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Don’t Let ’Em Treat You Like A GIRL™
A Woman’s Guide to Leadership Success
(Tips from the Guys)
By:
Liz Weber
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http://www.DontLetEmTreatYouLikeAGirl.com
Copyright ©2010 by Elizabeth J. Weber, Weber Business Services, L.L.C. All rights reserved.
Published by Elizabeth J. Weber at Smashwords.
This book is available in print at www.wbsllc.com and Amazon.
Except for the inclusion of brief quotations in review, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form, without permission, in writing, from the author.
Don’t Let ’Em Treat You Like...™ is a trademark of Elizabeth J. Weber.
ISBN: 1-59109-981-1
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please, purchase an additional copy for each person. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
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Warning – Disclaimer
This publication is designed to provide competent and reliable information regarding the subject matter. However, it is sold with the understanding that the author and publisher are not rendering specific legal, financial, or other professional advice. Laws and practices often vary from state to state; therefore, if you need legal or other expert assistance, seek the services of a professional. The author and publisher specifically disclaim any liability that might be incurred from the use or application of the contents of this book.
Every effort has been made to make this book as accurate as possible. However, mistakes are possible, both typographical and in content. Therefore, this text should be used only as a general guide and not as the ultimate source for professional and leadership behavior. Also, this book contains statistics that have been approved by the originating sources.
It is not the intent of this book to encapsulate all relevant information available on professionalism, body language, business etiquette, communication skills, women’s leader-ship, leadership in general, or any of the topics addressed herein. You are urged to re-search, read, and observe others to learn as much as you can on any of the topics most interesting or most important to you.
This book’s purpose is to educate and entertain. The author and publisher are neither liable nor responsible to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damage caused, or alleged to have been caused, directly or indirectly, by the information contained in this book.
If you do not wish to be bound by the above, you may return the book to the publisher for a full refund.
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Table of Contents
Note to the Reader
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Section 1 – The Background
Why There’s ANOTHER Book on Leadership Success for Women
Changing Times
Tips from the Guys
Sometimes We Get What We Ask for
We ARE Women – But What’s Our JOB?
Oh My Gosh! I’ve Done That!
Section 2 – The Tips
Tip #1 – Figure Out
Tip #2 – It’s a Game. There’s a Strategy. Know the Rules.
Tip #3 – Do the Job
Tip #4 – Don’t Be So Willing to Help
Tip #5 – Get an Attitude
Tip #6 – Not Everyone Will Like You
Tip #7 – Get to the Point
Tip #8 – Stop the “Girly” Behaviors
Tip #9 – Understand Money
Tip #10 – Get Over the Glass Ceiling Thing
Tip #11 – Be an Equal – Not a Belle – Blend “Woman-ness” with Business
What Do Women Really Want?
Conclusion
About the Author
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Professional opportunities for everyone, men and women, are more bountiful than ever. With constantly changing technologies, spin-off and virtual businesses, the opportunities to make your professional dreams a reality are now more possible than ever before. This book’s intent is to help clue you in to the subtle, and not-so-subtle, behavioral traits needed to more effectively interact in a professional arena and to be treated like the professional you are.
Most of my observations, ideas, tips, and suggestions are gained from my years of experience working in male-dominated environments. To help clarify my thoughts for those who struggle with being viewed as a professional equal, I requested and received stories, tips, and words of wisdom from many kind contributors. Their stories and my own are included here to help spur ideas and awareness on how you can better interact professionally with those around you.
I have also included quotations from experts on behavior and leadership, as well as some of my own thoughts. The highlighted comments without attribution are mine.
If after reading the book, and possibly sharing a copy with a friend, you’ve identified and experienced ways not to be treated like a girl, let me know. Send your comments and thoughts to me. Thanks and enjoy.
Liz Weber
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This book is dedicated to my parents, LeRoy and Frances Weber.
To help you understand these two special people, I’ll let my sister Pat’s words describe them for you. Here’s part of her reply to my request for words of wisdom:
Part of growing up in our family was working with Dad. He ran his own business and with so many children, we became his work force. Working with Dad was the most exhilarating and the most frightening experience in the world. I don't think he ever re-ally realized the tremendous impact he made on shaping the work ethic of his children. Dad was a tough taskmaster. He was doing very important work with very inexperienced help. No matter what the particular job on any given day, Dad was the main man and we were the grunts. He expected everyone that worked with him, “to be one step ahead of me.” Until you wised up, it could be a long time until lunch!
Dad had so much common sense that he truly didn't understand why anyone couldn't “get it.” If he was laying pipe in a trench, you were expected to watch him so closely that you could anticipate his next move and have the tool ready for him before he even knew it. Working with Dad was like performing surgery – the teamwork between the doctor and the surgical staff is so critical to a successful operation. That “teamwork” we learned from watching Mom work with Dad. She respected his strengths and he respected hers. They were so busy raising thirteen kids and running their own business that I truly think they “accepted the best” about each other and “forgot the rest” on a daily basis.
Because they had a real zest for life, they both started the day on their knees, then jumped up, and hit the ground at a dead run. Dad always said he couldn't wait to get up every day. Every day was a new adventure. I rarely remember either of them being in a “bad” mood. We, as children, had the gift of being wanted and we felt it. As we became teenagers, my heart goes out to them for having lived through it.
So, I think two things have stuck so tight with me that they are a part of me. One is, “think ahead.” I always try to weave my way through a project considering all possibilities. This trait leaves a trail of its own: pay attention to details; be organized, efficient, and thorough. The second is to consider each day a “new adventure.” As I get older, I realize, it truly is. Each day offers so many possibilities. What we make of our day is our choice.
Thanks Mom and Dad!
I agree. Thanks Mom and Dad.
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I’d like to thank the many contributors who graciously shared their insights: Patti An-fang, Susanne Cardella, Holli Catchpole, Jim Cathcart, Joseph Colucci, Margaret Dun-can, Dan Fisher, Sam Horn, Regina Hott, Terry McGee, Deirdre Morgan, Dr. Sheila Murray-Bethel, Christine Oxley, Robert Oxley, Ed Price, Susana Ramirez, Gina Schreck, Deb Sofield, Colleen Stanley, and Bill Weber. Your input helped this book have the real-person perspective I wanted. The readers and I are indebted to you.
Thank you also to Business Women’s Network, Center for Women’s Business Re-search, National Association for Female Executives, Society for Human Resource Management, and The Employment Policy Foundation for your support.
Special thanks to Pat Anfang, Karen Bitner, Dana Given, Suzanne Harvey, and Frances Weber for your editing talents, and to Dina Snow of Azteca Design for the cover design.
And, as always, thanks Bob. Without your constant support and refocusing talks, this book would not have happened.
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(for those who want it)
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As long as you agree to fulfill a leadership role, accept that responsibility and that challenge. Because in the workplace, that’s the role you want to be judged on – not your “woman-ness.”
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Why There’s ANOTHER Book on Leadership Success for Women
This book is written with the hope that it can help one woman.
A thirty-something woman stopped me after my presentation at the American Business Women’s Association’s National Convention in Albuquerque a few years ago. She had waited quietly, off to one side, while I talked with several attendees. As the crowd thinned, she approached me a bit hesitantly, offered me her fingertips to shake, and said timidly, “I could never do what you do. You’re so confident and powerful. I’m the manager of a real estate office. I work really hard and I’d like to move up in the company, but I don’t have a degree. My manager doesn’t respect me. He says I need to be more professional. I guess I’m not leadership material because I care too much for people. I don’t know what to do.”
I was stunned. In that one interaction, she had done and said so many things that were so fundamentally “girly.” First, the hesitant way she had approached me immediately told me she wasn’t a confident woman. Second, she was limiting herself and her abilities by saying, “I could never do what you do.” With that mindset, she was pre-determining her future. If she was going to limit herself, then she was also going to lose the right to grumble when her current situation never changed. Third, her manager wanted her to be more professional and didn’t seem to respect her. I got the impression she thought it was his responsibility to help her become a “professional.” Wrong. It’s her responsibility – no one else’s – to advance her career. And fourth, why did she think being a leader meant not caring about people? If anything, it’s the complete opposite. Real leaders focus on and develop their people. They realize their employees’ skills and abilities will determine how well their organizations grow. If they expect to grow organizations, they have to develop people. Caring for and developing people is crucial to leadership.
Also, as she had been talking, I had noticed her eyes darted from me to the right, left, down, back to me, then left, and back down. She couldn’t hold eye contact with me. She was an attractive woman, but she accentuated her femaleness more than her professionalism. She had long blonde hair with billowing curls reminiscent of the Farrah Fawcett 1970’s just-tumbled-out-of-bed hairdo. Her chest was covered – well more of it could have been covered – by a white blouse with big ruffles running down the front. She wore a hot-pink suit jacket and a matching hot-pink skirt – tight. She had great legs that were nicely accentuated by the matching three-inch, hot-pink, spiked heels on her feet. What you couldn’t help but notice, whether you were a man or a woman, was her womanly shape. She had a great body and her clothing accentuated every curve. Needless to say, what she accentuated got noticed.
When she asked me what she could do to start earning the respect of her manager and co-workers, my first, unpolished words were, “Stop acting like a girl.” As I said those words, I remembered hearing similar words of wisdom from my dad when I was 24. I had called him for advice as I had prepared to negotiate my first new car purchase. After I had reviewed my research on the car with him, he had said, “You know what to do. Now don’t let ’em treat you like a girl.” When I had heard that, I was shocked. Naively, I had never thought I would be treated differently because I’m female. But Dad’s words had struck a chord with me. He had never said anything like that before, and he had a great deal more experience than I in making major purchases, so there had to be something to this.
As I had absorbed his advice, I realized this comment was his way of telling me: Be an adult. Be smart. Be prepared. Think ahead. Stand your ground. Don’t allow yourself to be ignorant of the facts. Don’t go into this negotiation process unprepared like a naïve girl. Dad wasn’t speaking of sexism per-se. He was telling me I couldn’t act like a girl and expect the sales person to take care of me and to make a good deal for me. If I did, the salesperson would take advantage of me. It wouldn’t be personal; it’d be business. The salesperson’s job is to sell cars at a profit for the dealership. It’s my job as the customer to make an informed purchase.
Now many years later, Dad’s advice was coming from my mouth. This woman hadn’t acted confident; she hadn’t looked terribly professional; and she hadn’t presented her-self as a confident professional. Therefore, she wasn’t being treated as a confident professional. Even if she had dressed more conservatively, she still would have projected “girly-girl” because of her demeanor. She would still be treated like a girl. She would be treated as others viewed her.
Following that exchange, I realized that if this woman wasn’t aware of her “girly” behaviors, other women were probably unaware of theirs too. That could be why so many women are unhappy with their careers and have strained relationships with their male and female colleagues. With that in mind, I contacted everyone in my data base, female and male, as well as many other people, and asked for their insights on what women do that prevents them from being viewed as professionals or as equals in the workplace. What had they done, experienced, seen, or been taught that they could share with others to help women (and some men) no longer act, and therefore, be treated like “girls”?
The responses were enlightening, humorous, confirming, and honest. To all of my contributors, thanks. Your insights could well help someone behave and be treated like the professional, like the leader, she or he wants to be.
This book does not provide and then elaborate on the essential qualities of a leader. Honestly, that information is available in a number of other publications. This is not an “I hate men” book nor is it a “Life isn’t fair because I’m a woman” book.
Many of the ideas I share in this book apply to men as well as women. It is for women and men who believe they’re “stuck.” It is for women and men who believe they can-not reach their vision of professional success because others don’t support them or others haven’t provided them with opportunities to be successful.
This book’s intent is to demonstrate for those of you who feel stuck that you some-times do things yourselves that limit your professional and leadership opportunities. If you want to be viewed as a professional, or as a leader, be aware of the signals you’re sending.
Our world is a world in which men and women work together – a mixed workplace. It’s diversity of the first order. Men and women innately think differently, but when we work in the same business culture, we all have to abide by the cultural norms of the organization. And yes, that might well mean women have to be a bit less womanly, but men have to be a bit less manly too. The guys have to cut the macho crap, and we women have to cut the “girly” stuff. Basically, we all need to be aware of and control our behaviors that can cause disruption, confusion, or conflict in the workplace. If we all can agree to that, the workplace is a much more enjoyable and productive place to be.
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As reported by The Employment Policy Foundation in Washington, women hold nearly half of all managerial and professional positions in the U.S. workplace and will hold about 54% of these jobs by 2030.
What does this mean? To me it indicates that women, now more than ever, need to understand how to better “fit in,” how to “play the game,” and how to be equal players in the professional arena. Many women do this flawlessly, naturally, and without losing any of their femininity. Other women (and men) seem to struggle. It’s for them, and for the woman in Albuquerque, for those who don’t understand why they’re treated like girls, that this project took shape.
My insights and those of my contributors come from working in various environments including global organizations, small mom and pop shops, start-ups, manufacturing facilities, financial institutions, organizations that were male-dominated, organizations that were female-dominated, as well as various federal, state, and county government agencies.
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As the title of the book indicates, many of the more practical and honest bits of advice came directly or indirectly from men. More often than not, the men shared advice that was so blunt – yet so insightful – I was amazed. They very clearly articulated their observations, appreciation of, and frustrations in working with, supervising, and being managed by women.
I am by no means suggesting that the female contributors’ input was less valuable. I was simply struck with how honest and open the men’s input was. There was no anti-female angle to it. It was shared to clue women in on how to be treated like professional equals. Contrary to popular belief, the guys aren’t trying to keep women out of or down in the professional world. If anything, they’re trying to help women advance. Men know the data I shared above. They know and see the predominance of women in the workplace. Because of this, men want women to work with them in growing the organizations where they work. The more we help each other, the more we all succeed.
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Contrary to popular belief, the guys aren’t trying to keep women out or down in the professional world. If anything, they’re trying to help women advance. Men know the data I shared above. They know and see the predominance of women in the workplace. Because of this, men want women to work with them in growing the organizations where they work. The more we help each other, the more we all succeed.
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Also, the words of wisdom that most resonated with many of my female respondents was advice they’d received from their husbands, fathers, brothers, grandfathers, male bosses, or male colleagues. Finally, given the dominance of men in leadership positions, it’s only logical to watch them, learn from them, and identify what they do that works. This is how many of my female contributors gained their insights. Now, it’s up to us to adapt and apply these ideas, techniques, and insights, and to make them work for us as well.
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Sometimes We Get What We Ask for
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“Sometimes people treat us the way they do not because of the way they are, but be-cause of the way we are.”
TONGUE FU’ISM
Sam Horn, Author and Originator of Tongue Fu!®
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I’m walking on dangerous ground here, but I have to be blunt: Girls do a lot of dumb things (boys do too, but we’re talking about girls here). Their stereotypical and self-defeating behaviors are fading. However, many girls (most prevalently teenage girls) are incredibly insecure, believe their worth and value is determined by their looks, readily belittle themselves, know they’re smart but don’t stand up for themselves, need to talk to one another frequently for validation, and doubt themselves constantly. Hey, I know. I lived it. I also grew up with five sisters and I’ve raised two daughters. It’s ugly but it’s the truth. Thankfully, most of us grow out of it.
As adults, however, women often default to some of these same self-defeating behaviors. When that happens, women emit silent signals to others that they’re not confident women, but insecure girls. And honestly, no one likes following someone who’s insecure. It’s downright frightening. Because of these silent signals, women sabotage their own attempts at professional or leadership success. How? If “the boss” is considering a woman for a promotion or a lead position on a particular project, but then sees her second-guessing herself, backing away from her original position, or worrying more about her fingernail appliqués than about getting the job done, “the boss” has a right to question her leadership abilities.