very nature, triggers positive sensations. Although a hug can be a physical gesture, for the purpose of your great story I want you to think of a hug on a much broader dimension. When you are hugging someone or something, you are also embracing them (with kindness, support, love, passion, ...). Truth: It is essential to embrace the various elements and experiences that exist in a physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental state as well. Embrace yourself first. Then embrace all that you come into contact with and that which you contemplate each and every day.
8. Heights: Aspiring to live your greatest possible life summons new determination and persistence each and every day. It is not enough to ride on the wings of the inspired vision from the days gone by. Truth: Your story will dare you to step higher, farther and wider than the day before. By expanding your view of possibilities and reconnecting with the drive from within, your story will bring energy and exuberance to the journey. Much like climbing the tallest mountain, at times you may feel intimidated. But the satisfaction and personal rewards that accompany the success of your mission are impossible to capture in mere words. In your great story, you will need to aim at a higher purpose.
9. Humour: Mahatma Gandhi said “If I had no sense of humour I should long ago have committed suicide.” Humour has been found to strengthen the immune system, improve cardiovascular functioning, counteract low grade depression tendencies, energize, and minimize pain. Is there any question about its indispensable contribution to great lives? The ability to “lighten up” and enjoy life with all its episodes will fortify a resiliency to persevere during difficult times. Truth: Great lives are rich with liberal sources of pleasure and a refreshing disposition that is contagious.
10. Hero: When you consider what has historically been the qualities used to describe heroes, what comes to mind are things like courage, goodness, and altruism. Most heroes are also judged by their acts of generosity, sometimes risking their lives in attempts to save another. Truth: In great life stories, you are the hero that is worthy of the highest admiration. Your internal guiding principles, daily habits and dedication to inspiring others will develop as the person that you would have previously only shown appreciation for. Speak of yourself with the highest possible regard and recognize the hero potential in everyone.
Your story of greatness thrives on happiness and, in turn, contributes to a greater quantity of happiness.
The “H” Funnel
Happiness Heart
Honour
Humble
Help
Hurdles
Hug
Heights
Humor
Hero
Happiness
Define Your Peak Solo Potential
To aim at the best and to remain essentially ourselves is one and the same thing.
~Janet Erskine Stuart
This section will introduce the methods that you can use to start to shape your highest possible potential. Remember that there is no vision of greatness considered better than the next. Honor your vision and be inspired to see it through to reality.
One’s peak solo potential is a mystery to most. Singles ask me how they know what they are truly capable of attaining. My response is that it does take some soul-searching and assessment tools that are both well within the realm of anyone to execute. It is also important that singles know a great deal about what has taken them to the stage that they are currently at in their lives. This would include some external factors but the principal determinant is what has been established as the internal gauge in your mind.
There is a reason that so many people find that they cannot move beyond their current accomplishments to achieve more. It is very closely connected to the central meter that exists within your subconscious mind operating on an automatic basis and, in many cases, undermining attempts to grow further.
Your mind is a very complex and magnificent entity capable of processes that we normally take for granted. Understanding the basic functions of the subconscious and conscious mind, especially where your potential is concerned, will offer valuable insights to assist you in establishing new markers for achievement. You will need to train your subconscious mind to accept and adopt a new way of thinking and living.
Here is your chance to start to shape your highest possible potential on your terms. It starts with a careful personal exploration of what is at the core of your being. What is distinguishing about you? What is the fuel that drives you? What are the habits that you are engaged in?
1. Values
Our current world is filled with express lifestyles and a barrage of distractions. The result is that those who may have had an awareness of their values often lose sight of them, and spend a significant amount of time on unfulfilling paths in life.
Life can be much more rewarding when you know and acknowledge your values while constructing the supporting mindset, plans and decisions that honor them. When you are living according to your true values, you are opening the gate that leads to the potential underlying greatness.
Your values represent your personal index of what you consider most essential in life. No one is completely void of values. They simply vary from person to person and between levels of awareness. If singles do not take the time to think about those values, they can easily be overlooked when making important choices.
Here are some guidelines for identifying what you value. Consider specific areas of your life and what you are doing on a daily basis where these areas are concerned. For example, on a general level, think about your health and wellness.
What are your thoughts about health and wellness?
1. Is this something that’s important to you?
2. If so, do you feel good about this being important to you?
3. Is this something you would stand by even if others criticized you for it?
4. Have you done things that signify that this is important to you?
5. What aspects of health and well-being are present in your life each day?
If you said that you value health and wellness but work long hours and eat primarily fast food meals, you are likely to experience internal conflict to some extent. That is why understanding your values allows you to live with greater peace and promotes the best in your level of functioning overall. When you know your values, you are in a better position to use them in creating a lifestyle that fits your ideal.
Values can also be more closely tied to precise characteristics of living such as honesty. Even when we become clear about what we value, you can find yourself in situations where you have to make a choice between two values that are in conflict with each other. You may be called upon to establish a position or make a decision based on your knowledge of the significance placed upon each value.
Use the chart below to begin the process of discovering your true values along with their existence:
