The Manager’s
Toolbox
Managing from the Heart
A Way of Life
Managerial tools for developing self and staff
by Larry D. Braley & Ray D. Gragg
© 2007 Larry D. Braley & Ray D. Gragg
Published by Larry D. Braley & Ray D. Gragg at Smashwords
Note: “The Manager’s Toolbox” is a manager training book from Manager Development Services. At Manager Development Services, we do one thing and one thing only; we specialize in training managers in the “art” of managing people.
The Manager’s Toolbox
This book is designed to be a “quick reference” guide to using tools found in the text, “Managing from the Heart – A Way of Life.” These tools will enhance the quality and productivity of any person’s life.
It is important to understand that tools cannot build or repair anything. It’s only the person who is willing to pick them up and use them that can build or repair something. It’s also important to understand that practice makes better. It doesn’t make perfect; it makes better. The more often you use a particular tool, the more natural and adept you become at using it.
What is a tool? Simply, a tool is a technique, exercise, method, ritual, or trick – anything – you can use which will help you change or enhance a behavior. This is a more defined list of tools mentioned in the book, “Managing from the Heart – A Way of Life." Some are explained here and some are explained more detail within the text itself and you will be referred to the chapter or page number.
Some tools are used to change unhealthy behaviors, some are used for attitude adjustments, some for effective interaction with people, some for emotional growth, some for spiritual growth, and some for living in reality.
For our purposes, our list of tools has been broken down into three main categories:
Tools for Developing as a Human Being
Tools for Developing as a Manager
Tools for Developing Staff
For a full understanding of a particular tool (when and how to use it, what to look for, or how to interpret the outcome) you may want to reference the text itself.
List of Tools
Tools for Developing as a Human Being
1) What drives my life?
2) Gratitude List - What Is Here To Celebrate?
3) Don’t Fear Change – Embrace It!
4) Know your triggers - and what to do
5) Remember the WARNINGS SIGNS – “H.A.L.T.”
6) The phone is your friend and can save your life
7) Do something GOOD for someone else
8) Do something good for yourself
9) Eat a balanced diet, exercise, & get plenty of sleep
10) Learn to laugh from the gut, weep from the heart, and wonder in awe at the miracles all around you
11) Become a student of life
12) Discover Your Passion
13) Stay off the "pity pot"
14) A Pocket full of Dimes
15) What Do I Want For My Life?
16) Take your own daily inventory
17) Pursuit of Humility
18) Street Cleaning
19) Beating yourself up
20) Make a Balance Wheel
21) Mirror Work
22) Play the tape ALL the way through
23) Today is Life
24) "Good-bye Letters"
25) Baby Steps
26) Share your happiness with others
27) Change old routines and patterns
28) What do I want to do? / What is the healthy thing to do?
29) Stay out of Harm’s Way
30) Praying for your enemies
31) Journaling
32) Respect Your Physical Well-being
33) Priority List
34) Who Am I?
35) Celebrate Life
Tools for Developing as a Manager
36) Observation Book (“In the Heat of the Battle” File)
37) Ten minutes of planning saves a day of confusion.
38) Prioritize tasks.
39) Deal with the urgent.
40) Delegate.
41) Goals give direction.
42) Perpetual “To Do” list.
43) Don’t obsess on perfection.
44) Don’t bite off more than you can chew.
45) Beware of procrastination.
46) Figure in time interruptions and distractions.
47) “No!” is a complete sentence.
48) Utilize your best time of day.
49) Give yourself a little credit.
50) Set Priorities
51) Perform "Reality Checks"
52) Looking through another’s eyes
53) Communication Skills
54) Keep an Open Mind
55) Put your own welfare first
56) Orientation Meeting
57) Performance Review Meetings
58) “Setting Fires Under Their Feet” Meeting
59) Superstar Review Meetings
60) Clear the Air Meeting
61) Red Flag Meeting
62) Conflict Mediation and Resolution
63) Come to Jesus meeting
64) Termination meeting
65) Interview Questions
66) Floating Balloons
67) Who is my Customer?
68) Are they a Raving Fan?
69) Setting the Foundation (Ground Rules)
70) 24 Hour “I’m Sorry” Reprieve
71) Inspect what You Expect
72) Body Language
73) "Listen"
74) Pro & Con List
75) Do not "put down" anyone
76) "Belief List"
77) Dealing with Fear
78) Dealing with Envy
79) Dealing with Jealousy
80) Dealing with Resentment
81) Dealing with Anger
82) Practice the Principle of Forgiveness
83) Setting Vision
84) Goal Setting
85) Look at the overall picture
86) Defining “Success Factor”
87) Developing Career Mindedness
88) Set & maintain healthy boundaries
89) Setting and Maintaining Standards
90) Putting together a staff that has “ownership”
91) Paying and Accepting Compliments
92) Starting Your Day Over
93) Be the Person You Want to Become
94) Give them the power
95) Red Flags for Identifying Burnout
96) Avoiding Burnout
97) Clearing Boulders and Pebbles
98) Attitudes that lead to Mediocrity
99) Freedom of Responsibility
Tools for Developing as a Human Being
These tools are used primarily for personal growth. As manager, you will want to impart some of these tools to members of your staff to use when you see them struggling with personal issues or suffering from self-destructive behaviors.
Growth doesn’t stop unless you stop pursuing it.
1) What drives my life?
What is my motivation in life? Is it money? ...power? ...love? ...fame? ...approval? Now consider what your life would be like if you had as much as you wanted. Would it be enough? Would you then be happy?
This is basically a “reality check” on what I am devoting my life too. We often set our sights on one thing when we actually desire something quite different. Eventually, we achieve what we think we wanted but feel empty.
It’s a wise individual who knows what they want, works toward it, but remains grateful for what they have. Happiness comes from within – not without.
2) Gratitude List - What Is Here To Celebrate?
Write a list of fifty things you are grateful for today and put it in a safe place. Tomorrow, take out your list and read it out loud. Carry a pad of paper or a notebook with you throughout the day and jot down fifty more things you are grateful for today as you think of or notice them. Do this each day for four months: read your previous day’s list and then write a new list. I will be surprised if you will want to stop at the end of four months. You will learn that the miracle isn’t in the lists – it’s in the learning to look for the beauty and blessings.
(example): Today, I am Grateful for:
1. my grandson’s laughter
2. cool, crisp, clean sheets at the end of a long, hard day
3. the murmuring of my daughter asleep on my chest
4. the smell of honeysuckle and the sound of crickets on a warm summer’s night
5. the excitement in my son’s eyes when he catches a fish
6. the awe of holding my wet baby for the first time
7. the first time I fell hopelessly in love
8. my grandfather’s stories
9. the shy, awkward way my son kisses me goodnight
10. etc., etc., etc.
(You only have to look for blessings to find them.)
3) Don’t Fear Change – Embrace It!
If you want to change your life, I mean really change it, become willing to change everything.
We are naturally creatures of habit. We often become stuck in ruts and routines that “suck” the spontaneity and adventure out of life. Trudging through day-to-day life, we become bored and discontent. The regular becomes routine, the routine becomes a rut, the rut becomes a habit, and the habit becomes mundane and mechanical. Our lives become mundane and mechanical. Our lives lose meaning.
Have you ever pulled into your driveway and not remembered the drive home? Our behaviors become automatic – no thought or attention paid to them. Where were you during that period of the drive home?...LaLa Land? ...Zoned out? Were you living or merely existing?
If we keep on doing what we’ve always done – we will keep on getting what we’ve always gotten. If you’re happy and content with what you’ve always gotten, then don’t change a thing. But if you’re not, then make the effort to change everything. Change the way you get up in the morning, what you have for breakfast, the route you drive to work, the greeting you give people, your desk or office, the place you have lunch, what you have to eat, your route home, where you shop, how you would eat dinner (turn off the TV, light candles, play music, sit down and talk with your spouse or children), your evening activity, what time you go to bed, the time the alarm is set. Change every little thing you can think of.
This will be extremely difficult at first and you will find yourself doing the “old rut stuff” without even realizing it. Change is uncomfortable – it feels unnatural and stressful and it’s scary. That’s ok – it takes time to change a behavior – it’s a process.
Each day, when you get dressed, put your watch on the opposite wrist it was on the day before. This is a good reminder throughout your day to pay attention to things you can change. Imagine what life might be like if everything were new and different.
There’s an old saying, “People will only change when it becomes too painful not too.” But what if we lose fear of change and learn to embrace it? What if we were able to go through life not knowing and not fearing what to expect next? What if change became comfortable and we were able to accept life as it happens? Life becomes and adventure that gets to be lived instead of a task which has to be gotten through.
Life becomes interesting – you become interesting – you will discover new people, new places, new interests, and a new appreciation of your life.
4) Know your triggers - and what to do.
We all have triggers (things which trigger certain memories, emotions, or behaviors within us). Some triggers are positive (a favorite song may trigger joy and love, reminding us of a romance we experienced when we first heard the song). Some triggers are negative (someone laughs at us for making a mistake and we instantly feel the shame of countless other experiences when we were humiliated or made the butt of some joke). The experiences may be old and have nothing to do with the current situation or the intentions of the person laughing – but the pain is real – the pain doesn’t know the difference, it hurts all the same.
Different triggers cause various pain – shame, anger, fear, frustration, humiliation, lust, remorse, resentment, etc. By identifying our triggers and separating the current situation from all the past situations, we learn to deal with the feelings at hand.
EXERCISE: ON A SEPARATE PIECE OF PAPER, write six lists of things which “trigger” 1) Fear, 2) Shame, 3) Anger, 4) Sadness, 5) Loneliness, and 6) Humiliation in you. Now write what you will do if confronted with each one. Share it with a friend.
5) Remember the WARNINGS SIGNS – “H.A.L.T.” HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY, TIRED!
Our brain, like our body, needs fuel, relaxation, stimulation, and rest. Whenever we allow ourselves to become too hungry we deprive our brain of the nutrients it needs to function properly. Our thoughts become clouded and sluggish. We become irritable and impatient.
Anger is a very strong emotion which gives us an illusion of power or control. Notice, I said illusion. It often also causes us to throw reason out the window regardless of the consequences.
Loneliness is also a dangerous place for us to be. Are we lonely because we isolate? Or do we isolate because we are lonely? It doesn’t matter because each feed off one another becoming a self-perpetuating cycle. I don’t want to be around anyone, which makes me lonely, and the lonelier I feel the less I want to be around anyone. When I am lonely, I spend far too much time in the most dangerous place in the world for me – my own head – with my own thoughts – my own fears, self-pity, despair, insecurities, and vanity (self-pity is vanity disguised as suffering).
Feeling too tired or not getting enough rest also puts us in a dangerous place. Life becomes a chore and we begin to stop appreciating what we do have. We lose motivation to live and we begin just to exist. We become human doings instead of human beings.
When I’m hungry, I need to eat something healthy. When I’m angry, I need to call a close friend and talk it out. When I’m tired, I need to rest.
It doesn’t matter if I want to or not. Whenever I am in any of these positions, I don’t want to do anything that is good for me – and that’s the point!
I don’t have to want to do it – I just have to do it!
6) The phone is your friend and can save your life.
The phone can be a powerful friend and tool when used properly. We’re fortunate in this day and age. With the prolific use of cell phones, support is at our fingertips 24/7. There’s no reason a person cannot contact a friend or a loved one any time they need.
Once you have the names programmed, call someone. We need to not only learn but also practice new behaviors. Call at least three people each day even if it’s just to say, “Hi.” After a while this new behavior will become second nature to you.
At first, you may find all kinds of reasons (excuses) why you shouldn’t call – don’t want to bother them, they’re probably busy, they’re probably eating dinner, etc. Recognize this as old behavior – old thinking. This is behavior and thinking we must change. This is your new program of change to enhance your life. Take care of yourself (it’s ok) and do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy.
Consider this practice for the time when you really NEED to talk to someone. It’s amazing how heavy the phone becomes and how vague the numbers seem and how powerful the reasons (excuses) sound at such times.
One thing you will discover is that people will love to hear from you even if it’s only “Hi, how ya doing?”
Then, when the time comes that you NEED to talk, getting hold of someone will be easy – second nature for you.
7) Do something GOOD for someone else without them or anyone else knowing it was you that did it.
This is a gift to yourself really. Do something good for someone else without them or anyone else knowing it was you. Think – really think about what someone you know needs, then do or get it for them. The trick is: neither they nor anyone else can know it was you that did it. You will learn the value of giving selflessly without expecting anything in return.
Take a little time and figure out something really good you can do for someone else. Now I don’t mean open a door or pull out a chair. Find something that someone really needs, something that could really help someone.
Now here’s the catch – the tough part! No one, especially the person you do it for, can know that it was you that did it!
The first time I was given this as an assignment I responded with, “Wait a minute! Why do it if no one knows it’s me?”
My mentor then explained if I have to let anyone know that it was I that did it then I’m not really doing it for someone else, I’m doing it for myself.
“But how are they going to know what a giving, selfless guy I am – how compassionate and caring I am?”
My mentor just shook his head (he shakes his head a lot). “That’s my point! By not letting anyone know, you will learn the joy of giving without expecting anything in return.”
Why should I need recognition, validation, and approval for doing something good? Self-centeredness. This tool helps us get out of “self” and recognize the value of service.
In healing, we need to get out of self and connect to others and the world around us. It’s a process. It takes work. But the reward is unimaginable – priceless. You will find that this tool is a precious gift you give yourself.
8) Do something good for yourself - YOU DESERVE IT!
Do something good for yourself – You Have Permission!!! You don’t have to feel guilty!!!
I don’t mean treat yourself to an ice cream sundae or a lobster dinner. Do something really good for yourself. Give yourself a little dignity, a little respect, a little compassion, a little love.
I’d kill the son-of-a-bitch that treated me the way I did – but I did. I wouldn’t let anyone hurt or abuse someone I cared deeply for so why would I allow someone hurt or abuse me? I can feel compassion today for someone who is hurting – who needs help. So why can’t I have a little compassion for myself.
It’s time to be on your own side. Choose to value yourself, treat yourself with respect, to stand up for your right to exist.
Be loving to yourself because you ARE loveable. You may not see it, but treat yourself lovingly and you will grow to see it.
Become willing to experience--to make real to yourself, without denial or evasion--that you think what you think, feel what you feel, desire what you desire, have done what you have done, and are what you are.
Have compassion for yourself. Be a friend to yourself. Your wants and dreams, your values and beliefs, your thoughts, opinions, and your feelings are important. No more important than anyone else's – but no less important either.
You are not perfect – and guess what – it’s OK. No one else is perfect either. We are all perfectly imperfect. By working a program we discover our flaws but also those wonderful things about ourselves. In working a program, we learn to nurture the wonderful things and work on our flaws.
Remember – Progress Not Perfection.
9) Eat a balanced diet, exercise, & get plenty of sleep -- "feeling" healthy is a large part of "being" healthy.
Eat a balanced diet, exercise, and get plenty of sleep. Sounds simple doesn’t it? Then why is it we have such a difficult time doing it?
We all have great intentions of one day starting that diet or exercise program but somehow we never get around to it.
Embracing change filters to all areas of our lives. Getting ourselves healthy and keeping ourselves healthy is extremely important. When we feel slow, sluggish, and weak we lose motivation and desire. When we lose motivation and desire we become complacent and life becomes a chore.
Some of us have done extensive damage to our bodies and they are in need of constant monitoring and daily care. Others of us find that we are just very run down and out of shape. Whichever the case, we need to learn to love, care for, and respect ourselves – and that includes our bodies.
Bodies need fuel in order to operate properly. If we deprive them of proper nutrients they will draw these nutrients initially from fat. But fat is a poor source of nutrients so the body will begin to draw needed nutrients from muscle and organs. The more our body does, the harder it works, the more nutrients it requires. Exercise without eating properly significantly damages the body.
Muscles need nutrients and exercise to tone and grow. They also need rest to heal. Exercising a muscle actually tears it. Proper rest and nutrients allows muscle to repair itself stronger than it was before the exercise.
A body that is run down is prone to circulatory, skeletal, and neurological problems as well as long list of diseases and organ problems. Simple attention to the fuel we ingest, rest, exercise, and care we give our bodies is a sound way to insure physical well-being.
Feeling healthy – feeling alive – initiates a positive outlook on the world around us and gives us strength to deal with problems and change. It allows us to handle the stress of life’s problems. When our physical self isn’t healthy our emotional, mental, and spiritual selves aren’t healthy either.
10) Learn to laugh from the gut, weep from the heart, and wonder in awe at the miracles all around you.
True freedom is the ability to be real, open, honest, and genuine. To feel secure within oneself allows a person to experience others and the world to its fullest. The old saying, “Laughter is the best medicine,” is true. Laughter heals the heart.
The ability to weep from the heart is the ability to feel from the soul. Sadly, many people are emotionally dead, hardened, cut-off from the world around them. Most have been hurt so they build walls to keep out further pain. And the walls work. They do keep out further pain, but they also keep out the good as well. Walls keep out everything, but mostly, they keep out intimacy. Maybe that’s why so many people feel so alone today.
Without the ability to weep, there is no intimacy. Without intimacy, there is no connectedness with people. Without connectedness, there is no joy and laughter, and without joy and laughter, one cannot wonder in awe at the miracles around them.
11) Become a student of life
Read a book you normally wouldn’t, take a class, attend a workshop or seminar, etc. There is more in this world than anyone could ever comprehend. The more I learn, the more I weep at my ignorance. Enrich your life with knowledge and it becomes an adventure.
“There are more things in this world than are dreamt of in your philosophy”
- William Shakespeare
12) Discover Your Passion
What do really love doing? What gives your life meaning? Is it painting? playing music? building things? fishing? dancing? learning?
EXERCISE:
List 20 things you have never tried before and resolve to do at least one of those things each week. You just may discover something wonderful. If you find you really don’t like something, well, you don’t have to do it ever again. But at least you’ll know. Having trouble coming up with 20 things? What does that tell you?
13) Stay off the "pity pot" - take a friend and volunteer at a shelter for the homeless or abused children.
“Nobody likes me. Nobody understands me. I’ve caused so much damage, hurt so many loved ones. I’m such a horrible person. Life is so hard. I’ll never be able to make it up to everyone. No one hurts as much as I. No one has been mistreated as badly as I. No one has been betrayed as much as I. No one suffers like I. Woe is me.”
Well, you’re absolutely right. Woe is you – for acting this way. Get off the cross, we need the wood. Remember, self-pity is actually vanity disguised as suffering. And yes, you may have pain. You may have suffered. You may have been betrayed or abused. But why do you so zealously hold onto this pain. Yes, life is hard – as hard as you make it. You can be the best person you can be today. But as long as you wallow in that pain, refusing to let it go, you will continue to suffer.
What do you want to do? Just lay down and die? Or do you want to live – to make a difference?
It’s often hard to recognize when we’re feeling sorry for ourselves. It’s also hard to do anything about it because self-pity, like boredom kills motivation. We become very comfortable wallowing in our misery and very often come to wear it like a badge of honor.
What Arrogance!!!
Once again, we need to get out of “self” and the best way to do this is to be of service. Call a close friend and volunteer at a homeless shelter, a home for abused children, a home for the elderly, etc. Anywhere you can help someone less fortunate than yourself – and don’t make any excuses, there’s always someone less fortunate than you.
Believe me, when a child gives you a sincere, heartfelt, “Thank you,” for plopping a ladle full of goop on a metal tray your perspective and appreciation of your world changes.
14) A Pocket full of Dimes.
In changing a behavior, it is necessary to be constant until a healthy behavior becomes natural (and replaces) the unhealthy behavior. A woman told her husband that she loves to be hugged. He came from a family that was not affectionate and didn’t like hugging. He loved her and wanted to please her so he decided to start hugging her. He put 10 dimes in his right pocket. Throughout the day, every time he hugged her he would take a dime out of his right pocket and put it in his left. At the end of the day, he would count the dimes in his left pocket to see how well he did.
15) What Do I Want For My Life?
Is this how you envisioned your life? Are you happy? ...content? What would you like to see different? I can’t count the number of clients I’ve worked with over the years who weren’t living their own lives. I’ve had clients who became lawyers because Dad was a lawyer and Dad’s dad was a lawyer when all they really wanted to do was paint. I’ve had clients who became doctors because “we’ve always had doctors in the family” when all they really wanted to do was build things or dance or teach. They were so busy living someone else’s life they didn’t have a chance to live their own.
What happens to a codependent when they die? Somebody else’s life flashes before their eyes. Imagine: you’re old and gray, lying on your deathbed, looking back over your life and you realize that you never went on that trip you always dreamed of, you never rode those rapids you always talked about, or never shared that special time with your kids that you meant to because you were always too busy. After all, there would always be another day, wouldn’t there? Another day, another vacation, another opportunity to do everything – “and man what fun we’ll have then.” But somehow, it never happened. Somehow, life got in the way.
And then you realize that your finite time on this earth, your one and only life -- is spent.
We get so busy with life we don’t spend any time living it. We become human doings instead of human beings. And then we make that fatal mistake...we blink and it’s over.
If you had it to do over again, what would you do differently? How would want to spend it? Well, instead of looking back 20 or 30 years from now regretting -- thinking about what you should have done differently today – DO IT TODAY!!!! Don’t spend the next 20 or 30 years building regrets. Don’t waste your life.
Ask yourself, “What do I want out of my one and only life?” This life is yours – let others live theirs.
EXERCISE: Write 4 lists describing, “What do I want my life to be like:
one year from now?”
five years from now?”
10 yrs.?”
20 yrs.?”
Now, write how you see the things and people in your life at each of these times.
Where do you want to be physically, emotionally, spiritually?
What do you want to look back on with gratitude and contentment?
What regrets do you not want to have?
16) Take your own daily inventory - NOT OTHER'S!
It’s too easy to recognize and point out flaws in others, but when I find myself doing this I must ask myself, “Why?” I usually find that I’m doing it to avoid looking at myself. What is it that is going on in me that makes me judgmental toward someone I don’t even know?
Instead of looking at others, I should be concerned about how I am doing. Am I doing the right things? Do I want to be a person who looks for the flaws in others or do I want to be a person that looks for the goodness in others. Personally, I try to be the best person I can be each and every day. Each morning when I wake up, I make this a conscious decision. Throughout my day I try to aware of anytime I offend or hurt someone, and when I do, I do my best to set it right, right then. I don’t want to wait till late. Remember the bricks? I don’t want to carry any bricks any longer than I have too.
In the evening before bed, I look back over my day and if I can honestly say I haven’t hurt anyone, not even me, then I’ve had a great day.
17) Pursuit of Humility - if you "think" you are humble, you're not. Your reward is in the pursuit of humility.
The principle of humility states that all human beings are equal—nobody is better or worse than another. It means having respect for the inner dignity of every person—to speak to that part of them that is their beauty and goodness instead of their ugliness and badness. Look for that part of God in everyone.
The pursuit of humility keeps us grounded in reality and instills in us a sense of compassion both for ourselves and others. It's the pursuit of humility which keeps us from becoming self-righteous.
What arrogance! -- What ignorance! -- What innocence!
18) Street Cleaning - keep your side of the street clean.
This tool is used in conjunction with “tool #16.” Perform Reality Checks (tool #51) throughout your day, be honest, and ask yourself if you have hurt or mistreated anyone. If you answer, “Yes,” now is the time to go and set right your part of whatever happened. We can’t control anyone else. All we can do is make sure we’ve cleaned up anything we are responsible for.
EXERCISE: Think of a time you got into an argument with someone and you said or even did things you normally wouldn’t do – you would normally find unacceptable.
1. Ask yourself, “Did I say or do things I find inappropriate or shameful?” Now be honest with yourself. Your first inclination will be to justify your actions because the other individual said or did this or that. What the other individual has done has nothing to do with it – it doesn’t matter what they did. Their baggage is their baggage – let them carry it.
2. Ask yourself, “Why did I give this other person the power to make me say and do things I am not proud of?”
3. Ask yourself, “What might I have said or done differently?”
4. Ask yourself, “Do I regret having said or done those things?” If your answer is no, then ask yourself, “Why am I unwilling to let go of the feelings surrounding this incident?” “Am I still angry?” “Am I still justifying my behavior?”
5. If you are willing to give up the pain (frustration, shame, resentment, hurt, etc.) then go to the individual and:
a. validate what you said or did that you wish you hadn’t,
b. admit your behavior was inappropriate and you regret having done it,
c. apologize for YOUR behavior (do not explain why you did it),
d. ask the individual how you can make it up to them.
Now here is the important thing, you are doing this to clean up YOUR side of the street. You are not attempting to clean up their side of the street and you are not looking for an apology from them. Do not expect them to understand or reciprocate. I guarantee if you do, you will be disappointed and will even develop a new resentment.
The idea is to acknowledge and let go of the pain you have created in your life. This sets you free. When you go to bed, you will be able to look back over your day and feel good about you.
19) Beating yourself up -- with a belt
No one can beat us up the way we can. We are our own worst critics. By the time we are twenty years old, we have 35 thousand hours of “Self-talk” tape running through our heads – 80% of which is negative. Whether it’s criticism from someone else or from ourselves, we cause the most pain in our lives. (see Tool #21)
Most of us find ourselves judging, chastising, or scolding ourselves for not living up to some unrealistic expectation we have of ourselves. Physical wounds will usually heal by themselves given time. Emotional and spiritual wounds fester – become worse with time. Why do we find it so difficult to hold a compliment in our heart for more than just a fleeting moment?
EXERCISE:
Whenever you realize you are “beating yourself up” with this negative “self-talk” – stop what you are doing, take off your belt, and begin to beat yourself on your back. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing – STOP and beat yourself. Continue this until you begin to realize how stupid and self-destructive it is – then STOP and ask yourself,
“Why am I doing to my soul what I’m doing to my back?” Then use Tool # 80.
20) Make a Balance Wheel - is your life balanced?
All of us have special talents and can do amazing things; we just have trouble doing life. Without even being aware of it, we can find ourselves focused, even obsessed, on one area or another of our lives and do not realize that the other areas are suffering. In a sense, we become addicted to one area. Whenever we fail to have balance in our lives – whenever we allow one part to become so important that it edges out others, we will have consequences. If we allow it to continue long enough, we will have life-damaging consequences.
Example: Unfortunately in our culture, workaholics are often revered. Considered “movers and shakers” in the industry, self-made men, pulled himself up by his bootstraps; these people have become addicted to work. Like any addiction, it’s the addiction itself which inhibits the individual from recognizing and admitting that there is really a problem. Yes, he may make a lot of money and accomplish great things and get great satisfaction from his efforts, but he will eventually lose his family, his purpose, and maybe even his life.
Having little or no time for his wife and children, they learn to live without him. They’ve learned they can’t count on him to show up at their Little League game or their recital or family functions. In essence, they’ve lost him to work. The children may grow up angry and resentful or simply indifferent. Often, there is divorce and the family goes on to live their lives. Originally, he may have worked to have a life, but somewhere along the line the only thing that became important – the only thing which gives live any meaning is his work.