Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Lessons in Effective Communication
David Goldwich
Published by David Goldwich
Email: david@reachforthestars.us
Website: www.reachforthestars.us
© 2007 by David Goldwich
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the copyright owner.
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ISBN 978-981-05-8433-7
National Library Board Singapore Cataloguing in Publication Data
Goldwich, David. Why did the chicken cross the road? : lessons in effective communication / David Goldwich. – Singapore : David Goldwich, 2007. P. cm. ISBN-13 : 978-981-05-8433-7 (pbk.)
1. Interpersonal communication.
2. Oral communication.
3. Written communication I. Title.
BF637.C45
153.6 – dc22 SLS2007026058
Table of Contents
Preface
The Chicken Parable
Introduction: Fundamental Principles of Communication
Chapter 1 Perception: The Foundation of Communication
Chapter 2 Credibility and Confidence: Believing in Yourself, and Getting Others
to Believe in You
Chapter 3 Listening: The Neglected Skill
Chapter 4 Asking Questions: Working the Information Gold Mine
Chapter 5 Choosing Your Words: The Difference Between the Lightning Bug and
the Lightning
Chapter 6 Small Talk and Flirting: The Art of Everyday Conversation
Chapter 7 Meeting People and Networking: Connecting for Fun and Profit
Chapter 8 Nonverbal Communication: Because Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Chapter 9 Assertiveness: Standing up for Yourself Without Stepping on Anyone
Else’s Toes
Chapter 10 Feedback: Compliments, Strokes, and Constructive Criticism
Chapter 11 Written Communication: Proposals, Reports, and Email
Chapter 12 Presentations: How to Really Put on a Show
Preface: Why You Need This Book
With so many books on communication in the market, why is this book the only one you’ll ever need?
It’s short and user friendly
In his book Awaken the Giant Within, Anthony Robbins mentions a study that found that 90% of all book purchasers never read beyond the first chapter. Fortunately, he cited that figure in chapter one!
Face it—most self-improvement books are about simple ideas that can easily be stapled together into a short pamphlet, but are padded and stretched out to justify their high price. No wonder so few people finish reading them. And fewer people actually benefit from them. You cannot learn anything from a book that just sits on the shelf. This book takes the opposite approach—it is short and easy to read, yet crammed full of important information. There is an excellent chance that you will actually finish it and reread it!
The 80/20 rule
This rule was formulated in the 19th century by the Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto, who observed that the top 20% of producers were responsible for 80% of all production.
You can apply the 80/20 rule to all kinds of situations. Eighty percent of your revenues come from 20% of your customers. Twenty percent of your time produces 80% of your results. You get the idea. This book was written with the 80/20 rule in mind. You could try to learn everything there is to know about communication, but it would take the rest of your life and you’d still come up short. Why not spend a little time and effort learning and practicing the 20% that can give you 80% of the results?
Knowing isn’t doing
When I began working as a trainer I had a mentor whose motto was “Knowing isn’t doing.” Simple but true; obvious, but so often taken for granted. There are books and libraries and cyberspace filled with all kinds of information. Knowing all of it won’t make your life any better, aside from whatever intrinsic benefit you might get from learning for its own sake. Learning a little from a book or a course won’t help much either—unless you use the knowledge to change your behavior for the better.
As children, most of us remember misbehaving—say, grabbing a toy away from a playmate—and being scolded by our parent or teacher. “That wasn’t nice! You know better than that!” Of course we know better, but whether we do better is another matter. Knowledge is power—but only if applied. The ideas, techniques, and assignments in this book will help you make the jump from theory to practice—from merely knowing to actually doing.
Nearly everything we humans do in life depends on communication. If we would be more successful at work, have more meaningful friendships, a more satisfying marriage, better relationships with our children and parents, and generally be happier with our lot in life, we must learn to communicate more effectively. Yet few of us make the effort to improve our skills in the most important area of our entire human existence! Now, turn the page and begin …
The Chicken Parable
Once upon a time, in a small, rural town, there lived a man. Every morning the man went to a little diner for breakfast.
One morning, while having his coffee and donuts, the man noticed a chicken outside the diner. Curious, he watched as the chicken crossed the road. “Why did that chicken cross the road?” the man wondered.
He asked the waitress, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“To get to the other side,” the waitress replied.
That answer did not satisfy the man. He saw a businessman at the counter reading a newspaper. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” he asked the businessman.
The businessman answered, “To prove that it wasn’t chicken.”
That didn’t sound right either. The man noticed a young boy and asked him “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“To escape from Colonel Sanders,” the boy offered.
The man was uncertain. “Such a simple question,” he said to the cook, “yet no one knows the answer.”
“Well,” said the cook, “I heard about a wise old man who lives on top of the mountain. Maybe he knows the answer.”
“That’s it!” said the man. “I’ll go to the top of the mountain and ask the wise old man.”
The man set off immediately for the mountain and spent half the day climbing to the top. When he finally reached the summit he saw the wise old man sitting on the porch of his cabin, chewing a stalk of grass and totally absorbed in thought.
The man nervously approached the porch and said, “Excuse me, good sir, I understand you are a very wise man, and I hope you might answer a question for me.”
“I might,” replied the wise man. “What is your question?”
“This morning I saw a chicken cross the road, and I am wondering why it did so. Would you by any chance know?”
“Now how would I know that?” the wise man responded. “I’ve never even seen this chicken. Perhaps you should ask the chicken—it should know better than anyone.”
“That is an excellent idea,” said the man, amazed by the simplicity of it all. “I will ask the chicken. You are indeed a wise man. Thank you.”
The man climbed back down the mountain and arrived at his home as night fell. “In the morning I will look for the chicken and ask it directly,” he vowed.
The next morning on his way to the diner the man went searching for the chicken. Soon he found it, pecking at the earth.
“Excuse me, chicken—I saw you cross the road yesterday and I have been wondering why you might do such a thing. Can you tell me?”
The chicken was annoyed by the sudden intrusion and cackled, “Why should I tell you? How do I know you won’t tell Colonel Sanders about me?”
Aha, thought the man—the little boy was right!
“Please excuse me, I am very busy now,” said the chicken, as it continued to peck at the dirt.
Oh my, thought the man, I have offended the chicken. “Please forgive me,” said the man to the chicken, “I did not wish to upset you.” The man turned slowly, feeling sad about the way things turned out, and went off for his coffee and donuts.
As he ate his breakfast, the man reflected on his encounter with the chicken. I don’t believe the chicken really thought I would tell Colonel Sanders, he mused. The chicken sounded as if it were annoyed by my approach. Perhaps it was being sarcastic. Maybe I can think of a better way to find out why it crossed the road.
The next morning on his way to the diner the man went searching for the chicken again. He found it, still pecking at the earth.
“Sorry to disturb you again, chicken—I would like to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I was rude, and I’m truly sorry. Yet I cannot help wondering why you would cross the road. After all, many trucks use that road, and it is very dangerous…”
“And you think I’m afraid of those trucks?” squawked the chicken, boldly.
Aha, thought the man—the businessman was right! The chicken is trying to prove it isn’t chicken.
“I am very busy,” said the chicken, continuing to peck at the dirt. “Good day, sir.”
Oh dear, thought the man, I have offended the chicken again. It seems to have a chip on its shoulder—or, rather, its wing. I must find a more congenial way of dealing with it.
The man went off for his breakfast, thinking about how he might refine his approach. He thought about it all day, to no avail.
That evening at dinner the man’s young son refused to eat his vegetables. The man pleaded, begged, and implored, but still his son refused. “I don’t like vegetables,” the boy protested. “Why should I eat them?”
“I can give you many reasons … they’re good for you … they will make you grow up to be big and strong … your mother worked hard to cook them just for you … it isn’t nice to waste food … children in Africa are starving and would love to eat those vegetables….”
The man was pleased that he was able to think of so many excellent reasons why his son should eat his vegetables. But still the boy refused.
“That’s strange,” the man said to his wife. “I gave him several good reasons to eat his vegetables and still he refused. Don’t you think those were good reasons?”
“Of course they were, dear. I thought they were very good reasons—especially the one about how hard I worked to prepare the vegetables. They just weren’t very good reasons to him.”
At his wit’s end, the man said “Son, you cannot watch television until you eat your vegetables.”
The boy stared at his plate, unmoved. Soon it was time for the boy’s favorite TV program. He quickly ate all the vegetables on his plate and turned on the TV. The man looked on, perplexed. “That boy,” he said to himself, “is only concerned about what interests him.”
The next morning on his way to the diner the man stopped to visit the chicken yet again. He found it busily pecking at the earth as before.
“I beg your pardon, chicken—I realize I must seem overbearing to you. I will not trouble you further. I hope you will accept this peace offering.”
The man knelt down, smiled, and dropped a handful of corn on the ground before the chicken. The chicken pecked hungrily at the corn until none was left. The man turned to leave.
“Wait!” squawked the chicken. The man looked at the chicken, and noticed that the chicken was looking at him for the first time. “Did you have something you wanted to ask me?”
Many years later the man took his young grandson to the diner for donuts and milk. The child asked, “Hey, grandpa, do you want to hear a riddle?”
“Sure,” said the old man, “what is it?”
“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
The old man smiled thoughtfully. “I don’t know why,” he replied, “but I’m sure it must have had a very good reason.”
Introduction: The Fundamental Principles of Communication
There are certain principles of human behavior that are critical for understanding how we think, act, and communicate. I will introduce them briefly here. You will see them repeated throughout this book, as they underlie all of the elements of communication discussed in the following chapters.
Communicate to express, not to impress.
Many people use big words to impress others. And it sometimes works, because we associate big words with big intellects. But truly wise people use simple language that anyone can understand. They realize that if the other person does not understand their message, they have failed to communicate.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
This has become a cliché, but the meaning behind it is valid. Communication is all about understanding. It’s just that most of us are more interested in being understood by the other party than in understanding her. It doesn’t matter who is understood or not understood; so long as somebody is not understood the communication has failed.
Lawyers sometimes describe an agreement as a “meeting of the minds.” This metaphor recognizes that the content of the agreement is not absolute, but requires interpretation. Agreement or understanding occurs only when both parties are of the same mind. The same can be said of communication in general. The messages that we communicate every day are not as precise in their meaning as numbers. Every message is subject to interpretation, and every person who receives a message has her own interpretation. For successful communication to occur, both parties must interpret the content of the message in the same way. Otherwise, there is not an understanding but a misunderstanding.
To understand others, bear in mind that …
You learn more by listening than by talking.
Listening is more than keeping quiet while someone else is talking. It is the art of interpreting the words of another and giving them meaning. It is at minimum an active process that requires thought, and ideally an empathetic process that requires feeling and understanding. If understanding is a meeting of the minds then empathy is a meeting of the hearts.
Listening is how you find out what other people feel and want. You already know what you want. Finding out what the other guy wants is important because …
People do things for their reasons, not yours.
Remember the little boy in the Chicken Parable who wouldn’t eat his vegetables? His father gave him many good reasons for doing so: they’re good for you … they will make you grow up to be big and strong … your mother worked hard to cook them … it isn’t nice to waste food … children in Africa are starving … but to no avail. In the end the exasperated father resorted to the time-tested threat of no TV. It worked, but he probably won’t win the Father of the Year Award for that bit of parenting.
People do things for their reasons, not yours. The problem is we do not know what their reasons are. We assume that what is a good reason for us should be a good reason for someone else. Though the many differences among individuals may appear to complicate things, they do make the world a much more interesting place. Instead of assuming everyone else thinks exactly the same way you do, find out what they really do think, what their reasons are.
How do you find out what their reasons are? Develop rapport. Empathize. Ask questions. Listen. Gain their trust. This is important because …
People have two reasons for everything: the one they tell you, and the real one.
The one they tell you sounds good. It is often high-minded, even noble. Or it could be what they think you want to hear. Perhaps they truly have good intentions and want to spare you from something unpleasant. Still, the publicly stated reason is often hogwash. The real reason is kept hidden because it would put them in a bad light, or it would show them to have selfish or devious motives. Open communication and trust make it likelier that others will tell you their real reasons.
Often a person’s real reason isn’t a reason at all, it is an emotion. Remember …
People often act based on emotion and justify their action with reason.
We like to believe we are creatures of logic and that we carefully evaluate all sides of an issue and make a rational decision. But the fact is most people follow their emotions and think of a reason that supports it and sounds good.
Imagine your friend buys an expensive new luxury car. You ask him why he chose that model. What reason will he give? He will tell you he bought it because it is a solid, reliable car, or that it is safe, or that it drives like a dream. Those are all good reasons, and they may all be true. But you know and I know and the whole world knows that those are not the real reasons he bought the car. There are plenty of safe, solid, and reliable cars that drive like a dream and sell for half the price. The real reason behind his selection is status, ego, prestige. Most people just don’t like to admit it.
We don’t all have the same idea of what reason sounds good. This is because …
Perception is reality. People see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear.
Seeing is believing, but it is equally true that believing is seeing, as the following story illustrates.
During the great westward migration of America’s pioneer days a family of settlers from the northeast came to a small Midwestern town. The head of the family climbed down from the wagon and approached the town’s sheriff.
“Pardon me, sir. I’m heading west with my family, looking for a new place to put down roots, and I was wondering what kind of folks you have living in this town?”
“What kinda folks you got livin’ back east?” the sheriff replied.
“The people back home are the worst bunch of lying, cheating, no-good scoundrels you’ve ever seen,” the man said with disdain.
“Well,” said the sheriff, “I reckon that’s just the sort of folks you’ll find livin’ hereabouts.”
The man got back on his wagon, discouraged, and continued west with his family. A short time later another family of settlers from the northeast stopped at the same town. The head of the family climbed down from the wagon and approached the town’s sheriff.
“Pardon me, sir. I’m heading west with my family, looking for a new place to put down roots, and I was wondering what kind of folks you have living in this fine looking town?”
“What kinda folks you got livin’ back east?” the sheriff replied.
“The people back home are the finest, most decent, hard-working, neighborly people you’ve ever seen,” the man said wistfully.
“Well,” said the sheriff, “I reckon that’s just the sort of folks you’ll find livin’ hereabouts.”
The sheriff was a wise man. He also knew that people see the world consistent with their beliefs, values, and attitudes. People see what they believe rather than believe what they see.
Whoever frames the question wins.
When offering a proposal, presenting alternatives, or posing a question, the way you frame the proposition makes a difference. Imagine a woman helping her husband select an outfit for a special occasion. She has her preference but would like to let the poor guy think he is making the decision himself. She can frame the question in different ways. How she frames the question will influence the outcome.
(1) “Would you prefer a solid tie, a pattern, or a stripe?”
(2) “Would you prefer a plain solid tie, a complicated pattern, or a nice,
sophisticated stripe?”
What answer would you expect for questions (1) and (2) above? In the first example the question is neutrally framed, and unless the man already has a strong preference the odds of any given response are about equal. In the second example the odds of the man choosing the striped tie are greatest. Why would he choose a plain, boring tie or a complicated one when he could be sophisticated?
Of course, the husband could frame the question himself: “The issue is not which tie I should wear, but whether I need to wear a tight, formal, stuffy tie, or be cool, comfortable, and casual without a tie.”
Framing the question thoughtfully can help you get what you want. Another way you can increase the chance of getting what you want is to …
Make it easy for people to say yes.
Too often we focus on winning, looking good, and being right. These are nice outcomes, but they may not be what we really want. Usually, what we really want is for another person to do something we want them to do, while wanting to do it. If we force someone into submission they will submit, but they will find a way to get revenge. If we get them to say yes because they want to, we will both be better off.
When my daughter Cherisse first started to walk she would use her newfound mobility to explore everything within reach. If I went into the storage room she would follow me and pick up hammers, screwdrivers, light bulbs, and other items not meant for toddlers. I would tell her to put those things down, they were not for her, they were dangerous, she could hurt herself, etc. None of these arguments worked; they were my reasons, not hers. I could have used force to get what I wanted, but that would have meant a lot of loud, unpleasant screaming, and that doesn’t even address what she would have done! Eventually I figured out a solution. I asked her, “Cherisse, would you like to help me close the door?” She immediately dropped everything, slammed the door shut, and ran off with a triumphant grin on her face. She was thrilled to have a chance at controlling her environment and winning approval. I got the result I wanted without a conflict, and she was delighted to give me that result.
Look for a way to get cheerful cooperation rather than grudging compliance. Make it easy for people to say yes.
People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
In recent years we have come to accept that emotional intelligence, or EQ, is more important to success than traditional intelligence. EQ is a cluster of abilities, including empathy, the ability to recognize emotions in others—what Goleman calls “the fundamental ‘people skill’” and “the master aptitude.” “People who are empathic,” Goleman continues, “are more attuned to the subtle social signals that indicate what others need or want.” [Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence (London: Bloomsbury, 1996), p.43] The ability to read nonverbal signals is a large part of empathy, and having strong listening and questioning skills also helps you read and reflect the emotions of others.
Knowing what others are feeling and showing them that you know it is the essence of empathy. It’s what made Bill Clinton President and Oprah Winfrey a billionaire. How much do you think it can do for you?
Chapter 1
Perception: The Foundation of Communication
“We don’t see things as they are.
We see them as we are.”
-- Anais Nin
Consider these two scenarios:
Scenario 1
One of the most notorious murderers of the 20th century was captured by the champions of freedom. He and his henchmen were removed from power, never again to brutally kill innocent civilians as he had in the past, never again to invade neighboring countries. Free elections were held and the liberated citizens allowed to control their own collective destiny.
Scenario 2
A sovereign nation and member of the United Nations was illegally invaded by a meddling power that was not itself threatened or in any danger, without regard to world opinion overwhelmingly against it, simply because it could do so. Countless thousands of lives were lost, order turned into chaos, terrorism escalated, and the world became less stable as a result of this criminal abuse of power.
Both of these scenarios describe the United States’ intervention in Iraq in 2003. There was only one event, but two very different interpretations. Other interpretations are possible as well. Supporters of President Bush would swear that the first scenario is accurate, and that the second is a gross distortion of the facts. Saddam supporters would be just as strongly convinced that the second scenario is the truth. It is unlikely that either side would be able to convince the other of its position. It is not necessary to try. However, it is critical for an effective communicator to recognize that, regardless of his interpretation, those who have another interpretation are just as correct in their own view of the world.
How you see the world
Virtually everything you think, do, or otherwise experience is the result of an interaction between you and your environment. The “you” in question is not merely your physical person; it is your thoughts, consciousness, your nervous system—in short, your inner self. Your physical being is the interface between your inner self and your environment. Your environment consists of all relevant portions of the outside world. You perceive and experience your environment through your bodily senses, which transmit information to your inner self. Your inner self processes this information and responds to it.
How your inner self processes this information makes all the difference. And while this process is complex, you have a tremendous amount of control over it. Many people do not realize they have any control over this process; they allow external events to control them. Many more influence it but in counterproductive ways. For example, they might assume the worst or misread another’s intentions. Outstanding communicators exercise conscious control over this process to increase understanding, trust, persuasiveness, and the quality of their relationships. This process has a name—it is called perception.
Perception is the way we interpret the world. We see things with our eyes, hear with our ears, and otherwise gather data with our senses. Although humans find this process hard to explain, this is the simple part. What our brains do to process the raw data gathered by our senses is another story altogether. My brain processes data differently than your brain, or anyone else’s brain. That is what makes us unique individuals. It is also the single most important concept in the area of communication.
Filters
Why is the fact that we all process information differently so crucial in communication? Because it is at the root of everything we think and do. Our perceptions determine what we see and hear, what we think, how we respond, and how other people perceive us and respond to us. Our perceptions create our mindset and form our reality. Other peoples’ perceptions create their mindsets and form their realities, which are invariably different from our own. Thus, there is no single knowable reality, but we all have our own interpretations of reality based on our perceptions and filters.
We perceive our world through a series of filters. These filters color and distort some of our perceptions, and eliminate others altogether. It is a very selective process. We see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear because our filters allow us to notice certain things and make us blind to others.
One way our filters operate is by deleting information. Have you ever “lost” your keys and searched for them high and low, only to realize eventually that they were right in your hand all along? Your hand could sense the keys within its grasp, but your brain deleted that bit of information.
We unconsciously ignore information that would threaten our world view. Perhaps you decided you did not like a person because he was selfish and inconsiderate. You may have interpreted something he said or did to mean he was a selfish and inconsiderate person, even though he is normally thoughtful and generous. You unwittingly overlook (or delete) many instances where he was generous and thoughtful because those examples would contradict your current point of view.
Another way filters operate is by distorting information. Thus, a George W. Bush supporter will shape a set of facts to reinforce what she already believes about him. A Bush detractor will similarly shape those same events so they support his already formed beliefs about him. Nobody likes to find out that he was wrong, so he will distort information such that it supports the “correctness” of his existing views.
Filters also color or generalize our perception of events. Imagine our cave-dwelling ancestors coming to grips with their hostile and mysterious environment. Some berries are edible and others are poisonous, some animals harmless and others dangerous—but which? After observing that some members of their tribe ate certain berries and became sick or died they noticed a connection and did not eat those berries. They recognized that other berries could be eaten, and that still others had therapeutic properties that could relieve certain illnesses. They were making generalizations and forming patterns. These patterns helped them to recognize and predict tides, seasons, and the weather. Slowly they began to organize these patterns into bodies of knowledge called science, medicine, agriculture, and so on.
Generalizing and forming patterns—and designing strategies to respond to those patterns—have helped humans survive over the ages. However, this is also how negative stereotypes are formed. Suppose a man has had a bad relationship with a glamorous, highly polished blonde. Perhaps she was unusually demanding and high maintenance. The next time he encounters a similarly polished, glamorous blonde, he may assume she is also demanding and high maintenance. Regardless of her true nature, he will respond to her as though she were in fact high maintenance. By generalizing, he can avoid the effort of having to form an opinion about the new blonde based on new information particular to her. It is a short cut, but one that often leads us astray.
Creativity guru Edward de Bono has observed that “The excellence of the human brain is that it is designed to form patterns from the world around us and then stick to these patterns. That is how perception works and life would be totally impossible if the brain were to work differently.” [Edward de Bono, Serious Creativity (London: Harper Collins, 1992), p.36.]
In other words, the brain was designed for survival rather than creative genius or excellence in communication. If we are to thrive rather than merely survive we must learn not only to recognize patterns, but when to follow them and when not to. We must at the very least increase our awareness of how we perceive information and guard against the negative effects of our filters.
Your emotional state
We humans are emotional creatures. We are driven primarily by emotions even though we are conditioned to think that emotions should take a back seat to logic and analysis. People who appear overly-emotional are deemed weak and ineffective. Cold logic and reason are considered superior and accorded more respect. After all, Nobel prizes are awarded for breakthroughs in rational thinking, not emotional displays. Except within limited circumstances, most cultures disapprove of emotional displays.
Why such a disparity in treatment of these two fundamental human attributes? Both obviously have strong survival value and have enabled mankind to develop beyond other creatures. Yet we value rational thinking over emotional feeling. We even rationalize our emotions to make them more acceptable to ourselves and others.
Let me propose a fundamental principle of human nature: People decide based on emotion and justify their decision with reason. This runs counter to everything we are taught, so let me repeat: People decide based on emotion and justify with reason.
For example, suppose you are shopping for a new car. After comparing a number of models in your price and model range, analyzing the pros and cons, and calculating the best choice, you finally make your selection based on logic. Or do you? Why did you consider that brand, model, and style in the first place? Could it be that advertising
campaigns, brand associations, and word of mouth from people with similar values had a subtle influence on your “rational” decision? Could you have unwittingly given more weight to emotional factors than to rational ones? Based on the sheer size and level of expenditures in the advertising industry, the answer would have to be YES!
Your emotional state is who you are at a given time and place. It is the junction of your state of mind (thoughts and feelings) and your physical state (physiology). The information that passes through your mental filters impacts your state of mind, which is interdependent with your physiological state. The result of this interaction determines your emotional state. This in turn impacts your perception of people and events. If the resulting perception is favorable, that’s great. However, if that perception does not support clear communication and understanding, then you need to reconsider what other useful interpretations are possible.
For example, a woman comes home from a long, stressful day at work (mental), feeling exhausted (physical). Based on her mental and physical conditions, her emotional state is likely to be low. She begins to prepare dinner when her husband comes home from work and asks, “Is dinner ready yet?” She slams the spatula down on the countertop and shouts, “Is that all you think about—your dinner?” The husband, taken by surprise, remonstrates, “What did I do?”
What happened in this common everyday scenario? How do you think the rest of the evening will turn out if neither party manages their emotional states and perceptions effectively? The husband needs to recognize his wife’s low emotional state and show concern in the way he responds to her outburst, in spite of how he must be feeling. He could say, for instance, “Looks like you could use some help—tell me what I can do.” The wife, for her part, needs to recognize that her emotional state is hurting the dialogue and that her husband is unaware of her state. He has just come in and has not seen or spoken to her yet, and she has not expressed her feelings about her day to him. The husband’s remark “Is dinner ready yet?” may have been completely innocent. Perhaps he was just making small talk or letting his wife know he was home. Or it could have been a jibe, suggesting she was lazy or not concerned with his welfare. It was probably innocent (even if not particularly sensitive). She could just as easily have construed it as such. But she interpreted it in a manner that is unsupportive of effective communication and understanding. Your emotional state will shape how you perceive an event, but you can choose whether or not to adopt a supportive interpretation.
Picasso, the great Spanish painter, observed that “Everything you can imagine is real.” A mental patient proclaims that he is Napoleon and orders his imaginary soldiers about. You scoff that he is deluded, a lunatic, that he is most certainly not Napoleon and he has no troops. Yet, unless you are an extraordinarily talented psychiatrist, you will probably never convince him otherwise. He may be quite happy in the world he has created for himself. Moreover, the patient may wonder why you slave at a job you do not like, stay in an unfulfilling marriage, and make mortgage payments on a house that keeps you tied down, and conclude that you have chosen to be unhappy. You each have your own reality. You may argue that the patient cannot perceive reality, but you won’t win. You would be better off accepting that he has another reality, one just as real to him as yours is to you.
You may never have a Picasso painting hanging on your wall. But you can write down his words and hang them on your wall. Better yet, commit them to memory. “Everything you can imagine is real.” And, of course, also remember that anything anyone else can imagine is just as real to them, too. Who is right? You both are.
The problem of meaning
With so many words available to choose from it is easy to fall into the trap of believing that we can send clear messages by choosing our words carefully. Of course, this is preferable to choosing our words carelessly. But even when we choose our words carefully we still assume that the receiver will interpret those words the way we intend him to. This is dangerous, as the following example illustrates.
One morning my wife, Margarete—whose native language is Chinese—asked me to “help” her change the bed sheets. I agreed. After all, it is easier for two people to change the bed sheets than one. However, Margarete was not around most of the day, and I waited for her to return so we could change the sheets together. When she came home she asked me why I had not changed the sheets. I told her I had waited for her to return so I could help her. She said I need not have waited for her to return in order to help her; I could have done it while she was out. Now I know the dictionary defines “help” as “assist.” But what I did not know is that in her culture, to “help” someone means to complete the task for them—all by yourself. When Margarete asked me to help her change the sheets, she assumed I would do it while she was out. I assumed she meant “help” as I have used the term all my life, and as it is defined in the dictionary. To this day I believe my interpretation is the correct one, but it did not help me avoid an argument that day, so we both lost. If we could have a dispute about such a simple word, imagine the possibilities for confusion with more complicated words, and complete messages composed of many complicated words!
Words themselves have no meaning. They are merely vehicles that represent and convey ideas. The meaning comes from the individuals who use the words and interpret them. When both the speaker and the listener interpret the words the same way we have a meeting of the minds, an understanding, a successful communication. When we do not interpret words the same way, we have misunderstandings, disputes, errors, even war.
Who is responsible for the success or failure of a communication? Some say the speaker is one hundred percent responsible for ensuring that the listener understands his message. This seems unfair. It gives the listener no responsibility for understanding the message. After all, communication is a two way street. Both parties face barriers in communicating, and both stand to lose or benefit depending on whether there is a meeting of the minds. Thus, some believe responsibility for understanding should be shared fifty-fifty. I believe the best way to share responsibility for effective communication is one hundred percent for the speaker and one hundred percent for the listener. We are all equally and fully responsible.
Consider the following list of words:
Abortion
Communism
Gay
Liberal
Hillary Clinton
“Out!” (a disputed call in a sporting contest)
Gun control
Fur coats
As they used to say in the old west, “Them’s fightin’ words.” Mention any of these words in a randomly chosen group of people and ask what it means, and you will have a barroom brawl on your hands within thirty seconds. Not only do people interpret these words differently, they feel strongly about most of them.
Words can support meaning at two levels. They have a denotative meaning, which is a straightforward description of the thing or idea the word represents. They also have a connotative meaning, which is more open to individual interpretation. For example, the word “four” refers to a fixed number of objects totaling one more than three and one less than five. Anyone with a basic understanding of numbers will get the meaning with no confusion. The word “you” refers to the person holding this book and reading these words, and almost everyone understands the concept. These words are at the highly denotative end of the continuum. There is little room for dispute or misunderstanding. Other words are more connotative. Words referring to abstract concepts such as love, justice, and delicious are the most connotative of all. If you ask a hundred people what such a word means you will get a hundred different responses, assuming the people you ask can even articulate a response.
For example, America can be interpreted to mean:
a large nation of fifty united states within defined geographic boundaries
a large democratic country
a land of freedom and opportunity
the world’s only superpower
the prime shaper of popular culture
a place of unprecedented wealth and affluence
a materialistic and licentious society
the land of the free and the home of the brave
the “Great Satan” and the scourge of mankind
and many other things.
With so many words in a typical message, each with different meanings, each interpreted differently, it’s amazing we ever understand each other. Most words fall into the midrange, with denotative and connotative elements both readily apparent. They are denotative enough to look easy to understand, and connotative enough to cause misunderstandings. Of course, most of the time we do understand each other. But much of the time we only think we do, but really don’t. The greatest step to improved understanding is to be aware of these differences in interpretation and perception and strive to overcome them.
No one directly experiences reality. We each experience our own reality based on our different backgrounds, culture, values, beliefs, and other forces that make each of us unique. We interact differently with our environment and respond differently to the “same” stimuli (bearing in mind that a stimulus is never really the same for any two people, as we perceive things uniquely). This makes life more colorful and interesting. After all, if we all saw everything the same way what would there be to talk about? It also makes communication problematic. We don’t communicate with words or ideas, we communicate with our interpretations of them.
Media guru Marshall McLuhan said “the medium is the message.” One can also say that the messenger is the message. You are evaluated not only by your words (as interpreted by others), but by how others perceive you. You can improve the odds that others will perceive you favorably by creating a powerful first impression and by managing the image you project.
The power of a first impression
When I arrived for English class on the first day of school in seventh grade, the teacher gave a lecture on the theme: “first impressions are lasting.” He then gave us our homework assignment: write a composition on something we did during our summer vacation. My essay was about a spitball fight I had with my cousin while spending the night at his house. I received a grade of C- for that childish effort. My feeble seventh grade brain did not make the connection between the theme of the lecture and the need to choose a pleasant, impressive topic for my paper. Whereas I received mostly A’s in English throughout grade school and for balance of my junior and senior high school years, I took home almost all C’s for the rest of seventh grade. Coincidence? I doubt it. That first effort created a strong first impression in the mind of my teacher, and set the tone for how he evaluated me for the remainder of the year. My subsequent work could not overcome the mediocre impression my teacher formed based on that initial assignment.
First impressions are lasting. You never get a second chance to make a good first impression. We have heard these statements many times, and there is a lot of truth to them. Psychologists call this the primacy effect. The primacy effect states that events that occur earlier have a greater impact on observers than events that happen later. A grade of C on a first assignment strongly marks the pupil as a C student. That same paper, turned in after a series of A papers, is seen as a fluke—it might even earn an A- or a B rather than a C!
The primacy effect influences the perceptions of people from all walks of life, not just seventh grade English teachers. The primacy effect operates on your first day of school and your first day of work. It is operating when you meet someone at a networking event, and when you take the podium to give a speech. It is at work on your first date with a new romantic interest; in fact, it caused the other to agree to that first date in the first place. Needless to say, it is a prime factor in determining whether there will be a second date!
Whenever you encounter someone for the first time, it is critical to give a strong performance. Anticipate the circumstances of the encounter, identify how your performance will be evaluated, and prepare to shine from the word go. Your audience will begin to form an impression within mere seconds, so you know that appearance and nonverbal signals will have a major impact. Make sure you are nicely and appropriately dressed and well groomed. Maintain good posture and an open, friendly facial expression. Speak in a pleasant tone.
In a short, highly structured encounter such as a job interview, a sales call, or a speed date, you don’t have much time to begin with. In situations such as these the first few seconds or minutes are not only critical, they are conclusive! If you blow it here you are unlikely to get another chance—ever.
The sizing up process will continue for the first few minutes of your interaction. Say something that makes the right sort of impact, i.e., intelligent, witty, or perhaps empathetic, depending on the situation. For example, if you are meeting for the first time with your new project team, make a useful observation or suggestion early and you will be well regarded by the others. If you are quiet and make the same comment towards the end, it will have far less impact as you will have already been pegged as someone with little to contribute.
You will not always know when or where an important first encounter will occur, so you must be ready for anything at all times. Always look your best, feel your best, and be your best. And always wear clean underwear.
The Halo Effect
The halo effect refers to our tendency to generalize and stereotype a person’s characteristics based on limited information. When we see certain favorable qualities in a person we often assume the existence of other favorable qualities, even though there may be no basis for doing so. For example, studies have shown that teachers often assume that more attractive students are also more intelligent, and evaluate them accordingly. We are all guilty of such generalizations. It may not be fair but it happens all the time, so make the most of it! By increasing the number of favorable qualities you project, you can also increase the probability that others will form a more favorable impression of you.
Salvaging a poor first impression
Creating a powerful first impression is a great idea, but what if someone already has a less than glowing opinion of you? What can you do to overcome that? There are a few things you can do.
If it is obvious that your first impression did not impress, be honest about it. People always respect honesty. It is unfortunate that you arrived late for the meeting, spilled your coffee on your host, and ripped your trousers when sitting down, but do not make excuses or assign blame. Apologize and take full responsibility. If you deny responsibility for your situation, you deny yourself the power to change it. Be a winner, not a whiner.
Once you have taken responsibility, point out the obvious—that we cannot truly judge a person based on a single, brief experience. We understand the power of the primacy effect, but it is not an inviolable law of nature—there is also the recency effect. The recency effect states that later events are more influential than earlier ones. In other words, what have you done for me lately? The idea that first impressions are lasting is a cliché, one that supports the primacy effect. That we cannot judge a book by its cover is also a cliché, and supports the recency effect. Choose the cliché that works best for you! By opening the other person’s mind to the possibility that you’re not all that bad and asking her not to jump to conclusions, you are more likely to earn a chance to redeem yourself. However, you must still earn redemption. Think of yourself as being on probation, and prove you deserve to be well regarded. It may be an uphill battle, but you can win it.
While on an official state visit to Japan, President George Bush the Elder vomited on his host. Talk about a bad first impression! Yet he survived the ordeal and war with Japan was averted. In fact, the relationship flourished. Remember that the next time you commit a faux pas.
You cannot change the past, but you can shape the present and the future. You can also influence the way the past is perceived, and perception is reality. Minimize the importance of a poor first impression, and emphasize better things to come—then deliver them.
Overcoming a poor first impression is not easy, and there is no guaranteed way to pull it off. It is much better to make a strong impact in the first place, so go all out to impress from the very beginning.
The soundtrack of your life
Visualize the following scenarios:
In a huge stadium, 100,000 pairs of eyes are fixedly watching a man’s silhouette backlit on a darkened stage. He is all shadow but for two white socks and a silver glove touching the brim of his hat. With the music thumping and colored lights flashing, the crowd is whipped into a frenzy as Michael Jackson flips his hat aside and moonwalks across the stage.
A grand chapel is packed with worshippers. From high above, colored light streams through soaring stained glass windows. The massive pipe organ issues resonant chords of a rousing hymn. The last notes fade into a dramatic pause. A charismatic minister booms out the opening words of his sermon, echoed by a choir of a hundred voices.
A standing room only crowd fills a large auditorium and claps along with the pounding bass line of an energizing pop song. Thick white smoke pours from the smoke machines at either side of the stage. Motivational speaker Anthony Robbins bounds onto the stage to thunderous applause and captivates the crowd from his first sentence.
Milton Hershkowitz, certified public accountant, walks into his office at 8:59 am. He hears the sound of his secretary’s fingers clattering across the keyboard. A photocopier hums in the distance. Milton drags his chair from under his desk and plops himself down. The chair squeaks. Milton reaches for the report at the top of his in box, breathes a sigh with a slight whistle through his nose, and begins to read, unaware that a few dandruff flakes have dropped onto the cover page.
So where do you score on the Jackson-Hershkowitz scale? Are you like the King of Pop, or do you rate closer to our nondescript pencil pusher?
I realize that most of us cannot hook up a smoke machine in our office, and I understand that good, truly portable theater lighting systems are hard to come by. But Michael Jackson, Anthony Robbins, and the Reverend Flapdoodle all give a lot of thought to setting the stage for their work. Milton Hershkowitz does not. Milton wears the ties his wife Edna buys for him on sale, and he wears shirts with high polyester content because they are easier to care for. He writes with a pen that has the name of a hotel imprinted on it. When Milton pushes open his office door, he does so with his head down and the look of a man resigned to mediocrity.
Every society lady recognizes the importance of making a grand entrance. What sort of entrance do you make?
Unlike Michael Jackson, most of us do not have our own hit records to choose from when making an entrance. We do not have a team of professional sound and lighting technicians to support us as we go about our daily activities. But we all move to our own soundtrack. For some—like Milton Hershkowitz—it is a monotonous and repetitive ho hum … ho hum … ho hum. Others choose more energizing and empowering music to accompany them.
One of my buddies in college was a guy named Vinnie. Vinnie was an Italian-American street kid who dreamed of becoming a doctor. His role model was another Italian-American street kid with big dreams, the Rocky Balboa character portrayed by Sylvester Stallone in the “Rocky” movies. Ten minutes before every exam, Vinnie would play the theme music from “Rocky” in his dorm room. He would crank up the volume full blast and jump up and down while punching the air. He looked like a madman! When the music stopped he would grab his book bag and run—run—to the examination hall. Vinnie was absolutely convinced this ritual pumped him up completely and motivated him to perform at his best.
Music is a stimulus we perceive and respond to, and it affects us just as emotions and visual cues affect us. Dentists use music to relax their patients. Restaurants use music to get people to order more food. Boutiques use music to get shoppers to buy more. Notice how effectively music is employed in movies to create a certain mood. Music is routinely used to suggest suspense, horror, angst, romance, joy, sorrow, and the entire spectrum of human emotion. In some instances, music is more moving than words or images. It is a powerful tool in the hands of an excellent communicator, yet one which most people rarely use.
How can we use “music” to set the stage for ourselves and positively affect the way others perceive us? There are two ways. The first is the obvious way, the way Michael Jackson and other people who work from a stage use it—by playing it audibly in our environment. This is not realistic for most of us. But if you did have the opportunity to play uplifting music as part of your life’s soundtrack, what kind would you choose? Why not play it to yourself?
This is the second way of using music to affect the way others respond to us. By “playing” music for ourselves—whether loudly, as my friend Vinnie did, or silently within our mind—we affect our own internal state. Remember that perception results from the interaction between our internal state and our environment. When we change our internal state through music or some other means we change the way we feel about ourselves, we change the way we interact with our environment, and we change the way others perceive and respond to us.
Now this business of playing music in your head to affect the way others perceive you may sound abstract, so let’s make it more concrete. It is clear that music can motivate us. Athletes get charged up when they hear their team’s fight song. Even the cheering of their fans can be music to their ears. Soldiers similarly respond to various bugle calls. Some music is deemed suitable for driving. The clichés are Steppenwolf’s “Born to be Wild” for motorcycles and Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” for helicopters, but there is plenty of room for indulging personal tastes when driving a car. I have rarely been on a sailboat when Jimmy Buffet tunes were not played. Any frenetic activity depicted on film is invariably accompanied by Katchaturian’s “Sabre Dance.” In “The Seven Year Itch”, Marilyn Monroe’s character was wooed by a cad playing Rachmaninoff. Ravel’s “Bolero” was made popular for seduction purposes by Bo Derek in the movie “10.” How do others change their perception of you and respond to your motivated state? Ideally, the other team turns on their heels, the enemy army retreats, and other drivers get out of your way!
How can this music strategy work for Milton Hershkowitz? Imagine at 8:59 am Milton is “playing” some music or thoughts in his head which he feels is rousing. He walks purposefully into his office with his head held high and greets his secretary in a warm, confident voice. He plays this music, thinks these thoughts, and adopts this state every time he enters a room, gets out of his car, or approaches another person. He hears this music when the telephone rings, and he answers with a strong and friendly voice. He is introduced to a new client, and he cues up the music while shaking hands authoritatively. In short, nearly every interaction and potential interaction is accompanied by an empowering soundtrack. Won’t the people he comes into contact with have a more favorable impression of him? Won’t he have a more favorable impression of himself?
This soundtrack need not be real music. It can be a thought, an image, or a feeling, alone or in combination with other images, feelings, or sounds that produce an empowered state. For example, Milton can put a “smiley face” sticker on his telephone to remind himself to smile when he picks up a call so as to sound friendly rather than gruff. He can imagine that every door he passes through is a portal to a new challenge or opportunity, and gird himself up to meet it. He can imagine his family cheering him on to his best performance as he tears through a spreadsheet. The soundtrack is a metaphor for putting ourselves into a powerful state designed to bring out our best self. How we do it—through music, images, or feelings—is entirely up to us.
It’s time for work again, Milton. And remember: It’s showtime!
Summary
Perception is the way we interpret sensory information to make sense of our world. We all do this in our own unique way, through our own mental processes, filters, and emotions. This makes life more colorful and interesting, but it makes communication problematic. Knowing that others perceive the world through their own lenses, you can use your awareness of the perception process to minimize misunderstandings and communicate more effectively. You can also seek to favorably influence the perceptions others have of you. You can take advantage of the primacy and halo effects to create a good first impression. And you can improve the way others see you—and the way you see yourself—by choosing an upbeat and empowering soundtrack for your life.