EPUB Ebooks: Free ebook sample of "Lifeline" by Stéphanie Chénard

Foreword

This novel was written with the following purpose in mind: to make people understand that homosexual couples' love stories can be as beautiful as straight couples are. Also, the novel was created in order to inform the readers that AIDS is still around and that we must do all that we can to prevent it from spreading. The syndrome's seriousness must not be ridiculed, for it weakens the immune system to a point where one can die from pretty much any type of diseases. It is not because we live in a developed countries that we are protected against it and that we cannot die from it.

On the other hand, it is important that we do not think that there is no hope for AIDS sufferers. On the contrary, treatment is possible to this day, although a cure hasn't yet been found. With the aid of a combination of three different types of medicine, which is called a tritherapy, seropositive individuals who have contracted AIDS in turn can now live an almost perfectly normal life and do so until an old age. However, it is not the case for everyone.

People who live in underdeveloped countries do not always have that chance, sadly. Even those who live in rich countries can die from the repercussions of AIDS. Late diagnoses can contribute to the spreading of the virus in the system, once one has been contaminated. Also, patients who fail to take their medicine and go to the hospital on a regular basis or simply refuse to do so run a very high risk. In that case, the virus sometimes mutates, which makes it grow resistant to the treatment. If that happens, another combination of medicine must be found, or else one can easily succumb to an illness that normally wouldn't have killed them.

Many things that are treated as facts in this story -- such as daily life in Japan and Korea, the health services, the information concerning HIV, AIDS, and all that it implies -- were simply found through researches on the net. Therefore, there is a high possibility that there are slight mistakes or inaccuracies here and there. If such is the case, I apologize, but I have done my best to represent the reality as best as was possible from what I could gather. Thank you!

The author, Stéphanie Chénard

Glossary

Korean Vocabulary

Aish: Expression of exasperation, frustration or anger.

-ah: Familiar suffix which is used to refer to people who are relatively close to us. Generally used after a name that ends with a consonant.

Dongsaeng: Little brother; Korean males use that title to refer to men one or a few years younger.

Hyung: Big brother; Korean males use that title to refer to men who are one or a few years older.

Hyungdeul: Plural version of hyung.

Yah: It can either mean "Hey!" or "Listen!" or something along those lines.

-yah: Familiar suffix which is used to refer to people who are relatively close to us. Generally used after a name that ends with a vowel.

Japanese Vocabulary

-chan: Familiar suffix which is used to refer to people who are relatively close to us. Its usage usually addresses children or girls, although it is also used among friends of an older age.

Chuu: In the japanese culture, this is an onomatopoeia that refers to a kissing sound.

Ganbare: Hang in there, don't give up!

Gomen: Excuse me; more casual way to say sorry than "Shitsureishimasu".

Kyaa: Expression of surprise, adoration or enchantment often used by japanese schoolgirls.

Moshi moshi: Means hello and is used when one answers the phone.

Omedetou: It either means "congratulations" or "happy birthday".

Shinkansen: Bullet train; it designates high speed trains in Japan.

Shitsureishimasu: Excuse me; formal expression used when entering or leaving an office.

Tomare: Stop; in this story, it designates the stop signs in Japan.

Yaoi: Refers to a comic book, a movie, a novel or anything of the sort that involves love between men.

Lifeline
Chapter One

[Yunbok's point of view]

Have you ever felt the need to cut the ties that bind you to your own reality, leave your whole life behind you and start anew as a completely different person?

As for me... Never.

I haven't, not in the peaceful twenty-two first years of my life.

Still...

That doesn't change the fact that this is what I'm currently doing, as I buckle the leather strap that keeps my personal belongings from falling over on the wooden floor of my bedroom. I try to maneuver the gigantic, oversized luggage through the narrow door frame and congratulate myself when I manage to do that much.

I sigh. It's going to be a long trip.

Almost half-heartedly, I pad throughout the corridor with heavy steps, the weight of my suitcase making it hard for me to walk properly. As heavy as it feels, however, it holds but a very small part of my life between its leather sides.

...This life that I've given up on living.

After all, if I'm going to reshape it as I see fit, I should keep very little remains of it, if none at all. There's no other way, this is something that I have to do. Stubbornly, I try to get that very idea to my head, but it's not a small task, alright. Not able to contain a slight feeling of nostalgia, I look around the room where I took all my meals for as long as I can remember.

On the kitchen table, a letter.

As I go over the scribbled lines once more, I could almost laugh at the ambiguity of the note. My index finger lingers over the word 'live' for a moment, tracing the unsure, awkward curves, before I come out of my trance and prepare to leave the house once and for all. Live, I think. What high hopes I'm giving him... Grasping the handle firmly, I turn it and push the glass door open.

If only he knew...

It would be wrong to say that this is all a scheme, a made-up lie, because it isn't. But while the letter holds some truth, it really is the peak of the iceberg.

It's better that he doesn't.

I step out into the bright sunlit day and as soon as the star's rays kiss my skin, I cannot hold back the smile that ghosts at the corner of my lips. Despite my being in a rather somber mood today, the good weather is enough to make me forget all my troubles, if only for a moment.

During that blissful episode, I drag my suitcase behind me until my feet take me to the side of the road, where a bus is supposed to come pick up travelers alike me. As I step up to the paved route, alone, the vehicle turns the corner of the street and advances towards me slowly, before finally immobilizing itself in front of me with a shrill sound.

Just in time. It seems that I'm in luck today.

The shallow doors open to make way for me as I hoist my luggage, and I climb the stairs with redoubled determination, not turning to look over my shoulder once.

I'm not going to go back.

A slight fear overtakes me as I scan my surroundings briefly. I worry that someone I know might be sitting among the passengers, aware of my plans. It would be so much easier for me to leave if I don't have to say goodbye in person, and I dread the possibility of such a confrontation. But luck strikes again: the bus is empty.

Relieved, I ignore the driver's questioning eyes and sit down at the very back.

And then it hits me.

I've done it. I'm leaving my hometown for the first time... and the last.

Why would I have this visceral need to leave such a gem of a beautiful place? You must be dying to know the reasons that have led me to take such an important step in my life. Perhaps you don't care. Regardless, I will reveal them all to you.

In order to fill you in on the situation, there is something that you must know.

I, Jung Yunbok, am gay.

Okay, there's no need to get the violins out, really. I've accepted that much long ago, actually, although I've never told anyone before. My mother is not in this world anymore, and my father would probably follow her out of disappointment in his one and only son, so strong and masculine. A real man, not a sissy.

And yet...

This is not the reason why I decided to take these actions.

The truth is that... I've never been in a relationship before. I've never had a boyfriend, neither have I ever been in love. However, I did have a one-night experience that turned my life into a nightmare and forever locked away all the possibilities of meeting someone in the future.

Do you see where I'm going?

That time where I had sex for the first time, or what I thought to be awkward, teenage lovemaking, the boy I was with was HIV-positive and transmitted me the virus.

Good guessing if you supposed that I'm going to kick the bucket soon.

You're not far from the truth.

Now, that in itself doesn't matter much to me anymore. Of course I would rather live an accomplished life filled with success, love and money... Who wouldn't? I mean, I don't desire death like some desire it, and I'm not a masochist. But I stopped fighting against nature's will when I realized that it was pointless.

My days are counted and there's nothing I can do about it, so I better stop crying for a miracle. I strongly believe that.

To be honest, when the symptoms started manifesting themselves, I rejected them as a simple cold that would go away as quickly as it had afflicted me. Many years had passed since that boy had shown me the door in the small hours of the morning, and no opportunities had shown themselves since, so I had no reason to suspect something of graver importance.

Even as my condition kept getting worse, I refused to see a doctor, convinced that everyone was making it a bigger deal than it really was. Nothing could have made me run to consult the specialist for it seemed to be a waste of time to me.

I wouldn't go. Definitely not.

When my mother passed away, though, my father started fearing that I would leave him just like she had, so he forcefully dragged me to the clinic against my will. You should have seen that. It was quite the show, really; a tall, muscular man being hauled off to the local healthcare facility by his even more imposing father...

I finally surrendered myself for the doctor to examine and question, while my father paced outside the small office.

Turns out that the facility was not sufficiently equipped to give me a proper verdict, but from what the man was able to observe, he admitted that I would do well to visit a hospital and have tests run on me as soon as possible. Just to be safe.

Always the positive and optimistic guy, I decided to comply without too much of a worry on my mind.

No need to panic.

I told my father that the doctor's prognostic had been one of a simple cold, that he had prescribed me antibiotics and that I would be fine. I did not want to worry him in the event that I had something serious -- which wouldn't happen, anyway -- and he was satisfied with my lies.

Not long after that, I went out of my way to go to the hospital in secret.

After going through an exhausting series of tests, I learned that despite what I had always believed, things like that did not always happen to others. I learned that things like that did not only exist in movies. I learned that the HIV virus that ran through my blood had led to the developping of AIDS, a syndrome that weakens the immune system.

Because I had waited too long, the disease had already taken its toll on me... If I did not do something soon, I was going to die from my own vulnerability to infections, as well as other types of illnesses that normally wouldn't have killed me.

And then, poof. I would be gone.

Needless to say, I fell off my little pink cloud of fake security and invincibility.

To this day, I have to undergo treatment and how I manage to do that everyday without my father having the slightest clue is beyond me. I was given a bunch of pills that I absolutely have to take in order to feel better, although they only provide me with a respite, not a cure. Never a cure. It's not going to happen.

The treatment is very expensive and exigent, and there's a limit to the funds that I can provide. I'm just tired of spending half of my life at the hospital, and the other half gulping down pills at home.

It's not like I have no chance of living to see myself grow gray hair and whatnot, but it's important for me to keep in mind that anything could happen to me, and at anytime. I should never rule out that possibility. After all, this is what I get for not being careful and for waiting so long before getting help.

Anyway...

My more or less imminent death is what finally sealed my decision to leave home, my family and friends, without telling a soul about where it is that I'm heading.

Pity is something that I could never take, and I refuse to reveal my fate to the people that I love and cherish so much. While I'm aware that I'll be hurting them by disappearing out of thin air, I don't want them to mourn my loss, so I'd rather feed them with hopes that I'm still around, somewhere, safe and sound.

And so I'm here, on a bus headed to God knows where.

There are many places that I wanted to see before it's no longer possible to me, and after weighing the good and the bad of them all, I decided that it did not truly matter.

I'll just have to pick something randomly. What difference does it make?

I don't know how much time has passed when the bus immobilizes itself at the airport. Minutes, hours? I don't really care. I've never been a genius at geography, anyway. Nevertheless, I finally step out of the vehicle and into the zoo. The place is swarming with busy people running left and right, and I, calm and with a slowed state of mind, feel like I stand out a little.

Holding onto my heavy baggage, I walk to the last-minute ticket booth.

A luscious blond foreigner greets me with a fake automated smile that soon turns into a real one once she has taken in my physical appearance. Without meaning to sound pretentious, I have to say that I'm quite used to drawing people's attention, with no distinction between men and women.

Poor lady. She's going to be disappointed.

"Excuse me..." I trail off in tentative (broken) English, offering her a view of my perfectly aligned white teeth. Hopefully it will make her forget about my pitiful attempt...

She answers in Korean, to my surprise and relief. "Yes? How may I help you?"

Thank God. She's truly a lifesaver, I think (with no pun intended). And then I remember that I'm in Korea. Of course. This is something that I should have expected, regardless of her ethnicity.

I ask her what is the next flight. Tokyo, Japan, she answers.

Perfect.

This is where I want to spend the rest of my days.

I tell her that I'm satisfied with the destination and look through my things in search of my debit card. I never was much of a spender, but I'm going to need this in the times to come. My mother's heritage and some meagre savings will be what gets me by everyday, for as long as they can last.

As I make the payment, a peculiar feeling starts to form in the pit of my stomach and for once, it's not the usual stomachache and nausea.

Excitement. I can barely contain it.

The blond hands me the usual traveling documents, the fake smile having made its way back to her lips. She has figured out that her charms aren't doing the trick on me, and I know what she's probably thinking.

And bingo. She's got it right.

Thanking her with a smile that makes her blush despite the circumstances, I grab my things and head towards the place she directed me to. Today is a good day, I decide. Neither the nausea or the migraine have manifested themselves yet, my steps are assured and my posture is steady.

As I step outside, preparing to board the plane, the fresh air reaches my lungs.

For the first time in a while, I feel perfectly healthy.

Although I'm aware that it might not last, though, I want to enjoy this last vacation for as long as it's possible for me.

I know what you're probably all thinking. A closet gay destined to die at the cost of his own sin decides to spare his loved ones by leaving to start a new life. Been there, done that. How original, right?

But keep that in mind before you decide to judge me...

As unoriginal as this story is, it's my life.

I will live it to the end.

Lifeline
Chapter Two

[Yunbok's point of view]

When I open my eyes again, I take in the sight of an elder woman crouching next to me.

She smiles at me in a soothing way, revealing deep wrinkles in the corner of her eyes and lips, and I vaguely wonder about her identity, my mind still hazy and blurred. "Ah, I see that you're awake, young man. We arrived in Tokyo a few minutes ago, but you were sleeping so soundly..."

Her words sound almost apologetic, as if she were sorry to interrupt my deep slumber.

Just... how soundly does she mean?

"O-oh..." I manage to voice out unintelligently, my brain seemingly still asleep. However, it wakes up in a start when I realize that I've been sleeping with my mouth open again, and I wipe the drool off my chin in a panic, embarrassed. "...Thank you." Her knowing smile still in place, she simply shakes her head and gets up to leave, heading for the exit.

Guess I should probably get out before the pilot decides to take the matter into his hands, right.

Somehow still drowsy, I rub the sleepiness off my face. I get to my feet with a little more difficulty than when I last sat down, a sure sign that it's past the time to take my medication. As if my earlier boost of energy had been but a phase, it seems to have faded away, although the excitement remains. Still...

I'm in Japan!

Picking up my belongings, I stagger in the direction that I saw the woman take not a minute ago and thanking the pilot for the good work (i.e. not crashing the plane), I step out onto foreign grounds.

The sight that greets me then is unlike anything that I could ever have imagined.

Hundreds of thousands of human beings, men and women, quickly move past me as they go about their daily routine, looking like they know where they're going. As if they have been doing that their whole lives, unlike me.

I, Jung Yunbok, whose homeplace is a seaside town of no more than a hundred thousand residents, must say that I'm impressed. In this vast and animated airport walk more people than I've seen in my entire life. To think that I haven't even set foot in the city yet... I'm truly amazed. The little boy in me is rejoicing at the view.

...The grown man in me needs some fresh air.

Feeling the nausea creep its ugly head at me, I desperately look for a sign indicating that there is a wash room nearby, and after receiving my fair share of elbows in the ribs and feet on the toes that do nothing to better my current state, I spot the familiar pictograph across the room.

May the japanese gods have mercy.

I start to swim my way throughout the crowded area, bitterly regretting my forgetfulness. I cannot distinguish where the bodies start and end; rather, they all blend in a confusing blur of colors and movement. Ah, if only I had taken my pills like a big boy... Maybe I could be doing a little sight-seeing instead of visiting the bathroom, of all places.

Vertiginous, I finally reach my destination without too much harm.

The bathroom is not empty, unlike what I had been hoping for. A man stands in front of the sink, washing his hands, and he lifts his gaze to look at my reflection in the mirror.

For a moment, I forget about my uneasiness.

It suddenly feels like over the span of a split second, I become aware of details that normally wouldn't have caught my eye. Things like the silk of his flawless skin. The shine of his perfectly groomed hair. The curves of his well-defined jaw. The gloss of his full, red lips. The intensity of his sharp eyes, bearing into my soul like an uninvited guest... I feel the heat go up to my cheeks.

Like a blushing high school girl, I have to grab the stall's door to keep from collapsing.

And he stares...

...at me.

I grip the cool metal until my knuckles turn white. Losing my cool like that... So embarrassing.

Just when I thought that I couldn't be more under his charm, he speaks, voice highly smooth and seductive. "Is there a problem?" He asks calmly, although the serious of his black orbs is making me nervous. Already attained in my ego, I try to look equally as cool...

...and fail.

Seized by a new wave of nausea quickly taking over me, my eyes widen in surprise and I slap my hands over my mouth, retreating to the stall and slamming the door behind me. My head is thrown forward as I vomit uncontrollably. It's painful, disgusting and frustratingly mortifying, especially with my dream guy being a witness of it all.

And I'm thinking that I've had it up to here with this constant malady spoiling my every day when I hear his voice again, calling through the metallic door. "Do you need help?"

My foggy mind is able to register that: a) the heavenly man is talking to me, b) he's offering me assistance, c) he's doing it in Korean, not in Japanese like would have been expected of him, and d) I'm freaking throwing up in his presence like a pregnant woman.

It seems that the gods haven't heard my prayers.

"U-um, no." I manage to utter, albeit weakly, when my irritated stomach finally calms down. "Thank you for offering, though... I guess."

"Sure."

His steps echo on the tiled floor and I can hear the door open, then close, indicating that he has left the room. Oh, just my luck. He was gone before I could even catch his name.

Picking myself up from the floor, I walk to the place where he stood just a moment ago, looking at my reflection just like I am presently doing. I open the faucet that his fingers touched and splash my face with fresh water, grimacing at the odd taste in my mouth. My heart is still beating wildly, and I don't know whether it's from the vomiting or if his presence caused it to beat so fast.

I have a pretty good idea, though.

Shaken, I put my hands into an improvised cup to collect water, sip some of the fluid and gulp down my pills at last. It's not like it's going to help me feel much better, as the side effects are sometimes worse than the disease's symptoms, but I must take the medicine without fail... or so I've been told. I leave the room to join the crowd again and get out of here.

Leaving the airport doesn't mean less people, though. Far from it.

And the air is by no means fresh.

Despite those facts, I cannot help but be incredibly impressed by the images that my eyes send to my brain... Tokyo is truly a gorgeous place. Its tall buildings stand proud in a neat row, going up into the sky as if never-ending and I marvel before their high-tech beauty. There's a park in the distance and I can recognize the nature that I have always known among the cold, technological skyscrapers.

Oblivious to the many pedestrians' protest of my being in the way, I stand on the sidewalk like a child easily impressed, eyes bright with admiration and wonder.

What a great idea to come here.

If it weren't for that man running away before I even had the chance to know him, my day would be complete and my heart satisfied. The good easily outweights the bad, after all.

That man... I wonder who he was? He truly had a strong, powerful effect on me. The mere view of him had been enough to stir feelings in the deepest corners of my heart, although I have no idea why. I'm a hundred percent that I've never seen him before, much less spoke to him, so why does it feel like he is so familiar to me? ...How is that even possible?

Even now, many long minutes after his disappearing out of my sight, I can still see his perfect features, eyes lowered to the ground as he walks, and his subtle fragrance starts getting to my head...

Coming closer and closer...

And bam. A body comes into collision with mine and I am thrown backwards before I can even comprehend what's happening. If it weren't for a strong hand shooting out to grab my arm, I would have graciously landed on the hard concrete by now.

"What the hell were you doing, standing there like a gaping fish with your mouth open?"

That voice.

It's...

"Honestly. If you have enough time to waste, good for you, but some people are busy... unlike you." The hand loosens its grip on my arm, and I lift my gaze from the floor and into black pools of darkness. As our eyes meet for the second time that day, the man's expression changes to that of recognition... and is there a little bit of regret for sounding so cold? "...It's you."

It's... him.

Absolutely flabbergasted to be seeing him again so soon, I do not move an inch and he has to grab my arm again and move the both of us to the side, seeing how we're completely blocking the way.

I come out of my trance and finally in my right mind, feel the need to apologize. "...I-I'm sorry about that. I just arrived here and I'm kind of still not over it." He carefully observes me and I can see something that I missed before. He has dark rings of exhaustion under his eyes and he looks incredibly tired for such a young man. I wonder what's plaguing his mind?

"Don't be sorry, next time. Be careful." What was probably meant to sound rude comes off to me as kind of cute, although I might be slightly biased. Regardless, I'm not in the least offended by the words and I smile my most charming smile for him, no longer shy in his presence. "Looking forward to the next time, then."

It's kind of funny how my carefreeness seems to unsettle him quite a bit, and I must say that I revel in the way he looks when his guard is down. Simply adorable.

He shifts his eyes uncomfortably.

Over the past years of looking, not touching, I've kind of developed a radar when it comes to detecting gay men, and my radar is currently going haywire... Well, well, that is very interesting.

"So..." I trail off again, trying to gain his attention with another dashing smile. It seems to work. "What do you say we go somewhere to drink? I've heard there's a nice cafe nearby. This way, I can properly apologize for bumping into you and--"

He does not leave room for me to finish my sentence. "No thanks. I was heading somewhere before you so benevolently caused me to run into you."

Call me crazy, but his eyes say otherwise to me.

"...Really?" I cannot help the slight downward tug of my lips as they form a pout of obvious disappointment. I can't believe that I'm going to miss the chance of getting to know him once again in so little time! "Is it really that important? ...Where were you going?"

The cold stare has made its way back onto his face. "It's really none of your business, but if you must know, I was going to work. So yeah, kind of important, you know?"

Uh-oh. Am I getting a bit too familiar?

"Right." I laugh good-heartedly, waving off the matter with my hand. His gaze follows the gesture attentively. "Where are my manners?" Puzzled by his attitude, I really can't seem to figure him out. Despite speaking so crudely and blunt to me, I get the feeling that his words and his actions contradict themselves. He refuses my offer, but there's longing in his eyes.

...Ah, no use trying to resolve this now.

"That's fine. Then I guess I'll be seeing you around." Waving cheerfully at the perplexed man as if I hadn't really been emptying my stomach minutes ago, I turn heels and start heading somewhere, leaving him to ponder over what just transpired. Okay, it's not like I know where I'm going, but I'm certainly not going to let it show.

When I'm well out of sight, I look over my shoulder to see that he hasn't moved from his spot.

Will there be a next time?

Oh, I certainly hope so.

***

[Jaesun's point of view]

"I'm home!"

As I cross the treshold that leads to the living room, Chungho arrives from the kitchen to greet me. He opens his arms wide enough to embrace as much as three versions of me, and he crushes me into a gigantic bear hug. "Sunnie-baby! You finally came home to me! God, I missed you so much today..."

I roll my eyes... What a clown.

Make no mistake, he and I are not an item, just good friends living together. "Sisters" or "girlfriends" is what he calls us jokingly, though. He might not be far from the truth.

"Well, I didn't miss you." I counterattack to see how he will react, but my answer doesn't seem to faze him in the least.

Ah, too bad. He must be used to it already.

"Huh-huh." Plopping down on the couch to sit, he pats the spot next to him, indicating for me to do as much. He seems intrigued by what I'm obviously not telling him. That's really fine, though, because I'm quite intent on revealing it to him. "You're so mean, Jae. What was so incredibly important that you forgot about your one and only good friend?"

Thrilled to have his complete attention, I do not waste a second before joining him on the piece of furniture. "...I met a hot guy today. Oh, Chunnie, if you'd seen the Greek god!"

Chungho arches a well-defined eyebrow. "Greek?"

"...Or rather, Korean."

His face lights up at the word. "Just your luck, Jae-Jae! He must be a hottie, from the way you speak about him. I know how high your standards are."

Well, he got that right. Chungho's enthusiasm is truly endearing and a small smile tugs at my lips without me being able to do anything about it. When I remember the events that followed my meeting with the said "hottie", though, I look down to my palms resting on my thighs and put on a sheepish expression. "But, um... I was kind of an ass to him?"

He laughs. "Baby, you're always an ass. Don't worry about it." He says while patting my knee.

How totally mean of him.

I look at him with fake hurt, not really offended by the (true) statement. "...I guess you're right." I say miserably, standing up to leave the room. There's no harm in playing with him a little, right? And it always works, too, without fail.

Ever so gullible, he takes the bait. "...A fine piece of ass, by the way! Jaesun~" He follows after me, sincerely sorry to have hurt my feelings. "I didn't mean it that way! Don't be mad at me..."

Ignoring his protests, I retire to my room for a while, asking for a little bit of time to myself.

He complies half-heartedly, apologizing once again.

...I'm just too cruel.

Anyway, I make jokes and all, but my meeting with the dream guy earlier troubled me more than I let on and could have imagined. Of course, his good looks were more than a little appealing to me, but there was something else...

Something that ran deeper than physical attraction. What could it have been?

A single word passes through my mind at the instant and I throw myself on my bed, burying my face in my pillow... Hilarious. What a silly thought.

Shit.

I must be losing my mind.

Lifeline
Chapter Three

[Yunbok's point of view]

A few days have passed since my fated meeting with Mister Mysterious in the chic bathroom of the airport. (I know, how romantic.) I haven't been blessed enough to see his pretty face in person again, but the memory of it lurks in the corner of my mind during the day, and it haunts my dreams during the night...

I can't seem to get him out of my head and it freaks me out.

It really isn't in my nature to obsess over things, much less over people, which makes this situation all the more confusing to me.

All the time, at every moment, I catch myself wondering where he is, who he's with, what he's doing. I want to see him, a stranger, and I'm really starting to feel like a creepy stalker here. Would someone be so kind at to tell me just what is wrong with me?

Maybe the virus is getting to my head after all...

Can you feel my distress?

Anyway, after spending those past few days at the hotel, for lack of a better place to say, I've managed to find myself a nice, small apartment. Pay attention, because the point here is small, but I guess it'll do for one person. Not that I need any more space than that, anyway.

I'm used to the simple life, so I don't really mind.

Luckily for me, the landlord provided a refrigerator, a toilet and a shower. For now, a tatami mat, a table and two chairs are all I've bought. Yes, count them, two chairs. I don't know what I was thinking when I made that unnecessary purchase...

Or perhaps I do.

Aside from the emotionnal mess that my head currently is, what has become my new "home" is in surprising order, to my desperation and boredom. I kind of wish that I had boxes to unpack, just as long as it gave me something to do, but I don't really own much in the first place. That would be too much of a luxury.

If you're wondering about where I took the money, let me reassure you: I did not rob a bank. Actually, I'm living on meagre savings and my mother's heritage. One might be curious about just how long these funds will last me, but they're really all I have.

While I'm pondering over these thoughts, someone knocks at the door.

My heart does a backflip in my chest. Could it be..? I'm truly hoping that I'm wrong, but I picture my father or someone of the sort standing outside my door, ready to take me back home. I couldn't possibly face him after what I did. But how would he have found out about my whereabouts?

So many questions pop in my mind at this very instant, but I manage to summon up the courage to answer the door. And on the other side...

Two handsome guys.

A blond with feminine features stands at the front, holding a basket from which emanates a delicious fragrance -- brownies? What strikes me the most are his eyes, so very pretty. Behind him, a tall brunette with the figure and features of a model.

The both of them are smiling at me brightly.

Good god.

When did I get so popular?

"Hi there~" Cheerfully says the blond before I have the chance to place a word. "We're your neighbors from next door. We heard you were Korean like us and thought we would come over and welcome you properly! So welcome! We certainly weren't expecting such a cutie, though... Right, Dongminnie?" He turns to face the other man, who smiles at him in return.

"Geez, Insu-ah, don't be so bold with our new neighbor. You're going to scare him away."

The blond cocks his head to the side, apologetic. "...Sorry about that. Well, here, these are for you. Take them before Dongmin steals them from you... He likes food more than me."

To which said Dongmin protests. "That's not true! I love hyung more than anything."

A giggle.

"Hey, you! Be careful what you say! You might give him false ideas about us!"

So much energy kind of takes me by surprise, but I'm touched by the gesture and attention they're giving me. To think that I would be meeting such people here... Thankful, I bow respectfully. "Insu and Dongmin, was it? I'm Yunbok. Nice to meet you two. And uh, thank you for the gift, really. I wasn't expecting such a warm welcome so soon after moving."

Insu mirrors my action, looking delighted. "Likewise, Yunnie-yah. It's a pleasure."

Over his shoulder, Dongmin perks up at the words, seemingly uncomfortable. "Um, hyung. Don't you think you should be more respectful to him? He's our senior, after all..."

Insu freezes momentarily.

"Oh, no! No!" I dismiss the idea by waving my hands. "Don't worry about old formalities."

The angelic smile is back on Insu's face as quickly as it disappeared. "See, he doesn't mind! You may be younger than me, but sometimes you really act like an old man, Min. Act your age a little, would you?" Before Dongmin can protest at all, he interrupts him. "...Anyway! Sorry to be leaving so soon, but I've got a date to go to. We'll see you around, Yunbok!" Insu waves at me while dragging a flailing Dongmin along.

"Alright, then." Amused, I watch them leave, waving at their retreating backs. "See you later!"

"...What? It's not with me!" Dongmin feels the need to specify, looking nothing short of mortified. "Hyung?! ...Why are you dragging me along?"

"I'm saving his life! I don't trust you with him..." Looking over his shoulder, Insu winks at me behind Dongmin's back, sticking his tongue out.

"Yah! Yah! What's that supposed to mean?"


And just like that, they are gone.

...I feel lonely.

***

[Jaesun's point of view]

If there's something I wasn't expecting, it certainly is... this.

Somehow out of food provisions after throwing out left-overs that I feared were about to crawl out of the refrigerator and into the trash can by themselves, I finally resigned myself to go to the supermarket, a task that I hate beyond reason.

Just... You know?

It's always full of people who park their cart horizontally and block the alley, full of annoying kids who throw fits for a freaking box of Fruit Loops, full of elder women who pay with small change and coupons. I cannot be patient to save my own life, and I guess what gets to me the most is people like me who sigh and brood while they wait in line.

Now I'm starting to sound like a grumpy old man in his climacteric.

...I must be getting old.

But I seem to have gotten off-topic, so I'll just get back to what I was talking about before.

To the supermarket I went, then, which is how I got to the present situation. I'm walking down the canned food aisle, trying to keep my calm as a little brat wails his heart out, when I spot a man entering the aisle from the other side, looking deep in his thoughts. I can't see his face very well, because it's very small, but from what I can observe...

Oh, no.

No no no.

You've got to be kidding me.

As I recognize the owner of the face in question, I leave my cart, backtrack a little and dash behind a stack of tuna, receiving a look of disapproval from an elder woman. I smile awkwardly, embarrassed by my own childish attitude, afterwhich I go back to spying on my ideal.

The air catches in my throat.

He's... perfect.

He walks down the aisle nonchalantly, and as absurd at this may sound, he makes pushing a shopping cart look damn sexy. I lick my lips at the sight, ignoring the old lady's indignation.

Almost as if he were aware that he's being observed, he stops his cart and steps aside to pick a can from the shelf, and I have to keep myself from drooling at the way his jeans cling oh-so-perfectly to his long legs in all the right places... Oh damn. Someone kill me now. Before I do something drastic.

And yet...

The charm is broken when he coughs hoarsely and so hard that he bends down in half, after which he raises his head slowly, as if dizzy... That's right, he did throw up that one time, didn't he?

And then I realize that as godly as he may look, he doesn't seem to be very healthy.

I don't know why, but I...

I worry.

He chooses that moment to turn his head in my direction, and I'm a split second too late to react. I'm discovered! When I see him head towards me, I retreat behind the stack of tuna, entering the alley next to this one, and I hurry to the end of it, hoping to escape before he catches me. However, when I reach the extremity, I come face to face with him.

Apparently, I've underestimated him. Either that, or he already knows me too well, which is rather unlikely, right?

He's... god, so close that I can almost taste him. Only a few inches away from me, he doesn't seem to want to move. I decide to take the initiative, stepping back a little. "...Hey, it's you again. So what are you doing here?" He inquires as I scrutinize the floor. So much for looking cool and collected.

"I'm running errands, obviously. Isn't that what we're all here for?"

Not taking the offense, he takes a step forward. I do not move. "Normally, yes, and that's exactly what I was doing, but not what you were doing... You were checking me out, weren't you?"

Well, well.

Isn't he more confident than when he was hogging the toilet?

I take the offense. "I was not!" Oh, but I was. "Don't be so full of yourself... You're not even my type anyway." I say all this while trying to look miffed, but my flushed cheeks kind of give me away and ruin the overall image. He doesn't seem to be very convinced, but he decides to drop the subject. "Hey, hey. You don't have to get so carried away... I was simply joking."

Right, right. Joking.

Except that what he said is the utter and complete truth. He knows that I know that he knows that I have been staring at his perfect self all this time. That, in itself, is enough to irritate me to no end. "Don't make jokes like that, then. No one's laughing." In those times, escape is the best way to go, so I make to leave at once. No use staying here any longer.

"...Wait!" He catches my wrist as I'm walking away, sending electric jolts all throughout my body. "...Don't leave yet. Listen, I'm sorry." Shaken, I snatch my wrist back, my knees growing weak. He, too, seems taken aback. Did he feel that..? From a simple touch...

It's like I...

Only a touch... A simple touch, and he feels... so cold.

"Um. I've been meaning to ask you... What's your name? ...I'm Yunbok. Jung Yunbok."

A mere smile from him is all my fiery temper needs to be tamed, at least for now, and I forget all about my plans to go home. I'm almost ashamed to say so, but that's how it really is. "I-I, um. Jae--" I take a deep breath, unable to say any more. "...Kim Jaesun." I finally manage to utter, humiliated by my own weakness. Now all my efforts of looking uninterested have gone to waste.

That look in his eyes... I feel like he has complete control over me, and I really dislike that...

Has he figured me out just yet? Has he seen through my act?

"Jaesunnie, then, is it?" Extending his hand to shake mine American-style, he's already giving me pet names, although we barely know each other yet. The nerve of this guy! I mean, sure, he's pretty hot, but what gives him the right to be so damn familiar with me? "...Say, um... Do you want to go somewhere? I figured I'd invite you before you run away again..."

I push his hand away, looking daggers at him. "I'll pass... and don't call me that."

Aish... Why am I so hormonal today? I can't help but wonder why I would feel the need to get under his skin, yet push him away as soon as he gets close to me. I simply hate the way he looks at me, because it enhances that feeling, yet as his hand falls back against his side, I feel the urge to grab it and never let it go. But most of all, I hate the way he makes me lose my senses, leaving me to his mercy...

The only thing that comes to mind is: I just badly need to get laid and I don't want to bottom.

Yes, that must be it. Makes sense right? It can't possibly be more than that.

I want to top.

"So, Jaesunnie..." He repeats, blatantly ignoring my warning. Is that Yunbok guy suicidal? Oh, he must be, alright. He obviously isn't aware that he shouldn't mess with me, lest he wants to face Kim Jaesun's wrath, which is not a very good idea. Nope, definitely not. Pissed off, I start to walk off again, ignoring him. "I said don't call--"

"...Why do you always look so unhappy, Jaesun?"

I freeze. Literally.

W-what?

How did he..? How..? I mean, he doesn't even know me, so how can he be so damn right in everything that he says? Why must he see right through me? ...Why must he hit the bull's eye every single damn time? I don't understand...

...just how the hell he can manage to destabilize me no matter what he says or does.

Afraid to look over my shoulder, because his eyes might just lure me in once more, I stare at the tiled floor obstinately. "...I'm perfectly happy with my life, thank you very much."

Once I regain the usage of my legs, I storm out of the supermarket before I say anything I might regret, leaving him behind. He doesn't follow me. Good.

I think... It might be better if I never see him again.

I'm not sure if my heart can take it.