The Moviegoer
In the Golden Age of Cinema
Jonathan Jacobs
Copyright © 2011 by Screen Media, Inc.
Published by
Screen Media, Inc. at Smashwords
Although the author and the publisher have made every effort to ensure the accuracy and completeness of information contained in this book, we assume no responsibility for errors, inaccuracies, omissions, or any inconsistency herein. Any slights of people, places, or organizations are unintentional.
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The Moviegoer is dedicated to Charmaine Saratan. Without her this book would not have been possible.
Each film has been rated based on the star system. One action clip represents one star. If there is a symbol for a bomb, it means the movie is an irreparable failure.
“A book unwritten is a delightful universe of unlimited possibilities.” Robert Harris, The Ghost Writer
What you’re holding in your hands is no ordinary collection of film reviews. The Moviegoer is unique, in that the reviews are not written by someone who watches movies solely for enjoyment. Pundits must be careful not to slander actors. They also have to include a nearly 100% accurate plot synopsis.
I value the opportunity to critically analyze every scene, looking for either signs of brilliance, or for horrible transgressions. Writing movie reviews is hard work, but it is my passion. Developing the skill set necessary to grade and evaluate films takes time, and if possible a background in teaching.
Part of being a member of the media involves exercising responsibility. Although there are some films deserving of a spanking, it is important to point out the reason for the critical drubbing. Credibility is everything when tearing down the foundations of someone else’s work. It is also vital to add an element of humor to punditry, especially when writing a diatribe.
The Moviegoer is a successful hybrid of humor, criticism and praise! For criticism, one has to look no further than Sex and the City 2, Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) questions if Abu Dhabi is indeed “the ‘new’ Middle East”. One could parenthetically write (“Does she really mean lower Manhattan? Or the Upper East side?”).
Similarly, the “epic movie” Bitch Slap appeared in video stores across America in 2010. It turns out the title is correct. Everyone that rented the DVD received a metaphorical bitch slap for falling for the old sexy cover ruse.
Lest we forget Macgruber, where the title character is at first presented as a clumsy hero, only for us to discover, in a classic twist of comedy, that Macgruber is a bigger scoundrel than his nemesis.
Conversely, there are several brilliant films that I have had the pleasure of reviewing tin 2010. The acting in The Joneses is off-the-chart outstanding! Just because David Duchovny is a sex addict doesn’t mean his steamy scenes with Demi Moore taint the character’s desire.
Kevin Kline resurrected his career in The Extra Man alongside Paul Dano and John C. Reilly. Playing an ambiguous, aloof eccentric, suits Kline as well as the Stafford Collection at J.C. Penney fits my budget. It does not hurt that Kline’s role is that of a master flirt. He flatters older ladies and offers them the pleasure of his companionship for the low-low price of dinner parties and an evening at the theater. We should all be so fortunate!
Perhaps the greatest challenge in 2010 has been sifting through a maelstrom of ambiguous films. Is Black Swan really deserving of an Oscar award? When Natalie Portman’s character Nina stabs herself with a mirror shard, is it supposed to remind me of Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct? Of course not. Stone appeared naked in her salacious scene. Is the prospect of lesbian sex between Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman enough to sell male audiences on paying to watch Black Swan? Isn’t that a rhetorical question?
Contrast those erotic images with James Franco’s portrayal of Aron Ralston in 127 Hours. Franco takes us through a whirlwind of emotions (fear, despair, jubilation, misery, regret) that Ralston felt and documented during his famous rock slide accident.
Both films have been nominated for major awards. Who deserves an Oscar more? Franco, for playing a trapped climber condemned to live a life without an arm, or Portman for convincing us she is a misguided ballerina with suicidal tendencies? This sort of ambiguity is what makes being a movie reviewer such a pleasure. There is no perfect answer to the question of which is a better film. All I can offer is an opinion based on the material provided. P.S. - Did I mention I believe Franco is the clear winner? Thought I would posit that opinion bringing on the slew of reviews for your reading pleasure.
In order to add sizzle to the spicy menu of film categories, As an additional bonus, there are several fictional reviews sprinkled throughout The Moviegoer for your enjoyment. If a reader sends a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the publisher and guesses which reviews are fictional, I will attend their or their children’s bar mitzvahs (as long as I can lead the hora!)
Remember ladies and gentlemen, The Moviegoer is for your entertainment. My goal has always been to offer readers a satisfying experience, and it is my sincere hope that this book achieves that result. Now sit back, and enjoy the show!
“Same thing happened to me with wife number two, 'member? I have no idea nothing's going on, right?I Come home one day and the house is empty, and I mean completely empty. She even took the ice cube trays out of the freezer. What kind of a sick bitch takes the ICE CUBE trays out of the FREEZER?” Tom Arnold in True Lies
From Paris With Love
Director: Pierre Morel
Writers: Luc Besson, Adi Hasak
Stars: John Travolta, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Kasia Smutniak
Release Date: February 5, 2010 Wide
Production Co: Lionsgate Films
Rating:
From Paris With Love is a movie that proves that no matter what you expect to happen, the exact opposite will come true (a variation of Murphy’s Law). Viewers will notices that John Travolta’s newest look is shocking. Sporting a thick goatee, and some of the most hideous outfits worn since Hairspray, I was inclined (at first) to dismiss his macho act as a complete fiasco. Ten minutes into the movie, I could not possibly have been more engaged, and more wrong. How did this quick reversal occur?
Jonathan Rhys Meyers (The Tudors, Match Point) plays James Reece, a wannabe spy working as a gopher in the U.S. ambassador’s office in London, England. Reece is excited by the prospect of seeing real action; something which he knows nothing about. He is engaged to the beautiful and endearing Caroline (pronounced Caroleene and played by Kasia Smutniak). Shortly after Caroline proposed to our academic vanilla spy, Reece is promoted by the Ambassador and given the assignment of working with Charlie Wax (John Travolta). At first, I am sure most fans will roll their eyes, as within one minute of meeting Reece, Wax goes off on a profanity-ridden tirade that we have heard one hundred times before, and are still waiting to enjoy. That being said, the moment their adventure begins, we are made to feel not only comfortable with Wax, but uncomfortable with Reece. Wax is so badass that he makes James Bond look like a pansy. Meanwhile, Reece might as well have a million frequent flyer miles, because he is a total chicken. Working with Wax is part of the promotion. Reece clearly requires heavy-duty training and to disassociate himself from a carefree, love-infested lifestyle. Secret agents are not bookworms, or romantics who crave daily affection.
Our new secret agent is alarmed when Wax informs him that nobody will be going home until their mission is complete (he dares not keep Caroline waiting for too long!). Although Wax is unclear about the endgame, he is more than upfront about what each stage entails. Normally, movies such as Shoot ‘Em Up make killing hundreds of professional hitmen look egregiously silly. Somehow, whether from expert choreographers or from Travolta’s brilliant skill set, murdering dozens of criminals seems straightforward. At first, Reece witnesses Wax obliterate an entire Chinese restaurant’s staff as though they were rank amateurs. Afterward, in a fascinating scene, Wax shoots holes in the ceiling, and voila, cocaine falls from the skies. Their prayers are answered! Reece is instructed to collect as much Bolivian marching powder as possible in an antique vase that is decorating the now defunct restaurant. The adventures continue, as Agent Reece learns a new lesson, almost by the hour, and painfully grows into being a deadly assassin.
Gradually, we are made aware of the reason behind Wax’s pairing with Reece (Please read no further if you are not interested in a major spoiler). Apparently, Agent Reece’s exotic fiancé is a suicide bomber who has been using him for years as a way to get inside the Ambassador’s office. Caroline’s goal is to one day gain access to an international conference to wreak havoc on the West. She is not only a murderer, but a finely-trained deadly weapon. As aforementioned, moments before receiving the promotion to espionage agent, Caroline proposes to Reece. Caroline gives Reece a rather large and gaudy ring, allegedly from her grandfather. As it turns out, the ring is a transmitter alerting the Middle Eastern terror cell of Reece’s and Wax’s location at all times. After destroying several terror cells, pimps, and assassins, Wax and Reece accept Caroline’s insistent dinner invitation. While ostensibly sitting down and enjoying dessert, Wax shoots a gaping hole into Caroline’s best friend’s head. Wax insists that Reece’s fiancé is a terrorist, but of course, our love smitten fool refuses to believe the assertion. For his troubles, Reece’s fiancé shoots Reece in the shoulder (a near miss from his heart). After chasing Caroline’s terror director, Wax climbs to a bridge and fires a bazooka (seriously, this is incredible footage) to prevent the bomber from hitting the Ambassador’s delegation on the highway. One crisis averted, one to go. Once inside the conference, Reece has to locate Caroline in a Muslim outfit that disguises her to helping her blend into the Middle Eastern group in attendance. Finally, Reece finds Caroline with C4 strapped to her entire body, ready to detonate and blow the whole building to smithereens. After trying to appeal to Caroline’s love and compassion, Reece sees she will not be swayed, and he shoots her in the skull. One tragedy averted, another made worse.
John Travolta has outdone himself in From Paris With Love. Despite looking like a total sleaze ball, he is so unpredictable, wild and electrifying that one cannot take their eyes off him. Jonathan Rhys Meyers is charming and nonchalant in his own way, and serves as a nice balance to his partner. Even so, Travolta has stolen the show, and left Meyers looking amateurish. Teacher and student, mentor and learner, they become close friends. Somehow, in the middle of being on the verge of dying, and with no showers or sleep for days, Meyers manages to provide Travolta with a Royale with Cheese (a Pulp Fiction reference not lost on most viewers). Finally, I would suggest to Travolta that he trim the goatee just a fraction, and that Meyers should learn to speak with an American accent if he intends to portray one. Maybe ask Hugh Laurie for help? A tour de force; good show boys!
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Bitch Slap
Director: Rick Jacobson
Writers: Rick Jacobson, Eric Gruendemann
Stars: Julia Voth, Erin Cummings, America Olivo
Release Date: January 8, 2010 Wide
Production Co: Freestyle Releasing
Rating:
Bitch Slapped? More like a** raped. Two of the primary characters’ names are "Dicksplash" and "Boom Boom". As the feast/smorgasbord of breast meat begins, one of our harlots enters a trailer, downs a few magic pills, and has an Exorcist moment. She then proceeds to tell her trailer trash friends that there were no pharmaceuticals of any kind inside (because she already ate all of them).
This is followed by the best moment of the film, which, coincidentally, is the exact moment I stopped viewing. The three ladies appear in a triptych-ally split screen while they open the trunk to their ancient, yet "classic” automobile. Out pops a revolting man in a G-string, flailing his arms. He is quickly beaten down, but not before the dialogue heats up. The man calls them tarts, whores, and sluts. Their response is as follows: "stop being so sublime, Dicksplash". Why is this hilarious beyond all reason? Allow me to define the word “sublime” for you, according to the free online reference website dictionary.com; "elevated or lofty in thought, language, etc." Considering Bitch Slap begins with a Joseph Conrad (Heart of Darkness) quotation, and it is about hooligans insulting and competing against other wannabe mobsters, I am upset not to be able to continue. Who says big-breasted women cannot act?
P.S. I am very sorry to my readers for having to endure this sort of a distasteful review, but the picture is real and it is on display prominently at Blockbuster. Vulgarity is not my strong suit, so I hope I have done this show at least some justice. Imagine my responsibilities as an editor. I have to think of keywords for readers to search in order to find information on a given film. Imagine the fun I have had with Bitch Slap.
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Brooklyn’s Finest
Director: Antoine Fuqua
Writers: Michael C. Martin, Brad Kane
Stars: Richard Gere, Don Cheadle, Ethan Hawke
Release Date: March 5, 2010 Wide
Production Co: Overture Films
Rating:
Brooklyn’s Finest is like a gourmet recipe with all of the right ingredients on full display. They are fresh, available in the perfect quantities, and they come together tastefully at the end. There are three prominent storylines that intersect at the close of this film. It is anyone’s guess how the intense action will unfold. One thing is for sure’ whether you react harshly or favorably toward this picture, it is thoroughly unpredictable.
Richard Gere plays Eddie Dugan, a conflicted police officer nearing the end of his career. Closure is a mere seven days away. In Eddie’s first scene, he is playing Russian roulette. We later find out that Eddie normally keeps his gun unloaded, as he is uninterested in violence or conflict. Suicide is a symbol for his inner anguish. As part of a new training program, Eddie is assigned the role of mentoring a newly minted officer (Logan Marshall-Green as Melvin Panton) in one of the worst districts of Brooklyn. Unfortunately for the rookie (an optimistic marine dedicated to law enforcement), Eddie is both a horrible mentor and completely selfish at this stage of his career. This leads to the young man transferring to the tutelage of a different officer. Tragically, Melvin, is gunned down on day two of his dream job. Consequently, Eddie is given the responsibility of protecting yet another rookie. This recruit seems more his mentor’s style; however, he is inexperienced and reckless. This leads to a grand mistake when the recruit deafens a teenager in a minor dispute inside of a convenient store.
Eddie’s other addiction (aside from apathy and Russian roulette) is Chantel (Shannon Kane), a demur prostitute with a smooth mien and an ego stroking talent. Despite her insatiable sexual appetites, Eddie is passionately in love with her. Their scenes together are both horrid and hilarious. Chantel is a sexual machine, and rather unclean, but this does not phase our unclearly intentioned officer. At one point, he watches her satisfy a member of the police force with the GFE (girlfriend experience), thus performing her civic duty. While wiping her vagina clean, Eddie approaches Chantel for further relations. The unnerving end of their unsavory relationship leads the now retired Eddie to become a hero, in a scenario he was never comfortable with as a commissioned officer.
Ethan Hawke plays Detective Sal Procida, a man in the unique position of having five children of various ages, with a set of twins on the way. Unfortunately, our deeply religious public servant cannot afford a larger or more sanitary house to accommodate his gargantuan family. Apparently, a police officer’s salary, which includes a pension, free health care, and a guaranteed government salary, does not allow him to move into an apartment or a neighborhood which does not contaminate his wife’s lungs with wood asbestos. Perhaps Sal needs to seek the counsel of a real estate agent, rather than a priest? Instead, he has resigned himself to being a murderer of criminals (does that not make him a cold-blooded killer?) insofar as they have spare cash around. Karma is a factor, as their "blood money" is tainted, a concept not lost on the director, who follows a recent trend in cinematography of having blood spots flash briefly on screen before an act of bloodletting occurs.
In Sal’s opening scene, he is in the middle of chatting with the slow and dim-witted Bobby Powers (Vincent D’Onofrio; seriously, this guy needs to learn how to speak more than ten words a minute) when he flat out executes Bobby. Now that is one cold act of murder! After killing Bobby, Sal is faced with additional opportunities to steal money. However, he is subsequently caught in the act, and thus defers until a later date. Unfortunately, Sal is illegally doing a favor for the real estate agent handling the sale of his dream house; she is holding the house for him, but he still lacks the necessary down payment. Against the wishes of his best friend, Detective Ronny Rosario (Brian F. O’Byrne), Sal is planning a major heist/murdering spree of Brooklyn’s most corrupt, to secure a down payment for his family’s new home.
Don Cheadle plays Tango, an undercover officer looking to make Detective First Grade at any price. His best friend, Casanova Phillips, is played by the recently tax undermined Wesley Snipes. Given that this is Snipes’ first major foray back into feature films since his legal battles, I will assign him a “B” for a mediocre but fluid performance. I prefer Snipes as the lead actor, not as a follower. Tango is involved with a street gang in the sale and exchange of narcotics. Feeling slighted by the PD and their new grim reaper, Agent Smith (Ellen Barkin), Tango is inclined to help his best friend Casanova with one final deal, in order to earn enough money to disappear. Unfortunately, he has enemies, and Tango is not prescient to the death that is about to occur. His ultimate demise will be shocking to the entire audience.
In the last third of Brooklyn’s Finest, the lives of Eddie, Casanova, Tango, Ronny and Sal become connected by proximity and by a twist of fate. Audiences will feel vindicated more than abused, and excited more than apathetic, after witnessing the dramatic ending. There is no magic sentence that can define what this movie means, what it hopes to represent and what lasting impression it may or may not leave etched in your mind. It is well-executed, the music and the volume are pumped up, the acting is first class, and the amount of blood spilled is simply phenomenal. This picture is a real gusher. Somebody mop the floor, damn it, this one gets really down and dirty. Brooklyn’s Finest proves that cop dramas may be in high supply, but they are in high demand as well, and for good reason. The concept is always appealing, if presented with a new twist, a new location and talented actors. Cheadle, Gere and Hawke deserve an awful lot of applause; three cheers, Gents.
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Ninja Assassin
Director: James Mc Teigue
Writers: Matthew Sand, J. Michael Straczynski
Stars: Rain, Naomie Harris, Ben Miles
Release Date: November 25, 2009 Wide
Production Co: Warner Bros. Pictures/Dark Castle Ent.
Rating:
Ninja Assassin is all action and no plot. If it were a cemetery, there would be no resting place. The action is fast and furious, and will make every American viewer pray that we never go to war with an Asian nation! On the bright side, we may now have irrefutable proof that the pen is mightier than the sword; of course, it all depends on the wielder.
Ninja Assassin is a vicious romance tale. Young orphans are collected to join a secret organization, where they are trained and then sold to governments willing to pay millions of dollars for their services. The focus is on Raizo (Rain), the newest and most talented orphan to arrive at headquarters. There is no feat that Raizo cannot accomplish. Raizo performs death-defying stunts that dazzle the eye and challenge the imagination. Raizo is being groomed by sensei Ozunu (Sho Kosugi) to be the new leader of the orphanage’s trainees. This makes Raizo’s competitors jealous, and causes the only female ninja at the compound, Kiriko (Linh Dam Pham), to fall in love with him. Kiriko watches Raizo from a distance for years. Finally, in a moment of weakness, Kiriko confesses her feelings of love to Raizo. Kiriko pleads with Raizo that can no longer tolerate being a prisoner, knowing that her future will be full of death. In an ill-fated attempt to escape, our hero’s arch nemesis, Takeshi (Rick Yune), catches Kiriko, and murders her for disobedience. Emotionally obliterated and full of remorse, our assassin escapes. For years, Raizo has been hunted by the organization and their sensei.
With the transition to many years in the future, the plot becomes too frivolous for a rational spectator to handle. Thousands of expert assassins are charged with killing our hero, who is only one man. Despite the insurmountable odds, Raizo slices and dices his way through all of the would be assassins. Meanwhile, he is protecting a female police officer named Mika Coretti (Naomie Harris). Mika possesses the linguistic skills of a "Sesame Street" character (no disrespect to Sesame Street). No matter how bruised and battered (or chopped and bleeding to death!) our hero becomes, he utilizes mind over matter, and his ninja essence seals the most vicious wounds, a trick taught to him during his initial training by Ozunu.
This brings us to the end game. The ninjas are attacked at their secret location by an international law enforcement coalition led by Raizo, who sneaks in and slays his nemesis. Following his revenge, we are treated to a horrible CGI sequence, in which Raizo defeats the master of the entire organization while his entrails are pouring out. While gushing blood, he symbolically follows the escape route of his former true love, concluding the movie. I have no idea what to think. Ninja Assassin offers some of the most intense martial arts choreography in modern memory. Unfortunately, the acting is subpar, and at times, embarrassingly simplistic. Two chops up, and a dragon leg sweep down.
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Armored
Director: Nimród Antal
Writers: James V. Simpson, Chris Parker
Stars: Matt Dillon, Jean Reno, Laurence Fishburne
Release Date: December 4, 2009 Wide
Production Co: Sony/Screen Gems
Rating:
Armored features well-known action stars Matt Dillion (Mike), Lawrence Fishburne (Baines) and Jean Reno (Quinn). On account of the feebleness of the story, it will be fun to concentrate more on the individual actors and their roles. At all times, Reno looks like he is about to masturbate; observe his facial expressions and tell me I am mistaken. As usual, Fishburne is smooth, but his character does nothing meaningful. For his part, Dillon insults our intelligence. Here we are, in a dark and unpleasant theater, about to watch his latest semi-passable film about a bank robbery of sorts, and a preview comes on for another heist, starring…guess who…Matt Dillion. This reminds me of watching a snuff film, only to find out it is a fake! Imagine my disappointment.
This caper is about as unoriginal as one can imagine. Two armored security divisions are charged with delivering millions of dollars of bank funds on a daily basis. In light of their monetary needs, they decide to rob their company and pretend the “real” criminals have escaped. Mike, Quinn and Baines have studied past cases in order to determine a suitable course of action. Without any serious consideration of the consequences they will face if caught, the teams move forward with an ill-conceived plan that is non-specific and makes no sense whatsoever. It is never revealed how the robbers will spend the money, or where they will hide it.
Being shorthanded, Mike’s crew needs the help of the newest officer in the armored car organization. This is where we are treated to more liberalism. The officer is a returning war veteran about to lose his house for no explicable reason. We are told that banks are evil and capitalism is wrong. So, if a person cannot pay their bills, capitalism is at fault? He has a job; why is he behind on his mortgage payments? Reluctantly, he decides to join Dillon’s gang in their robbery plans. While unloading the money in an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of town (is there any other kind?), a homeless person witness the team’s nefariousness. Dillon’s crew kills the witness (who is a bum with no family, and no job, living in an abandoned craphole). This somehow bothers the new kid on the block, who decides he is a good person (while robbing 44 million from his own company) and locks himself in the armored car. This leads to 45 minutes of banging on the bolts, which will cause me to go deaf a little sooner than I had desired. Slowly, the characters are killed or commit suicide.
Armored is truly amazing. A group of criminals try to rob millions of dollars from their own company, and some commit suicide from guilt? Others turn on their friends and kill them. Others believe it is wrong to steal after they are already stealing. Eventually, everyone dies, except for our goody-two-shoes, who is just as guilty as everyone else; perhaps even more so. Then, goody two-shoes is rewarded with a commendation and praise from the commander of the armored car organization. Please shoot me, or let me jump off of a building…if I ever have to watch this movie again.
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Big Man Japan
Director: Hitoshi MatsumotoWriters: Hitoshi Matsumoto, Mitsuyoshi Takasu
Stars: Hitoshi Matsumoto, Riki Takeuchi, Ryunosuke Kamiki
Release Date: May 15, 2009 Wide
Production Co: Magnet Releasing
Rating:
Big Man Japan is a startling film. The hero of Japan is Daisato, defender of the nation, and a member of the “Department of Monster Prevention” (why do I get the feeling this is a “secret” department?). The organization unsurprisingly has only one member, and should really be called the “Ministry of Morons”. The only monstrosity here is the movie itself. I made it through two monsters. One is the Japanese Michelin man. He has rubbery arms, is hundreds of feet tall, and gives German suplexes to buildings (bring back Chris Benoit!). He suplexed Big Man Japan onto his neck, yet somehow, our super-tall protagonist managed to retaliate. His revenge is no ordinary feat. Daisato attacks the Michelin man with a stick that somehow tore him apart. Did I mention this unbeatable villain has a receding hairline? The second villain is an enormous leg with a head on top who rides Ferris wheels. It is fascinating that no matter how many millions of people live in Japan, none of them showed up as extras for this picture.
Big Man Japan is a misunderstood eight story tall freak of nature. Despite the public’s disapproval of Daisato, he manages to tattoo sponsors onto his chest, arms and legs. It is part of the Japanese Prime Minister’s ingenious “No Tattoo Left Behind Act”. I would love to offer this movie an F, but in all fairness, is it more of a D-. Perhaps this movie went over well in Japan? The leaflet suggests the movie is "hilarious". Hilarious or not, Big Man Japan is figuratively out of this world.
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Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
Director: Werner Herzog
Writers: William M. Finkelstein
Stars: Nicolas Cage, Eva Mendes, Val Kilmer
Release Date: November 20, 2009 Wide
Production Co: First Look Pictures
Rating:
Is criminality forgivable if the offender is an authentic mastermind? If the endpoint of nefariousness is the death of a thieving mafia gang and the apprehension of a crew of previously uncatchable drug dealing murderers, would that justify the extreme means that led to the outcome? On the scales of justice, how is one to weigh the actions of the police versus the crimes committed by gangsters? Director Werner Herzog gives us his best shot at explicating this Crime and Punishment, Jedi vs. Sith, right vs. wrong, good vs. evil philosophical query in the most bizarre film made in a dozen years, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.
Eva Mendes stars as a "lovable" prostitute (Frankie Donnenfeld) with a heart of gold and a sweetness that is endearing. Personally, I do not see her charm or appeal. Mendes utters a few barely coherent lines, and mostly serves as eye candy to satisfy the male demographic. Nicolas Cage plays Terence McDonagh, a detective promoted to Lieutenant on account of bravery and heroism. Val Kilmer lends a hand as Detective Stevie Pruit. Although the perennial "Iceman" cometh again in another career resuscitation attempt, Kilmer never truly delivers on his initial promise. In a nutshell, this is emblematic of Kilmer’s career; a star slowly fading away after such brilliant luminosity.
The story begins where it ends, with McDonagh choosing to interact with prisoner Evaristo Chavez (Nick Gomez). Detective McDonagh, in the immediate aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, is subsequently faced with a moral dilemma; he is forced to decide between allowing a trapped prisoner (Chavez) to drown, or to jump into murky water, fully clothed, in order to save the random stranger who committed God knows what crime. After some understandably initial reluctance, the do-gooding officer jumps in to save the criminal. We are privy (some time later) to x-rays of McDonagh’s spinal cord, which has been severely damaged in the rescue attempt. McDonagh will be able to continue walking and working at full capacity, but the pain will be chronic and nearly unendurable. This begins a period of years of pharmaceutical and drug abuse. At first, only the big three entered his previously untainted bloodstream, Oxycodone, Vicodin, and Percocet.
For his act of heroism, Detective McDonagh becomes Lieutenant McDonagh of the Port of New Orleans precinct. It seems that since sustaining a severe spinal injury, our "Bad Lieutenant" has become a pharmaceutical drug abuser. When standard medications are not potent enough, McDonagh’s drugs of choice are marijuana, cocaine, heroin and crack (he even wields a lucky crack pipe, just for fun). On a side note, it is rather inexplicable how McDonagh’s colleagues overlook his flagrant drug abuse, and seemingly dismiss it altogether as a minor vice. Adding fuel to the already obstreperous blaze, the Lieutenant has a severe gambling problem that lands him in trouble. McDonagh foolishly bets on college football games by picking longshots to win. These scenes make for great comedy.
The story of Bad Lieutenant is incredibly complicated, so stay with me and I will make it as short and concise as possible. Lieutenant McDonagh has to interrogate Big Fate (rapper Xzibit) and his associates, Midget (Lucius Baston), and G (Tim Bellow). The gang refuses to offer any information on the massacre they allegedly committed. Fortunately for the NOPD, a young man named Daryl (Denzel Whitaker) witnessed the crime. Unfortunately, the young man is taken into protective custody, under the care of Lt. McDonagh. On the same day, McDonagh’s best friend, Frankie (Mendes), has been beaten by a client, and calls for McDonagh’s immediate help. Never one to shy away from a distress call, McDonagh goes to Frankie’s rescue, and then steals her client’s money, because the S&M lover mercilessly beat her, and then refused to pay. This brings the mafia into the equation, and the Lt. becomes a target, owing recompense plus interest, in the amount of $50,000. Normally, officer addict would steal drugs from young people in exchange for their freedom and silence, but he has to devise a plan of action for earning enough money so as to avoid sure death and dismemberment. In the middle of all this, the young and only witness to Big Fate’s murdering spree escapes and flees to London.
McDonagh is forced to interrogate Daryl’s guardian and her elderly client at gunpoint; he heinously threatens to suffocate the old woman if she refuses to reveal the boy’s whereabouts. This leads to nowhere but trouble, and the loss of the prime witness. The Lt. now has gambling debts, needs to pay back 50K to the mafia to keep his prostitute girlfriend safe, and he must tend to his alcoholic father and mother’s rehab arrangements. McDonagh devises a plan to infiltrate Big Fate’s gang in order to kill two birds with one enormous boulder. Revealing more would not only ruin the movie; it would cause you never to watch it.
First of all, any movie with an actor named Xzibit in it is automatically lowered in value. Second, Mendes offers absolutely nothing for viewers, other than toothy smiles and grins. Kilmer is barely noticeable, beyond a terrible dye job done by amateur makeup artists. Other critics have heralded Bad Lieutenant as "masterful" and "thrilling". It is boring throughout, and it feels like it lasts five grueling hours. It is the longest 122 minute film in the history of 122 minute films (I am not sure I had ever watched a 122 minute film before today!). Admittedly, I am biased; I do not like watching people get high on pot, smoke crack, snort heroine, or abuse prescription medications…call me old fashioned. Nicolas Cage is one of my all time favorite actors, and I am not sure how to react to this. Cage’s character rapes girls in front of their boyfriends after stealing their drugs, threatens football players to influence gambling spreads, and associates with criminals while acting worse than them, in order to arraign them. While I expected to be thoroughly entertained, and even wished I had been able to catch this picture at the theater, I am now thankful I failed, because Port Call failed along with me.
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Clash of the Titans
Director: Louis Leterrier
Writers: Phil Hay, Matt Manfredi
Stars: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes
Release Date: April 2, 2010 Wide
Production Co: Warner Bros
Rating:
Clash of the Titans is the first summer blockbuster. The entire film reminds of a fourth of July fireworks display; at the beginning, everything seems new and awe-striking. Toward the middle, the explosives are in a holding pattern, and temporarily lose our interest; they become like anything else from repetition. The grand finale that takes us out with a bang. This is the perfect metaphor for describing Clash of the Titans, a remake of the 1981 original starring Sir Lawrence Olivier.
Fresh off a record breaking box office performance in Avatar, Sam Worthington is at it again as the legendary Greek hero, Perseus. In my opinion, Worthington is no Russell Crowe, and he ranks in the bush leagues compared to Hugh Jackman. As Perseus, he looks scrawny, has a vexatious Australian accent (last I checked, Perseus is part of Greek mythology, not Australian lore), and seems too arrogant for this role (perhaps Worthington is a demigod in his own mind?). Liam Neeson plays the almighty Zeus, who expresses too much compassion for humans. Zeus does not show enough potency, and he offers very little in the way of commanding dialogue (one would expect Zeus to have a reverberating voice). Gemma Arterton is Io (another demigod that is as lovely as she is talented, albeit unseemly pale). Ralph Fiennes (Lord Voldemort) steals the show as Hades, god of the underworld. The storyline of Clash does not entirely follow the "real" mythology of Perseus, but it does incorporate two of the major achievements of Zeus’ son. Both achievements make up the wildest scenes in the movie; the subjugation of Medusa and the rescue of Andromeda.
Historical accuracy aside (I taught the Dawning of Western Civilization at the college level), Clash is a fascinating film. It will undoubtedly increase book sales of mythological tales, particularly Edith Hamilton's Mythology. The story in Clash is presented in such a way as to attract new followers of history, whether correct or not. Hollywood directors (Hi Oliver Stone, how are you?) have a way of distorting historical events to suit their ideological templates. I partially accept this, as long as it provokes people to take an interest in the history of the Western world. Great movies are supposed to encourage critical thinking (not that this is a great movie).
As aforesaid, the two most eye-popping scenes are Perseus’ encounter with the poly-cephalous slithering Medusa, and his slaying of the sea monster Kraken. The fight with Medusa is simply riveting! It is suspenseful, meshes well graphically, and it might be frightening to younger audiences. Hades’ son, Kraken, the mythical sea monster, is humongous. He towers over everyone and everything. He is only susceptible to one stimulus, the stoning head of Medusa. Even the mightiest of creatures has a weakness; it simply takes an intelligent hero to exploit their vulnerability.
Perhaps the most intriguing storyline development is the actual clash of the titans: Zeus of Olympus and his brother Hades of the underworld. One admires and pities man, while the other thrives on man’s fear. Zeus prospers as man prays to the gods and worships their creators. Hades’ strength increases as man bears misfortune and grows fearful of the gods.
Unfortunately for filmgoers, Olympus is rather sparkly and cheaply manufactured; it lacks the appearance of the lair of towering, immortal Gods. The appearance of the underworld is barely touched on, despite its central involvement to the plot. The monsters and beasts unleashed in their titanic struggle are very creative, and are a sight to behold (although, I must point out that several of the mythical "animals" look like scorpions and blue tree limbs; they look neat, but in reality, their likenesses have been shown in several other films).
Clash of the Titans is presented in no ordinary 3D; this is the most balanced exposition of the quality that 3D can produce. If 3D can enhance an IMAX film so much as to make it worth the price of admission, just imagine what it has done to this major production. Normally, 3D makes a picture that much better by offering something extra. In this case, 3D perfectly complements the action scenes and looks like it belongs there. For this reason, Clash of the Titans is a must see at the movie theater. To save it for home viewing on DVD, without three dimensionality, would be a colossal shame (pun intended). Even so, one cannot deny that Blu-ray DVD technology is at the forefront of the cinematographic revolution.
Laudatory remarks for the 3D aspect aside, this picture literally does nothing for me. Had I gone to a late showing instead of an early evening screening, I would have fallen asleep. Oh sure, the film has its exciting moments, and it is not boring by any stretch of the imagination, but I have seen this sort of song and dance before. Not this particular storyline, nor these same actors, but the epic blockbuster has been done many times before and with greater accuracy and enjoyability. I prefer Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and Gladiator more than I do Clash. It certainly deserves credit for being a unique epic picture, but so much feels borrowed and very little seems new. Clash has made a place for itself on the Mount Rushmore of epics, but it is near the bottom of the mountain, even if Zeus desires otherwise. Zeus can get as angry as he wants, this picture will be loved by many moviegoers, but I am not one of them.
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Kick Ass
Director: Matthew Vaughn
Writers: Jane Goldman, Matthew Vaughn
Stars: Aaron Johnson, Nicolas Cage, Christopher Mintz-Plasse
Release Date: April 16, 2010 Wide
Production Co: Lionsgate
Rating:
There is something very special about comic books; they attract a unique crowd of devoted followers (hence, the global success of Comic-Con) and occasionally, a few inquisitive stragglers. Comic books can sometimes portray real life, but their special purpose is to illustrate the imaginations of their creators. To contrast movies and comic books is really like comparing night and day; it would require doctoral dissertations, and there is no clear-cut way to condense the differentiation in a short review. Most movies are adaptations of television shows, novels, short stories or comic books. This does not mean that every comic book deserves to be adapted for the big screen. Too often, movie studios take advantage of a way to garner an easy pay day, even if it means sacrificing the value of a classic medium (such as the comics). Though adored by critics and many moviegoers, I must distance myself from the majority and state unequivocally that the movie Kick Ass, based on the comic book of the same name, is a disaster in every way, shape and form.
Please do not think of me as an elitist or as a snob. Before leaving for the screening of Kick Ass, I was engrossed in reading three novels; The Girl Who Played With Fire, Darth Bane: Path of Destruction, and Darth Maul: Shadowhunter. I am as much a lover of science fiction, superheroes, murder and mystery as anyone else, if not more. All it takes to amuse me is a clever script, skillful acting and some really well-orchestrated special effects. Well folks, Kick Ass offers none of those three prerequisites, and in fact, I feel cheated for having watched it. An analogy is in order. Many of you will agree the Twilight books are great reads, as they are fast moving intriguing stories. The only drawback is they are written for teenagers and are not intended to appeal to scholarly readers. Meanwhile, Kick Ass is intended for seven-year-olds who are seeing an R-Rated movie for the first time. It has all of the hallmarks of pre-teen adult overreach. Twenty-five percent of the words are "shit", "fuck", and "damn it". Hearing sixteen-year-olds with haircuts that only Supercuts could produce utter the words fuck and shit twenty times each is not hip, edgy or cool; it is not even surprising…it is plain offensive and dumb.
There is nothing interesting about the main characters. Nicolas Cage plays Damon Macready, a middle aged man that fights crime while dressed as an unarmored version of Batman. His daughter Mindy (Chloe Moretz) is trained as a weapons master; part of her training includes being shot at point blank range in the chest by her father, so she can learn to absorb the impact of bullets and continue fighting. Way to earn that Dad of the Year award! Normally it is the kids who want to kill their parents. Watching pre-menstrual girls fight mobsters is purported to be dazzling. Am I supposed to find this cute? Should I marvel (pun intended) at the novelty of a girl kicking the asses of professional hitmen? What is the probability of this happening in real life? Infinitesimal is my colorful word for never, ever, never, ever.
David Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) is "Kick Ass", a "superhero" impervious to pain. Wanting to be greater than just a smart teenager with two really cool friends, he decides to buy a custom made outfit and fight crime. On his first attempt to thwart a misdemeanor, Kick Ass is stabbed and nearly beaten to death…and then accidently run over; oops. Through the miracle of modern surgery, Kick Ass is able to walk again, as several broken bones are fixed, and screws are inserted into his legs and back. This encourages Kick Ass to go on a mini-rampage; he attacks four heavily armed gang members with two plastic sticks (which must hurt worse than whiffle ball bats, right?). Despite absorbing fifty or so punches and kicks, and losing the majority of the fight, the superhero (still waiting for Superman folks) is caught on tape and becomes an anonymous internet sensation. Apparently, 30 million people watched the video of a teen dressed as a superhero in a 7-11 parking lot? According to Dwight K. Schrute from “The Office”, watching Youtube at work is time theft!
Our favorite nerdy nerd, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, is Red Mist, son of a dangerous mobster, who once again follows the recent trend of family and friends betraying their parents or bosses or best friends for seemingly no reason whatsoever. Despite not having any muscle or martial arts skills of any kind, Red Mist becomes a mobster. I had better dust off the latex. Regrettably, Clark Duke is in this picture; he must be convinced his career will be over soon, so he better earn as much money as possible now, just in case.
I am more outraged than speechless. There is nothing original in this entire film; it is a profanity laden tirade! The nicest comment I can contrive about Kick Ass is that it is unnecessary. Even Samuel L. Jackson would wonder why they said fuck so many times motherfucka! Maybe they had had it with all those motherfuckin’ costumes in that motherfuckin’ city? Please tell me why a sixteen-year-old wimp would jump off of a building, which is 20 stories high, without a parachute or armor? Nicolas Cage must have still been high from all the drugs he took in Bad Lieutenant to have accepted this role. Honest to God, people, have we really sunk this far that comic books which are terrible have become movies that we are supposed to enjoy and laugh throughout? I make 100 jokes a day, and I laughed zero times during Kick Ass. I will laugh at anything, except wasting two hours of my life watching morons act (you guessed it) moronic. I know you will be tempted to see Kick Ass, and in some way. I am weary you might like it, but please do not bother. If I made you curious, shame on me.
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New York, I Love You
Director: Fatih Akin, Yvan Attal
Writers: Hu Hong, Yao Meng
Stars: Hayden Christensen, Andy Garcia, Rachel Bilson
Release Date: October 16, 2009 Wide
Production Co: Vivendi Entertainment
Rating:
New York, I Love You presents a series of vignettes about various people living in New York. This includes Hassidic Jews (Natalie Portman among them), lecherous adventurers (Drea de Matteo, Chris Cooper and Ethan Hawke), true lovers (Bradley Cooper (in love with himself, no doubt), Shia LaBeouf (as a horny teenager in desperate need of a prom date) and more. Hayden Christensen plays a pickpocket who falls in love with Andy Garcia’s freshman fling (Garcia is a philandering married NYU professor). Orlando Bloom and Christina Ricci share a peculiar segment in which they fall madly in love. All stages of love, from its inchoate phase to its happy or unhappy conclusion are presented.
Marriages are on the rocks, love is burgeoning, sexual lusting is everywhere, and devotion is taken to the extreme. The list of stars is a mile long and includes a virtual “who’s who” of Hollywood. The film aspires to be formulaic, like Crash or Valentine’s Day, but it falls short of its goal. Half of New York, I Love You is intriguing because of the presence of the actors, but not because of anything resembling a compelling script. It is a film that may bring a romantic tear or notion to your heart, but will undoubtedly leave you asking in the proverbial, the vernacular, the colloquial, and the pop-culturesque, "WTF is this?"
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Iron Man 2
Director: Jon Favreau
Writers: Justin Theroux, Stan Lee
Stars: Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle
Release Date: May 7, 2010 Wide
Production Co: Paramount Studios
Rating:
Actor/Director Jon Favreau has effectively destroyed the Iron Man character by caricaturizing Iron Man, and turned him into a self-centered, self-loathing, self-pitying imbecilic fool. Iron Man 2 is a cacophony of crap, and by all means, you may quote me on that. What qualifies Favreau to direct super hero films? Favreau is, by any standard, a lame actor; he is not an aesthetically handsome lady-killer, and he has almost no directorial aptitude that would lead a movie executive to believe that he could properly conduct a hundred million dollar Marvel super hero comic franchise like "the Maestro" from "Seinfeld" conducts Elaine’s vital organs.
Last we heard from Tony Stark (the billionaire, industrialist, inventor, genius, and physical specimen played by Downey, Jr.) he admitted to being Iron Man, savior of the planet, democracy and a few dozen other small things. Now, he is suffering from a nearly debilitating disease caused by the reactor that sustains his heart/body/life force. Stark’s reactor corrodes if he does, and disempowers him if he doesn’t; oh, what a dilemma! While suffering from physical agony, Tony is also waging a war with his alleged best friend (Lt. Colonel Rhodes), with business competitor Justin Hammer, and with mentally insane Russian physicist Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke). Rhodes used to be played by the ever-talented and insanely compelling Terrence Howard; he has been replaced by Don Cheadle, the most boring man in the universe (other than Favreau, of course). Cheadle single-handedly destroys the essence of the character by making the "Rhodey" character appear to be despicable. Toward the middle of our story, Rhodey decides Tony is uncooperative with Congress and is not the rightful protector or wearer of the Iron Man suit. Having never flown it before and not having any prior experience operating it, Rhodey steals a suit, annihilates Stark, collapses his mansion and retrieves the Iron Man technology for the U.S. military against his best friend’s wishes. With friends like that, who the hell needs friends?
Aspiring industrialist Hammer is played by Sam Rockwell, an actor chosen for his ability (and he does this quite successfully) to appear smarmy, shady, and sadistic in the most unsatisfactory way possible. Rockwell completely and utterly sucks! Listening to his sotto-voce ramblings and pussified verses is enough to send moviegoers home, and as quickly as though somebody had yelled fire in a crowded theater (kids, this is illegal, so only try this at home).
As for the meat and potatoes of why Iron Man 2 is a contender for biggest blunder in the history of super hero movies (of course people, we could never forget Hellboy 2!), we must put the microscope on Mickey Rourke. While impressive in The Wrestler, Rourke’s steroids have subsequently worn off; his body has become old, and his shtick is unwelcome. Rourke is dressed to look like an Asiatic barbarian, or a Mongol of the Genghis Khan variety. Rourke plays the role of Ivan Vanko. His father dies, and Ivan blames Howard and Tony Stark for stealing his dad’s reactor technology. On account of this, Rourke smuggles himself into a French grand prix race, where Stark is a contestant, and obliterates the entire field of racers. Rourke slices Stark’s car in half with electrified whips powered by a primitive version of Iron Man’s reactor. After being captured, he is not killed or harmed in any way. Instead, Rourke is easily broken out of prison by the Hammer. What does Hammer want? To put Stark out of business by building millions or Iron Man suits. What does Ivan ask for in return for his technological know-how? The safe return of his bird that is still theoretically alive in Russia, despite being unfed for weeks. Seriously, this is his asking price. Rourke’s motivation is virtually non-existent, his worldview is indeed primitive and small-minded, and his character is a ginormous waste of my (forgive my Al Pacino pilfering) motherfucking time.
So, to recap, Favreau has brought us the utter ruin of the Iron Man persona, the destruction of the Rhodey character, two villains who are like gangrenous legs (lame and useless, to be more exact), and a plot that is more reminiscent of the latest attempt at G.I. Joe than it is like Batman or Superman. Did I mention Gwyneth Paltrow, a.k.a. "Pepper" is now C.E.O. of Stark Industries?
Eventually, Scarlett Johansson and personal favorite Samuel L. Jackson come to the rescue (for a few brief moments) and add some real sizzle and spice to the movie. Unfortunately, even their best shot is not enough to counteract the blandness brought on by the biggest idiot in Hollywood history, Jon Favreau. I recommend that if you have not already wasted your money, please wait for the reviews to come out, and for the DVD release (hell, the HBO release) before giving up over two hours of your time. I regret losing a minute of my time and a nickel of my money on this bloated monstrosity. Oops.
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Robin Hood
Director: Director Ridley Scott
Writers: Ethan Reiff, Cyrus Voris
Stars: Russell Crowe, Max von Sydow, Cate Blanchett
Release Date: May 14, 2010 Wide
Production Co: Universal
Rating:
"Robin Hood" is a tale that has been told and retold ad infinitum, ad nauseum, and ad my review. Each iteration is different, and the new version crafted by director Ridley Scott, starring his favorite five time foot soldier Russell Crowe, is no exception. Many pictures today are just like new pop music, all glitz and glamour, but devoid of substance. Songs today rely on repetition, monosyllabic high pitches and inane nonsensical psycho-babble. Scott and Crowe’s Robin Hood, unlike its weekend competition, matches a different description: it is quite simply FUN!
This new Robin Hood is less of a thief and more of a journeyman warrior. Rightfully so, as there is nothing Ridley Scott knows how to do better than direct battle scenes (Scott must have been born during a game of Battle Chess or Stratego). The four featured actors are Russell Crowe (as Robin Longstride of the Hood), Max Von Sydow (as Sir Walter Loxley, former devotee of Robin’s father), Cate Blanchett (as Maid Marion Loxley), and Marc Strong (as Philip Godfrey). As his journey begins, Robin is a soldier in the army of England’s King Richard Coeur de Lion (the "Lionhearted"). Robin is punished when he publicly disagrees with the King’s decision to slaughter unarmed civilians during their peaceful crusade. Soon thereafter, while the King is busy fighting, the King is brought down by a fatal arrow that is shot into his jugular vein. The ensuing confusion allows our hero-in-the-making an opportunity to escape, unseen, with his friends.
This brings us to a coincidental happenstance; Maid Marion is the widow of a husband slain by Philip Godfrey. I have always wondered if a woman has outlived two husbands, does she then become a good housekeeper? As Philip is about to issue a second killing stroke, Robin and his friends (including "Little John;" not the rap artist, yeah!) ambush them. Philip is dispatched, and Robin is asked to return the dying man’s sword to his disappointed father, Sir Walter Loxley.
Meanwhile, several adventures are underway and will eventually coalesce for the climax/denouement. Richard’s only surviving son, Prince John, and his femme fatale, Eleanor of Aquitaine, are conspiring to take the throne. This is made incredibly easy by the fortuitous and untimely death of Prince John’s father in battle on his way home to reclaim the crown. Robin and company deliver the crown, and then set off to return the dead knight’s sword. This brings him to Maid Marion, a grieving and faithful widow, and her father, a former follower of Robin’s philosophizing dad, Sir Walter Loxley. Slowly, Robin and Marion’s affection for one another builds, as Robin proves himself to be a decent man and a warrior. Meanwhile, in London, Prince John is crowned and becomes fooled by Philip whose ambition is to divide England by instigating civil war. Philip plans to unleash a massive French fleet invasion on English soil, for his own usurpation. Philip is a traitorous villain who nearly dooms the entire nation, and easily coerces a young and irascible King John.
However, King John eventually listens to reason, because his father’s longtime devotee and advisor of state, William Marshall (played by the talented William Hurt), convinces the Queen of her husband’s closest friend’s (Godfrey’s) double-cross. Once the King has his sights set on quelling a rebellion and preventing an invasion in its infancy, all of England becomes united. This includes the nobles and lords, as well as "Sir" Robin, who is impersonating Sir Robert Loxley.
The battle for England is fierce and exciting! The combat scene where the precision of archers is unveiled is fascinating. The actions of the characters make sense from a storyline perspective, and the King (played by Guatemalan Oscar Isaac) fools nearly everybody with promises of a redrafting of England’s laws. There is so much trickery and chicanery, that the real villain is not revealed to be the new boy-king until the end. Divine right monarchy, more often than not, ruled the day throughout Europe. In a sense (and please, former professors and mentors, do not shoot the counter-factualistic conservative here), if monarchs and Queens had been more steadfast in maintaining their power, Europe might still be ascendant and powerful, rather than bankrupt and decaying. Go Western Union, I mean, European Union!