A Collection of Articles on
Dating and Relationships
Darren G. Burton
Published by Darren G. Burton at Smashwords
Copyright © 2010 Darren G. Burton
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Attracting Women: Reading The Body Language Signals
Stepping Outside The Comfort Zone
Reading the Body Language Signals: Eye Contact
Dating and Mating: What’s your body language saying?
How to Attract a Man: Inner & Outer Beauty
How To Attract A Man: What Men Want (Part 1)
How To Attract A Man: What Men Want (Part 2)
Your Attitude To Relationships
How To Attract A Man: Your Friends
Attracting Women: Reading The Body Language Signals
Knowing how a girl is truly responding to you, and what her possible intentions are with you, can be gauged fairly accurately by what her body language is telling you. You have to know how to read the signs though. Sometimes it’s easier for an outside observer to read the signs than it is for the actual participant.
If you are unsure and you are out with a mate, and he’s been nearby casually observing how things are going with you and the girl you are chatting to, make an excuse to leave the girl briefly and go talk to him. Find out his opinion on your progress and whether he thinks the girl is keen on you. He’ll soon be able to give you the heads-up.
A very blatant form of rejection, or potential rejection (apart from her ignoring your initial smile and eye contact advances), is if she either turns away from you when you first approach her, or she crosses her arms and/or legs. These are both very defensive gestures that offer up a barrier. It will be pretty evident that she is not open to anything with you at all. Of course, you could try to persist in these circumstances and attempt to break down her barriers, but how much time and energy have you got, and how much of your vital resources do you want to waste on somebody offering you negative body language?
With that important point mentioned, we’ll stick with looking for the positive signs from this point on.
The first and obvious signal you have already had at this point is her return eye contact and smiles. You then advanced to the next level of actual physical contact with the casual placing of a hand on your shoulder or arm as you spoke.
Casual touching like this means you are closely situated. She obviously doesn’t mind you being in her personal space. That’s an excellent sign. Obviously moving away and keeping her distance is the exact opposite.
If you are sitting beside each other and she starts touching your leg, that’s an even more positive sign that she is keen. A leg touch is more personal than a casual pat on the arm or touch of the shoulder. If she does happen to touch your leg in this manner, try returning the touch the next time your speak. Don’t reciprocate instantly. Leave a decent break of at least thirty second before trying the return leg touch. Make the first touch as casual as the placing of your hand was on her shoulder. If she doesn’t seem to object to you touching her thigh, add a bit of a stroke to the next touch, but still keep it brief. Work your way slowly from there. Make the touches more personal and lingering. If her interest is escalating, she’ll do likewise.
Never be so crass as to try to fondle her breasts or other private parts in public. You could just look too sleazy, and even if she’s keen on going home with you, she doesn’t necessarily want to look like a slut in front of her friends or others. Have some decorum and subtly. There’s plenty of time and opportunity for that stuff when you are at home alone together. You can quite properly close the deal on a girl without the need to publicly molest her.
Some areas of body language are quite obvious to read. The subtle, smaller ones can be trickier. That’s why it is important to read some books entirely devoted to the subject. Or search out a DVD to watch body language examples in action. It’s a very interesting subject regardless of the dating game.
A lot of body language has to be read in clusters, rather than forming a solid opinion from just one action.
Here’s a simple example. We expressed earlier that if a girl you are chatting to is smiling and making regular eye contact, then she’s most likely keen. True, if the rest of her body language is backing that up. However, if the girl who is doing the eye contact and smiling is sitting there with her arms crossed in a defensive gesture, then the most likely answer in this scenario is that she is not interested and is probably just being polite.
So, to illustrate the cluster of this example in a positive situation, this is basically how things will look.
She is smiling and making regular eye contact. Her body is positioned toward you and not away from you (she can have her legs crossed for the sake of decorum here – it’s not necessarily negative). Her hands and arms are not crossed but in a relaxed pose, say resting comfortably in her lap. Or, alternatively, she is regularly doing the touchy-feely thing with you.
With a cluster of positive signals such as this, it’s safe to say that at the very least she is comfortable in your presence and at least wants to be friends with, or friendly to you.
The more touching she does (and allows you to do), and the more she allows you inter her personal space, are suggestions that she’s quite physically keen for something. Especially when the touching becomes more personal; like a stroke of the thigh. Or something really obvious like kissing.
Another little thing to look out for. Say she has a glass of wine or is sipping from a flute of champagne. If she starts to run her finger up and down the stem of the glass while you are interacting, it can be a sign that she is sexually interested in you. Any sort of stroking of a phallic symbol like this is a very positive indication of what’s on her mind. Provided other forms of positive body language are present.
Stepping Outside The Comfort Zone
One of the hardest things many guys find with meeting women is the initial approach. Some guys are just naturals at it. Other guys are just so drunk at the time they don’t care about rejection. But the majority of men don’t find breaking the ice all that easy. Thoughts of rejection pop into their heads. What will I say? How will she react?
Approaching women, just like with approaching anyone in everyday life, takes a degree of confidence and practice.
It’s kind of like having a sales job, especially if you are just hoping to pick up women casually and not for anything long term. Just like with sales, in this situation you aren’t that personally involved simply because you have the mindset that it doesn’t really matter if you get rejected or not. You will simply just move on to the next candidate.
Good salesmen, ones that have the ability to divorce their feelings from the sale and can easily deflect rejection without it upsetting their confidence and rhythm, know that for every rejection they get, they are one step closer to closing a deal. It’s the law of averages. A numbers games. Sales is simply a numbers game, and so is hitting on women.
In order to be more successful with picking up women and to make the initial approach easier and smooth, you need to practice stepping outside your comfort zone until it becomes second nature.
Before seriously practicing on the women you want to meet, just step out a little and start to practice on people you meet in everyday life. Men and women. Every time you venture into a store, try striking up a brief conversation with the person behind the counter. It doesn’t matter what the conversation is about. Just ask a few general questions and engage them in small talk. This is great practice without any pressure on yourself whatsoever.
Even if you already have a job, consider taking on a part-time sales job or telemarketing job after hours. Just for a month or so. Sales jobs are great for teaching you how to break the ice with people as well as developing the skill to approach total strangers without hesitation and doubt. And it gives you that all important ability to be able to take rejection in your stride and move quickly onto the next target with no dent to your confidence.
The bottom line is: It’s all about being so practiced at it that you are supremely confident no matter what.
Reading the Body Language Signals: Eye Contact
Eye contact is one of the most important and powerful components of communication and body language. But it’s all about balance. Too much or not enough and you could play yourself right out of the game.
A lack of eye contact can be associated with a number of things:
Disinterest in the person or conversation
Thoughts wandering
Not listening or paying attention
Shyness
Lack of confidence
Dishonesty and deceitfulness
Anxiety
None of the above possibilities are what you want to be conveying to a potential partner. They are all negative and have no real value in the dating game other than to thwart the efforts of someone you have no interest in.
Too much eye contact can also tell a person a few disconcerting things:
Intense personality
Overly fixated
Possible psychotic tendencies
Over-keen
Desperate
Eye contact that is overdone in the negative sense will only serve to make your potential partner feel very uneasy and uncomfortable in your presence.
Positive eye contact starts off very casual in the early stages of communication between a guy and a girl. As each partner is speaking, eye contact is maintained intermittently. Glancing briefly away then making eye contact again on a regular basis lets the other person know that you are interested and paying attention, without them feeling like they are being locked with an intense stare. As things progress and the two of you are getting along famously, then more extended periods of eye contact are not only acceptable, but can make a person feel extra special and even be a turn on.
Dating and Mating: What’s your body language saying?
What signals are you projecting to others? Are they positive ones? Or negative? Have you ever thought about keeping a close eye on your own body language?
In the dating and mating game there will always be a mixture of both the positive and negative, depending on whom you are dealing with and the circumstances you find yourself in. Obviously, whether you are male or female, you don’t want to be directly projecting positive (or sexual) body language to someone you are not interested in. At the same time, however, you also don’t want your body language in general to come across as unapproachable or indifferent.
It’s a balancing act that will take practice to master. But in order to be able to practice how you project yourself, you first have to be self-aware of your own body language and somewhat monitor your behaviour to see how you can improve.
Video Feedback
In the job hunting game there is one effective technique that trainers use to help job seekers improve their interview skills.
A mock job interview scenario is set up between the prospective employee and a person acting as the employer. The whole process is videotaped and then played back to the job seeker for critiquing. Improving body language during the interview process is the main aim of this exercise.
The same technique can be applied to the dating scene. In this modern digital age, many people possess a digital camcorder, or a digital still camera that has video capabilities. Set up some mock scenarios amongst your friends. Be sure to have a balanced mixture of males and females in the group. Capture some brief footage of a guy and girl role-playing a scenario where they are meeting for the first time. Play the footage back and everyone can offer their opinions on what was good about the scenario, and areas where body language can be improved upon.
Although this won’t be as accurate as a real life scenario where the guy and girl genuinely don’t know each other, it will help to point out some obvious flaws in one’s body language. And it will be fun in the process.
Seek Feedback
When out and about, have your friends observe your interaction with others. They can watch from a distance as you chat up that girl, or how you respond to that guy, and let you know how you did.
Feedback from those not directly involved in the scenario can be the greatest source of useful information regarding your strengths, and the areas that might need some work.
Never be so sensitive as to shy away from constructive criticism and feedback. It is essential for personal growth, improvement and learning.
It sounds like it should be easy to do, but how many of us actually truly do believe in ourselves?
So what does it actually mean to believe in oneself anyway?
Is it about being conceited and boastful? Or is it something more humble and sincere?
Having genuine belief in yourself encompasses the following:
Self-Confidence
Knowing Yourself
Loving Yourself
Knowing Your Strengths
Recognizing Your Weaknesses
Standing Up For Yourself
Standing Up For What You Believe In
The list, in reality, is probably quite extensive. But the above points are some of the most important ones when dealing with the subject of a person believing in themselves: Being confident about who they are, comfortable in their own skin, knowing who they are and what they want in life.
This brings us to the key point, the single most important element in cultivating a true and positive belief in oneself.
Get to know yourself.
Without genuinely knowing yourself inside and out, how can you possibly be expected to have confidence and belief in yourself? We all know ourselves to some degree, but how many of us truly, deeply know ourselves? Have you ever sat down and truthfully analyzed who you are, what you want and what you are about?
So how do we get to really know ourselves?
The first place to start is to gather the opinions of those around you. Family and friends. People who have known you closely for a long period of time. Start out by asking them what they think your good points are, and what they feel you could improve upon. Although this is a little personal, it is the most objective way of gathering vital feedback to learn more about yourself.
Secondly, make two lists. One titled “Strengths” and one titled “Weaknesses”. Fill these lists out yourself with your own opinions of what you consider your strengths and weaknesses to be. Now these lists can include such things as character traits, skills, talents, your physical appearance. Anything that is applicable to yourself.
Once this is done, make another two lists. One titled “Likes” and the other “Dislikes”. Don’t limit yourself with these lists. Include anything from food to movies to music tastes. Anything at all. Make all of your lists long and extensive.
Now compile another list, this one titled “Goals”. Fill this list with an eclectic summary of anything and everything you would like to do or achieve in life. This list is just as important as the others as it tells you where you want to go and who you want to be along life’s journey.
Don’t just compile these lists, file them away in a drawer and forget about them. Review them regularly. Add to them as you think of more things. Getting to know yourself is a process. It’s not something that can be achieved in one day. And, on top of that, you are a growing, evolving human being. Things on these lists will change over time as you do. Always keep the lists up to date.
Remind yourself of your good points and exhibit those to the world. Work on your weaker areas and try to improve them. Make it a daily goal to do both of these things.
To further build self-confidence, practice stepping outside your comfort zone. Make yourself do things you are naturally not that comfortable doing. Meet new people. Set out to achieve something you’ve always wanted to do but have been putting off. Doing these things builds you confidence levels and self-belief. It’s worth it.
This has just been a very brief overview of how to believe in yourself, but it will get you started on the right track. We all have positive things about us to offer this world. The trick is learning what they are and utilizing those positives while at the same time downplaying and improving on our weaknesses.
Every one of us deserves to be filled with confidence and an undying and genuine belief in ourselves as being invaluable and priceless human beings.
Be Supportive
Your guy needs to know that you are supportive. It is something a man really relies on and thrives on within a relationship. If your support wavers, is inconsistent, or doesn’t exist at all, these are all factors that can really play with a man’s mind and ultimately his direction and motivation.
Every man interviewed, surveyed, every man I’ve ever known, including myself, all stressed that the support of their partner in life’s endeavours and pursuits is a vital and key element in the eventual success or failure of those pursuits.
When on our own, we men still pursue things.
Careers
Money
Adventure
Lifestyle
However, our attention can often be somewhat divided among going after these things, and seeking out a life partner.
Once in a loving relationship men can usually focus much better on the pursuit of careers and money and everything that comes with it. Sure, he still needs to pay attention to the lady in his life and nurture the relationship so it doesn’t wilt and die, but he naturally finds himself being able to focus more on other ventures than he ever could before.
The reasons for this are simple. He now has two very important elements in his life fulfilled.
Stability
The support of a loving partner
Now, once in this coexisting situation, if the state of the union between himself and his girl becomes unstable in any way, or she refuses to, or is inconsistent in offering her support of his endeavours, a man suddenly finds it very hard, if not virtually impossible, to give a project (or a goal or dream) his one hundred percent commitment and effort.
That is why it is so vital for a woman to give her man complete support.
In some ways this support does come with conditions attached. If your partner is hell bent on pursuing some ludicrous, possibly dangerous or otherwise foolish goal, then it will prove very difficult for you to support him on it.
This is where your vital and much needed feedback and input really come into play. If his plans really aren’t wise, and you are sure no good will come of it, stick to your guns, tell him why you think the way you do and that you can’t offer support in such an endeavour.
On the other hand, if his plans seem solid, or you are just not sure about them one way or the other, give him your vote of confidence. Offer positive input and help him see things through to fruition.
Without effective communication between you and your partner your relationship will eventually be doomed. Everything else that’s good in the relationship will ultimately suffer if the channels of communication are not open.
Talk To Us
Unfortunately, we men aren’t the mind readers many women seem to think and hope that we are. We are just not that gifted. More often than not we need to be told things, straight up and in plain English, for us to get the message and for it to sink in.
If something is on your mind, tell us. Don’t just walk around presuming our powerful intuition will naturally kick in and we’ll tune into the signals. We may pick up on the vibe, but we won’t know exactly what it is. The chances of a light clicking on in our minds and the inner voice saying, “Ah ha, I know what it is,” are very slim.
Once you have decided to talk to your man about something that is on your mind, you then have to decide on the best possible approach bring it up. This will depend on several factors.
The nature of the subject
Your mood and his
The temperament of your partner
If the subject of your discussion or concern is of a sensitive nature, particularly for him, then you will have to choose your timing and words very carefully. Maybe even run it by a close friend first - preferably one who knows both you and your partner - what it is you want to say to your man, just in case it sounds like it might be coming out all wrong, or could be misinterpreted.
If you are upset about something, or angry, try to refrain from announcing the issue while in this frame of mind. Approaching your man when you are angry will more than likely just lead to an argument. If a man feels like he is being verbally attacked (or is about to be) he will naturally go into defensive mode to repel that attack, and anything on your mind that you want to convey will either come out all wrong, or the problem will just be exacerbated. Likewise, if he is in a negative or moody mindset, wait until his mood is lighter before approaching him.
Every man varies, as we all know, and that also applies to one’s temperament. Some men are very calm and relaxed, even in the face of adversity. Others are angered easily. Only you know the temperament of your man. Always keep that in mind when bringing up any sort of touchy subject and act accordingly.
Be A Good Listener
Generally speaking women like to talk more than men. It’s just a part of a woman’s make up. However, men need to talk and express themselves as well.
Sometimes your man will need to vent about the happenings of the day. Or he may have something on his mind that he just needs to get off his chest or bounce off of you.
Be a good listener. Be attentive. Even if you don’t particularly want to hear about his day at work or whatever, take the time out to listen to him anyway. You don’t necessarily need to comment or offer an opinion. Just listen, be genuinely sympathetic or empathetic and let him know that you are always there for him if he needs to speak his mind.
Male or female, we all need to know that our partner is there for us in every way, and that they will always have an attentive ear if we need to talk.
Feedback and Input
If you are with a man who never seeks your input nor respects your feedback, or a man who constantly ridicules you for your feedback and input, then he is not the kind of man you want to keep. Hopefully most readers are not with an egotistical, insensitive brute like that.
A regular guy genuinely enjoys and respects feedback from the woman in his life. If he’s smart he’ll realise that he actually needs it. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, male or female, and there are always certain insights a woman can offer a situation that a man just won’t see.
Real men want you to express your views on things, to tell them honestly what you think. Whether your man agrees with what you have to say or not is irrelevant. The important thing is that you are showing an interest in something he is doing, is planning on doing, or is interested in. If you really don’t like something he’s made, for example, try to be tactful in saying so. Maybe offer some tips for improvement? If the feedback has some positive element or angle attached to it, it will almost always be well received.
Any man worth being with will relish feedback and input from his partner.
Don’t Take Him For Granted
Men, as much as women, like to be appreciated. We like compliments, need love and support, and a partner who is passionate about us as individuals, and passionate about our relationship together.
We are all probably guilty of this. Male or female, we all, at least on occasion, fall into the trap of taking our partner for granted.
Do you ever feel like this with your guy?
Stop and think for a moment. Does your mind ever harbour any of these thoughts?
He’ll always be there
We’ll have sex another time
I don’t need to tell him I love him, he knows I do
He should buy me dinner, he’s a man
He knows I appreciate him
It’s his job to do that
I don’t have time to talk about this now
These types of thoughts, and they creep insidiously into all of our minds from time to time, are signs of taking someone for granted.
Remaining diligent in your relationship - being conscious of showing genuine appreciation, respect and gratitude – takes effort. And that’s the answer right there. We get complacent, we take our partner for granted, we take our relationships for granted, because the alternative takes effort!
Think back to when you first met your partner; the excitement you felt, the thrill of the blossoming romance. Chances are you were constantly making a conscious effort to put your best foot forward, to please him as much as possible, thanking him for every little thing he did with warm hugs and passionate kisses.
Why should this change?
The only reason it changes is that, over time, we start to slacken off in our efforts. We have our partner now. It takes energy and effort to maintain that level of intense interaction and eagerness to please.
How do you know he’ll always be there? We never know how much time we have. Live for the now. Enjoy the moment. Don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today.
It would be naive and somewhat unrealistic to suggest that any couple can maintain the level of passion and intensity first experienced at the start of, and during the early stages of the relationship. But we can make an effort in some way, every day, to keep the passion alive and eradicate boring routine.
Try and think of at least one thing you can do every single day to show your man that you love him and appreciate him. This will have a very positive affect on him. Positive actions produce positive reactions. Chances are, he’ll start doing the same in return.
Every relationship needs quality time for the bond to remain close and to strengthen over time. Without quality time together a couple will gradually become distant and somewhat alienated from each other.
This section of the book is not just about spending quality time together. It’s also about quality time for him.
Give Him Space
Men need time out to themselves: Time to reflect on the day, a moment to ponder, a chance to wind down. How much time your man needs and how often depends on his personality and temperament, and the circumstances of his life.
Perhaps his job is very physically and/or mentally demanding and draining. If that’s the case, the very first thing he’ll probably need at the end of a work day is some quiet time to himself for twenty minutes or so. This certainly isn’t the right time of the day to hit him up with a problem, or to tell him what’s on your mind. Greet him when he gets home, then let him be for half an hour.
Men also like to have an area of the house that is exclusively their domain (like the shed or garage).
We men need space at times for a number of reasons:
To work out, in our own minds, a problem or an issue
To ponder how to make more money
To relax without anyone talking to us
Unwind without any external stimuli (i.e. other people around, TV, music)
Time out for hobbies and recreational pursuits
Time to do guy stuff
Everyone needs time out to themselves, but men do especially. We are by nature more aggressive creatures and that all important chill out time allows us to unwind and prevents us from becoming agitated.
Make Time For Him
The modern world is often a busy and hectic one. Between work, chores, the children’s needs, family and friends, there is often not much time left in the day. Next thing you know it’s bed time, then the routine starts all over again from the moment you open your eyes in the morning.
It is very easy for a week or two to slip by in the blink of an eye and suddenly realise you’ve hardly spent any quality time with the man in your life.
In the previous topic we mentioned that your partner will need some quiet time to himself every so often. Help him to have that time, those moments of peace and serenity. Don’t try to fill every waking moment of his day with things to do.
Likewise, in order to refresh your own mind and keep your sanity, you also need to allocate some quiet time alone for yourself as well. We all need this, at least in small doses.
Most of all though, make certain the two of you get some quality alone time together. Even if you can’t be spontaneous about it and have to plan it, set aside a block of time at least once a week that is just for the two of you.
Which leads us onto the next topic.
Alone Time – Together
Having alone time together means exactly that: Alone. It doesn’t involve socialising with friends, going to a family gathering, or spending time together in a crowded shopping mall. Although these things may be time out from work and chores and you are technically ‘together’, they defeat the purpose of this much required element of your relationship.
If it has to be planned or scheduled because of the constraints of everyday life then by all means plan it. If it can be spontaneous then all the better.
Spontaneity adds a touch of excitement to your time together. When something is totally unplanned and adlib things tend to be more of a surprise and therefore much more fun and interesting. Also, the moment flows naturally and nothing feels forced like can happen in some predetermined situations.
Don’t always wait for your partner to organise some togetherness time. Planning something for him and yourself is fine, especially if he doesn’t know about it and it’s all a surprise.
Whatever you do together doesn’t have to cost money either, or at least be relatively inexpensive.
Sharing a few glasses of good wine in the quiet hours of the night is a common and pleasant way to unwind together. The drop of alcohol also lends itself to freeing up the pair of you so that the moment and ensuing conversation flows in a relaxed manner.
Casually walking arm in arm on the beach or by the banks of a river or stream is great. It costs nothing to do and the presence and sound of water always has a calming influence.
A simple picnic on in a quiet area during a pleasant country drive is another good option. It gets you both out of the house and the routine. You add that little bit of adventure to the outing by not planning exactly where you are going to drive to, or where you are going to stop. A picnic also affords the opportunity to indulge in some relaxed and quality conversation. Who knows? You may even get intimate?
It doesn’t really matter what you do so long as the time spent together in these special moments isn’t interrupted or interspersed with the routines of your everyday lives.
How to Attract a Man: Inner & Outer Beauty
Inner Beauty
I personally believe that this is, and should be, the most important component to being a beautiful woman.
If you are truly beautiful on the inside, this will radiate from your every pore. Your external appearance will take a back seat over time as those around you become overwhelmed by the positive energies that come from within.
I’m not for one minute suggesting that how you appear on the outside has no relevance to your overall attractiveness, but even the plainest of women will appear beautiful (at least to some) if they radiate genuine inner splendor.
In your endeavour to attract men, this is why it is so vital that you strive to become the best person that you possibly can be.
Work on being a wonderful person inside as well as maintaining your outer appearance and you will truly become a beautiful and complete package.
Outer Beauty
Outer beauty certainly does play its part in making a woman attractive to men, but as mentioned in the opening to this chapter, there is so much more to it than just being considered pretty.
For starters, everyone has different tastes. What appeals to one man won’t necessarily translate into instant attraction to the same woman for another man.
I’ve seen super models prancing along catwalks that I think are anything but beautiful. Yet another man will find that same woman very appealing. Obviously this is the case or the woman wouldn’t have made it as a model.
Women’s appearances vary. Men’s opinions of women’s appearances vary. There are no hard and fast rules.
The same goes for men too. I’ve personally had some women who have found me attractive, while many other women have had zero interest in me whatsoever.
The point I am trying to make is: It doesn’t really matter how you appear as there will always be a man who finds you attractive. Of course, this is dependant on the fact that you exhibit attractive qualities in one form or another. Being the best person that you can be and maintaining your physical appearance as best you can will automatically make you attractive and add to your outer beauty.
How To Attract A Man: What Men Want (Part 1)
Physical Attraction
Men are visual creatures and want to be visually stimulated. A man needs to find something physically attractive about a woman in order for him to be interested in her. It’s just a fact of life.
Some men need this visual stimulation to a higher degree than others. We men are all individuals with different tastes, and we all vary. What one man desires or finds attractive in a particular woman, another man may not; and vice versa.
Men like women to be confident in themselves and the way they look. A woman doesn’t have to be physically blessed with a pretty face and shapely figure to be able to do this. Much of it is about a girl’s state of mind and whether she feels positively or negatively about her appearance. Obviously if you are naturally beautiful, having confidence in your appearance will be quite an easy task. If your face and figure aren’t generally considered gorgeous, or universally attractive, the ability to feel as confident about your appearance will be a little more difficult.
But it can be done.
Throughout my experiences in life I have seen some of the most average looking women constantly being surrounded by, or hit on, by men. Why? Because of their level of self-confidence. They don’t believe that they are plain or average looking. They also don’t believe that they are a super model either. They are realistic. But what they all have had is a genuine high level of confidence in themselves that they are attractive, and men are drawn to this.
Build your all-important confidence level. If there is an area of your appearance that you feel you could improve upon, and you have the power and ability to improve it, then definitely work on it. It may be a few extra pounds on the hips or waist. Losing weight is never easy, but it is something you have some control over, and something positive you can strive toward.
The more positive actions you take, the more your confidence level will rise, and the greater your attraction factor will be.
Support And Understanding
Most men, if not all, desire to have an understanding and supportive woman by their side; a partner who not only shares in their goals and dreams, but believes in them and their man’s ability to achieve them.
This is very important to the majority of men.
And just like women, a man likes having the comforting thought of going home at the end of the day to a woman who truly cares about him; his welfare and his needs.
We all know that men and women are different; both biologically and psychologically. What women want and need is often different to what men need and desire. For a man to honestly be happy and contented, he needs a woman who is both understanding and tolerant of those differences. If you find the right partner, your differences in gender will prove to be complimentary and beneficial rather than a source of conflict leading to arguments and unrest. What he lacks you will make up for. In areas you are lacking he will fill the gap.
If approached with the right heart attitude, these inherent differences (as well as the similarities) can combine to create a very powerful and enduring union.
Men want and need support and understanding from the girl in their lives. Always keep this in mind whilst seeking the right partner.
Companionship
Women often make the mistake of believing that only they seek companionship in a relationship with the opposite sex, and that men are just in it for the physical favours. While in some instances this may be true, the majority of the time it is not the case.
Men need companionship too. Sure, they experience male bonding with their mates, but that is nothing like the same as the companionship a man seeks and experiences with the right woman.
This unique form of companionship is the coming together of two hearts, minds, emotions and bodies to form a very special partnership indeed. Men often won’t admit it, but most men want that equally as much as women do.
We males generally are not good at expressing how we feel, nor do we exhibit a lot of emotion much of the time. But that doesn’t mean we don’t feel! Of course we have feelings. We have egos, we harbour hopes and dreams, we can get sad and depressed, happy and exuberant. And we can experience love: The desire to love and be loved.
A deep, meaningful and respectful friendship with a woman, combined with the physical pleasures of romance, affection and sex, is the true heart-felt desire of virtually every man seeking out a long-term relationship.
Never ever doubt the fact that men want to find a true companion in a woman, just as much as a woman desires to find that in a man.
Sex
Yes, it’s true. Men need sex!
That’s right. We don’t just want it or desire it. A man truly, physically needs to have a regular sexual release.
Once again, that’s just the way we are wired mentally and constructed physically. It’s a fact of life and there is no denying it.
I’m not suggesting for one moment that women don’t need sex too, but men most definitely do.
We all do.
Not just because it’s enjoyable. All of us have hormones racing constantly through our bodies, a build up of sexual tensions and we all need that pleasurable release that comes with sex on a regular basis.
Often men are criticised for always wanting sex, or even being prone to being sexually demanding on occasion. This is only because we really physically need it. It’s not due to the fact that sex is all we want and care about, or all that we are interested in.
Far from it.
A great sex life can launch your relationship into a higher stratosphere. It brings you closer together as a couple. There is no greater joy in life than a loving couple having great sex together on a regular basis.
We should all be in this position: Having a great partner and a fantastic sex life with that partner.
Why not? It’s a wonderful and perfectly natural thing.
Once you have found your man, always try to keep that spice in your sex life and keep that spark firing. It’s true that the day to day rigours of life can take the shine off our sex lives. But only if we allow it. If we strive to keep our relationships balanced and healthy, show genuine affection, find time for romance, then there is no logical reason why we can’t indulge in euphoric and greatly satisfying sex together for a long, long time.
Feedback and Input
The majority of men genuinely enjoy and respect feedback from the woman in their life. A smart man will realise that he actually needs it. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, male or female, and there are always certain insights a woman can offer a situation that a man just won’t see.
A respectful and genuine man will want you to express your views on things, to tell him honestly what you think. Whether he agrees with what you have to say or not is irrelevant. The important thing is that you are showing an interest in something he is doing, is planning on doing, or is interested in.
Any man worth being with will relish feedback and input from his partner.
How To Attract A Man: What Men Want (Part 2)
To Do Guy Stuff
Whether involved in a relationship or not, men will always want to do guy stuff.
Examples of which may include:
Spending time with their mates
Watching / Playing sport
Business
Some alone time
Repairing, building, tinkering with things
The BBQ
If a woman tries to prevent her partner from spending time with his mates, then she will be in for a world of trouble.
True, if a man is no longer single, he should commit much of his time to his female partner. But that doesn’t mean, and should never mean, he no longer needs or has time for his friends.
Most males love to watch their fair share of sport at the very least, or to play sport. Men generally love sports in one form or another. A man who watches too much sport will be a bore. And an inconsiderate one at that.
But a woman who doesn’t complain every time her man wants to watch his favourite footy team play will be much loved and appreciated.
If a man is entrepreneurial and business-minded, he will no doubt devote time to this cause. Hopefully he respects his woman enough to include her by seeking her valuable feedback, insights and intuition on the decisions he plans to make.
Many men often require some alone time. Even if it’s just to relax quietly with his own thoughts after a hard day. At times men won’t want companionship for a brief period, and will have patches where they don’t desire to talk.
If a man needs his space at times, let him have it.
A lot of males do have a natural inclination to want to either build things, make repairs, or tinker with the car engine and the like. It’s just inbuilt into the male psyche.
The BBQ. A realm where every male seems to adopt the role of head chef. After all, it is difficult to roll that sausage over so it doesn’t burn, or to turn that steak. Only we males are capable of doing this when it comes to cooking on the BBQ.
It doesn’t matter that his wife is a culinary genius in the kitchen. No one can cook on a BBQ like a man can.
Don’t Be A Bitch!
I am aware there are bestselling books on the market that state men love bitches and men marry bitches. But I’ll tell you; I’ve known a lot of guys in my lifetime and I’m yet to meet one single guy who likes a bitchy, bossy, demanding or nagging woman.
Not one!
Once again I’m not suggesting that anyone reading this book is like that. I am merely expressing what men like and need, and what they definitely don’t like and don’t need.
Nagging is a dreaded word for most men, and a dreaded sound. In all honesty – and a fact backed up by the surveys and interviews with men, women and couples alike – nagging is one of the things men hate the most in a relationship. It’s not an endearing quality.
I’m not here to say that all women on the planet are naggers, or that there is never any justifiable cause to nag. I’m just expressing the thoughts and feelings of the male population as a whole in saying that we men dislike it immensely.
Perhaps some men need to be nagged, or even deserve it? But maybe they don’t?
Nine times out of ten nagging is a character flaw; an annoying and repetitive bad habit that needs to be monitored, addressed and brought under control.
Unrealistic Expectations
Having unrealistic expectations of someone can lead to intense frustration and unhappiness.
What are your expectations of your future relationship? And what expectations will you have of, or will place upon, your man?
If a man is regularly having unrealistic expectations placed upon him by his partner, particularly ones that he just isn’t capable of living up to, he is going to grow frustrated; becoming disillusioned and aloof, depressed and negative. Ultimately he will blame her for the way he is feeling because he can’t live up to what it is she is asking of him. If things can’t be resolved, he will eventually want to end the relationship and move on.
You can’t expect your man to be something that he is either incapable of becoming, or is not interested in becoming.
Which leads us into the next topic.
Don’t Try To Change Him
A man likes to be accepted for who he is. He certainly doesn’t want a woman to come into his life and try to remodel him into something he does not want to be, or is not meant to be.
I think it’s fair to say that we all hate that kind of thing, whether we are male or female.
Through the results and feedback from my numerous surveys and interviews, it seems that it is quite a common mindset for women to meet a man they like, and then spend time and (often wasted) energy trying to reshape him into a man they will like more.
Why women have this inclination, no one really knows. But it is apparent that many do.
Possibly it stems from an impatience to meet a man and a resulting failure to wait it out for the right one to come along?
Maybe it’s inbuilt into the female psyche to want to improve something that is in their possession?
No one really has the answer.
But the logical solution to this dilemma is: Don’t try to change your man.
Of course, there is nothing at all wrong with encouraging a man in a direction he is happy to go in. Or to encourage him and support him in an endeavour to improve something about himself or his life.
This is an entirely different scenario to forcibly wanting to change your man in an area he does not want to change.
What’s In It For Him?
We touched on this topic in the first chapter. Now we will expand on it a little.
What will you bring to a relationship?
What are you offering a potential partner?
Briefly we have covered some things that men do and don’t want in a relationship and from a woman. You have spent some time learning more about yourself, knowing your good points and strengths, learning to deal with those areas of your persona that aren’t so flattering. Now it is time to put it all together and ponder exactly what you will be offering to a relationship and to a partner.
This could be a good time to write out another list. In fact, two lists. One should include the positives of what you have to offer, and the other will be a list of areas you feel you may either have some potential problems with, or areas you feel you need to improve on.
Once you have compiled these lists you will soon realise just how well you truly know yourself, and just how much good you have to offer a partner.
Your Attitude To Relationships
Deep-seated emotions that have suffered damage will certainly affect your outlook on future relationships and thus your attitude toward them.
Some things to look out for and be mindful of when it comes to your view on relationships includes:
Do you stereotype men?
Do you believe relationships are doomed to eventually fail?
Do you sabotage your relationships?
Despite past disappointments, can you maintain an optimistic view of the future?
We can all be guilty at times of stereotyping the opposite sex. Sometimes it’s just done in good humour, based rather loosely on some very general truths. Stereotyping in jest is pretty harmless fun. Serious stereotyping, however, is a more critical matter when it comes to relationships. It can distort one’s views on reality, and at times blind you to the reality of the person you are dating and what they are truly like.
Try to avoid stereotyping; particularly of negative facets of a gender. No one likes to be presumed guilty before being proven innocent.
Having preconceived, negative views on the future of your relationships is an unhealthy outlook. True, many relationships do fail. But many don’t. Take note of elderly couples as a prime example. The more deeply you know yourself and the better you know what you want will all go a long way in attracting the right man for you. And if you meet the right guy, there is no plausible reason why the relationship can’t grow into a long and fulfilling union.
Some people have a habit of self-destructing. Consciously or subconsciously – and quite a common occurrence too, I discovered in the survey process for this book – many people have a tendency to sabotage their relationships, and therefore their happiness.
Why do people do this?
An unfortunate bad habit
The past rearing its ugly head
A fear of happiness and fulfillment
A fear of being hurt
Although all of the above are pertinent to this issue, the most common reason was a fear of being hurt. A need for one partner to sabotage the relationship and bring it to an end before the other partner could possibly do anything to hurt them. The timing of this relationship break down practice is interesting too. Usually the sabotaging takes place just at the moment the fearful partner is really starting to feel deep emotions for the other person. Self-preservation kicks in, driven by a deep-seated fear of being hurt and the vulnerability that goes with caring for someone beyond mere interest or infatuation.
If you suffer from this affliction, it is something that seriously needs to be addressed if you are to hope for a happy and contented future. Seeking some professional counseling may be required.
In the event that you have suffered hurt and pain in your relationship past, do you have the ability to maintain an optimistic outlook for your relationship future?
Obviously it is important that you do. Gain confidence and reassurance from the fact that you have learned from your mistakes, you now know yourself better and have a firmer grasp on what you are looking for in a partner.
How To Attract A Man: Your Friends
Most of us tend to have a few very close friends, and a wider group of friends that we associate with and socialize with to a lesser extent.
Of those friends who are closest to you, are they positive people? Do they offer you support and quality feedback? Are they currently involved in relationships? And if so, are they happy in their relationships? If a friend (or friends) is single, do they discourage you from finding a partner because they are single, or do they support you?
Our friends, particularly our closest ones, can have a huge impact and influence on us, whether we are conscious of it or not. We are also often judged by the company we keep.
Guilt by association is a stigma that we are all vulnerable and susceptible to. If we socialize regularly with a person who behaves a certain way or has questionable character, for instance, we too risk being judged by others as being the same even if we are not.
In your quest to find the right man for you, it is important to consider who you associate with, and when and where you do.
As a simple example, say you have a girlfriend who is not interested in a serious relationship and prefers casual flings. When she’s out socialising she acts accordingly. Now let’s say you are looking for something more than just casual sex; a deeper, more meaningful relationship. If your friend is putting out the vibe of ‘pick me up and take me home’, guys will assume that you are only after the same thing she is, and you will attract that sort of guy.
This is not to suggest that you can never hang out with a friend who is that way inclined. It’s just advisable to choose your company carefully given the situation. If you are socializing in an environment where you believe there is the possibility of meeting someone you may really like, then it is best to be surrounded by like-minded people so that there is little chance of confusion about your intentions.
The same applies to anyone you know who has the tendency to become a little rude and obnoxious when they are intoxicated. Most of us have probably encountered a situation where a friend, associate or work colleague has had too much to drink (or can’t handle their liquor) and causes an embarrassing scene.
A scenario like that is not one that will help you to attract and meet a quality man.
Always strive to socialize with positive people as much as you can. An air of positivity emanating from happy and smiling people breeds the attraction vibe.
Certain friends and acquaintances are fun for some occasions, but may not always be the right crowd to socialize with on other occasions. Ponder your circle of friends. If they are all good quality friends who genuinely have your best interests at heart, you will have nothing to worry about.
However, if some are a tad selfish, prone to negativity, or exhibit undesirable behaviour in some way, you may want to reconsider just how much time you spend associating with people like that.
Remember: It’s all about your attraction factor and how a possible partner is going to perceive you.
When It’s Over: Limbo Land
The dreaded and paralyzing world of limbo land.
Being trapped in this unenviable place opens a person up to a whole new world of potential pain and emotional damage. Not to mention leaving one with an inability to get on with their lives and move forward.
No matter how long you were with your partner, no matter how much you love them, no matter how much they promise you that the two of you will get back together some day, limbo land is not a place you want to allow yourself to wander.
If your ex-partner truly wanted to be with you, then they would never have broken it off in the first place. Sure, maybe they could have made a mistake and want you back; but it’s not likely. Anyway, how long are you prepared to wait around to find this out? How much of your valuable time and life do you want to waste being stuck in a realm of emptiness and further confusion?
Believe me, limbo land is a very frustrating place. I’ve been there. Don’t make the error of falling into this trap just because it feels too hard to let go.
Often it’s a case of the other partner wishing to keep their options open. They want to see who else they can find, and if that doesn’t work out, they know they will have you there waiting to fall back on. Comforting for them, not so comforting for you.
Do you really want to be that person? Second, third, tenth choice? No, you don’t. You deserve far better than that.
If you find yourself falling into this trap, if your ex is keeping you hooked in with false promises of hope, get out of limbo land as fast as you can. Ignore the feelings that will fight and struggle against your decision.
You have to get out of that scenario. It’s soul destroying.
Falling out of love is not the end of the world, no matter how much it feels like it at the time. Going through a break up can be a very confusing, painful and traumatic experience.
But there is hope.
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(Pages 1-43 show above.)