What Was I Thinking?! How Not to Date
Annie Earley
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2009 Annie Earley
Introduction
As you read the following depictions of my dating experiences I hope you recognize my determination to maintain my self respect and high standards in a relationship as well as find some humor in any situation. The men I dated were all nice enough guys, I just took the opportunity to make light of their idiosyncrasies and things that happened in our relationship and certainly do not mean to be cruel in any way. Just as they might make light of my idiosyncrasies and probably already have. Maybe it is a means of survival after going through two divorces. The advisory committee calls it therapy. I would also like to add that I am not a racist, nor do I have anything against Italians, Germans or gay people. Once again I am only making light of things..
The Advisory Committee
I have a lot of family and friends who care about me and consulted some of them on a regular basis. You can call it brainstorming. These family members and friends came to be known as "The Advisory Committee" and are listed here so that as you are reading you will have an idea of who I am referring to.
Mom, my mom
Dad, my dad
Donna, sister-in-law, Chris’s wife
Chris, younger brother
Renie, sister
Bebe, sister-in-law, my ex's brother's wife
Lori, neighbor that I walk with
Deb, friend from British Columbia
Betty, first cousin on mom's side
Karen, first cousin on dad's side
Mary Margaret, neighbor who sits and reads on her porch
Mary, friend from Czechoslovakia who will beat me with a wooden spoon if I do anything stupid while dating
This book is dedicated to them and all the patience they had (and will hopefully continue to have) while listening to my experiences. Thanks for all the advice despite knowing that although I listened I was still going to do what I wanted in the end. At least you have the satisfaction in many cases of saying "I told you so!"
Basics
I am a: 51-year-old woman
Looking for: 50 to 58-year-old man
Relationships: Divorced
My ethnicity: White/Caucasian
Body type: Slender
Height: 5’3”
About me and who I would like to date
I would describe myself as adventurous and fun loving, candid and down to earth. I have a very positive attitude and a lot of interests which keep me busy. When it's time to relax I enjoy playing my guitar, watching a movie or reading. My family and friends are very important to me. I enjoy the company of others and doing things that are fun (love to laugh and make others laugh). I am health conscious and keep myself in good shape (enjoy long walks and spending time outdoors). Who would I like to date? Someone who knows how to enjoy the simple things in life and have fun; someone who likes to travel and try new things; a positive attitude and sense of humor would be great! If I meet that "special" someone I would be interested in a long-term/committed relationship.
For fun I like to
Go out with family, friends or someone special to do just about anything that's fun (movie, boating, mini-golf, fishing, shoot pool, shuffleboard, etc). Just spending time at home with someone special can also be a lot of fun.
Favorite things
Snuggling up with someone special in front of the fireplace on a snowy day. Working in the yard/gardening, crafts, playing guitar, cooking, boating and fishing, and playing horseshoes.
Lifestyle
Exercise habits: exercise regularly
Smoke: no way
Drink: social drinker, maybe one or two
I live: alone
Kids: none
Chapter 1 – The Catalyst
Did you hear that I got divorced?” Those were words that I was getting used to saying. Well, it happened last spring. I found my husband with his hands on another woman for the second time.
A friend of ours had invited a girlfriend of his down from Canada and when she got here he decided that he didn't want to have anything to do with her and locked her out of his house. I felt bad for her and invited her to stay at my house until her flight back to Canada. She was a nice enough girl and we got along fine. She also got along fine with my husband.
In fact, the first day she arrived we ordered pizza and my husband insisted that I stay home with his friend while he and this girl went to pick up the pizza. Two hours later they got back ... the pizza place is only 10 minutes away. The minute his foot stepped through the doorway the first words out of his mouth were, "You won't believe what happened." The first thing I thought was "LIE!”
He spent the next few days watching her like a hound and fussing over her and making her drinks. On Sunday afternoon the two of them sat on the sofa and watched the NASCAR race. He was explaining in detail how the race was run. Usually he just sat there like a blob and couldn't even carry on a conversation while watching the TV.
Actually, there was a joke about that. Earlier that spring I bought a new mattress for the futon sofa in the living room. The mattress was guaranteed, for 10 years, not to become indented even if a person sat in the same spot for 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. I mentioned this to friends and family members. The response was always the same, “Well, we know who’s going to put it to the test!”
At one point I walked through the kitchen and noticed that he was making “two” Bloody Marys. He never offered to make me a Bloody Mary in the years that we had been together.
He said, "Oh ... would you like a Bloody Mary?"
I just gave him a look and said, "No thanks."
The whole time he was doting on her and making stupid jokes and trying to be charming; I was thinking, "What an ass."
Finally, it was the last night our little friend was to be staying with us. I went across the street to get a flyer from the newspaper that my neighbor, Lori, had saved for me. When I got there she was on the phone, so she just handed it to me. Normally I would probably be over there for awhile talking to her. Well, I was only gone for four or five minutes when I came back and the two of them were no longer sitting in the living room watching the race. I walked to the top of the steps and looked down into the basement. There she was sitting at the bar with her elbows on the top of the bar and he was behind her with her shirt pushed up, caressing her sides.
Let me just say, I had an "out of body" experience. I kicked her out that night and him the next day. He had pulled that stunt once before about three years before with another woman and I told him if it happened again I would divorce him ... so I did.
Needless to say divorce is not a pleasant experience. I had sent out invitations to my annual “Cinco de Mayo” party a couple of weeks before this all happened and had to call everyone and let them know the party was off. If I got their answering machine I just left a message: "Hi, it's Annie. I'm calling to let you know that I have to cancel my party because I caught my husband with his hands on another woman and I'm divorcing him. Give me a call when you get a chance."
Hey…ya gotta do what ya gotta do, and for me it was time to move on. And so I was catapulted into the dating scene at the age of 51. Little did I know what I was in for!
Chapter 2 – Boy Toy
Shortly after I booted my husband out and filed for the divorce my sister called and asked me if I wanted to go to Germany with her. Her husband was working over there with some other men for the government and she and the other wives were going over for a couple of weeks to visit them and see some of Germany.
Of course I said yes. It was the perfect opportunity to get away from the dealings that go along with divorce; and I certainly could use a vacation. When we got there, I found out that one of the men working with them was divorced and the only single man in the group.
The day after we arrived was my birthday; it was a Saturday. My cousin, Karen, came along on the trip and kept saying that we definitely had to go out that night to celebrate my birthday.
After a long day of touring the others were tired and my brother-in-law suggested to this young man that he take Karen and me out to celebrate my birthday. Now, I didn't know anything about him at that point, but my sister and I went out for a smoke after dinner and I asked her what she knew. She told me that all she knew was that his name was Mack, he was divorced, had a couple of kids, and she thought he was in his 30s.
Needless to say no one in the bar could speak English. We were having a lot of fun just trying to order drinks. Mack had brought an English/German phrase book and it was a riot watching him trying to order our drinks to impress us.
After we got our drinks I turned to Mack and asked him how old he was.
He replied "However old you want me to be."
I liked that answer.
Then he told me he was 48 (knowing that I was 52), I guess he figured he might have a chance of going out with me if he was closer to my age. I told him I knew he was in his 30s and he finally fessed up. He was 35, a nice looking young man, very attentive and fun to be with.
Karen only stayed for a few days and each night the others went to their rooms early because the men were tired. So, I hung out with my new friend in his room watching movies on his DVD player. All of the TV stations were in German so watching TV in my own room by myself was not an appealing idea; like I needed an excuse. We had a lot of fun.
He took me "Night Bowling" at one of the military bases; I felt like I was in high school again! We also went miniature golfing. In Germany you can buy a beer and take it with you and there are ash trays at every hole. What more could you ask for? It was really fun. When it was time to come home I was wishing I could stay for another week. He had to stay in Germany for another month.
We called each other frequently and talked on the phone. I couldn't wait until he came home. Two nights before he was coming home, he told me he would call me the next night from the hotel by the airport.
That was Friday and he was coming home on Tuesday. I didn't hear from him until Wednesday. Now, once before he had told me he was going to call me the next day and didn't call for three days.
When he did call he apologized and explained how he had bought a calling card out of a vending machine at a store and when he scratched the numbers off the back he couldn't read them. He took the card back and got his money and bought another one. This time he scratched the numbers off in the store and showed the store owner that the numbers were gone. Keep in mind that he was in Germany and things are not the same there as they are in the United States.
The next day he had my brother-in-law take him to the military base where he bought a new calling card and that was the same day he called; and he did call earlier than usual. I believed him.
This time it was different. He got home on Tuesday and finally called me Wednesday night. Despite the fact that he had not called me earlier, I was happy to hear from him and waited to see if he was going to mention anything about not calling. He didn't. As we were talking someone showed up at his house to welcome him home (I heard them yell his name in the background) and the next thing I know he had to go.
So, I called him the next night. I couldn't wait any longer. I had to get it off my chest. When I called he was happy to hear from me, but he had his kids and couldn't stay on long. He asked me if he could call me at 8 p.m. the next night.
I said to him, "Why don't you just call me when you get the time; you are very busy with your kids and catching up on things after being away for so long, and besides, I'd rather you just call when you can instead of saying you are going to call at a certain time and then not doing it."
He waited a second and then said, "What do you mean?"
And I replied, "Well, you said you were going to call me from Germany when you got to the hotel near the airport and you never did."
His response was, "I know."
That's all he said! I mean he sounded like he felt bad about it, but didn't even offer any reason for not calling. I was not happy with the whole situation and considered whether or not I should see him at all, but this was the first time he had been inconsiderate toward me so I decided to wait and see how things went.
He told me he wanted to see me as soon as possible and over the next few days he made plans to see me, but they never panned out. Finally I got fed up and told him it was not in my best interest to see him any more. I told him that I had come to believe that he is the kind of man who doesn't do what he says and makes plans and doesn't follow through. He said he felt bad that I thought of him that way and would really like to talk to me in person.
So...we made plans to meet that Friday. He had to work and was going to call me when he was done and would drive somewhere close to where I live and I would meet him and we would come back to my house and have a nice talk. He would call me between 3:30 and 4:30 p.m.
By 7:30 p.m. I hadn't heard from him and was getting pretty ticked off. Finally I decided I would call his house. I used my cell phone just in case something had happened to him and he tried to call me on my land line phone. He answered the phone....he was home!
Later when I told Donna what had happened she said, “You tricked him, he didn’t recognize your cell phone number.”
Anyway, I said to him, "I thought we were going to get together tonight."
He replied "Oh...do you still want to do that?"
By this time I was really unnerved to say the least. I said, "Do you remember our conversation yesterday about you not doing what you say you are going to do?"
He said, "Yes."
So I asked, "So, were you just not going to show up?"
He replied, "Yes."
As I was grinding my teeth I calmly said, "That's real nice."
He hung up the phone. I was dumfounded! It was so outrageous I actually had to laugh. He didn’t call back and I didn’t call him. That was the end of the relationship.
I had a feeling that I would hear from him again and I did....about three months later. He called me to apologize. I graciously accepted his apology and told him that I was glad that he called because I had thought we were friends and I don’t like ending a friendship that way. He said he felt the same way and really felt bad about it, that’s why he called. I let him know that I was dating someone else. End of story...well, this story.
Chapter 3 – Antonio’s Leg Warmers
After the experience with Mack I was disgusted. I had already decided that I wasn't going out to bars to meet men. That was the last place I wanted to meet someone. No one I knew had any single friends or knew anyone who was my age and single.
Now, don't get the idea that dating was the only thing on my mind. I am a very active person and keep myself busy. I was retired and in the process of building a workshop on my house with plans of doing woodworking. I also play guitar and had started taking lessons again. Sewing and cooking are some other hobbies of mine, not to mention working in the yard and around the house and working out.
It's just that I wanted someone...a man...to snuggle up to and watch a movie with once in awhile; or just someone to talk to about the day's events. I'm a romantic and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Maybe I am old fashioned, but that is the way I am and I'm not one to sit around and wait for something to happen.
One day when I was walking with Lori (and complaining about my situation) she suggested I get on an online dating service. That is how she met her husband. So, when we got back to my house she set me up with the online dating service she had used and gave me a few simple rules to get me started.
Basically, all I had to do was wait to see who emailed me, and if I was interested, email them back. You can also check out the guys and if you see someone you think might be interesting you can "wink" at them or email them first. This seemed simple enough. And so began my online dating experiences.
Within a couple of days I received a few emails. I was quite excited but somewhat hesitant. I had Lori come over and look over the prospects with me. One of the profiles read, "Imagine strong arms around you feeling safe and secure and intimate." Now, my first thoughts were, "What a bunch of hogwash!" but Lori laughed and said, "Email him back...he sounds romantic."
So I did. He sent me his picture and I sent him mine. I forwarded his picture to Donna and she agreed that he was a nice enough looking guy but it looked as if he might be wearing his hair in a comb over, it was hard to tell.
The next thing I know we were emailing back and forth on a regular basis. Now, Lori had told me that I should communicate through email for about a month and then, if I want, call them to talk on the phone. This way I am not giving away my number to a stranger.
Well, this guy wanted to meet me right away for lunch. He said he had found in his experiences that it didn't do any good to get to know someone too well until you meet them in person; if there is no physical attraction you didn't waste your time.
This made sense to me. What the hell did I know? So I consulted some members of the advisory committee. The general feeling was, "Why not?" Meet him in a safe place of my choice, in the afternoon, drive my own car and if I don't like the guy I can get out fast. So I agreed.
Now, I hadn't talked to him on the phone and a couple of days before I was supposed to meet him it dawned on me, "What if he sounds like Rocky (he was Italian) or has a high pitched voice?" I panicked and emailed him immediately and told him I wanted to talk on the phone first. He emailed me back and said I could call him at his office. I called him on my cell phone in case he had caller ID. After about 10 minutes my phone started beeping (the battery was running low) so I told him I would call him back on my land line phone; so much for not giving my number away.
It seemed safe enough. He had a business in a local town and I had checked up on that and he was legitimate. When I called him back he started asking me questions about my height, color of my eyes and hair, marital status, etc. This information was all in my profile and I felt like he was taking notes. He sounded very serious and businesslike. I thought to myself "This guy better lighten up when I meet him in person or forget it."
The day before our scheduled meeting I decided to quit smoking. I had wanted to do it for a long time and had a revelation that day and just decided to quit ... cold turkey.
I didn't sleep at all the night before our meeting and was becoming very anxious, to say the least. When I got out of bed in the morning my head was racing with every possible bad scenario. For example, what if he is missing his front teeth!
I had to calm myself down. I took a shower and fixed my hair so it looked kind of wild. I wore my jeans and denim jacket and my clogs. I had an attitude. I waited until the last minute to leave so I would be "fashionably late" (as Donna had recommended). I put a Sheryl Crow CD in the player in my Jeep and headed out with some attitude songs to put me in the right mood.
The next thing I know I started to sweat profusely. I use a 24 hour deodorant and antiperspirant and this normally did not happen to me (I realized weeks later that it was probably related to the nicotine withdrawal). I stopped at a convenient store and bought a stick of deodorant. The plan was when I got to the restaurant to get to the ladies room ASAP, clean up with a wet paper towel and put fresh deodorant on. I was wearing a sleeveless black top and figured the denim jacket would mask the odor long enough for me to get to the ladies room. That and the fact that I was now running more than fashionably late was making me even more anxious. I just kept singing Sheryl Crow and thinking "attitude."
We were supposed to meet in the parking lot and we arrived at the same time. As I was getting out of my Jeep, I put on my jacket, flung back my hair and tried to look cool and composed. I turned around and there he was. Well, he was wearing his hair in a comb over alright and that is not something that I find appealing. Otherwise, he was not a bad looking guy. What the heck ... I was just going to meet him.
Anyway, as soon as we were seated I excused myself and headed for the ladies room. I wet some paper towels and started wiping my underarms when I realized that the paper towel had left thousands of tiny pieces of white paper on the armholes of my black top. I tried to wipe them off and it just got worse. I calmed myself down and headed back to the table with my arms close to my side. Luckily the air conditioning was on and it was quite chilly so I had a good excuse to put my jacket on.
We had a pleasant lunch, interesting conversation and a few laughs. He seemed like a nice enough guy. I remembered what Mary Margaret had said about the possibility of someone you meet online being married and cheating on his wife and looked, as she suggested, to see if there was a tan line on his left ring finger – nothing.
There was the comb over to consider, but I figured that was minor and besides, if the relationship ever got serious I could advise him about that.
After lunch we stood in the sun in the parking lot and talked and he asked me if I would like to go hiking the following Friday. It sounded like fun so I agreed to go.
I met him in the local CVS parking lot and then he followed me to my house. I live out in the country and chances are he might have gotten lost. We drove to the state park and got a map of the hiking paths. So far so good. He opened doors for me and was pleasant to talk to. We had a nice long walk (three hours) and talked about all sorts of things. I was having a great time...I love to be outdoors and love hiking.
When we came out of the park to the car there was a porta-lav there and we both needed it. He used it and then it was my turn. As I was sitting in there I heard him talking. When I came out he was the only one standing there.
I asked him who he was talking to and he said, "Myself."
I asked him, "Do you do that a lot?"
He replied, "Yes."
As we were getting in the car I was still trying to figure out if he was serious or not. All of a sudden Mary Margaret's words came into my head ... "He's probably married, that's why he is meeting you in the afternoon."
My imagination started to reel. "Maybe he was on a cell phone checking in with his wife."
Then I remembered that he had said he didn't have a cell phone. Well, those golf shorts he was wearing were certainly baggy enough for him to have a cell phone in his pocket without me knowing.
Now we were driving along and he kept looking at me oddly. He was probably wondering why I got quiet all of a sudden. My mind was still going..."Was I just going to sit there and keep my mouth shut? I should speak up and say what's on my mind. What do I care if I ever see him again?"
Finally, I asked him "Do you own a cell phone?"
He said "No, I already told you that...why are you asking me that?"
He looked suspicious and I felt silly.
"Well, I replied, it's not everyday that I meet someone who talks to themselves. I thought maybe you were talking to someone on a cell phone when I was in the porta-lav. Besides, my friend told me to be careful because you might be married."
He looked a little irritated but calmly replied, "No, I'm not married and I don't own a cell phone."
That was the end of that conversation.
Once again it was time to consult the advisory committee. There was a split opinion about the fact that this guy talks to himself. Some simply said, "That's weird." Others said, "I talk to myself out loud sometimes," or "He's never been married (oh yeah... forgot to mention that earlier) and lives alone. That's probably why." All in all I decided that it wasn't that big of a deal and decided to go out with him again.
The next date was the following Monday. Now, so far the only thing I had seen him wear was golf shorts, a golf shirt and sneakers. This time he was taking me to the movies and I was curious to see what he would be wearing. He had on a pair of jeans that were kind of loose and a red golf shirt with thin white stripes...he looked nice. Then I looked at his feet and noticed he was wearing penny loafers with tassels. Now...maybe it's me, but the shoes just didn't seem like the kind of shoes to wear with jeans.
Anyway, we went to the movie and had a good time and stopped for ice cream afterwards. When I told Donna about the shoes she said that those were the type of shoes Italians wear. Bebe agreed.
There was something bothering me though ...that night I wore a nice soft red angora sweater with my jeans. As usual I fixed my hair and makeup (just a touch) and put on perfume. He never even told me I looked nice. That was a disappointment.
We went out a few more times to dinner and miniature golfing. After a couple of weeks of dating he sent me a card that said, "Someone like you makes someone like me feel special." On the inside he wrote that in the few weeks he had gotten to know me he found me to be personable, intelligent, attractive and fun to be with. He also wrote that women like me are few and far between and I am in his thoughts and he hopes and prays that I feel the same way. WOW! Everyone on the advisory committee was impressed and thought that was SO romantic.
Well, that didn't last for long. Actually, that was the only spurt of romanticism he showed.
We were taking a stained glass class together so we saw each other a couple of days during the week and went out on Saturdays. We seemed to get along but as time went on some things happened that I wasn't too happy with.
For one thing, in the stained glass class there was a woman who started flirting with him. I just let it go and stood back and observed. You know...give him enough rope to hang himself. He didn't seem to be interested in her advances. Then one day I went to the bathroom and when I came back there he was over at her table. I really didn't think too much of it; there were other people over there too. As soon as he saw I was back he hurried over to our table and said, "She had something in her eye." I thought to myself, "Too much information...guilty."
What I should have said to him was "She....who?" The fact that he assumed I knew who "she" was told me something. Guilty.
Well, we had a talk that night and it was really hard for me to express myself after what I had been through with my ex. I told him that I realize that I may be sensitive to things but when my gut feelings tell me something I should listen; this is something I didn’t do in the past and regretted it because as a result I got used.
He had no clue what I was talking about. I changed the subject. I was tired.
Fall was approaching and the weather was getting colder. One night we were sitting on the sofa watching a movie. He had his legs up on the back of the sofa and I happened to look in the direction of his ankles and couldn't believe what I was seeing. He was wearing leg warmers!
Now, when I was married to my first husband I had a lot of leg warmers and I used to wear them with my cute girlie pj’s when we would snuggle up. I never knew a man who wore them before.
So I casually said, "Hey, you're wearing leg warmers."
He replied, "Yes, I've been wearing them for years. I wear them in the winter because my calves get cold."
I couldn't help but think "Hello...what about high socks or thermal underwear?"
Now my curiosity was getting to me. "I used to have several pairs of leg warmers....one pair was pink with silver threads. Whatever got you started on wearing leg warmers?"
His answer was, "Oh, I don't remember."
Yeah...right. I was thinking maybe when he lived with that girl he stole hers or something.
“Well,” I said, "I just saw some in the store the other day; they must be back in style."
He sat up quickly and looked excited. He actually startled me. "You saw them in a store?!" (He was really charged up.) “Where?!”
Now I was getting concerned ... this was really weird.
"J.C. Penney’s," I said somewhat sarcastically.
"Where in J.C. Penney’s?!" He was almost shouting now.
"In the ladies department." I replied and almost said "Hello??"
"That's great...I have been looking for a new pair for years." He was ecstatic. "I'm going down there first thing this week and getting two pairs!"
I was thinking, "Ok...whatever....wait until the advisory committee hears this one." I almost burst out laughing, but contained myself. Again...what was I thinking?
One night we went out and I was feeling disappointed and perturbed. "Mr. Romantic" never complimented me when I would take the time to look special (which I did ALL the time) and never said anything romantic.
We were sitting there waiting for our dinner and I said, "I'm going to sue you for false advertisement."
His jaw dropped.
Now, I mentioned earlier that he had his own business and I think he took me literally.
He stuttered....."What da…do you mean?"
I was surprised at his response (since I only intended to bust his butt) but replied, "In your profile you came across as so romantic...imagine strong arms holding you, feeling safe and intimate...and you sent me that card saying women like me are few and far between. Where is that guy? Because it's not you. It's not fair for you to lead a woman on to think that you are romantic and you're not."
I guess I was kind of blunt. His jaw was still on the table. He had nothing to say.
That night I told him that I think we should just be friends since that is the way he treated me.
And then he said something that still freaks me out to this day. He said, "Well, maybe I want to be in Lala Land."
Well, that made me raise my eyebrows all right. “Lala Land?!” I said, "Do you mean head over heels?"
He had a belligerent look on his face and said "Yes."
This was too much. I looked straight into his eyes and said, "Well, I don't believe in head over heels, but apparently you don't feel that way about me and I don't feel that way about you. I think a good relationship comes from being friends first and having respect and admiration for one another and love grows from that. If you want head over heels I think you should pursue it. So, let’s just be friends and move on with our lives."
I felt sad the next day but knew it was the right decision. Then we had a long talk and he wanted to give it another try. He went through the whole thing about maybe something is wrong with him (I thought...maybe?) and could I please give him another chance. He was crying. So I did. I guess I felt sorry for him.
Anyway, as Donna said, "Well, he is a gentleman and he takes you out for dinner and you have fun together. What have you got to lose? It's better than sitting home alone on the weekends. Just see where it goes."
It wasn't long after that episode that he started using the weather conditions as an excuse not to drive up to see me. He lived about 40 minutes away. My gut feelings were that he was just getting lazy and starting to take me for granted.
One night on the phone I told him my feelings and said, "If you want to come up and see me...fine. If you don't, just say so. Don't use the weather as an excuse."
He denied that he was doing that. One time on the Oprah show I heard a psychologist say, "Your gut feelings are a culmination of all of your life experiences....follow them!" So I do. I told him if I had to choose between my gut feelings about was happening and what he was telling me, I choose my gut feelings. He got the point all right.
Another thing that came up was the way he talked to me on the telephone. It seemed with the weather conditions worsening I was seeing less of him and spending more time talking to him on the phone. When we were together he hugged me and expressed to me that he really cared for me. On the phone he sounded like he was talking to a business associate. So, I talked to him about that and his response was, “So...let me get this straight...at the end of the conversation you want me to say something like 'Ok, well good night dear?'”
All I could think was, "How lame can you be?" But I said "Yes." I figured that was better than nothing.
When I told the advisory committee about that they all said he was an ass. What can I say...they were getting fed up with his bull**** and so was I.
By now you are probably wondering: What will it take for her to break up with this guy. What is she waiting for?
Well, I'm getting to that part.
The holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, came and went. I met his family...very nice people, and he went with me to my family get-togethers. His birthday was coming up in January; his 50th birthday.
I should say here that the first time I met him, in conversation he mentioned that women he dated in the past always broke up with him before the holidays and he usually spent his birthday alone. I didn't realize until much later that it was probably when the leg warmers showed up.
Anyway, it was his 50th birthday and to celebrate I took him out for dinner. We were sitting at the table and the waitress came over and said, "Hello, are you here for any special occasion tonight?"
He replied, "No, just for dinner."
I said, "Actually it's his 50th birthday."
The waitress responded with a smile, "Oh that's nothing, 50 is young."
And he said (sitting there with his comb over), “Well, at least I'm not losing my hair."
She looked at me confused as if to say, "Am I missing something here?"
I just smiled and ordered a drink.
He had to work on his birthday; heaven forbid he should give himself a day off. After all, April 15 (income tax return deadline) was "just around the corner?" However, he had previously decided to treat himself to a day at a resort area in the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania.
This place had everything...snowmobiling, ice skating, roller skating, bowling, swimming and live entertainment. I was really looking forward to having a good time and not having to pay a dime. When we arrived we decided to take a walk around and check out the place. There was a huge recreation room with mini golf, pool tables and table tennis.
Now, I love to play ping pong and in fact had taught it in the past. I asked him if he wanted to play a game and he was all for it. Apparently he used to play in college and was quite good at it. Well, we volleyed around for awhile and he started to get aggressive. I didn't want things to get too serious so I just played along. Finally I asked him if he wanted to play a game and keep score, so we did. He was really taking this seriously and a couple of times smashed the ball really hard and had a fiendish look on his face when he did it. I remember thinking that he would probably hit me between the eyes with the ball if he could. Something clicked and I decided to give him a run for his money. I won the first game. He wasn't too happy about that and wanted to play the best out of three...a match.
I had to take a break and go to the ladies room. When I returned I noticed something crumpled in his chair....EWW...it was his leg warmers!! He had taken them off while I was gone. They must have been slowing down his game. I was just glad he didn't do it when I was there.
We switched sides of the table and he said, "Wow...it's much easier to see from this side...no glare."
I just smiled and agreed. Game two and the heat was on. He was dead serious; so serious in fact that I almost started laughing. I found myself starting to ease up because I didn't want him to get mad if he lost and then I came to my senses.
The game was close, but in the end, he won by two points. He was beaming. This was a side of him I had never seen and I was just taking it all in.
Now it was time for the "rubberneck" game or tiebreaker. Nothing was said about switching sides of the table this time. I thought to myself how lame he was...not bringing that up...and just let it go. By this time I was getting annoyed with him and decided to really concentrate. I took a significant lead at the beginning and that was enough for him to get bent out of shape and choke. After the game was over, I smiled and we shook hands, but I could tell he was not happy at all about losing. All I could think was, “Uh oh...a sore loser."
From that point on he really acted strange; cheerful but aloof. I didn't realize until weeks later that it was because I beat him in ping pong.
We had a nice dinner and went swimming. Then we decided to shoot some pool. We had played pool together before and he was definitely better than me and that isn't saying much.
Now, this is when things started to take a definite turn for the worse. The whole time we were playing pool he was staring at other women. I would actually look at him as he was staring at a woman and wait until he turned his attention back to the game and raise my eyebrows as if to say, "Are you ready to continue?" He didn't even notice.
So, we played for about three hours and the whole time he stared from one woman to another and barely paid attention to me or the game.
He even made the comment, "I don't seem to be able to concentrate."
I felt like saying, “Well, if you'd stop staring at all the women in here it might help." But I bit my lip and stood back and observed.
There was live entertainment in the bar so we went in and sat down. I wear contacts and couldn't see the entertainers clearly from where we were sitting. I was wondering if it was me or the lighting. I asked him if he could see clearly from where we were sitting and he replied, "I can see well enough to see that the singer (a female) has nice legs."
To say the least, I did not appreciate that comment. I felt like saying, “Do I really need to know or hear that?" Once again I bit my lip.
By this time I was really starting to get irritated. At one point we both had to go to the rest rooms which were out in the foyer. When I came out of the ladies room I waited for him...and waited...and he didn't show up. I walked back into the bar and there he was sitting watching the show. I thought that was rude. What was even ruder...if that's a word...is the fact that twice, as I was talking to him, he was looking past me and staring at another woman. Some women might have stormed out at this point and believe me I was having visions of doing that ever since we started playing pool, but I wanted to be sure.
It was time to head home and I wasn't saying much. I was gathering my thoughts. Finally he said, “Is everything ok...you are very quiet.”
My response was, "Yes, everything is ok because I am not going out with you any more."
He looked shocked, but I knew he wasn't. He then proceeded to ask me questions like, “What’s going on? What are you talking about?” Yadda....yadda...yadda.
When he finished I explained to him that I will not date someone who "stares" at other women while he is with me. I told him, “I'm not talking about when another woman...or anyone for that matter....enters a room and people turn and look. Everyone does that. Look once...even look twice...I do the same thing; but staring is staring.”
He started to say, "I think you......"
I cut him off and firmly said, “Don't even THINK of saying that I am imagining things or blowing things out of proportion. You were staring at other women and you know what I am talking about. Looking at other women implies ‘looking for’ other women.”
This is something Renie had said to me once and it stuck in my head.
“Apparently I am not what you are looking for and you are not what I am looking for so there is no point in continuing the relationship."
He was really upset, to say the least, and crying....sheesh. Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with a man crying but I think he was feeling bad for himself.
Then he said...and get this...."Can't you give me another chance. Did you ever see a mother with her child in the grocery store and the child is misbehaving? She tugs at the kid's shirt and the kid knows to stop doing what he is doing. Can't you just nudge me if I do it again?"
My response was, "I am not your mother or babysitter and the answer is NO! I am not going to give you a nudge because it's not going to happen again."
So that was it. He drove me home and went on his way. He wanted to know if we could still talk on the phone or email each other and I said no. When I make up my mind, I make up my mind and that's that.
I was actually relieved that it was over and proud of myself for not tolerating any disrespect. I had doubted myself for staying with my ex-husband after the first "cheating" incident only to have him pull the same stunt a second time. But I now realize that it was not a lack of judgment on my part, he lied to me and that was something I had no control over.
I felt sad for a day or two but curiosity got the best of me and I was checking out prospects on the online dating service before the week was over.
Chapter 4 – Sponge Tom
The whole "online dating" thing was still new to me. I had only been signed up for about a week or so before I met Antonio. Back when I was still dating him, I went on a girlie vacation with Betty and Karen and another friend. We had lengthy discussions about dating, relationships and online dating. I explained as much as I knew and stressed the point that, if nothing else, you can just browse through the profiles and check out the guys. Hey...if you have nothing else to do, it's an interesting way to pass some time.
Betty decided to give it a try. Occasionally we would get together and discuss the pros and cons of different dating services and their features. After I broke up with Antonio and got back on the service, Betty pointed out some interesting features that I was not aware of. For example, there is a feature where you can "wink" at someone. It lets them know that you are interested and introduces them to your profile. If they like what they see they can then email or wink back at you.
I really liked this feature and it took a lot less time than sending an email. All I had to do was click on the "wink" button and wait to see if I got a reply. It wasn't long before I was getting winks and emails.
At this point I did not have a picture with my profile; although Betty strongly advised it. I wasn't sure if I was ready to do that so I decided to wait and think about it.
When I browsed I looked at guys with and without pictures. Some people think that if you don't have a picture with your profile you have something to hide...like you are ugly or have no teeth. My thought was that if I wasn't ready to put my picture out there, maybe others felt the same way or maybe couldn't put a picture on because of their occupation.
If I saw a profile that I thought was interesting but had no picture, I simply sent them an email that stated, "Hi, I found your profile to be interesting and think we may have some things in common. If you would like you can send me a picture of yourself....and would give a "secondary" email address.
I did not use my main email address with my name. I have an internet service that provides me with five email slots. I created one strictly for the purpose of online dating. You can also use free email services like Yahoo or Hotmail. I am a firm believer in taking precautions when dating and one of those precautions is not to give out my full name until I meet someone in person.
Well, getting back to the incoming emails and winks. I received an email from a man named Tom. He loved the outdoors, like to work in his yard and enjoyed gardening...hmm....at least we had a few things in common.
Anyway, I emailed him back and we corresponded for several days. He worked for the state game commission and had nine people under him that he had to supervise. Occasionally he had to make presentations or was a guest speaker at a banquet. "Good for him," I thought, "it sounds like he is successful in his career."
Finally I decided to give him a call. This brings up another rule; don’t give away your phone number to a stranger. So, I use a phone card and if they have caller ID they see the 1-800 number instead of mine.
It was early on a Sunday afternoon. He answered the phone and sounded pleasant. He was telling me his plans for the day and said that he was going to see a close friend of his who also worked for the game commission. He mentioned the town his friend lived in and I knew where it was and it was a small town in the middle of nowhere.
I asked, "Your friend wouldn't be John S. by any chance...would it?"
There was a profound silence on the other end of the phone. Finally he responded, "Yes...why do you know him?"
Well, I had known John since I was a child. We actually grew up together and our families knew each other quite well. I explained this to him and told him if he wanted he could ask John about me.
Once again there was silence. I was definitely getting the impression that he was getting nervous. Suddenly he changed the conversation and that was that.
As we were talking about common interests, I could hear what seemed to be a "swirling water" sound in the background on his end of the call. That's the best way I can describe it. As we talked I became more and more curious. "What the heck could he be doing?" I wondered. Finally, it got the best of me and I said, "Are you washing dishes or something?"
The swirling sound stopped and he replied, "Why do you ask that?"
I said quite simply, "Because I hear water in the background and I was wondering if you are washing dishes or something."
He replied, "Yes...I'm washing dishes," and the swirling sound started up again.
Now, I'm not stupid and he obviously didn't realize that I was feeling out the situation. If he was washing dishes I would hear dishes clanking, water running and/or splashing of water. The only sound I could hear was swirling. By this time I didn't really want to talk to him anymore and made some excuse to get off the phone.
I immediately called Donna and told her about the conversation and how I mentioned John and he got real quiet. We both agreed that he did not expect that and maybe had something to hide or was lying about all of his responsibilities.
When I told her about the swirling sound she said, "That's gross! What do you think he was doing?"
Well, I can't repeat what I said but the two of us were saying "EWWWW!"
Later that day, Bebe called to see if I had talked to him on the phone yet. She agreed that it sounded like he had been lying about something. When I told her about the swirling water sound her response was, "Maybe he was playing with his sponge."
Well, that's not exactly what she said....but you get the point. I almost fell on the floor.
Now, if you knew Bebe you would know that she gets right to the point and doesn't mince words.
By this time I was really starting to feel grossed out and had decided I didn't even want to talk to this guy again.
Later that day he sent me an email saying how much he enjoyed the conversation.....I bet he did......and how he would like to talk to me again.
I sent him a short but polite response. "It was nice talking to you also but I don't really think we have much in common. Good luck in finding someone special."
Eww....it still gives me the creeps to think about it.
Chapter 5 – “Skip-To-My-Lou” Stew
Emails and winks were coming in on a regular basis. One thing I have learned is that you cannot tell what someone looks like by their picture. The next man I was to meet was proof of that.
I don’t remember if he emailed me first or it was the other way around. He had some good photos though and said that they were recent. The odd thing was he looked completely different in one photo than he did in another. According to his profile he was Caucasian, divorced, had two kids who were in their early twenties and didn’t live with him, had a good income and his own business, and we shared some common interests. So, we emailed back and forth a few times and then I called him.
The first night we talked for hours and I laughed my head off. This guy was really funny. After our initial conversation I decided to ask some more serious questions. It turns out he wasn’t legally divorced even though his profile read “divorced.” He said that he was divorce “in his mind.” Hmmm. The reason he hadn’t actually gone through the legal procedure yet was because he couldn’t afford it.
This was something I would have to consult the advisory committee about. Actually, this is what brought the term “advisory committee” about. I was talking to my mom and was telling her about this guy and mentioned the fact that he was not legally divorced.
She didn’t think that was a good sign and asked, “What does the advisory committee say about it?”