THE WAY OF
FORGIVENESS
***
Letting Go, Easing Stress,
And Building Strength
***
by
D. Patrick Miller
Published by D. Patrick Miller at Smashwords
© 2010 by D. Patrick Miller
Smashwords Edition
All Rights Reserved
Smashwords Edition, License Notice
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ALSO BY
D. PATRICK MILLER:
Understanding
A Course in Miracles:
The
History, Message, and Legacy of
A Spiritual Path for Today
Instructions
of the Spirit:
poems
& intimations
Love
After Life
a
novel
My
Journey Through the Plant World:
a
novel of sexual initiation
T A B L E O F
C O N T E N T S
Foreword
by Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.
Introduction
Seven Steps of Forgiving
Forgiving Others
Forgiving Yourself
Where Forgiveness Leads
The Seven Steps Expanded
“The light of
the world
brings peace to every mind
through my forgiveness.”
***
Workbook Lesson 63,
A
Course in Miracles
When first published as A Little Book of Forgiveness in 1994, this was a book whose ideas and message were ahead of its time. At that time there were only one or two published scientific studies demonstrating the power of forgiveness to make a difference in the lives of people who forgave. In 1994 my own thinking about forgiveness was mostly latent; I was unsure of just how important forgiveness was to the well-being of body and mind. I would not attempt my first research project until the end of 1996, and even then my thinking was rudimentary and lacking in power.
I have directed the Stanford Forgiveness Projects for the past 13 years. These are a series of research endeavors that helped substantiate the power of forgiveness to reduce hurt, depression, anger and stress in people who hold grudges. In addition, the Forgiveness Projects have shown that forgiveness can reduce the physical manifestations of stress, reduce blood pressure in angry hypertensives, improve physical vitality and even improve one’s compassion and optimism. The Projects have also shown that forgiveness is for everyone; we conducted research on hurt college students, angry and disappointed middle-aged adults, stressed-out business people, and people who have had family members murdered by political violence.
In addition to this research I have taught forgiveness to tens of thousands of hurt and angry people. What I find fascinating is that the things I taught, researched, and proved to be true, D. Patrick Miller already knew. I am writing this foreword because of the remarkable degree of concordance this book has with the results of my research. The huge number of people I have worked with clinically demonstrate to me that the simple truths espoused in Mr. Miller’s work are just that: simple truths.
One example of many is Mr. Miller’s understanding of the power of gratitude. He writes this straightforward suggestion to establish the importance of this relationship: “To accelerate forgiveness, practice gratefulness.” Then he goes on to describe the power of gratitude in his own life and how that has improved his ability to forgive. In our forgiveness methodology and my self-help book Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, gratitude is a central concept. My experience has shown that the ability to feel gratitude is directly related to people’s ability to forgive; grateful people seem to have an easier time letting go of their harsh judgments of people and events.
What I like about this book is that I can pick it up at any page and get an insight that is helpful in both understanding and moving towards forgiveness. It does not matter where I begin or for what I am looking; each pages resonates with some truth about the subject and is written in a gentle and inviting manner. It is clear that this book has emerged from personal experience and a depth of practice. Reading The Way of Forgiveness will offer the reader a safe and guided passage into a practice that is essential for mental and physical well-being. As Mr. Miller highlights so movingly, the more of us who practice forgiveness, the more people who are available to heal both our world and ourselves.
Frederick
Luskin, Ph.D.
Author,
Forgive for Good and
Forgive for Love
Director,
Stanford Forgiveness Projects
Is there anything going on in your life that just wears you out? A thankless job, a chronic illness, a troubled relationship? Have you gone over and over this situation or circumstance without finding a solution or a way out?
When a problem resists solving, it’s often because we have unknowingly limited the range of possible solutions. That happens because we have looked at the problem in the same way for a long time.
Forgiveness begins with the willingness to look at any difficult circumstance of your life in a new way. Forgiveness is not about letting anyone off the hook for a mistake, insult, or crime. Nor is it about trying to forget something that bothers you. In fact, forgiveness may first require that you look more deeply at whatever is bothering you, because looking more deeply at something in particular will be the first step into seeing everything differently. And seeing everything differently is the way of forgiveness.
When this volume was first published as A Little Book of Forgiveness in 1994, there was indeed something “little” in the way that I approached my subject matter. While learning and practicing forgiveness had made a profound difference in my life, I was still a little worried about pushing the idea too hard -- as if it might be impolite to suggest too strongly that other people could benefit from giving up a grudge or changing a vengeful outlook. Less than a decade into my own spiritual discipline at the time, I was somewhat tentative about promoting all the advantages of it.
Fifteen years later, I decided to revise the book in light of the greater understanding of forgiveness that I’ve developed since. Far from being a little undertaking, forgiveness is a disciplined and increasingly joyful approach to seeing and being that amounts to a new way of life. Nowadays I have a much better idea of what that means than I used to. The way of forgiving certainly doesn’t mean becoming weak or passive, or using forgiveness to avoid conflicts. It does mean increasing one’s capacity to deal with challenging relationships and daunting circumstances, because less energy is wasted on pointless resentments and rehashing ancient injuries. Gradually, a habitually cynical state of mind can give way to a happier and more spontaneous response to the world.
Still, adopting forgiveness as a way of life does not mean becoming a saint who sees only the best in everyone. In fact, it may actually sharpen your perceptions of people’s flaws and failings, including your own. But when you see these problems with compassion rather than judgment, your own strength is immeasurably increased. Over time, what once seemed like shortcomings in another, or yourself, may be seen merely as differences that need have little or no negative impact on you.
This is the “magic” of forgiveness: the gradual lifting of sad and weighty judgments that may have once seemed inevitable or absolutely necessary, without actually having served any useful purpose at all. As you learn to let go of unproductive judgments, your stress level will decrease, freeing up more positive energy for creativity, relationships, and the general enjoyment of life. Forgiveness is not the end of all stress and struggle, but it is an effective antidote to alienation and despair.
The first part of this book presents a specific prescription of how to go about any particular act of forgiving. The Seven Steps of Forgiveness given are not the only way, but they provide a practical method that has proved reliable in my experience. In three somewhat arbitrary divisions, the rest of the book indicates how it may feel to adopt forgiving as a way of life. Feel free to read pages at random; ideas that are linked are marked with lower-case Roman numerals: i, ii, iii. At the end of this volume, I’ve expanded on the Seven Steps with more specific instructions that can be used on your own or in group study.
I hope readers can use the ideas in this book the way I use them, as seeds for inspiration that lead to both personal and social change. I’m presenting what I’ve learned about forgiveness so far and forecasting where it may lead, but the particular messages I’m passing on are less important than the messages that readers receive while trying out this book. In a sense, I’m attempting to help others become attuned to the frequency of forgiveness: a clear tone of sane inner guidance in a world filled with the harsh static of fear, confusion, and vengeance.
At different times in my life I’ve tried to change the way that others thought and behaved, through journalism, creative expression, and argument. But only forgiveness has substantially changed me for the better — by making me less angry and self-absorbed, and thus better able to relate to people fairly and compassionately. I hope that the changes that have come through me also come through clearly in this book. If even a few readers are inspired to release some old and unforgiven pain in their lives, I will be a satisfied and ever more inspired activist.
1
Select a bitter sorrow, a serious grievance against someone, or a punishing charge against yourself, and review it in complete detail.
2
Hold in your mind the image of whatever is to be forgiven – yourself, another person, a past event – and say, “I release you from the grip of my sadness, disapproval, or condemnation.” Concentrate quietly on this intention.
3
Imagine for a while what your life will be like without the sorrow or grievance that has been haunting you.
4
Make amends with someone you’ve hurt or someone who has hurt you; tell a friend about your self-forgiveness; or otherwise bring your inner work to your relationships.
5
Ask for God’s help to overcome fear or resistance at any step. If you do not believe in God, ask for help from nature, humanity, and the mysteries of your own mind. These are the channels through which aid is sent — and aid is always sent.
6
Have patience. Forgiveness induces healing which follows its own order and timing. Whether you think you have accomplished anything thus far is less important than the fact that you have attempted a radical act that will call forth change likely to exceed your expectations. Go about your daily business, but stay alert to unexpected shifts in your thinking, feelings, and relationships.
7
Repeat steps 1 through 6 as often as necessary, for life.
It might seem a lot easier to forgive someone if only he or she would show signs of changing. The paradox is that we are unlikely to see signs of change in others until we have forgiven them. This is true for two reasons. First, resentment is blinding. It limits our perception of what is real now – and what may be changing right in front of us – and shuts down our capacity to envision a happier future.
Second, a subtle but crucial function of forgiveness is that it tacitly gives others “permission” to change. We are not nearly so separate from each other as we generally experience ourselves to be. We think that we grow and change only within ourselves, but we also grow and change partly within others, and they within us. Some people may find very little space within themselves to change, and need others to let them into a psychic territory of forgiveness, where they can feel free to try a new way of living.
Soon after I had begun forgiving my parents for all the wrongs I thought they had done to me— without saying anything to them about it—it seemed that they suddenly became more open and frank about their personal history, everything that had influenced them to become who they were. At certain moments the extent of their revelations was stunning, and I wasn’t sure of exactly what was happening. Had I heard these things before without paying attention, because of my resentments at the time? Or did my parents feel permitted to tell me more about themselves because I was showing them signs of greater acceptance than I ever had before?
Now I believe that both kinds of change were occurring, and this evolution continued. I’m no longer concerned about which change was theirs, and which was mine. We all change together if we change at all. This overlapping of each other is easiest to experience in a couple, family, or other close relationship, but I think it’s true of the family of humanity as well.
That’s what makes forgiveness so powerful. Anyone can initiate the changes we all need by opening up new territories within his or her mind—our one mind, really— where others can find the room to take a deep breath, start telling the truth, and shake off the cloak of guilt they have so long mistaken for their own skin.
Begin not with the idea that you are doing a favor to someone who hurt you, but that you are being merciful to yourself. To carry anger against anyone is to poison your own heart, administering more toxin every time you replay in your mind the injury done to you. If you decline to repeat someone’s offense inwardly, your outward anger will dissipate. Then it becomes much easier to tell the one who hurt you how things must change between you.
“Forgive
and forget” is a popular distortion of the work of surrendering
grievances. The real process is “Remember fully and forgive.” If
it were actually possible to forget everything you forgave, you could
teach very little to others seeking freedom from their resentments.
* * *
It’s true that we eventually forget some things we’ve truly forgiven. But that kind of forgetting takes care of itself; it’s not something you can tell yourself or anyone else to do. Trying to forget is just a form of denial — and whatever is denied is not forgiven. Remembering fully helps us take note of what we do not want to see repeated, so that forgiveness doesn’t inadvertently give anyone permission to commit the same mistakes again.
When you are trying to decide whether someone deserves your forgiveness, you are asking the wrong question. Ask instead whether you deserve to become someone who consistently forgives.
Examine carefully the temptation to catalog, classify, and frequently update the file of “Wrongs Done to Me.” The only case you will build is one against yourself, as you increasingly believe in secret that you deserve what you’re getting, even as you complain about injustice.
Living
in forgiveness means yielding your grip on misery. Many people feel
that it is this grip that makes them authentic and serious; such is
the melodrama of the adolescent soul. The mature soul empathizes with
misery only to connect with those in suffering, and lead them to
forgiveness.
* * *
When I was young I spent a lot of time with friends commiserating about the state of the world, the problems with people we knew, and everything else that added up to the general difficulty of being human. Forgiveness taught me to notice when I was drifting into pessimistic bull sessions, and to seek a more useful direction for conversation. I don’t want to be insufferably optimistic, doing a hard sell of happiness while losing my connection with anyone who may still subscribe to suffering. I have to keep one foot planted there, at the ground level of another’s discontent. But with the other foot I try to step up or out in a new direction. I guess I might be a better exemplar of hope if I were more confident of where I’m going. But it might also be that people are moved more by another’s tentative willingness to see things differently than they would be by a dramatic declaration of a better way. Perhaps watching someone learn to change makes a more lasting impression than having someone try to save you.
Forgiveness may be stern or soft, reassuring or discomforting, eloquent or clumsy. The first expression may be incomplete and need restatement or elaboration to be understood by others, and made clear and strong in one’s own heart. Perfection is not a pre-requisite for attempting to forgive.
“Sweet revenge” is junk food for the soul. The brief rush that revenge provides will always be followed by the degradation of one’s character. There is a real joy to be found in setting things right, but that always involves changing oneself for the better first.
To find your missing creativity, release a little of your attachment to the worst injury ever done to you. Grieve the deadness that you are letting go of, and that you have so long regarded as a trophy wound. Then celebrate the opening of a door through which your childlike nature can come back to you, laughing, asking the simplest questions, clearing your vision.
* * *
In a time when the recollection and classifying of abuses has become a virtual industry, we have to be careful about proclaiming the specialness of our wounds. The end point of remembering exactly how we have been damaged is to realize that we all share the deep common wound of humanity: being born into vulnerable bodies in a mysterious and dangerous world. Our particular wounds have a lot to do with who we are, and that history is important to understand. But learning to forgive all our wounds, regardless of their severity, is what will speed us toward our potential. An unimagined creativity blossoms in every space within the heart from which pain has been released.
Forgiveness is the first breeze of early spring, carrying an unexpected warmth.
Don’t be alarmed when resentment returns after you think you have thoroughly released someone from blame. Our attachment to fear runs deep, and the thought of holding no grudges whatsoever loosens fear’s grip. Then it whispers in our ear that forgiveness might steal away our old familiar world of isolation and suspicion. Whenever you find a good reason to reinforce an old grievance, ask yourself what fear has actually done for you lately.
In the forgiving relationship, the struggle over power is replaced by the mutual impetus to serve. Jealousy dissolves into playfulness, suspicion into helpfulness, and possession into shared freedom.
Forgiveness will not save every relationship, but it will allow an inner healing to proceed even when a rift is inevitable. We are always relating to the whole of humanity, and to Creation itself, through the specific channels of our relationships. To forgive is to remember that we cannot separate ourselves from the whole.
Relationships that seem to fail represent the re-education of your expectations. Forgiving others for hurting or disappointing you begins with understanding how you have chosen your teachers.
The
most efficient expression of forgiveness answers attack just as it
happens, neither by condoning nor opposing it, but by staunchly
offering correction of its senselessness.
* * *
The martial art of aikido teaches that an attacker is always off-balance, and that the goal of defending oneself is really to return the attacker to a peaceful state — laid out on the floor, if necessary. If we can learn to see all attackers as aspects of our selfsame humanity that are not yet in balance with the whole, then we can instinctively respond to attacks with acts of compassion that are as firm as they need to be, without violating others or ourselves.