Are you surrounded by JERKS?
By
Jim Grigsby
An irreverent look at the unbearable people you encounter every day!
A Smashwords Edition
© Copyright 2010 Jim Grigsby
Cover design by East 14th Creative, Greensboro, N.C.
All rights reserved
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission of the author.This is a work of fiction. The names, characters, locations, and events are fictitious, products of the author’s imagination, and are not based on actual events. Any resemblance to actual events, locations, organizations, companies, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
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Dedication
For Tina with love and thanks, for Caila and Ryan who give their Dad two very good reasons not to be a Jerk, and for Dad who set the best example ever for being a good and decent man.
Acknowledgements
Many thanks to:
Tina for her love, encouragement, suggestions, and tireless editing.
Kenny Chumbley who is still my best teammate since Anderson Insurance Agency in 1961.
Tom Roach for being my friend and sales mentor.
Mitch Draper for his friendship and for patiently teaching me about computer technology.
Johnny and Zaida Holland for their friendship and support.
Tim Schwashinger for going out of his way to give a guided tour of Mt. Rushmore.
Jackie Draper for her learned advice about the legal angles.
Father Greg Hite for his assistance and spiritual guidance.
My parents, Marj and Bert Grigsby for the raising me to think independently.
Denise Kanir for her excellent book cover.
Connie Merritt, who considers me her “go-to guy for jerks”.
And to all the wonderful people who provided help without knowing it; your decency exceeds the awful behavior of jerks!
Introduction?
The number of jerks living on this planet is mind-boggling. Jerks live and wander freely, breathing the same oxygen and drinking the same water as decent folk. Society does not allow us to improve the gene pool by eliminating unwanted specimens. No judge or jury has accepted the “he needed killing’ defense” since 1896; so homicide is not a viable option. No matter how exasperating a jerk may be, the thrill of the kill fades when the police handcuff and Mirandize you.
Class or social status does not exempt one from jerkhood; educated and wealthy people can be jerks as easily as everyone else can. For example, a philanthropist can also be cruel and sadistic, making him a jerk who gives away money. A great statesman can be a drunken womanizer - making him a lecherous, boozing jerk that runs the country well. To paraphrase Mr. Ed, “A jerk is a jerk, of course, of course.”
Some gentle readers may wince at a scenario or two – perhaps recognizing their own behavior. Relax; we’ve all behaved like jerks and I confess that I have been guilty of some of the behaviors described in this book. I offer a sincere apology to anyone I hurt or offended.
Unlike the jerks described in this book, the rest of us recognize improper behavior and try to change. Jerks don’t see a need to change. Living in the twin fog of delusion and denial, they don’t notice the results of their actions and words. Jerks are oblivious to the hurt they cause and the people they offend – they believe that people are way too sensitive. Don’t be surprised – they are jerks!
There Are Jerks Everywhere
Webster’s Dictionary defines a jerk as “a foolish or annoying person”. Jerks are everywhere: two stand near you in line at the bank, another pair sits behind you at the ballgame, or in front of you in the movie theatre. If you walk into a room occupied by more than one person; there is a probably a jerk present. Unfortunately, they might think the jerk is you.
Everyone knows a handful of jerks; some know an entire village. Jerks are the kids whose report cards contained the comment “does not work and play well with others” throughout their 12-14 years of public school. The same comment is on their job evaluations, disguised in politically correct terms.
Jerks have existed forever. In the beginning Adam and Eve ate the apple, realized they were naked, and lied to God, sending humanity downhill quickly. The fruit of The Tree of Life was forbidden for a reason - it was not to be eaten by jerks!
At this moment, we could be frolicking naked and carefree in the Garden of Eden. But Adam and Eve disobeyed God, lied to him, and were banished from paradise; sentencing us, their descendants, to lives of toil, strife, and clothing.
To avoid banishment from the Garden of Eden, our ancestral parents needed to man and woman up - take responsibility for their actions and tell the truth. The penance would have been a Divine slap on the wrist and their promise to leave the fruit on the Tree of Life alone. Life in paradise and forgiveness were within their grasp; instead, they doomed mankind to life outside the Garden of Eden.
When questioned by The Lord, Adam’s response was classic; “The woman gave me the apple.” In the first book of the Bible, we find the first act of finger pointing - Adam diverting the blame for his sin onto someone else.
Some theorize that Eve had already determined that Adam was a jerk and wanted to get away from him. She went out for a walk to clear her mind when she met a serpent, which probably reminded her of Adam – slimy and forked-tongue. Uh, maybe all male creatures are jerks. Despite that gut feeling, she struck a conversation with him, and being gullible, fell for his smooth line about eating the apple.
When God confronted her, Eve was not about to take the rap and played the victim card. “Lord, this smooth talking, slimy creature tricked me into biting into the apple and giving it to Adam. I was duped. Not only am I innocent but, I should be compensated for my pain and suffering. I want an attorney!” The Garden of Eden contains no attorneys; it is, after all, paradise.
The serpent didn’t deny his culpability or help his new friends. As The Lord began His interrogation, the serpent slithered under a slimy rock and watched his homies face The Almighty. Prince of Darkness? Ha! A better title would be Prince of Slimy Belly-Crawling Jerks.
The Lord was righteously ticked off and banished Adam and Eve from their idyllic home. Close your eyes and visualize the eviction. It’s a quiet and peaceful day in Paradise, the sun is shining and birds are chirping. Suddenly a loud blast shatters the silence; the original Barry White voice thunders, “You two jerks get out of the Garden of Eden and don’t come back until you can behave like decent people!” No one has entered Eden since.
Literature is brimming with jerks; Shakespeare created Othello, Iago, King Lear, Petruchio, and Kate, vivid characters that spring to life from the pages. Bill the Bard had a detailed grasp of their motivations, mannerisms, and thoughts. Perhaps Mr. Shakespeare was surrounded by jerks and wrote about those he knew best.
Prime time television shows, soap operas, movies, and best selling novels contain at least one unforgettable jerk. Dabney Colman enjoyed a great career portraying despicable people. Do you remember his television show Buffalo Bill? That guy was the role model for jerks worldwide.
Professional sports, business, entertainment, politics, and journalism are replete with people who do not work and play well with others. Did that many talented people flunk Sandbox 101?
There is good news: you have some control over the invasion of celebrity jerks. You can avoid them by not watching movies and by turning off television and talk radio.
It is different when the jerks exist in your world. You cannot dodge jerks that double as your coworkers, neighbors, bosses, relatives, employees, or business associates. Neither gender has a corner on jerkish behavior; he and she can be interchanged in any description of a jerk. This is one area where gender equality has been in place since Day One.
Are there many jerks in your life? Think about ten people in your life. How many would you characterize as jerks? How many lean towards being a jerk?
The characters in Jerks of Our Lives are extreme examples created to help you laugh at jerkish behaviors. They are described in great detail, allowing you to fill in the face that matches the jerks of your life.
We submit for your enjoyment, our Top 25 Jerks. Deciding which jerks to include and exclude was not easy; the responsibility was not taken lightly. The first ten were obvious, after that it became a political nightmare. Our biggest fear is that the ACLU will sue on behalf of the omitted breeds. Rest in peace slighted ones; a sequel is in development.
And now, we present “The Jerks”.
Chapter 1
Two Lips
Noah Cronin is a natural butt kisser, so natural that he is the Roy Hobbs of behind smooching. His constant sucking up has graduated from company joke to fatiguing habit. People call him “Noah Pride” and “Noah Shame”.
Hopping out of his pewter gray minivan Noah Cronin spied Toby Ott parking his glossy black Jaguar in a reserved spot near the front entrance. Eyes riveted on the Jag, Noah purred. “Toby, that has to be the shiniest car I have ever seen. What’s the secret to keeping it looking like that?”
Toby smoothed his handlebar mustache and grinned. “I wax it every weekend but the real secret is the way I polish it.”
“If I come over and help, will you show me the secret?”
Toby slapped Noah on the back. “Can I trust you to wash and wax my car?”
“Man, you have the greatest sense of humor! You’re funnier than anyone on TV! Yes, I would love to wash and wax your car. Just name the day and I’ll be there to make it shine!”
Toby laughed at Noah and ambled to the office stairway; he stopped on the third step to check his look in the door’s mirrored surface. Satisfied that every hair was in place, he looked down at Noah and shook his head. First thing Monday morning and this guy is kissing my butt like it is bonus time. How does he do it without dislocating his tongue?
As Print and Mailroom Supervisor for Champion Games, Noah works with an apprentice’s eagerness. Each morning he races into the Administration building to deliver mail and polish a few golden apples. Strolling into the Human Resources department, he handed a stack of employment applications to Corinne Feller and chirped; “Hot off the press and into your delightful hands Madame Director!”
“Why thank you Noah, but you didn’t have to make a special trip just to deliver these.”
“No trouble at all ma’am. I know how hard you worked to design them and wanted to tell you in person that they are magnificent! People will be honored just to fill out an application here!”
Corinne’s eyes widened. “Honored? Noah you are way too kind.”
“Oh no, it’s the truth!” Noah deftly shifted his lips to the other butt cheek. “The kids at my daughter’s middle school are still talking about you. You made quite an impression on them, when you told them how to conduct themselves during job interviews. Great advice they can use to better themselves. As a parent, I thank you for giving so selflessly of your valuable time.”
“Noah, that was months ago. I’m sure those kids have already forgotten that I was there, let alone remember what I said.’
“No way, Hannah says that you are her role model. Personally, I think she made a great choice.”
Corinne struggling not to wince, smiled sweetly, and looked past him. “Thank you for bringing the applications to me. Your staff did an excellent job. Please pass my praise and thanks to them. Now if you will excuse, I need to get ready to meet with the boss.”
“I will be honored to carry your message, verbatim, to my staff. You have a great day. By the way, you look exceptionally lovely today. ”
Corinne turned away, as if distracted by a noise. Go away you insincere, shameless little creature!
Noah was primed for his favorite target and he marched through the hall, anxious to deliver the morning mail to the company’s owner, Felix Marichal. Like a schoolboy, he peered into the boss’s doorway. “Good morning sir, may I enter the command center?”
Marichal looked up and forced a smile. “Certainly Noah, how are you today?”
“Fine sir, very nice of you to ask. And how are you?”
“I’m well thank you.”
“That is an excellent tie! No doubt in my mind, you have to be the best-dressed executive in town.”
Felix Marichal decided to preempt Noah’s assault of praise. “The local TV people want to interview me about our computer games. Hopefully the story will help boost sales.”
“With you as the star it will!”
“What do you have for me today?”
“Nothing spectacular. Shall I place it on your side table?”
“Yes, thank you. Now, if you will excuse me, Corinne Feller is due any minute.”
“Yes sir, I believe she is on her way here. Have a great day and break a leg!”
Felix nodded and resumed reading.
Noah bounced towards the door, then suddenly whirled to face the owner. “Will the interview run on the six o’clock news or at eleven?”
“I’m not sure when it will air, why do you ask?”
“So I can tape it – in case you need an extra copy.”
“That won’t be necessary, but thank you for offering.” He lowered his head. The man is shameless, absolutely shameless.
Four score kissed butts and twenty minutes later, Noah was reviewing timecards when Cletus Roberts walked in smiling as if he held the winning lottery ticket. “Noah, have you got a few minutes to talk?”
Ever the faithful puppy, Noah dropped everything and wagged his tongue. “Yes sir, boss. I always have time for you!”
After handing Noah a DVD, Cletus plopped into a chair at the far end of the desk and ran a hand over a tanned, bald head. “This is our newest game, Champions of Golf. It’s lot fun, so much fun that I lost track of time playing it.”
“Someone as disciplined as you lost track of time?”
“You can build the course you want to play from a library of two hundred holes. You can play against any great player, male or female, from any era. Or you and three friends can play a foursome!”
“Wow! Which of our eggheads is the creative genius behind it?”
“Toby Ott and his development staff get the credit; they’ve been working on it for six months. Tomorrow the entire company will learn about it at a special meeting.”
“Gosh I think this is the first time I’ve been told anything like this in advance. Thanks boss.”
“You, my young friend, are going to be part of the group that develops the marketing strategy.”
Noah’s eyes sparkled and he blathered in a voice higher and faster than normal. “Really? Wow! Thank you! I really appreciate you having this kind of faith in me. It is, well, an honor to be included in something like that. I only hope I can contribute to the success and repay your faith in me. This is a day I will never forget!”
Cletus smiled - half in reaction to Noah’s eagerness - half in pity. “Noah your primary contribution will be working with Felix, Toby, and Kevin Stargell to develop the marketing brochures. I need you to make sure that our graphic artists can deliver what that group wants.”
“Yes sir. When will we meet?”
“Tomorrow afternoon at one, in Felix’s conference room.”
“I’ll be there.” He paused. “Uh, I noticed you failed to include yourself. That august group and myself will need the wise counsel and exceptional advertising ideas of our esteemed Customer Service Manager!”
“Noah, that is far too kind of you. You four will do just fine without this old warrior.” Cletus rested his elbows on the desk and pointed his right index finger directly between Noah’s eyes. “I want to make sure that you understand your role in this. You need to understand exactly what they want: color, size, picture placement, and font; everything about the brochure - everything. They need your assurance that your department can deliver it on time and within the budget. Is that clear?”
“Yes sir. I’ll make sure we can do what they want. I don’t want to fail you or those three gentlemen in any way. I’d rather lose a lung than fail you.”
“Noah, please do not promise something that cannot be delivered. You like to please people, but this is one time that you need to be the voice of reality and restraint. You must keep them coloring between the lines.
“Felix wants to market the game in forty–five days, sixty at the very outside. If what they suggest is earth shattering but cannot be completed on time, you must guide them towards something you can deliver. Will you do that for me?”
“Yes boss. I will be your personal watchdog. I will not let you down.”
Cletus rose and smoothed his red and green plaid shirt until it was just right. “I’ve taken up enough of your time. I better let you get back to work.”
Noah sprang out of his chair. “Sir you never waste my time. You always impart you knowledge so freely. I am honored that you chose to include me in this and I promise I will not fail you in any way.”
“I’m sure you are the man for the job.”
“Thank you sir.”
Noah scribbled his name on time cards and tossed them into the out basket then prepared for his big meeting. He removed the other work from his desktop and meticulously stacked it in neat piles on the floor. Then he gathered materials for the marketing plan and placed them in strategic locations on his desk.
Hours later, Cletus poked his head into Noah’s office and watched the young supervisor fussily insert documents into a large three-ring binder. “Noah, have you even thought about lunch yet?”
“No sir I have not. What time is it?”
“It is time for you to take a break and eat.”
Cletus and Noah filled their trays; then located empty chairs at a long table in the middle of the cafeteria. Six women were dining at one end of the table; at the other end, three men chatted over coffee.
After exchanging greetings with the two groups, Noah told Cletus about his meeting preparation. In his excitement, he spoke loud enough for people at nearby tables to hear. “I compiled the information just as you taught me. The idea to prepare a project binder was fabulous - a stroke of genius. I never would have thought of that by myself. I am always amazed at the sheer brilliance of your ideas and appreciate that you share them so generously with me.”
The three men looked at Noah with unmasked distain and shook their heads in cadence.
“Noah, you would have hit upon that idea without my help.”
“No sir, I never would have thought of it. You saved me hours of work. Because of your ingeniousness, I feel even more inspired not to let you down in any way. ”
Two of the men were too astonished to speak; the third rolled his eyes and kissed the air.
“It is that kind of thinking that makes you the great Customer Service Manager that you are, always finding the perfect solution to the problem. You are the brains of the department and the backbone of this company. I’m honored to work for the man who is such an integral part of the company.”
The three men lost control. A loud snicker burst from one mouth; a huge grin grew on another, while the third mouth twisted into a disapproving knot. They staggered away from the table, laughing and slapping each other on the back.
Noah eyed them quizzically. “What’s gotten into them?”
Cletus covered a smile and in a weakened voice managed just two words. “Who knows?”
The conversation continued in the same vein for several minutes. When the women rose to leave, one looked at Noah as if he were a cockroach. “I think he would bear Cletus’s child if he could!”
Noah followed Cletus’s directive; he did not volunteer opinions and answered questions about price, printing capability, and production times with professional precision.
When Toby Ott, Vice President of Operations, praised him for his excellent preparation, Noah jumped at the opportunity. “Thank you Toby. When Cletus asked me to attend this meeting, I was unsure of my role. Being the excellent mentor that he is, he directed my efforts, so that I would not let you or him down.” The juices flowed. “I must say that the campaign you ingenious gentlemen developed is outstanding. The ads in golf and sports magazines are sure to capture buyers; but the idea of advertising heavily in cold weather states during the winter months is a stroke of pure genius!
“That idea floored me, but when you added local cable ads and special promotions on college campuses, well that is beyond brilliant! I’m not sure I know a word that would adequately express the magnitude of that idea! I am so excited about this product and feel privileged to work for a company that has such intellect at the helm. This will become the top selling game in America!”
An uncomfortable silence enveloped the table. Toby and Kevin stared at their notes, afraid to look at each other. Felix gathered his papers and stood. “Noah, nothing would make me happier than for your prediction to come true.”
“Under your leadership it will sir.”
Felix ignored the remark and nodded to the other men. “Gentlemen, thank you very much for your efforts. Kevin, I want the final cost projections on my desk in two days. Toby, let’s gather the entire company at four so we can announce the new game and give them each a beta copy. Noah, thank you again for the research; it was just what we needed.”
“My pleasure sir. It is an honor and a pleasure to work for you.”
Felix lowered his head and charged from the room.
Kevin sprung from his chair. “Sorry to meet and run guys, but I have an appointment and cannot be late.” He bolted through the door without looking at Toby.
Toby leaned back, locked his fingers behind his head, and smiled broadly. “Very well done Noah. You managed to kiss three sets of buns in a single pucker!”
“What do you mean?”
“‘Beyond brilliant?’ ‘Intellect at the helm?’ What do you call that?”
“The truth; those are great ideas."
“You might have gone too far with that ‘under your leadership’ remark. That was such a blatant suck up; I thought Felix would end up with a hickey on each butt cheek.”
“I don’t see what is wrong with saying that I admire the man. I want him to know that. Heck, I feel the same way about you. You’re the guy who really makes it happen.”
Toby stood and stretched. “Noah. Somehow, I knew you would work something like that in. You just had to plant one last kiss to my butt before I left!” He marched out thinking; this ‘man’ has no pride.
Noah slumped at the table. What was that all about?
Several months later Noah arrived at work; his lips coated with Chapstick and an industrial-sized tube concealed in his pants pocket. He was distracted by clamor at the end of the hallway and nearly collided with a shipping clerk. “What’s going on down there?”
“Haven’t you heard? Cletus is retiring!”
“No way!”
“It’s true. I thought you would know, him being your boss and all.”
“Man alive, this is news to me. I gotta go see him right now. Thanks for filling me in. I knew you would have latest news, you always do!”
The clerk kissed his palm and wiped it on the seat of his pants.
As Noah jogged to the edge of a crowd, a woman asked, “Who is going to take his place?”
“No one will ever be as great a boss or as great a Customer Service schmoozer as you!”
The crowd turned as if it had one set of shoulders and eyed Noah with disgust. One man pointed at Noah. “I hope he doesn’t get the job.” “Amen!” and “I heard that!” rose from the crowd. Three women pleaded, “Please, Cletus, please stay!”
A wiry, bow-legged old man leaned his upper body in the doorway. “We’ll miss you Cletus. More than you could possibly know. If you could stay, we’ll make it worth your while.”
Noah edged through the crowd, when he finally reached Cletus’s office; he leaned against the inner wall to catch his breath. “You sly old fox, when did you decide to retire?”
Before Cletus could reply, a stream of visitors walked in and out of the office, filing past Noah as if he were a rotting log. When the last visitor left, Noah shoved his thumbs into his belt loops and exhaled nervously. “I hesitate to even broach the subject on the day you are being showered with so much well deserved praise.” He shuffled his feet and toed at the floor. “I know how John Adams must have felt, knowing he had the opportunity to follow in the footsteps of George Washington. I know that I could never begin to fill your shoes or even dream of being the consummate professional that you are.” He swallowed. “Would it be unseemly of me to ask if you would recommend me as your successor?”
Prepared for the question and the lava flow of praise, Cletus leaned forward. “Noah, I think you posses many of the skills necessary to fulfill the job and I think you could grow into the responsibility. However, I am not sure of the protocol and need to check with Corinne Feller before I make a promise that I may not be able to keep. Can I get back to you on it?”
Noah leaned across the desk to shake his boss’s hand. “Certainly. You have my promise to not disappoint you if you honor me with a recommendation. I would consider it the highest honor of my life to follow in your footsteps.”
Cletus grasped the hand firmly and shook it without speaking.
Standing in the doorway, Kevin Stargell stuck a finger into his throat and slowly withdrew it. “Cletus, I hate to rush you but we need to meet now. I need to leave for an appointment downtown in just a few minutes.”
“Sorry Kevin,” Noah slid aside. “I didn’t mean to hold you up. Those suspenders look great! Or does a fashion plate like you call them braces?”
Kevin brushed past him. “Thanks.” Pathetic butt kisser.
Dreams of promotion orbited Noah’s mind until he was jolted back to the present and recalled his mission. He raced up the staircase, two steps at a time, crossed the bridge into the Administration building, and rushed into Felix’s office where his face and heart sank - the office was empty. He searched for and located a Post It Note; he grabbed two and printed on them. He carefully attached the note to a bundle of videocassettes, before placing his offering in the center of Felix’s desk.
"Sir;
I thought you would like extra copies of yesterday’s interview.
You have such presence and eloquence. Great job!"
Noah Cronin
"P.S. If you need additional copies, please let me know. I saved a copy for my personal collection and will be glad to make additional copies for you and your family. "
That evening Noah and Cletus descended the steps together. “Boss, did you have time in your busy and important day to discuss the potential recommendation with Corinne?”
Cletus adjusted his John Deere cap. “I did and Ms. Feller threw me a wicked curve. Felix wants me to help select my successor. Because of that, I need to remain neutral and can’t recommend anyone. But I have a feeling that you will do just fine on your own.” Cletus waved goodnight and hurried to his car before Noah could shower him with compliments for being smart enough to follow Felix’s request.
Noah spent evenings and spare moments cramming for the big interview; he absorbed every word he could find about customer service, examined Cletus’s memos and letters as if they were national treasures, and rehearsed potential interview questions. He also honed his apple-polishing skills.
Thirty minutes before his interview, Noah changed from khakis and a white Champion Games polo shirt into gray dress slacks, starched light blue shirt, gold striped tie, and a navy blazer. As he walked vacant hallways to calm his nerves, butterflies and bees simulated aerial combat in his chest and stomach.
Noah entered the interview room and recoiled. Felix, Toby, Corinne, and Cletus sat as a panel at a long, light oak table; on the near side was a lone, straight-backed chair, obviously for him.
Toby motioned for him to sit. “Noah, you can relax, we won’t use any bright, hot white lights.”
When Noah didn’t laugh, Corinne winked. “Please don’t let the seating arrangement intimidate you. It’s easier for us to hear you if we are seated together.”
After reviewing the ground rules Toby turned to Felix. “Mr. Marichal, would you please pitch the first question?”
Felix hunched forward and twirled a maroon Mont Blanc pen between his fingers. “Noah, customer service has been the cornerstone of our success. Please tell me why I should entrust you with such an important responsibility.”
Noah blinked and sucked in air. “Wow. What a tough opening question!” He rubbed his palms together and silently prayed for confidence. “Sir, I know the value of customer service to Champion and to you personally. Cletus taught me that my very first day here. I strive to deliver that kind of service in my current role and will expand upon it if I am selected.”
Felix tapped his pen on his palm. “If we were to promote you, who would replace you in your current role?”
Noah grinned. “Felix, last year in an interview with Today’s Games Magazine you stated that to be promotable, it is important to have a successor. I still have that interview tucked away in a file folder. I took your sage advice and groomed Vera Jenkins to fill the role. She is energetic and bright. More importantly she is ready to manage the department.”
Toby’s head dropped and he studied the table’s grain.
Felix pretended to read his notes. “Interesting.” He tapped the pen again. “What is your management style?”
“I try to emulate the successful executives around me. Cletus, for sure and the three of you to some extent.”
Felix’s agitation surfaced. “Noah, what is your style?”
Noah babbled. “I learned from Cletus to try to gain a consensus. Things go smoother when people buy into the process.”
Felix turned to Toby. “That’s all for now.”
Corinne’s fifth question caught Noah off guard. “Noah is your goal as a manager to be liked or to be respected?”
Noah answered without thinking. “Liked. People do more for people they like than they do for people they fear.”
“Do you equate fear and respect?”
Noah backpedaled. “By liked I mean that people want to do well for you, not fear they have to. Fear is not a good motivator. Cletus never used fear to motivate us. We all like and respect him. We’ll do anything for him. I want them to feel towards me the way they feel towards my mentor - Cletus.”
Corinne nodded to Cletus, who walked around the table and poured a glass of water for Noah, then grabbed an empty chair and sat beside his protégé. “Noah, why should you be the one selected to succeed me?”
Relaxed by his mentor’s closeness, Noah gushed. “Boss, you taught me customer service from day one. I’ve had the privilege of watching you up close and spending time with you. I want to do everything in my power to continue that. No one else in the company has learned more at your elbow than I have.”
Toby snorted. The elbow is not where you spend your time!
“Tell me what you would do if only two telephone representatives and one mail room clerk show up for work on a Monday.”
“Roll up my sleeves and work just like you did. You weren’t afraid to work and neither am I!”
“I’m sure you would do just that.” Cletus returned to his chair disappointed that Noah didn’t offer more substance in his replies.
Toby wanted to test Noah right away. “The Customer Service Manager is a one of my direct reports. What will you add to my team that is different from what Cletus contributed?”
“An eagerness to learn. I’ll bring what Cletus taught me and a strong desire to help our company continue to grow. I want to learn how to work for you and make your job easier.”
Toby wanted everyone’s attention and paused until he was sure he had it. “Will you bring any new ideas?”
Noah fidgeted. “Cletus please do not take this as a criticism, I would never presume to do that.”
Cletus waved for him to continue.
“I think we should find a way to tie the customer service representative’s comments directly into the customer database. It would be more efficient.”
Toby was impressed. “How would you propose to do that?”
“There is software available, the kind they use in banks and telemarketing.”
“I like that. Is there anything else you would introduce?”
“No sir, nothing that I can think of right now.”
“What if a major buyer claims he was promised a special discount by the salesman and wants you to guarantee it or he will refuse the shipment? You are on your own as there is no way for you to reach me, Felix, or Kevin and he wants an answer right away.”
Noah rubbed the back of his neck and searched the wall behind Toby for an answer. After an uncomfortable silence, he spoke unconfidently. “I would not guarantee a discount that wasn’t documented on the order. I would advise him that Kevin Stargell would call as soon as possible to resolve it at the executive level.”
“I have one last question. Why should we select you as the new Customer Service Manager over the other candidates?”
Noah grinned. “I have worked very closely with Cletus and have the advantage of learning from him. Every day I try to apply the principles he taught me by providing customer service within the company. In essence, I want to build on the excellent foundation that he established.” In his element, Noah plowed ahead recklessly. “I’m not ashamed to say that I love this company and the people who work here. Because of that love and my personal loyalty to both Cletus and Felix, I can say that no other candidate will be as dedicated to the position as I will. This position is not a stepping stone for me, it is a career calling.”
Corinne covered her laugh with a fake cough. “Noah do you have any questions for us?”
Noah asked about management training, the working relationship with Toby, and management benefits.
Toby craned his neck to look at the other panel members. “Are there any further questions for Noah?” When no one responded, he spoke soberly. “Thank you for your time Noah. We’ll inform you of our decision by Tuesday.”
“Thank you for considering me a viable candidate. I will not disappoint you if I am promoted and if I am passed over, I will continue to work diligently every day.”
The panel members nodded politely and remained silent as Noah exited. When the door closed, they exhaled.
Saturday morning Toby, Corinne, and Cletus gathered at Felix’s stately country home to select a new Customer Service Manager. Toby, seated at one end of a long cherry dining room table, stroked his mustache. “This will surprise no one, but I’m not comfortable with Noah getting this job. I don’t want to have to wipe his lip prints off my lower cheeks on a daily basis. ”
Corinne pointed a finger at him. “Toby, we must be careful. Each candidate will be selected or rejected on his or her merits, not because of a propensity to flatter or a lack thereof.” She lost the battle not to grin, as did everyone else.
Toby peered out the window at a densely wooded lot and then spoke mockingly, “I love this company. I want to learn from you and, my personal favorite, quoting Felix in an answer to Felix’s question!”
“That was a first!” Felix chuckled, then spoke softly. “I agree with Toby. Noah isn’t the right person for the job. I don’t think our buyers and distributors would warm to his style. Part of our strength is our corporate integrity and I think Noah might jeopardize that.”
Toby couldn’t resist. “Good point sir. You certainly have a way of making the obvious even more clear!”
As the laughter tapered, Cletus sighed. “I think we all agree that Noah is not the best choice. Why don’t we move on to the other candidates?”
Within forty-five minutes they reached a consensus.
Monday morning Toby’s assistant asked Noah to come to Toby’s office. Noah’s feet barely touched concrete as he sprinted up the steps. My moment has arrived. He stopped outside Toby’s office to allow his breathing return to normal, then entered anticipating great news.
Tony waited for Noah to get comfortable before speaking. “Noah, I wanted to tell you in person that we did not select you as the new Customer Service Manager. You have some fine qualifications, but we chose another candidate.”
Noah’s heart and dreams sank.
“Later today Felix will announce that Kevin Stargell has accepted the position. Kevin has a great deal of customer service experience from his retail days. His management style, marketing savvy, and vision are in line with the direction that Felix wants to take the company.”
Noah struggled to remain gracious. “Kevin Stargell is a good man and will be a great manager. I will work as hard for him as I did for Cletus.”
“I expected such a gracious answer and I have no doubt that you will continue to work hard for Champion.”
“May I ask where I fell short in the process?”
Toby exhaled slowly. “This is very difficult to say.”
“I trust that you will tell me the truth, no matter how painful it might be.”
Toby smoothed his mustache; then spoke sincerely. “There are times when you go overboard with your flattery and you come across as insincere, like all you want to do is curry favor.”
“I’m not sure I follow.”
“Do you remember the meeting about the marketing plan for the golf game? How I mentioned that you managed to kiss three butts in just one pucker?”
“I thought you were kidding! You were serious?”
“Unfortunately, yes. You laid it on rather thick with Felix that day. You did the same thing during the interview. You quoted Felix while answering one of his questions. Your final statement came across to everyone on the panel as overkill, especially the part about how much you love the company.” He softened his tone. “Noah, I’m telling you this for your own good, apple polishing doesn’t help you. At least not with Felix or me.”
Noah stared at the carpet. “You are telling me that I wasn’t chosen because of that?”
“No, that was not the only reason. What I’m saying is that it didn’t help. I’m trying to show you a pattern of behavior that creates problems for you. You may want to make an effort to change that behavior.”
Noah’s voice quaked. “I was taught by my granddaddy that people like to hear nice things about themselves. Now you’re telling me that it isn’t a good thing to do. Being nice to people is important.”
Toby scowled. “I tried to be diplomatic and you didn’t get the message, so I will be direct. There is a big difference between complimenting people and sucking up. You go beyond saying nice things to people. You are a blatant suck up who never misses a chance to kiss a butt. Naturally, you save your best efforts for Felix and me. We don’t like it, it doesn’t work, it won’t work, so quit doing it! ”
Noah reeled as if he had been backhanded.
“Noah, I’m sorry that it came to that. I hope you will consider what I’ve said.”
Noah rose. “Despite the disappointment, I still have a job to do. One that I enjoy.”
Toby stood as well. “There will be other opportunities for you. Everyone knows how hard you work.” They shook hands and Noah walked away silently, his chin touching his top button of his shirt.
Noah crossed the hall to Kevin’s open doorway. He strained to smile. “I just wanted to congratulate you on the promotion and to tell you that if I had to lose the job, I’m glad it was to someone of your caliber. I look forward to working with you and I’m sure I can learn as much from you as I did from Cletus - maybe more.”
Kevin bit his lip. “Thank you Noah, I’m sure we’ll work well together.” As Noah walked away, Kevin smirked. I haven’t officially become your boss and you are already making reservations at the Hotel Booty. I better be careful walking around the warehouse; if I stop suddenly, you might get a broken nose or whiplash!
Chapter 2
Toppers
Ever known someone who could top any story? I knew a guy who was worse.
Oliver McCarver seethed as he listened to Barclay Buck’s demand that Ulysses Gibson accompany him on his sales call. He knew he would not win the argument but fired a last, desperate salvo. “Sir, my gut tells me that Ulysses will be a problem. I’m afraid he will offend Ben Campanella; the chemistry could be volatile and costly to us.”
The CEO’s reply left no room for discussion. “Ollie, forget your gut feeling, my decision is final. You are my National Sales Vice President and Ulysses is our Corporate Credit Manager; he needs to be there and it is your job to make the chemistry work.”
“Yes sir.”
During the flight to San Diego, Oliver listened to Ulysses drone on about his many first class transatlantic flights. Oliver knock backed his drink and sunk into pretend listening mode. I would rather have my nasal hairs yanked out one by one than listen to this imbecile say one more word. After two swigs of his second Scotch, Oliver raised a hand. “Ulysses we need to talk about the meeting. We’ve never worked a sales call before and I’d like to cover the ground rules.”
“Certainly, I always have the same conversation when I take people out with me.”
Oliver bit the inside of his cheek. “Ben Campanella is a reserved man. He is succinct and doesn’t invest time in idle chatter, and he has very little tolerance for people who talk more than he thinks they should. I think it would be best if you allow the conversation to come to you. When you respond, make it brief and to the point.”
Ulysses nodded. “Tell me a little bit more about Ben, perhaps he and I have common interests or mutual friends.”
“Ulysses, I need to reemphasize that it would be best not to engage in that kind of conversation. Ben’s our most important client, so we need to adapt to his style. This deal is worth fifty million dollars and will vault us to industry leader status immediately and for years to come. We don’t want to do anything that could damage this opportunity.”
“Ollie, don’t worry about me, I’m more than prepared. I am locked and loaded. I crunched the numbers and I am ready to answer any questions Ben has about payment terms or interest rates.”
“I know you are prepared to do your job. I’m asking you to help me with mine.”
“Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.”
Oliver McCarver was worried. Ulysses Gibson IV didn’t get the message and he had the nagging feeling that unless he applied duct tape to Ulysses’s mouth there would be a big league problem. He motioned for another Scotch.
At 9:45 the next morning the two men marched side-by-side into Campanella Industries vast atrium. Riding the elevators to the sixth floor, Oliver toyed with his onyx-faced numberless watch and platinum ID bracelet. “Ulysses, remember to let the conversation come to you and keep your answers brief.”
Ulysses gave an “I know” look, while blabbering about why walnut was used for elevator paneling. Oliver closed his eyes and prayed for the grace not to commit murder in front of the client. If I had twenty more floors, I’d strangle him and dump the body into a garbage chute one floor below Ben’s office. The image provided comfort and he smiled as the elevator door opened.
To Oliver’s surprise and elation Ulysses answered Ben Campanella’s questions completely and succinctly.
During the return elevator ride to the lobby, Oliver heaped praise onto his colleague. “You were superb, just superb. Mr. Campanella was visibly impressed with your knowledge of his corporate structure, his history with Buck and Costas, and with the way you answered his questions.”
“Thanks. I know how important a client they are now and will be in the future.”
“You were a factor in sealing the deal and I appreciate it. When we get to the car, I need to call Barclay and apprise him of our success. I promise to tell him how well prepared you were and how impressed Ben Campanella was with your knowledge.”
“I appreciate that. There are times that I think the old man doesn’t like me much. That bothers me.”
As the elevator doors swooshed open, Oliver silently offered a prayer of thanks that the meeting was successful and that there was no need to strangle Ulysses. Walking through the lobby, he ignored Ulysses’s running commentary about the wall art.
When they were a block away from the Campanella building, Oliver placed his call to Barclay Buck, who gushed congratulations and promised to call Ben Campanella immediately. “Oliver, why don’t you and Ulysses treat Benjamin to dinner at that wonderful restaurant near Embarcadero Park? He really loves that place.”
That evening Oliver, Ulysses, Ben Campanella, and two of his senior executives, Garret Smoltz and Wyatt Glavine were escorted to a corner table in Chris and Rita’s providing a spectacular view of San Diego Bay. After dinner they retreated to a quiet booth in The Silk Stockings Room for what Ben promised was “the best cognac available on earth”.
Oliver urged Ben to talk about his success as a yacht captain. “Tell Ulysses the story about your first race.”
Ben gave a brief and unassuming recap of a race he won as a college sophomore, San Diego to Santa Catalina Island and back, concluding with, “Somehow, I remain the youngest winner ever!”
“Ben, that’s a nice little story. But let’s talk about real sailing.”
Oliver’s stomach sunk, flipped, and rolled. He mouthed “stop” but Ulysses was charging ahead like the winning run of the Little League World Series. “I grew up near Cape Cod, where we battled the elements year ‘round. I remember my Dad and me getting caught in a Nor’easter when I was sixteen. I piloted that boat while we bounced around for three hours. When it calmed down, we were sixty miles south of our home port. The only time I took my hands off of the wheel was to help Dad bale water. After that Dad figured I was a real sailor and let me solo.”
Jokingly, Ben asked, “Was it a race or just a Sunday cruise?”
“It was a father and son regatta. You have heard of them?”
Oliver felt his throat constrict. He could not breathe or speak. His left arm dropped to the table, the Movado watch hitting with a loud clunk.
Ulysses snorted. “Ben, the water here is placid. After all Pacific means peaceful. What kind of challenge is that? You might as well sail on Lake Tahoe or Lake Mead. I’m talking about the Atlantic Ocean. For centuries, men have battled her and lost. The Titanic sunk in the Atlantic!
“In the East we have to worry about real storms –hurricanes. You people here on the Pacific coast have nothing that comes close to that. You get maybe one or two bad storms in a year? That’s a daily concern in the Northeast. Nothing, I repeat nothing, is scarier than being alone on the Atlantic during a storm. Your little trip wouldn’t qualify for a junior sailor’s test in Cape Cod!”
Silence wrapped both hands around everyone’s throat. The men twirled glass stems, gulped drinks, or looked at an empty spot on the burnished, mahogany table. No one was brave enough to make eye contact with Ben.
Ben Campanella raised his snifter. “I salute your superior seamanship. To Ulysses Gibson IV, a true sailor!”
As Ulysses returned the gesture, Oliver remembered to exhale.
Ben glanced at his watch and swiveled to face his executives. “Gentlemen, our hosts have a long trip back to the Midwest in the morning. Shall we call it an evening?” He turned first to Oliver, then to Ulysses. “Thank you gentlemen for an exquisite dinner and a most interesting evening. Please have a safe trip and give my best to Barclay Buck.” He stood and the others followed suit.
Oliver, looking like he had seen the Grim Reaper’s bony finger motioning for him, walked mechanically to the bar to settle the tab. As the group strolled across the parking lot, Ben draped an arm around Oliver’s shoulder and whispered. “Would you mind calling me at home after you return to your room?”
“Not at all, it should be about forty–five minutes.”
“That will be fine.”
The five men shook hands and climbed into their respective vehicles.
Oliver clamped both hands on the steering wheel and squeezed until his fingers throbbed. He stared out the window and thought about removing Ulysses’s bones one by one and beating the lifeless body with its own jawbone. “Ulysses, there are some cardinal rules in sales. The first is to never interrupt the client. The second is to never top the client’s story. The third rule is to never, I repeat never, get combative with a client.”
“His story was weak. Heck, I can think of fifty more daring stories than th–” He never finished the sentence.
Oliver thrust his face inches from Ulysses’s wide eyes. “Listen to me you little weasel. You may have just blown fifty million dollars annually with your disrespect to Ben Campanella! You offended our biggest client. He wants me to call him after I get back to the room! What do you think he wants to talk about, your superior sailing skills?” He wiped spittle from the corner of his mouth. “If you blew this deal, I swear I will rip you into bite-sized pieces and feed you to Pacific Ocean sharks every day until your worthless carcass is consumed!”
Ulysses was afraid. He pulled his head back to create distance from Oliver, then babbled; “Ben toasted me.”
“No you moron, he was being a gentlemen and putting the rest of us at ease. Oliver slid back into his seat. “Do not say another word to me! Not one word or I swear I will slap you so hard your head will roll uphill.”
Ulysses blinked, shivered, and stared out the passenger window. During the drive to the hotel, the only sound was Oliver’s occasional angry snorts. Oliver spun into the hotel’s elongated semi-circle driveway and slammed on the brakes. “Ulysses, don’t even think about saying anything, especially good night. There is nothing good about it. Just get out of my sight.”
Ulysses fumbled nervously for the door handle and scrambled out of the car.
Oliver parked the car and trudged through the parking lot to the lobby. He took the stairs, all seven flights, instead of the elevator. When he entered his room, he was winded and soaked. He was also confused. How do I salvage this deal? After splashing cold water on his face, he stared into the mirror. Will Rogers would have backhanded Ulysses tonight.
Despite the time difference, he called Barclay Buck at home. “I wanted to touch base with you before I call Ben. Quite frankly I don’t know what to expect or what to say.”
“Ollie, just let him talk. Ben will vent initially but he’ll cool off. Defer any decisions to me. All I want you to do is listen and call me afterwards.”
“Yes sir. What do you want me to do about Ulysses?”
“Leave that to me. I’ll meet with him when he returns.”
“They way I feel, his return could be in a body bag. Right now I just don’t even want to see that little weasel. If I did, I’d pinch his head off and kick it across the bay. He just couldn’t keep his mouth shut.”
“Oliver, you warned me about this very possibility and I should have listened to you. I apologize for doubting your gut feeling. I’ll deal with Ulysses. Right now you need to calm down and call Ben.”
“Yes sir. I’ll call you again after I speak with Ben.”
“Oliver, I have faith in you.”
“Thanks.”
Ben answered on the first ring. “Ollie, you and I have been friends and business associates for years. Barclay and I go back even further than that. I am not going to tell you how to run your business. Nor am I going to cancel our agreement.”
Oliver whispered, “Thank you.”
“I am going to make two requests that I expect to be honored. First, I want a dedicated executive for my company's credit matters - someone other than Ulysses. I’m giving you enough business that you can afford twenty people dedicated to me, but I’m only asking for one.”
“We can do that. You have my word on it.”
“I thought as much. That was the easy part. You have to do something about that young man. I have not been spoken to like that for years. A ‘nice little story? ‘A junior’s test?’ and ‘the superiority of the Atlantic Ocean for centuries!’ Where does he get off talking to me like that?”
“Do you want him fired?”
“Oh heavens no. The man made an error in social judgment. He obviously knows his job, what he lacks is savoir faire and business sense.”
“I don’t understand. You don’t want him fired? What you want us to do?”
“I want him to apologize to me, in person, and by himself.”
“When and where do you want him?”
“Nine tomorrow morning, in my office.”
“He’ll be there.”
“But do me a favor; don’t tell him the deal is still on. I want him to sweat.”
“You and me both. Off the record, Ulysses doesn’t think before he speaks, at times he is his own worst enemy.”
“I do not doubt that.” Ben explained his plan, ending with an ominous; “I want to teach this young man a lesson he will remember for years.”
“Ben, I must thank you for being so gracious. We value you as a friend and a business partner. I’m sorry this happened.”
“Ollie you tell Barclay that he owes me one, no make that two cases, of Napa Valley’s finest!”
Oliver ended the call and kicked off his shoes, then walked to the honor bar and gulped a mini bottle of Scotch. He poured a second over ice before calling Barclay.
“Give it to me straight Ollie.”
“Boss, Ben was upset and rightfully so. He was also very gracious and will honor his commitment.” Oliver recapped the conversation in detail, including the request for a dedicated credit liaison.
“He can have an entire unit for all I care! Good work man!”
Oliver swigged another mouthful of scotch. “He wants Ulysses to apologize tomorrow morning at nine and he wants to make him sweat.”
“He deserves to sweat. Make sure he is early and understands what he is to do. I don’t want him screwing up any further. Tell him to wear knee pads and grovel if that is what Ben demands.”
“There’s more.” Oliver told his boss of Ben’s plan.
Barclay chuckled. “Ben hasn’t changed a bit, still a vindictive devil. I love it!”
Emboldened by the scotch, Oliver forged ahead. “Barclay, can I ask you a favor? Will you call Ulysses? If I hear that voice again tonight; I might reach through the phone and rip his lips off.”