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Several years ago I walked into the office of a co-worker. On the wall was a poster that had several quotes containing key bits of wisdom for living a happy life. There was one that instantly jumped out at me. It was a quote by H. Jackson Brown, Jr., author of A Father’s Book of Wisdom, which stated, “Choose your life’s mate carefully; from this one decision will come ninety percent of your happiness or misery.”

I’m not sure if ninety percent is an accurate number as it relates to the truth of this statement, since there are many other significant aspects of human existence. But it should be apparent that if you’re in a bad long-term relationship, it will have a huge impact on the quality your life. At the time I read this quote, I was going through a divorce, and its significance resonated deeply. “Choose your life’s mate carefully….” Obviously good advice, but how does one go about performing this crucial task? The answer lies in the activity of dating.

Dating is art and science. It is both simple and complex. It’s a combination of detailed awareness and Zen execution. It can be beauty in time and space, or hell on earth. The mastery of dating also has a profound impact on the mastery of one’s life in general. When a man can approach dating with enlightenment, it’s likely that he’s approaching life with enlightenment as well.

Dating should not be confused with relationships. A man who is good at dating may be horrible at relationships, or vice versa. There are some men who are good at finding women and having short interactions, but have difficulty managing long-term relationships. If this describes you, and if it’s your desire to learn how to have a successful long-term relationship, you’ll find this book insightful. The reason is because the “dating aspect” has a huge impact on the trajectory of what follows. By altering your approach to dating, you’ll significantly affect your possible relationship outcomes. But since the primary thrust of this book is dating, it doesn’t fully address the subject of long-term relationships. Therefore, in conjunction with this book, you to also seek other books that specifically address how to succeed in long-term relationships.

There are those who have had great long-term relationships, but have had a hard time getting jump-started when they find themselves back in the world of dating. Their relationship experience is very helpful in the dating process, but that experience alone won’t optimize the dating experience. The Enlightened Dating concepts that are contained in this book will greatly increase the probability of compatible matches going forward.

If you’re a person who has spent a lot of time in one or more long-term relationships, there’s a reason why entering the world of dating may seem scary and intimidating. It’s because people become good at what they practice, and it’s difficult to practice dating if you’re in a relationship. This is ironic because the better you are at dating and finding a great match, the sooner you won’t need dating skills! Yet having these skills and knowing you can access them has a magical effect on your confidence and the quality of your long-term relationships.

If you’re someone who believes that you’ve never been good at dating or have never had a long-term relationship, don’t despair! This book will provide insights that take the mystery out of dating. At a minimum, you’ll obtain the knowledge of what it takes to be successful.

The men who get the most out of their interactions with women tend to be very good at both dating and relationships. The secret to becoming good at both lies in the simultaneous practice of two elements: 1) being spiritually connected, and 2) having an understanding of the practice of what actually works. The first element involves actively seeking truth and enlightenment. The second involves being a student of human nature and practicing human interaction.

Enlightened Dating isn’t just a process of dating; it’s a process of total human interaction that substantially increases the probability of having wonderful life experiences. These experiences are not limited only to women of interest; they include all people. Enlightened Dating concepts are essential in establishing relationships with women who are compatible in the long-term. It’s a process that increases interaction with all women, ultimately gleaning out the very best prospects. Additionally, it’s a vehicle of self-exploration that enables you to find out what you really want.

You may be asking yourself, what qualifies me to be giving you advice on Enlightened Dating. The answer has to do with my own unwavering dedication to the discovery of the truth, combined with a lifelong love and desire to fully enjoy the company of women. As with most men, I’ve had the same challenges that are typically encountered in dating and relationships. This includes everything from initially getting the attention of women to making a determination of whether or not to stay in a relationship with them. My insights have come from:

A determination to discover the truth behind every dating mystery that I’ve ever personally encountered or heard about.
A determination to never repeat the same mistakes. Whenever I’ve experienced any pain related to dating or relationships, I’ve always looked for and discovered the truth surrounding each situation in order to gain full understanding. This allowed me to develop techniques to identify and deal with similar situations, thus creating the ability to guide them to satisfying outcomes.
Mastering the practice of prudent vulnerability. Although most dating advisors will not acknowledge this important aspect, the element of vulnerability is essential in order to get the most out of dating and relationships. Most dating advisors tend to put focus on how to manipulate women in order to dominate and control them. Although their methods provide insight into human nature and can achieve short-term goals, unless they’re ultimately combined with prudent vulnerability, such goals have little long-term relationship value. Therefore, they rarely result in amazing encounters of beauty, love and deep connection.

This book is the product of a lifetime of absorbing everything I could get my hands on regarding the subjects of dating, relationships, and understanding women. It also combines the experiences of friends and clients, interviews with “dating masters,” and years of my own personal experiences. There are many powerful and valuable concepts that I’ve discovered that I’ve never seen in other books. These concepts give you awareness of the reality behind dating situations, and the power to make the right decisions. You will find them invaluable in your quest to produce the greatest amount of happiness from your experiences with women.

This book can be read either from start to finish, or by selecting topics of greatest interest. If you choose to select specific topics, I recommend that you first read the section entitled “What is Enlightened Dating.”. Then move on to the section entitled “Dating Success Factors: Overview.” This overview is designed to create general awareness around specific topics. The later sections provide detailed discussions of these topics, as well as advanced concepts that guide you closer to mastery.

Here’s what you can expect to learn from this book:

How to become more attractive to yourself and others
How to interact with women to make them want to date you
How to identify the best places to meet women of interest
How to effectively manage your dates and relationships
How to appropriately end relationships

Most importantly, you’ll learn how to approach dating from a prospective of greater enlightenment. This will allow you to gracefully maneuver through the world of dating; magically manifesting the results you want. All you have to do is to approach Enlightened Dating with an open mind and be willing to change some habits.

Before getting started on the concepts of Enlightened Dating, it’s important to have clarity on the general concept of enlightenment. In Western culture, we tend to minimize its importance and invest little time in understanding of what it really is. There are many reasons for this, including that enlightenment has the appearance of being nebulous, mystical, and perhaps unattainable.

But the concept of enlightenment is simple. It’s based in the unwavering dedication to the truth. A man who is on the path towards enlightenment will seek the truth regardless of its outcome or implications. In other words, he will not knowingly invest in ignorance, misinformation, or in a perception of reality that is based primarily on how he wishes things would be.

As a man commits to habitually seek the truth in this fashion, a miracle happens: he begins to see the truth more clearly. And because he’s abandoned his fear of the truth in order to see it, he’s also learned to face fear, which causes his other fears to begin to disappear as well. As he becomes more comfortable with the truth and more aware of the benefits of seeing it clearly, another miracle happens: he releases his need to be perceived as being right, which makes it easier for him to see even more truth.

As he progresses, he becomes more at peace, and begins to feel freed from the illusions of desire and suffering. As more of the insignificant aspects of life begin to take up less space in his consciousness, he begins to see the important aspects with greater clarity, opening the door to gaining spiritual light. This is because there’s nothing more filled with light than truth. Or as Gandhi put it, “God is truth.”

Since enlightenment is based on the pursuit and realization of truth, it should be apparent that gaining clarity dating activities is necessary if a man is to have the best possible interactions with women. It’s my intention that you gain the clarity to have the most amazing dating experiences possible, and that these experiences lead to whatever types of beneficial relationships with women that you desire. Dating, as with life, is a journey and an adventure. I wish you well with yours!

Part I. What Is Enlightened Dating?

Enlightened Dating involves the following concepts:

Dating as part of the relationship cycle
Dating in alignment with your values
Being authentic
Dating with integrity
Dating philosophy and ethics
Setting your intention
Sex and spirituality
Energy and dating
Statistics (level 1) and attractor patterns (level 2)
Dating Success Factors

Dating as part of the relationship cycle

I have many male friends. Some are single and some are married. Some have been married several times. What they have in common is a love of women and a desire to spend time with them. When they’re in a relationship, they experience a contentment that isn’t present when they’re single. But as time passes, this contentment often turns into complacency, daily routines, and neglect of self-care. This is because routines make life simple and the participants have their needs met most of the time. But the primary reason that most people accept relationship complacency is because they fear the dating process.

What is it about dating that so many people find distasteful? Consider these reasons:
It’s outside the comfort zone of most people
It involves the possibility of rejection
It involves the potential of temporarily being trapped into spending time with someone
It costs money
It potentially draws adverse judgment from friends and family

Despite these obstacles, dating is a necessary step on the path to a committed relationship. Additionally, the better a man dates, the higher the likelihood that he’ll enter into a compatible relationship. Doesn’t it make sense to learn dating skills?

To further drive this point home, it’s likely that you know someone who has the most wonderful girlfriend or wife imaginable. It’s also likely that you often see lovely women who are with men who don’t seem to be in their league. Wouldn’t it be nice if you were enjoying the company of such women? What do you think the difference is between you and the men who do? There could be many factors, but the key distinction is having an understanding of the dating process.

Dating in alignment with your values

Your values are the concepts that you hold as the most important. Common examples include: truth, honestly, loyalty, love, adventure, sincerity, health, sanctity of life, learning, responsibility, consideration, respect, care, safety, survival, security, sharing, humor, enjoyment, beauty, abundance, joy, freedom, wisdom, nature, and creativity. Of course, the number of possible values is almost endless. Values can also be specific, such as placing a high value on having children.

Your values can be discovered in many ways. One way is to ask yourself the question, “What are my true values?” Then write down whatever pops in your head. Another is to look at a list of common values and attach a score to each on a scale from one to ten.

A third way, and one of the most accurate, is to think about the most highly revered events of your life, and then attach descriptive adjectives to them. These adjectives will indicate what you value. For example, if a specific event could be described with the adjectives of loving, accepting, and truthful, then these adjectives are likely descriptions of your values. If you’re having trouble identifying your values, consider the assistance of a qualified life coach.

Your life experience is always best when you conduct yourself in accordance with your values. For example, if honesty is one of your core values, you’ll want to conduct yourself with honestly. You should also seek honest women. Successful dating do not occur where one person values honesty and the other doesn’t.

The closer you stay in alignment with your values, the easier life and dating will be. If you value honesty but don’t conduct yourself that way, inner conflict is created. This conflict will not be resolved until you conduct yourself with honesty (or admit to yourself that honesty is not one of your values). By staying in alignment with your values, you’ll attract a compatible person into your life, and gain the ability to sustain successful long-term relationships.

Being authentic

“Authentic” is defined as “not false” or “not imitation.” Being authentic is you really being you. If you don’t know who your authentic self really is, check out the section entitled “The Secret to Becoming Yourself” in my book, Towards Enlightenment—Essays on Essential Elements of Awareness.

Many people waste time in dating situations by trying to be someone they aren’t. It’s possible to hold a façade for a while, but the real self will eventually emerge. When this happens, the outcome is not good. Several years ago I dated a woman who was good at creating an external image, but this image was not an accurate representation of her inner reality. Problems and mysteries started to emerge. When the truth finally came out, there was a large disparity between the real woman and the façade. After getting over the initial shock, it was easy to accept the reality of the situation and let her go.

Authenticity can be difficult for people coming out of divorce. One reason is that marriage often transforms people into beings that are composites of both spouses. This usually happens when there is an overly controlling spouse. Therefore, one of the best things to do when coming out of divorce is to rediscover your true authentic self. A good starting point is to go back and reconnect to who you were prior to meeting your ex-spouse. This allows you to rediscover personal aspects that got minimized during the marriage. Often these aspects relate to independence or preferred pastimes that caused her to feel threatened. To become your authentic self, these aspects need to be awakened.

Years of being in a committed relationship can also result in complacency and in neglecting one’s physical body. Many people will dive into self-improvement programs. This may include going to courses where people get in touch with their wounds and limited thinking patterns, as well as heading to the gym. These activities are great, but they must be approached with the intention of making permanent improvements to your life.

For example, if you shed thirty pounds and tone up by going to the gym, it’s likely that you’ll be healthier and more attractive. But if you find someone special, and then go back to your old habits, strain will be put upon on your new relationship. Therefore, if you’re going to make a big change in your appearance and lifestyle, only do so if you’re committed to maintaining it. If making this change doesn’t feel authentic, then it probably isn’t.

Being authentic is being true to yourself. When you’re authentic, life is easy. This is because there are fewer distractions. When you’re not being authentic, it’s like living a lie. There’s a reason that rational people don’t lie: the effort required to maintain a lie is not worth the benefit. Being authentic has the same dynamic.

Be the best person you can be, but don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Being authentic opens the door to mastery of Enlightened Dating.

Dating with integrity

There are few things more humiliating than becoming involved in a new dating situation, only to find out that you’re new love is also dating other people. It’s also humiliating to be on the other side, which is dating several people without disclosure and then having it revealed. As discussed later, there are appropriate times to make disclosures and appropriate ways to truthfully articulate them. This is the essence of dating with integrity. Doing so will make your dating more pleasurable and manageable.

There’s an expression that states, “The greatest penalty that a thief pays is to look in the mirror and see a thief.” When you date with integrity, you’re sending the message that you have integrity. This message is received by the people you’re dating, the people who are introducing you to women, and most importantly, you. It’s vital that when you look in the mirror, you see a person who has integrity and who lives by the Golden Rule. After all, would you want to do something to someone that you wouldn’t want to have done to you?

Sending the message of integrity is important to the people you’re dating. If you’re honest and treat them with respect, this will be reflected in your reputation. But if not, this will also be reflected, and with a much greater force. The reason is due to basic human nature: people are more motivated to express complaints than to express when things are going well.

As discussed later, one of the greatest sources of introductions is through friends and acquaintances. If you have a reputation of integrity, they will gladly introduce you to the most wonderful women they know!

Dating philosophy and ethics

What is your philosophy on dating? This is a broad question and covers many aspects. Let’s first focus on one of the most basic: Are men and women equal?

It’s difficult to imagine that anyone would answer the above question with anything other than, “Yes, men and women are equal.” However, when I talk with my friends about our teenage sons and daughters, most of them become visibly upset with the prospect of their daughters having sex. I believe this reaction comes from the vestige of the thousands of generations that came before us.

It’s easy to philosophically state that men and women are sexually equal, but there are certain differences between genders that are the result of surviving in past eras. One such difference, as it relates to having sex, is what I call the “father/daughter dynamic” (i.e., the father’s intense protection of the daughter as it pertains to her dating activities with men). This dynamic is a significant aspect of our resistance to accepting sexual equality.

It wasn’t until mid-twentieth century that reliable birth control methods became available. Prior to that, when a young woman became pregnant, she either had the baby or some form of abortion that was performed in secret. In earlier times, if a daughter became pregnant, it usually destroyed her opportunity to get married. This put an extreme financial burden on the father by having to continue to support the daughter as well as the child. Additionally, in many societies, there was tremendous shame associated with pregnancy out of wedlock. It’s easy to imagine how this played out in the Dark Ages, especially considering current-day practices of certain fundamentalist groups, including that of “honor killing.” Honor killing is the practice of family members killing one of their own female members for having sex outside of wedlock. It’s considered such a disgrace that the only way to restore honor to the family is to kill the offending member. Even though this practice is not that widespread, severely disgracing women for having sex out of wedlock has historically been a central tenet of the fundamental practices of most major religions.

This aspect of inequality is also exemplified in what has been referred to as “the rule of three.” The rule of three states that when a man makes a claim of how many women he’s had sex with, you can get the real number by dividing his claimed amount by three. It also states that you can get a woman’s real number by multiplying her claimed amount by three. Obviously, we still tend to revere men with a lot of sexual conquests, but look down on women with similar behavior.

What if a man makes the statement that he believes in sexual equality, but doesn’t support that position with his actions? The inescapable answer is that he’s a hypocrite. Ironically, this hypocrisy punishes men almost as much as it does women. This is because men want sex, but due to the stigma, women are reluctant. Again, the extreme of this dynamic is fundamentalism. In societies where the penalty of death looms over the women for having pre-marital sex, why would they be motivated to have sex?

This dynamic also manifests in another odd way. Many women are willing to have a one-night stand with a stranger. But if they meet someone whom they consider to be “boyfriend material,” they’ll refrain from having sex with him for a certain period of time to create the illusion that they’re not a “certain kind of woman.” This is incredibly ironic: they’ll have sex with a stranger that they just met, but make the potential man of their dreams wait! I suppose the guy who is made to wait should take it as a complement, but it feels more like punishment! This dynamic can also make the guy who is “boyfriend material” feel minimized if he were to ever find out her history, which falls under the category of “unintended consequences.”

All of this brings us back to the question, “Are men and women equal?” I can tell you unequivocally that the sooner you bring your philosophy into alignment with total equality between genders, the more abundant your dating and relationship opportunities will be. When it comes to this issue, you have to walk the talk. This means that if you enter into a relationship with a woman, and she trusts you enough to reveal her sexual history, you must treat is as the honor that it is, and must never be judgmental about it. This is an enlightened position, and it takes strength and maturity. It will also bring rewards. Once you’re clear on this basic philosophical issue, most other aspects of dating philosophy naturally fall into place.

Ethics is another key area. Certain behaviors in dating are considered ethical, and others are not. There is no general consensus as to what is considered ethical, but it’s important to define your own standards and do your best to live them. Ethics include aspects such as doing what you say you’re going to do, being on time, not standing someone up, being considerate, being respectful, and respecting her wishes when she says no.

Another area requiring ethics is that of dating multiple women. When doing this, it’s important to distinguish between “dating” and being in a “committed relationship.” Dating, by definition, is not a committed state. When most men meet someone new, but are currently dating one or more other women, they keep this fact from her because they think she will tell them to get lost. But surprisingly, I’ve found this isn’t true. If I go on a date with a woman, and tell her up front (at the appropriate time) that I’m “dating” and am not in a relationship, two positive things usually result. First, she becomes aware that I’m honest and have integrity. Second, and this is the wildest part, she gets the sense that I’m in demand. This usually piques her interest. So what starts off as a potentially dicey situation easily turns into an advantage.

Be forewarned, it’s always possible that the disclosure that you’re dating other women may backfire and send her running. But you’ve done nothing wrong. You are in “dating mode,” which means that you may be dating other women. This is what people do as part of the process of gleaning out the best relationship. As the saying goes, “out of quantity comes quality,” and there are few places where this is more true than with men and women interacting for the purpose of discovering a compatible match. If she doesn’t understand this and doesn’t appreciate your up-front honesty, then she’s probably the wrong woman anyway.

But what if she asks you if you’re having sex with the other women? Unless you’re in a committed relationship, it’s none of her business. An appropriate response might be, “If you and I had sex, would you want me to disclose it to other people? Out of respect, I never answer questions about things that are potentially intimate, whether the answer is yes or no.” Then change the subject. If she’s not satisfied with that response, you may want to consider ending the date. Under no circumstance let her initiate a control dynamic because if you do, it will be almost impossible to recover. More about this issue is presented in the subsection entitled “Dealing with questions about other women” in the section entitled “Successful Dating.”

Here’s another forewarning. If you take the position of full disclosure, you also have to accept the possibility that she will have or may already be having sex with others. In this situation, you don’t have the right to demand an answer to that question, at least during the time that “dating” is your official status. But if you believe in equality between men and women, this is a risk that you are gladly willing to take. After all, are men and women equal or not?

Related to this, I once dated a woman from Sweden. She was very beautiful and had wonderful energy. At the time I met her she was dating two other men, both of whom were crazy about her. Being an ethical dater, she was honest about it. She told them the same thing she told me: she was only interested in dating and had no interest at the current moment to become involved in a committed in a relationship. Thanks to her honesty, I went into it knowing the score and knowing that if I got hurt, it would be my own fault. Therefore I made sure to keep my head on straight, my options open, and to assume nothing. When I first started dating her, my desire was to win her over for myself. But given that she was so explicit about her intentions, I was fully aware that this might not happen. I was also aware that if I tried to pressure her in any way, it would not honor her stated intention, and would be a violation of an implied trust that she had given me. So I went into it with my eyes wide open, taking it only for what it was.

I dated her for about two months, and we had a great time together. Since she was dating others, I did the same. After a while it was apparent that she was starting to form a deeper connection with one of the other men she was dating. She let me know this was happening, as well as her decision to get into a committed relationship with him. I thanked her for her honesty and the great times we had together. Then I gracefully let her leave. She eventually got married and had two children. I still think about the honesty of her conduct, honoring herself by giving herself the freedom to fully discover what she really wanted, and not allowing the fears and desires of others to influence the decisions that would affect what she wanted out of life. This is a good example of how men should conduct their affairs as well. In later chapters I’ll go into more detail about how to ethically manage dating and sex with multiple women without succumbing to pressure to enter into an unwanted committed relationship.

It’s also possible, and actually more likely, that you have no interest in dating multiple women, and you expect the same from her. Many men won’t date unless the woman literally falls in their laps. Dating connections for these men tend to be rare. There are many reasons for this, including lack of assertion, or a tendency to only date if the path towards a relationship is the only thing they can see. For these men there’s only one mode, and that is dating one woman at a time. In fact, many of these men would prefer to skip the dating mode all together and go directly to the relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with this. But if you’re a man that tends to date in this fashion, be aware that the woman you’re dating may not be on the same page. In other words, she may be of the philosophy of dating many men while in “dating mode” to make sure that she finds her best match. Due to the potential of a misunderstanding, it’s best to clear this up right from the start. You must be careful in doing this, however, because requests for clarifications in the area of exclusivity may throw off proper “pacing” (discussed later) and could be interpreted as moving too fast, or worse, give you the appearance of being “needy.” This issue can be casually addressed early on, but shouldn’t be seriously addressed until a clear and mutual connection has been established. Also understand that the “one-at-a-time dating mode” reduces your chances of finding the best match. But if she’s right for you, this aspect may be moot.

Age is another philosophical issue. In America the traditional age separation between men and women is that they’re either of the same approximate age or the man is slightly older. As people get together romantically when they’re older, the traditional separation of ages often widens, with the man usually being older. There is a rule of thumb that states that the optimal age separation is mathematically derived by taking the man’s age, dividing by two and adding seven. This, of course, is from a man’s perspective! From the woman’s perspective, it’s now more common to hear about “cougar” relationships, where the woman is significantly older than the man. Obviously, if you believe in gender equality, there’s nothing wrong with this.

Different cultures in different eras have had many different customs when it comes to age separation. In some cultures, as long as people are legally adults, few people make judgments about what works for others. In some ancient cultures, younger men and women were temporarily matched with older and experienced men and women for the purposes of learning how to become good lovers.

Today we see a lot less judgment surrounding not only the mix of ages, but also the mix of races, cultures and other aspects. This change has to do with the shrinking world, expanded travel opportunities, and migration. Additionally, times change, and some of the reasons for age separation practices have also changed. One of the biggest is greater longevity. Short life spans are more conducive to less age separation, while longer life spans allow for more options.

As you move forward with your dating activities, maintain as much clarity as you can regarding your philosophy and ethics, and especially avoid the temptation to succumb to hypocrisy.

Setting your intention

Much of what we achieve in life is directly related to our intention. In his book, The Power of Intention, Dr. Wayne Dyer describes intention as “a force of the universe that allows the act of creation to take place.” Setting your intention is the initial step in giving birth to any creation. If you want to create an ideal relationship, it must start with an intention.

The keys to using intention to create a successful dating are as follows:
Be the essence of the qualities you admire
Be clear on the qualities of the person you want to attract
While relaxed, visualize your intention
Be aware that you’re already connected to those whom you seek
Act on impulses that seem divinely directed
Connect to the path, and disconnect from the outcome
Live in the present, and recognize its good aspects as manifestations of your intention

When you live your life with intention, it becomes your own creation. Manifesting intentions does not come from wishing and hoping. It comes from doing the things described above.

Sex and spirituality

“[We can accept] that sex is a physical manifestation of God, and that is not a sin—it is a blessing…. Sex was always surrounded by taboos, and I don’t see it necessarily as a manifestation of evil. I think that sexuality is first and foremost the way that God choose for us to be here on earth, to enjoy this energy of love in the physical plane.”

-Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist

What is the connection between sex and spirituality? One view is that there is no connection whatsoever. Others believe that sex one of the most spiritually expressive acts there is. Many people don’t make this connection. Here are some reasons:

Most religions minimize or distort the spiritual significance of sex
Sexual desire sometimes creates destructive behaviors
People are often taken advantage of sexually

Given these reasons, it’s easy to see why many people don’t make a connection between sex and spirituality. But there are many others who have experienced the exact opposite, as described below:

Sex is a beautiful expression of love and appreciation: When people are in love, or otherwise have an attraction and appreciation for one another, sex is one of the most beautiful ways to express it.
A physical sexual connection can enhance a strong mental connection: When two people are engaged in sex, there is often a very strong mental connection that is an extension of the physicality of the sexual act. When this connection occurs, it can transcend the mind into the bonding of a more powerful energy that is made up of many different types of energies. Sexual energy alone is very powerful. When this powerful energy mixes with other types of energy, all of the energy in the mix becomes enhanced to a much higher level. It’s a perfect example of synergy where the total vastly exceeds the sum of the parts. Examples of energies that mix well with the energy of sex include love, appreciation, intellectual, beauty, nature, and the sharing of experiences.
People with strong sexual awareness often inject sexuality into spiritually creative endeavors: The connection to sexuality can be so strong that it inspires the sprit. In fact, the spirit can become inspired solely by thoughts of sexual awareness without the necessity of touch. We see this in music, art, literature, and in many other creations. Napoleon Hill’s book, Think and Grow Rich, discusses a subject called “The Mystery of Sex Transmutation.” He states that most of the greatest achievements of men and women were driven by sexual desire and the energetic force of sexuality. These desires and forces were “transmuted” into many of the tremendous accomplishments that surround us.
Sex is a vehicle to simultaneously give and receive high levels of pleasure: What can be greater than to combine the pleasures of giving and receiving? Sexual interaction is one of the best examples of this beautiful exchange. It can be charged with such high levels of energy that it becomes a spiritual template for other types of beneficial symbiotic manifestations.
When two people are sexually connected in an elevated state of sexuality, their awareness of their connection to love, life and spirit are also elevated.

Whether or not you make the connection between sex and spirituality is mostly dependent upon your beliefs. Whatever your beliefs are regarding this connection, you would do well to examine them to gain the deepest understanding possible.

For everything you believe, there are perceived truths that took you down the path to that belief. These perceived truths are often more about the reasons that got you onto that path than they are about the real truth. It’s possible that you’re already close to the real truth. It’s also possible that the real truth has been ignored, or has yet to be revealed. It’s the real truth that needs to discovered, evaluated, and incorporated into your beliefs. Your real truth may not be the same as mine or anyone else’s, but until you examine your beliefs to the greatest extent possible, you’ll never come close to knowing the real reasons why you believe what you do.

If you’ve never before examined your beliefs, the area of sex and spirituality is a great place to start.

Energy and dating

Enlightened Dating requires an understanding of energy. This includes the energy you’re projecting as well as the flow of energy within a given environment. It also includes the energy that is being projected by the women in that environment.

There are many types of energies that a person can project when they enter into a social situation. It can be the energy of excitement and movement, or the energy of boredom and stagnation. It can be open and flowing, or closed and restricted. It can invite romance (dating mode) or deflect it (relationship mode). Other dichotomies of energy include confidence and timidity, authenticity and pretention.

One of the best ways to project positive energy is to put a smile on your face and stand up straight. It helps to get into the right state of mind about the venue environment and the people in it. This is done by looking for the good in everything, as well as projecting the energy of love and positive regard. If you enter in this fashion, the energy you send becomes recognized by almost everyone, and it creates a charismatic power that draws people towards you.

Sending positive energy is a big factor in attracting people, but there are other steps that will help insure that the flow of energy stimulates positive interactions. One is to have a highly developed sense of empathy. When empathy is not projected, the flow of energy becomes restrictive. Energy flows best when it’s constantly moving and exchanging. Therefore, it easily flows in when it easily flows out. When this energy is freely flowing, those who are in your presence become more attracted to you. This is because your empathetic energy allows them to feel important, safe, and understood.

One of the most charismatic figures of the twentieth century was President Kennedy. It’s been said that when he gave speeches in smaller venues, those in his presence often felt that he was speaking directly to them, as if there were no one else in the room. He was able to do this because he had a highly developed sense of empathy. How much could this same dynamic help you with your dating and other interpersonal activities?

Empathy comes from paying attention to the moods and energy in a room. It also comes from acknowledging this energy by being completely present in the venue, recognizing that we’re all connected, and tapping into the energy that supports this connection. This energy is felt in varying degrees by everyone. When someone feels it at a high level, it feels good.

The energy being projected by the women in the room is also important. I’m now so attuned to it that I can quickly determine who I want to interact with. There are some women who are physically beautiful, but project energies I prefer to avoid. I’m able to tune into this by consciously absorbing and reading their energy. By doing this, I avoid wasting time with women whom I know in advance are unlikely to provide a pleasurable interaction.

When you attempt to look at someone’s energy, it’s as if your energy is saying hello to their energy. This process naturally happens at a subconscious level, and occurs in the energy swirling outside our bodies well before our conscious minds become aware of it. By the time we become aware, the energy has prepared us for a deeper interaction than would otherwise happen. To learn more about this, be sure to read the discussion on energy and auras presented in the subsection entitled “Spiritually magical elements” in the section entitled “Interaction with Women of Interest.”

Even though reading energy will guide you as you make your way through a venue, it’s good to test what you’re reading. It’s possible to read a woman as being self-absorbed or superficial, but can be good to have a conversation with her anyway. You never know when serendipity will appear, and if nothing else, you’ll fine-tune your energy reading capabilities. This is also a good exercise to help release judgments. That being said, it’s still important to keep a mental note of your first energetic impression. You’ll find as a general rule, your first impression tends to have substance.

In addition to empathy, developing your ability to manifest good energy includes your powers of observation and intuition. If you think about this, it makes perfect sense. Energy is something that everything emanates, whether it is “living” or not. Observation is a tool that allows you to empathize as well as to gain awareness of other environmental aspects that are both affecting and being affected by everything else. Intuition is an even deeper and more spiritually connected mode of observation because it reads energy that is not solely transmitted through the basic five senses. It usually comes to us in the form of mentally seeing images or hearing words, or in the form of “feelings.” All of these aspects carry energy, affect energy, and are bathed in the energy of all other aspects. By recognizing that the essence of all interaction takes place within the energy, you’re in a better position to understand social situations, as well as to inject positive influence into them.

To get your head around this better, it helps to think of people as entities of vibrating energy as opposed to the physical bodies that we see occupying the appearance of space. The true essence of an individual is contained within this energy. This is why we may see a woman who completely fits the Madison Avenue definition of beauty, but her energy seems gray. Conversely, we may meet a woman who is unlike anyone we have ever seen in the media, but she brings such tremendous vibrancy to the environment that we know that something great and very real is happening.

As an exercise in developing your awareness of energy and your ability to influence it, get into the habit of exchanging energy as you make your way through the world. When you go for a walk to the store or in a park, let your energy mix with that of others who are walking towards you. Let it flow into a natural salutation of saying hi, or maybe even into a conversation. You’ll be surprised at how much power you have to positively affect the energy of any environment as well as to allow that energy to manifest into pleasant interactions.

Statistics (level 1) and attractor patterns (level 2)

The universe is an interesting place. Within it there often seems to be a dichotomy between science and spirituality. Much of science doesn’t take into account the unexplainable and the unpredictable. If something is not known with a high degree of certainty and can’t be described by a theory that creates reliable predictability, it is rarely considered science. Yet there are many things that do not fall into this description that have varying degrees of predictability, but not enough to be considered scientific. The “Law of Attraction” is one such example. It states that when you focus on something with great intensity and emotion, a significant force is created that tends to cause it to manifest. People who use it to attract things into their lives know that certain thoughts have a high probability of manifesting into reality. But this is difficult to prove scientifically with current technology.

Recognize that for everything that exists, there’s an explanation and a reason. We may not know the explanation at the moment, but there’s little doubt that it exists. Therefore, things that are currently considered spiritual often gradually move into the realm of science as technologies improve. To illustrate this concept more fully, imagine a man who has never seen or heard a radio. If he were to come in contact with one and hear sounds coming out of it, he wouldn’t be able to explain it, and it would seem spiritual. But as he gains knowledge of what is actually happening, his perception of the radio moves from the spiritual to the scientific.

Enlightened Dating takes into account both the scientific (level 1) and the spiritual (level 2). The scientific (level 1) takes into account concepts of statistics and probability. The spiritual (level 2), takes into account additional concepts, such as the concept of attractor patterns.

Let’s start with statistics. Most events in the universe occur in a statistical fashion. If you flip a coin a thousand times, approximately fifty percent of the flips will produce heads and fifty percent will produce tails. As another example, if you randomly picked ten thousand people, their average IQ will be close to one hundred, since average IQ, by definition, is one hundred.

Sales people use the concept of statistics to estimate the amount of future sales. If it’s statistically known that it takes six calls to get one appointment, and three appointments to get one sale, then on average it will take eighteen calls to get one sale (six times three is eighteen). If a sales person wants to make two sales per day, he’ll have to make an average of thirty-six calls per day (eighteen times two is thirty-six).

The statistical dynamics of dating work the same way. Let’s say that on average you find one out of ten women attractive and potentially datable. Let’s also say that only one in three of these women will be available (i.e., not in a committed relationship). This means that in order to identify one woman that you would consider dating, you would have to be exposed to ten women. And in order to find one woman who you would consider dating and who additionally is available, you’ll need to be exposed to thirty women (ten times three is thirty).

An analysis like the one described above doesn’t take into account venues, nor does it take into account what I call the “Good Habits” that will increase the likelihood of transforming mutual attraction into a date. There are some venues that will attract more of the type of women that you want. This will favorably skew the ratios and allow exposure to fewer women in order to find one that is both attractive and available. The “Good Habits” further increases your odds of arranging a date by habitually doing the right things that cause women to want to date you. More on venues and the “Good Habits” are discussed in later chapters.

There’s another important statistical element to keep in mind; many events in life occur in the ratio of twenty-eighty. This is known the “twenty-eighty rule.” This rule is used in business to describe the fact that the top twenty percent of sales people make approximately eighty percent of the sales. Similarly, the top twenty percent of wage earners earn approximately eighty percent of the income. Dating statistics work in a similar fashion. Twenty percent of the men easily connect with eighty percent of the women. Twenty percent of the people engage in eighty percent of the dating activity. Twenty percent of the venues seem to attract eighty percent of the attractive women. Keep the “twenty-eighty rule” in mind when approaching everything. If you want to be good at something, be committed to doing whatever it takes to be part of the twenty percent where things happen.

Let’s move on to attractor patterns. A lot was learned about them during the last half of the twentieth century. This was due to the advent of the computer and the development of chaos theory. We learned that certain events that seemed random, due to observing relatively small sample sizes, were actually part of larger, organized patterns. This was discovered through the analysis of huge quantities of data that were too large to analyze before computers. We learned there is often more to the occurrence of events than pure randomness. Some people now believe that our thoughts affect these patterns. Many books have been written on this subject during the twentieth century, going all the way back to Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich.

As it applies to dating, it’s important to be clear on the type of woman you want to attract into your life. By using of the Law of Attraction, this clarity will increase the probability of attracting such a woman. This increase goes beyond that of normal statistical occurrences. To learn more about the Law of Attraction, read the subsection entitled “Attractor patterns (level 2),” which is included in the section entitled “Dating Success Factors: Overview.”

In summary, to create the greatest probability of attracting the right women into your life, it’s best to have an understanding of both statistical and spiritual concepts.

Dating Success Factors

The final aspect of Enlightened Dating is understanding, mastering, and adhering to the Dating Success Factors. These are the powerful nuances that, when working together, create the energy and dynamics that cause the free-flow of interesting women to move into your space. They are also important in maintaining a long-term relationship, as well as for successfully functioning in society in general. The Dating Success Factors can be modified as appropriate to develop business relationships, friendships and just about any kind of relationship you want.

An overview of the Dating Success Factors is discussed in the following section.

Part II. Dating Success Factors: Overview

In the world of business, there are aspects that are considered “critical success factors.” To be considered a critical success factor, all of these aspects must be present in order to have a successful business. These could include adequate capitalization, sound financial management, product development, production, sales, and marketing.

In the world of dating, as with business, there are also success factors. The Dating Success Factors are different in that you don’t absolutely have to have all of them in order to be successful. Therefore these factors are not identified as “critical.” But you’ll have to have most of them in order to attract the best women, as well as to maximize your dating success. These factors are listed below, with more detailed descriptions provided on the pages that follow:

The concept of “SUE” (Safety, Understanding, and Excitement)
The nuances of the Law of Attraction
Belief management
Mindset
Practice
Confidence
Being able to see the upside
Honesty and trust
Increasing your “sticky factor”
Timing and pace
The “attraction model”
Generating non-visual attraction
Your strengths and weaknesses
Being your best while being you
The Doormat/Jerk Spectrum
Prudent Vulnerability
Statistics (level 1)
Attractor patterns (level 2)
Embracing rejection
Going where the women are
Props
Presence (how you occupy space)
Your body language
Eyes and smile
Her body language
Moving quickly
Avoiding paralysis
Communicating the possibility of romance
Understanding her need for safety
Understanding her need to be understood
Naturally initiating verbal contact
The art of conversation
Obtaining her contact information
Dating phone dynamics
First date dynamics
Second date dynamics
Subsequent dates, sex, and expectations
Self-control
Lessons from The Tao of Steve

The concept of “SUE” (Safety, Understanding, and Excitement)

Think of the best girlfriend you never had, and give her the name “Sue.” Sue is more than the representation of everything you ever wanted in a woman. She’s more because she’s the representation of the woman with whom you did everything right. Your meeting was by chance, but resulted from managing the highest probabilities of encountering a quality woman, combined with the powerful magic of spiritual awareness. Your eyes met for the first time from across the room, but instead of pulling your eyes away, you smiled, and she smiled back. Without hesitation you walked over and introduced yourself. She felt safe because your conversation was effortless and appropriate. As she spoke, you looked into her eyes to capture the depth and essence of every word, and she instantly knew that you understood her as well as anyone. You asked her for her contact information in a way that made it easy for her to want to give it to you. And everything flowed with a sense of excitement and magical perfection.

Never forget the name Sue, because SUE represents the acronym that sums up the essence of successful encounters with women. The meaning of the SUE acronym is as follows:

S is for Safety: This includes both physical and social safety. When a woman feels safe, she feels free to openly express who she is. This allows her to more easily become known to you, and creates a force that makes her want to become known to you.
U is for Understanding: A woman responds best to a man at the moment she believes that he “gets her.” In other words, she responds best when she believes that he understands the essence of who she is. The sooner she believes this, the faster the interaction progresses.
E is for Excitement: In the process of attracting a woman, having the ability to create excitement is the coup de grace. The greater the sense of excitement, the deeper the hook is set. But for excitement to have power, its nature must be appropriate to the situation and compatible with her. Excitement is the cornerstone of creating the love spell.

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