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Don’t be fooled; counseling is an “art.” Or should I say, effective counseling is an art. Effective counseling is one of the most powerful tools to create a harmonious workplace and foster cooperation among employees. Sadly, few managers employ this tool.

Like it or not, counseling is just one of the many roles a manager performs in his or her daily duties and those managers that ignore this fact will be dealing with one crisis after another. Since most managers are promoted to that position because they are good at whatever it is they do, few are ever trained in how to effectively counsel, or manage, their most valuable asset - their people.

You’re counseling whether you know it or not – so why not learn how to use this tool effectively.

Traditional managers don’t bother with counseling. They are willing to spend time and effort on preventive maintenance for equipment, but will neglect their most valuable asset in this area. They either feel they don’t have time, are too afraid, or just don’t know how. When forced, they stumble through and will usually make a difficult situation worse.

I’ve had people say, “I’m not therapist, I’m not a priest, and I don’t have time to hold somebody’s hand.”

And damn it, I agree! I’m not a therapist either, nor am I a priest, and I certainly don’t have time to hold people’s hands, especially at work. But that’s not what counseling is about.

Success in business is all about relationship and communication is probably the most important “tool” in any relationship. Without effective communication, even two healthy, loving people will not make it. Remember, you have the right to be heard, to express yourself – your opinions, your feelings, your values. Your wants and needs are important. You deserve respect for who you are. By giving respect to others, you are more deserving of respect for yourself. By valuing others – you’re more likely to be valued in return. When you honor others – you honor yourself.

Counseling is one human being taking the time and making the effort to understand and relate to another human being. Everyone has problems, and strangely enough, everyone has answers to their problems. Most people just want to bitch, or have someone validate what they’re thinking, or they don’t want to do what they already know they should do and just need encouragement.

People need someone to talk to. Usually, all I really need to do is listen. If they just have someone to talk to, people will resolve their own issues ninety-percent of the time. When people hear their own thoughts spoken aloud, they find it easier to discern if their thoughts are realistic, silly, rational, self-destructive, or just plain stupid. It’s amazing how quickly the best idea of the century can turn into the most ridiculous idea once I actually say it out loud to someone. Most of the time, people don’t even expect feedback or advice.

I’ve also learned I must be careful with advice – most people don’t want it even when they ask for it, and the people who do want it usually are looking for an escape route. If they take sound advice and then screw it all up some other way, they can always come back and blame me.

But why would anyone want to talk to me, their manager, about their problems? I’m nobody special. I’m not their spouse, their brother or their sister – I’m not even their friend? And that’s why they will talk to me – I’m not their friend.

NOTE: For me to be effective as manager, my employees must understand that I am not their friend. I respect, care for, and may even love my employees, but only on a “human being” level. If this line gets crossed, I can no longer be effective to either them or myself.

Friends will not always be honest, especially if they believe it will hurt me. Friends will support me to the point of enabling me, because they think they’re helping me. Friends will minimize my responsibility and see me as a victim. Friends will want to rescue me. WOW, aren’t friends great?

Spouses and other family members behave a lot like friends, but they also judge, criticize, and have better ideas. Also, both friends and family are good at remembering. What may have seemed like a good idea at the time makes for delightful dinner conversation one, five, ten, or even twenty years from today.

In what I call a ”Open Heaven*” work environment, my goal, as manager, is to be seen by my staff as someone they can come to with their problems, ideas, concerns, and gripes – someone who will listen and not judge. Someone they can “bounce stuff” off of and not be laughed at. Someone they can forget and not worry about when they leave at the end of the day. Because I’m no one “special” they don’t have to avoid me, be embarrassed or uncomfortable, or feel ashamed when they do something stupid. I don’t bring what they do at work to their home or social life. In a sense, I’m anonymous.

As manager, I am always counseling every employee to some extent. Whether in my office, on the floor, or in the field, every time I speak to one of my people I need to be speaking as a counselor.

*NOTE: “Open Heaven” is a term I use for the work environment I strive to engineer as manager. Like it or not, the manager engineers the work environment his or her employees operate in. Engineer a safe, positive, pro-active, and collaborative environment and employees will excel. They become career-minded instead of job-minded, self-managing, and vested in the success of the business.

Engineer a negative, authoritarian environment and employees will become adversaries.

Increasing Human Understanding

As already stated, communication is the most important tool in any relationship, but effective communication is not possible in relationships where defensiveness and confrontation become a behavior. When a sense of inferiority drives me, I will feel viciously competitive and will feel easily attacked. When I feel attacked or confronted communication about my real feelings, both positive and negative, is avoided and masked. The result of ineffective communication is an eventual destruction of the relationship. This is why it is extremely important for each member of the relationship to become aware of his or her style of communicating.

The sad fact is, even the most intelligent and talented people have difficulty effectively communicating what they want to convey. One of the purposes of increasing human understanding is to develop constructive and effective ways of sharing and dealing with both positive and negative emotional reactions. Too much of our effort in life is aimed at changing others so we can be happy. We must use that effort to change ourselves from within to be happy.

(concept #1)

If I change me, I find I lose the need to change others.

Tips on understanding others

1) When a person says or does something and it causes me to react in a certain way, I need to understand that just because I reacted in this way doesn’t mean the other person intended me to act this way. The other person’s intentions may very well be completely different from the way I perceived them. People often misspeak or mishear and when this happens, motivation usually gets misinterpreted. When motivation is misinterpreted, communication is stifled. Most people have difficulty explaining even their best intentions in a way for them to be understood.

2) Feelings (emotions) have no concept of right or wrong, good or bad, justified or not. Rational thinking and logic do not govern feelings. It is important to understand and respect that, no matter what the reason; the feelings another person has are real. It is also important that these feelings be effectively reported at the time they are experienced and do not imply blame or fault.

3) No one sees another as they really are. We see others the way we “perceive” them to be, and we perceive others as a direct result of the way we view the world. By sharing feelings in a relationship, two people have an opportunity to discover how each perceives the other, which is far more important.

4) In sharing feelings, DO NOT assume that you know what the other person is really like. Until you live their lifetime in their shoes, you cannot know what motivates another person. A person’s behavior is often relative to what they think you expect from them and does not necessarily reflect their true feelings.

People do not behave the same around all people and in all circumstances. In fact, most people act differently depending on whom they are with and what they are doing. The behavior you witness does not mean that’s what they are like all the time. People act quite differently at work than they do at home, or at church, or out with friends, or with strangers.

(concept #2)

No one sees reality the way reality really is

We see it the way we are

“We only see reality the way we are?” To go a step further, we only see others from our view of who they are. As you can imagine, others do not see you as you see yourself; so do not assume that you see others the way they see themselves.

5) In communicating effectively, it is important to share information openly and honestly, and to relate your feeling to a specific behavior or incident. This gives the other person the best understanding of what led you to your feelings. When you share, “I feel important and loved when you call me in the middle of the day just to say, ‘Hi,’” the other person learns a specific behavior which pleases you and gains insight into what motives you. When you only share, “You make me feel important and loved,” the other person may feel good, but doesn’t gain wisdom on how to recreate or continue the experience.

6) Realize that your feelings about another person’s behavior often differ from your feelings about the person himself. Even good well-meaning people make mistakes which can result in pain. A person you like and consider a friend can unwittingly say something hurtful. This doesn’t mean they are now a thoughtless and hurtful person. There is a significant difference between saying, “I felt disrespected when you laughed at my suggestion,” and “You are a hurtful and disrespectful person.” The former is constructive – the latter is blameful.

7) When we misinterpret another’s words or deeds we mistakenly jump to conclusions as to their motives. Since we have already established that we do not know what another person is really like, it also makes sense that neither can we really know their motives. It is much more effective to discuss your reaction since your reaction is all you really know.

8) Holding resentment for either a real or perceived hurt in a relationship is death to intimacy and damaging to the relationship. It begins to eat away at the positive aspects of the relationship by blocking effective communication. Holding resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It doesn’t work; it just eats you alive from the inside out.

9) Step back and see the big picture. People often allow a relationship to be damaged by some small unsettling detail – (throwing out the baby with the bathwater). Ask yourself, “is this detail really worth losing the relationship?” “Do I really want a divorce because she squeezes the toothpaste from the top?”

When I am understanding and compassionate about other’s feelings and perspectives, I am much better able to communicate with others and receive understanding and compassion in return. I am less likely to misinterpret other’s words or actions as malevolent or threatening.

Unfortunately, few people know how to communicate effectively. There are basically five levels of communication. Few people rarely achieve a level where they are really sharing anything of themselves. Since I want my relationships to be healthy, to grow and prosper, it behooves me to understand these levels and become adept at using them appropriately.

The Levels of Communication

Level 1 - Artificial Communication: At this level I don’t reveal anything about me. We talk about sports, the weather, the latest news. I’m not investing anything in this conversation and I’m certainly not sharing anything about myself that can be judged. This is the casual kind of conversation you might have waiting at the carwash.

Level 2 - Gossiping about Others: At this level, we converse about others. We still don’t share anything about ourselves. We remain safe and secure behind our wall of nondisclosure.

Level 3 - Beliefs and Ideas: At this level we begin to open ourselves up to one another’s scrutiny. We share what we “think” about things, but carefully evaluate the other’s reaction to make sure they approve. If the other person does approve, then I will continue sharing a little more of that which makes me me. If at any time I sense the other individual is disapproving, I will revert to level 1 or 2.

Level 4 - How I Feel about Things: At this level, we are finally opening up and becoming vulnerable. My feelings are what most define me as an individual. No one feels exactly the same way I do about exactly the same thing. If I sense disapproval now, I will most likely retreat and may never open up to you at this level again.

Level 5 - Authentic Communication: At this level we open up with complete honesty and become most vulnerable. Sadly, few relationships experience this highest level of communication.

As stated, most people will only become vulnerable and open themselves up to scrutiny if the other party is approving and reciprocates. The normal progression in ascending the five levels starts when one person shares a little about themselves and then watches to see whether the other person will react or respond in kind.

If the other person reacts negatively (showing disapproval) then the progression stops or even reverses. If on the other hand, the other person responds in kind, the progression continues with each person taking turns sharing a little more each time as they ascend through the levels. But remember, if one reacts in a negative way during any time, the progression stops and at times will even reverse.

If I know that most people will only become vulnerable and open themselves up to scrutiny if the other party is approving and reciprocates, I can “kick start” this process by being open and vulnerable myself. If, when the other person opens up, I am approving and not judgmental, I make it easy for the other person to talk to me. Even if I am not in agreement with what they are saying, I must make it “safe” for them to say it.

With healthy communication comes intimacy and with intimacy comes mutual respect, trust, and dignity. This allows each of us to identify with the other no matter how different we may be.

When we stop judgments, prejudices, defensiveness, and fear, we communicate on the Fifth Level and become real – authentic as human beings. All our energy and focus can then be applied to the task at hand. When we communicate effectively, problems become more readily solvable, relationships are healthier, and stress is reduced or eliminated altogether.

Effective Listening

Nothing shows validation and respect more than listening. Unfortunately, most of us are too busy planning what we want to say next to listen effectively and we lose much of the meaning others are trying to convey. When I really listen to what you have to say I am validating that you are important – your opinions, thoughts, and ideas.

Hearing and listening are two separate things. When I hear something – I am a spectator. When I listen – I participate. Listening is an art which must be cultivated if it is to be effective.

*******

Chapter 2

Guidelines for Counseling

Guidelines
Stay on Track
Give Them the Power

As counselor, my objective is to communicate with whomever I am meeting with on an open and honest level. This best facilitates creativity and effectivity. If both of us feel safe to be open and honest with one another, we will get to the heart of the matter more quickly, not beat around the bush.

My goal for a session is simply:

identify the problem,
identify the affect the problem creates,
get out of the problem and into the solution, and
initiate the solution.

If an individual feels safe and comfortable with me they will initiate sessions with me before problems become crisis. They will be quick to share a problem and be open to insight on the effect the problem may produce, or has already produced, within the individual and the department. They will be more open to solution suggestions and more willing to accept advice. This is the main objective of “Open Heaven.”

I must have the individual participate in the process instead of just expecting me to “fix” the problem for them, and in participating; they will take “ownership” of the solution. With ownership, they become responsible for following through. This process also gives them practice in problem solving which means they will become more adept and less dependent on me.

As manager, I want to be careful not to do anything for an individual that they should be doing for themselves. If they do not know how to do something, I need to teach them. This process is more time consuming in the beginning, but pays off a hundred fold in the long run. The individual will eventually learn how to self-manage, which will create confidence, inspire passion, and generate effectivity.

To employ “Open Heaven” and be effective in my role as counselor, I must utilize certain concepts, principles, and techniques. If I am able to keep in mind the “guidelines for increasing human understanding,” effective communication skills, CORE Competencies, and what motivates the individual, I can skillfully guide him or her to solve their own problems. This gives them the power instead of me. (Remember: as long as I retain the power, they will continue to come to me and defer personal responsibility)

Does this sound like manipulation? Your right – it is manipulation!!! It is a process of “subliminal manipulation” in which the objective is to help an individual learn how to help themselves. This is where my roles as Counselor and Mentor complement one another. As stated earlier, most people already know the answers but often need assistance in recognizing or accepting the answers. If I can assist your growth as a human being by manipulating you into broadening your perception of reality and helping you to become more self-aware, you mature mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and professionally.

Let’s explore some techniques for facilitating a successful counseling session. The first thing I want to do is:

Set the stage

In nearly all sessions, I will arrange the chairs so the other person sits between me and the door. He or she is more likely to feel relaxed and open because they have an escape route. If I am between them and the door they could feel defensive or trapped. Of course, this is on a subconscious level, but even on this level it will affect attitude, participation, and receptivity.

If I am meeting with more than one person at a time, I arrange the chairs so each individual is equal distances from every other individual, and again, I give them an escape route. Sitting with one person closer to me than the other, the person sitting closer may tend to feel in alliance with me or in favor while the person farther away may feel like an outsider or neglected. If their chairs are across from me or closer together, they may subconsciously feel in alliance with each other and need to defend themselves against me.

I make sure I sit at the same level as they sit. Once again, if my seat is higher than theirs, they may subconsciously feel a sense of inferiority or defensiveness, and thus, will be less receptive to what I have to say. If my seat is lower, they may feel in control or superior and may judge my suggestions with less distinction. (NOTE: There will be times when I may wish to sit a little higher, such as in a “Come to Jesus” meeting.)

No distractions. I want everyone at the meeting to focus on the meeting. If I have a radio, I make sure it’s off. I turn my monitor off. Information and screen savers are distracting. If I have windows, which open onto an active office or street, I pull the blinds. I do not want any toys on the coffee table (no stress relieving “squeeze balls” or “turn over and watch the colored oil drip to the bottom” or “watch the medal balls bang each other back-and-forth” toys). These invite distraction especially for someone who is nervous.

They’re important – let them know they are.

I want to let them know that what is about to transpire is important – that they are important. I wait until they enter, I welcome them, shake their hand, ask them to sit down, and then I apologize while I take a second to mute my phone, ask my secretary to hold my calls, and turn off my cell. I purposely wait until they are seated and situated – I want them to see what I am doing. This validates that I am going to give them my full and undivided attention.

Only one person speaks at a time.

I only allow one person to speak at a time. Sometimes, I may need to verbally set this boundary before a meeting, especially if there is more than just one other person present.

It is important that I do not allow one person to talk over another. Often when an individual is excited or defensive, he or she can’t wait to interject or clarify certain points or positions. But unless controlled, this behavior “shuts down” effective communication, causes resentment, and blocks creativity. As facilitator, I must demand respect of every person’s rights and boundaries. Invariably, the person who becomes intimidated to speak often has the best ideas but doesn’t share them.

“Excuse me, John, would you please hold onto that thought? We want to hear what you have to say, but Joan was speaking and I would like to hear her out as well.”

Usually, it only takes once or twice before a person “gets the idea.” The practice demonstrated in the example: 1) reminds John of the rights of others without him losing face, 2) recognizes Joan’s rights, 3) validates that Joan is an essential participant in the meeting, and 4) conveys to others that they will be received with respect.

When meeting with just one other person, this is usually not a problem. The only time I have found this really happens is when the other person is excited or defensive. In this situation, I let them talk until they get it all out and then reply. If they interrupt, I say, “Just a second.”…. “Now breath.”… “Please, let me speak.” And if that doesn’t work, I say, “Ok, listen. I do not want you to say anything, just listen. Ok?”

Each time they interrupt again, I hold my hand up (palm down) and repeat, “Breath.”

The trick is to not allow myself to be “triggered” into getting frustrated, or angry, or feeling discounted.

Practice rigorous honesty.

I make it a point to be honest in all my dealings with my employees. If even one member of staff were to catch me not being totally honest, there goes my credibility and trust in the department. But that isn’t why I’m honest.

I’ve learned that by being open and honest in all my dealings, and by making a conscious effort to be the best person I can be each day, I have nothing to feel bad about, nothing to regret, and nothing to hide. I can live with me. I sleep soundly at night and I like that.

When I practice rigorous honesty (and it is a practice), I make it a point to come from a position of love and respect. I’ve found that a person can be honest in a way that either hurts or offers healing. I choose to offer healing.

Guide – Don’t Control.

I make it a point not to tell another person what to do. When told what to do, it no longer becomes that person’s choice, responsibility, purpose, or passion. The “art” in counseling is in guiding an individual through a series of questions and suggestions, assisting him or her to develop insight which will enable them to discern the answers on their own.

Using “subliminal manipulation,” I guide my employee in discovering where they are, where they want to go, the options of how to get where they want to go, who will be affected and how, which option is the best option, and what is the best way to implement that option.

Solicit thoughts, opinions, critiques, comments, and concerns.

Where? How? Who? Which? What?

I want each employee to feel safe to express whatever he or she is feeling excited about, concerned over, dreading, or is unhappy with. When I have information, I can affect changes. When I am given information I must look at it as valuable, even when I don’t like it, especially when I don’t like it.

Once, an employee questioned standards and expressed dislike with them. Knowing our standards thoroughly, I revaluated our standards with him, explaining the reasoning and need behind each one. He thoroughly understood my explanation, but continued to disagree. I respected his opinion and didn’t judge him. He made a few valid points that enabled me to view our standards in a way I hadn’t before.

This gave me valuable information and ended up being an important learning experience for us both. Reexamining my department’s standards, I realized a few changes should probably be initiated. I thanked him for his insight, and with input from staff, changes were made.

The most important thing I learned is that nothing is sacred – even standards – and that everything should be periodically reevaluated and should remain flexible enough to grow with staff and the department.

The changes made by staff were not enough to satisfy this person. What he learned is that he did not want to adhere to such standards, and thus, would be unhappy working with us. I understood and sincerely wished him success in his next endeavor. (He eventually found a home which suits him and is successful and happy. We still stay in touch.)

Identify, clarify, and understand.

The first thing I need to accomplish in any session is to get a clear understanding of the issue. If I don’t know what we’re talking about, the meeting wanders, time is wasted, and nothing gets decided. When each party has a clear understanding of the issue, information can be discovered, solutions and affects revealed, and decisions made. I want to ask questions and give and get feedback.

Ask open-ended questions.

Asking open-ended questions prompts the other to talk. Yes and no questions give little information. “Who,” “what,” “when,” “where,” and “how” questions solicit more information, enabling me to clarify an issue. “Why” questions solicit opinion rather than facts so I usually avoid them unless I’m actually looking for the person’s opinion. “Yes” and “No” questions solicit very limited answers and very limited information.

Learn to love the silence

I speak, and when I’m finished talking I ask a question and then I shut-up. I wait for a response. Many times there will be an awkward silence as the other person formulates a response, or is thinking. If I interject, then in effect I nullify my question and distract the other person.

Most people get very uncomfortable, and will even begin to sweat, during an awkward silence. Their first impulse is to break the tension by saying something that is often defocused from the subject.

Most times when there is an extended awkward silence it is because the other person is being untruthful or is caught off guard and trying to figure out a way to cover his or her butt. If I feel so uncomfortable that I add or interject something, the other person gets off the hook and has time to formulate a lie.

If I learn to love the silence, I can stay relaxed and objective. I know that whatever the other person is going to say next is going to be something important. Whether it is a well thought out idea or a lie, I’m about to gain valuable information. Sometimes a lie is even more valuable than the truth because it tells me where the other person’s head and heart are.

Many times I’ve found that the building tension caused by an extended time-out provokes the truth to be spoken.

Stay on track

Have you ever met with someone to discuss a particular subject and afterward realize that the two of you talked about everything but that subject? Recognizing when a person is either consciously or subconsciously manipulating the conversation to redirect the meeting is invaluable.

When counseling, keep the focus on the subject. Keep the focus on them. Don’t allow them to redirect focus or defocus. When an individual becomes uncomfortable with a subject they often tend to manipulate redirection onto another person or subject (“But I saw John…” or “But whenever I do this, this other thing happens…”). Sometimes this manipulation is deliberate, but it is often also subconscious.

If I believe a person is purposely attempting redirection, this tells me they are hiding something from me. If I believe their redirection attempt is subconscious, I sense there is something this person wants to tell me, but doesn’t know how. In this case, I need to put them at ease and assist them in letting it out.

I keep in mind the issue and block their attempt at redirection by simply saying, “I’m not going there,” and then shut up.

Example: I ask John to make a list of referrals and give it to Susan so she can make the calls before Friday. Susan didn’t get the list, so no calls were made.

Me: “John, why didn’t you give Susan the list of referrals?”

John: “Last time Susan made the calls she didn’t…”

Me: “I’m not going there. That’s not what I asked.”

John: “Susan usually waits until the reports are…”

Me: “I said I’m not going there.” (then I shut up)

John: “Stephanie reminded me…”