I’m Still Here
The History, Testimony, Education, Outcomes, and Strengths of People Living with HIV/AIDS & STDs
By Venus Perez
Smashwords Edition
© Copyright 2006 Venus Perez
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I would like to thank GOD, my Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit for guiding my every step, and transforming my life. My husband Richard for his support, and kind hearted spirit that allowed me to be me. My daughter G, who gave me the biggest gift of all. My brothers and sisters: Grace, Janet, Michael and Joey. My Nieces and Nephews: Mario, Anthony, Maria, Jesus, Jose, Angel, Mary, Michael, Kristina, Melody, Gabriela, and the newest baby Marcus. My Uncles and Aunts: Moses Perez, David Domena (thank you for the art design for this book cover), Neida Perez, Joanie Domena, Lola & Myra. My Cousins: Dino, Rickie, Jeanine, Didi Junior, Peachy, and Jenny. Love unconditionally shown to me by my dogs Suzie and Lola. Special thanks to my health care team: Primary Specialist- Dr. Sultan Rahaman, Infectious Disease- Dr. Christopher Cooper, Cardiologist- Dr. Vakili, ER Physician- Dr. Salin of South Seminole Hospital, Acupuncturist- Dr. Sam Kim and my Chiropractors- Dr. Kevin Wynne & Dr. Mark Pegan, who cared enough to keep me alive and well. My present support group and past support groups of people I have met that are no longer with us today. And last but not least my friends Patricia Arias, Karen Jaeger Danny Ramos and Kacey Cahill who inspired and helped me blossom to the person I am today.
“The thief’s purpose is to steel and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness”
(John 10:10)
KJV
I’M STILL HERE: The History, Testimony, Education, Outcomes and Strengths of People Living with
HIV/AIDS & STDs
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 1: Testimony Myself
CHAPTER 2: HIV/AIDS Nutrition
CHAPTER 3: Snapshots of HIV/AIDS
CHAPTER 4: What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You-STDs and You
CHAPTER 5: HIV/AIDS Prevention
CHAPTER 6: Achieving Your Goals & Learning to Teach OthersPage
POINTS OF REFERENCE
DISCLAIMER
INTRODUCTION
The year is 2009. We have come so far yet we are not quite there. Many lives were lost yet many still live. Many know the means of transmission, yet many neglect to follow it. Many of us live the fast life, looking for excitement, for success. We are constantly searching for that missing part that dwells deep inside, each one of us. For many of us, we are lost, broken, unloved, discriminated, depressed and angry. We are still in denial, shunned by society as lepers were years ago. We are individuals with HIV/AIDS. We are part of the world and each one of us is loved by GOD our creator, no matter who we are, or what disease we may have. We are part of this world and this society. Our lives have meaning, and each one of us can make a difference. I would like to take you on a journey where you can experience the history, the struggles, trials and outcomes. Our testimonies, weaknesses, strengths, and our never ending hope for tomorrow.
CHAPTER 1
TESTIMONY
Myself
In composing my personal journal writings, I would like present to you a look at the events leading to the choices and decisions I’ve made in my life. I hope my testimony enables you to make meaning out of my experience, and to see the consequences of my actions, be they bad or good. My destiny was structured based on each choice I made.
The year was 1984. I was born and raised in a middle class family, one of five children in Brooklyn New York. I was nineteen years old just starting my life. Family and friends surrounded me. Unfortunately, everything slowly came apart. I was alone.
February 12, 1984, was the day my mother died of Cancer. It was a very difficult time for all of us. My mother was a warm loving, spiritual, caring woman. She was, however, deeply troubled. She was an alcoholic. She eventually stopped daily drinking and became a holiday drinker. Most of our family holidays were spent watching mom with a flashlight dancing around the house with her black sunglasses on at night. She always had a beer and a cigarette in her hand. It was very bizarre watching mom be “house mom” throughout the year then party mom during the holidays. It was not until later that I realized how dysfunctional this was. Living in our two-family home was my grandfather and uncle, which were also alcoholics. My mother was a very lonely, depressed, insecure woman even though my father was present. She never searched for professional help. Professional help would mean you had a problem or were unstable. How can an unstable mother care for her five children? Where I come from it was unheard of. Personal problems were left in your closet of dark secrets and untold. I believe Cancer is an inward growth. Emotions unexpressed and suppressed. I think given the opportunity to get counseling, my mother would be alive today.
During her life as “house mom” she secluded herself. Never leaving the home or conversing with people.
I was never allowed to have friends visit the home. Mom passed much of her time with her compulsion for cleaning and taking care of the immediate family. That’s it. My memories of Mom were nothing but nurturing and loving, filled with compassion. These traits made me to the person I am today. With the passing of my mother, things began to change. My father moved out of the home. Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Mike died between 1985 and 1987. All my brothers and sisters scattered and relocated to different parts of the city. At nineteen years old, I immediately became independent. I obtained my first apartment, with a bed, a bureau and rent for a month. I was fresh out of High School. Unfortunately for me, college was not an option.
My life as an adult had arrived. Being an adult gave me so much freedom, but freedom had at price. Now I was in nightclubs three times a week. I found myself drinking and smoking on every occasion. It seemed that everyone was doing the same thing. It didn’t seem, unusual to me. I was also attractive, which didn’t hurt. I was free. Free with no restrictions and no supervision. You would think at nineteen I would be a pretty responsible adult, but I was a still a naïve little girl in a woman’s body.
Late 1984, I had my first serious relationship. He was 27 years old. What in the world would a nineteen-year-old girl want with a 27 year old man? All I knew was how attentive he was to my needs. At least that’s how I saw it. I met him in New York rushing to catch the train. He was a train conductor for the New York City Transit Authority. Now independent and wanting to be loved, I allowed him into my life at a very vulnerable time. Unfortunately, a relationship is no way to fill unfulfilled needs, and there is always a big price to pay for instant gratification. We dated for several months, and within those months, I noticed disturbing behaviors. We had an accident in his car when he blacked out. He would nod like he was falling asleep right in the middle of a conversation. It seemed at times he was dazed and confused.
I never encountered anyone behaving like this before. I was hesitant to ask him if there was something wrong.
I wasn’t really even concerned so long as he paid attention to me and loved me. That was all that mattered (yeah, right). The relationship became intimate, and I never practiced safe sex.
Why should I?
Let me tell you the things I said:
Nothing will happen to me!
I can tell by the way a person looks!
Bad things happen to bad people, in bad neighborhoods!
I am a good person, in a good neighborhood, knowing good people!
I had so many misconceptions. How lost and blind I really was. The absence of supervision and wisdom from my parents resulted in my lack of knowledge. My parents never taught health education at home, not to mention the topic of sex. I know my parents had sex, because otherwise there would not have been so many siblings. God forbid they actually talk to us. My oldest brother wasn’t spoken to (he had seven children all starting when he was 15). That was just one of the many topics you did not talk about. My need for love and security was so great that I thought I was untouchable. The relationship was having some difficulty, and my partner became physically abusive. He hit me a few times, stole money from me, lied and cheated, but I loved him.
I continued this relationship for a few years, but I didn’t understand why. I actually thought I deserved to pay that price for his love and attention. My mother self sacrificed her life for her husband and family. Why shouldn’t I? A decision that turned into an abusive relationship – that was the price I paid for love. My friends finally convinced me to stop the madness and abuse. To my surprise, I was out of control. I really did not see that this was not a functional relationship. As a matter of fact, I didn’t think anything was wrong. He has a few problems. Everyone does. I’m unique. I have the patience to have a relationship like this (oh, brother).
After he stole my rent money, I decided that I did not want to lose my apartment and endure further physical abuse. So, I reluctantly broke off my relationship with my 27-year-old boyfriend. I was unable, however, to completely stop my feelings for him. I so deeply loved him for reasons I could not understand. I became withdrawn and very depressed. After the breakup, I never heard from or saw him again.
1986, I returned to the dating scene at some of my favorite hot spots in Brooklyn, New York. Once again, I focused most of my attention on trying to fill my empty void. It was an obsession. I was introduced by a friend to one of the bartenders at a bar. One conversation led to another. Before you know it, I was in a relationship again. The void was filled!
My new boyfriend was nothing like my previous boyfriend. He was smart, fun, kind and honest. He was a real nice guy. How boring. Could you believe I was finally dating a nice guy, and I found him unsatisfying? (Go figure). I seemed to enjoy drama and chaos. Regardless of how I felt, I continued to date him even though he wasn’t a challenge to me.
On February 14, 1987, my boyfriend arrived after work to speak to me about my ex- boyfriend (the one who was the transit worker, and that I hadn’t heard from since the breakup). He knew a little bit about him from our conversations. They also had encounters. My boyfriend sat me down and handed me a stuffed animal and a card for Valentine’s Day. I was so touched.
However, after handing me the gift, he held my hand, and said to me, “I have very serious information concerning us. One of the employees at the bar informed me that your ex-boyfriend died of AIDS.” I immediately became quiet. I became totally numb from head to toe. I felt the energy escape from my body. I asked my boyfriend to repeat what he had said, and he replied the same information. Once again, I was silent. This can’t be true.
Yet this time, I felt this black cloud come over me. I began to feel all kinds of emotions. I was sad, but also fearful. I asked myself, “Why is he telling me this? What does he think? Can I? Is it possible? How could this happen? I should have known!”
What does this all mean? My mind was racing. I was trying to rationalize and process the information I had received. I became sick and nervous. My hands were shaking. I began to cry. After composing myself, my boyfriend suggested I try to get in contact with my ex-boyfriends parents to confirm the information. We talked for a little while. He recommended we go get tested for HIV. I was terrified. I couldn’t even think about it. I told him to first let me find out if this information is true or not. Under the circumstances, I proceeded to approach the situation with hope.
I was so upset and asked my boyfriend to give me some time to sort this out. I decided to send him home and get back to him once I had some information.
On the evening of February 14, 1987, I called the home of my ex-boyfriend’s parents. I dial, the phone rings and his mother answers. I say, “Hi this is V. I know we haven’t spoken since (ex-boyfriend), and I broke-up. However, I have disturbing information and I need to speak with you. Rumor has it that (ex-boyfriend) has died of AIDS. Is this true?” There was silence on the other end of the phone. My heart was pounding, because I knew it was true. She kindly replied come to the house, so we can talk. Without saying a word she said all I needed to know. Once again, my body went numb. I kept my feelings and thoughts to myself. I traveled by train my ex-boyfriend’s parents’ home. As I was riding on the train, it seemed like eternity to get there. Each minute seemed like hours. I couldn’t comprehend if I was coming or going. I was flooded with emotions. As the train approached my stop, I felt the pounding of my steps up my legs and up further until I felt pulsations in my ears as I walked off the train. I will never forget the feelings. I walked through the streets like I was in slow motion. I was lifeless. I tried to compose myself. “Just a few more blocks,” I thought. At last I finally arrived at the home. I rang the bell. She answered and let me in. I examined her face to see if there were signs that would give me any clues. She looked very tired. I prepare myself for the news. She lovingly seated me and then sat down beside me. I spoke to her in a very soft voice, “Is it true?” Softly, she responded, “Yes.” I fell apart. The tears began rolling down my face uncontrollably. My world had fallen apart. She did her best to comfort me, but I was torn apart.
I spent a good bit of time with her and the family. She continued to inform me of the reasons why he did not attempt to call me. She shared with me the severe suffering he endured. He also went blind. She had told me that he tried to call me once, but decided not to speak. She told me he had been using intravenous drugs and contracted HIV, which turned into AIDS. He shared needles. I had no idea he was an intravenous drug user. All that time I spent with him, watching him act peculiarly, all seemed to make sense now. I never thought it was drugs. The pain, sorrow, fear and anxiety overwhelmed me. My ex-boyfriend’s parents drove me home that evening.
We said our good byes, and I proceeded into my apartment. I now have to tell my boyfriend that the information is true.
The next morning, I called my boyfriend and told him I needed to speak to him. I had not slept all night. I had such anxiety and fear. I shared this with my childhood friends and roommates. They could not believe it. They looked at me with such remorse.
They were also afraid for me. My girlfriends and I talked and cried wee waited for my boyfriend to arrive. I was worried about him as well as myself. I thought, “What am I going to say? What are we going to do? What is everyone going to think?” So many things were running through my mind. In the meantime, we comforted each other. The bell rings. It is my boyfriend. I approach the door knowing that this information will change us forever. I open the door. His blue eyes pierced me. I was unable to speak. My reaction to his presence said it all. He walked into the apartment. He proceeded to speak. We need to get tested right away. Without words, I nodded and agreed. We just stayed quietly together and fell asleep.
Monday morning, February 1987, my boyfriend and I arrive at the doctor’s office to take our HIV test. Each of us was taken to a separate room and spoken to by the physician. The doctor asked me why I wanted an HIV test. I explained the information I received. He was very sympathetic and concerned. He explained what it meant if the test results were negative or positive and how long it would take to receive the results. Unfortunately, there was not much hope at the time if the results were positive.
The only information the doctor could supply was education, support, patience and compassion. It must have been very hard for doctors in the 1980’s, because there was nothing they could do to help the many people who then had AIDS. My blood was drawn. I then had to wait two weeks for the results. The waiting game began.
For the next two weeks, I tried to keep myself busy. It was the longest two weeks of my life. I played the “What if?” game with myself. I reflected on my behaviors that led me to that point. I blamed myself, feeling dirty and ashamed. Feeling naïve, I became angry and upset. I then to blamed others for this situation I was in.
My emotions were out of control. I had to try to keep it together. Day by day, hour after hour, the anxiety and anticipation were building. I started bargaining with God. If God would spare me from this situation, I would do anything. So, with this hope, I was able to buy a day or two. However, the doubts would return. I was trying to keep myself as stable as possible without anyone knowing. I found it so hard to function in my everyday life, and yet I continued. This was the first week.
The beginning of week two was even more extreme. The anxiety and anticipation increased. I was unable to control my emotions.
I was unable to concentrate. My work was compromised. I told my employer about my situation. In response, they were very patient and understanding with me during that difficult time. I was useless to everyone. I was a moving mummy. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Each day I proceeded like a robot. I went to work, ate very little, bargained with God, and I went to sleep. I spoke to no one. I just existed in the world. For the next two weeks, I waited for the answer to my destiny. There was a day or two where I played mind games with myself. I would tell myself that this was not happening. This is all a bad dream. Nothing is going to happen. All will be fine. I would tell myself, “Everything is going to be OK. I’m making a big deal out of nothing. This will not happen to you.” I was thinking of different reasons why this could not happen to me. This was just temporary relief. My thoughts bounced back and forth, from negative to positive, each and everyday.
Many people have “controlling” personalities like me. And for people like this, it is torture to be so “out of control.” I found out through this experience, that I am in control of nothing. During each day, my anxiety increased. By the end of week two, I was physically, mentally and emotionally drained. Friday, February 1987 arrived. This is the day I would receive the HIV results. Would today be the day where my roller coaster ride ends? Would this last two weeks just disappear? Would I wake up from this nightmare? Or would this day be the beginning of the end? I managed to go to work, continuing to control my emotions.
I call the doctors office from my place of employment. I ask to speak to the doctor. The doctor came to the phone. I ask him if the results arrived for my test. He responded, “Yes.” At that moment, I just needed to know. I couldn’t wait anymore. I started yelling at him to give me the results.
He said, “The results are POSITIVE for HIV antibodies.” I dropped the phone, fell to the floor and wept uncontrollably. As I sat on the floor, my employer and supervisor rushed to my assistance. They took me to one of the private offices. My employer let me express my feelings and emotions. To my surprise, my employers were well prepared to deal with an employee with HIV. I thought they were going to release me of my duties to the company, but they did not.
I can honestly say that that was unquestionably the lowest day of my life. As I regained control of myself, sitting on the floor, I realized it couldn’t get any lower than this. For a moment, a feeling of peace came over me. I had to decide whether I was going to fight or give up. Did I have enough fight in me to fight the good fight?
I had to find a feasible method to give it my best shot. I didn’t want to give up. I decided I wanted to live! Even though the results were grim, I wanted to try. This episode in my life would be the beginning of my transformation and my growing hope and relationship with GOD. My employers continued to consol me. One of the supervisors suggested I get some professional help and counseling on HIV and AIDS. They pointed out the many people attending groups for support during this difficult time.
These support meetings were a place for people to express their feelings, fears and personal experiences. It would be a network of HIV/AIDS individuals, each helping one another. My supervisor handed me a few phone numbers for groups nearby the office. I was very fortunate that my employers were so supportive and understanding with my situation. Unfortunately, many people were not treated in the same manner. I became fearful. My life was on a different path. I was walking into the unknown. I called one of the support groups in the area and decided to attend that one.
That evening, my supervisor drove me home. I told the news to my roommates. I don’t suggest you tell people about anything personal about yourself until you yourself have accepted your situation. When I told my roommates, I had mixed reactions. One of my roommates was a radiologist. She understood the disease, because she learned about it in her radiology classes. She understood the methods of transmission and was well educated about HIV/AIDS in general.
On the other hand, my other roommate was not as understanding. She used the information as a conversation piece in some of the bars in the neighborhood.
So, what about my boyfriend, how did he react? Once I received my results, I called him. We discussed the results. He was negative, for which result I was relieved. As for myself, I was concerned. What would this mean to us? When discussing the results with each other, we realized that we were heading in different directions. We tried to work through the relationship. Unfortunately, the more people knew about my situation, the harder it was for my boyfriend to deal with the stigma it had on me. He did not want to be labeled in the same way. As a result, he pulled away from me and our relationship, and he made up different excuses in every encounter we had.
This was the response of the people in my life and the people who knew about my situation.
The news of my HIV status spread like wildfire. Watch out! Here she comes! There’s that girl with AIDS! Don’t go near her!
For ten years, I dealt with fear, anxiety, discrimination, stigma and loneliness. I was no longer accepted in my previous world.
Many of my friends no longer associated with me. Some of my so-called friends would exclude me from their homes. They only invited me to outside catered events. They kept me at bay. I had to let go of my past life and adapt to a new one. I found my new life through God and my support groups.
In March 1987, I attended my first HIV support group. I arrived to the support group room, and there was no one present. I entered the room wondering what it was going to be like. What was I going to see? Would they judge me like other people? I entered and took a seat in the middle of the room. In the room, there was a beautiful picture of cool water flowing down a stream. As I gazed at the picture, I felt at peace. I knew I was where I needed to be. Other people finally arrived to attend the meeting. They were regular everyday people just like me. I don’t know what I expected, but I would have never known these people had this disease.
Nobody would know by looking at me that I had HIV. We were newly diagnosed individuals with HIV, (asymptomatic - showing no symptoms of the disease). There were fifteen people who attended that day. We all introduced ourselves. I cannot express how it felt to experience the long suffering and sadness and then the newfound release. We shared painful experiences as well as positive approaches on health and nutritional options. We developed a caring family. A place we felt safe and secure. We developed meaningful friendships and relationships. We supported each other through good times and bad. I found a place where I was accepted and embraced. I was in a place where I could be me, myself, a person living with HIV. I continued to attend the HIV support group. I also started attending an ALANON support group. ALANON is a support group for children of alcoholics. As I attended this group, the information presented made me realize that I had developed many patterns and habits of an alcoholic. These findings helped me to restructure my mind to make healthier choices, better decisions and to foster a growing relationship with God’s scriptures.
This life change would not happen over night. Through grace and trust in God (because God is in control of our lives) and the tools I received attending group meetings, I was able to apply them to my life, making subtle changes daily. Transformation for me was a gradual movement and a decision to see things differently.
I would like to emphasize the importance of the decision I made to change. It took me nineteen years to develop my habits and behaviors. Therefore, it would take a while to correct them. I call it my daily mental workout. Time must be vested in the work. I continue to grow each and everyday.
From 1987 to 1990, we went from having fifteen people in our HIV support group to having only four. Many of the members had developed and died of AIDS. It was a very sad time. I attended many funerals. I attended funerals for other young people who died where the cause of death was not mentioned, but I knew. The disease was all around us and yet the four of us were still alive with no symptoms. How blessed we were. During this time we continued to have faith and supported each other. We continued to fight. We continued to pray to God for guidance, healing and protection. We also continued to condition our minds to think positive thoughts.
The main reason why I am here today is because of my decision to have faith in God for my destiny, for his purpose and will, for my life and for control of my mind away from negative habits and thoughts (mental control). I began to eat well, take vitamins and herbal remedies for our immune system, and I began to exercise.
September 1, 1990, I married a friend from my HIV support group. It seemed so much easier to have a relationship with someone with the same situation. We had a lot in common. Even though we were both HIV positive, we still needed to wear condoms. We needed to wear condoms so we would not re-expose each other to the different strands of the virus, a fact of which many people are not aware.
February 1990, my husband and I went on a ski trip. It was a second honeymoon.
After our intimate moment, we discovered the condom we had used had torn. What are we going to do now? What if I get pregnant? What if I do get pregnant and the baby gets HIV? I thought we were being safe? Would I have to abort?
Once again, I encountered another test of my faith.
Sure enough, I was pregnant. It’s bad enough I had HIV, but now I was pregnant and would possibly pass the disease to my unborn child. I had to make a decision.
MY SECOND BIG TEST OF FAITH:
Despite what people may say, through studying and reading my bible and learning the word of GOD, I knew what my decision would be. I would keep my baby. There would be many obstacles I would face. There was a 26% chance that the baby would be exposed to the virus. Having a C-section would lower the percent to 15%. So I took that chance. During my pregnancy, I secluded myself so that my family and friends would not try to convince me to abort my child. Many people would have thought it to be a selfish move on my part. I believed it would be a sin for me to make that decision and that decision was not mine to make. I chose to deal with the decision I made and the consequences.
I took good care of myself. I surrounded myself with beautiful music and read many books.
In my third month of my pregnancy, I developed complications which resulted in a bed rest order. I recovered and continued through the pregnancy. On my exact due date, I went into labor. Complications developed and I was forced to have an emergency C-section (which happened to be a blessing in my situation). On November 1992, we were the proud parents of a baby girl. I would like to mention she was negative for HIV antibodies. It also helped having a C-section delivery because the baby was not exposed to blood and fluids through the birth canal. What a miracle!!! How faithful God is!!! I had put all my faith in him and he was faithful!!!!
Once again, God had revealed to me his wonderful gifts and goodness. I could have done what everyone thought I should do, but I did not. I used every ounce of my being to be faithful and obedient to the decision of faith. As a result, we were victorious. The price of our faith was the biggest blessing given, a healthy baby girl.
The power of God can move mountains. All things are possible through God and the blood shed from our Lord Jesus Christ.
I happen to be a Christian and God’s Holy Spirit is alive and well inside me guiding my every step. I continue to be blessed with his many gifts each and everyday as you will read in my testimony.
I share my God with you so you too can experience his power, strength and abilities in your life.
As I continue with my story, you will see his tremendous influence in every aspect of my life. I hope in your continued reading of this book, you will find your way to God and claim the blood of Jesus. Place all your worries and concerns in his hands. Let God control your life and do what Jesus would have done. In return you will receive the rewards of his peace, love, blessings, gifts, goodness and his faithfulness to you. I continue feeding my mind and soul with God’s word, and the enemy continues to test me. From 1992-1996, my marriage was in turmoil. We opened a new business, we had financial problems and my husband began to drink.
My husband was an alcoholic, but stopped when we met and did not drink during the beginning of our marriage. For some reason, the pressure was too much for him -- the business, the baby, etc. You are probably saying, why would I have a relationship with a former alcoholic? Good question! Remember, old habits still remained. Even though I was learning and attending support groups often, I still had old habits that were being transformed. I thought I was strong enough to handle the relationship with the tools I learned. Apparently, I wasn’t. The relationship worsened as months went on. Each day he blamed me for every bad thing that happened. He began drinking excessively. He became jealous of my attention to the baby. He became irritated when I associated with my family, so I had stopped communications with them. He was exacting total control over me. I stopped attending support groups.
Instead, I attended to his needs. I was afraid he would leave me alone, HIV positive, unemployed and with a baby. I did what ever he asked. When I was compliant to his needs, he did not harass me. Day by day, he gained control over me and I lost my identity. My life did not belong to me anymore. It belonged to him. My life was irrelevant. I was married now and “I needed to change my ways,” he would say. He wanted me to change to his ways. It became evident that the situation was not going to change unless I changed it.
In 1996, under the influence of alcohol and psychotropic drugs, my husband approached my cousin and I with a 357-magnum revolver. The insanity had to come to an end. Fortunately, my cousin was able to retrieve the gun from his hand. Unfortunately for my husband, the police arrived and placed him under arrest for attempted murder. He served eight months in a penitentiary workforce program. Once again I was alone. This time it was different. Something inside of me had changed. As a result of this situation, I would have the time to find myself again and start over. I was ready to give it a go.
While my husband was in the penitentiary, I began a relationship with God in earnest. I had always believed in God and I knew Jesus sacrificed his life for me, but I never realized that you could have a relationship with him. I didn’t even know how to pray. I was raised Catholic and only knew the prayers that I was taught. I began by talking to him as if I was talking to a friend. At first, it seemed weird to me.
I felt like a crazy person talking to air. How wrong I was. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. I followed the steps of Jesus, the faith of Job, the wisdom of David, and the boldness of Aaron (My mentor’s from the Bible). I don’t believe anyone can live a happy, peaceful, joyous, secure life without him.
A year passed, and my husband was released for the penitentiary. He called me and pleaded with me to take him back and give him one more chance. I didn’t know what to do. With the help of God, I was able to get back on my feet again. I was so abused. I am a God-fearing woman. I know how God feels about marriage vows. I did not want to displease him.
I prayed to God for strength. I asked God to allow me to give him one more chance. I knew God did not want me to suffer, however I would give my husband one more chance. I was a stronger woman now. I would put all my trust in God. It took my husband three weeks to turn back to his old self again. I did not want to become a statistic like other battered women, so I took immediate action. I removed him from my premises and filed an order of protection. Months later I filed for divorce. I did it!! June 1996, my divorce was final, and I was free.
In conclusion, and being a true witness to this testimony, I have been through many trials and tribulations. Because God spared my life, I made a decision and chose to dedicate the rest of my life to a relationship and service to him.
Each day I serve him, the better my life becomes. Each day I am blessed with his wonderful gifts. He has blessed me with a new husband. Like Abraham, with the sale of our home from New York, my husband and I were able to relocate and buy a home in Florida without any mortgage payment. Several months later, I was led to volunteer for a not for profit HIV/AIDS organization right down the block from my home (in which I still serve). Joyce Meyer, whom I adore, says “we need to be in the world not of the world.” In order to make a difference we need to be different and become leaders.
I am just a servant, sharing the choices and decisions that have worked in my life. I understand many people have had bad experiences in Churches, but I am not telling you to go to Church or not go to Church.
However we do need Church to fellowship and to strengthen us. I also know the Church lives in us!
Each one of us can be the truth, the way and the light. We need to live holy lives. God knows we are not perfect. God cares about the quality of your life right now. He wants you to live in the light fearlessly, abundantly and immeasurably. We can meet God wherever we are in our lives. We need to surrender and seek God. To seek God is through his word, the Bible. For my God is a loving God. He has taught me the only way out is going through the trial.
I hope I can convince you to do the same. Seek God first for who he is. Ask yourself, “What kind of an impact I would like to have in the world?” Enjoy everyday life and appreciate all the beauty around and know how it came to be. Quality time spent with family, Church members and friends is life sustaining. To see the sunrise and the sunset and completing a day well lived is a reward in itself. Surround yourself with inspirational music. Be content everyday and thankful for blessings and gifts. During all situations, be positive and motivated.
Apply “The fruits of the Spirit” to your life (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control). To forget about oneself and help and assist others in need. To offer others hope, love, encouragement and happiness as well. To go to work and to love what you do!! To allow us time to meditate and to reflect. Become obedient and well balanced in all that we do. Believe that God has a plan for your life. Everything we do can be part of God’s plan. When we believe, it’s just the beginning.
Most of all, know from whom our guiding light and strength comes from being a Christian and believing in our Father God through Jesus Christ.
“You will know them by their fruit.”
(Mat 7:20) KJV
Are you weary and burdened?
Ask “He will give you rest.”
(Mat 11:28) KJV
Do you need a new outlook on life?
Seek. He will “give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you.”
(Ezekiel 36:26) KJV