Introduction: This paper was written as a school assignment. The assignment was to write a modest proposal. The proposal had to be a very serious issue in America today and a ridiculous solution to fix the problem. The modest proposal that the students were to base their own off of was the Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift. The hot topics that would be chosen the most were things like poverty, the economy, war, and other things that don't matter to anyone. So I felt that it was my duty to face the elephant in the room that others dare not discuss. Loitering. The following essay was read aloud to Joel Riebel's tenth grade honors English II class verbatim.
Much Ado about Doing Nothing
By: Joel Riebel
Disclaimer: I do not take any responsibility….. ever. Cry about it.
Loitering is the number one result of doing nothing. Day in and day out millions of loiterers litter the streets of America. Loiterers inspire the general public to do nothing with their lackadaisical behavior spreading their disease. According to a survey in 2006 done by the Regional Association of Pedophilia Enthusiasts, in 70% of all cases of loitering the offender is guilty of at least three of the following:
Soliciting prostitution
Waiting for the rest of their “gang”
Dealing illegal substances (crack)
Being irritating
Talking on the phone with obnoxious volume
Begging
Waiting for a weaker mugging victim
Stalking
Street miming
Public inebriation
Thinking dangerous anti-government thoughts (communist thoughts in particular)
Double dipping
Juggling
Wearing doomsday signs
Tying their shoes
Smelling funny
“Getting down” with one’s self. (slang for obtaining crack)
Arson
Dicking around
Adding things to a already long list
Other shenanigans that could possibly put someone's eye out
These activities are
the roots of all crimes. By removing loiterers criminals cannot plan
a robbery, vandalize public property or congregate in large gangs and
start riots. Citizens in New York will no longer need to fear walking
the streets after dark. Police can catch whatever suspect they need
to with greater ease. Emergency vehicles could get to where they need
to be instead of being slowed down by careless loiterers. You can
finally find the droids you are looking for. If loiterers were to be
stopped, imagine how much better society would become. If loitering
were to be stopped in America, the crime rate would be the lowest of
any country in the world. Our children would live in a crime free
environment. Think of the children.
My proposal? What brilliant
plan could stop this madness? My proposal is to stop these heathens.
My proposal is to save America. My proposal is to cover the ground
with millions of banana peels.
How will this help? As you may
know, banana peels are one of the slipperiest substances available.
By covering the ground with banana peels, the ground will become too
slippery to stand upon. Therefore making the act of loitering an
impossible task. My proposal will benefit society in a variety of
ways.
According to behavioral scientists at Massachusetts's
Institute of Time-wasters, people who loiter are
unemployed 90.6% of the time. Since these people can no longer loiter
they will be forced to do something. Chances are that something will
be productive. Chances are that something productive will be getting
a job. QED. The sudden spike in employment will boost America's
economy and nationalism.
My plan will also reduce obesity.
Dietitians have calculated that people will burn 136% more calories
trying to walk on banana peels than simple concrete. A reduce in
people with obesity means that the number of people with health
effects that are linked to being overweight such as: heart disease,
stroke, diabetes, colon cancer, ovarian cancer, rectal cancer,
prostate cancer, elbow cancer, toe nail cancer, hat cancer, cervical
cancer, breast cancer, sleep apnea, and gout; will drop.
Stanford
economist Dan Gray has predicted that the massive importation of
banana peels would have to come from Ecuador. Ecuador is the only
country that exports enough bananas to supply my plan's demand for
banana peels. Gray predicts that the importation of bananas will
boost Ecuador's local economy. This in turn will lower the price of
bananas for the United States. This would also introduce Ecuador into
the average American’s geographical knowledge of the world outside
the United States make it a more desirable tourist destination for
Americans.
The near frictionless environment will improve the
general publics’ understanding of physics and geometry. This is due
to judging their trajectory without friction to slow them down.
Physicist, mathematician, astronomer, natural philosopher, alchemist,
and theologian Sir. Isaac Newton contributing founder of calculus had
this to say, “A human in motion will stay in motion and a banana
peel at rest will stay at rest unless the human acted upon by the
reduction in friction from the banana peel will result in a slightly
diminishing velocity.” Newton went on to say, “I believe that the
public will soon discover on their own with a banana as I did with an
apple.”
I have even conducted a test run of my idea in a
controlled environment with loitering enthusiast Frank Willis. He has
paid 49 loitering fees this last year. After spending Four hours
attempting to loiter he gave up trying to do nothing and was inspired
to do something, confirming my theory. Two weeks later Frank was a
new man. He had decided to become a doctor and he had found three
cures for cancer.
As with any brilliant plan there will be
skeptics and those who say nay. However I can see their concern and I
would like to address their questions that were sent to me by
mail.
One main concern with my plan was, “Why can't loiterers
be sent to jail or be given fine as they always have been?” The
punishment for loitering cannot teach loiterers a lesson. After all
in jail all they can do is loiter. Fines are inadequate. Just think,
does speeding still occur even if the speeder is given a ticket? The
answer to that riddle is yes. Loiterers will stop at nothing to do
nothing. That is why the only way to stop a loiterer is to make
loitering physically impossible.
“How will I get to work?”
Was another frequently asked question. As you may have been
wondering, “How will cars work in this environment blessed with
banana peels?” They won't. That is why I propose that we use boats
to travel across the peels. This in itself will eliminate all car
crashes, a 100% decrease in pollution from cars, people would no
longer complain about high gas prices, and I wouldn’t have to
listen to them. In addition to this I have consulted with physics
professor Drephen Gawking. Professor Gawking believes that all
buildings will become handicapped accessible do to the banana peels.
“Paraplegics will be able to slide up or down any sets of stairs
covered in bananas, all they would need is some rope and a
respectable amount of upper body strength” Was his
explanation.
Another concern was, “What will happen in the
winter when the snow covers the bananas?” Loitering is a very
seasonal crime. During the winter there is a temperature drop and
most people find this unpleasant. Loiterers simply do not like doing
nothing in the cold. In fact there is a ratio that can determine the
number of loiterers per square kilometer to the current temperature.
For every 10° f decrease from 80° f there will be a 19.85% decrease
in loiterers per square kilometer.
For more information I
consulted with a current expert in the immobile arts. His name is
Pisaster Ochraceus but you may know him as Patrick Star. He
told me that some loiterers are more resilient than others. “There
are a select few loiterers that have nothing to do with their life
other than crawl out of the rock that they are living under and do
nothing with their life.” He said. “When their only ritual is
threatened they dig their heels in and fight.” They fight by doing
nothing with a more distinct purpose no matter what temperature. They
do nothing with a passionate fever of ....” He stopped apparently
caught up in a loitering trance. I then proceeded to arrest him and
called the police. He did bring up an interesting point however. I
propose that in the winter months that cities flood the sidewalks
with water so that it will freeze and provide a substitute for banana
peels.
A big concern was, “Who will pay for the bananas?”
The government will pay for the first year of bananas as part of the
agreement reached with Ecuador. Then the U.S. will receive shipments
of banana peels from the rest of the world for free. Other countries
have no use for banana peels. Depending on future negotiations other
countries may even have to pay the United States to take their banana
peels.
“What will happen when we run out of bananas?” In the
unlikely event of such an occurrence we would need a material to
replace banana peels. This material would need to be lubricating,
natural, plentiful, and preferably cheap. I propose as a stage two of
my plan, in the event that banana peels suddenly run out, that the
U.S. make people masturbate onto the street. The government could
ensure a steady supply by creating a sperm-tax. This new form of tax
could not only prevent people from loitering but it would make people
a little less worried about their taxes. It would render clothing
optional. If people were “paying their taxes” on the street it
would make the aesthetic use of clothing pointless.
Umbrella
sales would go up in big cities because some people wouldn't want to
go down four stories to masturbate when they could do so from the
comfort of their own window (This could also result in the invention
of a new sport for tax payers involving aiming at people from
multiple stories high). For this reason I think that cites should
invest in more effective black light, light bulbs for street lamps.
As a result of the lack of clothing skin cancer may become an
issue. Therefore sunscreen technology will become more effective. Due
to the lack of people loitering and the increase in employed people
and therefore doctors; someone will most likely come up with a cure
for a skin cancer.
Another benefit of stage two of my plan is
that children in America will no longer require sexual education
classes. Youths will learn at an early age what sex is all about.
This will not only prevent that awkward talk with their parents, but
I have conducted a series of tests that consistently suggest that
rape cases involving people who did not have the talk or any sort of
sex Ed. early on, will drop.
Some minor questions were:
“Won't the banana peels rot and smell?”
No, after three weeks the peel starts to decay and smell. The old peels will be shipped back to Ecuador to fertilize the next crop of bananas before they start to smell.“What about the banana spiders?”
They will be just fine.“What if I am allergic to bananas?”
I am not asking you to eat the peels. Think of it this way, if being around banana peels makes you break out in hives, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.“What if I slip, fall, and injure myself?”
Then go to the hospital. Future hospitals will have rapidly improving methods of treating such injuries from treating so many patients with the same type of injury.“What happens when all of the “taxes” get to be piled up too high on the streets?”
Tax rebates.
The reason I propose my two stage plan is only to improve society. Not because I have any unfair prejudice against loiterers but merely because I have noticed that the removal of the evil sloths from society can do nothing but good things. To approve my plan is to:
Reduce crime rates
Improve America's and Ecuador's economy
Reduce obesity
Improve America’s tourism
Educate the general public in the fields of physics and geometry
Improve medical technology
Make all buildings handicapped accessible
Cure cancer and other diseases
Eliminate all car pollution
Eliminate all car crashes
Remove loiterers from our society.
On December 31, 2012 the first shipment in banana peels will arrive at your local post office. You can help unload banana peels over your town. Think of the lives of countless children you will have changed for the better. You will have made your community a safer one.
I am not high.
Conclusion: Many of the students fell into a state of shock which they claimed was a reaction to Joel Riebel saying masturbate in school. Some others thought Joel was trying to give the teacher a heart attack (added bonus). Most laughed (in a desperate attempt to hide their surprise). However the real reason was because they were not ready to face the utter brilliance and veracity of Joel's brain child. The truth is they had been forced to live with the prospect of loiterers ruining their lives. They thought that loiterers were going to destroy America and that there was nothing they could do about it. When they heard Joel's modest proposal they were in denial. Joel understands if you, the reader, feel overwhelmed by his masterpiece. Hopefully you can re-assimilate to life in order to enjoy the prospect of one day in the near future, not having to cope with the terrible burden that is loitering. Joel will accept Nobel Peace prizes when America is ready for safety.
You’re Welcome America