Embracing Eros:
Sexual
Healing for the 21st Century
by
Margaret L. Wade
Published by McLeod &
Mattingly
Smashwords Edition
Embracing Eros:
Sexual Healing
for the 21st Century
Copyright 2010 Margaret L. Wade
An Overview of Sexual Healing Techniques and Benefits
Choosing and Working with a Sexual Healer
My first experience with sexual healing occurred in 1999 during a typical therapuetic massage. The massage therapist told me that I had pelvic tension that was probably chronic. He had worked on the muscles and fascia, and explained that some “internal” work would help tremendously. He thoroughly described what would help and how he would do the work. The potential benefits far outweighed the risks, so I decided to try it.
The bodyworker put on a latex glove, and using some lubricant, put a finger inside my vagina. Pressing his finger in specific spots while stretching the muscles in my legs, he explained that he was pressing on the places where the chronically tight muscles attached to the bones. The pressure eased the tension for a moment, reminding the muscle how to relax, and increasing the blood flow when he removed his finger. The result of the session was a feeling of physical fluidity, comfort and freedom in my body that was entirely new to me. Doing my usual life activities for the next few days, I felt more fluid, comfortable and free, too. Dancing, skating and lovemaking especially were much more enjoyable.
While no single session of any type of therapy can be expected to cure a chronic condition, just one session did have some permanent effects on my body. From that session on, I no longer had cramps with each monthly cycle. A series of five sessions with the bodyworker dramatically reduced the constipation I had experienced much of my life. I also had fewer lower back pains, which I had associated with two climbing injuries, and thought I was destined to endure for the rest of my life.
This might have been the extent of my exposure to these practices had I not accompanied a friend to a public event on sexual healing. She was dealing with old sexual abuse issues and wanted emotional support while attending the event. What I heard that night amazed me. There was a panel of seven individuals who offered work that, while offered in the spirit of education and healing, could potentially be considered prostitution and lead to the conviction and imprisonment of the service provider. I heard them describe their work, what sessions with them looked like, and results they had achieved with past clients.
One was a sexy, vibrant, older woman who called herself a sacred whore and taught men how to make love to their girlfriends and wives. A second woman worked with women and men on sensual sensitivity, chronic tension and receiving. A man offered the same services to women as well as sexual self-control education for men. Another man on the panel had developed a world-wide community of men who took classes and workshops in erotic massage, offering a safe way to touch each other erotically during the early days of AIDS.
The basic premise of sexual healing work is that we lack erotic knowledge, and that we can learn it as individuals and as a culture. This learning re-connects us with our highly personal erotic identities, and we regain self-acceptance, self-esteem and functionality. Sometimes we also remember our link with a divine source, however we might conceive of it. As we become more comfortable with our physical nature and start enjoying being in our bodies a bit more, we find that life feels more exquisitely sensual all of the time, not just during sexual activities.
Pleasure itself can create healing. Scientific research shows that endorphins, the body's native feel good neurotransmitters which are released during pleasurable experiences, have natural healing effects. Perhaps you remember a time when you felt pain, loneliness or grief that was relieved by pleasant company and conversation, a funny movie or lovemaking. Pleasure also reduces tension. And pleasure between partners goes a long way toward healing rifts.
Unfortunately, we have been raised in a sex-negative culture without even realizing it. Sex has been such a taboo for most of our lives that we don't notice that most public references to it are advertisements, jokes or associations with violence of some sort. We are told that it is the most beautiful thing we can do with our legally, church-sanctioned spouse, and also that it is dirty and should be used exclusively for procreation. The confusion created is endless.
On a personal level, women are supposed to be chaste in public, and virgins when they marry, yet be naturally enthusiastic and proficient in bed on their wedding night due to true love for their new husbands. Men are expected to take command of their first sexual experience, even though most of the information they have received until then has probably been of the “size matters” and “did you score?” varieties. Women are called sluts as a result of the same behavior that makes a man a man.
While much of this mixed messaging is changing, it has been a lurching, three-steps-forward-two-steps-back type of progress. We offer “abstinence only” sex “education” in the schools, yet we have sensible information readily available on the Internet for those who know how to find it. However, many online sources offer their own contradictory and misleading bits of information, and those who most need education are in the worst position to discern the quality and accuracy of what they find.
The insidious nature of our sex-negative conditioning cannot be overstated. By refusing to acknowledge our sexual nature, we are negating the most basic physical truth of our beings: We are all conceived during a sex act. We are born because our parents had intercourse. It is that simple. And the harm done by calling it a sin is incalculable.
I know a couple who were very happy together, playful and affectionate. At a certain age, they decided that they should have no more children, and since their religion said sex was strictly for procreation, they were not to make love anymore. They no longer felt free to express their love for each other, and they quit touching and sharing their former ritual good-bye and hello kisses. Their affection and playfulness died, and over time, was replaced with bitterness and judgment. They lost their physical connection completely and eventually their emotional one as well. Imagine if we considered eating – another basic physical function that pleasurably fulfills a need – a sin of equal proportion!
Sexual healing attempts to correct the damage created by these confusing mixed messages, negative conditioning and lack of education. In most cases, healing arises naturally out of one's body once it is accepted and allowed to be erotically whole.
Sexual healing work has been shown to successfully address issues of shame, body image, chronic pelvic tension, and personal self-acceptance, even when there seems to be no connection with one's sexuality. Social acceptance of sexual healing work and understanding of its benefits are being increasingly acknowledged, in the same way seeing a psychotherapist has moved from being a stigma to becoming an acceptable, beneficial and wise tool to help one through difficult times.
In recent years, “sexual healing” has become a successful therapeutic modality for many individuals and couples. Practitioners use other words to describe what they do, but we’ll stick with “sexual healing” since most people understand its general meaning. Sexual healing encompasses a variety of techniques used for both physical and emotional issues. Sex therapy has proved effective for some people, but our focus here is on therapies that are lesser known and include physical touch, which psychologists and sex therapists are not allowed to do. Most physical issues addressed have arisen due to medical care or after conventional medicine has done all it can with limited success.
Sexual healing work can be distinguished in two primary ways. The first category of sexual healing helps sufferers heal issues with their sexuality and sexual functioning. A growing field of healing is for those who have undergone surgeries and other medical treatments which affect their sexual functioning in physical ways. Some of the most obvious cases are individuals who have had radiation, mastectomies, prostate surgery, and sexual reassignment surgery. People benefit from learning how to use their changed bodies and from developing new ways of giving and receiving sexual pleasure. These options are seldom offered in medical situations.
After medical issues have been dealt with, the most prevalent sexual problems are caused by the cultural disapproval of sexuality. It may seem that sex is highly regarded due to the ubiquity of sexual images, references and jokes, but the nature of those references is not usually respectful and upbeat.
There's a general, often unrecognized, sense that a person's body is not really their own to do with as they please. Our culture judges our use of our own bodies. Society decides that our bodies can be used and modified in certain ways and not others. For instance, cosmetic surgery is acceptable for someone who has been disfigured by injuries or illness, but it's still questionable for purely aesthetic reasons. It's OK to decorate your body with make-up and hair color (if you’re female) but not personal artwork like tattoos. Even tattoos that aren't visible to the general public are considered of questionable moral value. The recent surge in body art (including piercing, branding and so on) is, in part, a rebellious act against these unspoken rules.
As for sex, religions and governments have consistently decided who it is acceptable to have sex with -- and when and how -- even when the person you want to have sex with is yourself. This pervasive disapproval is part of us as members of this culture, and it harms us more than you would suspect. When people feel that an inherent part of their nature is wrong, they can fight themselves internally in extremely destructive ways. (Consider the high rate of suicide among young gays in some religious environments.) Even when a person mentally rationalizes away the negativity, it still affects their sex life. This results, for many people, in sexual dysfunction and the inability to tolerate physical pleasure.
So the first issue for those receiving sexual healing work is often simply learning to accept themselves as they are. Then they can learn to feel and receive pleasure. These processes require overcoming guilt and shame for things they've actually done, or for merely being a human tainted by “original sin.” Licensed sex and marriage therapists can discuss these issues, but they are not allowed to touch their clients. So sexual healers working outside of societal approval do physical aspects of this work. They might work with a sex therapist to address the specific needs of their common client(s), but so far this is rare.
Another big area of sexual healing work involves the many, many people who have been abused or violated. This includes even those for whom the abuse was not sexually focused. The self-worth issues and physical boundary violations that are inherent in any kind of abuse affect one's sexuality.
The second avenue of sexual healing uses erotic methods to heal other dysfunctions and diseases. The use of erotic methods to heal issues other than sexuality is a lesser understood phenomenon. It is based on the philosophy that the body has a natural tendency toward health, and when given its basic needs – food, sleep, sex, etc. – it naturally maintains its own health. Many alternative health modalities are based on this fundamental process. In your biology classes this was called homeostasis.
Sexual healers who use erotic methods to enhance healing of other physical processes encourage the build-up of erotic energy in their clients. In a way that sounds like some descriptions of how energy healing systems work, erotic healers raise the energy and allow it to flow through the body to give the body what it needs to do its own healing.
In addition to healing the body, many people will tell you that good sex can heal a relationship going through a rocky patch. Others have had transformational experiences during sex that truly changed their lives for the better. Sexual healers offer such experiences intentionally. Some work with couples in order to help them through those tough times, and can teach them processes to do with each other to improve and maintain their relationships.
It's not easy to find a good sexual healer due to the societal factors involved. But the need for them, and increasing acceptance of our sexuality, will change their availability. They've fallen in and out of favor for centuries, and their time has come again.
An Overview of Sexual Healing Techniques and Benefits
Sexual healers come from a variety of traditions and learn their craft in different learning situations. One of the forms this takes is the profession of sexological bodywork, which is certified by the California Board of Education. Since it has been legally certified, the curriculum and practices are available to share with you. These basic teachings of sexological bodywork are representative of successful sexual healing methods used in other traditions (though it’s by no means comprehensive).
Sexological bodyworkers are somatic sex educators who help clients use their erotic energy for healing, pleasure and transformation. A wide variety of techniques are used for an even wider variety of desired outcomes. As more people take advantage of this new profession, no doubt additional techniques and outcomes will be discovered.
As described previously, my first experience of this type of work was due to chronic pelvic tension. The muscles in that region of my body held tension, and as the habitual tension was relieved bit by bit, I developed increased awareness and sensitivity of my pelvis. I noticed a tendency to tighten that area in certain situations. For instance, whenever I was driving and something unexpected happened in traffic, or I got frustrated with traffic jams or erratic drivers, I would contract those muscles even if I didn't have to slam on the brakes or take any other evasive actions. I began to notice contraction during lovemaking if things were moving too fast, or if my partner was going in a direction that wasn't working for me and I wasn't communicating that openly.