Finding Purpose after Abuse
By Kathleen Schubitz
* * * * *
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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Copyright © 2008 by Kathleen Schubitz
All poetry copyright © 2003-2011 Kathleen Schubitz
Scripture verses are quoted from the King James Version of the Bible.
Slightly revised and modified to fit ebook guidelines
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What readers are saying about this book:
“What a wonderful book! It inspired me with hope, and reminded me of God’s promises. Finding Purpose after Abuse is not like any other book I’ve read on this subject.”
—34-year Female Survivor
Orlando, Florida
“The road of life is a long and winding process, often taking violent and cruel turns, which lead to hurt and destruction. The author’s journey from darkness into the light is a miraculous and inspiring one. The reader is captured and gets to ride along. We (as readers) are able to see the mighty works of God as we travel with her on her journey to peace and deliverance. A good read!”
—Bishop Gary Parson
Redemption Life Ministries
www.redemptionlife.org
Haskell, Oklahoma
“To those who have suffered from abuse (physical, sexual, verbal), this book will help on the road to recovery. Ample scripture verses give solace, guidance, and encouragement as you progress from victim, to survivor, to freedom as a winner. The author did!”
—George Fisher, Ph.D., Master of Divinity
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Maitland, Florida
Table of Contents
Ch 4: Fooled Twice, Shame on Me
Definitions of Abuse vs. Healthy Relationship Characteristics
To God in Heaven, thank you for delivering me from myself, for teaching and guiding me, for bringing truth and healing that allows me to minister, encourage, and give hope to other survivors.
To my parents, John and Donna Schubitz, who are now in Heaven, thank you for raising me. I would not be where I am or the woman of God I am today if it were not for both of you.
To Teresa Schubitz (now in Heaven), who lived a life of abuse and sexual assault, who did not share her story, but who has left an impression of God by her everyday living during her short stay on earth.
To all survivors—especially to my sisters and my brother—God has a plan for you: one of hope, encouragement, forgiveness, and freedom. My prayer is that we all find God’s very best in life.
To every individual, church, pastoral leader, and ministry ever used by God to bring this book to reality, I thank you.
Special thanks to all those who believed in my story and dedicated hours of helping with editorial suggestions, design, input, and corrections.
A big heartfelt thank you to Sheryl Rivas for her passion to live a life filled with purpose and for her endless hours of editing and correcting, to help me perfect the finished book.
Thank you to Manoj Chauhan for allowing me to use his testimony for God to minister healing to readers.
Thank you to Apostle Nelia Frazier of Eagles Mount Fellowship & Prophetic Ministries Training Center for believing in me and my story. Her words of love, praise, and encouragement will always bring comfort in knowing what God has called me to do.
Thank you to Aileen Walther and Connie Smith-Mendez for their time and dedication to help with the revised edition.
Thank you to Margaret Everett for all her love, words of encouragement, help, and support.
It takes a swimmer to teach someone to swim. It takes a musician to train a musician. One who wants to learn a foreign language must go for training to someone who knows that language. If your life has been riddled with abusive relationships and destructive behavior patterns, a good step toward your own recovery is to find someone who has successfully overcome similar life challenges and then to learn his or her story.
Finding Purpose after Abuse is an amazing and candid story of one who has not only survived some of the worst atrocities that can come upon a woman, but also of one who has learned to look to God for comfort, healing, and unconditional love. As Kathleen Schubitz’s story unfolds, the reader is also encouraged to walk through the process of healing and spiritual growth with her.
Although the subject matter is intense and at times told vividly, the book’s layout offers the reader diversity in style through both prose and poetry. Kathleen has included pages in her book for notes and personal comments to encourage the readers to reflect on their own past and to walk through the process of healing, too.
I encourage those of you who feel that the “good life” always seems to be for someone else because the nightmares of the past hold you captive, to begin your healing journey with this book. If fear is the dominant emotion with which you live, I suggest that this book may be the open door that helps bring you out of the prison that fear has built for you.
Most of us have had the occasion to meet people who seem to go through revolving doors of bad relationships or continuous “bad breaks.” Sometimes the root of the problem has been ignored or disguised, but it goes back to a childhood experience or an abusive relationship that has been swept under the carpet or locked away in a “We don’t talk about these things” closet. This book may be the key to unlock the closet door, to deal with the past in order for healing to come, and let the prisoner go free.
Perhaps you have been the perpetrator and you, too, are held in a prison called “Guilt”—seeking forgiveness. I believe that this book could be the beginning of your healing and release from destructive behavior.
Kathleen has found the only One who can bring total healing, total forgiveness, total restoration, and total peace. Over the years, Kathleen has walked through her own gradual healing process. As her faith in God and her love for God have grown, so has her healing taken place. Her life continues to transform, and a beautiful woman of God emerges with a new strength, an amazing boldness, and a refreshing zeal for life.
As her peers would say, “There is no hatred, no bitterness, no resentment, no unforgiveness in you.”
It is my pleasure to introduce the true healer, Jesus Christ, Son of God, to you through the real-life story of Kathleen Schubitz presented in her book, Finding Purpose after Abuse.
Apostle Nelia Frazier
Eagles Mount Fellowship & Prophetic Ministries Training Center, Inc.
Riverview, Florida
To find purpose, a person who has been a victim of abuse must be willing to seek purpose intentionally according to God’s way in life and then resolve within himself or herself to attain a life without abuse. Most importantly, we need to learn from our past experiences, desire change, and strive for godliness.
God has a design for your life. Whether you have experienced minimal or occasional abuse, or have survived great trials and decided to read this self-help book, be thankful that you are alive. Now is the time for God, and now is the time to discover that you have a purpose.
Finding Purpose after Abuse is an inspirational self-help book that I did not aspire to write some day. Rather it pulls from thirty plus years of experience, hardship, and relationship with God. Recalling experiences and tapping into the depths of my soul has not been easy, but it was “God’s call to share my story” which has turned a spoken word (His spirit to my spirit) from 2005 into a finished reality.
The Webster’s New Practical Dictionary summarizes abuse as follows: Misuse; an abuse of his/her privileges; physical mistreatment; a corrupt practice; fault; offense; coarse and insulting speech.
The Domestic Abuse Project defines abuse as a systematic pattern of behaviors in a relationship that are used to gain and/or maintain control and power over another.
The subject of abuse is a sensitive topic but one I know God wants to address in greater measure. Abuse of all kinds is running rampant. Closet abusers are being exposed as the daring rape survivors tell their stories. Domestic violence statistics are climbing. Some members of churches are not even safe in a so-called safe place. Where do they go? To whom should they turn? Psychological violence, emotional, sexual, and physical abuse is occurring in all circles of life, including Christianity.
Child molestation, incest, assault, and rape are unspeakable acts, yet they are happening all over our world. Women whom I meet tell me parts of their horror stories; teachers and ministers are sickened by adults mistreating children. Some adults have vivid recollections of the sexual or physical misuse of their bodies by parents (usually fathers), uncles, or other father-like figures. To top the tragedy of men abusing women, how inconceivable it is for a male to abuse another male!
“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:” - 2 Timothy 3:16
I believe it is time for men and women of God to change the world. Let us be silent no more; let us speak out. Let us obtain wisdom and apply the knowledge and truth to a life that God intended. As God’s children, we need to take responsibility for choices made and the silence once kept. Now is the time to be free. Let us pray and speak. Let’s make a difference in the lives of those around us. The world will be a better place if we will not keep silent, not be ashamed, but pray, and watch God answer our prayers.
The Word of God, the Holy Bible, has very few scriptures about abuse. There are, however, endless scripture references for instruction on coping, dealing with, and working through the experiences and feelings we have. The despair and bondage that people live day-to-day is too great. God wants His children of all ages to be free, not to live in fear; instead, to love, and to be loved.
“Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.” - Isaiah 48:10
Facing truth is a scary thing but necessary for you to receive your healing. God will reveal truth to you as you open your heart and mind to Him. You may not be able to read the entire book at once. That’s OK. Continue to face truth as God reveals it to you, and you will become a tempered vessel for Him and the Kingdom of God.
“But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.” - John 3:21
“I have chosen the way of truth: thy judgments have I laid before me.” - Psalm 119:30
Whether you’re going through abuse, or have become a survivor, you have a purpose to discover. Or you may be one of the fortunate ones who has not experienced abuse. My hope is that this story of survival and pursuit of truth, love, and joy will inspire you, and help you or a friend find the way to a life filled with unspeakable joy.
To give credibility to this subject of abuse and survival, I have included some of my life’s experiences so readers may relate to one woman’s experience. The focus, however, is not on me, but on God.
No matter what type of abuse you may have experienced, God is always able to make good come from every situation, as long as you choose to praise Him as Romans tells us:
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” - Romans 8:28
The Word of God has been included with emphasis because my life is not my own. It is God’s. This life has been interwoven with the Creator of the universe.
I believe the Bible has been written as a reference and guide to be read over and over again, with the Holy Spirit giving interpretation and understanding to each of us individually. Therefore, scripture references are used from the King James Version because I have found it to be the most romantic version and my personal preference. Please feel free to reference the Bible of your choice.
Additional resources are included at the end of this book since there were so many people and ministries which God used to bring healing to my soul. At the end of each chapter I have included a blank section for personal reflection and notes.
My prayer is that you will open your heart and mind to the endless possibilities of your pursuit for freedom, forgiveness, and a life filled with purpose. We are inseparable. Nothing can separate us from the love of God.
Kathy Schubitz
Since this book is written by a woman, I cannot totally relate to male-gender experiences. I do believe that many of the feelings, especially humiliation and fear, are the same.
Male or female, we all put up a guard or shield to protect ourselves against loved ones or strangers, to keep them from ever hurting us again. In order to receive total healing, forgiveness, and freedom, we must allow God to tear our defenses down—and rebuild us, bring us freedom, and transform us into His likeness.
As you accept truth for your experiences, you can find God’s truth and healing in scripture verses. You can apply God’s word to your life and particular situations, and find that His love for you is not different from His love for women. He may have made us differently, but His love is the same.
God bless you on your journey of finding freedom, forgiveness and true love!
A man of God was raised a Hindu. He was taught to believe that he would always be a Hindu. Here is his brief story of salvation and redemption.
He was married in England and had two children. After several years, his wife wanted a divorce. He was devastated; he was heartbroken. He did not know what to do. He has scars on his hands from attempted suicide. He abused his family—mentally, verbally, and he beat them up! How could a God of love forgive him?
He came to the United States and opened a shoe repair shop. Many men and women of God befriended him, though he knew hardly anyone in the area. Eventually the Spirit of God made him realize he had nothing; he had no where to turn.
People visited his shop every day. He shared his problems and people to prayed for him though his attitude toward praying people was lackadaisical. They repeatedly spoke truth, invited him to church, and persisted in helping him find his way to Jesus Christ.
It took only three years for the God of love to capture his heart. He revealed all truth, forgave him for what seemed an unforgivable sin—to beat and practically destroy other human beings—but he was forgiven. His behavior had been generational, passed on to him by his natural father. Because this man now stands for Jesus, the curse of abuse was broken for his children and all future generations.
God has totally restored his relationships with his mother and father, friends, his brother and sisters, and all his family, because he chose freedom, he chose truth, and he chose the love of God. There is hope for all who will come to God.
—Transcribed
Testimonial
Used with permission
The first of six children, I was a tomboy for most of my life. Our family grew up in Illinois and moved to Wisconsin during the high school years. My father was an alcoholic and was verbally abusive toward my mother and our family.
Dad was a genius. He was very gifted in his abilities, especially architectural and automotive pursuits. My father taught his gift of fixing and building vehicles to my brother, who now owns his own shop. Mom was a great cook and the hostess of our home regularly. She never seemed to be worn out!
Mom did not understand that she could get help and support through Alanon to cope with an alcoholic husband. It was normal for our parents to follow the pattern of their parents in raising us.
Our parents did not know how to show love or encourage us. They accepted circumstances that happened to them, and they lived the best they knew how. They did not know that they had power to change their future and the future of their children.
My mother believed that not talking about “the birds and the bees” was abstinence. She thought that by not teaching us about sex, we would not get into trouble. Personally, I did not have dates in school because I was shy and did not learn to communicate with people, except to express my feelings of sibling rivalry in the family.
With that said, the family dynamic and make-up was dysfunctional, alcoholic, verbally abusive (psychologically violent), and noncommunicative. The dysfunction and abuse did not begin in our generation. It traveled through generations before us. Cancer also had its claws in our family members who lived before us.
Mom and Dad were raised in the Midwest region of the United States and remained there until they left this earth. Dad died from cirrhosis of the liver in 1993. Mom passed away in November 2006 after a bout with cancer.
Life was extremely sheltered. We were much protected growing up. I was shy in high school as one of 20 graduates and knew that I could not exist in a small town where everyone knew everyone else. Most of the townspeople were inter-related, seemed to have sex, have babies and then usually married. I escaped!
As soon as my eighteenth birthday came, I left home, but not on the best of terms. Life at home was verbally abusive. My father was drowning sorrow with alcohol, while the environment was nonsupportive, nonencouraging, and nonloving. I was sure that life in the big city of Chicago would be an improvement over the sheltered life in the woods of Northern Wisconsin. I knew there was something more and greater out in the world. I just did not have a clue what it might be.
Needless to say, in about six months I learned everything that I did not learn at home! I spent too much time at the local bar (influenced by a relative), had a mouth like a sailor, and life was okay. It was better than the one I left.
My first experience of intercourse resulted in a pregnancy. I had an abortion at age 19. I did not understand myself or know what I wanted out of life. As a young adult, one whose brain was not yet developed, I thought to myself, “How can I raise a child without understanding or being able to support myself?” Within a couple of months, I was sexually molested by an uncle in whose home I lived. I later realized that he beat his wife, and I had been living in another verbally and physically abusive environment.
During the next year, I became involved with a man and married him. After ten years of trying to make an alcoholic, cheating husband love me, the marriage ended in divorce.
While the divorce was pending, I met a man who did the Lord’s work, or so I was led to believe. I created a “soul tie” because I thought I needed a man to be complete, and committed to marriage again. Despite God’s voice that I heard when I asked whether he was “the one,” I disobeyed and married him anyway (Dt 10:12).
My relationship with God left much to be desired. I did not have a strong sense of who I was. Even as an adult, I had been extremely gullible and naïve. I was persuaded to leave the Midwest and my parents and siblings living in the area, in pursuit of human love and sunshine in sunny Florida. What I eventually found was God’s unconditional love and “son” shine.
As a teenager, I experienced and survived more molestations by a family friend and co-worker prior to more sexual abuse through marriage. Assault and rape occurred while I continued my pursuit of God. I thought I would die...alone...but no, here I am, so grateful, prayerful, and happy to have finally found the “lost love” that I had been searching for in my life.
Therapy for rape survivors was helpful for a short time. I attended group therapy during a time when all group members had to think of an idea for a T-shirt to describe how they felt. The T-shirts were to be displayed at an annual event in Orlando. My mind had been spinning with so many ideas (Dt 7:6).
God would not leave me alone until I began to write. I wrote one poem, and after that, He did not seem to bother me. I thought I was finished writing, but my writing career had just begun! Since I obeyed God’s direction to write and share a poem, He has stirred this gift of writing in me with an ability to share my experiences with you.
One of the greatest truths that God revealed to me was about obedience. When we choose to obey regarding simple tasks or new steps to follow, we make a change in the natural. Each such act can have a significant impact in the Spirit realm that we may never realize (Pr 8:33).
Will you continue the journey of discovering God’s love, truth, and purpose with me? God bless you abundantly!
Why did you hurt me?
Why did you touch me in a bad way?
Why did you abuse my body?
Why did you tell me it was okay?
What is wrong with you?
Please get some help.
Did you think this was normal
And you would never be caught?
You have messed with my mind
You have defiled my body
You have played with my emotions
And now you have betrayed my Mommy.
Daddy, you were supposed to protect me
Instead you caused upheaval.
Fighting you was an impossible scheme
Running away was merely a dream.
Now I’m living in a nightmare
Why can’t I wake up?
Daddy, why did you do what you did?
I was just a little kid!
As a child, I was mistreated, a loner, and was made fun of by others. I was shy and insecure. Good communication skills were not taught, but I did learn to walk with confidence. Self-esteem was a distant relative. Good posture and an extremely shy disposition set me up to be misjudged by my peers. Making friends was a huge endeavor, often very late in the school year. My rights were violated because I did not understand myself (Ps 89:26).
Even though I went to Sunday school and church, and received confirmation when I graduated from junior high, the Bible stories were never real to me. I thought God was a myth, and that the stories were just stories. Rarely was the Bible talked about outside of church. For me, God did not exist.
My extended family was raised Catholic and believed as other Catholics believe. To me, Catholicism is a belief system, not a way of life. I never seemed to grasp the concept of God, the Father (Lk 4:10).
God began to manifest Himself to me when I was very young and alone. I was a very stressed young girl. I used to cry to Him while in excruciating pain struggling to go to the bathroom. I recall having seen angelic beings during these occurrences. I never told anyone. I thought it was my imagination. In my innocence and unknowingness, I was calling out to God, to an unknown father who loved and created me in His image (Rom 12:2).
My parents thought they were good to us, but they did not know how to show love and affection, something every child needs and deserves. My grandparents showed love and affection, but it somehow did not seem to fill the emptiness that God intended for love between children and their parents. We were encouraged to get involved in school activities such as music, dance, gymnastics, cheerleading and more, and we did (1 Co 14:40).
Cleaning house or keeping house was done on a false belief that, if it was done, the screaming and yelling would lessen; the verbal abuse could not be so bad if everything was clean, orderly, and in place! God’s order is not understood in the natural realm (Lk 10:41).
God knew what He was doing when He placed me in a family with alcohol and abuse. Dad was psychologically abusive toward all of us, as well as being an abuser of alcohol. The effects of that abuse magnified and manifested themselves in other ways that affected my upbringing and choices in life. Mom was a follower who could not find a way to escape except through alcohol and harboring unforgiveness that eventually destroyed her natural body (Mt 6:15).
My natural tendency was to put my heart and soul into whatever task had to be done. When high school began, I felt more out of place than ever. It was a new school in a new town. I never really quite fit in anywhere. At home, I wanted to be alone in my room and play music, or go for walks alone, but I never knew my Heavenly Father. I always felt as if I were missing something (Jn 14:6).
Why had all of this happened? Why was I born? Was there a purpose for my life? Adult friends and one of my relatives played improper roles in my life. What I thought was normal or “my fault,” was actually sexual abuse that was followed by every type of abuse. It evolved into a life of hopelessness and despair (Jas 4:14).
When I was a preteen, I remember quite vividly an event when I sleepwalked. I found my mother sewing, and she asked me a question: “Kathy, what do you think of the idea of having no father?” I do not believe I answered, though the image is clear. She walked me back down the stairs to my bed. Nothing was ever said after that brief moment in time (Ex 20:12; 1 Jn 3:2-3).
My father was the silent parent, except for yelling when alcohol prompted speech. He didn’t know how to communicate and have a healthy father/daughter relationship with me. It was impossible for him. I believe he wanted to, but lacked the skills from his own upbringing. My father was an adequate provider, but he did not know how to communicate or encourage his daughter.
About age eleven, I remember one evening when my mother was in the kitchen cooking dinner for my father, my five siblings, and me. My father wanted to go to the bedroom with my mother. My Dad was denied because she was busy, so he asked me to go to the truck with him?! I was flabbergasted, and joked about it.
Later in life when I thought about it, I learned that my father’s behavior was inappropriate and might be considered child abuse. I was devastated that my own mother did not protect me. She just ignored my father’s request to have sex in the truck.
As an adult, I understood that my mother did what she thought was best at the time. However, ignoring abuse or sexual innuendos or misconduct did not change the facts, nor did pretending that abuse or inappropriate behavior never happened (Lk 22:42).
When I was a teenager, our family was not one of hugs and kisses, not even from our parents. I received hugs and kisses from my grandparents. During that time of my life, kissing on the lips no longer seemed appropriate, nor was it comfortable. I did not have power or strength, or the courage to protest.
The hugs, however, were hurtful. He squeezed me too tight. When I would say, “Stop, you’re hurting me”, my grandfather did not listen to me.
About five years ago the Lord revealed the significant impact of the abuse, and the price of speaking up, without being heard, on my marriages and other relationships. Regardless of what I said or how I felt, people have usually done what they wanted because I lacked knowledge and understanding of appropriate boundaries and the right I had to protect myself.
In the simple act of being hugged, my voice crying out for the pain to stop did not work. A grandparent created to give love and not cause pain hurt me. The hugging did not stop until he was finished; he did what he wanted.
The natural tendency to think of God the Father is to think of Him in the way we related to our earthly father or father substitute—whether good, bad, or indifferent. My natural father was alcoholic, verbally abusive, and noncommunicative. We did not have a healthy or communicating relationship. The characteristics of his personality were the ones I sought out in relationships. I related to God, the Father, the same way, until I learned the truth. At the time, God was still foreign to me—I did not understand that I could be in a relationship with Him.
During my early adult years, I learned through Alanon that alcoholism is a disease, and that people need treatment. Knowing this allowed me to accept my natural father as he was, forgive him, and pursue finding a father-like figure to fill the void in my life (1 Jn 3:1).
In my flesh, I turned to men for love, or what I thought was love. The Lord spared me from many unhealthy and adulterous relationships. One in particular was used by God to introduce me to Jesus. I was invited to a house group through the Christian Vineyard Fellowship in the Chicago area prior to moving to Florida in 1990.
During the first church housegroup meeting (more than twenty years ago), I gave my heart to the Lord. I met my Father in Heaven and everything was new and unknown, but exciting. I thought things would get better, but they got worse because the Holy Spirit revealed everything in my life that was contrary to God’s way and will for my life. Having someone to talk to, someone to share my troubles and problems with, was great. But in the natural scheme of things, I was on an emotional roller coaster! (Ps 32:1; Lk 1:35).
My journey from a sinful life to spiritual understanding had just begun. If God had let me know what I would experience from that point forward, I would have said, “No, thank you.” But the process of relationship with Him had begun. No turning back! (Rom 8:39).
My personality is what some call “black-and-white,” which means there is not much room for gray areas, or for grace. God continues to do His work in this area of my personality. Some people think that you’re only supposed to take your big problems to God. They say He is too busy for all the little, unimportant stuff. The truth is—He cares about everything. When people told me this, I took them literally. Now, I pray about every care, concern, and take every need to God. I’m so glad He cares about everything that concerns each one of us (Ps 34:18; Heb 4:16; Ps 121:7).
At almost age thirty, I began getting to know my Heavenly Father and discovering His plan for my life. I had no idea that life would become better then worse, emotionally and financially, before the process of freedom began. During the struggling, however, God always proved Himself to me through prayer. Every day, I had to give Him, every problem, every need. I’ve learned to lean on and trust in Him (Ps 121:1).
Between the ages of 30 and 40, I learned that a clean house did not change or lessen the verbal or physical abuse. The truth is, we will grow up and wish we spent more quality time with friends and family in loving relationships than worrying about our home not being cleaned! (Ecc 3:11; 1 Pe 5:7).
During my experience of Theophostic (God as Light) Prayer Ministry in June 2001, the Spirit of God revealed that Jesus was with me when my father wanted to have sex with me. I have learned through healing prayer that there is no distance in the spirit realm. Jesus took my right hand and was twirling me around. He had such joy and love for me, especially seeing me enjoy being in God’s presence. My prayer: “Lord, take my mind, and form it, take my heart, conform it, take my will, transform it—to yours, Oh Lord!” (Jn 15:11).
God cares more about people and relationships, especially the one with Him. He doesn’t make mistakes. He knows our potential. He knows our purpose in life. He sees us in all His glory and splendor. I think this is why He can love us, because He sees His finished work, not the dysfunction and the challenges we have to work through during our short stay on earth (Ac 26:16; Eph 3:20; 1 Co 10:13).
From not understanding my natural father as a child to knowing God the Father as an adult, I have discovered that our Father in Heaven has all the love we could ever want or need.
PRAYER
Father, help me understand my Dad’s inability to love me the way You planned. Help me to forgive him, and to dedicate myself to You, to Your never-changing, unconditional love.
(Her perpetrator was sleeping in my bed!)
Ugh! How could I not know?
I loved him; I confided in him.
He played me like a fool.
When I expressed my concerns,
he acted real cool.
It was candy that kept her quiet.
I was my daughter’s mother;
I should have been the first to know.
It was not a mere stranger, but her father.
I must have been drugged
Because I was always aware
Of her surroundings and for my little girl.
Hateful I feel for not being there.
My daughter was being hurt;
I was not able to help her.
Thank God for the day
When I found him and saved her.
Full of rage and hatred,
I wanted to hang him from a nail.
But we ran for our lives not knowing what to do.
Because of his sin, he now sits in jail.
Now we are free, forgiving,
And learning everything new.
How does a person know true love when it was never taught in the home? The example was not in our family during the critical years. The generational family dynamics were primarily “survival of the fittest” and “keeping silent” in an attempt to keep peace, and lessen the psychological violence (1 Co 13:4-8; Ex 20:5).
My pursuit of love continued. I became involved with the first man that paid attention to me because of my insecurities and fear of being alone. A short time later, I was asked out on a date with a different man for dinner. I would describe him as handsome with dark brown hair, big brown eyes, average-to-large build. I had a false sense of feeling safe with a taller man.
We met at a local tavern when I was nineteen, down the street from where I lived with relatives. We had fun drinking and playing pool together. After spending time with me as if he were serious, he left me to return to another girlfriend, but he said he kept thinking about me. Within weeks he called and I invited him over. Soon after that, I proposed because of my own insecurity, and we were married. The abuse only escalated. I chose this man because he had the characteristics—alcoholism, abusiveness, and poor communication skills—of my own natural father (Jer 33:3; Heb 7:25).
We continued to hang out at the local bar, to drink alcohol, to use drugs, and for what? I encountered all of this because I was looking for love from men rather than from God.
During the early years of the marriage, he made a comment not motivated by God’s love. He told me that if I ever got fat like my mother, he would divorce me. Loving only the appearance of a person rather than his or her heart is not God’s way of loving us. I’m so glad that God looks upon the heart, and loves us for who we are and how He made us, rather than loving only the physical outward appearance.
My husband had become addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana, and pornography prior to his teenage years. He believed that pornography was acceptable in marriage. The spirit of pornography is not part of God’s plan for a marriage. That spirit destroyed our marriage because it is contrary to God’s word and His love for us. Because my husband lived a lie, the spending was out of control, and so I was converted to a life of debt. We lived beyond our financial abilities. He never wanted people to know that he only pretended to be financially stable when in reality he lived paycheck to paycheck.
I was easily influenced in the relationship and marriage, even to the point that I became a substance abuser, thinking that it might help save my marriage. The marriage lasted ten years. The first two or three years were good until my husband had an affair.
Wisdom has taught me that pornography often contributes to the breakdown in marriages and can be the underlying cause of marital affairs. In an effort to make him want me more, I gave him what he wanted, partied with alcohol and cocaine for a year or so, until I realized that using drugs and alcohol was not what I wanted out of life. It was not the answer. I wanted real love. I wanted the real thing, but how would I find it? (Jas 1:15).
When I decided under the guidance of the Holy Spirit of God that I liked to be in control and wanted nothing more to do with drugs or alcohol, God set me free. The temptation for cocaine lasted for years, but I believed that “talking to the devil” back then was appropriate. I told him he was a liar when the temptation would come over me. I never went back to using drugs or alcohol (1 Pe 5:8).
When God supernaturally set me free from the need to use alcohol, I detested it with a passion, especially because I lost my father and sister to cirrhosis of the liver which is often a result of alcoholism. I not only thought it was wrong for me, but believed that no one should drink alcohol. The Word of God tells us to judge no man, so I choose not to judge people who drink alcohol. On the other hand, I believe that drinking in excess is not part of God’s plan—especially for me (Eph 5:18; Lk 6:45).
What is real love? What does it look like? What does it feel like? Love encompasses all. Love is kind. Kindness is doing well, benevolence, graciousness, and goodness, all of which are listed in Galatians. If someone loves you, the characteristics and traits will be evidenced in their behavior and personality (Gal 5:22-23; Mt 7:17).
Love is not locking you up, being irresponsible concerning someone else, nor is it bringing harm or hurt to another human being. Forcing someone to love you or do something against his or her will is not love. Love is not having control over another human being (2 Jn 1:6).
We had a relative who was allowed to baby sit for us when we were quite small. He thought it was funny to lock us in an upside down playpen, so he could do what he wanted without being interrupted. He would play with us like objects without feelings. He did not care that we might be frightened or develop a complex later in life.
I grew up with a great need to control. I’ve learned through my own experiences of having or feeling the need to control people and their surroundings was only an indication of past hurt and pain caused by others.
Generally, an unresolved issue of control means that a person has not turned that part of his or her life over to the Lord. The hurts of the past can be transformed into freedom when a person is willing to surrender them to God (Heb 9:28).
My grandparents did not surrender to God. They did not know real love nor did they know how to give it to our parents. For me, dreaming about what looked like love on television was an escape from the real world. When most of our family was grown, my mother embraced romance novels—I wonder why! (Jas 4:7).
In my spiritual understanding, my mother’s pursuit and need of real love were not found in God, so she turned to romance novels for a “false hope” and satisfaction. One can only imagine the list of human addictions that people have, all in search of God’s unconditional love. Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, food, lust for people or things, and books are just a few habits people develop and become addicted to in this world (1 Jn 4:7-8; Jn 13:34).
Recently, I had a friend tell me that whenever he feels as if he is becoming addicted to something, he flees. He purposely determines to let nothing have that kind of power over him. It sounds like a pretty good rule to live by. I’ll let you be the judge (2 Co 4:7; Rom 14:21).
What you do in your life, the choices or decisions you make, are between you and your Creator. Your Father will instruct you. The instructions given to someone else are not for you. The Bible says not to judge one another. If someone we know is weak in an area, we are not to judge that person if he or she makes a choice to avoid something or someone (Rom 14:13).
I chose the make believe world. I was taught to avoid real issues. I mistook lust for love because that was the example I learned growing up. I was never taught the truth until I began seeking God and desiring His truth. The Word of God tells us to wait on Him or be ready when He comes (1 Ti 4:13; Gal 5:16; 2 Ti 2:15; Jn 8:32, Jn 8:36).
The Holy Spirit gave me a new revelation about Romans 14:2 a few years back. I believe Paul is not talking about food exclusively, but about the Word of God as it relates to our daily life (Rom 14:2).
My interpretation as a woman who had issues with men, alcohol, or drugs was that I understood His word as relating to my own concerns and struggles. Because men did not respect me as a woman of God, I chose not to hug them or be near them. I also was not strong enough to be around people who chose to drink alcohol. I was too weak. People who do not understand what you have gone through, or are going through, do not have the right to judge you in this area either.
I wanted to believe that people were good and respectful. I wanted to believe that human beings could be capable of real love. Is it possible to love one another without being addicted to sex or various substances? The answer is yes! What I’ve discovered is that human beings can truly love you within limits. Love for one another is a manifestation of their own loving relationship that they have with God (Mt 6:33; Ps 37:5).