Sixteen Thousand and One Nights
by
Barry Norman
(with Monica Norman)
Smashwords Edition
Published by Aichje Books on Smashwords
Aichje Books, Goulburn, NSW, Australia
Sixteen Thousand and One Nights
Copyright © 2010 by Barry Norman
ISBN 978-0-9808107-8-3
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Sixteen Thousand and One Nights
**
Why Not?
How many times in a month would you expect a married couple to have sex? Once or twice a week or perhaps ten times a month? Most people would think that 15 or 20 times a month would be very good going. How about once every day for three months? Now that really is good going! And how about once every day for a year? That would be very impressive indeed!
Now, how about a couple who have been married for 44 years having sex on average at least once per day during that period? Rounded off, that amounts to about 16000 times during the 44 years of their marriage. Unlikely, impossible, or a tall story, you say? Not so! This book is about our 44-year marriage and about our having sex on average at least once per day during that time.
Here I need to clarify that we did not have sex on every single consecutive day during that time. That would have been impossible. For instance, the scenario has to take account of the occasions when we were apart, such as the time when I lived abroad on work assignment for six months. During that time we only saw each other for three weeks. On another occasion, for a period of about one year I worked away from home and we only saw each other during weekends (i.e. three nights out of seven) and during vacations. In addition, as is common in a long marriage, there were other, shorter separations such as when one of us attended a conference or visited distant family members. Also, of course, we didn’t always have sex when we were younger and my wife, Monica, had her monthly period although we sometimes indulged in other forms of sexual pleasuring at those times. Finally, because we aren’t automatons we didn’t have sex every single day when we were together and able to have it. For instance, there were occasions when we missed out because of illness or because we were out of sorts with each other or had quarreled – and you know what that does to a couple’s sex life.
However, having sex at least once per day has been the norm during our married life. The lapses in our sexual activity during absences and omissions have been more than compensated for by our having sex more than once per day on many, many other occasions. For instance, recently we had a week-long vacation on a Pacific island. During that time, we had intercourse at least twice every day apart from engaging in other forms of sexual pleasuring. Then, even more recently, we treated ourselves to a two-night weekend short break and had intercourse about six times during that time. We didn’t keep count and we weren’t trying to break any records; we were just relaxing and having fun, so we can’t provide exact statistics. Overall, the period between the beginning of the vacation and the end of the weekend short break covered 28 days, during which our rough count indicates that we had intercourse at least 39 times. Once again, that does not include other forms of sex play and sexual pleasuring. So, with those statistics as an illustration and bearing in mind that we were 65 years of age at the time and no longer in our vigorous, youthful primes, we can state with great confidence that we have had sex on average at least once per day during the 44 years of our marriage. In other words, we have had intercourse about 16000 times.
How does that compare with the long-term average of sexual intercourse for most couples? Wikipedia, that indefatigable source of information about almost everything, provided the information that in America, the average frequency of sexual intercourse for married couples is 2 to 3 times a week. To be more specific, frequency of sexual intercourse in the US is 112 times per year for the age group 18-29 years, 86 times per year for the age group 30-39, and 69 times per year for the age group 40-49. Another article noted that research during 2004 by a national research center found that in the USA the typical young married couple has sex 84 times a year while the typical couple has sex 66 times a year. Similarly, in Australia, the average couple has sexual intercourse about 95 times per year according to a review published by the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, which stated that heterosexual couples who had been together for at least a year reported they had sex on average 1.84 times a week, but most wanted more. Interestingly, while 85% of respondents said they would like sex at least twice a week, only 27% actually had sex this often.
With sexual intercourse taking place about 69 times per year as an approximate long-term average, the American and Australian figures quoted above suggest that the average couple has had, or will have, sexual intercourse about 3000 times during a relationship spanning 44 years. Compare 3000 times to our 16000 times during the same period and at 5.3 times more, our count does look quite special. Nevertheless, for all of those 44 years we weren’t keeping tally because we did not think that we were doing anything exceptional; we were just maintaining our relationship and getting on with our lives. We did not keep a record of our ‘performance’ and we have never been interested in comparing our sex lives to others. Of course, sometimes when we have read the results of surveys or have noted the publicity that has surrounded books such as ‘Just Do It’ and ‘365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy’ – I will say more about these books below – we have remarked to each other that we seem to be having somewhat more sex than is average for married couples. However, that having been said, we have forgotten about statistics and have got on with our lives.
At this point I am going to have a look at books that are in the same category because they have influenced my decision to write this book. The first is a book by Doug Brown titled ‘Just Do It’. Published during 2008 by Crown Publishers in New York, the book was about Annie and Doug Brown who had been married to each other for 11 years and had two sub-teen children. The Browns made a pact to have sex every day for 101 days to spice up their lives and to escape from humdrum routine for a while.
As narrated in this enjoyable, cheerful book, the Browns, who were about average in terms of statistics for sexual intercourse for American couples, wanted to break out of their routine at least for a while. Of course the published account of the couple’s feat attracted a lot of interest. For instance, a photograph of the author that accompanied one article was captioned, ‘Douglas Brown, sex machine’ while in a published interview, Brown referred to his experience as a ‘sexathon’. The term suggests that having sex every day for three months can be compared to participating in a marathon race with all that is entailed in such a project, including the dedicated preparations, hard training, exceptional will-power, and physical exertion. In fact, the reference to ‘sexathon’ tallies with Doug Brown’s account of the careful preparations that he and his wife made before they embarked on their sexual adventure.
If a couple having sex for 101 consecutive nights raised a lot of interest and produced a much-publicized book then, of course, an account of a couple doing it for 365 consecutive nights would attract even more attention. In fact, during the same year a book by Charla Muller titled ‘365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy’ was published by Berkly Books (New York). It is a highly readable account of how, as a fortieth birthday gift, wife Charla offered her husband sex every night for a year. Now there’s one-upmanship (or much-upmanship?): 365 nights definitely puts a mere 101 nights deep into the shade. In fact, one review referred to the couple’s experience as an ‘incredible sex life’ and noted that both books had caused a publishing phenomenon in the U.S., causing thousands of married women to examine their own sex lives.
It was only after we read ‘Just Do It’ and ‘365 Nights’ that Monica and I thought about writing this book. We reckoned that if so much attention was given to accounts of having sex every day for a year or even for only every day for three months – behavior that is routine and normal for us – then perhaps we had a story to tell and perhaps some people might like to read it. In ‘365 Nights’, the author commented that she and her husband had to find their own way into sex-every-day territory because, as she wrote, there are no sex-every-day gurus available for consultation. Although we also don’t know of any gurus, we might have something to offer because we have been there and have done it over the space of many years.
One aspect of 'Just Do It' surprised us and contributed to our feeling that we had a story to tell. That aspect was the careful planning and extensive preparations that underlay the couple's project of having sex every day for three months. Before beginning their venture, Doug and Annie Brown took medical advice, began a course of vitamins, improved their fitness levels, discussed the types of clothing that would make them more appealing to each other, purchased various sex aids, turned their bedroom into a 'sex den' with special decor and candles, and had a trial run during a weekend break. With that amount of planning and forethought, 'Just Do it' seems to be a misnomer. A more appropriate title might be 'Don't Just Do It -- Make Thorough Plans for It'. On the other hand, completely without special preparations and planning (except when we have wanted 'special occasion' sex), Monica and I have in fact been 'just doing it' on average once a day, and quite often on a twice-daily basis, for all of the 44 years of our marriage.
The more I thought about this book, and the more Monica asked me when I was going to start writing it, the more it seemed to me that it would be a good thing to do it. I also began to think that I would like to celebrate and record our 44 years together. These years have been notable not only for good sex but also for a deep and rewarding relationship that has been the centre-point of both of our existences. As the idea gathered speed, for about six months I knew that I was going to write this book some day. During that time, I would think about it off and on but, finally, I would always give my time and attention to other matters, including long-term projects that needed attention. Then, one day, the decks were clear, my mind was right, and I was ready to write this book. The time had come to just do it.
The Beginning
So, let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. (Why does that annoying ditty stick in my mind when my grey matter can't retain advice of far greater gravity? Is that one of the symptoms of advancing age?) Our saga began when we were both 20 years of age. When we met, there was no moonlight on the water, no breeze rustling the leaves by a wine-dark sea, and no orchestra playing lilting music. Instead, we met at a youth group gathering in the sparse and unimaginative surroundings of a community hall. No matter -- I didn't need a romantic atmosphere to spark me. Monica lit up the place for me. Immediately I was struck by her dark-haired good looks, her flashing smile, her merry laugh, and her shy friendliness. Years later, when a friend asked me what my first impression of Monica was, I said, spontaneously, 'I thought that she was the most beautiful woman that I had ever met'. I also said that I loved her right from the start although, to be honest, that might be projecting my present feelings on to past events. In any case, while it might not be literally true that I loved her right from the start, after 44 years of marriage I feel as if I have always loved her.
Monica definitely made a big first impression on me because even now, more than 47 years later, I can recall that she was wearing a green-brown, slim-line dress with a knee-length hemline and brown high-heeled shoes. I also recall that her hair was cut quite short and was fashionably shaggy around the ends. On reflection, blondes and redheads are all very well and have their attractions but I have always fallen for tall, dark-haired women – and Monica fitted that brief perfectly. In turn, Monica must have been reasonably impressed with me because she allowed me to walk her home after the meeting.
Monica's recollection of how we met is that she went to the meeting with a male friend because she had a crush on another young man in the group. During the proceedings, she kept on glancing over at him. By chance, I was sitting next to the object of her interest and one of my friends, misinterpreting Monica's glances, told me that she was interested in me. Thinking that I was on to a good thing, I approached Monica. At closer quarters, I was attracted by her infectious laugh and by her shy beauty. We chatted and she liked what she saw. When I asked if I could walk her home, she agreed. Monica doesn't remember much about the walk except that my shoes clacked on the pavement because my frugal parents had put metal strips on the soles and heels to minimise wear and tear. I remember those shoes. They certainly were noisy. Also, they were dangerous because metal strips reduce the adhesiveness of soles and heels, making it easy for the wearer to slip on hard surfaces. As I remember it, I got rid of those metal strips before too long.
The youth group met during mid-week and so, when I delivered Monica to her front door, I asked her if I could visit her during the weekend. I was a student without much money and without a car so, on Saturday, I walked from the campus to Monica’s home. There we sat on opposite sides of the room in the lounge, shyly chatting to each other. For a while, it was like an image of Victorian courtship.
I must have made a good impression on Monica because, as I learned later, she had to overcome disparaging remarks from her two younger sisters, who laughed at my simple, unfashionable clothes and at my one and only sweater with patched elbows. At first, they thought that I was plain, gauche, and not at all a good catch for their older sister. They had reason to snigger, because the fact that my parents did not have a lot of money was reflected in my appearance. However, to be honest, it wasn’t all my parents’ fault; in those days I didn’t care much about style and appearance as long as I was clean and decent. I was a distinctly unfashionable young man.
My relationship with Monica was unremarkable in the sense that, to paraphrase the dictum about families, all happy relationships are happy in similar ways. Within a short time, we started going steady and were seeing each other most days of the week. I was in my final undergraduate year and Monica was employed at a business in town, so I would meet Monica after work, walk her home, and sometimes have a meal with her and her family. Then I would do a few hours of academic work before Monica drove me back to my university residence.
On weekends, we did what most young couples did, such as going to movies and dances, driving to the nearby beaches or just hanging out together or with friends. On Saturday afternoons during winter, I played soccer for one of the university teams while Monica, who suddenly developed an interest in sport, would accompany me as a spectator. At least, that is what she called it – although in fact she did a lot of her spectating while reading or dozing in the comfort of the car, enjoying the warmth of the winter afternoon sun.
Of course, as our acquaintance grew so did our intimacy, with hand-holding, embracing, kissing, cuddling, and all of the usual features of a blossoming relationship. However, there was one limitation, namely that we were not going to have intercourse until we were married. After so many years, we can’t remember whether we formally discussed the issue or whether, both being of the same mind, we just tacitly accepted the arrangement. Of course, back in the 1960s there were powerful influences militating against pre-marital sex. For one thing, both of us were raised in a religious tradition that discouraged the practice. For another thing, pre-marital sex and the loss of virginity were associated with sluttish, disrespectful and reckless behaviour. Thirdly, caution was a powerful deterrent because with ‘the pill’ still being developed, avoiding pregnancy was a lot more difficult than it was only a few years later.
Whatever the reasons, we did not have intercourse until we married. As a result, Monica was that much-fabled creature: a virgin on her wedding night.
I have always been happy about this. It adds value and significance to our relationship. Monica is the only woman with whom I have had sexual intercourse. I like that. It is likely that she will be the only woman with whom I will have sexual intercourse. I also like that. Do I miss not having had sex with some of the two hundred million other women with whom I might have had sex? No, I don’t. I know what I have and I value it. I reckon that 16000 times in 44 years with the woman I love is enough to satisfy me. In any case, where would I find the time and energy for any more?
When did we first discuss marriage? Like the issue of having intercourse or not, it is difficult to remember whether or not we ever ‘discussed’ marriage in the formal sense or whether an understanding just gradually developed. Whatever the case was, by the end of the first year of our relationship we were committed to marriage. However, there was one obstacle, namely that I had been conscripted and had to do one year of military service. It was a dismal prospect, not quite as bad as facing imprisonment but depressing nevertheless. However there was no way of avoiding it.