Whole
By Wendy Brumback
Smashwords Edition, May 2011
Copyright 2011 by Wendy Brumback
Cover Photo by Sarah Wilson
Cover design by Wendy Brumback
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Whole
By Wendy Brumback
Part I
Make no mistake about it – life is hard. So many things happen to us throughout our time spent on this earth, and sadly, some of those things are not pleasant. We walk away from these situations feeling as if we will never be the same again. Nothing looks the same to us anymore and we let those negative emotions take hold in our hearts, grabbing hold, leaving its permanent mark. It is as if there has been a chunk of our hearts scratched, sliced through, torn open, ripped out; leaving us wounded. We wonder if we can be whole again.
The answer is yes. What we have accepted is that our lives will be different and changed by these events - that we will not have the life we had before. We accept this theory believing that God has simply put us on a new path; one we will follow and filled with just as many wonderful things as we had before. Our experiences shape who we are and we will find many more places to go and people to love.
But what if I told you that it doesn’t have to be that way? We can find the life we had. It is not as if those experiences in our life don’t have an impact on us. We have to accept that they have happened, we even have to remember them from time to time, but they do not have to take control over us, they do not have to lead us down a new path.
No matter what path you follow in life it is similar everybody else’s. It has its smooth parts and it’s rocky ones. We try so hard to find the smoothest path to follow in life, but those don’t exist, and if they did could you ever really even call that path a life? It would be nothing more than surviving. That path may seem fine for the time being, but eventually you will start to feel a little sad about it, you will remember the life you once had, and you will miss it. Do not fear that road, it may have lead to something that has wounded you, but that does not mean you have to stay wounded. So do not fear it, for God is with you along your journey. He is there to lend a hand. We must look to him to guide us.
The Hole
Our lives will continually be filled with trials and tribulations. This is in part what life is, filled with uncertainty. Change comes every moment of the day. You will always have a choice to make. These choices are usually typical: What to eat or what to wear. However, every so often, you have a bigger choice to make: The job you take, a vacation to plan. You try to put yourself in happy environments; ones that give you moments filled with joy. Sometimes however, your choice will produce an unpleasant result. When this happens you usually take action to correct it. But, what happens when someone else’s choice causes you pain?
The events of your life you have no control over are often the ones that cause you the greatest suffering. When a loved one dies, abuse, hateful words, attacks, being ignored; all this and more, you have little to no ability to stop from happening. Because of this, you may choose to withdraw, become depressed, or even angry. What we often forget is that God can, and will, heal all wounds; large and small, we only have to let him. This can be a difficult thing to do. Sometimes we struggle to let go of these emotions; we have dealt with them for so long that the only relief from the pain they caused is the control we exert in holding onto those emotions.
Here I must take the time to explain that not everyone experiences the same sufferings, nor do they in the same ways. For some they are internal, and for others they are external and they come in all shapes and sizes. But, you should never ignore any wound, no matter the size. No wound should be discarded as unimportant. You need to fill every hole, mend every tare. The heart is meant to be whole and holy; not filled with holes.
In order to mend your heart you must first determine what type of hole hinders it. Letting God in to heal you may happen instantly, but for so many of us it will be a process filled with ups and downs. However, you can take comfort in knowing though that however many steps it takes to get there, God is with you along the way. “And I will walk in and with and among you” Leviticus 26:12a (Amplified Bible). A good first step to take is determining what type of wound you have and what caused it.
There are two basic types of wounds. The first is the open wound. This is laid out for the entire world to see. It is often caused by, but not limited to, the loss of a loved one. Many people know and see your pain. You couldn’t hide it if you wanted to.
The second type is the hidden wound. Someone hurting you often causes this. A childhood abuse, fight with a loved one that ends bad, and physical loss all fall into this category, and like before, it is not limited to only these events.
The Open Wound
Here you feel as if someone grabbed and ripped. You feel as if everything in your heart can, or is, spilling out in front of you, exposing your wounds to others.
I have an old friend who knows this type of pain. He is an amazing man and his insights into a life with God are beautiful. He seeks after God in everything he does. Because of his outgoing and cheerful personality he is an amazing public speaker. Back in college we always asked him to talk at our functions; even after he graduated and moved away we were always asking him to come back and talk with us.
It was soon after that we found out he didn’t always feel like accepting our invitations. That was fine in and of its self - until he told us why. He said he did not feel he should speak with other people about God, that he wasn’t a good enough Christian. He had lost someone close to him and because we all knew what had happened, we could all see the effect the event had on him. He even felt that his “not being good enough” was apparent to the world as well, that it was exposed for anyone to see. He couldn’t understand why we would want someone like him to tell us about God.
His wound was deep and he struggled to find a way to let it heal. In his case guilt was holding him back; making him feel as if he would dishonor the memory of the person if he let go of the emotional pain of the loss. I’ll talk more about guilt later, but you can see here that for every hurt in your heart there is a cause and effect; the what - what hurt us, and the why - why we don’t fix it.
The open wound often causes extreme self-image difficulties. You may see yourself as unworthy, undesirable, unlovable, unwanted, and even worthless. The bible tells you that this is not the case. That in fact we are all created in his likeness and created for a purpose. God wants you, and he loves you. “He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Ecclesiastes 3:11a (NKJV).
You can have a happy life with an open wound, but there will be nights in which it will drain you, making you feel run down and empty. You can laugh, but there will be times you will feel as if something is missing. You can be successful and gain everything you thought you ever wanted, but in the end you will realize that you still need more.
Open wounded people can have a life that looks successful on the outside. You might have the house, the career, the spouse, and the kids. Others think you have everything they ever wanted, when in truth it is a life filled with turmoil. You try to over compensate your loss by filling you life with as many possessions as possible; using that to fill the void left by the scar. But, in the end it is never enough. You must in turn, after gaining something, seek another object, or set another goal. It is not only a way to try and fill the void, but a way to avoid it as well. Sometimes it seems that if it is ignored it long enough, you will turn around one day to discover that it is gone.
The open wound holds a sadness unexplained by anything else. Even when someone can relate, it still seems so different, simply because it is your loss. And truth be told, it isn’t the same. No one has ever had the same relationship you had. No one lost exactly what you lost. However, you can find comfort in the realization that God does know, that he does understand. He not only walks your paths with you, but he is planted in your heart, feeling what you feel. The burdens you bare are his to bear as well. He knows your heart. “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart.” Psalm 34:18a (NKJV)
The Hidden Wound
The hidden wound is internal. Many people would never even guess you had such a wound in your heart. For some, you put a smile on your face and walk out the door. Everyone likes you. They all think you’re so sweet or cool. You can even convince yourself that all is right with the world - until you go home at night and sit down alone. When you have a moment to sit and think that is when the reality hits - you feel like a fake and you wonder if you will ever be as happy as you pretend to be.
For others this wound can cause you to withdrawal, preventing you from doing many things in life you would otherwise rather be doing. People may know why this has happened to you; however, they struggle to understand why you don’t snap out of it. They can’t understand why you aren’t going back to being yourself. The wound is still so fresh for you, but others can’t see it; which can make it hard for them to understand.
I myself struggle with hidden wounds. I have dealt with tiny open wounds as well, but my big one came in the hidden wound form. As a child I had been subjected to name calling and pranks. This went on for several years and escaladed from just a few kids on the bus, to the kids in my class, to a good chunk of the student-body as well. The school was only about 250 students, but it felt like the world to me.
I felt so lonely and so lost. When my family finally moved and I started making friends again I was much happier, but only when I was with others. At home at night I would still cry. I would still look in the mirror and wonder why I had to be so ugly. Everyone thought I was so sweet and nice but I thought I was a phony. The inside of my heart was so torn up; so battered and bruised, I thought I deserved to be in my world of hidden depression. How could I ever mend such a wound?
The hidden wound can sometimes be hard to detect. With the open wound people can see it. They know you had the loss in your life. They saw what happened to you. Your friends are there to help. God wants there to be people to help mend your hidden wounds as well. He lets people see bits and pieces of your heart. You have to be willing to open up about it as well. Your friends want to help, no matter what type, or what caused your wounds, but sometimes you have to be blunt about what has happened to you.
The hidden wound is often held onto because of fear, the fear of letting go. You can actually become comfortable with your pains, fearing what can happen if you let them go. You think it would be great if you weren’t a fake, but you still have doubts in your ability to succeed. Is the job of your dreams going to be all right? What if you can’t handle it? What if you’re not meant to have kids? What if you will be a horrible parent? You are scared that you will fail.
I’ll let you know one thing right now. Failure isn’t as bad as all that. Yes, it doesn’t feel real good when it happens, but the ride you take to get there sure is a blast. The ride is the whole sundae, cherry and all. Your accomplishments are great, but they are not the cherry. They are the beginning rush of starting a new journey. And if you look at failure as a chance to devour another bite of ice cream, then you will feel that adrenaline rush, and you will still have your chocolate swirl sundae with nuts, whipped cream, and the cherry on top.
With the hidden wound you often live in the shadows, afraid to move forward in life. You become comfortable in sadness. If anything you believe that if you keep yourself away from things then you can’t get hurt again. Then all you have to feel is what is already there, no more worrying about taking on additional pain. When you are lucky enough to find a spouse, it is because they came to you. They stuck around until you believed that they cared about you, even if you couldn’t figure out why. Sometimes though, even you don’t open up your heart completely to them. You fear that they will walk away if they see what is there. And the reality is that you want them to stay, you need them there, to open up to with the whole truth, to pray with, and to hold onto.
Another problem with the hidden wound is that even when you do open up you often leave things out and keep part of your pain hidden. This falls into the whole “they won’t like me if they see the truth” assumption. You think “why would they, I don’t even like myself!” But you must remember that if you are willing to accept others for who they are, then chances are they feel the same way about you.
Your wounds keep you from the things you most desire. You cannot follow God’s plan for your life if you don’t open yourself up to others and to God. You must close these wounds in order to live a well rounded and fulfilling life.
Healing
It is so important to heal these wounds. Your heart is to be given to the Lord. It is meant to be complete. Hand it to him, as is, and he will mend it. Often with these wounds you will find yourself holding back. You think “why would he want it when it is so torn, battered and broken? Maybe it would just be best if I wait until later when it doesn’t look so bad?” No! You must start the healing process now. You need him to heal your heart, and you need your heart to be whole. God wants you to be happy and healthy, living your life so fully and completely, that you feel every emotion with your whole heart, not just the bad. He wants you to feel complete. “that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.” II Timothy 3:17 (NKJV).
Often we have trouble committing to the healing process. This is due to guilt, fear, shame, and even addiction to your pain. You are scared of what that pain really is and don’t think you have the strength to deal with it. Maybe you just don’t want to deal with the reality, or truth behind it. You think that if you let the pain out that it will never stop, that you will never feel anything but that pain again. It’s okay to feel that way, the body is not meant to deal with such intense emotion forever. But, do not worry, the pain will eventually dull, and fade away completely. God is there for you. He will provide the strength. “And my God shall be my strength.” Isaiah 49:5b (NKJV).
Your heart needs to be whole. Only when it is can you truly know God’s complete love. You will feel your heart grow and change as the wounds mend, heal, and fade away as if they never happened. New pieces of your life will creep in and you will learn to use those pieces to choose the paths you will follow. God is in everything you do. He shows you the way; you must open up to him completely and let him heal it. You must let him make it whole again.
Part II
Most of the time it can be easy to figure out what event in our lives caused a hole in our hearts. Events are printed in our minds. We can see a picture of a moment and the words used are clear as day. I was once told that we all have a photographic memory, most of us don’t know how to access it. This is why when we have a picture, or event in life we remember it. But, what about emotions? They can be harder to figure out.
To fix holes in our hearts we must first determine the emotional cause that we hold onto. We have to find the guilt we hold, the fear that consumes us, and the shame that drags us down. We might hold onto anger, frustration, foolishness, hate or addiction. When we find the emotional source we can then move on to repairing it. But determining what that emotion is must come first. We are like a doctor, using our previous knowledge, mixing it with the symptoms, then determining a course of action. And just like a doctor, if you misdiagnose, the initial problem is not repaired. Heart surgery won’t help someone with a broken arm, just as dealing with anger won’t help if you are filled with fear.
It is a bit scary to dive into our emotions and just start hacking away. But, do not be scared of this. Our emotions are what make us human. Without them life is stale and, well, boring. We rarely experience intense emotions connected to extreme pain or extreme joy. God has meant for them to be part of our lives though. We can’t always play it safe. Jump on in. If you still need a little push then remember that God is at your side waiting to hold you and comfort you in your pain. You must deal with your pain first. He is waiting to walk you through it and lead you to a place of extreme joy in your life. “Up to this time you have not asked a [single] thing in My Name; [as presenting all that I AM] but now ask and keep on asking and you will receive, so that your joy (gladness, delight) may be full and complete.” John 16:24 (Amplified Bible).
Guilt
“When he had by offering Himself accomplished our cleaning of sins and riddance of guilt.” Hebrews 1:3b (Amplified Bible)
Guilt can be a difficult concept for us to fully understand. We tend to define it as something bad we feel out of regret over something we shouldn’t have done. While this is true, it is not the only reason we develop guilt. We can often take on guilt because of what someone else has done to us, thinking we could have stopped it, and should have stopped it, or even that we did something to deserve it. Those of us that have experienced abuse in our lives often feel this way. People who have suffered child abuse are often told by the abuser that it is their fault, that they had done something bad and they deserved to be punished because of it. In cases of sexual abuse the abuser may even go as far as to say that the victim was “so good looking that I couldn’t help myself,” that if they hadn’t looked the way they did, it wouldn’t have happened to them.
If you have experienced this you will find yourself, especially as a woman, trying to dull yourself down. You keep your looks as below average as possible. If this is the case you probably suffer from guilt. Men will often fall into a promiscuous lifestyle, especially if their attacker was male. They seem to feel tainted. That sex with women will, in a way, wash away the dirty feeling of being touched by another male. This is, however, not limited to just one gender. Females can experience promiscuity as well, and males can pull away from the world, falling into the shadows and hiding.
Guilt because of such situations, situations beyond our control, causes extreme self-image problems. It twists up our insides. We never feel good enough. It is a continual battle in our hearts and minds. When we do allow ourselves to feel joy a little voice in our heads asks us what we are doing. It tells us that we shouldn’t feel happy. That we don’t have the right to, that we are on a path that will lead to trouble.
Why do we let it eat us up? Because at the moment we were attacked, at our weakest moment, we were told to think that way. Every little thing that goes wrong in our life we will place into a little folder labeled “I’m not good enough.” We must throw away that folder. God did not put it there, it was done by whoever hurt you; and as hard as it can be to accept, they were wrong.
I know it is so hard to believe. I couldn’t stand it when people used to tell me to just let it go, the past is the past. I thought if I could figure out what I did wrong that I would feel better. It would not only stop it from ever happening again, but it would somehow, magically, be fixed as if it never happened. I could imagine myself at parties telling stories of my past about how this bad thing happened to me, but I did something (whatever scenario was playing in my head at the moment) and everything was good again. I could tell my testimony to hundreds of people and they would cry and applaud. And everyone would know I had found peace because I had figured it out.
Fantasy. That’s all I can use to describe it because it can never work that way. We hold onto our guilt because we feel that we can fix it.
I know in some ways we don’t want to, or even feel that we can, let go of this guilt. I have a challenge for you here. Whenever you feel guilty about something I want you to write down two counter memories. Pick ones from when you helped someone or where you accomplished something. Now remember I want two for every time you feel guilty about something. The truth is that as you take the time to remember something good you did, you will find that you have a thousand good memories for every one thing that makes you feel guilty. It’s a little easier to come to terms with your guilt if you see that good things have happened. It also helps if you make it a point to tell yourself “This wasn’t my fault” every time you start to feel bad.
Another common form of guilt comes from losing someone we loved. Many people who dealt with the loss of a loved one when they were young often struggle with this. Our guilt happens when memories start to fade. We feel bad about not remembering them, believing that because we don’t think about them as much, we have stopped loving them, and are disrespecting their memory. Guilt over what we have come to believe is forgetting about our loved ones, creeps in till we start to hold onto the loss. We replay memories over and over in our minds, remembering what life was like when they were still alive. And we weep when our memories turn to grief over the loss. Now living in a world of memories, we have forgotten to make new ones. Unfortunately, the longer we live in guilt; fewer and fewer new memories are created.
Our lives stop, we have forgotten to live them. We go to work and pay our bills. The dishes get done and we sit at church. We love God and we cry out to him, asking him to take our life into his hands. However, we fail to hand certain pieces of it over to him. We tell him to take it, to heal our hearts, but we hold onto our wounds, not realizing that those pieces are the ones God wants to nurture the most.
We add guilt to guilt wanting God to change our life but when we don’t let him it makes us feel bad. We attempt to make an excuse or become defensive about it. Why let go? What good would it do? Does it really change that much? Yes! It changes everything. Letting go means moving on to what God has planned for you. It is not God’s plan for us to live in the past, but to praise him for the moment we are in, and look forward to his future plans for us. It might not come easy; and you may have to work hard at handing over your grief, but don’t give up. It’s worth it.
An old friend of mine is so passionate about the Lord. He wants so much to live a fulfilling life. But he thinks everything should come naturally, that things just aren’t really that hard. He uses the Lord to escape the pains of his childhood. The issues he had to face to get there have already put some pressure on him. He has wounds that need to be healed. God is slowly working on them. He is not resisting, however is not helping either. Just think how much more fulfilling and rewarding his life will be once he opens up and lets go of the guilt that is haunting him. And think how much better he will feel knowing that he worked for it. Don’t be afraid to push yourself a little to let go of your guilt.
If guilt of letting someone go is haunting you then here are some suggestions to help you let it go. Look for those moments when you start to dwell on the past and when they hit find something else to do. Call a friend, go to the store, or go out to dinner. Don’t be afraid to try something different as well. Take a class at the junior college, get a new haircut, join a different bible study, or even join a gym. Whatever is new to you. Put yourself in a place where you can meet new people.
Back in college some friends of mine and I decided to go on an adventure one day. We hopped in the car and drove two hours away just to go to a steak house. I loved sitting in the car, talking and laughing. The food was great - definitely worth it. We got to drop our peanut shells on the floor and even listened to the waiters and waitresses sing a happy birthday melody complete with a routine. Living in a small town we didn’t have any place like it. Whatever was on our mind at the time (probably finals) just floated away.
You have to take the time to forget in order to remember. When you go on with your life then those moments when you do take a second to remember are that much more special in your heart. Instead of causing a wound, it wraps you in a blanket of hope and love. To have known such a wonderful, loving person has a peaceful effect on us as long as the memory is honored rather than forced.
Another form of guilt comes from a sense that our lost loved one never received the proper tribute. We feel like we are letting them down. They had been such an amazing person and so little about them remains for the world to see. I believe that just knowing that someone out there loves them is tribute enough for them. But, I also know that it probably isn’t enough for those of us hurting because of the loss. So, I suggest finding a way to pay a tribute to them. It can be a big gesture like a memorial to them or something as simple and intimate as filling a box with memories and setting it afloat on a river or the sea.
Actually the memory box is a personal favorite of mine. You find a box that will, of course, float. You can put pictures, fabric, light objects, papers, letters, and so on. Anything you can think of. Also take the time to write down memories of them as well as a personal essay or poem on what they meant to you. Use whatever reminds you of them. Take it down to the water at a peaceful time like dusk, high noon, or even the middle of the night - a time that reflects who they were. Say a tribute prayer and push the little box out into the water. Watch as it floats away and think about how much they enriched your life. Remember the times together then walk away thinking about what your future holds and what they have inspired in you.
When it comes to the loss of a loved one, we must also remember that they truly loved us and that they do not want us to continue to live our lives in guilt. They want us to move on and fulfill God’s purpose in our lives. They want us to be happy and whole.
There is another type of guilt I have to talk about and that is guilt due to something we have done to ourselves. While this book is based more on our wounds due to others actions, the truth is that a few of the wounds we suffer are self inflicted. Sometimes it happened by accident, other times we knew that what we were doing was going to hurt us. Guilt for our sins can consume us. And, at times, we can drag another person along with us. No matter what got us here in the first place, it is that realization that we have done something that becomes our focus. It is what reaches out and takes a stab at your heart.
I say this now to let you know that it can be overcome. Too many people with a self-inflicted wound will see themselves as bad rather than the fact that they only did something bad. One leaves you feeling unable to change, the other shows that you are human and that you make mistakes, but that you are in fact normal. I will let you know right now, that no matter what you have done in your past, that you are not a bad person. As long as you look to God, as long as he is your salvation, you have been forgiven of your sins and they have been erased from your past. In turn that makes you a good person. “But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more,” Romans 5:20b (NKJV).
Guilt in this perspective however can be tricky. It seems to be the starting point. We believe that because we slipped once that we will do it again. And because we believe we will mess up, we do. No one ever knows our little secret, and if there is no one to share the burden with, then that secret will consume us. We live our lives as a double agent, hiding in the shadows as we slip from our image as the perfect Christian to our alternative lifestyle. We can even create a persona in our church community that speaks out against our own sins. We create a world, in our mind, of safety. We think that if we say something against it that no one will look at us as someone that does it, that nobody will see our secret. This, in turn, creates fear. We have set ourselves up to never let the truth out and have added the role of hypocrite to our offenses. Believing that now we can never tell.
You did think that by speaking out against these things that you could in turn keep someone from following the same path. That you could keep someone from the wounds you have inflicted upon yourself. That the guilt you feel will be unfelt by others.
Even with these selfless motives though, we must find a way to break this cycle. And the only way to do it is to tell someone. I realize that standing up in front of your church and confessing is not on your to do list, nor would I suggest it. It is better to start small. Confess to a trusted friend, someone you trust to not tell your secret to the world and will let you wait until you are ready to let others know. Let that someone hold you accountable.
If you have shielded yourself from becoming too close to your friends and while you love them dearly, you aren’t sure whom you can trust with your secret, then consider a counselor, one that will work within your faith would be best. They are there to help guide you in your life. They will not only pull together a plan to help you remove yourself from the path you are on, but they help to remove the guilt you feel as well. With them you will take many steps to improving your life and tearing apart that double life you have been living to create one fulfilling life, a life in which you can love God with your whole heart.
Guilt is a rough feeling. It leads to other negative emotions and it can be difficult to let go of because it can convince us that it is a good emotion. Even with the sadness in our heart because of it, we will hang on because we believe that it is helping us. It is time to push these thoughts away. We feel bad because it is bad. We must convince ourselves that holding on to these feelings of guilt will not make us better, they will not fix our problems, and they cannot bring someone back. Throw out guilt and let the wounds begin to heal. “For I will restore health to you And heal you of your wounds,’ says the Lord,” Jeremiah 30:17a (NKJV).
Fear
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God.” Isaiah 41:10a (NKJV)
Fear is the single reason we stop ourselves from doing anything. Things like guilt co-exist with foolishness or anger most of the time. But fear often stands alone. We find ourselves in situations that hate or shame never plays a part. We simply don’t do it because we are scared of it. There is no other emotion behind it. Other emotions can be involved with fear; it’s just that when it comes to fear, more often than not, that is all there is.
Fear stems from many areas: A fear of failure, that something will happen again, that things will change, and that things might not be what you really want. Each causes us to hold back, and if we do try and push past that scared feeling, we only take little steps, easy steps that usually result in never reaching the end of our journey.
Fear takes hold of us and grips our heart. We hold it onto believing that if we had courage we would never again have fear, that we would be set free from it.
Fear is a part of our daily lives. It lives in undertones within every decision we make. We always fear that the choices we make will not be the right ones. We fear the consequences of that choice.
What we are taught as we grow up is that life is full of choices. You may not like the choices you have, but you have choices. What we should be taught is that every choice brings with it a new adventure, a new opportunity and that life’s choices are not only part of life, but what makes life worth living.
We should be told that sometimes the choices we have to make are hard, but no choice is the wrong one. Each choice leads you on the path that God had intended for you.
Choices should not always be made lightly however. Some decisions are important and need careful thought. But, we are never taught to fear choices we like - only the ones we don’t. We are told that we have to have courage to make the choices we don’t like.
But why doesn’t it take courage to make the choices we do want? I’ll let you in on a little secret. It does. Every choice we make is an act of courage. Because every decision we make - good or bad - leads us in a new direction.
Don’t believe me? Let me tell you a little tale.
John went to work one day. It was a typical day at the office. The morning was filled with paperwork and preparation for the meeting later that day. John was a healthy eater and after his power meal of oatmeal and bananas he whipped through his morning schedule.
Every decision he made that morning seemed to be the right one. However, as our bodies do, he slowed down as lunchtime hit. His body was in need of an energy boost. He loved his lunch meals filled with carbs and proteins. But, today he was a bit more tired than usual; the morning had been hectic. So, he decided that just this once he would splurge. Greasy fast food, and sugar for dessert.
An hour and a half later he felt sluggish and foggy. At the meeting he couldn’t concentrate. Later that day after a healthy dinner, he looked over his notes and realized what he had missed. He saw all the opportunities he had passed over to another just because he changed his eating habit for that one meal.
This story is not meant to scare you into eating right. It is not meant to make you fear the wrong decisions either. What if I continued this tale and told you that because of the opportunities he lost he decided to create a better one for himself? That he then spent every night after work for the next six months writing a novel that was then published and hit the best seller list. He then wrote many more novels and is doing what he is truly passionate about.
The moral is that even the smallest decision we make can have a big impact on our lives. That whether you know it or not, it does take courage to make every decision in your life. So when you really think about it, you do have the courage. You always have and you always will.
You’ve probably heard it said that courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to face it even when you are afraid. This is true, but guess what? You already do that on a daily basis. If this is what is holding you back, take a step forward. It might still be scary to you but, as I just demonstrated, you do have what it takes. God made it that way. Your fear can be short lived. God is there to guide you every step of the way. “The Lord will guide you continually, And satisfy your soul in drought, And strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.” Isaiah 58:11 (NKJV)
Still, for many of us, we do have to take a look at why we are afraid in order to pinpoint the problem and take control of it. There are four main reasons, which I mentioned earlier: The fear of failure, the fear of change, the fear that something will go wrong, and the fear that something is not what we really want. Sometimes we have to know where our fears come from in order to push them aside and say that we have the courage to face them. And sometimes we have to deal with why they are there, in order to take the steps to move on in the healing process.
The first I wish to discuss is the fear of failure. It is at the top of the list for many people. I discussed it a little bit in my chapter on guilt. This fear stems from the bad feeling we get when we don’t accomplish something. It is based solely on an emotional feeling we receive at a single moment.
Yet it creates a domino effect in everything else after that. One emotion like sadness brings on hurt, then anger. We become frustrated, start feeling self-doubt and it continues to grow from there. Often we don’t take the time to realize that we usually have another chance and another shot at our goal.
As children we are taught that if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. But, what is it about this concept that doesn’t stick? Few teachers let you redo your homework. It’s frowned upon if you take a year in school a second time. Often you get punished after you do something wrong the first time. I don’t think it’s one big thing that sets this comment to the back of our minds. I think it is the little things, like mentioned above, that slowly change our way of thinking.
When we get punished it is never explained to us that we do have a second chance to make it right. We were punished to know that it is wrong. But, we do have a second chance to make the right decision, not for fear of punishment, but out of morals that are naturally within us to do what is right.
I once had a teacher that would let us redo our homework. We could sit down, figure out what we did wrong and correct our mistakes. To be fair, he would not give us the second grade. He gave us an average of the two grades. In doing so we were taught not only that we had another chance to succeed, but were also given the option to actually learn the material. Giving us an average of the grades taught us to try our best the first time around, but that we still had another chance and that second chance allowed us to see that the material was a little easier each time we did it, and that there were other ways to approach the work. We were almost guaranteed to, eventually, succeed!
We need to stop our emotions at the first feeling we have when we fail: Sad. Sadness is part of being human. We must allow ourselves to feel sad about it. If we then take this emotion and take a step in the other direction we can move from sad to acceptance and on to a new path that is filled with new knowledge and opportunities.
Another little note here is that sometimes we never even hit the sadness stage. We don’t really care that we failed. This is due to two things. One is that we feel we have failed so much that we come to expect it. The other is that we really don’t want it. We feel relieved to have it done and over with.
This does cause a little damage to the heart. It’s a blow that can cause a bruise or even a dent. However, you can luckily heal it pretty easily - just by making a decision. Choose to set yourself on a new path. Start reaching for something you really truly desire in life.
If you still want to try for your original goal. Then take a step back. What have you done to change your strategies? If the answer is nothing then you know where the problem lies. Think about your goal every day, imagine yourself achieving it then imagine looking back at what you did to get there. Think about what you could do to change it and even try to back track to find what you did wrong.
Sometimes it is the little things that go wrong in our lives that lead us to an even greater fear. If we can stop them now then we can find the healing process in the future very natural and easy.
Our fear of failure is, generally, a rather large wound. It can start off as small as those simple bruises. However, most of us have already passed this stage. We must deal with it as it is. We want to do something, but the fear stops us.
Remember how I mentioned earlier that we all have the courage; we just don’t realize it’s there. You have the courage to do what you want to do. You might have to let the heart heal a little before you can take a step towards your dreams, but once you do here are few tips for you:
- Don’t be afraid to start small. Starting small can give you the boost you need to realize that you can accomplish your goals.
-Ask God to be with you on this journey. God is the only reason things work right.
-Never give up your morals to accomplish a goal. You might accomplish your goal faster, but you will wound yourself again in the end.
The fear of failure is worst when it comes to keeping our hearts from healing. It runs over into everything we do. It stops us from living our life. Just as I mentioned earlier in the chapter on Guilt, we must remember that the journey we take to get there is the best part of life. It is the whole sundae, cherry and all.
Fear of change is probably the second biggest fear. We become so attached to the way things are we forget how exciting and wonderful life’s adventures are. When we are suddenly forced to change it messes us up so bad we often become depressed and out of control. And, it is often caused because of someone else. This fear can lead to guilt, like when we lose someone we love. But, usually what comes from that fear is the fear that we will lose someone else.
The original wound is what we must come to terms with. It is what has been the starting point for these fears. Sometimes though, it is not one specific moment. It can stem from a constant stream of change, the same thing happening again and again. If you moved a lot as a child or were in foster care you may feel a need to stay in one place now that you are an adult. You don’t like it when things don’t go as planned and will often pass up opportunities, great ones, if it means relocating or an adjustment in your daily schedule.
We like things to be predictable. We hate to take new jobs because it means having to learn something new and doing something different; we even pass up better jobs for this reason. More responsibilities, things to learn, etc; this scares us because we fear having to do something different, something we think we may not be any good at.
Fear of change has a major drawback in our walk with God because we settle in our comfort zone. We go to church, we go to bible study, we read our bible, we pray. It’s not that we don’t love the Lord, but how can we grow if what we do never changes? God wants us to live our life and take the opportunities he sends our way. He wants us to live our life with a whole heart and without fear.
If you do have a fear of change, unfortunately change is the only thing that brings you to terms with your fear. For some the fear is pretty intense. You have the same thing for breakfast, you buy the same toothpaste, and you do the same exercise routine. You might have to start small, like ordering something different each day, changing your toothpaste, or take a new exercise class. Just do something different, no matter how small. For others your fear of change is not as extreme, but you still like your schedule and comfy nine to five job. How about these: change an appointment to a new day, get a membership to a new gym, or try a new hair color.
The idea here is to look over what you are willing to physically change in your life and change it, even if it is for a short time at least you learn that change will not kill you, that all change is not bad, and that not all change will leave you with a gaping hole in your heart.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to go crazy and change every little thing in your life. I don’t want every moment in your life to be something extreme you’ve never done before. It will get very dull, very fast. We need moments of calm and peace. A never-ending adrenaline rush isn’t good for you, nor is never having one. You need a good balance.
Here is an example: When I was young I loved to read and even wanted to be a writer. But, I would hide my head under the pillows every time something got scary. You know what I’m talking about. The person sneaks into a house to get the proof they need, every creek makes their heart jump. Suddenly they hear the front door open. They sneak out the window and as they climb down they have to swing to the side with one hand so as not to be seen by the homeowner who has just appeared at the window. As they finally head across the lawn which now seems to expand - the door suddenly opens and the main character either has to run for it or duck into the bushes. When it is all finally over you can breathe easy.
I hated those parts; sometimes I would even skip them. The adrenaline rush from just reading it scared me. I always vowed that when I wrote my book it was going to be easy. They would go in knowing that they had the time, find what they were looking for and walk out without anyone ever knowing. Simple right? Yes, actually. And also very, very boring. Guess what my life was like at that point in time. I was lonely, miserable, sad, and depressed.
Change is a good thing. We might not like it all the time but we must learn to embrace it and not fear it. It is in change that we experience growth, opportunity, acceptance, and many other things that I don’t have time or space to mention. Change is what makes life fulfilling and wonderful. Do not fear change, fear a life without it.
The next fear I’m going to go over is fear of repetition. This is the fear that what happened to you before is going to happen to you again. You do everything in your power to keep that from happening. I’ll have to be honest here. A broken heart is the largest percentage of this category. I know that in our culture today they are part of every movie, book, and entertainment source. In the Christian community we are told that God had something planned for us; that we must wait and the love of our life will come.
This is true; I’m not going to deny it. But love is part choice and sometimes we do choose to love someone that, in the end, doesn’t love us back. When this happens we turn ourselves off to trust. We trust no one because we are afraid that we are going to be hurt again.
It causes a very lonely life, that’s for sure. I should know it happened to me. Actually when I first met him I didn’t trust much of anyone. Kids had teased me when I was young. I had closed up out of fear of being hurt again. I thought that if people knew me they wouldn’t like me and in turn hurt me again. But, in time this boy showed me that the people around me loved me and that I could trust them. And then what happened? I fell in love with him. He did not return the feelings, and I in turn reverted back to not trusting anyone.
For two years I only went out when I had to. I went to work, I went to the store, I watched TV the rest of the time and slept several extra hours a day. I was hurt. I felt as if the inside of my heart had been scooped out and was now hollow. I was so empty. I almost stopped feeling completely.
In the end it was God that came to my rescue. I had even stopped going to church and talking with friends. In the end it was one of my co-workers that drew me out of my shell. She started getting me to go out. I remembered what it was like to sit around and laugh again. I missed being outside. I missed living and believing in more than what I could see. I missed having hope. Fear of being hurt again was pointless; it just swapped out one hurt for another.
As you can see from this story, the fear was not just from a broken heart. I had been hurt before due to other situations. Many things can rip a hole in your heart. But, it is your fear of being hurt again that keeps the wound from healing. What heals this wound is the things I will talk about in part III of this book. There is no little step prior to prepare you for the healing process. The only thing you can do to help give you some hope, to help prepare you for the healing process is to give it over to God, take a deep breath and go for it. “Oh Lord my God, I cried out to You, And You healed me.” Psalm 30:2 (NKJV).
The last fear I’m going to talk about is fear of the future. That life is not going to be what you want it to be. This one might make sense only to those who have experienced it. If you have you know what I’m talking about. And if you will take a moment and be honest with yourself, you will know that it is born out of selfishness.
We have had our life all planned out. We talk to God and think we are heading in the right direction and then suddenly…BAMB, everything changes. The hard part is we liked the path we were on. We thought it was great, we don’t understand how anything could be better. And now that things have changed, we think to ourselves “why bother, the future isn’t going to be what I want anyway.”
We tell ourselves we are indifferent to the situation. Sometimes we cry and scream and get depressed. It has cause damage to our heart - but only because we let it. We have to stand up and shield our heart when this happens. (I’ll talk about it later in this book.)
But, what happens when we are hit by this unexpectedly, when we haven’t been prepared to battle this fear? We are wounded - bad. We hurt and then sigh and just sort of walk through life. Sometimes we don’t understand why we get angry or irritated so much. We often withdraw and stop hanging out with people. We find new jobs that might pay less but deals with fewer people. If we work from our home and venture out for food and church, if we even do that. It can even lead to a fear of change - because we fear the future.
Life becomes empty and pointless. We just kind of stop feeling. People stop seeking us out. There is little to draw us out into the world.