Gross Movie Reviews: Volume 5
Tim Gross
Published by arrangement with the author.
Gross Movie Reviews –
Volume 5
by Tim Gross
Copyright 2010. All Rights Reserved
Smashwords edition
Cover art and design by Ed Quillin
Interior formatting by Kody Boye
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means (electronically, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the proper written permission of both the copyright owner and “Library of Horror Press,” except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
Reviews are © 2010 Tim Gross. They may not be reproduced or transcribed for use elsewhere without the written consent of the author. The photos within are used solely for the purpose of review. The rights for each belong to their respective copyright holders and usage here does not challenge those copyrights.
Tim Gross, where do I begin? That is the question I kept asking myself as I sat down to write about Tim and the latest volume of Gross Movie Reviews. So much has been written about Tim in past volumes that I was stuck. Everyone knows Tim Gross loves horror, that he will watch any movie and has watched more horror films than most people. What more can be said about wood chippers and massacres? If you have read the past volumes you know that his reviews are short and to the point and share an honest opinion. So what can be said that hasn’t already been written?
One word kept popping into my head as I reflected on Tim and his work. ADVOCATE. Despite the visual and audio wonders of film, Horror doesn’t have its own voice; horror depends on its fans to speak on its behalf. With the growth of the internet we have seen the growth of horror fans that seem to have very little good to say about horror films and horror in general. It seems that it’s easier to find fault in the genre than to embrace what is so wonderful about horror. That is why Tim Gross and everyone like him are so important. They give a voice to something that you love. Does this mean that Tim likes every film he views? No. But if you read his reviews closely or talk to Tim you will realize that he doesn’t have to like a film to respect a film and everyone involved with that film.
The reviews that you are about to read are just a sampling of the voice Tim Gross gives to horror. His passion goes beyond viewing films and sharing his opinion about those films. Tim invests time and energy into spreading the word about anything that has to do with horror. He puts his heart and soul into his own projects and other people’s projects. Why? Because he will do anything he can for horror and its growth. He asks for nothing in return.
I urge you to not only use this Gross Movie Reviews as a resource for movie viewing. But use it as your inspiration to speak for horror and spread the good word.
-Rich Dalzotto-
When I first met Tim Gross, I'll be honest, I wanted to kill him. Those who know Tim can imagine why. But, once I got to know him, we became really good friends. Not only is he a fellow horror movie fan, but he'll watch them all. The good, bad and everything inbetween. This dedication and love for the genre leaves him with an immense mental database of films. Which gives you the perfect person to review horror movies.
-Michelle Linhart-
Hello again horror movie fan or just a random fan of review books. Anyone who has purchased one of my books in the past know what they are getting into and for those who pick this book up on a whim? Be prepared… get the beer… get ready to laugh, cry, possibly take it to the bathroom with you, and possibly get ready to buy some movies after reading!
Seriously, welcome to my latest creation ‘GMR Volume Five’ which is a collection of all my reviews from the past year or so for Bastards of Horror and a few other websites that I haven’t been banned from yet? Plus a bonus article about the “Leprechaun” series that I wrote for a young filmmaker’s (Patrick Farmer) website in March 2009, and for the first time a new and complete different cover for the book. Of course there is several reviews that are included in the book that have not appeared anywhere else for many reasons plus some you might have seen recently on the BOH website, but they are all here in donkey ball sucking glory!
A lot has happened since the last release or should say releases in my ongoing ‘Gross Movie Reviews’ collection but that has done nothing but made me even more focused on watching and reviewing horror and independent horror films from all over the globe. Yeah that’s right ‘GMR’ is global, which of course is a sure sign life is going to end soon. And Carnosaur or Project: Metalbeast or the Romero zombies will be the only things left to read my books! Of course they will tell me they are “great for bathroom reading” but the books will still be around. (Beer break…)
As you can tell I’m not your typical writer, reviewer, journalist, etc., whatever you want to actually consider me. I’m not a Sean Clark or Michael Gingold (which are great writers in my opinion by the way), I’m a different type of person or writer or reviewer… I’m me! What can I say, I love my beer, I love my horror films, and of course I love seeing me some naked women from time to time. My personality is not what you would call a ‘typical horror’ fan but as usual I will tell you what I think at all times about a horror film. I try to entertain you, make you laugh, and hell make you want to watch a horrible suck ass horror film at times. I do not hide behind the computer, message boards, or even Facebook; I talk to the filmmakers face to face. I might not even have the fame of the Dead Pit boys at www.deadpit.com but I think my books and I are finally finding their niche in the horror movie industry. What exactly that is, I am unsure? (Beer break…)
But dear reader, new possible friend, filmmaker, possible insane stalker, I dear ask you where else are you going to get a review book from a writer who is unapologetic, drinks lots of Yuengling and Crown Royal, has been snubbed for years by the major horror magazines, has movie distributors scared to send screeners to him because he tells the truth about their films in his reviews, talks way too much about Steven Seagal, Lance Henriksen, Rutger Hauer, Jon McBride, Nailgun Massacre and Woodchipper Massacre, Leprechaun, Full Moon, movies sucking donkey balls, banned from a local movie theater, willing to almost start a fight with genre star David Naughton at a horror movie convention on principal alone, and help support independent horror films in every capacity that is humanly possible?
A
nswer:
No where, except here. That is what makes me and my books different,
maybe not original in some eyes… But that is another rant for
another time. I might be a little insane, a little stupid, a little
drunk… and possibly need to use better English? But my different
style of reviewing horror films will give you a whole new outlook on
the horror genre or just make you poop your pants laughing… most
likely laugh while throwing poop at me? Bless you Shit Gloves!
As always, remember folks support your local independent movie theater (unless you are banned for some stupid reason), independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive.........
As always I like to thank my kids, Chuck Fleming, Shit Gloves, my brothers (Ed, Runk, Rick and Rich of the Dead), Ed Q. for the cover and Title Page, Jim Roberts for the picture on back of the book, Sandy and Michelle of Horror Realm Con in Pittsburgh, Dead Pit, Ken and Pam at Cinema Wasteland, Happy Cloud Pictures, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3: Leatherface (ask and I’ll show you), Joe Bob Briggs, Steven and Joey Goedert, Joe and www.fastcustomshirts.com , and to all of the independent filmmakers who have sent me their films for review no matter where you are from in the world. And don’t forget to visit www.bastardsofhorror.com to catch up on horror related going ons and to see what kinda of trouble we have gotten into now…
555 (DVD) – Soon to be released this VHS shot underground classic onto DVD by Massacre Video is a film that starts off as your usual late 80s slasher flick with a couple getting naked and murdered in the first five minutes. An ex-service man sees the bodies and reports it to local police and soon becomes the main suspect as each night another couple gets slaughtered. The police are completely stumped until they catch a break after receiving some information from the FBI. It’s a little sleazy, brutal, blood drenched VHS shot slasher that has a weird charm about it that makes you want to revisit the film often. I give it 3 stars and can be soon ordered at www.massacrevideo.com .
5ive Girls (DVD) – Ron Perlman stars as a priest who is apart of a reopening of a church/school for girls with criminal pasts. The reopening comes five years after a perfect student of Ron’s is possessed by the devil and explodes in his classroom. It’s like the “The Craft” for the new generation just with slightly hotter women? I give it 3 stars.
The Abandoned (DVD) – A Russian film, about a woman who is haunted by her past 40 years ago and not knowing who her mother was and where she came from. She has been searching and searching for years until she catches a break and returns to the home her family supposedly lived at. The house is haunted by the ghosts of herself and her family from years ago and she tries to figure out how it got like this. Not the greatest of ghost stories but it is well worth watching to see this dude get eaten by a wild pig! Very cool scene! I give the movie 2 stars.
Against the Dark (DVD) – No shit Seagal fans! Seagal takes on fucking MUTANT CANNIBALS! In the not so distant future a plague hits different parts of the world and the government is having trouble containing it. The plague is turning people when bitten of course, into possessed beings that only plan, seek, and eat flesh! With the containment not going well the government hires small groups of ex-military persons known as ‘Swordsmen’ who go into these troubled areas and look for survivors and clear the areas of any infected people. Wall to wall gore, Seagal kills an infected kid with a sword to the head, it also stars David Keith, and it is possibly the best Seagal film I have seen since Seagal’s classic “Under Siege”! What else could you want out of a Seagal horror film? I would love to not only see a sequel to this film but hope for another film like this that stars Steven Seagal, Rutger Hauer, and Lance Henriksen, now that would be fucking AWESOME! The film is shot on DV like most recent Seagal films and doesn’t have a huge budget but don’t let this film get lost in the shuffle of all the horror films. I give one of the best movies of 2009 4 stars.
Albino Farm (DVD) – Four college students take a weekend to travel rural America to take notes for their history class. The students getting bored drive into a small town for food and decide they are going to walk around for a half hour to see if they can get information about the small town until they learn about something evil in the town called the ‘Albino Farm’. Two of the students pay 20 bucks and get topless for a few seconds for WWE’s Chris Jericho’s boys and the boys drive the two students to the entrance of the mysterious ‘Albino Farm’. Once on the land the students experience horror like no other and their friends soon join them with no escape as it seems everybody that lives there has some sort of disfigurement or born with a handicap and kill and feast on normal looking and nosey people! The movie can be disturbing and fun at times making this independent horror film well worth the rental fee as I give it 2 ½ stars. Go to www.mtivideo.com for more details on the film.
Alien Agent (DVD) – Don Wilson stars as an alien form another planet who is trying to stop his own kind from taking over Earth. Think of the TV series “First Wave” on a much lower budget and less inventive script! I give it 1 star.
Alien Nation (DVD) – An underrated sci-fi flick from 1989 that predates “District 9” by 20 years. The film stars James Caan as a hard nosed cop whose partner was killed by a ‘newcomer’ during a robbery. A ‘newcomer’ is an alien that landed on earth in 1988 and the US took them in, gave them names, jobs, etc. It is now 1991 and James Caan has decided if he is going to find out who killed his partner he is going to make a ‘newcomer’ his partner whose name happens to be ‘San Francisco’ so he calls him George after laughing at him. Both cops looking for one man ended up finding a drug ring lead by a high profile ‘newcomer’ who hopes to make all the aliens slaves to his drug again. A great sci-fi flick that even sparked a TV series spin-off and a couple TV films. This flick is very much underrated and must see for sci-fi and horror fans alike as I give it 3 ½ stars.
Alien 3000 (DVD) – A pretty low budget flick that stars Lorenzo Lamas and Priscilla Barnes as Special Government agents trying to capture a space creature out in the desert that happens to be killing people who try to take the gold that resides in its cave. Meanwhile, they use a woman to help them find the cave that has survived an attack from the alien and feels it is her destiny to kill the alien. Two things hurt this low budget flick: pacing of the film and the CGI of the alien. I give it 2 stars and can be found at www.sterlingmoviefactory.com .
Alone in the Dark II (DVD) – No Christian Slater, no hot piece of ass Tara Reid, but we do have Uwe Boll back as a producer trying to squeeze out more money out of the turd the first film was. Why would you want to watch the sequel to a very horrible turd? Don’t know, but anyhow… Well, a woman and her father are trying to put a ghost witch back where she belongs before she kills her whole family. Not exactly exciting but what makes the film interesting and at least worth taking a peek at it is that the film stars Bill Moseley as the father of the woman that the ghost witch is looking for, Michael Pare making a brief appearance as a commando who stole a cursed knife, Lance Henriksen as a retired cult member (sort of) with P.J. Soles playing his wife, and Danny Trejo hangs around enough to get a few lines just for the mere reason of namesake. Its better than the first (sort of), but the problem is no matter how much you shine up a turd, its still going to be a turd unless Tara Reid would have been topless banging somebody again!? I give it 1 star.
The Alphabet Killer (DVD) – The sexy Eliza Dushku stars in this movie loosely based on a true story about a cop trying to track down a small town serial killer. Her character is trying to track down a serial killer who rapes and kills a little girl then drops of her off in the open for the police to find her. Struggling for clues she has a breakdown and tries to commit suicide. Suddenly a few months after her release from the hospital the killing starts again and the victims seem to be connected by having the same initial for their first name and last name and being dropped in the town with the same initial. She is being haunted by ghosts of the victims as they try to point her in the right direction and she struggles not to go completely crazy before she solves the mystery. The film also stars Michael Ironside, Bill Moseley, and Cary Elwes among other genre stars. A very interesting serial killer film I give 2 ½ stars.
American Psycho 2: All American Girl (DVD) – It is a sequel and you know I was going to watch it eventually but as I feared it was another film Hollywood tried to cash in on as usual. It does have two great actors in William Shatner and Mila Kunis but the film fails to meet what the original is about. Anyway Mila plays a young woman who is trying to get places by killing her way to the top. She studies serial killers including the man from the first flick. But it becomes apparent why this film went direct-to-DVD a few years ago. I give it 2 stars, and yes Mila is smoking hot in this flick also!
Anacondas: Trail of Blood aka Anacondas 4 (DVD/Sci-Fi Channel) – No J-Lo, no Ice Cube, no Hoff, but all the CGI snake action you could want in another horrible entry into this continuing series that seems like it will never end! I give it 1 star.
Antibodies (DVD) – A German serial killer film that has English subtitles and is a very excellent thriller that just sucks you into the story that you think you have seen before and know whats going on but you don’t. The film is a combo of “Seven”, “Kiss the Girls”, “Silence of the Lambs”, and possible one or two others I might have forgotten. The film opens with an older woman on the bottom floor of an apartment building complaining about noise or screaming coming from the top floor apartment. Two officers investigate and they just happen to knock on the wrong door as this door belongs to a man who is painting on his apartment walls with his victim’s blood and he is buck naked! One officer gets shot through the door and killed and back up is called in. The naked man happens to be a serial killer of 13 male victims. All 13 were male and 12 years old also. And he jumps through the doorway with a victim’s body to distract the officers and try to make his way to the street to run. But along the way he jumps through a window and lands on the asphalt only to paralyze himself from the waist down and almost gets away trying to crawl away. This all takes place in the first ten minutes of the film with the next two intense hours of the serial killer refusing to talk to anybody except this small town constable where a death of a 12 year old girl has gone unsolved and cold in his small town and he believes the serial killer did it but just cannot prove it. It has your usual interesting twists and turns but an ending that you thought you seen coming but didn’t as it is set up in a very clever way. I give this outside the US killer thriller 4 stars. Be warned there is some male full frontal nudity!
Antibody (VHS) – The man, the myth, the legend Lance Henriksen stars with Robin Givens where they go ‘Innerspace’ in a lab in order to defuse a detonator for a nuclear bomb inside a Russian terrorist. Warning: this should only be seen by hardcore Lance Henriksen fans otherwise don’t blame me how horrible this viewing experience will be for you? I give it ½ star.
April Fool’s Day (DVD/remake) – If you are into rich people pulling pranks on themselves until they eventually kill one member of their clan then you’ll enjoy this dumb ass, retarded so called film that only used the title of the 80s classic to make money even though the studio showed no faith in the film by sending it straight-to-DVD-hell! But you know they are trying to revise it and not trying to remake it? You know how it is because Hollywood and most of the directors refuse to have any kind of original thought along with the major studios. The movie sucks turds out of a dog’s ass! I felt like my I.Q. dropped for just trying to watch this horrible so-called film which by the way is an insult to the original. But that’s right Hollywood you are just trying to give today’s generation great horror films like this huge shitbomb that had no business being made. Not even the strangely hot Scout Taylor-Compton could save this flick. Just like most horror remakes (except The Thing and The Fly) this DVD needs to be thrown to the floor in the video store and set fire too until there is only ash left then burn it again! This film is a train wreck, not any kind of train wreck but the kind that has you watching in pure disgust like watching a fat woman getting her belly button pierced or a fat guy getting his nipples pierced because they think they are hot. Then of course afterward you are left with that feeling in your stomach like puke is going to come out of your ass! It deserves no stars, not even negative stars it just sucks ass that bad, I rather pierce my nutsack with a Spork than be forced to watch this film again!
Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Colon Movie Film For Theaters (DVD) – It’s the full length feature starring Frylock, Shake, and Meatwad as they must save the world from an alien exercise machine from the future that has captured their neighbor Carl and having babies all around the city. If you never seen the “Adult Swim” animated show I’m not even going to begin to explain this crazy ass cartoon as it makes the H.R. Puff –n- Stuff shit seem tame! It would make your head explode most likely. I give this legendary animated film 4 stars, and oh shit, you do find out where Frylock came from!
Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Season Four (DVD) – Bust out the pot and booze as the misadventures of Frylock, Shake, Meatwad, and their neighbor Karl continues… The whole season is based around the two space invader aliens that give the finger to people and the other two aliens who dropped out of college to just hang out in space. This season features the likes of a ‘death Atari’ game, Carl losing his skin to an internet portal, Carl calling his classmates from high school twenty years ago so he can jerk off, and Shake trying to keep Meatwad in the microwave to reach the world record. Bizarre, funny shit, especially drunk or high or hell, both. I give it 3 stars.
Aspiring Psychopath (DVD) – A very talky dramatic thriller about a beautiful twenty something woman who wants to become a serial killer as she studies her victims and another serial killer she captures. I’m not surprised to see more films like this with the popularity of the Showtime series “Dexter”. This very low budget flick has its share of blood and a very interesting storyline but the lead character constantly explaining everything is a little annoying but seems necessary to move the film along to its very climatic ending. Not the best of the independent horror in 2009 has to offer but definitely something different and something that’s hard to pull off with a very low budget as I give it 2 ½ stars and can be found at www.srscinema.com .
Attack Girls’ Swim Team Vs. The Undead (DVD) – An Asian horror film from the filmmaker Koji Kawano. I have no clue who in the fuck that is but this horror film is one cool fucked-up horror film. The nursing staff is giving shots to all the teenagers and they all seem to be turning into weird undead things that want to kill. This affects the whole school except the swim team for some strange reason and it’s up to the girls swim team to save the day. This movie has all the girl on girl action, blood and gore, naked women, crazy kung fu fighting/ruler juggling undead teacher who rapes his student and a girl’s taco shooting lasers you could fit inside a low budget Asian horror film. The craziest horror film I have seen since “Dead Alive”! I give this crazed horror film 3 ½ stars.
Autopsy (DVD) – An excellent entry in the 2009 After Dark Horrorfest that is a fun thrill ride of what happens if you drink and drive in a deserted part of Louisiana. Four friends partying a little too much at Mardi Gras have an accident on a back road of Louisiana, only to be picked up by paramedics shortly after. With broken cell phones and not sure if they are injured and killed a man in a hospital gown they go with the paramedics to be checked out. They arrive at Mercy Hospital, a strange, eerie, and empty hospital to meet their doctor played perfectly by genre veteran Robert Patrick. One by one they go to exam rooms to be checked out only to not return as the evil Robert Patrick character is performing experiments in hopes of curing his dying wife! Not often do you get a creepy and cool horror flick these days that keeps it simple but makes an effective little scary horror flick. This film is enjoyable entry into the After Dark Horrorfest and a must own. Don’t forget to notice the nurse/assistant to Robert Patrick played by none other than Jennette Goldstein! I give this flick 3 stars.
Autumn (DVD) – Once again another film that the box cover looks great but does not nearly live up to whats inside. A zombie plague; if that is what you wanna call it, has hit the entire world all at once. Only a few survivors are left as they fight among themselves to what they should exactly do as the people that have recently died are up and walking again doing NOTHING!!! A few survivors leave the city and find a farmhouse to settle down and do NOTHING!!! The zombies do NOTHING except be attracted to sound… This movie is an ultimate piece of dog shit! The only reason this movie most likely gets distribute is because what budget they did have they paid David Carradine for a day to act like his drug induced coma self that makes no sense! This flick is pure garbage and the filmmakers should just quit now and keep their job at the ‘Quik-Mart’! Since they did NOTHING it gets NOTHING, nada, no stars.
AVH: Alien vs. Hunter (DVD) – Asylum Studios decided there wasn’t enough shitty ass movies out there recently and released this garbage that stars a very old looking William Katt aka ‘The Greatest American Hero’. You see the box… burn it! I give it 0 stars.
Babes in the Woods (DVD) - A lost film from the early 60s about three young women who take a retreat out in the woods of Middle America, get naked, and help an older woman who owns an Inn find herself after her husband’s death and left to run the Inn. That maybe a little too much reading into the story but the highlight of the film is the narrator who interjects his opinion frequently and sounds like the guy who narrated all of our grade school films back in the day. This film plays like a drive-in classic need to be watched at least once by anybody that remembers those grade school movies. I give it 3 stars.
Bad Friend (DVD) – A pretty good horror flick about a college-aged guy who buys a zombie from an infomercial on TV to be his friend. Since he strikes out with keeping friends or girlfriends this was the alternative. Zach and Jack are friends to the end until Zach the zombie begins eating everyone and Jack is running out of enemies for him to eat. It’s a great story that is surprisingly well filmed with no money. The film looks unbelievable and has buckets of blood that flows like water except the blood is most likely water and they never thicken it to look better on screen. The only other bad problem with the feature is its 90 minute running time. A lot of times 90 minutes is perfect but in this case it was 15 minutes too long as there is a lot of filler scenes especially in the last 40 minutes of the film that could have been trimmed away to make it a better film. But again this is a must own horror flick for movie fans as this passionate filmmaker did a great job with nothing to give you something. I give the DVD 3 stars. The film was produced by Rottweiler Productions but sadly they do not have a website but possibly can be found at www.bloodlinevideo.com .
Banshee (DVD) – A so-so horror flick about the myth or legend of a creature that lives in the woods and looks to kill male victims. 30 years ago the banshee was picked up on the side of the road by some hippies and the banshee kills them but is caught in a car crash only to be unearthed in present time to begin killing again. I give it 1 ½ stars.
Bark at the Moon: Scars (DVD) – From the mind of no budget filmmaker Matt Brassfield comes a tale of two friends Jerry and Taylor who must spend a night in the haunted woods to get into their local college frat house. The movie is fucking horrible but interesting because Matt chooses to have a guy in a werewolf mask that resembles the mask for “Project: Metalbeast or the TV series Werewolf” kill all who enter the woods in the daylight half of the time. Who gives a fuck about the real werewolf legend we are going to have him kill in the day and night. But what helps you get through this movie is some of the funny ass dialogue that is used, which has you almost pissing yourself laughing, the mask, the wrestling guy in laser tag gear, and the possibility there could be another sequel. Which I forgot to tell you this is supposedly the second installment in the “Bark of the Moon” series? Now this might not be the best independent film but it is one entertaining horror flick. I give it 2 ½ stars and can be found at www.bloodlinevideo.com .
Battle Beneath the Earth (DVD) – A old sci-fi flick where a madman convinces the Chinese to drill under the US to attack and takeover without the US knowing and unable to counterattack. The movie isn’t the best flick to sit through but worth the laughs when you see a bunch of cave searching scenes replay over and over to make sure they made feature length and make it look like there is miles of tunnels under the US on a no budget. I give it 2 stars.
Beauty and the Beasts: A Dark Tale (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Another updated version of ‘Beauty and the Beast’. Estella Warren, who stars as ‘Belle’ or the beast’s love interest is pretty much a sure sign the movie will suck. Honestly, can you name a good movie with her starring in it? She is the male version of Jerry O’Connell. You see his name on the film you are usually walking away before you witness more stupidity. The movie is just your average SyFy Channel film that doesn’t leave you drooling for more but this doesn’t put you into a coma of horribleness and make you want to commit suicide… I say wait for the sequel as I give it 1 ½ stars.
Be Kind Rewind (DVD) – Jack Black and Danny Glover star in a film about an independent video store that only rents out VHS tapes and is about to be closed by the city. Jack Black’s character gets electrocuted and becomes magnetized and erases all the tapes in the store. So Jack Black and friends decide to make 20 minute movies of all the films that were on their shelves with no money. Their plan begins to work when word gets out they are doing this and the town also gets in on the action to become part of the movies. The movie is fun, entertaining, and sort of sad as its show nothing will stop big business from putting the independent video stores out of business as we know all too well fellow horror movie fans and VHS collectors. I give it 3 stars.
Beowulf (DVD) – The animated Playstation look-a-like feature from two years ago that its biggest highlight of the film is a naked Angelina Jolie! I personally enjoy the Christopher Lambert feature “Beowulf” from the late 90’s more, as I give this film 2 stars.
The Best of Chiller Theater (DVD) – In the 60s, 70s, and early 80s there was a weather man by the name of ‘Chilly’ Billy Cardille who hosted a late night show on Saturday nights that showed lots of B-movies and horror films that influenced lots of horror fans over the years in Pittsburgh, Pa. and several surrounding counties. Along with films he would show such as: Attack of the Mushroom People, Twisted Brain, Creeping Terror, The Brain Must Die, etc. himself and a few of the show’s main characters (Terminal Stare, Georgette the Fudgemaker, Norman, Stefan the Castle Prankster) he had on the show would do skits in between commercial breaks and the films themselves as Chilly Billy usually showed a double feature. The show was awesome, to summarize it would be like the Joe Bob Briggs show on The Movie Channel or Monstervision before it happened! But anyway this DVD has the film Night of the Living Dead with highlights of the Chiller Theater throughout the film like it would be going to commercial including a recent interview with Chilly Billy himself talking about all the good times he had on the show and some of the famous people that visited the Chiller Theater set from time to time. The DVD runs over 3 hours and is lots of fun for anybody that had the pleasure of seeing this show when it originally aired weekly on Saturday nights. The DVD is available through www.wpxi.com and also comes with the script of the very last Chiller Theater show that aired 1/1/84 signed by Chilly Billy. I give this wonderful trip down memory lane 4 stars.
Beverly Hills Vamp (VHS) – A cheap and fun vampire flick from Fred Olen Ray that has a nerd trying to find his friends after a sex-filled night at a vampire whore house in Beverly Hills. A must have video that stars Eddie Deezen, the lovely Michelle Bauer, Tim Conway Jr. and the film taunted you with the tagline “A comedy with bite”!
The Beyond (DVD) – Considered one of Lucio Fulci’s better films if not the best, depending on what horror movie fan you speak or argue with. A woman inherits an old hotel in the bayou and because of a book called ‘EIBON’ written years ago she has just opened one of the seven doorways to hell. This film is crazy, bloody, over the top, and down right fucking awesome. A must have for every horror movie fan as there is several different DVD’s of the film out on the market. I give it 3 ½ stars.
The Big Boss (VHS) – Bruce Lee kicking major mobster ass everywhere and horrible English dubbing! I give it 3 stars.
Billy Owens and The Secret of the Runes (DVD) – Think Harry Potter on a pre-teen/Christian level… It’s the best way to describe this film. But why would I watch something like this? Fucking Roddy Piper is in it, why else?! I give it 1 star only because the only good thing about is Piper and you can purchase the film at www.mtivideo.com .
Binge & Purge (DVD) – The director of the independent classic “Meat Market” brings his latest gore flick, “Binge & Purge”. The film is about a designer and fashion models that actually feast on humans and do a lot of cocaine to help them get through their day. But things start to go south for the designer and models and when three detectives get called out on a case where one of the models has lost it and eats the pizza man and a couple of cops. With this happening the three detectives follow a dark bloody path to the designer and models where death would be the only good thing that happens to you. The film has buckets of gore and crazy models who take bums off the street only to feed on their flesh. The detectives were a little over the top but for storyline sakes I think they were just written that way. The cannibal film is fun and worth checking out as I give it 2 ½ stars and can be found at www.srscinema.com .
Black Ice (DVD) – The latest feature from the guy (Abortion Bin Productions) that gave us the ultra weird but cool alternative horror flick ‘Synchronicity’. A woman named Evelyn in her twenties is a virgin and she is having fucked up dreams about herself and some weird woodland creature. Between her gay friend and just being lonely more than anything after she pops her own ‘cherry’ she feels the pressure of having sex. One night she gets drunk and goes home with a random guy that she eventually mutilates during sex. From there on, it is just unbelievable… The movie is dramatic, violent, sick, and just down right dirty fun! If this wasn’t called “Black Ice” it would be called “Necromantik 3” and that is a good thing! Once again I hope this filmmaker keeps making awesome weird shit as I give this flick 3 ½ stars. The movie is like a slow burn until the last twenty minutes that just fucks with your brain. You can find and purchase the DVD at www.srscinema.com .
Black Swarm (DVD) – Robert Englund stars as a scientist who might be a small town’s only hope for a genetically engineered bee that is killing the townsfolk! I give it 2 stars.
The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond (Theater) – A film idea Horrorhound magazine’s Sean Clark has had for a couple years has finally made into a reality. The film is about a group of twentysomethings who are getting away for a weekend to an island. The only person on the island is Robert Patrick and he doesn’t like people disturbing him. The cast is filled out by Danielle Harris, The Crazy Babysitter Twins from “Planet Terror”, and James Duvall. The island has an evil past as some archeologists found an ancient game back in the early 1900s and they play it and then die by some unnatural forces. The game changes things around you and makes you see things that may not be happening. It’s creepy, scary, and sexy unlike most of the crap we see in theaters these days but seemed to be missing that one thing that puts this film over the top. But this horror flick is a must see and soon a must own for horror movie fans as I give it 3 stars.
Bleed With Me aka Rovdrift (DVD/Internet) – Kim Sonderholm’s latest low budget feature from Denmark is an eerie thriller about a serial killer of sorts who seems to have no remorse or reason for what exactly he is doing. A woman who just seems to be having the worst day of anyone’s life gets in the car with the killer when she is being stalked by a man who claims to just want a light? Soon she finds out that she got into the wrong car and must eventually fight for her life. A scary low budget thriller that needs to be seen by all horror fans as I give the film 3 stars.
Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69 (DVD) – Who said Nazi-exploitation films were dead? This low budget production is unrated, over two hours long, and the SS edition is about the man known as Helmet Schultz who was a SS commander of a POW camp in Nazi Germany 1945 and used Russian women for torture, American soldiers as slaves, and everyone for experiments. This gooey, bloody, Nazi fun reminds us to ask why more of these fun films didn’t get made back during the grindhouse era. Good film… a little long for me but worth the purchase as I give it 2 ½ stars and can be found at www.blitzkriegthemovie.com .
Blood, Boobs, & Beast (DVD) – A very cool documentary about a filmmaker who influenced tons of low budget filmmakers in the city of Baltimore and his name was Don Dohler. He was mostly known for his low budget sci-fi/horror flick “The Alien Factor” that was released in 1977 and got a national release but was mostly seen by the masses on the beginnings of cable television. But he never stopped making cool low budget horror flicks even up till his untimely death in late 2006. I give it 4 stars and a must watch for any type of filmmaker out there!
Blood Freak (VHS) – An anti-drug film from the 70s about an ‘Elvis-looking’ biker who gets a job at a turkey farm and eats an experiment turkey and turns into a guy with a big bird head and kills people to drink their blood! Awesome trippy shit that you could never even think of… I give it 2 stars.
Blood Song (DVD) – Another unknown early 80s slasher film that stars FRANKIE AVALON as the killer! Corny but a bloody fun slasher film worthy watching once! I give it 2 ½ stars.
Blood: The Last Vampire (DVD) – A feature film based on the popular anime that should most likely stayed in anime starts off about a young looking Asian girl who kills vampires while searching for the woman who killed her father. But whatever the rest of the movie is about beats me as the CG effects for the film were just down right disgusting and made “The Mummy Returns” horrible crayon CG effects look brilliant. This film just becomes one big retarded mess as it plays on, I give it 1 star.
The Bloody Ape aka Son of Sweetback vs. Kong (DVD) – This DVD is the ‘Super Simian Edition’ of a real low budget Super 8 film about a circus gorilla that escapes and goes around town raping and killing women. Plus, the film has about 50 minutes of completely random shit that reminds me of Ray Dennis Steckler’s “Blood Shack”. I give it 1 star and can be purchased at www.wildeyedvd.com .
Blue Demon (DVD) – A PG-13 shark film that has government experimental sharks that break out of their little ocean compound to begin feasting on whoever is in the water. Of course the sharks are completely CG’d and shitty looking and the PG-13 rating killed this film from being any kind of interesting killer shark film. So be warned this movie will make you bleed from the eyes because its shittiness and Jeff Fahey cannot save you! I give it 0 stars.
Boardinghouse (DVD) – Another great Code Red release of a much unknown 80s slasher film where the filmmaker seen ‘Slumber Party Massacre’ and said, “I could do that”. And he made this odd VHS shot movie about a man who inherits a haunted house and only rents to women who are willing to show their prime 80s boobies and get killed by a mysterious and possibly possessed killer. I give it 2 ½ stars for the cheese it is. But also check out the cool little goodies it as extras.
The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (DVD) – The second film picks up eight years later when a priest is killed in a church supposedly the same way as the Irish Saints did in Boston eight years before only to be a contract killing to draw them out of hiding along with their father. Once again a fun shoot’em up kinda film with a great performance from Julie Benz as the new FBI agent tracking the boys but the story lacks something. And that something to me was the filmmaker spending way too much time on topping everything that was done in the original film. I personally believe the filmmaker would have kept with the same type of action flick as the first time around I believe it would have been better, but that isn’t going to stop this film from being popular. But I do have to give this sequel credit as it has a great ending I wasn’t exactly expecting that tied the two films together. I give the film 2 ½ stars.
The Borrower (VHS) – A not talked about much horror flick from 1991 that stars Rae Dawn Chong as a detective who is searching for a serial killer who seems to be taking its victims heads. Here’s the problem for Rae Dawn Chong’s character, she does not know the killer is an alien that has been sent to earth as punishment for his crimes and can only survive by taking human heads and placing it on his body. The movie is very bloody, very cool at times, and very weird at times. Look for Tom Towles as the first victim of the decapitating alien. I give this horror film 2 ½ stars.
Bottom Feeder (DVD) – Somewhat low budget horror film that stars Tom Seizmore as a city worker along with three others that are cleaning out an abandon building only to be attacked by a monster that was a doctor at one time and was framed and shot up with his experimental formula he was working on. They must fight their way through the tunnels of the old building to get away from the mutation that seems to be half dog/half human. Not a great film but has some cool gory scenes and a cool monster so I give it 2 ½ stars.
Boy Eats Girl (DVD) – A fun Irish zombie flick that puts their own spin on the zombie genre with an Irish love story between two teenagers. One alive and one undead! Boy likes girl, boy scared to ask girl out, girl likes boy, boy finally gets nerve up to ask girl, she no shows, he commits suicide by accident and his mom brings him back to life… And hilarity ensues. As the days pass the boy becomes hungry for flesh but has one problem he bit the school bully and the bully has been feasting on the student body and now zombies are everywhere attacking. It’s bloody, its Irish, and it’s entertaining as hell. Another great zombie film to see from overseas as I give the flick 3 ½ stars.
Breaker! Breaker! (DVD) – Chuck F’N Norris is a truck driver in the mid-70s who will only fight if provoked enough and now he has been provoked a lot when his little brother takes a truckload of TV dinners through a small town called “Texas City” and disappears. It’s CHUCK versus the town in an ass kicking climax! I give it 2 stars as it’s not one of the better Chuck films.
Breaking Her Will (DVD) – Now, this is not my cup of tea type of film but the film is independent and did found its way into my hands to be reviewed and so I have to at least give it a view since that is what I do. But anyway, the film is simple… a man with a god complex picks a lovely woman who is hitchhiking and we later find out that she was because she walked out on her cheating boyfriend. As soon as she gets into this stranger’s car (the man with the god complex) she does not know it, but this is the end of her life as she knows it. After she is picked up its 90 minutes plus of how this man tries to ‘break her will’ with raping tactics, torture, and various other brutal acts that eventually ends in a bizarre way. The film will be torture porn to some to others such as the ‘August Underground’ crowd they might celebrate the flick. But there is no doubt this a grueling, brutal, horrifying car wreck that you will must likely not turn away from just because of curiosity. Again, it is independent so I try to support it but be warned this film can turn the stomach of even the most ADD-person who has seen it all these days! I give the film 2 stars just for the exploitation aspect of it and can be found at www.billzebub.com . On a side note I am a fan of the same filmmaker’s film “Ass Monster”… Classic…
Brinke’s Tales of Horror (DVD) – An independent anthology with six short films that are presented by the beautiful Brinke Stevens: 1) High Stakes – a poker game gone supernatural when a witch sits down and plays with some buddies, directed by Mike Watt. 2) Run – a very short film by Katharine Leis about a woman jogger who is being stalked. 3) Alibi – again from Katharine Leis and it’s pretty obvious what it’s about. 4) Threads – directed by J.D. Casey who the DVD is dedicated too. A writer is having writer’s block as lots of beautiful women keep him from getting through it. 5) Two Sides – by J.D. Casey and this film is about you decide who is telling the truth as the cops say one thing about a girl being killed and the supposedly killer says he is protecting her. 6) Meat Market – another film by J.D. Casey where a modeling agency hires women to model for magazines and also sells them on the black market as slaves, etc. for a high price. I enjoyed the second and last short film the most, but this collection is an above average independent anthology worth buying. In the various short films you have Debbie Rochon, Suzi Lorraine, Amy Lynn Best, and hey… me…! Yes mother fuckers, see me get killed in a scene that runs about 20 or 30 seconds in the first film “High Stakes”! Hold on, that might make people not buy the DVD! Fuck it people, search it out, it is a solid independent DVD! I give it 2 ½ stars and you can find at www.happycloudpictures.net .
Brother of Blood (DVD) – A 2008 Ghosthouse Underground release that stars Ken Foree, Sid Haig, and the very luscious Victoria Pratt. Victoria Pratt stars as a vampire hunter who is trying to rid the world of all vampires until she finds out that the original vampire that was hated by vampires and humans alike and was killed by both in the 1300s. Now Victoria’s character does not know if she can kill her new invincible foe. I give the movie 2 stars as it can be slow at times.
B.T.K. (DVD) – Kane Hodder plays the notorious serial killer Dennis who was killing people for over 35 years in the Wichita, Kansas area and would write letters to the police taunting them. The film not entirely true of course is just based on the events of the true BTK killer who always bind, torture, and killed his victims. The film gets a little boring at times but the casting of Kane Hodder as an aging family man with an alternate personality that is a serial killer was great and makes the movie worth checking out. I give it 2 ½ stars.
Burnt Offerings (DVD) – A couple, their aunt, and their kid move out to the country for the summer to a beautiful mansion that seems to have a few secrets but at a cheap price for a vacationing family that seems not to matter. The film builds the drama slowly as the family begins to pull apart and becomes possessed by an unseen force. The film stars some screen legends in Karen Black, Burgess Meredith, and Bette Davis. A great 70s horror film that still holds up today as I give it 3 stars.
Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (DVD) – The movie picks up only days after the first film’s events following the trucks of bottled water and where they go as it becomes apparent the center of attention for the film is going to be a school prom where the infected water is going. Once the infected water is drank by most of the high school its up to a high school nerd and his wanna be girlfriend to try and escape and find someone to tell about it, as the school and the town is being killed off by people in Hazmat suits and for no given reason who, what, or why… The film does have its delightful gore moments but I felt the sequel could have gone in some many directions and this one wasn’t it! Maybe it’s just me? I have already gotten some comments and e-mails through Myspace and Facebook wondering how I could say something bad about the film but shit when it comes down to it, the film is uneventful and sucks zoo animal cock! I loved the first film and thought the sequel can only be better but instead it just looks like a mish mash combo of “Dance of the Dead”, “The Crazies” (the original for the dumb people out there), and pick your latest running zombie flick! Yeah they kept an original character or two for the buildup of a non-Eli Roth sequel but it came off worse than a limp dick on prom night. I give the film 1 star.
Cannibal Terror (DVD) – Holy fuckin shit people this movie sucked sweaty nutsack! A truly horrible and dumb ass movie about a couple criminals who kidnap a little girl for ransom only to go hide in whats considered ‘cannibal country’. This movie absolutely didn’t make sense at times, examples: this girl at the hideout for the criminals gets raped in one scene then a few scenes later she is trying to fuck the guy who raped her! Another example: the cannibals… Every race on the planet had to be represented in this cannibal tribe! One scene would have two Asians playing cannibals then the next scene looked like it had two English guys playing cannibals! But that shit was at least entertaining. The movie drags, and then drags more until you are in submission. I give this healthy piece of shit called film 0 stars.
The Cannonball Run (DVD) – A race from New York to L.A. for lots of money between characters who will go to any lengths to win in style! This great race flick stars Burt Reynolds, Dom Deluise, Farrah Fawcett, Roger Moore, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Adrienne Barbeau, Jamie Farr, Terry Bradshaw, and Jackie Chan among many others. This movie contains possibly the funniest characters ever for a comedy. For the love of god people you have Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. playing Catholic priests driving a Ferrari! And you can’t forget “Captain…Chaos”! I give this awesome 1981 classic 4 stars.
Captivity (DVD) – A beautiful model is kidnapped by a stalker who apparently likes to watch and torture his victims until he is done with them or they die. The movie is more known for the racy ads (according to some parent groups) that ran on billboards out in LA when it was coming to theaters than the plot itself. Surprisingly the film isn’t long but is entertaining unlike some of the recent torture films and should be given a chance. I give the film 2 ½ stars.
The Caretaker (DVD) – This so-called scary modern day slasher film is just one big shitfest! High school kids take their dates to a supposedly haunted house in the middle of nowhere where a legend of a gardener went completely nuts and chained his wife to the floor of her bedroom and basically banged her when he felt like it and they had a kid. Of course 16 years later where the high school kids are trying to get laid by telling the lame story of the legend. Which of course, the legend happens to be true (who would have guessed) as “The Caretaker” begins to kill the kids one by one. Judd Nelson and Jennifer Tilly make brief appearances but it’s a wonder why they did at all as they added no value to this so-called slasher flick. About the only good thing about the whole crappy film was the girlfriend of a drug dealer who showed up early to set up things to scare the guy’s dates. She gets naked and begins to bounce around an empty room of the haunted house which is just delightful until she dies and the film becomes a lame piece of shit again with an ending that leaves it open for a sequel. Which hopefully this never happens as this might be one of the worst films you will have to endure in 2010! I give it 0 stars and can be found www.mtivideo.com .